July 18, 2007
Sunday, bloody Sunday
Note: Those with weak stomachs or weak hearts need not view this posting. Please visit here until we return to our regularly scheduled postings.
"Great news Phil! The evil one has been put out of his misery. He not only ate my trees, but appeared rabid and so very evil when cornered. He was snatched just as planned. There was enough length in the cable trap he was in that he was able to chew and tear up any wood object in his vicinity. This made Bon very angry. Particularly after three vodka and wholemilks. I was about to go to church, but before leaving I knew I had a job to do. I had to eliminate this evil spirit. I removed my best pistol grip shotgun from its gold carrying case. I polished the brass on the bottom of the shotgun shells I would be using for this exorcism. At this point I maneuvered stealthily down the woodline until happening upon this possessed creature. The evil spirits operating from within had him foaming at the mouth, shouting me down, and taunting me. I moved in at this point. I knew from experience the only way to make it through an ambush like this is to charge the enemy position. This is in fact what I did. I engaged him with the shotgun at close range and eliminated him with one shot."
Posted by Phil at 8:57 AM | Comments (11)
July 15, 2007
Best laid plans of beavers and Bon
Missive from Bon received Friday evening:
"You can imagine how I recoiled in horror as I woke the next morning to find the crafty beaver had once again escaped my clutches. I knew he was entering my property up a small 8 foot wide dirt boat ramp. I now knew that I must block off portions of the boat ramp and "funnel" the evil genius into my trap. I laid concrete blocks, and wire cages on the outer edges of said ramp. This only leaves the evil doer with one option if he wishes to dine on more of my fruit trees. That option is to walk through my cable snare trap. The more he pulls, the more he becomes entangled. On the other side of the trap I have strategically placed a fruit tree he already took down in order to lure him in. I hope to snatch some beaver tonight."
Posted by Phil at 8:55 PM | Comments (7)
July 12, 2007
Bon issues fatwa against beavers in neighborhood pond
Bon has issued a fatwa ruling against all beavers residing in his pond, instructing the Playaz that it is their duty to wage jihad against the beaver.
"They have now eaten one peach tree and one pear tree, and are currently working on a apple tree. I have laid the trap tonight. I will stalk him tomorrow night with a spotlight."
Posted by Phil at 10:04 AM | Comments (14)
June 4, 2007
Man eats small dog to protest Royal Family; Bon eats larger dog as counter-protest
In a recent news story, a British man ate a dog in the London streets as a way to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.
The protestor, Mark McGowan, set up a table streetside in downtown London and ate a Corgi, a small dog that is a favorite breed of Queen Elizabeth in response to a story that Prince Phillip, the queen's husband, had reportedly beaten a fox to death during a hunt.
Upon hearing the protest, Bon immediately offered his support of the royal family by eating a much larger dog, a German Shepherd.
Bon lauded the Prince's hunting tactics and vowed to top whatever animal McGowan would eat in the future should further protests arise.
Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (5)
May 18, 2007
Playaz host dog fight for charity for Michael Vick
The Playaz hosted a very special charity event featuring fights to the death between dogs and other various animals to help raise money for Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick's legal defense.
"Michael Vick has been in a lot of hot water lately, so the Playaz got together to help figure out a way to assist him with all these legal battles he's been facing. We decided to put on one of his favorite activities to raise money. Dog fighting," said Bon.
The charity festival did not only feature dog-on-dog fighting, but also many varieties of animals pitted against one another in a blood sport that few have ever witnessed.
"Yes, we tried to be creative - we even pitted two housecats against a koala bear. Man those guys went at it. You wouldn't think they'd be natural enemies, but those two species really do dislike each other," Bon added.
Vick said he was thankful for the Playaz help and had a great time. He added that the dog fights were a nice "break from reality", where he could relax and forget about all his troubles.
Phil added, "we have money riding on the Falcons this year. We couldn't let our starting quarterback go to jail. Who are we going to rely on? Joey Harrington? I don't think so."
Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (46)
May 4, 2007
The Earth; In good hands
Always working to enhance the human experience here on Earth (hint: The Earth belongs to us! Do whatever you want!)
Also, on May 15th, the Playaz are letting everyone know that it is designated to be a National "Gas Up!" Day. Fill up your vehicles until gas spills out the top! Fill your lawn mowers, leaf blowers, chain saws, and run them on that day! Fill empty containers and allow the gas to evaporate out of them, just to show the terrorists who's boss!
Category:
Bon vs. Nature
Posted by Phil at 10:35 AM | Comments (7)
October 3, 2006
China applauds Bon's "Animal Olympics" before feasting on animals
Chinese dignitaries and audience members were treated to a special show of animal athleticism by Bon and the Playaz, featuring weight-lifting chimpanzees, bear gymnastics, and zebra fighting.
Chinese officials in attendance applauded Bon's extravaganza before joining the Playaz at a special invitation dinner where they feasted on the very animals who performed the amazing feats earlier in the day.
The event was nearly marred when Bon got into an altercation with a kangaroo - which was thought to be a boxing exhibition by the patrons in attendance - but was actually a disagreement over the kangaroo's refusal to participate in the long jump competition, which ultimately led to blows between Bon and the kangaroo.
Bon stated that he also wanted to show to the world that he only serves the fittest animals at his restaurants, and not necessarily the fattest or slowest as may have been insinuated by the Elizabeth Taylor article below.
There were several protesters outside the event, outraged by what they called "cruelty to animals". Chinese citizens who were in attendance called the protests "ironic".
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (71)
September 28, 2006
Bon feeds Elizabeth Taylor to sharks
Bon recently fed washed up Hollywood movie star Elizabeth Taylor to the sharks.
Conceptual photograph of a shark consuming Ms. Taylor
In what was thought to be something of a sight-seeing tour for Taylor, the "National Velvet" star got an "up-close-and-personal" view of a great white as she was lowered carefully into the water, then left unprotected amongst a swirl of chum, and summarily devoured by a Great White Shark.
Bon stated that he was running low on shark fin soup at his "Kenny & Bon's" restaurant, and decided that a portly Taylor would fit the bill as the perfect bait. The suddenly sluggish, bloated shark was then very easy to catch, Bon added.
Posted by Phil at 1:21 PM | Comments (5)
August 10, 2006
Authorities remain unsure of what exactly caused tragic crash killing 4 penguins
Texas authorities still weren't clear on what exactly caused a 'freak' truck accident that killed four penguins and several exotic fish.
The tractor trailer hauling the wildlife to an Indianapolis zoo overturned somewhere south of Houston. Texas state troopers stated they had never seen carnage on their highways quite like this.
Photo of the wreckage where several marine mammals and fish perished on a Texas highway
Digitally enhanced photo reveals a mysterious figure in the brush
Posted by Phil at 8:27 PM | Comments (24)
June 26, 2006
Bon slays Charles Darwin's tortoise
With help from the Guv'na, Bon slayed the last living link to evolution theorist Charles Darwin, killing his 176 year old tortoise.
Bon, a staunch creationist, has long despised the tortoise for it's connection to Darwin, and has taken many painstaking years to ultimately capture and kill the well-protected and cared-for animal.
Instead of killing the tortoise instantly, Guv'na held the tortoise at knifepoint, while Bon stripped the shell off the 330 lb. reptile, exposing it to infection and disease. Then Bon shouted Bible verses at the tortoise, giving it cause to succumb to a heart-attack from the stress of knowing it would soon burn in Hades for "siding" with Darwin.
"And God said, Let us make the Playaz in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and the Playaz shalt kill every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth." - Genesis 1
Posted by Phil at 11:49 AM | Comments (12)
June 15, 2006
Playaz remove protestor Darryl Hannah from tree
The Playaz successfully removed celebrity protestor Darryl Hannah from a Los Angeles area walnut tree that Hannah had crawled into to protest it's destruction at the hands of local developers.
The star of the 1984 movie Splash is a known enviromental activist. Hannah had managed to defend the tree for over 23 days before the Playaz were called in by Los Angeles authorities.
The Playaz made quick work of Hannah and other protestors lodged in the tree when they weilded a flame thrower that set ablaze the tree and 14 acres of forest surrounding them.
Prior to the Playaz arrival, the protest had quickly became a celebrity-studded campaign, with the likes of Joan Baez, the folk singer, Willie Nelson, the country singer, and actors Leonardo Di Caprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen all visiting the site. It is believed all died in the blaze, thanks to the Playaz.
"We cannot thank the Playaz enough for their selfless acts in ensuring this development will go on without the interference of annoying celebrities like Darryl Hannah," the mayor of Los Angeles was quoted as saying.
Posted by Phil at 12:00 PM | Comments (18)
May 19, 2006
Bear eats monkey at zoo, Bon eats bear
AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - A bear killed and devoured a monkey at a Dutch zoo before horrified onlookers, who then became even more horrified to see Bon eating the bear.
The bear chased the monkey, a macaque, onto a wooden structure where it mauled the monkey to death. Shortly thereafter as the bear began to consume the macaque, Bon suddenly appeared and began to consume the bear.
"The habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another. And even more remote does a man leap out from seemingly nowhere and begin to eat an animal who is eating another animal," a statement read that was released by park officials. "But, after all, they are wild animals. And, of course...'Bon'.." the statement added, alluding to the fact that the zoo knew Bon, and that this type of incident may have happened before.
The park said it plans to move the monkeys to another part of the park, away from the black sloth bear, and to ban Bon from visiting the park altogether.
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (16)
April 28, 2006
Bon prepares delicious 'Black Bear' feast in celebration of Playaz Ball anniversary
Bon captured a black bear in Woodstock, Georgia with his custom-made trap and nothing more than a can of sardines, to be slaughtered and served in a celebration feast to honor "playazball.com"'s one year anniversary.
Bon went all out to please guests with samplings of some of the rarest animals on earth. So rare, in fact, that those animals are now extinct thanks to the party we had.
Some of the delectables at this blowout bash included:
Antillean cave rat
Arabian gazelle
Aurochs
Barbados raccoon
Barbados rice-rat
Barbuda rice-rat
Barbuda rice-rat
Basalt plains mouse
Bavarian pine vole
Big-eared hopping mouse
Black-footed ferret
Bluebuck
Blunt-toothed mouse
Brazilian three-banded armadillo
Broad-faced potoroo
Buhler's rat
Bulldog rat
Canary mouse
Cayman Brac hutia
Cayman Brac nesophont
Cayman hutia
Central hare-wallaby
Central rock rat
Columbian hutia
Corozal rat
Corsican shrew
Crescent nailtail
Cuban spider monkey
Curaçao giant rice rat
Curaçao sloth
Curio's giant rat
Dark flying fox
Darling Downs hopping mouse
Darwin's Galapagos mouse
Desert bandicoot
Desert rat-kangaroo
Dusky flying fox
Eastern hare-wallaby
Emperor rat
Falkland Islands dog
Fernandina Galapagos mouse
Field's mouse
Flat-headed myotis
Flores cave rat
Flores long-nosed rat
Florida naked-tailed rat
Giant deer mouse
Goliath white-toothed shrew
Grand Cayman hutia
Atlantic gray whale
Great hopping mouse
Great key mouse
Grooved-toothed forest mouse
Guadalcanal rat
Guam flying fox
Gulf of California woodrat
Gull Island vole
Hairy-eared dwarf lemur
Haitian edible rat
Hensel's field mouse
Ilin bushy-tailed cloud rat
Imposter hutia
Indefatigable Galapagos mouse
Insular cave rat
Jamaica rice-rat
Jamaican monkey
Jamaican pallid flower bat
Large Corsican field vole
Large funnel-eared bat
Large ghost faced bat
Large Palau flying fox
Large sloth lemur
Large-eared tenrec
Lava mouse
Lemke's hutia
Lesser bilby
Lesser Cuban nesophont
Lesser stick-nest rat
Lesser yellow bat
Long-tailed hopping mouse
long-nosed potoroo
Lord Howe Island bat
Maclear's rat
Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus; common Malagasy hippo
Malagasy dwarf hippopotamus
Marcano's solenodon
Marianas flying fox
Martinique giant rice-rat
Miller's myotis
Montane hutia
Mummy shrew
Negros naked-backed fruit bat
Nelson's rice-rat
Nendo tube-nosed fruit bat
New Guinea big-eared bat
New Zealand greater short-tailed bat
Old fig-eating bat
Omilteme cottontail
Oriente cave rat
Osborn's key mouse
Pemberton's deer mouse
Philippine fruit bat
Pigfooted bandicoot
Poey's pallid flower bat
Pristine mustached bat
Przewalski's horse
Puerto Rican flower bat
Puerto Rican hutia
Puerto Rican plate-toothed mouse
Puerto Rican sloth
Queen of Sheba's gazelle
Rabida Galapagos mouse
Red fruit bat
Red gazelle
Red hairy-tailed bat
Santiago Galapagos Mouse
Sardinian pika
Saudi gazelle
Schomburgk's deer
Sea mink
Short-horned water buffalo
Short-tailed hopping mouse
Small key mouse
Southeastern pocket gopher
St. Lucia giant rice-rat
St. Vincent pygmy rice-rat
Standing's hippo
Steller's sea cow
Sturdee's Bonin pipistrelle
Swan Island hutia
Tanzania woolly bat
Tasmanian bettong
Thylacine; Tasmanian wolf
Toolache wallaby
Torre's cave rat
Tretretretre
Verhoeven's giant tree rat
Vespucci's rat
Victorious nesophont
Vietnam warty pig
West Indian monk seal
West Indian porcupine
Western Cuban nesophont
Western palm squirrel
and
White-footed rabbit-rat
Mmm, mm!! Thanks, Bon!
2:55 pm Update: Bon back at work
Posted by Phil at 10:05 AM | Comments (123)
April 14, 2006
Bon captures egg-hiding rabbit in backyard
Bon captured an incredibly large rabbit today that he found sniffing around his backyard.
Bon said aside from the unusual size of the rabbit, he mentioned a most peculiar basket found nearby filled with colorful eggs. Bon believed it belonged to the rabbit somehow, but couldn't understand what a rabbit would be doing with it in the first place.
Bon plans to boil the rabbit along with the newfound eggs and serve it for Easter dinner.
Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM | Comments (16)
January 22, 2006
Bottle-nosed whale stranded in London successfully put to death by Bon
The bottle-nosed whale that became stranded in the Thames River in London was successfully put to death by Bon earlier today.
After several attempts by concerned citizens, biologists and vets to save the whale, Bon met with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and convinced Blair to allow him to handle the situation.
Blair gives Bon the go ahead to "do what you must do" regarding the whale situation
Bon's strategy was a two-pronged attack. The first step was to confront and taunt the whale, hurling slander and put-downs to shame the whale, which would in turn make him put up less of a fight.
Then Bon merely struck a blow to the whale and he died.
Bon said that it was not a senseless killing, but one that saved the people of England substantial amounts of money that would surely have been wasted from the man-hours, veterinary bills, and resources necessary to try and save the beast. Bon added that the bottle-nosed whale would be served at "Kenny & Bon's Roasters" all across London as the "Thames Fish 'n Chips Special".
Info-graphic
Blair thanked Bon for his diligent efforts in putting an end to this nuisance and allowing London to "get back to work and forget about that bloody whale."
Posted by Phil at 1:10 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack
October 19, 2005
Bon volunteers in aiding fight against bird flu; kills all birds
Following recent orders by government authorities to begin culling birds in Asia and in parts of Europe to battle the potential outbreak of the bird flu, Bon volunteered his services to begin culling birds that Bon suspects may be carrying the deadly virus in America.
Bon made swift work of the birds in within his neighborhood, creating a deadly environment for the local blue jays, cardinals, robins, and geese that frequent the area, killing off birds one by one via poisoning, mallet, or shotgun blast. "The safest way to protect ourselves from an outbreak of bird flu in epidemic proportions is to simply kill every last bird," Bon said.
Next, Bon headed over to the local children's Petting Zoo. "These birds don't look safe to me," Bon was overheard as saying upon arrival. He then wiped out an entire cage of parakeets with some form of pesticide spray pumped into the cage via a pressure-wash sprayer.
Bon then made his way over to the Duck Pond, where children visiting the zoo looked on. Bon addressed the children by saying, "Who here has heard the story of the Ugly Duckling?" Several children eagerly raised their hands to answer. "I have! I have!", they shouted. One boy answered, "didn't he grow up to be a beautiful swan?" "No," Bon replied. "He was diagnosed as having the bird flu, and was put to death." Bon then whacked a goose on the head with a mallet, in front of the stunned children.
A local zoo-keeper approached Bon and questioned his tactics, raising the point that the bird flu seems to be primarily contained in Turkey and Romania, and parts of Asia. Bon assured the zoo keeper that one can never be too careful, nor is it wise to trust the wily and crafty bird, who will not hesitate to defecate on your patio and spread it's diseases wherever it can, and that we should remain vigilant even in America. Bon then smashed the zoo keeper's skull with his mallet and left.
Posted by Phil at 8:27 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack
June 29, 2005
Bon enraged at recent shark attacks; vows to kill all sharks
Bon has become enraged at the recent shark attacks occurring in Florida and has been living in the everglades for over a week, training and preparing himself to kill all sharks living in the Gulf of Mexico. As you can see in the photo on the left, Bon's appearance has changed quite drastically as he has been exposed to the harsh elements of the Florida swamps, and without means to shower or shave.
Bon will show no mercy, sharks, so I advise you to swim back out into
the deep where you belong.
I hope to have photos of Bon's methodical killing, one by one, of these heartless eating machines.
UPDATE: Bon's shark killing spree commences
Bon has been swimming along the gulf coast of Florida now for the last 24 hours and has managed to kill roughly 31 sharks in that timespan. Bon appears to be cleaning up the coast, as evidenced by the lack of shark attacks reported during the time Bon has been patrolling the coastline.
Above you can see one of Bon's victims.
SHARK UPDATE!!! NEW PHOTO!!
Posted by Phil at 9:07 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack