January 4, 2007
Guv'na reportedly won back soul in fiddle-playing competition with Satan
Following Guv'na's miraculous return from the grave, it was finally revealed how the Guv'na mysteriously resurrected himself from a most certain eternity in Hades.
The Guv'na defeated Satan and won back his soul after a "fiddle duel" brought about from a challenge from Lucifer himself.
Long known to have a weakness to fiddle competitions, particularly against southern gentlemen, Satan approached Guv'na with the promise of a bargain. Engage in a battle of fiddling, whereby a victory by the Guv'na would guarantee not only a golden fiddle, but also the reclamation of his lost soul. A victory by the Devil, however, would result in a lifetime of servitude the Lord of Darkness, plus a Christmas card signed by all the Playaz.
A "heated" exchange ensued....The Devil dragged his bow with his chorus of demons and brought forth an evil hiss. Upon completion of the Devil's fiddle solo, the Guv'na replied "well, you're pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."
The Guv'na then played the following, in rapid sequence:
Ace Of Spades
Allentown Polka
Angeline The Baker
Arkansas Traveler
Ashoken Farewell
Back Up And Push
Beaumont Rag
Bill Cheatham
Billy In The Lowground
Bitter Creek
Black And White Rag
Black Eyed Suzie
Black Mountain Rag
Blackberry Blossom
Boil Them Cabbage Down
Bonaparte's Retreat
Brilliancy
Bully Of The Town
Calgary Polka
Cattle In The Cane
Champagne Polka
Chancellor's Waltz
Cherokee Shuffle
Chicken Reel
Chinky Pin
Chinquapin
Choctaw
Cincinnati Rag
Clarinet Polka
Cottoneyed Joe
Cottonpatch Rag
Cripple Creek
Cuckoo's Nest
Did You Ever See The Devil, Uncle Joe?
Dill Pickle Rag
Don't Let Your Deal Go Down
Done Gone
Down Yonder
Draggin' The Bow
Durang's Hornpipe
Durham's Bull
Dusty Miller
East Tennessee Blues
Eighth Of January
Festival Waltz
Fiddler's Dream
Fiddler's Waltz
Fifty Years Ago Waltz
Fire On The Mountain
Fireman's Reel
Fisher's Hornpipe
Flop Eared Mule
Forked Deer
Gardenia Waltz
Gaudette Polka
Georgianna Moon
German Waltz
Get Up John
Golden Eagle Hornpipe
Golden Slippers
Goodbye Liza Jane
Goodnight Waltz
Grandfather Polka
Grey Eagle
Hell Among The Yearlings
Herman's Rag
Highland Hornpipe
Home With The Girls In The Morning
Hop Light Ladies
Hotfoot
I Don't Love Nobody
Jack Of Diamonds
Jerusalem Ridge
Jesse Polka
Jolie Blonde
Katy Hill
Kelly's Waltz
Leather Britches
Lee Highway Blues
Liberty
Limerock
Listen To The Mockingbird
Little Beggarman
Lone Star Rag
Lonesome Fiddle Blues
Lonesome John
Lonesome Moonlight Waltz
Lost Highway Blues
Lost Indian
Maidens Prayer
Martin's Waltz
Memory Waltz
Midnight On The Water
Miss Mcleod's Reel
Mississippi Sawyer
Old Joe Clark
Over The Waterfall
Over The Waves
Paddy On The Turnpike
Rachel
Raggedy Ann
Ragtime Annie
Red Haired Boy
Red Wing
Road To Columbus
Rose Of Allenvale
Rose Of Sharon
Roxanna Waltz
Rubber Dolly
Rye Straw
Sail Away Ladies
Sally Ann
Sally Goodin
Sally Johnson
Salt River
Say Old Man
Snow Flake Reel
Soldiers Joy
Soppin' The Gravy
St. Anne's Reel
Star Of The County Down
Stone's Rag
Stoney Point
Sweetheart Schottische
Temperence Reel
Tennessee Wagoner
Texas Schottische
Tom And Jerry
Tugboat
Turkey In The Straw
Twinkle Little Star
Under The Double Eagle
Wagoner
Washington County
Wednesday Night Waltz
Westphalia Waltz
Whiskey Before Breakfast
Wild Fiddler's Rag
and
Year Of Jubilo
The Devil, conceding defeat, granted Guv'na his soul back.
"Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again," Guv'na said. "But I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."
Not being a sore winner, Guv'na gave Satan his mink coat. The Devil asked "Guv'na, does your mink bite?" The Guv'na replied, "No".
Posted by Phil at 10:10 PM | Comments (18)
December 20, 2006
A Christmas Miracle!
And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.
But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.
And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."
But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.
And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."
And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.
Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM | Comments (373)
December 18, 2006
I had a dream
Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (11)
August 24, 2006
Guv'na accidentally backed over by Bon's truck
Unaware that The Guv'na was curled up napping beneath Bon's truck, Phil accidentally backed over The Guv'na, crushing him beneath the back wheel of the Ford F150.
"I feel terrible about this," Phil was quoted as saying. "Normally, I know to watch for him, because you never know where he might be curled up. This time I was just careless, and I ran over him."
Phil placed The Guv'na's carcass in a black hefty bag, where the Playaz will likely set it adrift in the Chattahoochee River.
"The government was pretty upset when we did the whole "State Funeral" deal for the guys on the last go around, only to find out they weren't dead. So we have to dispose of The Guv'na with a little less fanfare," Phil added between tears.
"Phil is very upset," Bon added. "He blames himself, but really we've had lots of near-misses with Guv'na. It was probably a matter of time," he said. Bon recounted a time when he noticed the Guv'na had crawled into the engine block to keep warm this past winter. "We will miss him greatly," said Bon.
Posted by Phil at 1:14 PM | Comments (15)
August 23, 2006
Unholy mess
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (8)
January 13, 2006
Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na alive! "How fare the Playaz?" they ask
What can only be described as a miracle, Tac, Wayne, & The Guv'na are discovered to be alive!
Descending to earth in a hot air balloon from lands unknown, the Playaz, long thought to be deceased, returned with wild tales and adventures.
Tac explained that while experimenting with mind-altering drugs one evening, a terrible storm came upon them. Swept up in extremely high winds, Tac explained that they were deposited into what seemed like another world.
Wayne, Guv'na, and Tac had been scattered by the winds and began to explore this unfamiliar territory.
Unbeknownst to them, this land was filled with bizarre creatures, both intriguing and horrifying. Tac described the likes of talking scarecrows, fields teeming with midgets, and winged monkeys.
Already on edge, Tac immediately began to lay waste to any living or breathing thing that came within firing range of him.
Tac said he wiped out a gang of misfits that included a grotesquely evolved lion who walked on it's hind feet, a man made entirely of tin, and the scarecrow. There was a pretty woman with them, but Tac did not have time to ascertain if she were in need of help or part of their hideous band.
Wayne, separated from the others, began investigating as well. Attempting to figure out the best way to reunite with the missing Playaz, Wayne discovered a path, and began to follow it. However, he noticed something curious. Upon further inspection, this "road" was coated in lead-based paint, highly toxic and deadly.
Wayne made haste for what appeared to be the capital city. After talking with several of the little people he encountered in the city, he found cause to file a class action suit against the one they called "The Wizard", who ran the city.
Suing for over $1 billion in damages, Wayne began his suit and his withering cross-examination against this "Wizard", who could not explain why the roads had not been properly treated, nor why there was any appropriate health care for those who needed it.
On the other side of the city, the Guv'na had met a trio of midgets, going by the name "The Lollipop Guild". Guv'na was seduced by these three, who told the Guv'na tales of "magic" candy canes. Having a weakness for this candied confection, Guv'na followed them on a journey to these magical canes.
Upon finding a field laden with the most glorious candy canes ever seen, the Guv'na began to taste them. They were delicious! However, these were no ordinary candy canes. They were laced with some narcotic that caused the Guv'na to lose consciousness. The band of midgets robbed Guv'na of his mink and gold pocket watch and left him for dead.
Tac realized the urgency of the situation. The Playaz did not need to tarry any longer in this strange place. After killing virtually everything in his path, Tac was able to locate Wayne, who had just won his suit against Emerald City, virtually crippling the town financially after collecting his fee of 99% of the one billion dollar judgement. Guv'na was discovered as well, but they weren't home free yet.
A horde of angry "munchkins" had tracked them down - upset that their town was now bankrupt, which essentially put all of them out of work. Being that the city was the only employer, they attempted to stop the Playaz' escape to make them pay.
Spotting a nearby bulldozer, Tac quickly cranked up the machine and cleared a path for the Playz' getaway, crushing the tiny bones of every munchkin caught in his tracks and plowing through them with ease.
Absconding a hot air balloon, the three Playaz flew out of danger, and made it back safely to us.
It is a great day for the Playaz. United again! Welcome back Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na. Did we tell you about our new plane?
Update: The national news is now picking up on the story.
Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM | Comments (167) | TrackBack
January 12, 2006
Today's Drudge Report
Posted by Phil at 10:14 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 11, 2006
Applications now being accepted
We are receiving numerous headshots and taking phone calls from multiple agents in attempts to have their clients become the new Playaz in light of our recent loss.
Below is a sample of the people being considered to replace Tac, Guv'na, & Wayne.
Ben Affleck (Tac)
Marshall Mathers (Guv'na)
Denzel Washington (Wayne)
Posted by Phil at 10:09 AM | Comments (34) | TrackBack
January 10, 2006
Bon & I attend Life Insurance check presentation banquet
Following the sad events that have led up to today, Bon & I attended a luncheon at the local Holiday Inn for the presentation of our $40,000,000.00 life insurance check for the policies held for Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na which we received as a result of their tragic deaths.
These fine folks are a small outfit, but a solid company if you ever need to use their services. Their motto is "We don't have access to the internet."
Bon and I promptly purchased a Gulfstream V to assuage our grief.
Posted by Phil at 1:18 PM | Comments (49) | TrackBack
January 9, 2006
Funeral for a Playa
I believe my worst fears are true. As I mentioned in the post below, it has been 5 days with virtually no communication from either Tac, Wayne, or The Guv'na.
I am saddened to say that Bon & I decided to move forward with the funeral this morning, despite the pleas of the respective Playaz' families to hold off, saying that they may only be 'very busy'.
I'm sorry, but we cannot change the past. They are dead and we must accept it.
Naturally, we had Tac, Wayne, and Guv'na interned at Arlington National Cemetery.
Hundreds of thousands lined the streets to view the processional.
Many dignitaries and heads of state attended, including Hank Williams, Jr. and Kid Rock.
Here you can see the "Playa-less Horse" being led through the processional. The horse is wearing the ceremonial Kangol, and you will note the city-boots placed backwards in the stirrups.
Kenny was a pall-bearer. Seen here carrying Tac's coffin, Kenny was inconsolable.
Bon & I with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at the funeral.
Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na are laid to rest at the "Tomb of the Unknown Playa", a very secluded and solemn place at Arlington. Tourists are not even allowed to this part of the cemetery.
President Bush and Larry Holmes present a wreath at the Playaz' final resting place to the armed militia, who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Playa day and night.
Perhaps the most moving moment of the ceremony: The "Missing Playaz" formation being flown overhead.
Posted by Phil at 3:10 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack
January 7, 2006
Wherefore art thou, Playaz?
Just a quick post to air a few concerns and comments.
First, I wanted to move the update in the post below up to this post:
It appears that the blogger formerly known as Wayne has succumbed to the Playaz' demands to cease and desist using the name "Wayne" (said demands I voiced on the New Year's podcast at Letter To America), as it conflicts legally with our own copyrighted and trademarked Wayne. For now, at my suggestion, he has opted to use the name "Frank".
You may listen to an update about this extremely important matter on Letter To America Chapter 17.
Secondly, I just thought I'd mention that Bon & I have been somewhat concerned that we have not heard from Tac, Guv'na, or Wayne for quite some time. In a typical day, The Playaz exchange roughly 100 emails (Instant Messaging is for weiners), and communication among those three has dropped off completely.
I can only assume that they have died.
I will add that this does not let "Frank" off the hook, as even if it is proven that Wayne and the others are dead, their rights will live on in perpetuity and posthumously as they will be passed on to their heirs (me & Bon).
Posted by Phil at 10:01 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack