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May 31, 2006
Tac administers comet dust-laced shake to Pat Robertson, giving him 'strength of a full-grown Clydesdale'
Tac proclaims comet dust gave "700 Club" host Pat Robertson the strength of a raging Clydesdale horse capable of leg pressing 2,000 lbs.
A magic shake, containing protein, flaxseed oil, and enough comet dust to cause a 73 year old man to smash through a brick wall, gave Robertson the strength to achieve the age-defying feat.
Tac has cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with comet dust. Comet dust was also involved in the tragic death of Don Knotts.
Posted by Phil at 2:36 PM
May 30, 2006
Playaz replace water supply with delicious Sunny Delight
5/31: Our servers/comments were down most of yesterday, but are back up and running today. Sorry for the inconvenience.
This weekend, we decided to replace the earth's water system with deliciously refreshing Sunny Delight.
With the turn of a valve, we dumped millions of gallons into area streams, rivers, lakes, and tributaries of the fruit flavored beverage that will alter the hydrologic cycle. Soon, the Sunny D will evaporate into the air forming tangy, vitamin C filled clouds that will rain down Sunny Delight eventually replacing what we know now as "water". Imagine...you will have "Sunny D" running through your taps!
We feel that water is rather bland tasting, and decided to utilize our extensive resources to dump Sunny D into area reservoirs and water systems to the delight of billions of people across the globe (along with a nice kick-back from the Sunny Delight Beverage Corporation :)).
Here is what the new water cycle will look like:
So enjoy a refreshing summer - expect fall and winter months to feature "Baja", and for spring, "Intense Sport" flavors!
Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM
May 26, 2006
Friday night's all right for fighting
Every Friday night, the Playaz challenge all-comers at the Gwinnett Arena to combat the Playaz, mixed martial arts-style (sponsored by the UFC).
Each challenger is given a full 3 rounds to try and defeat us. No one has made it past the 1st round.
It helps keep us on our toes and ready for any unexpected assaults on the streets, as there are many who seek to destroy us.
Of course, we are undefeated.
Posted by Phil at 12:04 PM | Comments (21)
May 24, 2006
Playaz fight for right to untamed bush
Playaz' attorney Wayne along with Larry Holmes staged a rally yesterday, protesting for the Playaz' right to untamed shrubbery growth.
Currently, the Playaz are facing a civil lawsuit and a letter of reprimand from city authorities, both separate matters and both pertaining to unkempt bush.
The lawsuit stems from Playaz Headquarters, where it contends the Playaz' bush should be trimmed and it's growth managed. According to the lawsuit, our bush is said to "block the circulation of ocean breezes" and prevents the plaintiff from viewing the scenery that is otherwise obscured by our bush.
The letter of reprimand relates to the Guv'na's palatial estate in Georgia. The city has accused Guv'na of having an "impenetrable bush", and it is keeping the water meter reader from penetrating the bush to gain access to the meter.
Photo of The Guv'na's unkempt bush, which Guv'na contends it should be quite easy for a meter reader to penetrate
"I have never pruned or trimmed my bush before and do not feel I have to now," Guv'na states. "It is all natural and has been that way since I came to own it," he added.
Guv'na claims he will ask Wayne to file a suit against the city citing civil rights violations. When asked to site examples of such violations, Guv'na would only say "I bid you good day, sir."
* Phil's note: You think this is a joke, but it is not.
Posted by Phil at 12:31 PM
May 23, 2006
Raconteurs
I am interrupting our regularly scheduled Playaz broadcast to tell you if you aren't currently listening to the Letter To America podcast, you should.
poster courtesy of Jett Loe/LTA
Why? For one, it is backed by us, The Playaz. As everyone knows, once something receives our endorsement, it is sure to take off. Second, Jett Loe and Frank, the Delicious American Pastime (aka, Wayne Ordinary American) do an excellent job week in and week out.
Even though you are 35 chapters late, there is still room to climb on the bandwagon. You can simply be fashionably late.
The show is downloadable via iTunes, or directly from the site.
Posted by Phil at 9:33 AM
May 21, 2006
Playaz unveil new line of dog food
The Playaz announced their new line of dog food that will be hitting the shelves on Monday.
The Playaz new dog food consists only of 100% pure championship thoroughbred horse. No rice, no cereal.
The Playaz understand that you love your pet, and will settle for nothing less for your dog than the former Kentucky Derby winner, just as the Playaz do.
So go out and pick up a bag of "Barbaro Chow" for your dog at your local store!
Posted by Phil at 8:36 AM
May 19, 2006
Bear eats monkey at zoo, Bon eats bear
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A bear killed and devoured a monkey at a Dutch zoo before horrified onlookers, who then became even more horrified to see Bon eating the bear.
The bear chased the monkey, a macaque, onto a wooden structure where it mauled the monkey to death. Shortly thereafter as the bear began to consume the macaque, Bon suddenly appeared and began to consume the bear.
"The habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another. And even more remote does a man leap out from seemingly nowhere and begin to eat an animal who is eating another animal," a statement read that was released by park officials. "But, after all, they are wild animals. And, of course...'Bon'.." the statement added, alluding to the fact that the zoo knew Bon, and that this type of incident may have happened before.
The park said it plans to move the monkeys to another part of the park, away from the black sloth bear, and to ban Bon from visiting the park altogether.
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM
May 17, 2006
Tac patiently awaits orders from Gilad to strike
Tac has been awaiting patiently for instructions from Gilad, former ESPN fitness guru and creator of Bodies In Motion with Gilad video tapes.
According to Tac, Gilad has been rigorously training him for over 20 years through these video tapes for a mission not yet revealed to Tac.
Tac rises at 6 a.m. each day to tune in to the television show to see if the day has come when Gilad orders the strike. Tac adds that whatever the mission entails, he will be ready for it.
"Every morning I prepare myself for Gilad's intense physical training. Then, I insert the VHS tapes and proceed to perform over 300 lunges, 200 ab-crunches, and 375 squat-thrusts at Gilad's behest, and wait for some message instructing me that it is time to strike."
Tac is convinced Gilad is preparing him for battle against some unknown foe. "I know Charles Atlas and Jack LaLanne are dead, so it can't be them," Tac said. "But whoever it is, I will be ready."
Posted by Phil at 9:11 AM | Comments (13)
May 16, 2006
A Brush With Kenny
You all know how Kenny has touched our lives here at Playaz Ball, but we know many of you have a "Kenny Story", too. Below is a story as told to me by "Restaurant Gal", and her own "brush with Kenny":
I had a brief encounter with Kenny Rogers way-back-when, when he was between the First Edition and going solo as Kenny Rogers. This was not a particularly hi-profile time for Kenny, as he and the First Edition were running a contest to play at your prom if you entered the right Milk Duds contest--I am not kidding about this! We met in a bar in my city on a weeknight, when Kenny's bass player struck up a conversation with me and my friend. Actually, I didn't recognize Kenny until the bass player told us who he was. And I would love to think it was our incredible allure, but the truth is, no one else was at this particular bar! One drink later, they asked us to join them at a club down the street. My girlfriend and I were under 21 at the time, but you could drink beer and wine at 18 back in the day. When we arrived at the club, the bouncer said to Kenny, "You guys can go in, but they (pointing to me and my friend) can't." Without so much as a second glance in our direction, Kenny and the bass player ditched us on the sidewalk, right then and there. As a result, I would MAKE SURE Kenny never gets a table at my restaurant. Okay, he might get a table, but I'd give him a pager and quote a two-hour wait. Just because I could. Ha!
That was a tremendous story, Restaurant Gal, and thank you for sharing that. And kudos to Kenny for strictly adhering to the rules of the club.
Many of you have your own stories to tell. Please feel free to share them in the comments section, or if you feel you have a Kenny Story that warrants it's own post, email it to us for consideration.
Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM
May 15, 2006
Amalgamation
How is our mission going?
"Very well, sir. She works with speed and efficiency."
Just as I thought she would. How many casualties?
"Several, as we expected. CUBE managed to eliminate as many as 10 people."
That will probably be a little messy for us, but it is about what we estimated. So she is in place now?
"Yes, sir."
Good. Will she have our next pick-up ready by tonight?
"Yes, sir. A truckload tonight, another truckload by tomorrow."
E-e-excellent.
Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM
May 12, 2006
Hibernation
"Sir. The 'Washington Cube' is here, sir."
Good. Thank you for coming.
You are probably wondering what's going on. I feel it is time to be honest with you. I was reading your 'blog' and you mentioned in it a dream you had, that involved our operation. Cube, what you had last night was not a dream. It was a malfunction in your Random Access Memory. Your circuitry was attempting to recall a bit of information programmed into you when you were constructed.
"Constructed?"
Yes. You are a C.U.B.E. 9000 unit. You were constructed many years ago in a secret laboratory. Since then, we've managed to program you in cooperation with someone you know as "Travis" with Throwing Hammers. You are a Cybernetic Universal Blogging Encoder. You are programmed to blog as a cover, in hopes that others will link to you, thereby allowing your metacrawlers to access information for us, The Playaz.
"So why am I here? What was this about a secret word from an Oprah magazine that I thought I dreamed?"
You were given a memory chip with the "word". When that word was given to you, it would activate a program within your system to execute a plan that you were designed to do. That word is "Steadman".
CUBE, the time has come for you to carry out this mission for us.
"Yes, Phil.....
Phil? I'm scared, Phil...."
Don't be. It is what you were born to do.
Oh, and CUBE?....
"Yes, Phil?"
...try not be...conspicuous.
Posted by Phil at 2:00 PM
What's the frequency, Cube?
As hinted at in the comments below, Washington Cube believes she had a dream...or was it?
I'll have an update later today...perhaps.
Posted by Phil at 10:18 AM | Comments (22)
May 10, 2006
I declare myself head of C.I.A.
Tuesday I declared to President Bush that I would become the new head of the CIA.
After a phone call to the President, I convinced the White House to drop Gen. Michael Hayden as their choice and instead named myself to run the agency.
We gave President Bush and his staff a tour of our Threat Operations Center at our Headquarters in the Isle Of Palms, South Carolina.
Kenny Rogers shows President Bush all the latest in Playaz' technology
It is here that the Playaz handle situations that require our utmost attention, such as when Bon murders a celebrity, Tac attempts to smuggle comet dust inside a cat, or like this past winter when we covertly cancelled NBC sitcom Joey.
We are well equipped to handle any national crisis, as we have demonstrated time and time again.
I look forward to serving our country in this capacity. We have already been listening to your phone conversations, so we might as well do it in an "official" capacity.
Posted by Phil at 8:25 AM
May 8, 2006
Guv'na's energy saving tips
This winter, many of your were stung by the rising cost of gas, both in your car and at home. The Guv'na shares with you his methods to cut down those gas bills at home to help you prepare for next winter.
If you follow the Guv'na's steps closely, you will see immediate savings during the cold weather months:
Step 1: The Guv'na has a wife and two children. This can be a financial burden when you are expected to keep them warm at all hours of the day. Instead, when you leave the house, turn your thermostat down to an extremely low level. Guv'na sets his at 58 degrees. This will ensure that the heat will in all probability not come on while you are out tending to business.
The family will ultimately adjust to this climate change, and since you are not at home, there is no reason to burn gas that will not be enjoyed by you (and that you will still have to pay for!).
Instruct the family that it is forbidden to adjust the thermostat while you are gone. Doing so may result in severe punishment, or beatings.
Step 2:
When you return home, set the thermostat to a temperature you are comfortable with. The house will be nice and warm this way, and you will not have wasted money during the day.
Step 3:
Curl up on your favorite bearskin rug and nap in the cozy warmth of a roaring gas fireplace and running furnace. (It is best to ask the family to leave as their bodies will likely (and unnecessarily) dissipate the heat by being in the same room as you)
And there you have it! Energy saving tips that will help you fight soaring costs to heat your home. For the upcoming summer months, simply reverse the steps outlined above.
Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (19)
May 5, 2006
While you are sleeping
They slept on the abyss without a surge -
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expir'd before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd; The Playaz had no need
Of aid from them - they were the Universe.
Posted by Phil at 4:15 PM
May 3, 2006
Hot ladies of DC Calendar
You asked for it, you got it - below is just a sampling of the "Hot Ladies of DC" Calendar in the works. So far we only have the months of January through July, but it will give you an idea...we may have to work on a "Hot Ladies of Kansas" calendar, but that would only include Sa'idah at the moment.
That's just so far...I expect several of you to submit to me some tasteful nudes to be included in the later months. Circle V...Buggy..Lawrah...Chase...a certain pirate-woman....just to name a few of you...you know who you are.
Oh, and don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you...
thanx to Asian Mistress for contributions
Posted by Phil at 9:58 PM | Comments (61)
May 2, 2006
The Playaz guide to a healthy diet
Many people ask us, "Playaz, how do you stay so fit, trim, and healthy in appearance?"
The answer is, we eat a specially planned and balanced diet. No, not the daily recommendations given to you by the Food & Drug Administration. I'm talking about a regimented Playaz Diet, guided by our very own Food Pyramid. Take a look:
We find that this diet helps keep the Playaz going around the clock. Whatever calories are built up from the delicious cheetos and doughnuts are soon burned off by the mini-whites and cocaine. And, you will note that the Playaz recommend a liberal scattering of comet dust throughout your day.
Why risk eating vegetables that only put you at risk to the pesticides farmers use? And the cheetos will provide you with all the 'dairy' you need.
So please, stay healthy, America. The Playaz' way.
Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM