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October 31, 2005

Bush nominates Dian Parkinson for Supreme Court on Playaz' recommendation

Following Harriett Miers's recent withdrawal of her nomination to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court, President Bush followed the Playaz' recommendation and nominated former Price Is Right model Dian Parkinson in Miers's place.

Parkinson will face the Senate Judicial Committee with the backing of not only the Playaz, but of Larry Holmes and Kenny Rogers.

"I expect Ms. Parkinson to be approved by the Senate very quickly," President Bush stated. "Her knowledge of the Constitution is unsurpassed, as well her ability to fairly award 'prizes' to those who come before the court, thanks to her experience on The Price Is Right," the President added.

Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM | Comments (42) | TrackBack

October 28, 2005

Kenny, Wayne stay up all night to repair Playaz' jet

Kenny Rogers and Wayne worked through the night repairing the Playaz' jet, which Tac crashed into the swimming pool at Playaz Headquarters during the most recent Playaz Ball.

Wayne mainly stood and held Kenny's tools while Kenny worked on the jet, handing Kenny each particular tool as Kenny requested for the job at hand.

Kenny stated that he replaced the float valve and put in new ball-bearings for the aircraft.

The Playaz are expected to fly Kenny to Columbus, Georgia for Kenny's Christmas concert on December 1st.

Posted by Phil at 11:14 AM | Comments (46)

October 27, 2005

Tragedy strikes Playaz again! Phil's daughter eaten by shark

Oh the horror!

I am currently in mourning as one of my daughters was recently devoured by a shark. With great sadness, I post the gruesome pictures here. View them with caution! You can see she struggled to escape the jaws of the terrible beast!

Why God???!

You might also note my other daughter has evolved into some sort of squid-creature.

Posted by Phil at 5:52 PM | Comments (21)

October 26, 2005

Michael Vick holds candlelight vigil for the Guv'na

Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Michael Vick staged a candlelight vigil outside the Guv'na's hospital room upon Guv'na's arrival home Tuesday.

Vick, donned in a festive Santa Claus hat, offered his well-wishes for a speedy recovery. Vick's mother attended the event as well, and brought the Guv'na a bowl of her famous vegetable soup in an effort to lift Guv'na's spirits.

Guv'na was the victim of a failed assassination attempt by an assailant that has not been positively identified. Police apprehended a suspect in the D.C. area shooting, but formal charges have not yet been brought.

UPDATE:
Guv'na releases a statement from his hospital bed

As I Lay Recovering

Voices in my head
Talk of drugs
My data is like bread
Must rid it of bugs

My pipe, how I love thee
Take the smoke in all night
Curves down like a C
Hold with left or with right?

Departing, I, from this place
Gruff, smoky fellow I see
Men in dark, how they race
As a weapon comes free

Pinball in my sides
Reckoning of truth
High-wheeled bicycle rides
Days of my youth

No light, just white
Figures with knives and stitch
No argue, no fight
"Guvna, you have a glitch"

Lose me? I think not
Devil-fiend, go away
This carrion shall not rot
"Guvna, you will live another day"

Candy canes of light and air
My heads swims in stripes
A splendid job of repair
Never seen so many pipes

Forgiveness to AUA
Man of apples and grins
For as they say
"A Playa always wins"

Posted by Phil at 9:24 AM | Comments (23) | TrackBack

October 25, 2005

Guv'na shot! Playaz Ball reader suspected in D.C. area assassination attempt

An assassination attempt on the Guv'na's life occurred Tuesday afternoon, after an assailant shot the Guv'na under his left arm while the Guv'na was being escorted out of the Sheraton National hotel in Arlington, Virginia Tuesday.

The Guv'na was attending a fascinating conference Monday and Tuesday in an effort to learn more about optimizing clinical trial data, when shortly following the conference a small crowd had gathered outside the hotel anticipating the Guv'na's appearance after a contest on www.playazball.com had been announced challenging readers to locate the Guv'na.

As the Guv'na approached his limo, five shots rang out, one striking the Guv'na under his third rib and puncturing his lung. The Guv'na was then hurried into his bullet-proof limosine and whisked away to a nearby hospital, where doctors operated on the Guv'na with success, removing the bullet.
Photographers captured a frame-by-frame sequence of the Guv'na as he is hit by the bullet

The shooter was quickly apprehended by the Guv'na's security staff.

It is believed that this man was responsible for the shooting, and is known to be a frequent lurker on the Playaz Ball website.

The bullet narrowly missed the Guv'na's heart, and Guv'na was overheard lamenting the fact that he was not wearing his standard bullet-proof turtleneck. The Guv'na is expected to make a full recovery.

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM | Comments (22)

October 24, 2005

Where in the world is the Guv'na?

No, he's not in Germany....the Guv'na is in Washington, D.C.

The first Washingtonian who can track down and locate the Guv'na will win a Playaz Wear shirt or hat of your choosing!

Here are some hints:

- The Guv'na will be in the D.C. area today and tomorrow.
- During the day, Guv'na will be at a conference involving "optimizing clinical trial data" in an Arlington-area hotel.
- Guv'na will be at the Reagan Airport between the hours of 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. on Tuesday night.

See if you can spot the Guv'na! You may report any possible Guv'na sightings here. Good luck!!

Posted by Phil at 9:55 AM | Comments (30) | TrackBack

October 23, 2005

Ronald Macabre

In the spirit of Halloween, I have come up with three disturbing images involving a creature that is quite possibly the most frightening visage one could conjure. Below are three places you absolutely do not want to see this horrifying evil, Ronald McDonald.

In a sewer.

In your bathroom stall.

While performing a c-section.

Posted by Phil at 2:58 PM | Comments (55)

October 22, 2005

Must see TV

This might become the greatest television show ever.

After you've read that, go to the main page for a sample clip.

Posted by Phil at 4:06 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

October 20, 2005

24 hour party people

While the Playaz could not attend the most recent rave in our adopted town of Washington D.C. this past Wednesday, hosted by the D.C. wrecking-crew of DC Cookie, Kathryn, DC Bachelor, and the Rock Creek Rambler, it appears we were there in spirit.

The Playaz would like to salute those who honored us at this event. Thanks, all.

Click Me

(credit to DC Cookie and I-66 for the pics)

Note: Sorry for the poor video quality - I am working on an alternative to post higher quality video (in other words, larger files) that I am not able to post here (ahem! *cough*makalumedia*cough*).

Posted by Phil at 9:53 PM | Comments (83) | TrackBack

October 19, 2005

Bon volunteers in aiding fight against bird flu; kills all birds

Following recent orders by government authorities to begin culling birds in Asia and in parts of Europe to battle the potential outbreak of the bird flu, Bon volunteered his services to begin culling birds that Bon suspects may be carrying the deadly virus in America.

Bon made swift work of the birds in within his neighborhood, creating a deadly environment for the local blue jays, cardinals, robins, and geese that frequent the area, killing off birds one by one via poisoning, mallet, or shotgun blast. "The safest way to protect ourselves from an outbreak of bird flu in epidemic proportions is to simply kill every last bird," Bon said.

Next, Bon headed over to the local children's Petting Zoo. "These birds don't look safe to me," Bon was overheard as saying upon arrival. He then wiped out an entire cage of parakeets with some form of pesticide spray pumped into the cage via a pressure-wash sprayer.

Bon then made his way over to the Duck Pond, where children visiting the zoo looked on. Bon addressed the children by saying, "Who here has heard the story of the Ugly Duckling?" Several children eagerly raised their hands to answer. "I have! I have!", they shouted. One boy answered, "didn't he grow up to be a beautiful swan?" "No," Bon replied. "He was diagnosed as having the bird flu, and was put to death." Bon then whacked a goose on the head with a mallet, in front of the stunned children.

A local zoo-keeper approached Bon and questioned his tactics, raising the point that the bird flu seems to be primarily contained in Turkey and Romania, and parts of Asia. Bon assured the zoo keeper that one can never be too careful, nor is it wise to trust the wily and crafty bird, who will not hesitate to defecate on your patio and spread it's diseases wherever it can, and that we should remain vigilant even in America. Bon then smashed the zoo keeper's skull with his mallet and left.

Posted by Phil at 8:27 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

October 18, 2005

Playaz consult with Chewbacca on upcoming space mission

The Playaz consulted recently with outer-space wookie Chewbacca to discuss their upcoming space mission, scheduled to occur sometime in 2006.

The Playaz were recently commissioned by NASA to join commander Kenny Rogers and pilot Larry Holmes to embark on a top secret space mission.

It was not clear, however, whether the Playaz were trying to recruit Chewbacca to become a member of their all-star crew. Chewbacca, a technically-savvy 7 and one-half foot space ape, could provide much needed assistance with the advanced space craft, set to be flown by Larry Holmes, as well as provide his skills with laser weaponry should Kenny, Larry, and the Playaz face any dangerous foreign life forms.

"We cannot disclose at this time what exactly is being discussed with the mighty Chewbacca," Wayne was quoted as saying. "However, we can tell you we are heading into uncharted territory, and we just aren't sure of what possible dangers we might face. Larry is a world-class fighter, but he can only do so much with his fists against an alien beast with an incinerator and three arms, and Kenny, great leader as he is, is merely a country musician and actor. Chewbacca has extensive experience not only with repairing hyper-drives, but also with facing a potential hostile enemy," Wayne added.

It is expected that Tac, a certified electrician, would head the engineering aboard the spacecraft, and it is speculated that the Playaz may be interviewing the wookie to determine his potential viability in assisting Tac, and his overall space exploration experience to the secret mission.

"Tac has been late for several meetings," said one Playa who spoke confidentially. "We just want to be sure all of our bases are covered."

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (137) | TrackBack

October 15, 2005

Playaz make special appearnce at local party - "common folks" enthralled

Bon and I appeared this evening at a local party (for our usual "appearance fee" - $5,000.00 per Playa, plus a sandwich and drinks) to stunned party-goers and 'wowed' them with our suave appearance, our class, and of course, our beaver.

My wife came with us as we had to pick her up from work from the local Huddle House, and it was on our way anyway.

Bon over-dressed as usual, wearing a tuxedo, his gold scorpion medallion, and some shoes that I believe once belonged to former NBA basketball player Darryl Dawkins.

I had some pretty sweet Giorgio Bertini's myself.

Of course, the problem I run into at any party I appear at publicly is that I can't seem to keep the ladies at bay, which is particularly difficult when my wife is tagging along. These ladies offered to strip me out of my three-piece J.C. Penney suit and into the hot-tub, but I would only oblige them to have a picture taken with me.

Notice how people can't keep their hands off the beaver. It's coat is so silky-smooth.

So Bon & I cleaned out their refridgerator, drank all of their booze, autographed some buttocks, injected a little crystal-meth and then we were on our way. Needless to say, when we got through with that place, they won't exactly be inviting us back again. But that's okay.

Next week we have a children's birthday party we are booked for our next public appearance. Should be interesting.

Posted by Phil at 11:34 PM | Comments (47)

October 13, 2005

Another satisfied customer

Ladies! Are you tired of wondering what you're going to wear to the next Blogger Happy Hour? Always complaining that you hate your clothes? Are you having dreams about the Playaz, and just can't seem to get them out of your mind (I'm looking in your direction, MPL)?

Well, worry no more! Wear the hottest clothes, featuring the hottest men on the planet, and just a click away at the Playaz Mall!

Featured above is a lovely "Dancing Bon" spaghetti strap 't'. I can assure you this young lady was the talk of the town with her cutting edge fashion, and the envy of all her friends. Her husband was probably so jealous of having Bon nestled in between her bosom that he made sweet love to her all night long.

So what are you waiting for? Click on our link in the sidebar and visit our online store. Can't find what you're looking for? Let me know and I will customize your order.

Order today! While supplies last!

Posted by Phil at 9:45 PM | Comments (19)

October 12, 2005

"Hello. This is the heavyweight champion of the world..."

Larry Holmes Daily Checklist:

1. Rise.
2. Polish Heavyweight Championship belts.
3. Eat hamburger at my Ringside restaurant.
4. Count money.
5. Call Phil.
6. Take nap.

Posted by Phil at 9:16 AM | Comments (19) | TrackBack

October 10, 2005

Cast your vote! Which is better...?

For a while now, a relative of Tac's has been trying to convince Tac that he should purchase his '94 Corvette. While I think this would be an outstanding purchase, I also think that if Tac is willing to spend the money on such a vehicle, he should expand his options. I suggested Tac strongly consider a '77 or '78 Pontiac Trans Am. What could possibly be better, I argued, than seeing Tac wheel up in a black "Smokey & The Bandit" Trans Am? If anything, if not because the Trans Am is simply bad, for the comedic value as well. Tac was not completley sold on the idea.

So now I put it to you, the readers. Which is better?

Tac and the 'Vette:

or...

Tac and the T/A?

I think the choice is fairly obvious, but I thought I'd let Tac hear your opinions.

Tac sez: "no way!, I guess in Playa dream land you would purchase the TA before the vette, but no way in real life. I'm eager to see what the results of the vote are. Don't get me wrong, I love the TA, as a matter a fact I would love to have that car, for real, but you can't be serious when you say you would prefer the TA over the vette. It's a Chevy Corvette for goodness sake. The only true American sports car."

Below is a photo of the actual 'Vette Tac was looking at buying.

Vote or die!

Posted by Phil at 10:08 PM | Comments (132) | TrackBack

October 9, 2005

Welcome to www.playazball.com

It has been a long road, but the inevitable has finally happened. Someone offered to design and host our website for free and we accepted, after much discussion to determine if it would be exclusively to the Playaz benefit. We think it will be.

First, let me say I think the site looks great (of course it does). We have two people to thank for that. Mike Rohde, who designs websites for Makalumedia, and can be found at Rohdesign.com. Also, a big, big thanks to Matt Henderson, who sees the obvious genius in the Playaz and made all this possible. If you ever need a website designed, or anything else of a technical nature that I am not smart enough to explain here, visit his company's site at Makalumedia.com. They do consulting, software maintanence, website design and control, (among other things) for the European Space Agency, to give you an example of how good they are.

The site as it stands now is still a work in progress. We have a few other features we will be adding to the site once Mike has time to work them in and as I get more familiar with how the new platform works.

I will be working in the old posts from the old site as I have time. Blogger has no export feature so it could take a while. We know there is much historical data of the Playaz that must be maintained, and your need to research it!

So in closing, thanks again to Matt & Mike, and thanks to you guys for reading.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 PM | Comments (116) | TrackBack

October 8, 2005

There is nothing wrong with your computer.

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to Playaz Ball.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 PM | Comments (25) | TrackBack

October 5, 2005

Be sure and stop by your local newsstand

The Playaz fall feature magazine hits newsstands next week!

Posted by Phil at 6:40 PM | Comments (29)

October 3, 2005

The Price Is Right

This is to give you readers a little background on the time that the Playaz' hosted and produced the popular game show The Price Is Right. Prior to Bob Barker's arrival, Bon was the first host of The Price Is Right (the version that you have become familiar with, not the sixties version). Bon was an excellent host, albeit a bit aggressive and quick to anger with some of the dumber contestants. Bon ran a tight ship, and was responsible for many of the innovations that make TPIR popular today. Bon discovered and recruited the models who appeared on the show, knowing that their sex-appeal would boost ratings and help promote the show itself.

Many of you are aware of the Playaz late-night parties with the likes of Dian Parkinson, Holly Hutchinson, Ferrari Ferris, and many other of the fine ladies from TPIR. Well, they were Bon's idea, and were called "Bon's Beauties" before Barker came in riding on Bon's coattails. Wayne was the announcer for the show. Wayne is quite a handsome fellow, but has a notoriously jealous wife. In order to keep peace with his wife at home, who was not fond of the Playaz' carousing with the models on the show, Wayne decided to gain 50 pounds and wear flamboyantly gay clothing in an effort to keep the ladies away, a style that was copied by subsequent announcers after our dismissal.

We invented many of the games that are still played today. This is a picture of the "Playaz Clock Game", in which contestants tried to guess the measurements of certain Playaz within 30 seconds, where Bon would instruct the contestant to guess "higher" or "lower".

When the contestant guessed correctly, the clock would stop and then move on to the next Playa. This game was not a favorite of the network and was quickly cancelled, until the Barker-era came along and the game was simply renamed "Clock Game" where contestants guessed prices of vegetables and whatnot.

We were all fired, however, when it came out that we tried to rig the game by winning prizes for ourself. For three shows straight, either Tac, Manny or myself won as contestants on the show until the network caught on. We were forced to return most of the money, but we did get to keep a Chevrolet Caprice Classic they did not account for.

Another sore spot with the network was Bon's "kill all animals" stance, contrary to Bob Barker's stance on making sure your pets are taken care of by being either spayed or neutered. Thus, it simply didn't work out for us.

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (40)