April 27, 2008

Posted by Phil at 3:58 PM | Comments (5)

December 11, 2007

Milk was a bad choice

Many of you have inquired as to my whereabouts and well-being, and why I have not been posting as frequently. I get calls from people like Fidel Castro, letters from Jimmy Carter - people from all over the globe asking "what happened to the Playaz?".

I have been very ill now for the last several months with a chronic disorder that has all but interrupted my normal Playa lifestyle. I have lost approximately 50 lbs. since September, and in my weakened state have simply not been able to post as frequently as I'd like.

Wayne is back safely, for those of you who recall his mysterious absence from Playaz Ball, and there is a wild tale regarding his rescue and return which I will hopefully share with you in the near future.

I have been undergoing treatment these several months, but their results have been marginal thus far, and slow to take effect.

As a result, I have opted to try a different path in conjunction with my doctor currently treating me. I have heard many good things about traditional Chinese Medicine and their benefits to people with conditions such as mine. I bumped into an Asian fellow a few weeks ago and I asked him "who is the top China-man here in the States who can help treat me for my ailments?". The man became offended and walked off without answering me (apparently, it has come to my attention that the term "China-man" is offensive to people of Asian ethnicity. It was my understanding that the Asian race was the last group of people that it was okay to be racially derogatory towards, without any social repercussions. I guess I am wrong).

Anyway, I did locate someone and tomorrow I am flying to Los Angeles to meet with Dr. Mao, where he will no doubt stab me with needles and prescribe comet dust tea for me to drink.

Wish me luck, and I hope to return to your world very soon.

All my best,
Phil

(comments have been deactivated as I have been swamped with spam these past few months)

Posted by Phil at 11:39 AM

November 11, 2007

Toy recall baffles Playaz

The Playaz were highly confused by a recent mandated recall of a toy invented by the Playaz that has proven to be wildly popular in countries such as Australia.

"We were expecting to reap big profits for Christmas this season. This toy appeals to children and stalkers alike," said Bon. "Parents might actually find it to be a nice sedative for hyperactive children," he added.

This is not the first toy the Playaz invented that has been recalled. In 2003, toy vehicles that had 1:100 scale 50mm turrets mounted to them that fired live ammunition were deemed unsafe, and in 2000, the popular "Bag O' Cats", which was a burlap sack full of cats, was pulled off the shelves as well.

Bon is seen in toy development in 2003

Posted by Phil at 4:47 PM | Comments (6)

October 16, 2007

Posted by Phil at 3:03 PM | Comments (8)

October 9, 2007

Wayne?

Posted by Phil at 12:34 PM | Comments (3)

October 3, 2007

"....you know for years I provided Burt and Loni with all their wigs. They came to me. Then they split up...big mistake. But I'm rambling....Anyway, I said to Guv'na 'if you're saying you wouldn't do that to her if presented to you, even if it were 100% cleaned, sterilized, whatever you wanted, you sir are a bald-faced liar! You know you wouldn't be able to say no!'....say have you guys seen a guy named "Wayne"? He's our attorney and he's been missing a while over here somewhere."

Posted by Phil at 4:49 PM | Comments (10)

October 1, 2007

The Onion is stealing from me again

Just because I get lost in the plains of Africa searching for Wayne and stop posting on a regular basis, doesn't mean The Onion can start ripping me off again. Well, technically they're stealing from my Mom.

Here's the offending story.

Of course, you all remember my Mom, who coined the phrase.

And here's their previous effort to lift their news straight from Playaz Ball.

(comments are now open again)

Posted by Phil at 9:48 AM | Comments (9)

September 26, 2007

"Wayne?.."

9/27
DEAR PHIL,
PLEASE IS MY INTEREST TO KNOW IF MR.WAYNE HAS ARRIVED BACK AMERICA BECAUSE AM AFRAID THAT IT COULD BE THAT HE HAS GOT MISSED FOR EVER,AS YOU STATED IN ONE OF YOUR WEBSITE THAT YOU SENT HIM TO GHANA TO MEET ME BUT YOU NEVER HAD OF HIM OR HE NEVER RETURN BACK TO STATES.

WHAT IS THE CURRENT NEWS ABOUT HIM,KINDLY UPDATE ME HIS WAY ABOUT.

AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR MAIL REPLY AT THE SWIFTEST REGARDING HIS LOCATION THIS MOMENT.

BEST REGARDS.
MR.SHERIFF

Posted by Phil at 3:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2007

I'm not sure where to start.

As I type this, I feel weak. The mind wanders. The turtleneck does not fit as snugly as it once did, revealing the manly brawn of my physique. I have survived these maladies before....Am I beaten?

Let me back up.

Playaz Ball 2007....Wayne was sent to Ghana to settle the situation with Mr. Sheriff once and for all. Mysteriously, Wayne went missing. Had he fallen into the clutches of Mr. Mike Teigaga? Been lingering in an opium den? Fallen for a native lass and settled on a farm raising hyenas?

Dear Phil,

Listen and listen properly, don't behave shizzy in regarding the arrival of your delegates. As you know I run things and things never run me, however I have call your business a speedy attention and you slack behind, he who fight and run away will live to fight another, however is a shame seeing you kidding and with characteristic of childish plays.

You are afraid to become a Financial Dada, so therefore you will remain the same in your state of finance; no addition and increase of cash that so called PLAYAZ INC.

Your habitual character has pissed me off your line; however continue at work and in meeting down here with Mr. Mike Teigaga and his associates. I stand strong to tell you any thing mike and his associates can do I must do it the best to your admirable, loveable and choose able.

I await your swift and speedy mail reply to enable me and you to conclude for no further as you wish.

Best Regards,

Mr. Sheriff.

Wayne apparently did not make his connection with Mr. Sheriff.

He could have faked his own death, which the Playaz are often want to do - but Wayne surely would have alerted me to this in order to collect the insurance money prior to his plan. No, something else is a-miss.

Upon the realization of this we had to rescue Wayne. But we had a problem. We spent all of our money on Playaz Ball.

Oh, Why did Bon insist on purchasing the more expensive 'Benjamin Moore' paints for Huff Night?! Did Larry Holmes really need a $20,000.00 per diem? But this is how the Playaz roll.

Now, no fuel for the jet to bring Wayne back, wherever he is.

After scouring the countryside, I needed sustenance. Finally spotting a 'Kenny & Bon's', I found my need was their supply (that and of course the Playaz always eat free at Kenny & Bon's). I mistakenly ordered the "diet" platter of K&B roast goose, which comes with a side of tapeworms. Now, 1 month later, I am an emaciated version of my former self - weakened by these parasites. I look ridiculous with only 1 chin!!

Fortunately, I secured a position with the world-renowned "Bank of Africa" (the official bank of the entire continent). I noticed they have lots of money sitting around in their various "accounts" that rarely ever go anywhere. So I figured they are fair game. I only need find someone to laund- I mean, - to graciously accept my gifts in exchange to transfer the money through their own account, return it to me in exchange they will receive a small bonus (before they pay me a Transaction Fee). This money is likely in the account of someone dead, or dying, of which I am their likely orphan and/or you are their distant relative. All of it is true, I tell you.

So until I figure a way out of this mess, and regain my health and strength, I am afraid I may be on a bit of a "break" from giving you the Playa-news you so desire.

But do not be dismayed. I will be back, and back soon. Keep reading the news. You will see us, still working diligently. When you read a headline that says "man strangles raccoon with bare hands", or, "diaper wearing astronaut to plead insanity", you'll know who is behind those stories.

Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM | Comments (12)

August 23, 2007

What can (Phil) Braun do for you?

Apparently, not much as of late.

I apologize for lack of posts, and delay of DVD production.

I have not been feeling well of late, and on top of that have had to deal with the missing-Wayne situation.

Please be patient - I will be back up to speed as soon as I am able.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this photo of our Honorary Playa of the Day, Vladimir Putin:

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (10)

June 22, 2007

Playaz also call for death of Salman Rushdie

Through a press release and protest yesterday, the Playaz recently condemned the beleagured author Salman Rushdie for commiting an "affront to the Playaz".

The British-Indian novelist has recently been condemned by Pakistani cabinet members following his Knighthood in London, England, as well as having had a 'fatwa' placed on his head in 1989 by Iran's spiritual leader Ayatollah Khomeini for his book "The Satanic Verses". Both incidences are believed to have offended the nation of Islam.

The Playaz issued the death sentence to Rushdie following a visit to Kenny & Bon's Roasters, where the author reportedly returned one of their infamous dishes "blackened bald eagle", calling it "unpleasant" and too "gamey".

"Kill him! Death to Rushdie!" several of the Playaz shouted outside the restaurant after reports came back of Rushdie's dissatisfaction with his meal.

Several other celebrity endorsers of the restaurant, such as comedic singer Ray Stevens, spoke out against Rushdie, saying his actions were deplorable.

Rushdie has reportedly gone into hiding once again to avoid any bounty hunters seeking to once again kill the controversial author.

**(we are still awaiting Mr. Sheriff's essay, so I am bringing you this urgent news story while we wait)

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (5)

June 13, 2007

Kenny Rogers attempts to cross river on back of Charlie Daniels; Daniels drowns

Kenny Rogers, in a brash show of bravado, attempted to ride bareback across the Eden River on top of country musician Charlie Daniels at the annual Appleby Horse Fair, which ended in tragedy.

In what has become an annual ritual at the Fair, dozens of riders will cross the river on horseback. Rogers, instead, mounted Mr. Daniels and waded into the river before Daniels lost his footing in deep waters.

Apparently unable to swim due to the weight of Rogers, Daniels drowned before he could be pulled to shore.

"The riders try to be 'macho'," stated one horrified onlooker. "They will traditionally dunk the horses' heads underwater, and they start to swim across," he added. Rogers dunked Daniels head under water, at which point a frightened Daniels panicked, and sank to the bottom of the river.

Many onlookers immediately attempted to retrieve Daniels, but it was too late. The hefty country singer was dead by the time they pulled him to shore.

A distraught Kenny answered investigators questions before leaving immediately on the Playaz jet to return to their Headquarters.

The lifeless Daniels lies on the bank as Kenny answers questions

Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM | Comments (8)

June 8, 2007

Tac punches Alabama state senator for "disrespecting Kenny"

A blow to the face of Alabama State Sen. Lowell Barron was captured on Alabama Public Television, when Tac punched the democratic lawmaker for "disrespecting the work of Kenny Rogers".

The fracas evolved over a debate on the floor of the Senate as to the virtues of Kenny Rogers' legacy as a musician and performer.

Several Senators introduced a bill that claimed Kenny was not the greatest country musician of all time, with evidence showing that Kenny did not write many of his own hit tunes - specifically siting that Lionel Ritchie was responsible for several Kenny 'classics' as an example.

Tac then began a three-day filibuster to wear down the Senate. Tac spoke for 72 consecutive hours about Kenny Rogers.

By the time the floor was open to a vote, Sen. Barron called Kenny a "son of a b*tch", at which point Tac assaulted the Senator and punched him in the face.

After then threatening the remaining Senate lawmakers, the bill was shot down unanimously.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM | Comments (12)

June 4, 2007

Man eats small dog to protest Royal Family; Bon eats larger dog as counter-protest

In a recent news story, a British man ate a dog in the London streets as a way to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

The protestor, Mark McGowan, set up a table streetside in downtown London and ate a Corgi, a small dog that is a favorite breed of Queen Elizabeth in response to a story that Prince Phillip, the queen's husband, had reportedly beaten a fox to death during a hunt.

Upon hearing the protest, Bon immediately offered his support of the royal family by eating a much larger dog, a German Shepherd.

Bon lauded the Prince's hunting tactics and vowed to top whatever animal McGowan would eat in the future should further protests arise.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (5)

May 30, 2007

Pick me, YouTubes!

For reasons of obtaining valuable prizes, I have opted to enter a short video into a contest being held on YouTube called "YouTube Sketchies" (sponsored by the delicious, delicious Sierra Mist beverage makers).

While my videos tend to be auto-biographical in nature, and not necessarily comedic by design, I figured the sheer awesome-ness alone would vault me into the quarter-finals. If so, you will have the pleasure of seeing at least one, possibly two more videos.

So here's a preview of the video I submitted, which will be judged sometime after May 31st. I assume it will win.

Also, please note the lameness of the ending of this video is strictly me pandering to the YouTube Sketchies judges.

The video is titled "Bionic Phil: Cyborg of Tomorrow"

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM | Comments (13)

May 29, 2007

Playaz mourn death of the great Charles Nelson Reilly

Our Memorial Day weekend got off to a rough start at the news of the death of beloved friend Charles Nelson Reilly.

A man who reached stardom through his many appearances on game shows, and his superb acting in TV show "Love, American Style" and movie classic "Cannonball Run II".

Please find an online guest book somewhere and sign your condolensces for this fine man. CNR, we will miss you.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM | Comments (9)

May 25, 2007

Blowin' up cats: all the cool kids are doin' it

As a public service announcement, our most recent video "Cat-tastrophe" is being featured on the main page of Super Deluxe (along with several other less important, semi-interesting videos and shorts).

Super Deluxe is a relatively new broadband comedy channel that was launched by Turner Broadcasting (the fine folks who bring you Atlanta Braves baseball and Adult Swim).

So please stop by their site and watch our video again. And again and again. Leave a comment if you like!

Have a great weekend everyone.

(Note: The video is no longer on the main page - you can find it here or here -thanks to Super Deluxe for featuring the vid)

Posted by Phil at 9:32 AM | Comments (4)

May 21, 2007

Only one animal was harmed in the making of this video

I am a problem solver.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (14)

May 18, 2007

Playaz host dog fight for charity for Michael Vick

The Playaz hosted a very special charity event featuring fights to the death between dogs and other various animals to help raise money for Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick's legal defense.

"Michael Vick has been in a lot of hot water lately, so the Playaz got together to help figure out a way to assist him with all these legal battles he's been facing. We decided to put on one of his favorite activities to raise money. Dog fighting," said Bon.

The charity festival did not only feature dog-on-dog fighting, but also many varieties of animals pitted against one another in a blood sport that few have ever witnessed.

"Yes, we tried to be creative - we even pitted two housecats against a koala bear. Man those guys went at it. You wouldn't think they'd be natural enemies, but those two species really do dislike each other," Bon added.

Vick said he was thankful for the Playaz help and had a great time. He added that the dog fights were a nice "break from reality", where he could relax and forget about all his troubles.

Phil added, "we have money riding on the Falcons this year. We couldn't let our starting quarterback go to jail. Who are we going to rely on? Joey Harrington? I don't think so."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (46)

May 6, 2007

Hello, websites and internet friends!

My foray into "webcam" videos - as friend Jett Loe likes to say, we have a "commitment to reality" here, and in this video I give you a quick glimpse at a couple of the things you might have noticed in the Manpoo commercial.

About 2:00 of explanation, and about 1:30 of me saying "ummmm".

Posted by Phil at 5:32 PM | Comments (17)

April 27, 2007

Playaz offer Fidel Castro $100,000 for track suit

The Playaz sat down with recently recovering Cuban President Fidel Castro and offered the dictator $100,000.00 in U.S. dollars for his red, white, and blue track suit.

Castro has been seen the last several months sporting the track suit. The suit is believed to be an adidas suit from the 1982 era, though whether or not it is a knock-off brand has not been confirmed.

The Playaz prepared a detailed proposal and presented it along with their offer to convice the Cuban leader to part with the suit. While stressing that they were willing to pay top dollar, it was noted that the waistband was distressed from over-stretching, and that the suit would need to be cleaned to remove it's odor of sweat, moth balls, cigar smoke, and a scent that can only be described as being closest to that of 'hot dog'.

Castro listens closely as Bon goes over the Playaz' offer for the track suit in detail

Castro reportedly has 3 business days to consider the offer, and which point he will reply or counter-offer the Playaz. Castro may try to sell the Playaz a Le Coq Sportiff for $25,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM | Comments (9)

April 23, 2007

Get a whiff of our hair

Special thanks to Rock Creek Rambler for inventing this fine product.

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM | Comments (66)

April 19, 2007

Playaz join in on burning effigies of Richard Gere; also encourage burning of American Idol's Sanjaya

The Playaz joined an enraged Indian mob in the burning of effigies of Richard Gere for his brazen display of public affection towards Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, as well as their general distaste for the actor.

In addition, the Playaz encouraged not only the burning of Gere, but also effigies of recently ousted American Idol Sanjaya Malakar.

The Playaz kicked and stamped the flaming effigy of Malakar, shouting epithets such as "Death To Sanjaya", among the gathering of angry Indian protestors.

Most men were enraged by Gere's actions, considered a violation of Indian culture, but some were confused about the Playaz anger towards the fan-favorite Sanjaya in this year's "Idol".

"He is not a very good singer, but do we really need to burn his likeness? Richard Gere? Yes. But Sanjaya? Are we going too far?" one Indian man was quoted as saying.

The Playaz quickly convinced the horde that Sanjaya was an effeminate meat-eater, who, despite appearing on a show titled "American Idol", worshipped no idols himself. This sent them into a furious rage at which point effigies of Malakar, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell were also burned.

Posted by Phil at 5:17 PM | Comments (8)

April 12, 2007

Guv'na turns up in Zoo's bear exhibit

The Guv'na was discovered recently in the Bear Exhibit by patrons at the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo, napping on the cool stone adjacent to the bear pool.

Exactly how the Guv'na ended up inside the exhibit is unknown. It is suspected that the Guv'na's propensity to nap, or pass out in various locations, combined with his love of fur coats, caused him to be mistakenly captured by animal control officials and relocated into the exhibit.

The Guv'na was seen earlier up and about, nibbling on the inside of a pumpkin shell along with the other bears, before taking a casual swim and entertaining the gathered audience by playing with a beach ball.

This is not the first time The Guv'na has ended up in a bear exhibit in the zoo. In 1997, Guv'na was seen in the Central Park Polar Bear exhibit in New York City.

Posted by Phil at 1:59 PM | Comments (25)

April 10, 2007

Court rules: Tac the father of Anna Nicole's baby

The Court ruled today that DNA tests conducted by Larry Holmes have proven definitively that Tac is the father of Daniellyn, the daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith.

Tac triumphantly exited the courthouse to throngs of reporters in the presence of a stunned Daniel K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Zsa-Zsa Gabor's husband, Ed Asner, and Emmanuel Lewis.

Earlier photos of the pair had established a prior connection with Tac and the former Playboy model and love-maker to decrepit old people, and further speculation arose over a photo of Anna Nicole's son Daniel that one of the Playaz may have fathered him as well.

"I am very excited that my daughter and her money will be coming home with me soon," Tac was quoted as saying.

Posted by Phil at 4:48 PM | Comments (7)

April 9, 2007

Overdrawn?

The fine folks at "Citizens Bank" are wondering why they have not heard from me lately in the dealings of my brutally murdered Uncle Muhammad from Canada and my personal Nigerian Lawyer David Lauire.

I do not wish to belabor you, dear readers, with all the details, but if you wish for me to keep you up to date with the correspondence, please let me know in the comments section.

Posted by Phil at 1:11 PM | Comments (16)

Back to where I once belonged

I have returned from Spring Break and it was a huge success. This year, only 3 co-eds died falling off of my balcony, and I won 5 wet t-shirt contests.

However, this snap of cold weather has prevented me from shedding my winter coat.

While this acts as a natural sunscreen for me, I have usually lost most of this hair by now as we head into spring and summer.

As I settle back into my routine, please enjoy this post from Easter of last year. There is a new anonymous commenter who seems slightly disturbed by what he/she is seeing.

Bon captures egg-hiding rabbit in backyard

Will be posting again soon, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM | Comments (2)

March 30, 2007

Road trip (on my Gulfstream)

I am going out of town for a week and as you can see, I have a lot of packing to do.

I presume my Nigerian Barrister will have our deal all wrapped up by the time I return.

In the mean time, feel free to click on things and leave comments, but otherwise leave my stuff alone while I'm gone.

Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM | Comments (14)

March 21, 2007

Playaz to travel with corpse of Don Knotts to garner free First Class seats

The Playaz' have discovered a way to attain free First Class air travel when their own jet is in repair or is in use by Kenny Rogers or Larry Holmes.

After reading this story, when forced to fly commercially, the Playaz will now travel with the corpse of Don Knotts as a way to upgrade their seating assignment without paying for the first class fare.

Once the unwitting steward or stewardess discovers the decaying corpse of Knotts, the Playaz will begin weeping and wailing until the staff offers the Playaz first class seating for "privacy".

Knotts has been dead for over a year, and will take some serious embalming to maitain the body in it's present state for future air travel plans.

Posted by Phil at 7:55 AM | Comments (13)

March 17, 2007

Miniature cobbler found dead; local authorities mystified

A tiny little cobbler was found dead in his cobbler's workshop today, with few leads for police officials to go by.

The diminutive cobbler was apparently performing his usual tasks of repairing shoes interspersed with the occasional bout of mischief, when he was apparently interrogated, tortured, and murdered by an unknown assailant.

The authorities also stated that multiple holes were found dug in the cobbler's ragwort field in the rear of his shop.

A pair of alligator Giorgio Brutini Private Collection shoes were discovered in the shop, possibly belonging to the intruder.

Posted by Phil at 3:44 PM | Comments (103)

March 13, 2007

Bon sets up meth-lab in the Stardust Hotel

Posted by Phil at 4:43 PM | Comments (10)

March 12, 2007

How was your weekend?

Another typical weekend for the Playaz...

The next several days could see posts few and far between as I am currently busy with another project. So please bear with me if I don't update as frequently as you are accustomed.

Tac has entered a fitness competition, and it is possible I'll update you on that.

Otherwise, please feel free to peruse the Archives, and re-live some of your favorite Playa moments.

Posted by Phil at 10:08 AM | Comments (13)

March 6, 2007

Playaz discover skeletons of Dracula, Wolfman

With recent "discoveries" of Blackbeard's cannon and Jesus's tomb, the Playaz (not wanting to be outdone) have announced that they have discovered the skeletons of both Dracula and The Wolfman.

Guv'na points to the location Dracula and the Wolfman's bones were discovered

The Playaz discovered the bones of the two infamous monsters together, on top of Mount Transylvania. While reporters questioned the existence of a "Mount Transylvania", the Playaz quickly changed the subject by pointing out how oddly the remains were positioned and insinuated that the pair may have been fighting each other when they died, or were gay.

Skeletons, identified by the Playaz to be that of Dracula & Wolfman, found together in a stunning archaeolgical discovery

The amazing discovery certainly trumps the dubious finds of the tomb of Jesus and Blackbeard's cannon, making this discovery the most heralded of all time.

The Playaz will not donate the skeletons to a museum for research, but instead will place them on display in their mansion, along side the bones of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, which the Playaz purchased several years ago.

Posted by Phil at 7:17 PM | Comments (9)

February 20, 2007

Well, well....look who's woken from their virtual coma....

It appears someone who previously decided to quit blogging has survived a near-fatal blow to the head, and is now thinking more clearly than before.

What do you think about quitting blogging now, tough guy?

Next time I'll squeeze your head in a vice...

Posted by Phil at 3:26 PM | Comments (12)

February 15, 2007

Phil's family to remain in quarantine for the remainder of winter

After a horrific bout with the stomach flu, I have decided that my family shall be contained in an air-tight capsule for the remainder of winter.

It started late Saturday night, when one of my girls woke up in a pool of vomit. 36 hours later, my other daughter got sick and my wife passed out in a pool of her own vomit in the bathroom. So with my entire family lying in their respective pools of vomit, guess who got sick next?

That's right. Me.

Now, I am accustomed to waking up in vomit following a night of excessive comet dust use and space orgies with Dian Parkinson, but this was no pleasure cruise on a Space Shuttle.

So, in order to avoid any future ailments, I thought it best my family remain in quarantine for the forseeable future (at the earliest, until flu season passes).

Aside from removing any possibility of me catching any more diseases, I find that it makes life much quieter and easier this way. I now get to watch whatever I want on television without any complaints, for example.

Not to worry, folks. My wife and kids have at least 6 months supply of dry goods and diapers to sustain them.

They should be thankful at least. Bon suggested they be put down, under suspicion that they had contracted the bird-flu.

Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM | Comments (20)

February 2, 2007

Editorial

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (10)

January 30, 2007

Barbaro finally dead; Playaz may now profit on beloved horse

After several painstaking months of hope by the Playaz that Barbaro would not pull through, the horse did in fact die, allowing the Playaz to begin production of their eagerly anticipated "Barbaro Chow" dog food.

Bon is pictured leading the Kentucky Derby Winner to the gallows

But not only will dogs across the globe be satisfied with the tasty morsels of Barbaro Chow. Anticipating Barbaro's demise since the broken leg, caretakers have been collecting Barbaro's semen around the clock, which shall be stored in 55 gallon drums and distributed for use as industrial lubricant under the Playaz' brand of oil distributorships.

The 15W40 weight Horse Semen engine oil may be used in industrial equipment such as heavy-duty trucks and other large machinery.

We can also provide Barbaro Synthetic Horse Semen engine oil in 10W30 for lighter weight cars and trucks.

Barbaro's semen has a flashpoint of 3,000 degrees, and is guaranteed to last. Bon uses the most advanced polymers to improve viscosity and prevent break-down (Group 3 base stock). The Barbaro 15W40 has a TBN of 14, along with an ultra-low sheer rate!!

This new technology was brought on by the government's new mandated emissions control regarding diesel fuel particulate matter (and, we had an awful lot of Barbaro's semen that we had to find something to do with).

Barbaro 15W40 Horse Semen is a miracle worker, with suprisingly little to no sludge build-up! Something you'd expect from the semen of a championship horse! Pick some up at your local Pep Boys.

Posted by Phil at 5:46 PM | Comments (9)

January 26, 2007

Lifelike "Tac-Bot" to be introduced to consumers in 2008

It has been said that the Playaz' robots can creep people out. Their heads are so lifelike, their skin so textured and realistic, that a competing roboticist called the Playaz' robot "spookily cool ... a giant step forward."

This past week President Bush got a sneak-preview of the Playaz' latest invention, the "Tac-Bot".

President Bush greets the new 'Tac-Bot'

"We have just revolutionized the world as we know it," the Guv'na said at the Tac-Bot unveiling. "Tac-Bot is a fully interactive robot. He can speak, respond to commands, interact in conversation, and perform complex tasks. He has a full range of emotions, which typically range from anger, to rage, to mildly agitated."

During demonstrations, Tac-Bot could often be seen attempting physical harm upon the person or persons engaging it, unless pacified with an offering of comet dust or a re-boot of Tac-Bot's power supply. However, it was noted that most attempts by assistants to power-down Tac-Bot were met with the bone-crushing grip of one of Tac-Bots hands.

"We haven't worked out all the bugs of the Tac-Bot, but we expect by the time it is due to be released, he will be fully capable of performing the tasks he is programmed to do," Guv'na added.

Those tasks reportedly include drug trade and drug trafficking (Tac-Bot contains air-tight compartments lined with a protective layer that prevents odors from being detected by police K-9 units), currency exchange (Tac-Bot will electronically sweep your bank accounts and keep your funds stored on his own internal "e-Bank" system, and will dispense funds to you when Tac-Bot wants you to buy him something. The remainder of your funds are transferred to Playaz' bank accounts), home security (Tac-Bot is fully equipped with the latest in artillery, and has the strength of a bulldozer), and dancing.

Owners of the new Tac-Bot will receive an instruction manual that will guide them as to how to interact with their new robot. It first advises that you not make direct eye-contact with Tac-Bot, nor should you raise your voice above a certain octave or volume when speaking to Tac-Bot. It is advised that you not own pets when purchasing a Tac-Bot. Tac-Bot can control your television and will automatically override any of your TV selections if they are deemed unsatisfactory to Tac-Bot.

The Tac-Bot is expected to retail for $500,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM | Comments (14)

January 24, 2007

Playaz once again victorious; now 1,437- 0 in lawsuits

The Playaz have succeeded once again in crushing our opponents in the court of law.

You may recall my mentioning of our very real lawsuit, whereby our neighbor to the rear of Playaz' Headquarters was suing the Playaz for untamed shrubbery growth, claiming it blocked his view and "the circulation of ocean breezes".

Recently, we received this:

It is a lesson to all that if you deign to bring a frivolous lawsuit before us, we will crush you. We are the Kings of Frivolity when it pertains to lawsuits.

We then celebrated mocking this loser with the following email exchanges:

From: Bon
To: The Playaz

F--- with the Playaz, and you'll get the horns.

From: Phil

What a dumbass...

From: Bon

He must have heard who we were. Maybe he saw us at Playaz Ball and thought we would savage him.

From: Phil

"Tell the grandkids I am sorry I cannot buy them their PlayStation 3s for Christmas, as I now have no money due to spending it all on lawsuits involving untamed shrubbery growth."

From: Wayne

The funniest thing would be if he spent so much money on the lawsuit that he couldn't pay his association dues, and then the association sued him.

Actually, it would be funnier if he died when one of the shrubs fell on him, or a circulating ocean breeze blew him out to sea, but I think that's stretching it.

From: Bon

Or if he was asphyxiated from the lack of ocean breeze...

From: Phil

What if he and the Playaz became friends, and one day laughed together about the height of the shrubbery and how it really doesn't block the breezes at all?

From: Wayne

Maybe that would be ironic, but not funny.

From: Phil

Did I mention that he was bankrupt, and had lost the very house that he once owned?

From: Wayne

THAT would be funny. Maybe we hired him to do our shrubbery maintenance?

From: Bon

He also works as a cabana boy during PB (playaz ball).

From: Phil

It will be necessary so that he can make ends meet now that we have ruined him financially.

From: Wayne

That was my thinking. A little pocket money for him.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (14)

January 21, 2007

Inside Playaz Headquarters

For years, people have pondered what goes on inside Playaz Headquarters, perhaps the most mysterious beachfront mansion in the entire world. Today, you will be offered an exclusive glimpse behind the walls at Playaz HQ.

Many of you have already seen our state of the art Threat Operations Center, housed within our underground bunker system.

The Threat Operations Center is a part of the extensive bomb-proof bunker that lies approximately 100 feet beneath the mansion, which protects Playaz' valuables like our wool kangols, our comet dust, our VHS tapes of "Body by Gilad", and our prized collection of Burger King limited edition Star Wars glasses.

What you haven't seen is our respective bedrooms. Each is tailored to our specific preferences. Bon's room, for example, contains a wide array of wild life killed by Bon (naturally).

The most interesting piece in this room is the skeleton of a mermaid that Bon captured, made love to (the human half), then killed off the South Carolina coast.

Wayne's room is a virtual law library, in which Wayne is surrounded by law books, mainly focusing on dog-maulings and shrubbery litigation (as the Playaz are involved in from time to time).

The Guv'na's is a simple room. Sleeping in a trundle, the Guv'na can be neatly tucked away in any drawer or under another piece of furniture.

Tac's room features the Sharp 108" television, which sits just at the end of the bed where Tac can enjoy NASCAR and Gilad in High-Definition clarity.

This is my room. It is quite simple, with my favorite Conway Twitty photo, a working moonshine still, and a hot-tub which always contains at least one Price-Is-Right model around the clock.

Our Headquarters was constructed and specially designed by Henderson Brothers home builders (typically specializing in Lake Lanier homes in Georgia, but for a crisp $100 bill and a Playaz endorsement, were willing to design this magnificent structure).

Of course I wish I could show you the exterior of Headquarters, but for obvious security reasons I cannot. I hope you enjoyed that brief glimpse into our home away from home.

Perhaps someday some of you will be able to witness it firsthand, though in all probability you will be gunned down by our security guards moments after.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM | Comments (9)

January 18, 2007

Deceased rabbit lies in state at Phil's house

Pet rabbit (no name) passed away late last evening of unknown causes.

After 7 years of living in solitary confinement, the rabbit was discovered deceased by Phil's wife this morning.

Declining Phil's offer to discard the rabbit in the nearest refuse container (trash can), Phil's wife insisted upon a formal burial, which shall be delayed due to inclement weather in the metro Atlanta area.

As a result, as of 1:45 p.m. the rabbit continues to lie in state in Phil's residence, with no visitors expected to pay their respects.

Bon has offered his burial services regarding the rabbit, but has also been refused by Phil's wife.

The rabbit will be fondly remembered for his love of urinating, defecating, and devouring the downstairs carpet.

Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM | Comments (21)

January 13, 2007

Bon burns down Disney World

Bon outraged by "talking" bears before destroying Florida themepark; considered them "an affront to human decency"

Bon recently returned with his family from a trip to Orlando's Disney World, but not before burning the entire theme park to the ground.

Bon stated that he had taken his wife and children into one of the park's popular attractions the "Country Bear Jamboree", where Bon discovered what he considered a blasphemous horde of 'talking' and 'singing' bears.

Outraged by such a display that was clearly against nature, Bon destroyed the bears with multiple shotgun blasts before screaming children.

Bon then made haste to set the park ablaze.

"I could only imagine what other evil lay within this park, so I am certain I did the right thing. I had heard rumors of a "Haunted Mansion" and the reanimation of our deceased Presidents, plus a toad that purportedly could drive a car, though not very well. The toad must have been enchanted, by some witch I can only assume, in order to have the cognizant skill to drive a vehicle. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to destroy what this evil genius Walt Disney had created," Bon said.

Posted by Phil at 10:43 PM | Comments (25)

January 10, 2007

Abscam

To continue from Monday's post, the Playaz are not depressed by the mid-term elections bringing democratic control to Capitol Hill. Back in 1980, the Playaz set up "Abdul Enterprises, Ltd." in an effort to sway favors from various democratic party congressmen, as well as involve them in investment schemes, and going so far as to offer the use of the Playaz' private jet in exchange for their cooperation.

In particular, the FBI captured this video of an unidentified playa speaking with Congressman John Murtha.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me ask you now we're here together, I was under the impression, OK, and I told Wayne we were willing to pay. And OK, I went out and got the fifty thousand. From what you're telling me, OK, you're telling me that's not what, you know, that that's not what you...

MURTHA: I'm not interested in the Playaz Business Model.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: At this point.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: You know, we do business for a while, maybe I'll be interested, maybe I won't, you know.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me go over the Playaz Business Model with you. You give us the banks where you want the money deposited,

MURTHA: All right, how much money we talking about?

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Well, you tell me.

MURTHA: Well, let me find out what is a reasonable figure that will get their attention, because there are a couple of banks that have really done me some favors in the past, and I'd like to put some money in....

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: First we'll need your bank account numbers to make the deposit, and your social security number. Then, once the money has "cleared", you'll get 35%, just for holding the money for us, which we can't legally claim because of...you know..the government. Because this Nigerian doctor died, and he's my uncle and...well, it's a long story..

MURTHA: OK. My social is 345-51-XXXX, my bank account numbers are as follows....

Naturally, we then cleaned out his bank account, so that ended up really well for us.

Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM | Comments (12)

January 5, 2007

Kenny opts to use land previously planned for lavish estate as 'rock quarry'

What was originally to be a 20,000 square foot mansion for Kenny Rogers in Atlanta's posh Sandy Springs neighborhood instead will be used as Kenny's own personal dirt mound with pile of rocks.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution

(subscription only: simply use 'playazball at gmail.com' (don't spell out 'at' like I did) for the email address and password 'playa' to read article)

Posted by Phil at 5:02 PM | Comments (21)

January 4, 2007

Guv'na reportedly won back soul in fiddle-playing competition with Satan

Following Guv'na's miraculous return from the grave, it was finally revealed how the Guv'na mysteriously resurrected himself from a most certain eternity in Hades.

The Guv'na defeated Satan and won back his soul after a "fiddle duel" brought about from a challenge from Lucifer himself.

Long known to have a weakness to fiddle competitions, particularly against southern gentlemen, Satan approached Guv'na with the promise of a bargain. Engage in a battle of fiddling, whereby a victory by the Guv'na would guarantee not only a golden fiddle, but also the reclamation of his lost soul. A victory by the Devil, however, would result in a lifetime of servitude the Lord of Darkness, plus a Christmas card signed by all the Playaz.

A "heated" exchange ensued....The Devil dragged his bow with his chorus of demons and brought forth an evil hiss. Upon completion of the Devil's fiddle solo, the Guv'na replied "well, you're pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."

The Guv'na then played the following, in rapid sequence:

Ace Of Spades
Allentown Polka
Angeline The Baker
Arkansas Traveler
Ashoken Farewell
Back Up And Push
Beaumont Rag
Bill Cheatham
Billy In The Lowground
Bitter Creek
Black And White Rag
Black Eyed Suzie
Black Mountain Rag
Blackberry Blossom
Boil Them Cabbage Down
Bonaparte's Retreat
Brilliancy
Bully Of The Town
Calgary Polka
Cattle In The Cane
Champagne Polka
Chancellor's Waltz
Cherokee Shuffle
Chicken Reel
Chinky Pin
Chinquapin
Choctaw
Cincinnati Rag
Clarinet Polka
Cottoneyed Joe
Cottonpatch Rag
Cripple Creek
Cuckoo's Nest
Did You Ever See The Devil, Uncle Joe?
Dill Pickle Rag
Don't Let Your Deal Go Down
Done Gone
Down Yonder
Draggin' The Bow
Durang's Hornpipe
Durham's Bull
Dusty Miller
East Tennessee Blues
Eighth Of January
Festival Waltz
Fiddler's Dream
Fiddler's Waltz
Fifty Years Ago Waltz
Fire On The Mountain
Fireman's Reel
Fisher's Hornpipe
Flop Eared Mule
Forked Deer
Gardenia Waltz
Gaudette Polka
Georgianna Moon
German Waltz
Get Up John
Golden Eagle Hornpipe
Golden Slippers
Goodbye Liza Jane
Goodnight Waltz
Grandfather Polka
Grey Eagle
Hell Among The Yearlings
Herman's Rag
Highland Hornpipe
Home With The Girls In The Morning
Hop Light Ladies
Hotfoot
I Don't Love Nobody
Jack Of Diamonds
Jerusalem Ridge
Jesse Polka
Jolie Blonde
Katy Hill
Kelly's Waltz
Leather Britches
Lee Highway Blues
Liberty
Limerock
Listen To The Mockingbird
Little Beggarman
Lone Star Rag
Lonesome Fiddle Blues
Lonesome John
Lonesome Moonlight Waltz
Lost Highway Blues
Lost Indian
Maidens Prayer
Martin's Waltz
Memory Waltz
Midnight On The Water
Miss Mcleod's Reel
Mississippi Sawyer
Old Joe Clark
Over The Waterfall
Over The Waves
Paddy On The Turnpike
Rachel
Raggedy Ann
Ragtime Annie
Red Haired Boy
Red Wing
Road To Columbus
Rose Of Allenvale
Rose Of Sharon
Roxanna Waltz
Rubber Dolly
Rye Straw
Sail Away Ladies
Sally Ann
Sally Goodin
Sally Johnson
Salt River
Say Old Man
Snow Flake Reel
Soldiers Joy
Soppin' The Gravy
St. Anne's Reel
Star Of The County Down
Stone's Rag
Stoney Point
Sweetheart Schottische
Temperence Reel
Tennessee Wagoner
Texas Schottische
Tom And Jerry
Tugboat
Turkey In The Straw
Twinkle Little Star
Under The Double Eagle
Wagoner
Washington County
Wednesday Night Waltz
Westphalia Waltz
Whiskey Before Breakfast
Wild Fiddler's Rag
and
Year Of Jubilo

The Devil, conceding defeat, granted Guv'na his soul back.

"Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again," Guv'na said. "But I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Not being a sore winner, Guv'na gave Satan his mink coat. The Devil asked "Guv'na, does your mink bite?" The Guv'na replied, "No".

Posted by Phil at 10:10 PM | Comments (18)

December 31, 2006

Playaz oversee Brown and Ford funerals; each receive gold casket

The Playaz were placed in charge of the respective funerals of funk/R&B legend James Brown and former President Gerald Ford this week.

The Playaz lead the processional amongst a throng of fans and celebrity attendees to the Apollo Theater in New York, carrying the gold casket specially selected by the Playaz, in which Brown was later seen to be wearing a purple suit, rhinestone shoes and white gloves.

The Playaz were then asked to oversee former President Ford's funeral.

Upon hearing Mrs. Ford's selection of the traditional flag-covered casket and dark suit for her husband, the Playaz' immediately scrapped those ideas and provided a gold casket and purple suit for the ex-President as well.

"Mrs. Ford's choices were typical of a grieving widow. She has a lot on her mind, and probably wasn't really into planning the details of a funeral of this magnitude. The former leader of the United States should be buried as royalty, and thus we felt it befitting that Mr. Ford have a gold casket as well, and a purple suit with rhinestone shoes," the Playaz said. "We spared the U.S. taxpayers no expense."

Posted by Phil at 2:14 PM | Comments (15)

December 20, 2006

A Christmas Miracle!

And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.

But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.

And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."

But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.

And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."

And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.

Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM | Comments (373)

December 18, 2006

I had a dream

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (11)

December 14, 2006

Failure to comply with email-forwarding instructions now Number 1 cause of death*

Playaz' studies have shown that the American public's refusal to forward emails despite specific instructions to do so have resulted in fatalaties that are now the leading cause of death, overtaking lung cancer and heart disease.

Examples of the types of emails we are talking about can be found here, or, typically have a poem or story about "friends" with a message of hope or inspiration, with a disclaimer that unless forwarded instantly to a pre-determined number of people, certain death will befall you.

A while back, we received this email (with the instructions "Read alone (do not delete)" -- Note: DO NOT DISREGARD THESE INSTRUCTIONS EITHER, THEY ARE IMPORTANT):

Read Alone.....

Especially the Poem

I believe whatever is in store for us will be for us.

The poem is very true, unfortunately.

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.

Then one day when she went to lunch David proposed!

She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min.

When she got to her office, ! ! she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it.

BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem and being the believer that she was she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.

Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.

Later that night when she left to get to her car, she was killed in that spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview with a really big company, ! when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years.

Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.

Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem: Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine but we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner, yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend. Remember to always say what you mean.

If you love someone, tell them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people.

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

*NOTE*

the more people that you send this to, the better

luck you will have.

Whew.....it's so true...Pretty scary, isn't it? This email alone has killed over 243,756 people because they deleted it. There are others out there just like it.

MY GOD, PEOPLE!! DON'T YOU WANT TO LIVE?? DO YOU WANT YOUR LOVED ONES TO LIVE?? What must we do to convince you, DO NOT DELETE THESE EMAILS!!

Bon himself deleted this email, then 10 minutes later overdosed on cocaine.

Fortunately, he survived, but only because Wayne was able to act quickly enough to forward the email to 35 people (enough to cause Bon to merely have his stomach pumped and require a small amount of rehabilitation).

*Based on the Playaz personal medical expertise and best guess

Posted by Phil at 2:52 PM | Comments (18)

December 10, 2006

Outrage!!

For the second year in a row, Playaz Ball has been shut out of the "precious" D.C. Blog Superlatives.

I really don't know what else to do. And I don't want to hear "well, you aren't in Washington D.C." baloney. Neither are most of you. I mean, Kathryn lives in some Virginia suburb. That isn't D.C. Plus, we've long been listed on D.C. Blogs which is about as official a blog listing as one can get. We might as well be in your telephone books. Yet, for some strange reason, we don't win jack squat.

I'll give you the listing of the "winners":

Best Overall Blog: DC Blogs

Yeah - a guy whose blog is just a list of all the blogs wins for the "best"? Give me a break! All he did was copy/paste your link and he gets your acclaim? I voted for myself, of course.

Best Buns: BettyJoan

I have never actually seen BettyJoan's buns, but I'll bet they are not as nice as these...

That's Tac, and that's just one of us. The rest of our buttocks are sublime. We should have won this one too.

Best Breasts: Kathryn

Fair enough. I split my vote, giving one-half of a vote for one of D.C. Cookie's breasts, and one-half vote for one of V.P. Dior's.

Best Smile: I-66

Just because I-66 was a "child actor" does not automatically qualify him for "best smile". Take a look at this winning smile...

Any more questions? I didn't think so. I win this one running away.

Best Grammar: Tie Ashburnite/Kathryn

Please. This is like winning the "perfect attendance" award in high school. I would be ashamed to win this award. Next.

Biggest Flirt: KassyK

Has KassyK ever flirted her way into a 3-way with Dian Parkinson and Lindsay Wagner? I doubt it.

Class Clown: Virgle Kent

Virgle is a large man and could very well beat me, but there is no way he is funnier than me. Has Virgle introduced hilarious new words into the english language?

Mr./Mrs. Congeniality: I-66

I am very congenial and anyone who disagrees is a complete jackass!!

Biggest Lush: Heather B

Again, I offer more photographic evidence to the contrary.

Most Controversial: Roosh V

Nothing says "controversy" like a man with a mustache. You never know where he's coming from. Could be good, like Burt Reynolds..could be evil, like Mr. Belvedere. When Roosh shaves his beard and leaves a french tickler behind, give me call.

Most Likely to Stop Blogging by 2007: DC Cookie

No one is more likely to stop blogging in 2007 than me! Not only do I have carpal tunnel syndrome, but I also resent having to entertain you all each and every week. (However, I will admit I cast my vote for KOB of DC Blogs, presuming he will die unexpectedly of bird flu in 2007)

Most Likely to Be A Therapist: Kathryn

When he was alive, there was no better therapist than the Guv'na.

Most Mysterious: Washington Cube

Washington Cube is really a 49 year old man named Kermit Henderson who lives in Fairfax. Did I just blow your mind? Not so mysterious anymore, is he?

Posted by Phil at 9:24 PM | Comments (23)

November 29, 2006

Bon to replace lead singer of The Wiggles

The hugely popular children's group The Wiggles announced that Bon will be replacing it's lead singer, "the Yellow Wiggle" Greg Page, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

Page has fallen to serious illness and has been absent from recent performances.

The Australian group announced there would be no major changes to the television show or their concerts. However, it was noted that there have been some immediate differences since Bon has joined the group. The once popular concerts have incorporated a great deal more satanic imagery, including ritualistic simulated "sacrifices" on stage, as well as loud heavy-metal music. Parents report the new show frightens most children and are not sure about Bon's influence on the group.

One Wiggle, wishing to remain anonymous, stated that Bon has introduced hallucinogenic drugs to the group to "get the creative juices flowing". He further stated that Wiggle "Jeff's" narcolepsy is not an act, but actually episodes of that Wiggle passing out from an overdose of drugs supplied by Bon. "The children love to shout "Wake up, Jeff!" whenever this happens, but in reality it all started when we became seriously concerned about Jeff falling unconscious because of Bon's drugs, to where we were screaming at him to wake up. We were legitimately afraid he had died. It's sad, really."

Bon looks forward to reaping the financial windfall from leading the Wiggles, Australia's top earning celebrities.

Posted by Phil at 9:01 AM | Comments (18)

November 27, 2006

Holiday traffic

The Playaz are stuck in traffic due to all the holiday travellers.

We were sidetracked in part due to a bet between Bon and I over the Georgia Tech / Georgia game this past weekend. Since Tech lost, I owe him the severed head of former President Jimmy Carter (if Georgia had lost, Bon would have owed me 75 pounds of fried peach pies from the Varsity).

We will return as soon as possible. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Posted by Phil at 10:53 AM | Comments (13)

November 18, 2006

Beefcake

Sour n Sweet has posted a few bloggers' likenesses if they were South Park characters, including a band of mustachioed gentlemen you'll be sure to recognize.

Posted by Phil at 8:14 AM | Comments (8)

November 16, 2006

School photos

My girls recently had their school photos taken:

One looks like she's having her mug shot taken, the other like she's high on comet dust. Maybe that's what happened...

(Sigh)... how they've grown...

Posted by Phil at 9:52 PM | Comments (20)

November 15, 2006

Playaz present at the BET hip-hop awards in Atlanta

Earlier this week the Playaz strolled down the red carpet at Atlanta's Fox Theater as presenters for the BET Hip-Hop Awards.

Phil and Tac presented the "Whitest Rapper" award, and in a surprise tribute, called to the stage the mothers of The Notorious B.I.G., Tupac Shakur, and The Guv'na, calling an end to violence with guns against other popular rappers and accidentally backing over people.

The BET Awards will air tonight at 9 p.m.

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (114)

October 31, 2006

Problem solved

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been enjoying the serenity of nature up here at "Crystal Lake".

But these kids....do you find teenagers get more stupid and annoying as you get older? I can't go to the movie theater anymore without wanting to beat one of them senseless.

So my problem, you ask...how can you relax when kids are constatntly getting on your nerves with their inane antics and tomfoolery, arm-wrestling each other, constantly making out, and general disregard for their elders?

Well, I decided to murder them.

Yes, I killed each and every one here, with every manner of blade, saw, spear, pick-axe, hammer claw, or crow bar I could get my hands on. I even shish-ka-bobbed one couple while they were making love to one another, completely unaware to my presence in the nearby closet.

And as usual, I was wearing my favorite Atlanta Flames hockey mask I had gotten many years ago, and still wear to this day whenever watching the new Thrashers team (superstition I guess), which really seemed to spook people....you should have seen the looks on their faces right before I drove a machete through them!

I even tried to kill "Betsy"...a girl that I was quite fond of, actually, but I couldn't just go half-way with this thing...however, she got away with only some superficial lacerations.

One other strange thing - something else was out there...I couldn't figure it out, but some of the kids were already dead before I even had a chance to bust out of the pantry and jab an ice pick into their foreheads. As if, someone were helping me....it was an evil presence, I could detect that....something familiar, yet....Oh, well. No sense looking a gift horse in the mouth, as they say.

Oh, Betsy....what ever became of you?

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:27 PM | Comments (12)

October 30, 2006

Retreat

I am taking a long weekend up here at the lake.

It's not bad, except there are many incredibly annoying teenagers around.

The lake itself is beautiful, although, there are persistent rumors that someone or something lives in it.

At any rate, I am enjoying the changing leaves and cool, crisp air. If it weren't for these kids, it would be perfect.

God, I hate them.

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM | Comments (16)

October 9, 2006

Pope Benedict requests meeting with Phil; has "lots of good ideas" for Playaz Ball

Pope Benedict XV called for an emergency meeting with Phil in the Vatican City Sunday, saying he had "lots of good ideas" for upcoming Playaz Ball posts.

Phil graciously met with the head of the Roman Catholic Church, exchanging pleasantries since last seeing each other at Playaz Ball 2006.

"The Pope is a nice guy and all, but ever since we invited him to Playaz Ball, he's been a little 'over the top', so to speak," Phil said. Asked to elaborate, Phil said, "well, constant emails, phone calls, letters with sketches or ideas he's written down of stuff he wants us to do...not very good stuff either. A month ago he sent me something saying he wanted to have me, him, Wayne, Tac, and Kenny go to Mars with R2D2 or something...it just didn't make any sense! I mean, what would we be doing going to Mars?"

The Pope reportedly begged Phil to replace The Guv'na, submitting a photograph of himself to help persuade the Playaz.

Following the meeting, Phil and Tac put away the Pope's list of ideas along with all of his previous suggestions.

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (6)

October 6, 2006

The Answer to yesterday's question:

Yes, that's right. But not to fear, readers, all is well. Comforted by the steady hands of former heavyweight champion of the world Larry Holmes, I had a colonoscopy due to some complications recently with my digestive tract.

Larry detected some heavy pockets of cheeto residue that had built up in my system, and advised that it could easily be flushed out with bourbon and comet dust.

Posted by Phil at 1:24 PM | Comments (23)

October 5, 2006

What do Katie Couric and I have in common?

Hint: It is not that we both have a mustache.

See you next week.

But before I go I will leave you with this find from Restaurant Gal, she of "Brush with Kenny" fame.

While doing some shopping recently, she came across this spiral-bound notebook:

Highly recommended for any kids who want to be considered as having the "cool" school supplies. I use it myself to keep appointments and ideas recorded.

Thanks for the photo, RG.

Posted by Phil at 9:09 AM | Comments (13)

October 3, 2006

China applauds Bon's "Animal Olympics" before feasting on animals

Chinese dignitaries and audience members were treated to a special show of animal athleticism by Bon and the Playaz, featuring weight-lifting chimpanzees, bear gymnastics, and zebra fighting.

Chinese officials in attendance applauded Bon's extravaganza before joining the Playaz at a special invitation dinner where they feasted on the very animals who performed the amazing feats earlier in the day.

The event was nearly marred when Bon got into an altercation with a kangaroo - which was thought to be a boxing exhibition by the patrons in attendance - but was actually a disagreement over the kangaroo's refusal to participate in the long jump competition, which ultimately led to blows between Bon and the kangaroo.

Bon stated that he also wanted to show to the world that he only serves the fittest animals at his restaurants, and not necessarily the fattest or slowest as may have been insinuated by the Elizabeth Taylor article below.

There were several protesters outside the event, outraged by what they called "cruelty to animals". Chinese citizens who were in attendance called the protests "ironic".

Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (71)

October 2, 2006

A picture speaks a thousand words

I don't have a post today, but the recent comments made in the posts below recalling the days of Georgia Championship Wrestling, the old WWF, WCW, etc., made me think of this old photo I had lying around:

It's always been one of my favorites, and I think no further explanation is really necessary.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (9)

September 28, 2006

Bon feeds Elizabeth Taylor to sharks

Bon recently fed washed up Hollywood movie star Elizabeth Taylor to the sharks.

Conceptual photograph of a shark consuming Ms. Taylor

In what was thought to be something of a sight-seeing tour for Taylor, the "National Velvet" star got an "up-close-and-personal" view of a great white as she was lowered carefully into the water, then left unprotected amongst a swirl of chum, and summarily devoured by a Great White Shark.

Bon stated that he was running low on shark fin soup at his "Kenny & Bon's" restaurant, and decided that a portly Taylor would fit the bill as the perfect bait. The suddenly sluggish, bloated shark was then very easy to catch, Bon added.

Posted by Phil at 1:21 PM | Comments (5)

September 13, 2006

The mysteries of The Playaz

While the origins of the Playaz remain a bit of a mystery to most of our readership, I have filled you in from time to time with tidbits of information that reveal our past and how we came to be. Many of you consider these to be "stories" that I have made up, intersecting our lives with those of interesting characters who never really knew us. However, I tell it to you, the people and places and their connection to the Playaz is very real.

While reading the paper today, I noticed that Vernon Klaudt of the Klaudt Indian Family passed away in Atlanta, GA. His mother, Lillian White Corn Little Soldier, was a direct descendant of Sitting Bull. Along with his father, Reverend Reinhold Klaudt, his brothers and sisters formed the Klaudt Indian Family gospel band (not to be confused with Tommy Seebach's performance in the posting below).

Brother Ken Klaudt (on the far left of the photo) was very influential in mine and Bon's early life. The great great grandson of Sitting Bull taught young Bon and I how to survive.

As wee Playaz, Ken taught us the survival skills we would ultimately need when making amphibious assaults, swimming dangerous rip-tide currents whether to escape incarceration on remote islands or attack sea creatures, or any sub-aquatic related activity we might later perform in life.

Ken made our transition from dry land to liquid surfaces easy - blowing bubbles face down in the water...how to float...not easy tasks for an uncertain 4 or 5 year old youngster.

In addition to imparting ancient wisdom passed down to him from generations of Indian heritage, he taught us to swim.

So today's post is to tip the Kangol to a great family who played an intregal part in at least two Playaz' lives, and to wish Brother Vernon a safe sojourn into the Big Sky.

*Phil's note: My apologies for what I consider less-than-Playaesque posts of late. I have been extremely busy and promise to ramp up next week with new posts, that I hope to be entertaining, to make up for some lost time. Thanks for your patience.

Posted by Phil at 12:53 PM | Comments (13)

September 7, 2006

Playaz to capitalize on "celebrity poop" craze sweeping nation

In light of recent public interest in the auctioning of Suri Cruise's bronzed poop, expected to bring upwards of $20-30,000 on the open market, the Playaz are stepping in to capitalize on America's fascination with celebrity poop.

The Playaz have already secured specially treated fecal samples of Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes ready for your trophy case, and will have it and tastefully displayed it on a bronze base with an engraved plaque attached noting who excreted the poop, where, and a hologram noting the feces' authenticity.

Imagine having a conversation piece such as this, or, being able to tell your friends what Larry Holmes had to eat prior to the night of his heavyweight bout with Ernie Shavers!

There is the possibility of special orders, or "poop on demand", from customers requesting a 'command performance' from either Kenny or Larry, giving them a one-of-a-kind creation.

The Playaz also hinted that they had the petrified feces of former country singer Conway Twitty, after a troubling bowel movement that occurred following an all-night binge of Jack Daniels, bratwursts, cheese, and cocaine by Conway. It is rumored that this sculpture could fetch up to $1,000,000.

Phil: No, I'm not joking. Click the link.

Posted by Phil at 8:39 AM | Comments (15)

September 1, 2006

3 Day Weekend!!

Time to dance!

Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM | Comments (20)

August 31, 2006

Controversy Thursday: Hell List *

In response to DC Cookie's post from a previous "Controversy Thursday", the Playaz contend that Hell is a very real place and offer the following list of people who are currently burning in hell:

Peter Jennings

Christopher Reeve

Fred Rogers

Walt Disney

Ronald Reagan

Nipsey Russell

Jimmy Stewart

John F. Kennedy

Robert F. Kennedy

John Kennedy, Jr.

John Kennedy Jr's girlfriend

Jacqueline O. Kennedy

Rose Kennedy

Ghandi

Lou Gherig

Robert Reed (Mr. Brady)

Vic Tayback

Audrey Hepburn

Jerry Garcia

Tupac Shakur

Notorious BIG

Dana Plato

Kurt Cobain

Theodor Geisel (Dr Suess)

George Harrison

John Lennon

Charles Schulz

Pearl Bailey

Rosemary Clooney

Sammy Davis Jr

The Andrews sisters

Mabel King

Shirley Hemphill

Lloyd Bentsen

Amelia Earhart

Princess Di

Elizabeth, the Queen Mother

Jacques Cousteau

Gus Grissom

Richard Pryor

Shelley Winters

Adolf Hitler

Pat Morita

Rosa parks

Thurgood Marshall

Mary Kay

Estee Lauder

Ann landers

Charles Kuralt

Hellen Keller

Burl Ives

Chris Penn

Salvador Dali

Burt Lancaster

June Pointer (the Pointer Sisters)

3/5ths of the Dionne Quintuplets

Eddie Rabbitt

Andre the Giant

The Guv'na

Jeffrey Dahmer

Aaron Spelling

Bob Keeshan

Tony Randall

Jerry Orbach

The Rockefellers

Calvin Cooledge

Bruno Kirby

Tiny Tim

Orson Wells

Maria Esther de Capovilla (formerly world's oldest person)

Col. Sanders

Paul Lynde

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Rock Hudson

Donna Reed

Marlin Perkins

Scatman Crothers

Billy Carter

Jim Backus

Shirley Booth

Arthur Ashe

Irving "Swifty" Lazar

Richard Nixon

Eng and Chang Bunker (Siamese Twins)

Eva Gabor

Wolfman Jack

Ella Fitzgerald

Linda McCartney

Walter Payton

Dave Thomas

Nell Carter

*this is a sampling of people currently burning for eternity in Hades, and is not a complete listing.

Posted by Phil at 8:45 AM | Comments (108)

August 29, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: My guide to San Francisco

Greetings everyone! I am back from the Golden State, and would like to share with you the sights of San Francisco.

My wife and I arrived Friday morning, checked in to our hotel and immediately went out to take in the city by the bay. After flying on our jet for the past 5 hours, we were a bit hungry and were on the lookout for some good food. We set course for the infamous Fisherman's Wharf.

Imagine my suprise and delight when I spotted this sign:

Yes! Did you know San Francisco has a Denny's, and that it is just like the Denny's that you and I are familiar with? Neither did I! It was an amazing experience, to think that I was sitting in Denny's thousands of miles from home in San Francisco, eating pancakes just like I could at home!

After that delicious experience, we ventured down to Pier 39, where I had heard San Fran had a bit of a walrus problem or something and Bon had asked me to check it out for him.

Well, we never made it to the walruses because we were too busy staring in wonderment of this exotic city. First there was "Ripley's Believe It or Not!". A museum of oddities and eccentricities the likes of which you have never seen - like the man who could make his eyes bug out of his head, or a gentleman in India who once swallowed $37 in pennies.

Plus, imagine my suprise wandering by this window to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

Was it?? No! It was the Wax Museum! These life-like and creepy wax statues captivated us for hours. I stared at Yao Ming for over 45 minutes. Donald Trump looked just like he was saying "Phil, you're fired!" Ha! Ha!!

Here's another thing: they had amongst the multitude of shops on the bay an NFL Store where you could purchase apparrel for any NFL team of your choice. I thought about buying a San Francisco 49er's jersey, but instead bought an authentic Atlanta Falcons jersey for $275. I mean, Atlanta is my favorite team, and I can say "I bought this in San Francisco"!

(Speaking of unique purchases, I almost bought this Christmas Ornament, which strangely resembled our own Wayne, but as a mermaid. A possible lawsuit may stem from this.)

They also had a McDonald's that was very cool, and my wife and I ate lunch there every day.

So, after that incredible experience, we checked out of our hotel near Union Square and promptly moved to the Wharf. Everything you could imagine was right there. Sure, I know what you're saying, "But Phil, didn't you explore anyplace else? Lombard Street? Chinatown? Sausalito? Tiburon?" No. There was no reason to go anywhere else, when all the entertainment we wanted was right there, plus, with Denny's and McDonald's nearby, we knew we could get good food that we were familiar with.

I did, however, try one new restaurant that was recommended to me by Rock Creek Rambler, and that was Town Hall.

I put on my best turtleneck and we ventured back across the city to the restaurant, and frankly, I didn't care for what I saw. The menu was all strange with dishes that I couldn't make heads or tails of. I asked the waitress if she had anything resembling the "Grand Slam Breakfast" you could get at Denny's. She gave me a puzzled look and said "No". So, we left and went to Denny's. Thanks, but no thanks, RCR. You see, we know exactly what we are getting at Denny's. At places like these, you have no idea what you're going to get. So stick with what you know, and keep it simple, is my motto.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I ran into these ladies, Vivian and Marian, the San Francisco Twins.

They were very nice and we chatted a bit. Although they've got nothing on my girls, the Atlanta Twins.

Posted by Phil at 9:42 AM | Comments (24)

August 28, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: San Francisco..coming soon

I have been mourning the untimely death of The Guv'na and decided to get out of town for the weekend.

I will update you soon with my own personal guide to San Fracisco.

Posted by Phil at 12:09 PM | Comments (14)

August 15, 2006

Hugo Chavez presents portrait of Wayne to ailing Cuban dictator

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez presented a canvas portrait of Wayne to the ailing Fidel Castro, regaling him with tales of Playaz Ball to lift the communist dictator's spirits.

"Tell me, Senor Chavez -- how went Playaz Ball '06?" the feeble Castro asked.

"You wouldn't believe it!" exclaimed Chavez. "They has pistoles, and a beaver, and drugs!...it was freakin' hilarious, man!"

"Ohhh..." said a wistful Castro. "I only wish my health had been better and that I could find the strength to access playazball.com to see their antics," he pined. "This portrait you have given me will give me the inspiration to recover, so that I may read more of the Playaz as I lead the Cuban people into the future."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (18)

August 9, 2006

Kenny Rogers tells Atlanta Journal "I made more money than that"...Playa-style

Kenny made it a point today to correct the Atlanta Journal for absurdly reporting that Kenny might not have made money on his recent home sale, saying he made much more money on his Buckhead mansion than the paper led us to believe. The paper had stated Rogers' home was purchased for $8.5 million when he had been asking $10 million. Kenny let them know they had short-changed him and to come correct:

"that was strictly for the real estate. It was $8.5 million for the real estate. And then the rest of it was for all the furnishings that I put in — and I made a profit on that," adding, "I made a lot of money on it." - courtesy of Richard Eldredge for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Kenny then expounds on his mastery of the real estate market here in Atlanta, hinting at a partnership with Donald Trump.

You may read the full report at ajc.com. (second story down - registration may be required)

Posted by Phil at 12:25 PM | Comments (28)

July 12, 2006

Bizarro Kenny

In what is a little-known fact, there is a menace that exists here on our Earth...a menace that has plagued and beleaguered the Playaz for many, many years. I am talking about Bizarro Kenny.

Bizarro Kenny is a grotesque imitation of Kenny Rogers, the world's greatest country singer and musician. Bizarro Kenny was formed from lifeless matter and takes on the physical features of Kenny, but is backwards in every way from the real Kenny. That imperfect and disturbing creation is Michael McDonald.

Brought into being by a duplicator ray created by the Doobie Brothers (well-known arch nemesis to Kenny Rogers and his rock group "First Edition"), Bizarro Kenny was created from the DNA of Kenny Rogers into human form.

Bizarro Kenny has a chalky, pale complexion and a misshapen face, unlike Kenny's own god-like appearance.

Bizarro Kenny lives in a bizarro world, where it is considered a good thing to make crappy music, or to sing in an obnoxious manner. He does things opposite of Kenny. For example, Bizarro Kenny often sings "MoTown" hits made popular by the likes of great singers such as Smokey Robinson, Ottis Redding, and Marvin Gaye despite Bizarro Kenny's incredible white-ness. Also, whereas Kenny Rogers will sing you the classic tune "Ruby", Bizarro Kenny will sing worn-out and incredibly cliched song "Ain't No Mountian High Enough".

Kenny Rogers and Bizarro Kenny have done battle many times, yet Kenny has been unable to permanently rid the world of Bizarro Kenny. The Playaz despise him as much as any musical artist.

Bizarro Kenny has often referred to himself as "the greatest singer of all" in his backward world, yet has been quoted as saying "Me don't belong in world of living people! Me don't know difference between right and wrong - good music and bad!"

Help us rid the world of Bizarro Kenny, won't you?

Posted by Phil at 9:13 AM | Comments (21)

July 10, 2006

Pamplona, Spain kicks off 9-day festival with "Running of the Playaz"

The northern Spanish city of Pamplona kicked off their annual festival and countdown to Playaz Ball with it's annual "Running of the Playaz".

This morning, at 8 a.m., the Playaz were let loose from a holding pen onto Santo Domingo Street, at which point they were free to run the .8 kilometer route into the city's bullring where throngs of excited and terrified fans await them.

Typically, thousands of fans of the Playaz run along side trying both to get near the Playaz, yet maintain a safe distance. The size of the crowd, and the unpredictability of the Playaz, adds to the risk involved in the experience.

"Most fans view the Playaz as friendly persons who are rather harmless," one experienced runner was quoted as saying. "But underestimating them can be a fatal mistake," he added.

Fortunately, the 3 minute run resulted in only one serious injury. Playaz fan Steve Skalish was inadvertently gored when he allowed himself to get too close to Bon. Undeterred, Skalish was quoted as saying "it was a great experience, and I'd do it again."

The Playaz are expected to head to Italy sometime next week on the last leg of their European trek before Playaz Ball 2006.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (14)

July 7, 2006

Jumping Snake River Canyon not so difficult

I really don't see what the big deal was. Jumping Snake River Canyon simply isn't that difficult.

With a Playaz custom-built Skycycle, I successfully jumped the 1,580 feet across the canyon with nothing more than a healthy dose of comet dust and a Honda 250 dirtbike stabilized by a rocket shell with fins and rocket booster. A few hay bails strategically placed on the other side of the canyon served to break my fall.

Evel Knievel failed in 1974 when his version of the skycycle crashed in the river below.

Really, what's the big deal? I can't count the number of times the Playaz have jumped our Lincoln Continental across the fountain when arriving at Caesar's Palace.

So, with nothing to do (since Tac was busy administering Ken Lay potassium chloride in the middle of the night, Guv'na was selling phony Coke recipes to Pepsi, Bon was partying with the Japanese Prime Minister, and Wayne was at the beach with Jessica Simpson), I built a rocket-cycle and headed to Idaho.

Evel Knievel was highly overrated.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM | Comments (11)

June 30, 2006

United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth

Only 230 years old and in that time we've: Beat the crap out of England, beat the crap out of Indians, beat the crap out the Spanish & Mexicans, beat the crap out of ourselves, beat the crap out of Germany (twice), beat the crap out of Italy, beat the crap out of Japan, beat the crap out of Korea, almost beat the crap out of Vietnam, made some sweet moolah off of Iraq & Iran, beat the crap out of Iraq, then beat the crap out of Iraq again, and are keeping out the Mexicans with a gigantic fence.

I'm pretty sure we also invented "Tivo", the greatest invention ever.

U.S. is the best, and don't let anyone tell you different.

Have a happy and safe fourth of July, everyone.

Posted by Phil at 7:42 AM | Comments (130)

June 28, 2006

Playaz to deploy Larry Holmes as 'Human Cannonball' against North Korean missiles

Sounds like Kim Jong-Il is not living up to his end of the bargain any longer.

The U.S. has summoned the Playaz for assistance once again. And once again, we have a solution:

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (21)

June 23, 2006

Fan Mail

Many of you email us from time to time, and we read and reply to each and every email we receive. Friday I received an email from a young man who works at Lord West, a tuxedo rental store as best I can tell. I have decided to share with you this engaging and delightful email from "jeffs".

I have posted them in the order they were exchanged.

Note: The below email contains some partially edited profanity. If you are under the age of 18, please turn off your computer immediately.

From: jeffs
To: playaz@playazball.com
Re: GAY
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 2:26 PM

BOOOOOOO!!! WEBSITE SUCKS C_CK!!!!!!

On 6/23/06, Phil wrote:
(laughing) What??
P.S. Your tuxedos suck c--k.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:13 PM
To: Phil

Tuxedos? Did you go to tuxedos.com ? Ever wear a tuxedo? Or are you to busy running around in gay customes and sh*tty photoshop work? Every Image on your website is sh*t, Looks like someone just picked up Microsoft paint and try to do something with it, Learn some photoshop skills and design skill. Playaz ball, should be homo ball, Looks like a bunch of grown ass men trying to be funny with a sh*tty website, and the name Playaz ball lol ever touch a women besides your ugly ass wife?

On 6/23/06 3:23 PM, "Phil" wrote:
Costumes? Photoshop?

Your tuxedo store is obviously not refined enough to know good taste when they see it. I would never rent one from your store, based on what you've told me here.

As far as women goes: ever hear of "Dian Parkinson"? That should tell you all you need to know.

Our site is serious, and is not designed to be funny.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:35 PM
To: Phil

Store? Rent? This is not a tuxedo store, we handle big names like Ralph lauren, Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis,
Ecko Unltd, and I’m a graphic Designer for this company. We don’t rent. We sell to stores that do rent. Now whats so serious about your site? First look , I though it was couple guys trying to make a funny site called playaz ball. Which I though was a joke. Explain your site because your front page doesn’t do anything if it is a real site. Dian Parkinson, No never heard of her, Well maybe I did, old playboy model. I am sure shes old and washed up now.

On 6/23/06 4:00 PM, "Phil" wrote:

I see, the big names. Well I would love something high-end, like this: Link

I think the ascot is a nice touch, and right up my alley. I am a 46 long. And give me a coat with as many buttons down the front as will fit.

No the site is not funny at all. I think that may be where your confusion and anger have set in. It is five of us, and we report to you on our activities.

As far as the design and your self-proclaimed expertise, here's an idea: Why don't you pay us to do design work to our site to improve it?

And how dare you, sir, declare Ms Parkinson "old and washed up"!! !!!!!!!1!!!one!

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Phil

Lol, I’m only 22, Shes before my time. I don’t know about paying you, but you can pay me to improve your site . Good luck

On 6/23/06 4:16 PM "Phil" wrote:

She could teach you a lesson or two in the ways of love, young man.

You obviously don't understand how our business model works. You may go here for reference: Link

I'm suprised you