November 16, 2009

Good things come in brown paper packages

I spied it from across the room. This envelope perched next to stacks of other forgettable mail....catalogs, bills, collection notices, etc....poised in such a way as to make me notice it. I had hoped it was my copy of the french classic, "Secretaries sans culottes", but no, this was something else. I recognized the return address. Yes, I had been to this place before.

But how did he get my address? Oh, yes. He's been in our mainframe computer. Damn him!

So what in the blue-blazes is it? Since it could certainly be nothing good (cash, narcotics, pornography) I was extremely fearful.

But on the other hand, I am not a very disciplined person, and was determined to find out what was inside.

My special gloves that I typically wear when producing crystal methamphetamine should do the trick.

Anthrax? Nah, too "2001" . He probably had the swine flu and coughed into the envelope before sealing and mailing his sickness straight to my door.

I figured I would run the mystery package through it's paces, subjecting it to lysol disinfectant, tossing it into ceiling fans then ducking, throwing it against a tree, allowing the neighbor dog to sniff it and see if it either dies or tucks its tail between its legs, and even microwaving it.

Ultimately, I decided only one thing to do. Open it.

"Hello! First off, please read the final Throwing Hammers blog post....."

The final Throwing Hammers blog post.....

It's over! The Playaz are victorious! We have outlasted the man. And look, he even signed his name! Probably not his real name...I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to know it was really me who was subjected to the humiliating defeat at the hands of Playaz Ball.

But, I am not without an honorable side. I am, after all, a "gentleman of leisure", and that includes the word "gentleman".

This blog was, for all its faults, not without merit. Often thoughtful (I could rarely understand most of it), often humorous, and very, very lyrical. Like a song, that went on...and on...and on.

I can't help feeling that this is not the last of us. That we will meet again someday.

However, my immediate danger has passed. And there appear to be some CDs enclosed....hmmm....perhaps this is my copy of "Secretaries without culottes", just very discreetly packaged. Either way, be sure and visit Throwing Hammers, if anything to gloat that it is no more. And these words enclosed will find their proper place.

Though I will not forget them. No, I feel I will not forget them.

Posted by Phil at 9:23 AM

November 5, 2009

Shocking discovery! Mysterious "wolf-man" turns out to be Kenny Rogers

In a surprising turn, the Playaz captured the mysterious "wolf-man" who had been lurking in the woods and savaging women who happened upon him, and discovered him to be none other than Kenny Rogers.

Tac was able to subdue the ravenous Rogers shortly after taking aim with his .38 and nearly putting a silver bullet in Kenny's abdomen. Fortunately, Tac suddenly recognized the hirsute country crooner before firing the shot and verified his identity.

Rogers explained that his voracious sexual appetite peaks right around Halloween and the month of October. At that time, Kenny takes on a transformation and feels compelled to take to the nearby woods, scavenging the countryside for wayward women before he pounces from the brush and makes savage love to them. All of his victims stated afterward that their act with Kenny was consensual, and 'wonderful'.

It was after his "capture" that Kenny suddenly transformed from full beard back to a simple goatee.

Kenny stated he will spend the remainder of the year performing a Christmas show in Branson, Missouri.

Posted by Phil at 10:05 PM

October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween! Beware, the mysterious "wolf-man"!

Beware!!!

Posted by Phil at 9:30 AM

October 29, 2009

"Wolf-man" strikes again; Playaz baffled

The notorious "wolf-man", who has been lurking about the nearby forest leapt at a woman once again this evening.

The Playaz have not been able to obtain a very clear description of this creature, and despite extensive searches, have come up empty as to the identity of the man-beast.

However, a recently savaged woman described the wolf-man as terrifying, yet slightly handsome. The night stalker is said to be wearing a blazer, or sport-coat, with the sleeves pushed up, revealing extremely hairy appendages. What areas of the creature that are not covered in hair are described as "tanned". The wolf-man also wears tight fitting trousers.

The search continues. The wolf-man is said to be attracted to women wearing sequined attire and heavy make-up, and if the woman has a particularly lovely singing voice, she is said to be more susceptible to attack.

Posted by Phil at 7:06 PM

October 28, 2009

Playaz investigate mysterious "wolf-man"

The Playaz are investigating reports of a mysterious creature that has been lurking in the foggy woods nearby.

An unknown beast, hirsute in nature, has not been clearly seen by any of its victims. Multiple women have been found savaged by the creature, their clothes torn away and often left in a state of breathless bewilderment, fright, and oddly, titillation.

The Playaz have issued a city-wide man hunt for this "wolf-man" in an effort to capture the creature. While no one knows its present whereabouts, it can often be heard growling out a strangely melodic sound that emanates from the darkened wood.

Posted by Phil at 9:43 PM

October 21, 2009

Why WWII was inevitable: A Debate

From the author of "Act II" comes this: a planned debate between students of one of the local elementary schools regarding the inevitability of World War II.

We are presenting to you exclusively the notes from the "inevitable" viewpoint of this highly anticipated debate.

Was World war inevitable?

Yes World war 2 was inevitable. Hitler could be like all of us normal sorry to ruin your dreams but none of you will be president. Intead Hitler had to be abnormal and try to rule the world. Hitler if you hear me you are not Julios Ceaser. Instead of lying that your not going to invade and then invade. You could have told the truth and said to Polands leader I will pay you $ 465,656,635,656 for Poland. Then no one would have to go to war and kill themselves and other people.

No comparrison

You will note the debator's use of comedy early in the debate. This will disarm his opponent, and will likely win over the audience as well.

Plus, I think the Hitler/"Julios" Caesar comparison makes it a slam dunk. You may email us your thoughts, but it's probably not necessary as you will agree with the "inevitable" argument put forth before you.

Posted by Phil at 3:20 PM

October 14, 2009

Playaz offering "sex delivery" service

In much the same way as one can order a pizza, the Playaz will be offering a "sex delivery" service to area women.

Now, a woman feeling the urge to sink her teeth into a Playa may call their designated hotline to place an order (The Playaz recommend the "three-meat" special), and the Playaz will arrive at her door in just half an hour or less.

Once the order is received, the alarm will sound and the Playa or Playaz ordered will immediately spring into action to prepare himself to get to you quickly. Brut 33 cologne is always onhand, and the Playaz carry with them special lubes and oils at all times. Speed is our specialty, and we are on the job in a moments notice.

With our specialized vehicle, the F#@&mobile, our sirens will clear away any traffic that will impede our ability to service you quickly. We want to arrive at your door piping hot, and slightly turgid.

Also, keep in mind the Playaz' promise to you: 10" or more, guaranteed, or your next one is free. So call today! What are you waiting for?

Posted by Phil at 10:27 AM