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September 30, 2005
Posted by Phil at 11:21 AM
September 28, 2005
Guten tag, Guv'na!
Manny (aka, The Guv'na) is currently in Germany and sends us his photos from Oktoberfest- I will let Manny tell you about his adventures:
This is where the Guv'na's story begins...
At Oktoberfest, there are these huge tents/buildings for many of the big breweries in Germany. Inside are tons of picnic tables. Many are reserved, but most of them are general admission. What you do is pick a tent, find a table, and flag down a beer maiden. Beers cost 7.50 euros, which is about $9, but they are one liter (usually less though, due to the foam).
Things quickly escalated for the Guvna. At our table was a German marine, who simply could not be convinced that I was not in some branch of the US military. He kept challenging me to various tests of strength. At one point, he had me hoist a full beer above my head for as long as possible. Apparently, he held some record for 12+ minutes. I think I made it two until (luckily) he lost interest. Then came arm wrestling. I don't know if you can tell, but he's about twice my size, so I was going along with whatever he suggested. After my quick loss, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me on the lips for about 10 seconds. This picture was taken immediately after. Note how my eyes are tightly shut. If you could see my mouth, you'd see that I was spitting and choking as well.
This gal needed a nap, I suppose.
This guy sidled up to our table and for two hours never said a word to anyone. I have no idea what he was smoking, but it gave him a very content look. I spoke only these words to him over the course of two hours: "Can I take your picture?"
Getting good....
Posted by Phil at 9:39 AM
September 27, 2005
Kenny, Larry reach agreement with Kim Jong Il
Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes recently reached an accord with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il over their stated intent to develop a nuclear program that could involve weapons. In exchange for North Korea's concession to cease further nuclear studies and development of any nuclear weapons program, Kenny, Larry and Kim Jong Il agreed to the following:
- Kenny agrees to perform 3 times per year at the Kim Jong Il Whom We All Love Casino & Resort in beautiful downtown P'yong yang, North Korea.
- Kim Jong Il will be allowed to do his standup act at Dollywood 3 times per year (subject to Kenny obtaining approval from Dolly Parton).
- Larry Holmes agrees to fight a Chinese Panda to the delight of His Highness Kim Jong Il for the Korean Heavyweight Championship no later than December 31, 2005.
All that is needed now is the Playaz' ratification of this agreement for it to be legally binding. Oh, and you're welcome.
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM
September 24, 2005
Albumes de música de Playaz
Many years ago, a few of the Playaz cut some music albums down in Mexico. It is widely believed that we were the inspiration for "Menudo". I discovered some of the Playaz lost classics that once were the top of the Hispanic pop charts. Included are the english translation to the album titles.
"Orchestra & chorus"...."The sound is a tremendous goal!"
"For the first time"
We really aren't sure what the translation is here, and frankly, I'm not sure we want to know.
Posted by Phil at 10:05 PM
September 23, 2005
Heed my warnings! These stories are true!!
Please forward the following to all of your friends and family within the next 30 minutes, or you will all be eaten by locusts:
I know you probably hate these emails as much as I do, but I felt I had to forward this to everyone I knew, because I would hate if it happened to someone else. A week ago, my next door neighbors Bill and Karen had been planning a family vacation with their only child, a beautiful little girl who's first birthday was coming up. My neighbors were going to visit Karen's parents in Florida to celebrate little Katie's first birthday together.
Because of skyrocketing airline costs, my neighbors were going to drive, so needless to say there was alot to pack for such a long trip. Money had been tight with them for a while now, since Bill had lost his job over three months ago, and the family was stressed out and fought a lot, seemingly all the time. While they were busy packing, Bill and Karen had an argument over who forgot to fill the car up with gas.
With both of them now in a huff, Bill and Karen got in the car to leave but the car would not start. I'm sure they were thinking "what else can go wrong"? Bill turned the car over again and again and the car was making this awful grinding noise and refused to start.
Bill got out and looked under the hood. Inside was the mangled body of his daughter, Katie. Somehow, amidst the fighting and packing, Bill and Karen lost track of Katie, and she had crawled up into the engine block where she got trapped in a fanbelt. Bill's continuous attempts to start the car had killed his little girl.
Please, PLEASE know where your children are at all times....the little things in life are not worth it when it is SO EASY to lose track of your child. I told this story to my auto mechanic and he said he has heard of 4 instances in the last year about small children doing this. They are very curious, and there is lots of room for a child to crawl under your car.
If your car won't start, open the hood and see if your child is under there. DONT KEEP TURNING THE KEY!!!
PLEASE, do not lose sight of the things that are precious to you!!! Pass this on to everyone you know, and tell them to go home and give their little girl or little boy a hug and say "I love you!!"
I swear this is true. Also, I just got an email saying this weekend the "Bloods" will kill you if you flash your headlights at them. That is all.
-Playaz Public Service announcement
Posted by Phil at 4:02 PM
North Korea nuke talks stall; Playaz suggest U.S. send in Playaz' own special envoy
Rest assured, world, the Playaz have sent in the Big Guns to settle this North Korea nuclear nonsense.
To the other 5 countries previously involved:
Put that coffee down. That coffee is for closers.
Posted by Phil at 9:25 AM
September 21, 2005
Collect them all!
Posted by Phil at 10:46 PM
September 19, 2005
1:30 a.m., Playaz Ball 2005
Posted by Phil at 12:47 PM
September 18, 2005
Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow announce engagement, future divorce
Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and musician Sheryl Crowannounced the joyous news of their engagement to be married in an interview on ABC's 20/20, and introduced their divorce lawyer Wayne,for their inevitable separation in 12-18 months.
Armstrong spoke admiringly of his fiancee to 20/20's Elizabeth Vargas,
stating that he intends to work on his marriage to Crow just as hard as he did training for the Tour de France. Then, he says, he will simply quit after he's had enough. Crow agreed, stating that she knew from the first moment she met Lance that they would be divorced someday. That prompted her to summon Playaz legal counselor Wayne to handle their future split. Wayne was on hand for the interview and was impressed with Armstrong and Crow's love for each other, as well as their sensibility that it could never last. Wayne was quoted as saying it would be an amicable split, and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason these two celebrity love-birds would soon fall out of love.
Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM
September 15, 2005
Bush appoints Playaz Committee to question Supreme Court nominee Roberts
President Bush appointed a special Playaz Judiciary Committee to perform a preliminary hearing for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.
The Committee was chaired by Bon, and gave directive to the Playaz to ask hard-hitting questions of Roberts prior to his confirmation hearing with the U.S. Senate.
The Playaz asked Roberts a number of questions on his belief that Kenny Rogers was both the greatest country singer of the modern era and that Roberts had no moral problems with Kenny's once scandalous "900" phone sex line. Roberts was also questioned at length by Tac as to whether tartar sauce was, in his legal view, the best condiment - even better than ketchup or mayonnaise.
Roberts tended to avoid answering each question directly, instead offering the Playaz historical findings and stating to the Playa Committee that his place as the possible Chief Justice was not to rule on things such as Kenny Rogers's status among country music legends.
But then in what was possibly the most moving moment during the questioning, the Guv'na asked Roberts if he believed his old white dog, Charlie, would be waiting for him in heaven when he died. Roberts assured a tearful Guv'na that he believed all good dogs went to heaven and that yes, he was sure Charlie would be waiting for him.
This statement seemed to appease the Playaz, and it is expected that the Playaz will pass along their recommendation to the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Posted by Phil at 10:12 PM
September 13, 2005
Grounded
While perusing some of the other blogs I like to check out from time to time, I noticed there was a planned blogger get-together in Washington D.C. involving several of our faithful readers. I commented how I wished the Playaz could attend, but of course requested the prerequisite airfare required for the Playaz to attend any social gathering (we are in such high demand that we can't be expected to travel all across the country on our own dime).
It was then that the Rock Creek Rambler astutely pointed out that it was unlike the Playaz not to have their own private plane. He was, in fact, correct, however I did not thoroughly explain the situation.
The Playaz do have their own private jet, a Gulfstream IV. The problem is, Tac crashed the G-4 into our swimming pool over Playaz Ball, and it is now in the shop. Apparently, Tac was trying to impress some ladies on the beach and came in a bit too hot and was forced to crash into the pool. Needless to say, it has grounded the Playaz. We of course receive offers from President Bush to ride the Air Force and Marine One's, but he is busy these days so we don't want to bother him.
Just wanted to clear up any misconception that the Playaz definitely are not flying "business class" when they travel. It's just that Tac got carried away and the G-4 will be fixed any day now once the ball-bearings come in. They had to order them from Germany because they are a special kind of ball-bearing.
Posted by Phil at 9:41 PM
September 12, 2005
Playaz Cookbook
With apologies to world renown and faithful reader, Washington D.C.'s
Chef, the Playaz present to you Bon's famous 'Anti-freeze Sandwiches' for geese:
Ingredients (serves 5-10 geese):
5 slices of white bread
1 gallon of Texaco brand anti-freeze
Ziploc baggie
Steps:
- Take slices of white bread, tear apart and roll into quarter-size balls.
- Drop bread balls into Ziploc baggie.
- At
this point, pour in your Texaco anti-freeze, as much or as little as
you like. Bon prefers to pour a liberal amount to be sure the balls are
tasty when ingested by geese. - Marinate bread balls in anti-freeze until fully absorbed into the bread.
- You are now ready to serve.
Place
the anti-freeze soaked bread balls with a garnish of your choice at the
lakeside bank of your choosing, then "bon" appetit! After the geese
that are ruining your property have devoured these delectable delights,
they will die within a few days.
Well, there you have it. I'm sure your geese will enjoy these treats, and Bon promises you will never be bothered by them again.
Posted by Phil at 10:40 PM
"The pimps and the whores, Phil"
I've debated about whether or not to blog about this, but it is simply too good not to.
Since Playaz Ball's inception, we've seen a wide array of visitors from all walks of life visit our website. As our families and friends began to discover the site, we've tapped into feelings of both humor and humiliation. Some get it, some don't. Those that don't, it's not easy to explain what a grown man is doing wearing a turtleneck and a mustache on a website.
Regardless, you can rest assured the Playaz are behind the site 100%,
and are willing to sink to any level of humiliation to keep it going.
But I digress.
This story revolves around my mom, who has absolutely no knowledge of
the internet or it's workings. Never owned an email account and has
never even so much as turned on a computer before.
Not long after we returned from Playaz Ball, my mom comes over to watch the girls while my wife is at work and I had somewhere to go. Right away I could tell something was wrong from the tone of the first
sentence she spoke to me.
Mom: (Bon's mom) saw your website the other day...
Me: Oh, yeah? (waiting for the other shoe to drop)
Mom: You better take that site down right away.
Me: What? Why?
Mom: (Dramatic pause) The 'pimps' and the 'whores', Phil!?
Me: What??
Mom: Your girls are on that website! You better take it down right now.
I mean it!
Me: What in the world are you talking about??
Mom: Just what I said! Pimps and whores!
Me: (incredulous) Have you even seen our site?
Mom: No...
Me: Then you have no idea what you are talking about! First of all, I
have no idea where that came from. In fact, I don't think the word
"pimp" or "whore" is anywhere on my site! (it is now!) Where in the world did you get that from? (after
reflection, I can only assume Bon's mom described us as 'dressed like
pimps' or something to that effect, and my mom took the ball and ran
from there)
Mom: Do you know who has visited your site?! (her voice is rising at
this point)
Me: Lots of people.
Mom: The F.B.I., Phil!
Me: (Laughing)..Yes, in fact 'they' have.
Mom: You are going to be in a lot of trouble!
Me: No, I'm not.
Mom: They are watching your site, and you had better take it down!
Me: Let me explain something. Again, I don't know where all of this is
coming from. Also, the so-called "FBI" is probably something (Bon's
mom) saw on my site tracking software (I
assumed I had left my 'sitemeter' logged in at Playaz Ball, thus
allowing Bon's mom or siblings to access and view the site's visitors),
which I am well aware of. Our site is quite popular among
Washingtonians, and I get visitors from all over the place. I've had
visitors who work in the Pentagon visit the site. The U.S. Navy. Every
beaureau you can think of. If you had ever once seen the site, you
would know immediately that no one would look at this site and take it
seriously. Not to mention, there is nothing for them to "investigate".
In fact, I would love it if the F.B.I. were investigating Playaz Ball.
Mom: I just know that there are key words that you can have on your
site that they use to get you.
Me: And how are they going to "get me"?
Mom: The Google, Phil....
Me: The what?
Mom: The Google.
Me: ......The Google.....Well, I guess that's it, then. And what
exactly are they going to find on "the google" that is going to bring
them to investigate Playaz Ball?
Mom: It just bothers me that your girls are on that website.
Me: (exasperated) Mom, unless you have actually looked at the site
yourself, you have no basis to say any of these things. The site is
supposed to be funny. It's obvious. It is pretty clean. I don't even
use curse words or anything.
Mom: Well, okay. (she's still not satisfied, I can tell, but she drops
the subject)
Anway, you can see what fame and celebrity has done to this Playaz' life. It is the price you pay, I guess. Hopefully the next time I post I won't be sitting in a jail cell, guilty of wearing polyester slacks in the summer time, or what-have-you. And look out for The Google. It will get you.
Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM
September 9, 2005
Apple to release special edition "PlayaPod"
Apple is set to announce the release of a special edition iPod specifically endorsed by the Playaz. It is called the "PlayaPod", and will have a special design and is scheduled to arrive in retail stores everywhere sometime in the next month.
The PlayaPod will be slightly different than the typical iPod, in that the PlayaPod will not play music, but will display downloaded photos of your favorite Playa. The PlayaPod will allow you to view the Playaz in sequence (for example, you may have a set Playa list of Phil, Wayne, Guv'na, Tac, and Bon) or, you may select the "shuffle" mode and view Playaz in a random sequence (Guv'na, Tac, Wayne, Bon, and Phil).
The PlayaPod is expected to retail for $199.99.
"We think the kids will find the PlayaPod very exciting, and we expect it to be our hottest new product," Steve Jobs was quoted as saying. "In addition, the PlayaPod will feature different 'skins' that you can attach to personalize your PlayaPod. We are developing one now that will feature the color scheme of Bon's argyle sweater vest and electric blue slacks," Jobs added.
Posted by Phil at 3:17 PM
September 6, 2005
The "CHiPs" pilot that never was
You were probably not aware of this, but Bon and Tac were originally slatedto appear on the hit television show "CHiPs", which aired from 1977 until 1983.
That's right. Bon was originally cast as officer "John Baker", and Tac
was cast as Sgt. "Joseph Catraire".
The pilot was shot around August of '77, and it looked like the network was going to have a hit on it's hands. But, a couple of things went astray. As many of you know, the character of "Ponch", played by Erik Estrada, was supposed to be a great handball or raquetball player. In the pilot, Ponch and John are playing a game of raquetball when Bon got a little over-zealous and smashed Estrada over the head with his raquet stemming from a dispute in the score.
There was tension on the set ever since. Secondly, Wayne was
negotiating the salaries for Bon and Tac, and Wayne felt Bon and Tac
deserved the same money as Henry Winkler was making in his role as "The Fonz" on Happy Days. Tac and Bon threatened to hold out until their salary demands were met.
Needless to say, the studio execs replaced Bon and Tac with Larry
Wilcox and Robert Pine, and the rest was history.
Posted by Phil at 9:13 PM
September 5, 2005
Be sure and catch our new movie, STV - 2!
I know you have been waiting for this new movie to come out, starring
your favorite Playaz. Well, wait no more! Our new movie, titled Straight To Video 2 (STV-2 for short), is out tomorrow. You probably loved our first movie (Straight To Video), and now you will get its much anticipated sequel.
STV - 2 will feature even more random acts of violence, with
less annoying dialogue and "plot". This movie features twice as many
jet-ski explosions, firing of two guns at once, train de-railments, and
overall death.
This movie promises scenes of the Playaz whipping people with fire hoses, beating people with a car muffler, stabbing them in the ankles,
snapping humerous bones, eating vital organs, smashing people in the
larynx, jumping into the air, kicking inanimate objects into people's
faces, and severing spinal cords.
You do not want to miss it! It is so good that the studio will not even allow the public to see this movie in theaters. Put your orders in now at your local retail mega-store for STV-2.
Posted by Phil at 8:58 PM