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March 30, 2007
Road trip (on my Gulfstream)
I am going out of town for a week and as you can see, I have a lot of packing to do.
I presume my Nigerian Barrister will have our deal all wrapped up by the time I return.
In the mean time, feel free to click on things and leave comments, but otherwise leave my stuff alone while I'm gone.
Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM
March 28, 2007
Reconciled with my Good Friend
edited 3-30-07
I was feeling a little bad about the way I left things with my good friend Barrister David Lauire. I truly did want to make this work. So, I sent him another email.
But before I get to that, if you'd like to catch up, please read:
Yesterday, I sent the following:
From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: Mar 27, 2007
OK - I was a bit nervous before to be quite honest.
I do want to make this transaction, I am just not sure who I am dealing with even though you did send me a photo of your reputable family.
I would like to communicate with you directly.
Phil
The good Barrister then replied...
From: David Lauire
To: Phil Braun
Subject: PLEASE READ YOUR BIBLE (AMOS 3:3) AND GET BACK
Date: Mar 28, 2007
DEAR FRIEND,
I ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT IS WELL NOTED.
FIRSTLY I WILL LIKE YOU TO SEE ATTACHED FILES BELOW SO THAT YOU CAN KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH.
SECONDLY THE BANK HAVE GIVEN US FOUR DAYS TO PRESENT THOSE PAPER TO PROOF OUR CLAIM YOU BEEN THE RIGHTFUL NEXT OF KIN TO MY LATE CLIENT.
SIR, ASKED YOU ONCE AGAIN CAN YOU ASSIST WITH US$450 BECAUSE I CAN BE ABLE TO COMPLETE ALL THE BALANCE IF YOU CAN ASSIST BY SENDING THE US$450 SO THAT I CAN PROCEED TO THE FEDERAL HIGH OF JUSTICE HERE IN NIGERIA TO SECURE AND SWEAR AN AFFIDAVIT ON YOUR BEHALF WITH YOUR NAME THAT SHOW TO THE BANK THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL BENEFACTOR OF MY LATE CLIENT.
HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU WITH DETAILS INFORMATIONS AND A NUMBER I CAN REACH EASILY.
I TRY TO CALL THE NUMBER YOU GAVE TO ME BUT TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE IT ALWAY WENT INTO ANSWERING MACHINE, PLEASE IF YOU WANT TO GET A DIRECT COMMUNICATION WITH ME PLEASE FOR GOD SAKE SEND TO ME A GOOD NUMBER I CAN USE TO REACH YOU OR CALL ME ON MY OFFICE NUMBER BELOW.
+2348051406702
THANKS,
BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE
And look! He attached his "Bar Certificate":
The Citizens Bank has also sent me a friendly "reminder":
Attention: Mr. Phil Braun,
The Above bank is sending you are reminding mail about the transfer of your fund.
Do get back to us with the requested documents so that our Transfer Unit can effect a Swift transfer of your fund before we go for vacation.
Your urgent attention is needed before 3rd, April, 2007.
Best Regards,
Mrs. Grace Chris
Executive Director Citizens International Bank
From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: Mar 28, 2007
Dear Friend Barrister,
I am very impressed with your knowledge of the Bible.
You have brought up a point, however, that I must add before we proceed, and that is I do not do business with uncircumcised men (considered "unclean" in my culture). (I Samuel 18:25-27)
Please let me know your status before we proceed.
All My Best,
Phil
Just Added: Ever wonder what a Death Certificate looks like from one of these guys? Here is one that Bon received while communicating with a gentleman named "Eddy Smithint" - I think the "comic sans" font where it reads "Certificate of Death" lets you know it is authentic.
Posted by Phil at 3:15 PM
March 27, 2007
Quite possibly the final correspondence with Barrister Lauire (but no promises)
Updated below: 3/27/07 11:11 am:
I am breaking down my correspondence, somewhat, to help you keep up.
You can read Part I and Part II here to catch up.
When we last left off from the final correspondence update yesterday, Mr. Lauire was skeptical that it was in his best interests to contact Mr. Larry Holmes.
Today, I received this message from Barrister Lauire regarding my late "Uncle's" wealth.
FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: HURRY UP TIME IS AGAINST US/YOUR PHONE NUMBER
DATE: Mar 27, 2007
Dear friend,
how are you doing?
Well, I do not understand your mail and please do not bit around the bush ok.
I am a man of repute in my country and if you know you are not ready to execute this transaction with please kindly tell me so that I can look for someone to work this out within the next 7bankings as discuss with the Bank board of director this morning.
I told you i need all necessary info about you include your cell number but uptil now no response from you in respect to that.
Note this transaction is a very vital and important transaction and mutual co-operation must be put to enable us acheive this golden field of gold God have showed to us.
I want to know if you are ready to assist with the fees to secure the paper and tell me how much you can afford so that i can know my stands in this tranaction.
remember we have just 6days to get back to the bank and if you know you cannot do anything to speedup this transaction it is better you let it known to me to speed my search for another person.
I awaiting your phone number and how much to can support to get this papers today.
My regards to your family
Thanks,
Barrister David
From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 27, 2007
Dear Barrister Lauire,
I am doing well, thanks. How are you?
I thought my email was rather clear. I do not beat around the bush. In fact, I was recently sued over having an unkempt bush, so this is a matter I do not take lightly.
I have been wanting to give you my phone number, but was embarrassed to say I did not own a phone and could be reached through my good friend Larry Holmes.
The golden field of gold you mention is well within our grasp.
Please go here: http://www.hollywoodiscalling.com/order.php
The phone call is only $29.95 to you. At that point Mr. Holmes will give you all of my information. Please note, he has only 30 seconds to speak to you (no exceptions!). If you need another 30 seconds, an additional $29.95 will be required. (He is also available for birthdays, anniversary calls, etc. for only $19.95)
From that point, I am prepared for you to afford whatever is necessary to get the golden gold.
My family asks me to tell you They Love You.
Phil
FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: HOW MUCH CAN YOU AFFORD TO ASSIST
DATE: Mar 27, 2007
Attention: Mr. Man,
I can see and read your mail. listen am not here to crack joke or play because i have to use my precious time to make this work out.
I asked you for the last time how much can you afford or you drop out from this transaction.
again this transaction is not for childs play or do i look like a kid to you? People like you lose the best of luck in life.
if you know you cannot do this or get a phone number which i will use to communicate with you then you better f*ck off from this important transaction.
Best wishes.
Barrister David
From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 27, 2007 11:11 am
I am no Child, Mr. Lauire!!!!! I am a full grown man with a mustache and many turtlenecks!!!
And I will NOT f--- off from this transaction! NO! I am very lucky and will rightfully claim my inheritance!!
You have gravely misunderstood me, Barrister. I am going to obtain your "precious" phone number and we will settle this right away.
In fact, you are the one who keeps dancing around the question "how much can you afford to assist?" You tell me how much you can afford to assist!?
Thank you, and God bless your family,
Phil
FWD: TO DAVID LAUIRE
From: Phil Braun, 12:36 pm
You may reach me at 800-628-4267
Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM
March 25, 2007
Even more further email correspondence (with my good friend Barrister Lauire)
(Updated 3/26/07 4:05 p.m.)
To catch you up on where we left off, I was contacted by Barrister David Lauire (lawyer of great repute and many years experience) regarding a "possible" relative of mine who died horrifically and left $300,000 behind.
Confirming that he was my Uncle Muhammad from Canada, Barrister Lauire and I have been communicating as to how best to transfer the funds to me. My last correspondence was to inform Mr. Lauire I was contacting the bank to get my money!
You can read the full email exchange up to this point by going here.
As I said I would, I contacted the Bank:
From: Phil Braun
To: Citzens International Bank (they have a "yahoo!" address)
Date: Mar 22 2007
Subject: MY BOUNTIFUL RICHES
Dear Bank:
I was instructed by my lawyer, Barrister David Lauire, who has many years experience and is of great repute, to contact you regarding my late Uncle Muhammad (of Canada) and the money he has bequeathed to me.
Please instruct me on what steps I need to take to receive my money. There is a solid gold toilet I have on order and wish to purchase.
Sincerely,
Phil Braun
Yesterday, I received three emails from the Bank! Huzzah! But wait! The bank is asking for "official documents"! "Oh, no", you say! Fortunately, I also received an email from Barrister Lauire, exactly the same time as I received the email(s) from the Bank asking me to update him. Thank Allah! Perhaps he will be able to assist me (see below).
(this email was from the "Citizens International Bank" - I received three of these, with the same message....so it must be important)
FROM: CITIZENS INTERNATIONAL BANK (and what do you know, they are in Nigeria!)
SUBJECT: PROOF OF OWNERSHIP
Date: Mar 24 2007
RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION
Attn: Beneficairy,
With regards to your Application send to us by via e-mail, in respect of your claim as the next of kin of one of our late foreign customer Mr. Tuhair Muhammed who has to be your Brother / Relative.
The Bank authority has checked their files and came in conclusion that your late relative deposited the said amount in our Bank.
We hereby urge you to present the following vital paper to proof your claims as a next of Kin of Late Mr. Tuhair Muhammed
The papers as follows:
1, Death Certificate of Late Mr. Tuhair Muhammed
2, Affidavit of Claim as the Beneficiary of the said amount.
3, Letter of Administrator
4, Certificate of will that show you are the rightful Next of Kin
5, Your private phone and Fax number.
6, A copy of your driver's License or international passport.
With these following Documents provided we can go ahead issuing the Change of Ownership Certificate to you been the rightful owner of the Fund.
Note we can transfer the fund in two ways.
1, By swift transfer your bank account.
2, Delivery to you through diplomatic courier service.
Thanks for your understanding,
Mrs. Grace Chris.
Executive Director
FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: UPDATE ME
DATE: MAR 24 2007
UPDATE ME ON ANYTHING YOU AND THE BANK CONCLUDE.
BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE
(I then hastily sent the following reply):
From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 24, 2007
Thank you for writing. I have received the following from the Bank: (I copied the bank email here)
First, they are under the impression that Tuhair Muhammad is my Brother? We both know damn good and well he is my Uncle!!! Unless it's better for him to be my brother. I have no problem with this.
Secondly, as you see they are asking for the Death Certifiicate, a certificate of will showing that I am, in fact, his next of kin. Obviously we will have to forge these documents. It is the only way Barrister Lauire. We want to "forge" ahead with this transaction, don't we? LOL!!
I assume you will handle these items accordingly. Uncle/Brother Muhammad would have wanted it that way.
Phil
FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: URGENT ATTENTION NEEDED BROTHER
DATE: Mar 26, 2007
Dear Client Phil,
Please your phone number so that I can call you and explain to you but on phone.
Thanks,
Barrister David Lauire (SAN)
(Phil's note: Funnily, Mr. Lauire sent me three other emails to a "client Luisa"...surely someone else is not claiming to be the relative of my Uncle Muhammad?? He was informing them that he was "short" $650 to file their paperwork. Oh, well - not my concern)
From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 26, 2007
I am but afraid of something I did not tell you. I do not "personally" own a telephone.
I have many sensitive business dealings that preclude me from conversing directly over the phone. Typically, I communicate through my third party, Former Heavyweight Champion of the World Larry Holmes.
If you wish to communicate to Mr. Holmes, I may be able to direct you thusly.
Thank You, Brother
Phil
FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
DATE: Mar 26, 2007
Dear friend,
In respect of your mail to me, I will like to communicate with you so that I know am not dealing with a ghost.
For the prepare of the papers how much can you afford to assist now because time is not in ourside.
Please try to get back to me if you are ready to do this with me or I look for someone.
I will wait for your reply before I decide what to do and how to get this transaction done fast.
Thanks,
Barrister David
From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 26, 2007
I am chuckling at your reply, because Larry Holmes is no "ghost". He is one of the greatest boxers in American History. He is a personal friend of mine and you may give him the instructions, and I will provide him all of my personal information to give to you. I will give you the details to telephone him at your request.
As for the papers, I am willing for you to afford whatever is necessary to expedite the proceedings.
Thanks in Advance,
Phil
Posted by Phil at 9:25 AM
March 21, 2007
Playaz to travel with corpse of Don Knotts to garner free First Class seats
The Playaz' have discovered a way to attain free First Class air travel when their own jet is in repair or is in use by Kenny Rogers or Larry Holmes.
After reading this story, when forced to fly commercially, the Playaz will now travel with the corpse of Don Knotts as a way to upgrade their seating assignment without paying for the first class fare.
Once the unwitting steward or stewardess discovers the decaying corpse of Knotts, the Playaz will begin weeping and wailing until the staff offers the Playaz first class seating for "privacy".
Knotts has been dead for over a year, and will take some serious embalming to maitain the body in it's present state for future air travel plans.
Posted by Phil at 7:55 AM
March 19, 2007
Further email correspondence with internet friends
Update! 3/20/07 (add'l correspondence at the bottom of this post)
Fate has once again smiled upon me, and yet another diligent soul has discovered me so that I may inherit riches I so richly deserve.
Let's begin:
From: david lauire (davidlauire1@hotmail.com)
Subject: THANK GOD I HAVE FOUND YOU
Date: Wed, February 28, 2007:
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE a personal Advicer to the deceased (Engr Tahir Muhammad) of Canada who died sometime ago.
I am compelled to write you this email for the following reason:-The above named person, who is now deceased, in His Will, left for someone who bears your name his entire Estate and Cash Deposit valued 300,000.00 Pounds.
The truth is that, l do not know if you are the beneficiary or not. For two years now, l have tried effortlessly to locate the name on the will without success hence l have contacted you,Can you please get back to me urgently if you think you are the one or you desire further explanation,get back to me immediately.
If you are the one get back to so that I will tell you what to you and how you can get the money transfer below is the account of Tahir Muhammad.
You are requested to send to me this vital and usefull information below.
Your Contact Address
Your Phone Number #
Your internationat drivers licienc
Your Occupation
Your Age
Your Sex
Website: nwbinteruk.com/uk/
ACCOUNT NUMBERS: 9087893425617
PIN NUMBERS: 20123
I WANT YOU TO CLICK THE LINK BELOW AND GET BACK TO ME URGENTLY.
I look foward to hear from you.
God Bless Us All
BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE
March 2, 2007, Phil Braun wrote:
I thank God you have found me, too, David.
Yes! I am he of which you have so effortlessly seeked!
Thankfully, I checked this old email address, or else I would never have been able to receive this bounty from Uncle Muhammad of Canada!
Please respond to phil at playazball dot com for ensuing correspondence!
Yes, God Bless Us All,
Phil Braun
phil at playazball dot com
(Thursday, March 8th, Mr. Lauire responds)
My Dear Friend,
Many thanks to you for your urgent response to my mail.
I thank God have found the relative of my late clients.
For the progress and proceeding of your relative fund and estate to be
transfer to you, as I am going to use my law firm to file an application of claim with your name as the beneficiary of the fund.
Secondly I want you to know that there are legal procedures to follow in a situation of this nature, hence we shall strictly abide by the rules and regulation of the processing of this fund transfer so that by the end of it all there won't be any problem to either you or I.
By the way, I am a lawyer of repute with many years of experience so be sure that I know what to do and how to go about this remitance of your late relative fund to you.
I Implore you to keep this in a secret and confidential manner to yourself only. Secondly. We shall be applying legally to the federal high court registry here through a deposed Affidavit.
Remember you will be the one to tell the bank where they will transfer the fund to.
REQUIREMENTS
1. Your full name and Your full address
2. Your private phone and fax numbers
3. Your international passport or driver's license
4. Occupation
5. Age
So that I will go to the Federal High Court to Swear an Affidavit of claim in your favor as the rihgtful next of kin to my late Client Engr Tahir Muhammad which you will send to me as an attachment through email, I will be able to forward every necessary documents to the legal department of the Bank to put claims for the transfer of the said fund into your nominated bank account.
Note with your full co-operation and effort the fund can be transfer in (7)banking days.
There is no risk or Government involvement in this.
I promised to be sending you every necessary document concerning this fund for your perusal as a proof and for your own record and only what I need from you is your maximum co operation, seriousness and your full support so that we can conclude this with out any delays.
Below is the attachment of my late client picture and his estates and my family picture.
Thanks for your cooperation while I wait for your urgent response.
write for more details as regards to this important subject.
Please do feel free to write any time until then good luck.
Yours truly,
Barrister David Lauire (SAN)
Tel:234-806213612
Mr. Lauire also attached photos to the email:
Poor, dead Uncle Muhammad...yep, that's him!
This was labled "family picture"...I guess of the Honorable David Lauire's family, letting me know he is definitely on the up and up
This was titled "real estate" - I assume of my "late" Uncle. Sweet!
Below is my most recent correspondence back to Mr. Lauire:
From Phil Braun, March 19, 2007
No question, that is him, my late Uncle Muhammad.
As you requested, I will keep this confidential. I do have a website - is it OK if I inform others of this glorious news? I will urge them extreme discretion and secrecy in the matter.
Should I give you the information or the bank?
My full name is Philemon P. Braun, and I am a Gentleman of Leisure.
Thank You Barrister Lauire!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Uncle Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!
From: David Lauire
Subject: GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU; SEND YOUR DETAILS TO THE BANKTODAY
Philemon P. Braun,
Thanks for your recent mail to me .
Please do make sure that you send your informations details to the bank because it is the bank that will have to asign their personal lawyer who they can confide on in matters of this nature., and i will also like to have your valid phone number for voice contact .
i await to read from you soonest.
thanks
Barrister David Lauire
from Phil Braun
I, too, am delighted you have heard back from me.
I will contact the bank forthwith with my personal information. I am also 6'4", weigh approximately 215 lbs, and wear a 46 long sport jacket. I don't know how this might come into play, but I thought you might need it.
At some point, we will have to get together so that I might lavish gifts upon you with the $300,000 I will be receiving. We also have copious amounts of comet dust, if you know what I mean.
What exactly happened to Uncle Muhammad? He looks shot up pretty good? Knowing "Uncie Mo", he probably was attempting to execute the Playaz Business Model and did not execute it properly. This happens sometimes.
At any rate, I am off to email the bank.
Good day to you, Barrister Lauire!
Phil
Posted by Phil at 3:34 PM
March 17, 2007
Miniature cobbler found dead; local authorities mystified
A tiny little cobbler was found dead in his cobbler's workshop today, with few leads for police officials to go by.
The diminutive cobbler was apparently performing his usual tasks of repairing shoes interspersed with the occasional bout of mischief, when he was apparently interrogated, tortured, and murdered by an unknown assailant.
The authorities also stated that multiple holes were found dug in the cobbler's ragwort field in the rear of his shop.
A pair of alligator Giorgio Brutini Private Collection shoes were discovered in the shop, possibly belonging to the intruder.
Posted by Phil at 3:44 PM
March 13, 2007
Bon sets up meth-lab in the Stardust Hotel
Posted by Phil at 4:43 PM
March 12, 2007
How was your weekend?
Another typical weekend for the Playaz...
The next several days could see posts few and far between as I am currently busy with another project. So please bear with me if I don't update as frequently as you are accustomed.
Tac has entered a fitness competition, and it is possible I'll update you on that.
Otherwise, please feel free to peruse the Archives, and re-live some of your favorite Playa moments.
Posted by Phil at 10:08 AM
March 6, 2007
Playaz discover skeletons of Dracula, Wolfman
With recent "discoveries" of Blackbeard's cannon and Jesus's tomb, the Playaz (not wanting to be outdone) have announced that they have discovered the skeletons of both Dracula and The Wolfman.
Guv'na points to the location Dracula and the Wolfman's bones were discovered
The Playaz discovered the bones of the two infamous monsters together, on top of Mount Transylvania. While reporters questioned the existence of a "Mount Transylvania", the Playaz quickly changed the subject by pointing out how oddly the remains were positioned and insinuated that the pair may have been fighting each other when they died, or were gay.
Skeletons, identified by the Playaz to be that of Dracula & Wolfman, found together in a stunning archaeolgical discovery
The amazing discovery certainly trumps the dubious finds of the tomb of Jesus and Blackbeard's cannon, making this discovery the most heralded of all time.
The Playaz will not donate the skeletons to a museum for research, but instead will place them on display in their mansion, along side the bones of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, which the Playaz purchased several years ago.
Posted by Phil at 7:17 PM
March 4, 2007
Ask Dr. Tac: What is Chuck Liddell on?
Time for another segment of "Ask Dr. Tac"....
What is UFC Fighter Chuck Liddell on, Dr. Tac?
Methadone? 7 Vicodin pills at a time? Comet Dust?
Tac: Wrong on all counts. Chuck is on Nyquil.
Posted by Phil at 1:48 PM
March 2, 2007
An inconvenient accident
At a recent press conference following the video release to announce Playaz Ball 2007, a frenzied crowd decapitated Al Gore in their unbridled excitement at the news, and tossed his head around not unlike a beach ball at a festival.
The August 2nd date was revealed by the Playaz as this year's start to Playaz Ball.
Reportedly, no one even knew Gore was in attendance at the press conference, though it is widely known he has kept his eye on the Playaz and has publicly stated they are responsible for approximately 67% of the world's greenhouse emissions.
However, the thousands of eager fans became so volatile in anticipation of the announcement, Gore inadvertently got caught up in the delirium, and in the near-violent commotion his head was removed from his body.
Coincidentally, the Playaz specifically chose the hottest time of year for this year's Playaz Ball, expecting temperatures to reach approximately 125 degrees fahrenheit.
"We also have plans to eliminate 'winter' altogether. We hate it," Wayne added.
Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM
March 1, 2007
Important Announcement
I tell it to you.
Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM