April 20, 2010

Once more into the breach

My fellow Americans.

For 5 years now, we have been monitoring your behavior. Through this blog, we have been able to collect valuable information that will serve us well going into the future.

We have found the internets to be a great and powerful tool: for viewing nudity, for generating wealth through pyramid transactions, and for ensuring that our message spread across the globe.

You have noticed by now that four of my good friends have passed on to their Great Reward. It was predicted many years ago by the Prophet Doug Henning that I myself would meet a terrible demise prior to my 45th birthday.

But do not weep. Do you not know that the Playaz will be more powerful in death than we were in life? This site will live on for future generations. Our schemes will continue to fill our coffers. Our children will one day rise up to crush you all.

I must recognize those who have linked to our site, those acolytes past and present who have aided in delivering our propaganda. Some of you I care a great deal about. Others not so much, but you deserve recognition all the same. I owe a special debt (a word I never use, if you know me. If anything, you owe me. But for purposes of this sentiment...) to the entire Washington D.C. blogging community. An appropriate word, "blog", which sounds like "bog" - which is how the Playaz' generally viewed all of you - swamp-dwelling minions who served the Playaz' greater good in and around The District. A truly unique community that has long battled my hometown of Atlanta for most murders per capita, and I must respect that. But all the same, what better outlet for our us than the nation's capital?

Also, if I have forgotten anyone to thank (and I know for a fact that I have), know that it is not intentional. Many years of narcotics use has deteriorated my memory to keep up with all of you - but please know that I appreciate each and every person who has ever read, linked to, or commented here at this site. We thank those who deserve thanks. We curse the rest of you.

(if you wish to complain of your omission, you may send me an email, which will then be forwarded to the head of our complaints department, Mr. Sheriff)

As for me, I will step out of this matrix. The story of the Playaz is all here for you. Go back to the beginning, and relive our journeys together if you wish. Surely we will meat again some day.

I have left you with this final video "tribute" for your pleasure. So, once more, my dear friends.....once more.

The End from Phil Braun on Vimeo.

You may sign the

Posted by Phil at 10:07 AM

March 24, 2010

Phil angered that Playaz' deaths could potentially ruin Playaz Ball '10

The recent deaths of all but one of the Playaz has potentially ruined Playaz Ball 2010 for Phil, which was recently announced in a lone press conference attended by the only remaining living Playa (Phil).

Playaz Ball 2010 is scheduled for the weekend of September 11.

Phil is quite upset that his good time could be ruined by the selfish acts of the deceased Playaz.

Playaz Ball could be as lonely and depressing as this solitary midget walking on the beach just outside of Playaz' Headquarters

Posted by Phil at 3:49 PM

March 5, 2010

Phil grants interview to discuss Playaz' deaths

In the midst of everything that's been happening here over the last couple of months, including the tragic demise of my dear friends and fellow Playaz Tac, Wayne, Bon, and The Guv'na, I have received numerous requests to grant an interview to various members of the media.

I ultimately decided to grant an exclusive interview to the most trustworthy newsource that I know. I have attached the introduction to that show. I don't know why the full broadcast hasn't aired yet, but producers have been telling me recently that for some reasons their show is not on any station anywhere.

Well, hopefully it will get picked up soon, and you'll get an in depth look at how I've managed to continue on in these sad times.

Posted by Phil at 1:38 PM

March 1, 2010

Something great...

..in the face of despair.

Posted by Phil at 10:11 AM

February 22, 2010

Afro'd man perishes in foundry accident, roasts self to golden brown

Bon Scott died in an unfortunate foundry accident at approximately 1 a.m. this morning. The Playa known familiarly as "Bon" fell into a large cast iron skillet being forged, whereby Bon was cooked to a delicious, golden brown and was feasted on by a pack of nearby hyenas.

Bon was known for his distinct and intimidating appearance. His hatred of all living creatures fueled his desire to become an entrepeneur in the restaurant world, and his world-reknown cat testicle factory helped Playaz, Inc. grow to the top of Fortune Magazine's list of most profitable corporations.

The coroner noted that it appeared Bon's scorpion medallion got snagged into one of the gears, casting Bon into the super-heated skillet he was forging. Bon, who often works in the nude, was braised to a crispy exterior while maintaining a tender, juicy center that proved too tempting for a roaming pack of hyenas to pass up. Bon's perfectly grilled flesh was consumed in mere minutes.

Posted by Phil at 3:51 PM

February 8, 2010

Cat jumps into lap moments before man known as "The Guv'na" befelled by trusted ape

Manfred P. Mann, alias "Manny", alias "The Guv'na", died early Saturday morning at his breakfast table when "Oscar", the death-predicting cat, jumped up into The Guv'na's lap. In mere moments, Guv'na was then beaten to death by "Travis" the Chimp.

Travis and The Guv'na had become friends after a previous mauling, whereby Travis, with the strength of 10 humans, tore off the face of a woman who was thought to have made eye contact with the ape. The Guv'na took in the chimpanzee and befriended him despite warnings from his friends and wildlife authorities.

The Guv'na enjoyed riding high-wheeled bicycles and wearing lavish fur coats. The Guv'na has faced multiple near-death experiences in his lifetime. He was one poisoned by several midgets that administered sweets to the Guv'na that were laced with PCP. He was also run over by Phil when the Guv'na decided to nap beneath the tires of a Ford F-150 truck to stay out of the sun.

The Guv'na came back to life in both of those instances, but he was unable to overcome death at the hands of Travis the Chimpanzee, after having all of his limbs torn from his body, his face ripped off, and was bludgeoned beyond recognition. It was initially believed that the Guv'na was a deceased chimp himself amidst all the blood and fur, until forensics identified him as human.

The coroner was able to identify the Guv'na from the candy cane tattooed on his penis.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM

February 2, 2010

Cat has uncanny ability to predict death

Article

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM

January 21, 2010

Attorney to the stars sued many, loved many; dies of pubic lice

Wayne Williams, attorney and friend of the Playaz, represented many famous celebrities and was involved in thousands of lawsuits before he passed away Thursday, January 21, 2010 confined to his bed with multiple sexually transmitted diseases.

Williams was known to have slept with as many women as he had lawsuits. He has been bedridden for over two months after reportedly contracting herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, hepatitises A, B, and C, human papilloma virus, before ultimately being devoured by pubic lice.

Wayne stated prior to death that he would like to leave his lasik-corrected eyes, which now have 20/10 vision, to Moses Malone. Malone had been known to wear goggles during his basketball playing days. It was not clear if they were corrective goggles, or merely for protection.

Wayne's guestbook

Posted by Phil at 2:10 PM

January 11, 2010

Adventures led to love of drugs, square dancing

Shane Tackleberry passed away quite violently on Monday, January 11, 2010. While the official cause of death is undetermined, it was reported that there were signs of gunfire, heavy prescription medications, lacerations, electric shock, auto-erotic asphyxiation, as well as remnants of a struggle where broken and burned furniture was noted surrounding the scene.

Tackleberry, affectionately known as "Tac" to his close friends, leaves behind a wife, multiple mistresses, and an untold number of children, both legitimate and illegitimate.

Tackleberry was most well known as being one of five Playaz. His dealings with the Playaz led to a discovery of 'Comet Dust' - space particles off the tail of a comet - that could be used as a hallucinogenic narcotic. Tackleberry also loved to square dance.

Tackleberry took dance lessons at the Fred Astaire Dance Studios before being asked to leave the school for impregnating each of his dance parnters.

Tackelberry's age was undetermined at the time of death, leaving no dental or medical records behind. Tackleberry was the past president of the Buford-area Jaycees and was also a memeber of the local Masonic Lodge.

Tackleberry enjoyed spending his days polishing his Rolls Royce, and fighting mixed martial arts.

*Condolences may be expressed by signing the guest book (click on the "guestbook" icon below). In lieu of flowers, the Playaz ask that you send them money.

Posted by Phil at 2:23 PM

December 22, 2009

Angels and Demons

"Who are you?"

"My name is Clarence, and I'm your Guardian Angel. I came down here to save you, Phil."

"Save me?? Save me from what?"

"You've been given a great gift, Phil. You've truly had a wonderful blog. And now I'm going to help you see what a gift you've been given by showing you what the internet would be like if you'd never been born."

"Never been born?! Who said I wished I had never been born?! I just get tired of updating this stupid, penny-ante blog every once in a while, so what? Let me explain something to you, Mr. "Clarence", if that's who you really are, I am an important man. A rich man. Richer than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I can have any woman I want. I can do whatever I want...."

"But, Phil, once I've been given my orders, I can't...."

"Have you ever felt the wrath of the Playaz, Clarence? I know you haven't because there isn't a man or beast that has been left alive to be able to tell about it! If you don't go back to where you came from...."

"I'm sorry, Phil, the decision has been made to teach you a lesson."

"Then I've made a decision of my own, Clarence. I've decided that you will wish you had never been born!"

"AAAHHHH!! Oh God!"

"God won't help you, now, Clarence! You're going to burn...along with the rest of this town."

"No! Stop! How is this possible? I'm already dead...I don't understand how can this be happ- "

"Eat lead, Clarence! Now to take care of unfinished business!"

"Happy New Year to you, Hammer! In Hell!"

"So long, movie house! So long, Emporium! So long, you &%$ old Building & Loan!"

"SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!"

"Well, Joseph, that didn't turn out as well as we hoped. What do we do with Clarence, now?"

"Didn't turn out well? It turned out great! We've finally gotten rid of that bumbling idiot. Send him to Hell."

"Yes, Joseph. Oh -- Merry Christmas, Joseph."

"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too."

Posted by Phil at 1:10 PM