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June 30, 2006
United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth
Only 230 years old and in that time we've: Beat the crap out of England, beat the crap out of Indians, beat the crap out the Spanish & Mexicans, beat the crap out of ourselves, beat the crap out of Germany (twice), beat the crap out of Italy, beat the crap out of Japan, beat the crap out of Korea, almost beat the crap out of Vietnam, made some sweet moolah off of Iraq & Iran, beat the crap out of Iraq, then beat the crap out of Iraq again, and are keeping out the Mexicans with a gigantic fence.
I'm pretty sure we also invented "Tivo", the greatest invention ever.
U.S. is the best, and don't let anyone tell you different.
Have a happy and safe fourth of July, everyone.
Posted by Phil at 7:42 AM
June 28, 2006
Playaz to deploy Larry Holmes as 'Human Cannonball' against North Korean missiles
Sounds like Kim Jong-Il is not living up to his end of the bargain any longer.
The U.S. has summoned the Playaz for assistance once again. And once again, we have a solution:
Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM
June 26, 2006
Bon slays Charles Darwin's tortoise
With help from the Guv'na, Bon slayed the last living link to evolution theorist Charles Darwin, killing his 176 year old tortoise.
Bon, a staunch creationist, has long despised the tortoise for it's connection to Darwin, and has taken many painstaking years to ultimately capture and kill the well-protected and cared-for animal.
Instead of killing the tortoise instantly, Guv'na held the tortoise at knifepoint, while Bon stripped the shell off the 330 lb. reptile, exposing it to infection and disease. Then Bon shouted Bible verses at the tortoise, giving it cause to succumb to a heart-attack from the stress of knowing it would soon burn in Hades for "siding" with Darwin.
"And God said, Let us make the Playaz in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and the Playaz shalt kill every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth." - Genesis 1
Posted by Phil at 11:49 AM
June 23, 2006
Fan Mail
Many of you email us from time to time, and we read and reply to each and every email we receive. Friday I received an email from a young man who works at Lord West, a tuxedo rental store as best I can tell. I have decided to share with you this engaging and delightful email from "jeffs".
I have posted them in the order they were exchanged.
Note: The below email contains some partially edited profanity. If you are under the age of 18, please turn off your computer immediately.
From: jeffs
To: playaz@playazball.com
Re: GAY
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 2:26 PM
BOOOOOOO!!! WEBSITE SUCKS C_CK!!!!!!
On 6/23/06, Phil wrote:
(laughing) What??
P.S. Your tuxedos suck c--k.
From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:13 PM
To: Phil
Tuxedos? Did you go to tuxedos.com
On 6/23/06 3:23 PM, "Phil" wrote:
Costumes? Photoshop?
Your tuxedo store is obviously not refined enough to know good taste when they see it. I would never rent one from your store, based on what you've told me here.
As far as women goes: ever hear of "Dian Parkinson"? That should tell you all you need to know.
Our site is serious, and is not designed to be funny.
From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:35 PM
To: Phil
Store? Rent? This is not a tuxedo store, we handle big names like Ralph lauren, Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis,
Ecko Unltd, and I’m a graphic Designer for this company. We don’t rent. We sell to stores that do rent. Now whats so serious about your site? First look , I though it was couple guys trying to make a funny site called playaz ball. Which I though was a joke. Explain your site because your front page doesn’t do anything if it is a real site. Dian Parkinson, No never heard of her, Well maybe I did, old playboy model. I am sure shes old and washed up now.
On 6/23/06 4:00 PM, "Phil" wrote:
I see, the big names. Well I would love something high-end, like this: Link
I think the ascot is a nice touch, and right up my alley. I am a 46 long. And give me a coat with as many buttons down the front as will fit.
No the site is not funny at all. I think that may be where your confusion and anger have set in. It is five of us, and we report to you on our activities.
As far as the design and your self-proclaimed expertise, here's an idea: Why don't you pay us to do design work to our site to improve it?
And how dare you, sir, declare Ms Parkinson "old and washed up"!! !!!!!!!1!!!one!
From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Phil
Lol, I’m only 22, Shes before my time. I don’t know about paying you, but you can pay me to improve your site . Good luck
On 6/23/06 4:16 PM "Phil" wrote:
She could teach you a lesson or two in the ways of love, young man.
You obviously don't understand how our business model works. You may go here for reference: Link
I'm suprised you are only 22.
From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:35 PM
To: Phil
Well I get the point, I look at everything a certain way, My first impression should be WOW, then I get hooked into it. I seriously though your website was just for fun, I try to be perfect in every aspect in design. Bad designs upset me and I have no clue why. So that’s why I emailed you, Most people don’t email me back but you did so it was pretty funny. I’ll have to look into your site more to understand I guess, But your link did help. Why are you so surprised I’m 22?
On 6/23/06 4:47 PM "Phil" wrote:
Just kidding. I am not suprised.
Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM
June 22, 2006
Corporate sponsor secured for Playaz Ball 2006
The Playaz are pleased to announce English Leather® as this year's Playaz Ball corporate sponsor.
English Leather® recently signed an eight figure sponsorship deal with the Playaz to promote their "Shower Soap on a Cord". It is the only soap the Playaz use.
The full length cord conveniently hangs over a faucet or around your neck. Not just around your wrist. And every Playa-sized bar is hard-milled to last longer.
A man's soap. A Playaz' soap, with the clean, fresh scent of classic English Leather.
So this year, try English Leather®. Be one man with one scent. The scent of a Playa.
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM
June 20, 2006
Bridgeport, Conn. Mayor expected to play pivotal role in Playaz Ball '06
At an impromptu press conference held today, Wayne told reporters that Bridgeport, Connecticut Mayor John Fabrizi would play a pivotal role in this year's Playaz Ball.
"Mayor Fabrizi has long been a friend of the Playaz, and we hope he will once again lend us his expertise in planning this year's Playaz Ball," Wayne stated.
"Bridgeport is a town roughly equivalent in size to that of Charleston, where Playaz Ball is held each year. His abilities to successfully navigate the streets of such a town while maintaining a high profile, and pinpointing the locations of the best narcotics possible are unparalleled."
At last year's Playaz Ball, Fabrizi helped "keep the party rolling all night long, and not stop until the break of dawn," Wayne added.
Posted by Phil at 2:22 PM
June 18, 2006
Guv'na goes to dentist for first time in over 30 years
The Guv'na recently decided (at the urging of the rest of the Playaz) to pay a visit to the local dentist's office. It was the first time Guv'na had seen a dentist in over 30 years.
The Guv'na, as many of you may recall, originally hails from merry old England, where the Guv'na lived as a small child until moving to the United States. Dental hygiene is generally not considered a priority among Brits, and The Guv'na grew up with a similar regard.
Guv'na insisted he took fine care of his teeth, brushing daily with "Hedley & Wyche", the British toothpaste made of pure cane sugar.
After discussing basic dental procedure, the dentist asked to take a look inside Guv'na's mouth.
After the hygienist's screaming was quelled, they went to work.
After roughly 36 hours of continuous dental work, the Guv'na's teeth are as good as new. Guv'na now insists he will visit the dentist at least thrice every quarter-century.
Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM
June 15, 2006
Playaz remove protestor Darryl Hannah from tree
The Playaz successfully removed celebrity protestor Darryl Hannah from a Los Angeles area walnut tree that Hannah had crawled into to protest it's destruction at the hands of local developers.
The star of the 1984 movie Splash is a known enviromental activist. Hannah had managed to defend the tree for over 23 days before the Playaz were called in by Los Angeles authorities.
The Playaz made quick work of Hannah and other protestors lodged in the tree when they weilded a flame thrower that set ablaze the tree and 14 acres of forest surrounding them.
Prior to the Playaz arrival, the protest had quickly became a celebrity-studded campaign, with the likes of Joan Baez, the folk singer, Willie Nelson, the country singer, and actors Leonardo Di Caprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen all visiting the site. It is believed all died in the blaze, thanks to the Playaz.
"We cannot thank the Playaz enough for their selfless acts in ensuring this development will go on without the interference of annoying celebrities like Darryl Hannah," the mayor of Los Angeles was quoted as saying.
Posted by Phil at 12:00 PM
June 13, 2006
Pitt and Jolie thank Playaz publicly for assistance in birth of their child
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the first time publicly thanked the Playaz for their assistance in the delivery of their daughter Shiloh in Namibia, Africa.
Tac, an amateur ob/gyn, lead the Playa-delivery team, where Angelina delivered baby Shiloh on May 27th. Guv'na coached Angelina through the labor, and Bon was on hand to cut the umbilical cord.
"We would like to deeply thank the Playaz for all their kindness and commitment in assuring the successful birth of our daughter," Pitt and Jolie said. Jolie also provided another bit of news. Says her friend: "She said she wants the Playaz to deliver her child as well."
Pitt, Jolie and the Playaz sold the "official" photos of their baby to People magazine and granted them an interview as well.
When asked to comment on any upcoming wedding bells, Pitt and Jolie were quoted as saying "we don't have any dates set just yet, but we do know Wayne will handle our eventual divorce."
Posted by Phil at 9:40 AM
June 12, 2006
Playaz continue their war on terror; set their sights on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Despite our successful mission that resulted in the death of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Al-Zarqawi, the Playaz are not resting.
Just because one prominent extremist is dead, that does not mean there won't be others to follow in his footsteps.
That's why the Playaz have vowed to take down the person we suspect is next in line for the throne of terror - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Yes, it may suprise you to hear that, as Jabbar is a beloved NBA legend who once held the career scoring record and won multiple world championships with the Los Angeles Lakers.
But did you know that "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar" is a muslim name? That it was once "Lew Alcindor" before he changed it? Therefore, we must assume "Kareem" is a terrorist...a "sleeper" who toiled silently in the NBA for 20 years with the Lakers and Milwaukee Bucks, biding his time until it was his turn to lead.
But fear not - we have battled Kareem before, and we will do it again. Only this time, he won't live to tell the tale.
We also have our eye on Muhammad Ali.
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM
June 9, 2006
Playaz infiltrate lair of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi; ordered U.S. strike
Over the past two weeks, the Playaz managed to successfully infiltrate the tight knit circle of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Once they gained Al-Zarqawi's trust, the Playaz ordered the U.S. Command base to strike, which resulted in the death of Al-Zarqawi and his minions.
The streets erupted in celebration hailing the Playaz, with the Playaz themselves joining in on the celebratory gunfire. The resulting celebrations only killed 3 by-standers with the stray bullets that fell from the sky.
Yesterday, Bon was in Washington to present photos of the deceased Al-Zarqawi.
Bon had taken the photo to The Great Frame Up�, where he selected a tasteful gold frame for the display.
Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM
June 8, 2006
Land of opportunity
Back in 1983, speeding across the Chihuanhuan desert, Tac dodged gunfire and smashed through cactii carrying precious cargo towards the United States' border. That cargo consisted of Ray Reyes, Roy Rosello, Robby Rosa, Charlie Masso, and Ricky Martin, better known as "Menudo".
Yes, we were responsible for bringing you the hit songs Fuego, and Rubik, The Amazing Cube.
And while we appreciated the music, frankly we were more interested in how much cocaine could be smuggled inside the rectums of Menudo.
Now, the U.S. wants to keep immigrants out by strengthening the defense along our borders. So who, then, will smuggle across the next Menudo?
We will.
In fact, it has already happened. While you sleep, the Playaz are at work. A windowless van with five new, young Latinos, packed with comet dust, races towards the border, where they are left at a "drop house" (and an ensuing mix-up causes them to be held for ransom until their families paid for their freedom, ultimately ending in one of the boys having a hand severed), then on to sign a contract with the Playaz' recording label.
So stay tuned, America. You can build your fences along the border, but you will never keep out the music (or the drug smuggling capabilities) of Menudo.
Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM
June 6, 2006
Would you be my pen-pal?
As I was wondering how I would celebrate "Seis de Satanás" (6/6/06), I decided to find a new pen-pal (although today everything is done via text messaging or emails).
Yesterday I was reading this, which featured photos of the rock band Lordi. So I thought, "who better to email a letter to on a day such as today than one of these fine gentlemen?"
I decided to email "Kita", the drummer, as drummers are typically the lowest on the rock group food chain (except maybe for keyboardists) and might possibly feel a bit lonely on the evilest of days.
Here is what I sent:
From: Phil
To: kita@lordi.org Date: Jun 5, 2006 2:48 PM Subject: Greetings Kita!Hello, Kita!
I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I have just recently discovered your band - I assumed most people email Lordi himself, and that the rest of the band-mates do not get as much attention, so I am emailing you!
How are you?
You seem to have an interesting band. I, too, have a "band", if you will, but we do not play instruments. We mainly drink bourbon and do drugs (comet dust and cocaine the drug of choice).
I noticed you are from Finland? I have direct ancestors from Norway - I don't know if the Fins hate the Norwegians or the other way around, but as I see it, we are all Scandanavian brothers, yes?
I also wanted to ask you about playing the drums. Does the armor get in the way? How about the torn-open decaying flesh? It would seem difficult with the work it takes to play drums with the nerve endings being exposed like that - or, perhaps they are dead?
Anyway, I look forward to learning more about Lordi (the band - I still think you're the best).
Best wishes,
Phil
I will let you know if I should receive correspondence back from Kita.
Posted by Phil at 9:45 AM
June 5, 2006
Women involved in car accidents to rise significantly
We recently developed a billboard advertisement as well. This is sure to catch the ladies' eye.
The photo used is from the original proofs we own from our old Playgirl spread.
Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM
June 2, 2006
Missing you
Posted by Phil at 9:20 AM