Playaz Ball: Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na alive! "How fare the Playaz?" they ask

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January 13, 2006

Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na alive! "How fare the Playaz?" they ask

What can only be described as a miracle, Tac, Wayne, & The Guv'na are discovered to be alive!

Descending to earth in a hot air balloon from lands unknown, the Playaz, long thought to be deceased, returned with wild tales and adventures.

Tac explained that while experimenting with mind-altering drugs one evening, a terrible storm came upon them. Swept up in extremely high winds, Tac explained that they were deposited into what seemed like another world.

Wayne, Guv'na, and Tac had been scattered by the winds and began to explore this unfamiliar territory.

Unbeknownst to them, this land was filled with bizarre creatures, both intriguing and horrifying. Tac described the likes of talking scarecrows, fields teeming with midgets, and winged monkeys.

Already on edge, Tac immediately began to lay waste to any living or breathing thing that came within firing range of him.

Tac said he wiped out a gang of misfits that included a grotesquely evolved lion who walked on it's hind feet, a man made entirely of tin, and the scarecrow. There was a pretty woman with them, but Tac did not have time to ascertain if she were in need of help or part of their hideous band.

Wayne, separated from the others, began investigating as well. Attempting to figure out the best way to reunite with the missing Playaz, Wayne discovered a path, and began to follow it. However, he noticed something curious. Upon further inspection, this "road" was coated in lead-based paint, highly toxic and deadly.

Wayne made haste for what appeared to be the capital city. After talking with several of the little people he encountered in the city, he found cause to file a class action suit against the one they called "The Wizard", who ran the city.

Suing for over $1 billion in damages, Wayne began his suit and his withering cross-examination against this "Wizard", who could not explain why the roads had not been properly treated, nor why there was any appropriate health care for those who needed it.

On the other side of the city, the Guv'na had met a trio of midgets, going by the name "The Lollipop Guild". Guv'na was seduced by these three, who told the Guv'na tales of "magic" candy canes. Having a weakness for this candied confection, Guv'na followed them on a journey to these magical canes.

Upon finding a field laden with the most glorious candy canes ever seen, the Guv'na began to taste them. They were delicious! However, these were no ordinary candy canes. They were laced with some narcotic that caused the Guv'na to lose consciousness. The band of midgets robbed Guv'na of his mink and gold pocket watch and left him for dead.

Tac realized the urgency of the situation. The Playaz did not need to tarry any longer in this strange place. After killing virtually everything in his path, Tac was able to locate Wayne, who had just won his suit against Emerald City, virtually crippling the town financially after collecting his fee of 99% of the one billion dollar judgement. Guv'na was discovered as well, but they weren't home free yet.

A horde of angry "munchkins" had tracked them down - upset that their town was now bankrupt, which essentially put all of them out of work. Being that the city was the only employer, they attempted to stop the Playaz' escape to make them pay.

Spotting a nearby bulldozer, Tac quickly cranked up the machine and cleared a path for the Playz' getaway, crushing the tiny bones of every munchkin caught in his tracks and plowing through them with ease.

Absconding a hot air balloon, the three Playaz flew out of danger, and made it back safely to us.

It is a great day for the Playaz. United again! Welcome back Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na. Did we tell you about our new plane?

Update: The national news is now picking up on the story.

Posted by Phil at January 13, 2006 9:08 AM

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Comments

Two things that really cracked me up; the immolated scarecrow, and "in Oz we trust". I'm a little pissed about all those graves I dug, though. What a waste.

Posted by: A_Unique_Alias at January 13, 2006 9:13 AM

Cube had more faith than we did! That was a close call.

Posted by: Bon at January 13, 2006 9:20 AM

It was all a plot devised by your favorite Kansan MUWHHAHAHAHA!

Tell Tac it's on. He shouldn't have run over our munchkins.

Posted by: saidah at January 13, 2006 9:36 AM

I am thankful that, with all the immolation, none of the Playaz were burned.

Wayne's face, his valuable face...

Posted by: Kathryn at January 13, 2006 9:45 AM

...I am more worried about his stache.

Posted by: Bon at January 13, 2006 9:47 AM

There were a couple of times, Wayne says, that the judge had to order the Wizard to keep his fire at a minimum while in the witness stand. It definitely came close and nearly singed during the more heated points of the cross.

Posted by: Phil at January 13, 2006 9:51 AM

Alright you bastards! Kansas has officially declared war on the Playaz. Bob Dole and I are bringing the wrath of the Sunflower State down upon you.

And I'm filing suit against Wayne for feeling me up outside the courtroom.

Posted by: Dorothy at January 13, 2006 10:01 AM

Nice try, Dorothy, but there is little chance you survived Tac's flame-thrower, and even if you did, the Playaz would not be frightened of a one-armed 80 year old man and a bacon-crisp old booze-hound like yourself.

As far as Wayne goes, you know you liked it.

Posted by: Phil at January 13, 2006 10:16 AM

I am thankful they are safe. Now I can go back to sleeping at night and not scowering the neighborhood for The Playaz. Although I did find many impersonators. Good thing I have good Playaz sense.

Posted by: Sharkbait at January 13, 2006 10:36 AM

ALIVE??? They were found ALIVE??? Oh, man... I'm SOOOOOOO Screwed!

Posted by: Frank at January 13, 2006 10:47 AM

Caught the news on T.V. this morning. It goes without saying that a collective sigh of relief has risen in the DC blog universe. Welcome back, gentlemen!

Posted by: Travis at January 13, 2006 10:50 AM

Man - the Guv'na sure looks hot in those poppy fields.

Posted by: Rhinestone Cowgirl at January 13, 2006 11:04 AM

...awaiting Cube having something to say about this.

Posted by: I-66 at January 13, 2006 11:39 AM

Well, this is certainly a surprise. I actually doubted Travis and Geraldo, but now that I have heard from The Playaz themselves, I may also breathe a sigh of relief.

Posted by: The Captiain at January 13, 2006 12:48 PM

What amazes me is that the Playaz did not spend more time in the opium (I mean...poppy) field, investigating that.

Posted by: DC_Cookie at January 13, 2006 3:30 PM

Do you still get to keep the life insurance $$?

Posted by: dcsportschick at January 13, 2006 4:36 PM

Yes. Remember their motto? "We don't have access to the internet"

Posted by: Bon at January 13, 2006 4:47 PM

Where are those 3, anyway? I would figure by now they would share some of their tale themselves.

I hope I don't have to declare them dead again, and collect all those rocks for the coffins.

Posted by: Phil at January 13, 2006 5:03 PM

An excellent recount of the events, Phil. I must say that overall, it was a pleasant journey. Replacing the mink will not be an issue, as I've soiled many in my day. The pocket watch, however, is a different story. It was given to me by Lyle Wagner during an experimental period in my youth.

Posted by: Guvna at January 13, 2006 5:41 PM

That will never be replaced. Lyle was fantastic on The Carroll Burnette Show.

Posted by: Phil at January 13, 2006 6:31 PM

I assume they are catching up on sleep after being in a halucinogenic state for about a week.

Posted by: Bon at January 13, 2006 6:48 PM

You know, that's exactly what I figured happened to them. This really comes as no surprise to me, or anyone who has done battle with munchkins in the midst of a psychadelic haze.

Posted by: rock creek rambler at January 13, 2006 7:44 PM

I am with you RCR. The whole thing turned out kind of ho-hum. Sort of like Kenny Rogers flying the space shuttle. Just certain things are not that surprising in life, and this is one of em.

Posted by: Bon at January 13, 2006 9:23 PM

Nice to be back. While I cannot go into many of the details (we entered a confidential settlement with the City when they threatened to appeal, but let me say that the Wizard is not great at math and we actually increased our recovery over the verdict amount), I will say that I have never seen Tac or the Guvna so happy, what with Tac slaying all things living and Guvna sampling confectionary, drug-laced delights.

I am still contemplating another lawsuit against the Emerald City for serving scalding coffee to a particularly friendly munchkin hottie and one against a so-called Wicked Witch stemming from an "air rage" incident by one of her flying monkey agents. Time will tell if the billion plus in settlement funds can maintain our lifestyle for the next six months or if more litigation is required.

Again, it's good to be home - there's no place like it. And Kathryn, the face is fine.

Posted by: Wayne at January 13, 2006 9:35 PM

Good to hear from you Wayne.

Our Gulfstream alone costs roughly $1 million per year to maintain so the recent influx of cash is good.

Posted by: Phil at January 14, 2006 8:59 AM

..and we have a nasty drug habit to keep up Wayne. You are a Playa we can ill afford to lose!

Posted by: Bon at January 14, 2006 9:28 AM

Still no reaction from Cube, Phil. Perhaps they had to institutionalize her before finding out her Playaz were safe?

Posted by: Bon at January 14, 2006 3:39 PM

If I'd have known you guys had access to an AC-130 gunship, I'd have gotten with you sooner.

Nice workin' with you.

Posted by: Jinxy at January 16, 2006 7:27 AM