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July 8, 2007
The Playaz & Mr. Sheriff plot ways to kill NBC's Chris Hansen (or possibly frame him for rape)
Updated July 8, 2007
The day arrived when we received the much anticipated essay we asked of Mr. Sheriff as a prerequisite to his hiring. Mr. Sheriff wrote the following:
To: Phil Braun
From: Sheriff Ahmed
Subject: (BRIEF ESSAY) Larry Holmes, U.S. Heavyweight boxing champion
Larry Holmes
He was born November 3, 1949; Cuthbert, Georgia, U.S. byname the Easton Assassin American heavyweight boxing champion of the late 1970s and early '80s who was known for his solid defense. Holmes, a street fighter in his youth, entered organized boxing at a youth centre in Easton, Pennsylvania. He won 19 fights out of 22 as heavyweight champion and several titles before turning professional at age 24. In the mid-1970s he was a sparring partner for both competing. He has been known to be the heavyweight champion from mid-1970s to early 80s and in the position of the World Boxing Council champion. Holmes was the snarling black champion, unbeaten but unloved.
Three of his rich comments involved: Let's have a good fight, give me 10 black guys and I make eight dollars and Give me Gerry Cooney and I make $10 million. He defends his heavyweight title against the big-punching Cooney in the richest fight of its time, 25 years ago on a blisteringly hot night in Las Vegas. Holmes won 19 of 23 amateur bouts before turning professional. From 1973 to 1978 Holmes won 28 consecutive bouts, culminating in a victory over the reigning champion.
Is after one of Holmes fight that the Boxing tradition dictates that the champion is always introduced last. Recently, Holmes and Cooney remember fight that divided America, though the two laughs about it today and also together for lunch and a photo shoot commemorating the 25th anniversary of the fight.
Holmes, meanwhile, lives in his hometown of Easton, Pa., and has finally come to peace with himself over a long career which he felt was never fully appreciated by boxing fans.
To: Mr. Sheriff
From: Phil Braun
Mr. Sheriff,
This is a very good essay.
I have read it aloud to Mr. Holmes and he was moved to tears by your sincerity.
Would it be possible for you to execute the contract and forward it to us?
Thank you for your diligent efforts.
Phil
To: Phil Braun
From: Sheriff Ahmed
Subject: Re: PRACTICAL,COOPERATION AND EFFECTIVE ACTIONS NEEDED FROM YOU URGENTLY
Dear Phil,
Thanks for your honest mail response regarding the essay. Remember in one of my previous mail to you, I made it known to you that I have since executed the contract ready down waiting for your cooperation as a matter of one at a time, and your requirements has been given to you.
As you may know it has been long we started exchanging of email communications but never arrived at holding grounds for work together as partners which require more of your go ahead and co-operations on my behalf. However seeing is believing, I hope within this days to see the fact of this matter/employment by you updating me with the soonest situation of both of us meeting together for real so that our communication will not look like child's play.
Now i need you to tell me your plans and how well you have gone to work out for my arrival?
Be it known to you that are business wise for me to have your personal phone number in respect to speak with you as a reason of important fact.
Regarding the requirements you asked from me, I hope you received it all previously in good condition as is the necessary informations you needed to proceed with for my arrival.
I don't expect us to continue with this way of mail responses any longer and at least phone talk must involved followed by immediate action of your steps to fetch us together as required. Hope you know, am a practical man.
Am looking forward to be seeing effective steps and actions from you immediately so that things will be matured and become real not just for saying sake.
In your response for further correspondences, kindly include your contact number for it is highly important now to enable me forward the contract agreement tomorrow.
I await your real and physical effective cooperation.
Best Regards,
Mr. Sheriff.
This seemed reasonable to me, although trouble was brewing over at Playaz, Inc....I sent the following in reply...
To: Mr. Sheriff
From: Phil Braun
That is most practical and effective.
Please, though, give me a bit of patience at this time as an urgent matter has come up that must be addressed, then I will get with you most hastily.
Phil
----------
To: Mr. Sheriff
From: Phil Braun
Subject: URGENT AND IMPORTANT
Mr. Sheriff - Thank you for your patience.
We have had a series of unfortunate events befall us. Recently, our organization was celebrating America's Independence Day Holiday, and one of our important staffers inadvertently blew off 9 of his fingers in a "fireworks" accident. As this particular person was our best typist, we needed to hire someone to fill his spot immediately.
As is turns out, we hired a gentleman - who goes by the name of Chris Hansen - and as we have discovered, he is the Host of Dateline NBC. He has turned against our organization and has contacted federal authorities to investigate our business, and is demanding the names and information of all of our contacts. This includes you, Mr. Sheriff. I am sending you this email in secret, to warn you that this Chris Hansen has the favor of both our U.S. governments and foreign governments and means to investigate everyone. We have withheld your information from Mr. Hansen, but we do not know how much longer we can hold out with his brutal tactics.
If you have the means to kill this Chris Hansen, I suggest you look into it.
Because Mr. Hansen has already brought television cameras out from behind the curtains set up in our offices to reveal our identities to the world, we may be held liable for any harm coming to Mr. Hansen (it was our fault, admittedly, for not noticing he installed curtains in our offices shortly after we hired him...nor did we notice the TV spotlights). Therefore, we are forced to abide by his bidding until we figure a way out of this mess.
I am terribly sorry for this inconvenience - I hope you are able to escape the wrath of Dateline NBC.
We would hope you will please still consider our arrangement at a future date - we will send you an invoice for your salary.
Sincerely,
Phil Braun
Despite this setback, Mr. Sheriff, being the man of ideas, was not in the least bit deterred, and has a few suggestions of his own on how to handle this "Chris Hansen" problem (I knew we desired to hire this man for a reason):
To: Phil Braun
From: Sheriff Ahmed
Subject: AM HUNGRY FOR YOUR BUSINESS
Dear Phil,
After reading your mail i was not happy because this accident has caused you to hire some one all of a sudden in which your personality could land in question but not with standing is a whole pitty and sorry for the secondary inconveniences this Chris Hansen has brought to you,actually i never haerd about him and i don't want to know,therefore i suggest this below to silence him by gov't authorities:
1)Go to the nearest police station arround you and make complain that this Chris Hansen has treathen you to death with offensive weapon,so you the police to intervene to avoid you loosing your life because is an expensive matter.
2)You can arrange with with any available harden hearted girl to report to the police that so called Chris Hansen has proposed her to bed in a hotel that he is coming to spend time with her but for past two hour he did not show up,whilw she checked out of the hotel she saw Chris Hansen groven in drive with another girl so therfore he has caused my time which is too much money wasted. 3) or he has raped a girl. 4)You can solidly arrange and plot cocain in his house or wherever he is involed and inform the police for immediate arrest.
In all the suggestion make sure that you attached a legal practictioner/lawyer.
endeavour to update me with any other latest developement regarding me working with you and also your next action to silence Chris Hansen in police or prison custody.
Based on the situation around you now let us suspend the phone communication as confidential and top secrecy is required for our business unity.Make sure that you limit you external interactions with other people and remain in anti thinking to conquer Chris Hansen.I tender my mutual understanding for you.
Am hungry to be with you for business,and hope to hear good news soonest that your business situation and the condition is back to strong firm.
Best Regards,
Mr. Sheriff.
To: Sheriff Ahmed
From: Phil Braun
Mr. Sheriff -
You have offered us several excellent suggestions. This is why we desire you.
We will remain in secret communications temporarily while we "handle" the situation and return to you at the earliest of either 1) Chris Hansen's disappearance 2) Chris Hansen's death or 3) Chris Hansen's imprisonment.
Thank you,
Phil Braun
To: Phil Braun
From: Sheriff Ahmed
Dear Phil,
Hoping you to update me with any situation you are you are proceessing at any given time and soonest,however hoping your inconveniences to be solved by any solution that is perfect for it.
anticipating your progress updating to work with you as desirable one.
I still keep in wait for your real and physical effective cooperation.
Best Regards,
Mr.Sheriff.
Posted by Phil at July 8, 2007 9:21 PM
Comments
I too, am hungry like the wolf
Posted by: Bon at July 6, 2007 1:53 PM
He has laid out several good options for us, Bon.
We must deliberate on which one to go with..
Posted by: Phil at July 6, 2007 2:01 PM
Wow.
Posted by: Jett Loe at July 6, 2007 2:08 PM
I enjoyed the "he was known to be champion in the late 1970's early 80's" part. I wonder how Larry feels about that, it doesn't seem like a full declaration of his championship. It almost sounds like Mr. Sharif is hedging here.
Nice move on the police...in all seriousness, I was wondering how you planned to extricate yourself from this whole thing once you become bored with it.
Posted by: The Captain at July 6, 2007 3:26 PM
You're right Captain. That comment is almost as if he's saying "Larry was believed to be champion.." or something of that nature - when in fact Larry was the undisputed champion and greatest champion ever.
I also was little disappointed he only focused on the Cooney era of Larry's career. Otherwise it pretty much sums Larry up perfectly.
And Mr. Sheriff always manages to take us to new heights - he is always brimming with ideas, and has given us a new focus - get rid of Chris Hansen.
Posted by: Phil at July 6, 2007 4:25 PM
looks like GDP is about to get a little bump...
Posted by: Pop Cultured at July 7, 2007 4:07 PM
I, of course, will be happy to be "attached [as] a legal practictioner/lawyer." Otherwise, the brilliant pland laid out by Mr. Sheriff may fail. In all other respects, it is foolproof.
Posted by: Wayne at July 7, 2007 10:19 PM
Precisely, Wayne. For without a legal practictioner, the police may not believe our claim that Chris Hansen wasted our money when he did not bed down with the woman at the hotel like he said he would (and instead went groven in drive with another).
Posted by: Phil at July 8, 2007 8:45 AM
I find myself reading this saga the same way I watch kung-fu movies from Hong Kong. Just when I say to myself, "This can't possibly get any more ridiculous," it does.
Posted by: Hammer at July 9, 2007 10:24 AM
"You can arrange with with any available harden hearted girl to report to the police that so called Chris Hansen has proposed her to bed in a hotel that he is coming to spend time with her but..."
I believe he forgot to include the last 't' in 'butt'. In any case, these are exceptional options, especially the one involving the sweet delicious cocaine. This man would be a valuable addition to any company, as original methods of blackmail stand as the foundation to any successful business.
Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at July 9, 2007 10:47 AM
I am so sorry to hear that Chris has gotten involved in this mess. He ALWAYS makes things worse. This one time I had a date with a girl I met on the internet, and when I got out to her house, there he was, just waiting to cockblock me. What a dick.
We need to find a harden hearted girl and FAST.
Posted by: AUA at July 9, 2007 5:15 PM
I wonder, though, if it would not be easier to simply plant cocaine at his workplace (NBC Studios)?
Posted by: Phil at July 9, 2007 5:19 PM
Our strongest asset is the Sheriff's "anti thinking to conquer Chris Hansen". This alone will get us over the wall.
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