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February 8, 2010

Cat jumps into lap moments before man known as "The Guv'na" befelled by trusted ape

Manfred P. Mann, alias "Manny", alias "The Guv'na", died early Saturday morning at his breakfast table when "Oscar", the death-predicting cat, jumped up into The Guv'na's lap. In mere moments, Guv'na was then beaten to death by "Travis" the Chimp.

Travis and The Guv'na had become friends after a previous mauling, whereby Travis, with the strength of 10 humans, tore off the face of a woman who was thought to have made eye contact with the ape. The Guv'na took in the chimpanzee and befriended him despite warnings from his friends and wildlife authorities.

The Guv'na enjoyed riding high-wheeled bicycles and wearing lavish fur coats. The Guv'na has faced multiple near-death experiences in his lifetime. He was one poisoned by several midgets that administered sweets to the Guv'na that were laced with PCP. He was also run over by Phil when the Guv'na decided to nap beneath the tires of a Ford F-150 truck to stay out of the sun.

The Guv'na came back to life in both of those instances, but he was unable to overcome death at the hands of Travis the Chimpanzee, after having all of his limbs torn from his body, his face ripped off, and was bludgeoned beyond recognition. It was initially believed that the Guv'na was a deceased chimp himself amidst all the blood and fur, until forensics identified him as human.

The coroner was able to identify the Guv'na from the candy cane tattooed on his penis.

Posted by Phil at February 8, 2010 10:22 AM