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May 5, 2009

Larry Holmes moves in on 'lonely' Michelle Obama

Former Heavyweight Champion of the World Larry Holmes has seemingly made advances on a "lonely" First Lady Michelle Obama, according to White House sources.

Since Barack Obama has been elected President, a lonely and wistful Michelle could often be seen staring longingly from the south portico. That is, until a large figure of a man later identified as The Champ would mysteriously appear from the Rose Garden - whisking the First Lady into the recesses of the White House and into various bed chambers were they would make love hours on end.

Prior to this development, Mrs. Obama would repeatedly sigh to reporters that her husband was "so busy" and "never has time for me" during many of her appearances around Washington D.C. Now, Mrs. Obama appears to have a certain glow about her ever since Holmes' appearances.

Holmes himself has stated that he is now the man in her life. He has publicly described to the press his rendezvous with the First Lady at a nearby Red Lobster, where he hand feeds her cheese biscuits and popcorn shrimp, then afterwards he "bangs her gently" in the Lincoln bedroom until the morning light. Holmes has also presented Mrs. Obama with an oil painting capturing their steamy love for each other.

Oil painting of Larry Holmes and the First Lady

It is believed that President Obama is not unaware of these developments. He first became involved in a confrontation with Holmes at a press conference several months ago. Holmes and Obama began to spar verbally over the President's failure to purchase the recently designed "Holmes Defense System", at which point Holmes turned his attentions to a visibly detatched Michelle.

"Hey woman!....hey woman!" Holmes shouted at the First Lady. "Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you'd like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man."

An enraged President shouted back at Holmes and had to be restrained by Secret Service, but it was noted that a flustered Michelle was taken in by Holmes machismo.

Holmes says he is now the head of the Obama household, where he teaches the Obama girls about life from his auto biography.

Since then, Holmes has introduced himself as the new father to the Obama children, with little resistance from the President himself. Michelle Obama has not commented publicly on her affair with the boxing champion, but it is believed Larry has a "stimulus package" that compares to no man according to her friends, and that she is quite satisfied.

Posted by Phil at May 5, 2009 9:39 AM