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March 29, 2006

Playaz call upon 'Themis'....Lady Justice

Prosecuting Attorney Ben Matlock: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Larry Holmes: Case closed!
(Wayne whispers something to Larry)
Judge Conrad Bain: Mr. Holmes, do you not wish to call a witness?
Larry Holmes: Uh, yes, your honor. The case is not closed. Not by a longshot. The defense has one witness we would like to call....
Judge Bain: You may call that witness.
Holmes: The defense calls......

....DOCTOR KENNY ROGERS!

(Loud gasps and audible murmuring rise from the gallery and jury box)

(Judge Bain bangs his gavel)

Judge Bain: Order! Order in the courtroom! You may proceed, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes: Thank you, your honor. Dr. Rogers, can you please tell the court why you are here today?
Kenny Rogers: Yes I can. I examined Don Knotts shortly after his tragic death.
Holmes: And would you tell us your diagnosis as to the cause of Mr. Knotts' death?
Rogers: Mr. Knotts died of pulmonary and respiratory difficulties.
Holmes: And what is that you have with you?
Rogers: This? Oh, this is Don Knotts' skull.

Holmes: Mm-hm. And what can you tell us about it.
Rogers: Well, I performed an autopsy on Mr. Knotts, and it revealed several hemorraging areas around the brain from over-toxicity due to drug use.
Holmes: And what did this tell you?
Rogers: .......it was Bon who killed Don Knotts.........
(loud wailing and yelling throughout the court room)
Rogers: .....but Bon did not murder Don, as the prosecution states. Bon killed him out of love.
Holmes: What do you mean?
Rogers: Yes, Mr. Knotts had high levels of comet dust coursing through his body at the time of his death..and that comet dust was provided by Bon.
Holmes: So the gloves they found belonged to Bon? Wayne? Would you show the jury the gloves?

Rogers: No, no. Everyone knows Bon only wears fire-retardant gloves when it comes to narcotics and free-basing. Those gloves belonged to me. I used them to examine Don after his death.
Holmes: But I don't understand? Could you explain to the jury..."why"?
Rogers: Certainly. The comet dust put Don in a completely relaxed and sedated state. Don was simply in too much pain. Bon tried his best to heal Don with the comet dust, as they had with Mr. Wilford Brimley, who is here with us today. But it was simply too late for Don. Bon provided the comet dust to take away that pain. Eventually, the comet dust in Don's brain told the body to stop breathing. It was simply Don's time to go.

There was not a dry eye in the court room. Prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock rose to speak...

Matlock: Your honor, in light of this testimony, the prosecution wishes to drop all charges against Mr. Bon...

Judge Bain: Then this court finds Mr. Bon not guilty of the crime of murder. This court is adjourned!

So all ended well...Bon was found innocent. Larry Holmes successfully defended his first capital murder case with no real legal training. Tim Conway was blacklisted as a racist in Hollywood and would never work again.

Posted by Phil at March 29, 2006 8:53 AM