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September 28, 2009

Phil goes to the fair

When there's a smell of fried dough, body odor, and hint of manure in the air, you know the County Fair is in town, and that's exactly where I was Friday night.

The Fair delights both the old and the young, the gangley and the obese. Cars lined the parking lot painted in colors that can only be associated with neon signage, the type that is typically seen in a tattoo parlor. And there's a strong possibility that said parlors are frequented by the car's owners.

Actual exchange overheard: "Any questions?" "Yeah...can y' eat that?"

The County Fair is something of an annual tradition in my family, it seems. For years my father brought me to the fair, to inspect the local livestock on display, to see the largest squash, and to partake in an almost ritualistic haggling with the carnies who insisted their game was one that "anyone could win".

The ride may cost 3 tickets, but it may also cost 3 of your fingers..

You see, my father was banned from all State and County fairs in the state of Indiana. He became adept at beating one particular game where one must toss a softball into a vertically hanging basket. He cleaned them out of their prizes, and was instructed to leave and never return.

Now that I am older, my own family has become indoctrinated into the world of carnies, freaks, pageants, and hastily constructed roller coasters that provide more thrills when you live to tell about the ride than the ride itself.

Of course, my favorite thing at the Fair is the freaks. I've seen snake women, drug-addled teenagers (even more addled than the actual teens in attendance, so much so that they had to be caged), and the world's largest rat (which strongly resembled a beaver).

This year started out as a bit of a let down. There appeared to be no humans on display - just shoddily preserved animal carcasses and "stuffed" replicas of freaks who were no more.

There was a cow with two noses and a depressed little pony who stood in a corner and stared at the tent wall.

There was, however, a woman who had pointed ears that approached us (imagine Mr. Spock's ears, except not prosthetic...it was apparent that she somehow had them clipped, like a Doberman). I asked her what the giant "corpse" inside a plexi-glass box was. She went on some rambling explanation that it was a female once known as "Giganticus", who stood 8 feet tall and lived some 4,400 years ago (which makes sense such a relic would have been placed in the custody of the local county fair). After her recital, I determined that she either had some mental deficiencies, or was possibly drunk on the lighter fluid she had been swallowing over the course of the evening while she "ate fire".

It's the experience that makes it all worth while. You never truly know what you're going to get when you visit the Fair. But you can be assured you'll leave with a lifetime of memories.

"Leon Jacobs, Jr?...Hell, we GOT t' stay for this!...

*Comments are still inoperable. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Posted by Phil at September 28, 2009 12:04 PM