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October 19, 2005

Bon volunteers in aiding fight against bird flu; kills all birds

Following recent orders by government authorities to begin culling birds in Asia and in parts of Europe to battle the potential outbreak of the bird flu, Bon volunteered his services to begin culling birds that Bon suspects may be carrying the deadly virus in America.

Bon made swift work of the birds in within his neighborhood, creating a deadly environment for the local blue jays, cardinals, robins, and geese that frequent the area, killing off birds one by one via poisoning, mallet, or shotgun blast. "The safest way to protect ourselves from an outbreak of bird flu in epidemic proportions is to simply kill every last bird," Bon said.

Next, Bon headed over to the local children's Petting Zoo. "These birds don't look safe to me," Bon was overheard as saying upon arrival. He then wiped out an entire cage of parakeets with some form of pesticide spray pumped into the cage via a pressure-wash sprayer.

Bon then made his way over to the Duck Pond, where children visiting the zoo looked on. Bon addressed the children by saying, "Who here has heard the story of the Ugly Duckling?" Several children eagerly raised their hands to answer. "I have! I have!", they shouted. One boy answered, "didn't he grow up to be a beautiful swan?" "No," Bon replied. "He was diagnosed as having the bird flu, and was put to death." Bon then whacked a goose on the head with a mallet, in front of the stunned children.

A local zoo-keeper approached Bon and questioned his tactics, raising the point that the bird flu seems to be primarily contained in Turkey and Romania, and parts of Asia. Bon assured the zoo keeper that one can never be too careful, nor is it wise to trust the wily and crafty bird, who will not hesitate to defecate on your patio and spread it's diseases wherever it can, and that we should remain vigilant even in America. Bon then smashed the zoo keeper's skull with his mallet and left.

Posted by Phil at October 19, 2005 8:27 PM