April 27, 2008

Posted by Phil at 3:58 PM | Comments (5)

December 11, 2007

Milk was a bad choice

Many of you have inquired as to my whereabouts and well-being, and why I have not been posting as frequently. I get calls from people like Fidel Castro, letters from Jimmy Carter - people from all over the globe asking "what happened to the Playaz?".

I have been very ill now for the last several months with a chronic disorder that has all but interrupted my normal Playa lifestyle. I have lost approximately 50 lbs. since September, and in my weakened state have simply not been able to post as frequently as I'd like.

Wayne is back safely, for those of you who recall his mysterious absence from Playaz Ball, and there is a wild tale regarding his rescue and return which I will hopefully share with you in the near future.

I have been undergoing treatment these several months, but their results have been marginal thus far, and slow to take effect.

As a result, I have opted to try a different path in conjunction with my doctor currently treating me. I have heard many good things about traditional Chinese Medicine and their benefits to people with conditions such as mine. I bumped into an Asian fellow a few weeks ago and I asked him "who is the top China-man here in the States who can help treat me for my ailments?". The man became offended and walked off without answering me (apparently, it has come to my attention that the term "China-man" is offensive to people of Asian ethnicity. It was my understanding that the Asian race was the last group of people that it was okay to be racially derogatory towards, without any social repercussions. I guess I am wrong).

Anyway, I did locate someone and tomorrow I am flying to Los Angeles to meet with Dr. Mao, where he will no doubt stab me with needles and prescribe comet dust tea for me to drink.

Wish me luck, and I hope to return to your world very soon.

All my best,
Phil

(comments have been deactivated as I have been swamped with spam these past few months)

Posted by Phil at 11:39 AM

November 11, 2007

Toy recall baffles Playaz

The Playaz were highly confused by a recent mandated recall of a toy invented by the Playaz that has proven to be wildly popular in countries such as Australia.

"We were expecting to reap big profits for Christmas this season. This toy appeals to children and stalkers alike," said Bon. "Parents might actually find it to be a nice sedative for hyperactive children," he added.

This is not the first toy the Playaz invented that has been recalled. In 2003, toy vehicles that had 1:100 scale 50mm turrets mounted to them that fired live ammunition were deemed unsafe, and in 2000, the popular "Bag O' Cats", which was a burlap sack full of cats, was pulled off the shelves as well.

Bon is seen in toy development in 2003

Posted by Phil at 4:47 PM | Comments (6)

October 16, 2007

Posted by Phil at 3:03 PM | Comments (8)

October 9, 2007

Wayne?

Posted by Phil at 12:34 PM | Comments (3)

October 3, 2007

"....you know for years I provided Burt and Loni with all their wigs. They came to me. Then they split up...big mistake. But I'm rambling....Anyway, I said to Guv'na 'if you're saying you wouldn't do that to her if presented to you, even if it were 100% cleaned, sterilized, whatever you wanted, you sir are a bald-faced liar! You know you wouldn't be able to say no!'....say have you guys seen a guy named "Wayne"? He's our attorney and he's been missing a while over here somewhere."

Posted by Phil at 4:49 PM | Comments (10)

October 1, 2007

The Onion is stealing from me again

Just because I get lost in the plains of Africa searching for Wayne and stop posting on a regular basis, doesn't mean The Onion can start ripping me off again. Well, technically they're stealing from my Mom.

Here's the offending story.

Of course, you all remember my Mom, who coined the phrase.

And here's their previous effort to lift their news straight from Playaz Ball.

(comments are now open again)

Posted by Phil at 9:48 AM | Comments (9)

September 26, 2007

"Wayne?.."

9/27
DEAR PHIL,
PLEASE IS MY INTEREST TO KNOW IF MR.WAYNE HAS ARRIVED BACK AMERICA BECAUSE AM AFRAID THAT IT COULD BE THAT HE HAS GOT MISSED FOR EVER,AS YOU STATED IN ONE OF YOUR WEBSITE THAT YOU SENT HIM TO GHANA TO MEET ME BUT YOU NEVER HAD OF HIM OR HE NEVER RETURN BACK TO STATES.

WHAT IS THE CURRENT NEWS ABOUT HIM,KINDLY UPDATE ME HIS WAY ABOUT.

AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR MAIL REPLY AT THE SWIFTEST REGARDING HIS LOCATION THIS MOMENT.

BEST REGARDS.
MR.SHERIFF

Posted by Phil at 3:05 PM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2007

I'm not sure where to start.

As I type this, I feel weak. The mind wanders. The turtleneck does not fit as snugly as it once did, revealing the manly brawn of my physique. I have survived these maladies before....Am I beaten?

Let me back up.

Playaz Ball 2007....Wayne was sent to Ghana to settle the situation with Mr. Sheriff once and for all. Mysteriously, Wayne went missing. Had he fallen into the clutches of Mr. Mike Teigaga? Been lingering in an opium den? Fallen for a native lass and settled on a farm raising hyenas?

Dear Phil,

Listen and listen properly, don't behave shizzy in regarding the arrival of your delegates. As you know I run things and things never run me, however I have call your business a speedy attention and you slack behind, he who fight and run away will live to fight another, however is a shame seeing you kidding and with characteristic of childish plays.

You are afraid to become a Financial Dada, so therefore you will remain the same in your state of finance; no addition and increase of cash that so called PLAYAZ INC.

Your habitual character has pissed me off your line; however continue at work and in meeting down here with Mr. Mike Teigaga and his associates. I stand strong to tell you any thing mike and his associates can do I must do it the best to your admirable, loveable and choose able.

I await your swift and speedy mail reply to enable me and you to conclude for no further as you wish.

Best Regards,

Mr. Sheriff.

Wayne apparently did not make his connection with Mr. Sheriff.

He could have faked his own death, which the Playaz are often want to do - but Wayne surely would have alerted me to this in order to collect the insurance money prior to his plan. No, something else is a-miss.

Upon the realization of this we had to rescue Wayne. But we had a problem. We spent all of our money on Playaz Ball.

Oh, Why did Bon insist on purchasing the more expensive 'Benjamin Moore' paints for Huff Night?! Did Larry Holmes really need a $20,000.00 per diem? But this is how the Playaz roll.

Now, no fuel for the jet to bring Wayne back, wherever he is.

After scouring the countryside, I needed sustenance. Finally spotting a 'Kenny & Bon's', I found my need was their supply (that and of course the Playaz always eat free at Kenny & Bon's). I mistakenly ordered the "diet" platter of K&B roast goose, which comes with a side of tapeworms. Now, 1 month later, I am an emaciated version of my former self - weakened by these parasites. I look ridiculous with only 1 chin!!

Fortunately, I secured a position with the world-renowned "Bank of Africa" (the official bank of the entire continent). I noticed they have lots of money sitting around in their various "accounts" that rarely ever go anywhere. So I figured they are fair game. I only need find someone to laund- I mean, - to graciously accept my gifts in exchange to transfer the money through their own account, return it to me in exchange they will receive a small bonus (before they pay me a Transaction Fee). This money is likely in the account of someone dead, or dying, of which I am their likely orphan and/or you are their distant relative. All of it is true, I tell you.

So until I figure a way out of this mess, and regain my health and strength, I am afraid I may be on a bit of a "break" from giving you the Playa-news you so desire.

But do not be dismayed. I will be back, and back soon. Keep reading the news. You will see us, still working diligently. When you read a headline that says "man strangles raccoon with bare hands", or, "diaper wearing astronaut to plead insanity", you'll know who is behind those stories.

Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM | Comments (12)

August 23, 2007

What can (Phil) Braun do for you?

Apparently, not much as of late.

I apologize for lack of posts, and delay of DVD production.

I have not been feeling well of late, and on top of that have had to deal with the missing-Wayne situation.

Please be patient - I will be back up to speed as soon as I am able.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this photo of our Honorary Playa of the Day, Vladimir Putin:

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (10)

June 22, 2007

Playaz also call for death of Salman Rushdie

Through a press release and protest yesterday, the Playaz recently condemned the beleagured author Salman Rushdie for commiting an "affront to the Playaz".

The British-Indian novelist has recently been condemned by Pakistani cabinet members following his Knighthood in London, England, as well as having had a 'fatwa' placed on his head in 1989 by Iran's spiritual leader Ayatollah Khomeini for his book "The Satanic Verses". Both incidences are believed to have offended the nation of Islam.

The Playaz issued the death sentence to Rushdie following a visit to Kenny & Bon's Roasters, where the author reportedly returned one of their infamous dishes "blackened bald eagle", calling it "unpleasant" and too "gamey".

"Kill him! Death to Rushdie!" several of the Playaz shouted outside the restaurant after reports came back of Rushdie's dissatisfaction with his meal.

Several other celebrity endorsers of the restaurant, such as comedic singer Ray Stevens, spoke out against Rushdie, saying his actions were deplorable.

Rushdie has reportedly gone into hiding once again to avoid any bounty hunters seeking to once again kill the controversial author.

**(we are still awaiting Mr. Sheriff's essay, so I am bringing you this urgent news story while we wait)

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (5)

June 13, 2007

Kenny Rogers attempts to cross river on back of Charlie Daniels; Daniels drowns

Kenny Rogers, in a brash show of bravado, attempted to ride bareback across the Eden River on top of country musician Charlie Daniels at the annual Appleby Horse Fair, which ended in tragedy.

In what has become an annual ritual at the Fair, dozens of riders will cross the river on horseback. Rogers, instead, mounted Mr. Daniels and waded into the river before Daniels lost his footing in deep waters.

Apparently unable to swim due to the weight of Rogers, Daniels drowned before he could be pulled to shore.

"The riders try to be 'macho'," stated one horrified onlooker. "They will traditionally dunk the horses' heads underwater, and they start to swim across," he added. Rogers dunked Daniels head under water, at which point a frightened Daniels panicked, and sank to the bottom of the river.

Many onlookers immediately attempted to retrieve Daniels, but it was too late. The hefty country singer was dead by the time they pulled him to shore.

A distraught Kenny answered investigators questions before leaving immediately on the Playaz jet to return to their Headquarters.

The lifeless Daniels lies on the bank as Kenny answers questions

Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM | Comments (8)

June 8, 2007

Tac punches Alabama state senator for "disrespecting Kenny"

A blow to the face of Alabama State Sen. Lowell Barron was captured on Alabama Public Television, when Tac punched the democratic lawmaker for "disrespecting the work of Kenny Rogers".

The fracas evolved over a debate on the floor of the Senate as to the virtues of Kenny Rogers' legacy as a musician and performer.

Several Senators introduced a bill that claimed Kenny was not the greatest country musician of all time, with evidence showing that Kenny did not write many of his own hit tunes - specifically siting that Lionel Ritchie was responsible for several Kenny 'classics' as an example.

Tac then began a three-day filibuster to wear down the Senate. Tac spoke for 72 consecutive hours about Kenny Rogers.

By the time the floor was open to a vote, Sen. Barron called Kenny a "son of a b*tch", at which point Tac assaulted the Senator and punched him in the face.

After then threatening the remaining Senate lawmakers, the bill was shot down unanimously.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM | Comments (12)

June 4, 2007

Man eats small dog to protest Royal Family; Bon eats larger dog as counter-protest

In a recent news story, a British man ate a dog in the London streets as a way to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

The protestor, Mark McGowan, set up a table streetside in downtown London and ate a Corgi, a small dog that is a favorite breed of Queen Elizabeth in response to a story that Prince Phillip, the queen's husband, had reportedly beaten a fox to death during a hunt.

Upon hearing the protest, Bon immediately offered his support of the royal family by eating a much larger dog, a German Shepherd.

Bon lauded the Prince's hunting tactics and vowed to top whatever animal McGowan would eat in the future should further protests arise.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (5)

May 30, 2007

Pick me, YouTubes!

For reasons of obtaining valuable prizes, I have opted to enter a short video into a contest being held on YouTube called "YouTube Sketchies" (sponsored by the delicious, delicious Sierra Mist beverage makers).

While my videos tend to be auto-biographical in nature, and not necessarily comedic by design, I figured the sheer awesome-ness alone would vault me into the quarter-finals. If so, you will have the pleasure of seeing at least one, possibly two more videos.

So here's a preview of the video I submitted, which will be judged sometime after May 31st. I assume it will win.

Also, please note the lameness of the ending of this video is strictly me pandering to the YouTube Sketchies judges.

The video is titled "Bionic Phil: Cyborg of Tomorrow"

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM | Comments (13)

May 29, 2007

Playaz mourn death of the great Charles Nelson Reilly

Our Memorial Day weekend got off to a rough start at the news of the death of beloved friend Charles Nelson Reilly.

A man who reached stardom through his many appearances on game shows, and his superb acting in TV show "Love, American Style" and movie classic "Cannonball Run II".

Please find an online guest book somewhere and sign your condolensces for this fine man. CNR, we will miss you.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM | Comments (9)

May 25, 2007

Blowin' up cats: all the cool kids are doin' it

As a public service announcement, our most recent video "Cat-tastrophe" is being featured on the main page of Super Deluxe (along with several other less important, semi-interesting videos and shorts).

Super Deluxe is a relatively new broadband comedy channel that was launched by Turner Broadcasting (the fine folks who bring you Atlanta Braves baseball and Adult Swim).

So please stop by their site and watch our video again. And again and again. Leave a comment if you like!

Have a great weekend everyone.

(Note: The video is no longer on the main page - you can find it here or here -thanks to Super Deluxe for featuring the vid)

Posted by Phil at 9:32 AM | Comments (4)

May 21, 2007

Only one animal was harmed in the making of this video

I am a problem solver.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (14)

May 18, 2007

Playaz host dog fight for charity for Michael Vick

The Playaz hosted a very special charity event featuring fights to the death between dogs and other various animals to help raise money for Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick's legal defense.

"Michael Vick has been in a lot of hot water lately, so the Playaz got together to help figure out a way to assist him with all these legal battles he's been facing. We decided to put on one of his favorite activities to raise money. Dog fighting," said Bon.

The charity festival did not only feature dog-on-dog fighting, but also many varieties of animals pitted against one another in a blood sport that few have ever witnessed.

"Yes, we tried to be creative - we even pitted two housecats against a koala bear. Man those guys went at it. You wouldn't think they'd be natural enemies, but those two species really do dislike each other," Bon added.

Vick said he was thankful for the Playaz help and had a great time. He added that the dog fights were a nice "break from reality", where he could relax and forget about all his troubles.

Phil added, "we have money riding on the Falcons this year. We couldn't let our starting quarterback go to jail. Who are we going to rely on? Joey Harrington? I don't think so."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (46)

May 6, 2007

Hello, websites and internet friends!

My foray into "webcam" videos - as friend Jett Loe likes to say, we have a "commitment to reality" here, and in this video I give you a quick glimpse at a couple of the things you might have noticed in the Manpoo commercial.

About 2:00 of explanation, and about 1:30 of me saying "ummmm".

Posted by Phil at 5:32 PM | Comments (17)

April 27, 2007

Playaz offer Fidel Castro $100,000 for track suit

The Playaz sat down with recently recovering Cuban President Fidel Castro and offered the dictator $100,000.00 in U.S. dollars for his red, white, and blue track suit.

Castro has been seen the last several months sporting the track suit. The suit is believed to be an adidas suit from the 1982 era, though whether or not it is a knock-off brand has not been confirmed.

The Playaz prepared a detailed proposal and presented it along with their offer to convice the Cuban leader to part with the suit. While stressing that they were willing to pay top dollar, it was noted that the waistband was distressed from over-stretching, and that the suit would need to be cleaned to remove it's odor of sweat, moth balls, cigar smoke, and a scent that can only be described as being closest to that of 'hot dog'.

Castro listens closely as Bon goes over the Playaz' offer for the track suit in detail

Castro reportedly has 3 business days to consider the offer, and which point he will reply or counter-offer the Playaz. Castro may try to sell the Playaz a Le Coq Sportiff for $25,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM | Comments (9)

April 23, 2007

Get a whiff of our hair

Special thanks to Rock Creek Rambler for inventing this fine product.

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM | Comments (66)

April 19, 2007

Playaz join in on burning effigies of Richard Gere; also encourage burning of American Idol's Sanjaya

The Playaz joined an enraged Indian mob in the burning of effigies of Richard Gere for his brazen display of public affection towards Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, as well as their general distaste for the actor.

In addition, the Playaz encouraged not only the burning of Gere, but also effigies of recently ousted American Idol Sanjaya Malakar.

The Playaz kicked and stamped the flaming effigy of Malakar, shouting epithets such as "Death To Sanjaya", among the gathering of angry Indian protestors.

Most men were enraged by Gere's actions, considered a violation of Indian culture, but some were confused about the Playaz anger towards the fan-favorite Sanjaya in this year's "Idol".

"He is not a very good singer, but do we really need to burn his likeness? Richard Gere? Yes. But Sanjaya? Are we going too far?" one Indian man was quoted as saying.

The Playaz quickly convinced the horde that Sanjaya was an effeminate meat-eater, who, despite appearing on a show titled "American Idol", worshipped no idols himself. This sent them into a furious rage at which point effigies of Malakar, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell were also burned.

Posted by Phil at 5:17 PM | Comments (8)

April 12, 2007

Guv'na turns up in Zoo's bear exhibit

The Guv'na was discovered recently in the Bear Exhibit by patrons at the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo, napping on the cool stone adjacent to the bear pool.

Exactly how the Guv'na ended up inside the exhibit is unknown. It is suspected that the Guv'na's propensity to nap, or pass out in various locations, combined with his love of fur coats, caused him to be mistakenly captured by animal control officials and relocated into the exhibit.

The Guv'na was seen earlier up and about, nibbling on the inside of a pumpkin shell along with the other bears, before taking a casual swim and entertaining the gathered audience by playing with a beach ball.

This is not the first time The Guv'na has ended up in a bear exhibit in the zoo. In 1997, Guv'na was seen in the Central Park Polar Bear exhibit in New York City.

Posted by Phil at 1:59 PM | Comments (25)

April 10, 2007

Court rules: Tac the father of Anna Nicole's baby

The Court ruled today that DNA tests conducted by Larry Holmes have proven definitively that Tac is the father of Daniellyn, the daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith.

Tac triumphantly exited the courthouse to throngs of reporters in the presence of a stunned Daniel K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Zsa-Zsa Gabor's husband, Ed Asner, and Emmanuel Lewis.

Earlier photos of the pair had established a prior connection with Tac and the former Playboy model and love-maker to decrepit old people, and further speculation arose over a photo of Anna Nicole's son Daniel that one of the Playaz may have fathered him as well.

"I am very excited that my daughter and her money will be coming home with me soon," Tac was quoted as saying.

Posted by Phil at 4:48 PM | Comments (7)

April 9, 2007

Overdrawn?

The fine folks at "Citizens Bank" are wondering why they have not heard from me lately in the dealings of my brutally murdered Uncle Muhammad from Canada and my personal Nigerian Lawyer David Lauire.

I do not wish to belabor you, dear readers, with all the details, but if you wish for me to keep you up to date with the correspondence, please let me know in the comments section.

Posted by Phil at 1:11 PM | Comments (16)

Back to where I once belonged

I have returned from Spring Break and it was a huge success. This year, only 3 co-eds died falling off of my balcony, and I won 5 wet t-shirt contests.

However, this snap of cold weather has prevented me from shedding my winter coat.

While this acts as a natural sunscreen for me, I have usually lost most of this hair by now as we head into spring and summer.

As I settle back into my routine, please enjoy this post from Easter of last year. There is a new anonymous commenter who seems slightly disturbed by what he/she is seeing.

Bon captures egg-hiding rabbit in backyard

Will be posting again soon, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM | Comments (2)

March 30, 2007

Road trip (on my Gulfstream)

I am going out of town for a week and as you can see, I have a lot of packing to do.

I presume my Nigerian Barrister will have our deal all wrapped up by the time I return.

In the mean time, feel free to click on things and leave comments, but otherwise leave my stuff alone while I'm gone.

Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM | Comments (14)

March 21, 2007

Playaz to travel with corpse of Don Knotts to garner free First Class seats

The Playaz' have discovered a way to attain free First Class air travel when their own jet is in repair or is in use by Kenny Rogers or Larry Holmes.

After reading this story, when forced to fly commercially, the Playaz will now travel with the corpse of Don Knotts as a way to upgrade their seating assignment without paying for the first class fare.

Once the unwitting steward or stewardess discovers the decaying corpse of Knotts, the Playaz will begin weeping and wailing until the staff offers the Playaz first class seating for "privacy".

Knotts has been dead for over a year, and will take some serious embalming to maitain the body in it's present state for future air travel plans.

Posted by Phil at 7:55 AM | Comments (13)

March 17, 2007

Miniature cobbler found dead; local authorities mystified

A tiny little cobbler was found dead in his cobbler's workshop today, with few leads for police officials to go by.

The diminutive cobbler was apparently performing his usual tasks of repairing shoes interspersed with the occasional bout of mischief, when he was apparently interrogated, tortured, and murdered by an unknown assailant.

The authorities also stated that multiple holes were found dug in the cobbler's ragwort field in the rear of his shop.

A pair of alligator Giorgio Brutini Private Collection shoes were discovered in the shop, possibly belonging to the intruder.

Posted by Phil at 3:44 PM | Comments (103)

March 13, 2007

Bon sets up meth-lab in the Stardust Hotel

Posted by Phil at 4:43 PM | Comments (10)

March 12, 2007

How was your weekend?

Another typical weekend for the Playaz...

The next several days could see posts few and far between as I am currently busy with another project. So please bear with me if I don't update as frequently as you are accustomed.

Tac has entered a fitness competition, and it is possible I'll update you on that.

Otherwise, please feel free to peruse the Archives, and re-live some of your favorite Playa moments.

Posted by Phil at 10:08 AM | Comments (13)

March 6, 2007

Playaz discover skeletons of Dracula, Wolfman

With recent "discoveries" of Blackbeard's cannon and Jesus's tomb, the Playaz (not wanting to be outdone) have announced that they have discovered the skeletons of both Dracula and The Wolfman.

Guv'na points to the location Dracula and the Wolfman's bones were discovered

The Playaz discovered the bones of the two infamous monsters together, on top of Mount Transylvania. While reporters questioned the existence of a "Mount Transylvania", the Playaz quickly changed the subject by pointing out how oddly the remains were positioned and insinuated that the pair may have been fighting each other when they died, or were gay.

Skeletons, identified by the Playaz to be that of Dracula & Wolfman, found together in a stunning archaeolgical discovery

The amazing discovery certainly trumps the dubious finds of the tomb of Jesus and Blackbeard's cannon, making this discovery the most heralded of all time.

The Playaz will not donate the skeletons to a museum for research, but instead will place them on display in their mansion, along side the bones of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, which the Playaz purchased several years ago.

Posted by Phil at 7:17 PM | Comments (9)

February 20, 2007

Well, well....look who's woken from their virtual coma....

It appears someone who previously decided to quit blogging has survived a near-fatal blow to the head, and is now thinking more clearly than before.

What do you think about quitting blogging now, tough guy?

Next time I'll squeeze your head in a vice...

Posted by Phil at 3:26 PM | Comments (12)

February 15, 2007

Phil's family to remain in quarantine for the remainder of winter

After a horrific bout with the stomach flu, I have decided that my family shall be contained in an air-tight capsule for the remainder of winter.

It started late Saturday night, when one of my girls woke up in a pool of vomit. 36 hours later, my other daughter got sick and my wife passed out in a pool of her own vomit in the bathroom. So with my entire family lying in their respective pools of vomit, guess who got sick next?

That's right. Me.

Now, I am accustomed to waking up in vomit following a night of excessive comet dust use and space orgies with Dian Parkinson, but this was no pleasure cruise on a Space Shuttle.

So, in order to avoid any future ailments, I thought it best my family remain in quarantine for the forseeable future (at the earliest, until flu season passes).

Aside from removing any possibility of me catching any more diseases, I find that it makes life much quieter and easier this way. I now get to watch whatever I want on television without any complaints, for example.

Not to worry, folks. My wife and kids have at least 6 months supply of dry goods and diapers to sustain them.

They should be thankful at least. Bon suggested they be put down, under suspicion that they had contracted the bird-flu.

Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM | Comments (20)

February 2, 2007

Editorial

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (10)

January 30, 2007

Barbaro finally dead; Playaz may now profit on beloved horse

After several painstaking months of hope by the Playaz that Barbaro would not pull through, the horse did in fact die, allowing the Playaz to begin production of their eagerly anticipated "Barbaro Chow" dog food.

Bon is pictured leading the Kentucky Derby Winner to the gallows

But not only will dogs across the globe be satisfied with the tasty morsels of Barbaro Chow. Anticipating Barbaro's demise since the broken leg, caretakers have been collecting Barbaro's semen around the clock, which shall be stored in 55 gallon drums and distributed for use as industrial lubricant under the Playaz' brand of oil distributorships.

The 15W40 weight Horse Semen engine oil may be used in industrial equipment such as heavy-duty trucks and other large machinery.

We can also provide Barbaro Synthetic Horse Semen engine oil in 10W30 for lighter weight cars and trucks.

Barbaro's semen has a flashpoint of 3,000 degrees, and is guaranteed to last. Bon uses the most advanced polymers to improve viscosity and prevent break-down (Group 3 base stock). The Barbaro 15W40 has a TBN of 14, along with an ultra-low sheer rate!!

This new technology was brought on by the government's new mandated emissions control regarding diesel fuel particulate matter (and, we had an awful lot of Barbaro's semen that we had to find something to do with).

Barbaro 15W40 Horse Semen is a miracle worker, with suprisingly little to no sludge build-up! Something you'd expect from the semen of a championship horse! Pick some up at your local Pep Boys.

Posted by Phil at 5:46 PM | Comments (9)

January 26, 2007

Lifelike "Tac-Bot" to be introduced to consumers in 2008

It has been said that the Playaz' robots can creep people out. Their heads are so lifelike, their skin so textured and realistic, that a competing roboticist called the Playaz' robot "spookily cool ... a giant step forward."

This past week President Bush got a sneak-preview of the Playaz' latest invention, the "Tac-Bot".

President Bush greets the new 'Tac-Bot'

"We have just revolutionized the world as we know it," the Guv'na said at the Tac-Bot unveiling. "Tac-Bot is a fully interactive robot. He can speak, respond to commands, interact in conversation, and perform complex tasks. He has a full range of emotions, which typically range from anger, to rage, to mildly agitated."

During demonstrations, Tac-Bot could often be seen attempting physical harm upon the person or persons engaging it, unless pacified with an offering of comet dust or a re-boot of Tac-Bot's power supply. However, it was noted that most attempts by assistants to power-down Tac-Bot were met with the bone-crushing grip of one of Tac-Bots hands.

"We haven't worked out all the bugs of the Tac-Bot, but we expect by the time it is due to be released, he will be fully capable of performing the tasks he is programmed to do," Guv'na added.

Those tasks reportedly include drug trade and drug trafficking (Tac-Bot contains air-tight compartments lined with a protective layer that prevents odors from being detected by police K-9 units), currency exchange (Tac-Bot will electronically sweep your bank accounts and keep your funds stored on his own internal "e-Bank" system, and will dispense funds to you when Tac-Bot wants you to buy him something. The remainder of your funds are transferred to Playaz' bank accounts), home security (Tac-Bot is fully equipped with the latest in artillery, and has the strength of a bulldozer), and dancing.

Owners of the new Tac-Bot will receive an instruction manual that will guide them as to how to interact with their new robot. It first advises that you not make direct eye-contact with Tac-Bot, nor should you raise your voice above a certain octave or volume when speaking to Tac-Bot. It is advised that you not own pets when purchasing a Tac-Bot. Tac-Bot can control your television and will automatically override any of your TV selections if they are deemed unsatisfactory to Tac-Bot.

The Tac-Bot is expected to retail for $500,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM | Comments (14)

January 24, 2007

Playaz once again victorious; now 1,437- 0 in lawsuits

The Playaz have succeeded once again in crushing our opponents in the court of law.

You may recall my mentioning of our very real lawsuit, whereby our neighbor to the rear of Playaz' Headquarters was suing the Playaz for untamed shrubbery growth, claiming it blocked his view and "the circulation of ocean breezes".

Recently, we received this:

It is a lesson to all that if you deign to bring a frivolous lawsuit before us, we will crush you. We are the Kings of Frivolity when it pertains to lawsuits.

We then celebrated mocking this loser with the following email exchanges:

From: Bon
To: The Playaz

F--- with the Playaz, and you'll get the horns.

From: Phil

What a dumbass...

From: Bon

He must have heard who we were. Maybe he saw us at Playaz Ball and thought we would savage him.

From: Phil

"Tell the grandkids I am sorry I cannot buy them their PlayStation 3s for Christmas, as I now have no money due to spending it all on lawsuits involving untamed shrubbery growth."

From: Wayne

The funniest thing would be if he spent so much money on the lawsuit that he couldn't pay his association dues, and then the association sued him.

Actually, it would be funnier if he died when one of the shrubs fell on him, or a circulating ocean breeze blew him out to sea, but I think that's stretching it.

From: Bon

Or if he was asphyxiated from the lack of ocean breeze...

From: Phil

What if he and the Playaz became friends, and one day laughed together about the height of the shrubbery and how it really doesn't block the breezes at all?

From: Wayne

Maybe that would be ironic, but not funny.

From: Phil

Did I mention that he was bankrupt, and had lost the very house that he once owned?

From: Wayne

THAT would be funny. Maybe we hired him to do our shrubbery maintenance?

From: Bon

He also works as a cabana boy during PB (playaz ball).

From: Phil

It will be necessary so that he can make ends meet now that we have ruined him financially.

From: Wayne

That was my thinking. A little pocket money for him.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (14)

January 21, 2007

Inside Playaz Headquarters

For years, people have pondered what goes on inside Playaz Headquarters, perhaps the most mysterious beachfront mansion in the entire world. Today, you will be offered an exclusive glimpse behind the walls at Playaz HQ.

Many of you have already seen our state of the art Threat Operations Center, housed within our underground bunker system.

The Threat Operations Center is a part of the extensive bomb-proof bunker that lies approximately 100 feet beneath the mansion, which protects Playaz' valuables like our wool kangols, our comet dust, our VHS tapes of "Body by Gilad", and our prized collection of Burger King limited edition Star Wars glasses.

What you haven't seen is our respective bedrooms. Each is tailored to our specific preferences. Bon's room, for example, contains a wide array of wild life killed by Bon (naturally).

The most interesting piece in this room is the skeleton of a mermaid that Bon captured, made love to (the human half), then killed off the South Carolina coast.

Wayne's room is a virtual law library, in which Wayne is surrounded by law books, mainly focusing on dog-maulings and shrubbery litigation (as the Playaz are involved in from time to time).

The Guv'na's is a simple room. Sleeping in a trundle, the Guv'na can be neatly tucked away in any drawer or under another piece of furniture.

Tac's room features the Sharp 108" television, which sits just at the end of the bed where Tac can enjoy NASCAR and Gilad in High-Definition clarity.

This is my room. It is quite simple, with my favorite Conway Twitty photo, a working moonshine still, and a hot-tub which always contains at least one Price-Is-Right model around the clock.

Our Headquarters was constructed and specially designed by Henderson Brothers home builders (typically specializing in Lake Lanier homes in Georgia, but for a crisp $100 bill and a Playaz endorsement, were willing to design this magnificent structure).

Of course I wish I could show you the exterior of Headquarters, but for obvious security reasons I cannot. I hope you enjoyed that brief glimpse into our home away from home.

Perhaps someday some of you will be able to witness it firsthand, though in all probability you will be gunned down by our security guards moments after.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM | Comments (9)

January 18, 2007

Deceased rabbit lies in state at Phil's house

Pet rabbit (no name) passed away late last evening of unknown causes.

After 7 years of living in solitary confinement, the rabbit was discovered deceased by Phil's wife this morning.

Declining Phil's offer to discard the rabbit in the nearest refuse container (trash can), Phil's wife insisted upon a formal burial, which shall be delayed due to inclement weather in the metro Atlanta area.

As a result, as of 1:45 p.m. the rabbit continues to lie in state in Phil's residence, with no visitors expected to pay their respects.

Bon has offered his burial services regarding the rabbit, but has also been refused by Phil's wife.

The rabbit will be fondly remembered for his love of urinating, defecating, and devouring the downstairs carpet.

Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM | Comments (21)

January 13, 2007

Bon burns down Disney World

Bon outraged by "talking" bears before destroying Florida themepark; considered them "an affront to human decency"

Bon recently returned with his family from a trip to Orlando's Disney World, but not before burning the entire theme park to the ground.

Bon stated that he had taken his wife and children into one of the park's popular attractions the "Country Bear Jamboree", where Bon discovered what he considered a blasphemous horde of 'talking' and 'singing' bears.

Outraged by such a display that was clearly against nature, Bon destroyed the bears with multiple shotgun blasts before screaming children.

Bon then made haste to set the park ablaze.

"I could only imagine what other evil lay within this park, so I am certain I did the right thing. I had heard rumors of a "Haunted Mansion" and the reanimation of our deceased Presidents, plus a toad that purportedly could drive a car, though not very well. The toad must have been enchanted, by some witch I can only assume, in order to have the cognizant skill to drive a vehicle. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to destroy what this evil genius Walt Disney had created," Bon said.

Posted by Phil at 10:43 PM | Comments (25)

January 10, 2007

Abscam

To continue from Monday's post, the Playaz are not depressed by the mid-term elections bringing democratic control to Capitol Hill. Back in 1980, the Playaz set up "Abdul Enterprises, Ltd." in an effort to sway favors from various democratic party congressmen, as well as involve them in investment schemes, and going so far as to offer the use of the Playaz' private jet in exchange for their cooperation.

In particular, the FBI captured this video of an unidentified playa speaking with Congressman John Murtha.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me ask you now we're here together, I was under the impression, OK, and I told Wayne we were willing to pay. And OK, I went out and got the fifty thousand. From what you're telling me, OK, you're telling me that's not what, you know, that that's not what you...

MURTHA: I'm not interested in the Playaz Business Model.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: At this point.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: You know, we do business for a while, maybe I'll be interested, maybe I won't, you know.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me go over the Playaz Business Model with you. You give us the banks where you want the money deposited,

MURTHA: All right, how much money we talking about?

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Well, you tell me.

MURTHA: Well, let me find out what is a reasonable figure that will get their attention, because there are a couple of banks that have really done me some favors in the past, and I'd like to put some money in....

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: First we'll need your bank account numbers to make the deposit, and your social security number. Then, once the money has "cleared", you'll get 35%, just for holding the money for us, which we can't legally claim because of...you know..the government. Because this Nigerian doctor died, and he's my uncle and...well, it's a long story..

MURTHA: OK. My social is 345-51-XXXX, my bank account numbers are as follows....

Naturally, we then cleaned out his bank account, so that ended up really well for us.

Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM | Comments (12)

January 5, 2007

Kenny opts to use land previously planned for lavish estate as 'rock quarry'

What was originally to be a 20,000 square foot mansion for Kenny Rogers in Atlanta's posh Sandy Springs neighborhood instead will be used as Kenny's own personal dirt mound with pile of rocks.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution

(subscription only: simply use 'playazball at gmail.com' (don't spell out 'at' like I did) for the email address and password 'playa' to read article)

Posted by Phil at 5:02 PM | Comments (21)

January 4, 2007

Guv'na reportedly won back soul in fiddle-playing competition with Satan

Following Guv'na's miraculous return from the grave, it was finally revealed how the Guv'na mysteriously resurrected himself from a most certain eternity in Hades.

The Guv'na defeated Satan and won back his soul after a "fiddle duel" brought about from a challenge from Lucifer himself.

Long known to have a weakness to fiddle competitions, particularly against southern gentlemen, Satan approached Guv'na with the promise of a bargain. Engage in a battle of fiddling, whereby a victory by the Guv'na would guarantee not only a golden fiddle, but also the reclamation of his lost soul. A victory by the Devil, however, would result in a lifetime of servitude the Lord of Darkness, plus a Christmas card signed by all the Playaz.

A "heated" exchange ensued....The Devil dragged his bow with his chorus of demons and brought forth an evil hiss. Upon completion of the Devil's fiddle solo, the Guv'na replied "well, you're pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."

The Guv'na then played the following, in rapid sequence:

Ace Of Spades
Allentown Polka
Angeline The Baker
Arkansas Traveler
Ashoken Farewell
Back Up And Push
Beaumont Rag
Bill Cheatham
Billy In The Lowground
Bitter Creek
Black And White Rag
Black Eyed Suzie
Black Mountain Rag
Blackberry Blossom
Boil Them Cabbage Down
Bonaparte's Retreat
Brilliancy
Bully Of The Town
Calgary Polka
Cattle In The Cane
Champagne Polka
Chancellor's Waltz
Cherokee Shuffle
Chicken Reel
Chinky Pin
Chinquapin
Choctaw
Cincinnati Rag
Clarinet Polka
Cottoneyed Joe
Cottonpatch Rag
Cripple Creek
Cuckoo's Nest
Did You Ever See The Devil, Uncle Joe?
Dill Pickle Rag
Don't Let Your Deal Go Down
Done Gone
Down Yonder
Draggin' The Bow
Durang's Hornpipe
Durham's Bull
Dusty Miller
East Tennessee Blues
Eighth Of January
Festival Waltz
Fiddler's Dream
Fiddler's Waltz
Fifty Years Ago Waltz
Fire On The Mountain
Fireman's Reel
Fisher's Hornpipe
Flop Eared Mule
Forked Deer
Gardenia Waltz
Gaudette Polka
Georgianna Moon
German Waltz
Get Up John
Golden Eagle Hornpipe
Golden Slippers
Goodbye Liza Jane
Goodnight Waltz
Grandfather Polka
Grey Eagle
Hell Among The Yearlings
Herman's Rag
Highland Hornpipe
Home With The Girls In The Morning
Hop Light Ladies
Hotfoot
I Don't Love Nobody
Jack Of Diamonds
Jerusalem Ridge
Jesse Polka
Jolie Blonde
Katy Hill
Kelly's Waltz
Leather Britches
Lee Highway Blues
Liberty
Limerock
Listen To The Mockingbird
Little Beggarman
Lone Star Rag
Lonesome Fiddle Blues
Lonesome John
Lonesome Moonlight Waltz
Lost Highway Blues
Lost Indian
Maidens Prayer
Martin's Waltz
Memory Waltz
Midnight On The Water
Miss Mcleod's Reel
Mississippi Sawyer
Old Joe Clark
Over The Waterfall
Over The Waves
Paddy On The Turnpike
Rachel
Raggedy Ann
Ragtime Annie
Red Haired Boy
Red Wing
Road To Columbus
Rose Of Allenvale
Rose Of Sharon
Roxanna Waltz
Rubber Dolly
Rye Straw
Sail Away Ladies
Sally Ann
Sally Goodin
Sally Johnson
Salt River
Say Old Man
Snow Flake Reel
Soldiers Joy
Soppin' The Gravy
St. Anne's Reel
Star Of The County Down
Stone's Rag
Stoney Point
Sweetheart Schottische
Temperence Reel
Tennessee Wagoner
Texas Schottische
Tom And Jerry
Tugboat
Turkey In The Straw
Twinkle Little Star
Under The Double Eagle
Wagoner
Washington County
Wednesday Night Waltz
Westphalia Waltz
Whiskey Before Breakfast
Wild Fiddler's Rag
and
Year Of Jubilo

The Devil, conceding defeat, granted Guv'na his soul back.

"Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again," Guv'na said. "But I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Not being a sore winner, Guv'na gave Satan his mink coat. The Devil asked "Guv'na, does your mink bite?" The Guv'na replied, "No".

Posted by Phil at 10:10 PM | Comments (18)

December 31, 2006

Playaz oversee Brown and Ford funerals; each receive gold casket

The Playaz were placed in charge of the respective funerals of funk/R&B legend James Brown and former President Gerald Ford this week.

The Playaz lead the processional amongst a throng of fans and celebrity attendees to the Apollo Theater in New York, carrying the gold casket specially selected by the Playaz, in which Brown was later seen to be wearing a purple suit, rhinestone shoes and white gloves.

The Playaz were then asked to oversee former President Ford's funeral.

Upon hearing Mrs. Ford's selection of the traditional flag-covered casket and dark suit for her husband, the Playaz' immediately scrapped those ideas and provided a gold casket and purple suit for the ex-President as well.

"Mrs. Ford's choices were typical of a grieving widow. She has a lot on her mind, and probably wasn't really into planning the details of a funeral of this magnitude. The former leader of the United States should be buried as royalty, and thus we felt it befitting that Mr. Ford have a gold casket as well, and a purple suit with rhinestone shoes," the Playaz said. "We spared the U.S. taxpayers no expense."

Posted by Phil at 2:14 PM | Comments (15)

December 20, 2006

A Christmas Miracle!

And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.

But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.

And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."

But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.

And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."

And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.

Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM | Comments (373)

December 18, 2006

I had a dream

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (11)

December 14, 2006

Failure to comply with email-forwarding instructions now Number 1 cause of death*

Playaz' studies have shown that the American public's refusal to forward emails despite specific instructions to do so have resulted in fatalaties that are now the leading cause of death, overtaking lung cancer and heart disease.

Examples of the types of emails we are talking about can be found here, or, typically have a poem or story about "friends" with a message of hope or inspiration, with a disclaimer that unless forwarded instantly to a pre-determined number of people, certain death will befall you.

A while back, we received this email (with the instructions "Read alone (do not delete)" -- Note: DO NOT DISREGARD THESE INSTRUCTIONS EITHER, THEY ARE IMPORTANT):

Read Alone.....

Especially the Poem

I believe whatever is in store for us will be for us.

The poem is very true, unfortunately.

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.

Then one day when she went to lunch David proposed!

She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min.

When she got to her office, ! ! she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it.

BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem and being the believer that she was she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.

Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.

Later that night when she left to get to her car, she was killed in that spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview with a really big company, ! when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years.

Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.

Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem: Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine but we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner, yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend. Remember to always say what you mean.

If you love someone, tell them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people.

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

*NOTE*

the more people that you send this to, the better

luck you will have.

Whew.....it's so true...Pretty scary, isn't it? This email alone has killed over 243,756 people because they deleted it. There are others out there just like it.

MY GOD, PEOPLE!! DON'T YOU WANT TO LIVE?? DO YOU WANT YOUR LOVED ONES TO LIVE?? What must we do to convince you, DO NOT DELETE THESE EMAILS!!

Bon himself deleted this email, then 10 minutes later overdosed on cocaine.

Fortunately, he survived, but only because Wayne was able to act quickly enough to forward the email to 35 people (enough to cause Bon to merely have his stomach pumped and require a small amount of rehabilitation).

*Based on the Playaz personal medical expertise and best guess

Posted by Phil at 2:52 PM | Comments (18)

December 10, 2006

Outrage!!

For the second year in a row, Playaz Ball has been shut out of the "precious" D.C. Blog Superlatives.

I really don't know what else to do. And I don't want to hear "well, you aren't in Washington D.C." baloney. Neither are most of you. I mean, Kathryn lives in some Virginia suburb. That isn't D.C. Plus, we've long been listed on D.C. Blogs which is about as official a blog listing as one can get. We might as well be in your telephone books. Yet, for some strange reason, we don't win jack squat.

I'll give you the listing of the "winners":

Best Overall Blog: DC Blogs

Yeah - a guy whose blog is just a list of all the blogs wins for the "best"? Give me a break! All he did was copy/paste your link and he gets your acclaim? I voted for myself, of course.

Best Buns: BettyJoan

I have never actually seen BettyJoan's buns, but I'll bet they are not as nice as these...

That's Tac, and that's just one of us. The rest of our buttocks are sublime. We should have won this one too.

Best Breasts: Kathryn

Fair enough. I split my vote, giving one-half of a vote for one of D.C. Cookie's breasts, and one-half vote for one of V.P. Dior's.

Best Smile: I-66

Just because I-66 was a "child actor" does not automatically qualify him for "best smile". Take a look at this winning smile...

Any more questions? I didn't think so. I win this one running away.

Best Grammar: Tie Ashburnite/Kathryn

Please. This is like winning the "perfect attendance" award in high school. I would be ashamed to win this award. Next.

Biggest Flirt: KassyK

Has KassyK ever flirted her way into a 3-way with Dian Parkinson and Lindsay Wagner? I doubt it.

Class Clown: Virgle Kent

Virgle is a large man and could very well beat me, but there is no way he is funnier than me. Has Virgle introduced hilarious new words into the english language?

Mr./Mrs. Congeniality: I-66

I am very congenial and anyone who disagrees is a complete jackass!!

Biggest Lush: Heather B

Again, I offer more photographic evidence to the contrary.

Most Controversial: Roosh V

Nothing says "controversy" like a man with a mustache. You never know where he's coming from. Could be good, like Burt Reynolds..could be evil, like Mr. Belvedere. When Roosh shaves his beard and leaves a french tickler behind, give me call.

Most Likely to Stop Blogging by 2007: DC Cookie

No one is more likely to stop blogging in 2007 than me! Not only do I have carpal tunnel syndrome, but I also resent having to entertain you all each and every week. (However, I will admit I cast my vote for KOB of DC Blogs, presuming he will die unexpectedly of bird flu in 2007)

Most Likely to Be A Therapist: Kathryn

When he was alive, there was no better therapist than the Guv'na.

Most Mysterious: Washington Cube

Washington Cube is really a 49 year old man named Kermit Henderson who lives in Fairfax. Did I just blow your mind? Not so mysterious anymore, is he?

Posted by Phil at 9:24 PM | Comments (23)

November 29, 2006

Bon to replace lead singer of The Wiggles

The hugely popular children's group The Wiggles announced that Bon will be replacing it's lead singer, "the Yellow Wiggle" Greg Page, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

Page has fallen to serious illness and has been absent from recent performances.

The Australian group announced there would be no major changes to the television show or their concerts. However, it was noted that there have been some immediate differences since Bon has joined the group. The once popular concerts have incorporated a great deal more satanic imagery, including ritualistic simulated "sacrifices" on stage, as well as loud heavy-metal music. Parents report the new show frightens most children and are not sure about Bon's influence on the group.

One Wiggle, wishing to remain anonymous, stated that Bon has introduced hallucinogenic drugs to the group to "get the creative juices flowing". He further stated that Wiggle "Jeff's" narcolepsy is not an act, but actually episodes of that Wiggle passing out from an overdose of drugs supplied by Bon. "The children love to shout "Wake up, Jeff!" whenever this happens, but in reality it all started when we became seriously concerned about Jeff falling unconscious because of Bon's drugs, to where we were screaming at him to wake up. We were legitimately afraid he had died. It's sad, really."

Bon looks forward to reaping the financial windfall from leading the Wiggles, Australia's top earning celebrities.

Posted by Phil at 9:01 AM | Comments (18)

November 27, 2006

Holiday traffic

The Playaz are stuck in traffic due to all the holiday travellers.

We were sidetracked in part due to a bet between Bon and I over the Georgia Tech / Georgia game this past weekend. Since Tech lost, I owe him the severed head of former President Jimmy Carter (if Georgia had lost, Bon would have owed me 75 pounds of fried peach pies from the Varsity).

We will return as soon as possible. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Posted by Phil at 10:53 AM | Comments (13)

November 18, 2006

Beefcake

Sour n Sweet has posted a few bloggers' likenesses if they were South Park characters, including a band of mustachioed gentlemen you'll be sure to recognize.

Posted by Phil at 8:14 AM | Comments (8)

November 16, 2006

School photos

My girls recently had their school photos taken:

One looks like she's having her mug shot taken, the other like she's high on comet dust. Maybe that's what happened...

(Sigh)... how they've grown...

Posted by Phil at 9:52 PM | Comments (20)

November 15, 2006

Playaz present at the BET hip-hop awards in Atlanta

Earlier this week the Playaz strolled down the red carpet at Atlanta's Fox Theater as presenters for the BET Hip-Hop Awards.

Phil and Tac presented the "Whitest Rapper" award, and in a surprise tribute, called to the stage the mothers of The Notorious B.I.G., Tupac Shakur, and The Guv'na, calling an end to violence with guns against other popular rappers and accidentally backing over people.

The BET Awards will air tonight at 9 p.m.

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (114)

October 31, 2006

Problem solved

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been enjoying the serenity of nature up here at "Crystal Lake".

But these kids....do you find teenagers get more stupid and annoying as you get older? I can't go to the movie theater anymore without wanting to beat one of them senseless.

So my problem, you ask...how can you relax when kids are constatntly getting on your nerves with their inane antics and tomfoolery, arm-wrestling each other, constantly making out, and general disregard for their elders?

Well, I decided to murder them.

Yes, I killed each and every one here, with every manner of blade, saw, spear, pick-axe, hammer claw, or crow bar I could get my hands on. I even shish-ka-bobbed one couple while they were making love to one another, completely unaware to my presence in the nearby closet.

And as usual, I was wearing my favorite Atlanta Flames hockey mask I had gotten many years ago, and still wear to this day whenever watching the new Thrashers team (superstition I guess), which really seemed to spook people....you should have seen the looks on their faces right before I drove a machete through them!

I even tried to kill "Betsy"...a girl that I was quite fond of, actually, but I couldn't just go half-way with this thing...however, she got away with only some superficial lacerations.

One other strange thing - something else was out there...I couldn't figure it out, but some of the kids were already dead before I even had a chance to bust out of the pantry and jab an ice pick into their foreheads. As if, someone were helping me....it was an evil presence, I could detect that....something familiar, yet....Oh, well. No sense looking a gift horse in the mouth, as they say.

Oh, Betsy....what ever became of you?

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:27 PM | Comments (12)

October 30, 2006

Retreat

I am taking a long weekend up here at the lake.

It's not bad, except there are many incredibly annoying teenagers around.

The lake itself is beautiful, although, there are persistent rumors that someone or something lives in it.

At any rate, I am enjoying the changing leaves and cool, crisp air. If it weren't for these kids, it would be perfect.

God, I hate them.

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM | Comments (16)

October 9, 2006

Pope Benedict requests meeting with Phil; has "lots of good ideas" for Playaz Ball

Pope Benedict XV called for an emergency meeting with Phil in the Vatican City Sunday, saying he had "lots of good ideas" for upcoming Playaz Ball posts.

Phil graciously met with the head of the Roman Catholic Church, exchanging pleasantries since last seeing each other at Playaz Ball 2006.

"The Pope is a nice guy and all, but ever since we invited him to Playaz Ball, he's been a little 'over the top', so to speak," Phil said. Asked to elaborate, Phil said, "well, constant emails, phone calls, letters with sketches or ideas he's written down of stuff he wants us to do...not very good stuff either. A month ago he sent me something saying he wanted to have me, him, Wayne, Tac, and Kenny go to Mars with R2D2 or something...it just didn't make any sense! I mean, what would we be doing going to Mars?"

The Pope reportedly begged Phil to replace The Guv'na, submitting a photograph of himself to help persuade the Playaz.

Following the meeting, Phil and Tac put away the Pope's list of ideas along with all of his previous suggestions.

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM | Comments (6)

October 6, 2006

The Answer to yesterday's question:

Yes, that's right. But not to fear, readers, all is well. Comforted by the steady hands of former heavyweight champion of the world Larry Holmes, I had a colonoscopy due to some complications recently with my digestive tract.

Larry detected some heavy pockets of cheeto residue that had built up in my system, and advised that it could easily be flushed out with bourbon and comet dust.

Posted by Phil at 1:24 PM | Comments (23)

October 5, 2006

What do Katie Couric and I have in common?

Hint: It is not that we both have a mustache.

See you next week.

But before I go I will leave you with this find from Restaurant Gal, she of "Brush with Kenny" fame.

While doing some shopping recently, she came across this spiral-bound notebook:

Highly recommended for any kids who want to be considered as having the "cool" school supplies. I use it myself to keep appointments and ideas recorded.

Thanks for the photo, RG.

Posted by Phil at 9:09 AM | Comments (13)

October 3, 2006

China applauds Bon's "Animal Olympics" before feasting on animals

Chinese dignitaries and audience members were treated to a special show of animal athleticism by Bon and the Playaz, featuring weight-lifting chimpanzees, bear gymnastics, and zebra fighting.

Chinese officials in attendance applauded Bon's extravaganza before joining the Playaz at a special invitation dinner where they feasted on the very animals who performed the amazing feats earlier in the day.

The event was nearly marred when Bon got into an altercation with a kangaroo - which was thought to be a boxing exhibition by the patrons in attendance - but was actually a disagreement over the kangaroo's refusal to participate in the long jump competition, which ultimately led to blows between Bon and the kangaroo.

Bon stated that he also wanted to show to the world that he only serves the fittest animals at his restaurants, and not necessarily the fattest or slowest as may have been insinuated by the Elizabeth Taylor article below.

There were several protesters outside the event, outraged by what they called "cruelty to animals". Chinese citizens who were in attendance called the protests "ironic".

Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (71)

October 2, 2006

A picture speaks a thousand words

I don't have a post today, but the recent comments made in the posts below recalling the days of Georgia Championship Wrestling, the old WWF, WCW, etc., made me think of this old photo I had lying around:

It's always been one of my favorites, and I think no further explanation is really necessary.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM | Comments (9)

September 28, 2006

Bon feeds Elizabeth Taylor to sharks

Bon recently fed washed up Hollywood movie star Elizabeth Taylor to the sharks.

Conceptual photograph of a shark consuming Ms. Taylor

In what was thought to be something of a sight-seeing tour for Taylor, the "National Velvet" star got an "up-close-and-personal" view of a great white as she was lowered carefully into the water, then left unprotected amongst a swirl of chum, and summarily devoured by a Great White Shark.

Bon stated that he was running low on shark fin soup at his "Kenny & Bon's" restaurant, and decided that a portly Taylor would fit the bill as the perfect bait. The suddenly sluggish, bloated shark was then very easy to catch, Bon added.

Posted by Phil at 1:21 PM | Comments (5)

September 13, 2006

The mysteries of The Playaz

While the origins of the Playaz remain a bit of a mystery to most of our readership, I have filled you in from time to time with tidbits of information that reveal our past and how we came to be. Many of you consider these to be "stories" that I have made up, intersecting our lives with those of interesting characters who never really knew us. However, I tell it to you, the people and places and their connection to the Playaz is very real.

While reading the paper today, I noticed that Vernon Klaudt of the Klaudt Indian Family passed away in Atlanta, GA. His mother, Lillian White Corn Little Soldier, was a direct descendant of Sitting Bull. Along with his father, Reverend Reinhold Klaudt, his brothers and sisters formed the Klaudt Indian Family gospel band (not to be confused with Tommy Seebach's performance in the posting below).

Brother Ken Klaudt (on the far left of the photo) was very influential in mine and Bon's early life. The great great grandson of Sitting Bull taught young Bon and I how to survive.

As wee Playaz, Ken taught us the survival skills we would ultimately need when making amphibious assaults, swimming dangerous rip-tide currents whether to escape incarceration on remote islands or attack sea creatures, or any sub-aquatic related activity we might later perform in life.

Ken made our transition from dry land to liquid surfaces easy - blowing bubbles face down in the water...how to float...not easy tasks for an uncertain 4 or 5 year old youngster.

In addition to imparting ancient wisdom passed down to him from generations of Indian heritage, he taught us to swim.

So today's post is to tip the Kangol to a great family who played an intregal part in at least two Playaz' lives, and to wish Brother Vernon a safe sojourn into the Big Sky.

*Phil's note: My apologies for what I consider less-than-Playaesque posts of late. I have been extremely busy and promise to ramp up next week with new posts, that I hope to be entertaining, to make up for some lost time. Thanks for your patience.

Posted by Phil at 12:53 PM | Comments (13)

September 7, 2006

Playaz to capitalize on "celebrity poop" craze sweeping nation

In light of recent public interest in the auctioning of Suri Cruise's bronzed poop, expected to bring upwards of $20-30,000 on the open market, the Playaz are stepping in to capitalize on America's fascination with celebrity poop.

The Playaz have already secured specially treated fecal samples of Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes ready for your trophy case, and will have it and tastefully displayed it on a bronze base with an engraved plaque attached noting who excreted the poop, where, and a hologram noting the feces' authenticity.

Imagine having a conversation piece such as this, or, being able to tell your friends what Larry Holmes had to eat prior to the night of his heavyweight bout with Ernie Shavers!

There is the possibility of special orders, or "poop on demand", from customers requesting a 'command performance' from either Kenny or Larry, giving them a one-of-a-kind creation.

The Playaz also hinted that they had the petrified feces of former country singer Conway Twitty, after a troubling bowel movement that occurred following an all-night binge of Jack Daniels, bratwursts, cheese, and cocaine by Conway. It is rumored that this sculpture could fetch up to $1,000,000.

Phil: No, I'm not joking. Click the link.

Posted by Phil at 8:39 AM | Comments (15)

September 1, 2006

3 Day Weekend!!

Time to dance!

Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM | Comments (20)

August 31, 2006

Controversy Thursday: Hell List *

In response to DC Cookie's post from a previous "Controversy Thursday", the Playaz contend that Hell is a very real place and offer the following list of people who are currently burning in hell:

Peter Jennings

Christopher Reeve

Fred Rogers

Walt Disney

Ronald Reagan

Nipsey Russell

Jimmy Stewart

John F. Kennedy

Robert F. Kennedy

John Kennedy, Jr.

John Kennedy Jr's girlfriend

Jacqueline O. Kennedy

Rose Kennedy

Ghandi

Lou Gherig

Robert Reed (Mr. Brady)

Vic Tayback

Audrey Hepburn

Jerry Garcia

Tupac Shakur

Notorious BIG

Dana Plato

Kurt Cobain

Theodor Geisel (Dr Suess)

George Harrison

John Lennon

Charles Schulz

Pearl Bailey

Rosemary Clooney

Sammy Davis Jr

The Andrews sisters

Mabel King

Shirley Hemphill

Lloyd Bentsen

Amelia Earhart

Princess Di

Elizabeth, the Queen Mother

Jacques Cousteau

Gus Grissom

Richard Pryor

Shelley Winters

Adolf Hitler

Pat Morita

Rosa parks

Thurgood Marshall

Mary Kay

Estee Lauder

Ann landers

Charles Kuralt

Hellen Keller

Burl Ives

Chris Penn

Salvador Dali

Burt Lancaster

June Pointer (the Pointer Sisters)

3/5ths of the Dionne Quintuplets

Eddie Rabbitt

Andre the Giant

The Guv'na

Jeffrey Dahmer

Aaron Spelling

Bob Keeshan

Tony Randall

Jerry Orbach

The Rockefellers

Calvin Cooledge

Bruno Kirby

Tiny Tim

Orson Wells

Maria Esther de Capovilla (formerly world's oldest person)

Col. Sanders

Paul Lynde

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Rock Hudson

Donna Reed

Marlin Perkins

Scatman Crothers

Billy Carter

Jim Backus

Shirley Booth

Arthur Ashe

Irving "Swifty" Lazar

Richard Nixon

Eng and Chang Bunker (Siamese Twins)

Eva Gabor

Wolfman Jack

Ella Fitzgerald

Linda McCartney

Walter Payton

Dave Thomas

Nell Carter

*this is a sampling of people currently burning for eternity in Hades, and is not a complete listing.

Posted by Phil at 8:45 AM | Comments (108)

August 29, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: My guide to San Francisco

Greetings everyone! I am back from the Golden State, and would like to share with you the sights of San Francisco.

My wife and I arrived Friday morning, checked in to our hotel and immediately went out to take in the city by the bay. After flying on our jet for the past 5 hours, we were a bit hungry and were on the lookout for some good food. We set course for the infamous Fisherman's Wharf.

Imagine my suprise and delight when I spotted this sign:

Yes! Did you know San Francisco has a Denny's, and that it is just like the Denny's that you and I are familiar with? Neither did I! It was an amazing experience, to think that I was sitting in Denny's thousands of miles from home in San Francisco, eating pancakes just like I could at home!

After that delicious experience, we ventured down to Pier 39, where I had heard San Fran had a bit of a walrus problem or something and Bon had asked me to check it out for him.

Well, we never made it to the walruses because we were too busy staring in wonderment of this exotic city. First there was "Ripley's Believe It or Not!". A museum of oddities and eccentricities the likes of which you have never seen - like the man who could make his eyes bug out of his head, or a gentleman in India who once swallowed $37 in pennies.

Plus, imagine my suprise wandering by this window to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!

Was it?? No! It was the Wax Museum! These life-like and creepy wax statues captivated us for hours. I stared at Yao Ming for over 45 minutes. Donald Trump looked just like he was saying "Phil, you're fired!" Ha! Ha!!

Here's another thing: they had amongst the multitude of shops on the bay an NFL Store where you could purchase apparrel for any NFL team of your choice. I thought about buying a San Francisco 49er's jersey, but instead bought an authentic Atlanta Falcons jersey for $275. I mean, Atlanta is my favorite team, and I can say "I bought this in San Francisco"!

(Speaking of unique purchases, I almost bought this Christmas Ornament, which strangely resembled our own Wayne, but as a mermaid. A possible lawsuit may stem from this.)

They also had a McDonald's that was very cool, and my wife and I ate lunch there every day.

So, after that incredible experience, we checked out of our hotel near Union Square and promptly moved to the Wharf. Everything you could imagine was right there. Sure, I know what you're saying, "But Phil, didn't you explore anyplace else? Lombard Street? Chinatown? Sausalito? Tiburon?" No. There was no reason to go anywhere else, when all the entertainment we wanted was right there, plus, with Denny's and McDonald's nearby, we knew we could get good food that we were familiar with.

I did, however, try one new restaurant that was recommended to me by Rock Creek Rambler, and that was Town Hall.

I put on my best turtleneck and we ventured back across the city to the restaurant, and frankly, I didn't care for what I saw. The menu was all strange with dishes that I couldn't make heads or tails of. I asked the waitress if she had anything resembling the "Grand Slam Breakfast" you could get at Denny's. She gave me a puzzled look and said "No". So, we left and went to Denny's. Thanks, but no thanks, RCR. You see, we know exactly what we are getting at Denny's. At places like these, you have no idea what you're going to get. So stick with what you know, and keep it simple, is my motto.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I ran into these ladies, Vivian and Marian, the San Francisco Twins.

They were very nice and we chatted a bit. Although they've got nothing on my girls, the Atlanta Twins.

Posted by Phil at 9:42 AM | Comments (24)

August 28, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: San Francisco..coming soon

I have been mourning the untimely death of The Guv'na and decided to get out of town for the weekend.

I will update you soon with my own personal guide to San Fracisco.

Posted by Phil at 12:09 PM | Comments (14)

August 15, 2006

Hugo Chavez presents portrait of Wayne to ailing Cuban dictator

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez presented a canvas portrait of Wayne to the ailing Fidel Castro, regaling him with tales of Playaz Ball to lift the communist dictator's spirits.

"Tell me, Senor Chavez -- how went Playaz Ball '06?" the feeble Castro asked.

"You wouldn't believe it!" exclaimed Chavez. "They has pistoles, and a beaver, and drugs!...it was freakin' hilarious, man!"

"Ohhh..." said a wistful Castro. "I only wish my health had been better and that I could find the strength to access playazball.com to see their antics," he pined. "This portrait you have given me will give me the inspiration to recover, so that I may read more of the Playaz as I lead the Cuban people into the future."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (18)

August 9, 2006

Kenny Rogers tells Atlanta Journal "I made more money than that"...Playa-style

Kenny made it a point today to correct the Atlanta Journal for absurdly reporting that Kenny might not have made money on his recent home sale, saying he made much more money on his Buckhead mansion than the paper led us to believe. The paper had stated Rogers' home was purchased for $8.5 million when he had been asking $10 million. Kenny let them know they had short-changed him and to come correct:

"that was strictly for the real estate. It was $8.5 million for the real estate. And then the rest of it was for all the furnishings that I put in — and I made a profit on that," adding, "I made a lot of money on it." - courtesy of Richard Eldredge for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Kenny then expounds on his mastery of the real estate market here in Atlanta, hinting at a partnership with Donald Trump.

You may read the full report at ajc.com. (second story down - registration may be required)

Posted by Phil at 12:25 PM | Comments (28)

July 12, 2006

Bizarro Kenny

In what is a little-known fact, there is a menace that exists here on our Earth...a menace that has plagued and beleaguered the Playaz for many, many years. I am talking about Bizarro Kenny.

Bizarro Kenny is a grotesque imitation of Kenny Rogers, the world's greatest country singer and musician. Bizarro Kenny was formed from lifeless matter and takes on the physical features of Kenny, but is backwards in every way from the real Kenny. That imperfect and disturbing creation is Michael McDonald.

Brought into being by a duplicator ray created by the Doobie Brothers (well-known arch nemesis to Kenny Rogers and his rock group "First Edition"), Bizarro Kenny was created from the DNA of Kenny Rogers into human form.

Bizarro Kenny has a chalky, pale complexion and a misshapen face, unlike Kenny's own god-like appearance.

Bizarro Kenny lives in a bizarro world, where it is considered a good thing to make crappy music, or to sing in an obnoxious manner. He does things opposite of Kenny. For example, Bizarro Kenny often sings "MoTown" hits made popular by the likes of great singers such as Smokey Robinson, Ottis Redding, and Marvin Gaye despite Bizarro Kenny's incredible white-ness. Also, whereas Kenny Rogers will sing you the classic tune "Ruby", Bizarro Kenny will sing worn-out and incredibly cliched song "Ain't No Mountian High Enough".

Kenny Rogers and Bizarro Kenny have done battle many times, yet Kenny has been unable to permanently rid the world of Bizarro Kenny. The Playaz despise him as much as any musical artist.

Bizarro Kenny has often referred to himself as "the greatest singer of all" in his backward world, yet has been quoted as saying "Me don't belong in world of living people! Me don't know difference between right and wrong - good music and bad!"

Help us rid the world of Bizarro Kenny, won't you?

Posted by Phil at 9:13 AM | Comments (21)

July 10, 2006

Pamplona, Spain kicks off 9-day festival with "Running of the Playaz"

The northern Spanish city of Pamplona kicked off their annual festival and countdown to Playaz Ball with it's annual "Running of the Playaz".

This morning, at 8 a.m., the Playaz were let loose from a holding pen onto Santo Domingo Street, at which point they were free to run the .8 kilometer route into the city's bullring where throngs of excited and terrified fans await them.

Typically, thousands of fans of the Playaz run along side trying both to get near the Playaz, yet maintain a safe distance. The size of the crowd, and the unpredictability of the Playaz, adds to the risk involved in the experience.

"Most fans view the Playaz as friendly persons who are rather harmless," one experienced runner was quoted as saying. "But underestimating them can be a fatal mistake," he added.

Fortunately, the 3 minute run resulted in only one serious injury. Playaz fan Steve Skalish was inadvertently gored when he allowed himself to get too close to Bon. Undeterred, Skalish was quoted as saying "it was a great experience, and I'd do it again."

The Playaz are expected to head to Italy sometime next week on the last leg of their European trek before Playaz Ball 2006.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (14)

July 7, 2006

Jumping Snake River Canyon not so difficult

I really don't see what the big deal was. Jumping Snake River Canyon simply isn't that difficult.

With a Playaz custom-built Skycycle, I successfully jumped the 1,580 feet across the canyon with nothing more than a healthy dose of comet dust and a Honda 250 dirtbike stabilized by a rocket shell with fins and rocket booster. A few hay bails strategically placed on the other side of the canyon served to break my fall.

Evel Knievel failed in 1974 when his version of the skycycle crashed in the river below.

Really, what's the big deal? I can't count the number of times the Playaz have jumped our Lincoln Continental across the fountain when arriving at Caesar's Palace.

So, with nothing to do (since Tac was busy administering Ken Lay potassium chloride in the middle of the night, Guv'na was selling phony Coke recipes to Pepsi, Bon was partying with the Japanese Prime Minister, and Wayne was at the beach with Jessica Simpson), I built a rocket-cycle and headed to Idaho.

Evel Knievel was highly overrated.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM | Comments (11)

June 30, 2006

United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth

Only 230 years old and in that time we've: Beat the crap out of England, beat the crap out of Indians, beat the crap out the Spanish & Mexicans, beat the crap out of ourselves, beat the crap out of Germany (twice), beat the crap out of Italy, beat the crap out of Japan, beat the crap out of Korea, almost beat the crap out of Vietnam, made some sweet moolah off of Iraq & Iran, beat the crap out of Iraq, then beat the crap out of Iraq again, and are keeping out the Mexicans with a gigantic fence.

I'm pretty sure we also invented "Tivo", the greatest invention ever.

U.S. is the best, and don't let anyone tell you different.

Have a happy and safe fourth of July, everyone.

Posted by Phil at 7:42 AM | Comments (130)

June 28, 2006

Playaz to deploy Larry Holmes as 'Human Cannonball' against North Korean missiles

Sounds like Kim Jong-Il is not living up to his end of the bargain any longer.

The U.S. has summoned the Playaz for assistance once again. And once again, we have a solution:

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (21)

June 23, 2006

Fan Mail

Many of you email us from time to time, and we read and reply to each and every email we receive. Friday I received an email from a young man who works at Lord West, a tuxedo rental store as best I can tell. I have decided to share with you this engaging and delightful email from "jeffs".

I have posted them in the order they were exchanged.

Note: The below email contains some partially edited profanity. If you are under the age of 18, please turn off your computer immediately.

From: jeffs
To: playaz@playazball.com
Re: GAY
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 2:26 PM

BOOOOOOO!!! WEBSITE SUCKS C_CK!!!!!!

On 6/23/06, Phil wrote:
(laughing) What??
P.S. Your tuxedos suck c--k.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:13 PM
To: Phil

Tuxedos? Did you go to tuxedos.com ? Ever wear a tuxedo? Or are you to busy running around in gay customes and sh*tty photoshop work? Every Image on your website is sh*t, Looks like someone just picked up Microsoft paint and try to do something with it, Learn some photoshop skills and design skill. Playaz ball, should be homo ball, Looks like a bunch of grown ass men trying to be funny with a sh*tty website, and the name Playaz ball lol ever touch a women besides your ugly ass wife?

On 6/23/06 3:23 PM, "Phil" wrote:
Costumes? Photoshop?

Your tuxedo store is obviously not refined enough to know good taste when they see it. I would never rent one from your store, based on what you've told me here.

As far as women goes: ever hear of "Dian Parkinson"? That should tell you all you need to know.

Our site is serious, and is not designed to be funny.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:35 PM
To: Phil

Store? Rent? This is not a tuxedo store, we handle big names like Ralph lauren, Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis,
Ecko Unltd, and I’m a graphic Designer for this company. We don’t rent. We sell to stores that do rent. Now whats so serious about your site? First look , I though it was couple guys trying to make a funny site called playaz ball. Which I though was a joke. Explain your site because your front page doesn’t do anything if it is a real site. Dian Parkinson, No never heard of her, Well maybe I did, old playboy model. I am sure shes old and washed up now.

On 6/23/06 4:00 PM, "Phil" wrote:

I see, the big names. Well I would love something high-end, like this: Link

I think the ascot is a nice touch, and right up my alley. I am a 46 long. And give me a coat with as many buttons down the front as will fit.

No the site is not funny at all. I think that may be where your confusion and anger have set in. It is five of us, and we report to you on our activities.

As far as the design and your self-proclaimed expertise, here's an idea: Why don't you pay us to do design work to our site to improve it?

And how dare you, sir, declare Ms Parkinson "old and washed up"!! !!!!!!!1!!!one!

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Phil

Lol, I’m only 22, Shes before my time. I don’t know about paying you, but you can pay me to improve your site . Good luck

On 6/23/06 4:16 PM "Phil" wrote:

She could teach you a lesson or two in the ways of love, young man.

You obviously don't understand how our business model works. You may go here for reference: Link

I'm suprised you are only 22.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:35 PM
To: Phil

Well I get the point, I look at everything a certain way, My first impression should be WOW, then I get hooked into it. I seriously though your website was just for fun, I try to be perfect in every aspect in design. Bad designs upset me and I have no clue why. So that’s why I emailed you, Most people don’t email me back but you did so it was pretty funny. I’ll have to look into your site more to understand I guess, But your link did help. Why are you so surprised I’m 22?

On 6/23/06 4:47 PM "Phil" wrote:

Just kidding. I am not suprised.

Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM | Comments (15)

June 18, 2006

Guv'na goes to dentist for first time in over 30 years

The Guv'na recently decided (at the urging of the rest of the Playaz) to pay a visit to the local dentist's office. It was the first time Guv'na had seen a dentist in over 30 years.

The Guv'na, as many of you may recall, originally hails from merry old England, where the Guv'na lived as a small child until moving to the United States. Dental hygiene is generally not considered a priority among Brits, and The Guv'na grew up with a similar regard.

Guv'na insisted he took fine care of his teeth, brushing daily with "Hedley & Wyche", the British toothpaste made of pure cane sugar.

After discussing basic dental procedure, the dentist asked to take a look inside Guv'na's mouth.

After the hygienist's screaming was quelled, they went to work.

After roughly 36 hours of continuous dental work, the Guv'na's teeth are as good as new. Guv'na now insists he will visit the dentist at least thrice every quarter-century.

Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM | Comments (14)

June 15, 2006

Playaz remove protestor Darryl Hannah from tree

The Playaz successfully removed celebrity protestor Darryl Hannah from a Los Angeles area walnut tree that Hannah had crawled into to protest it's destruction at the hands of local developers.

The star of the 1984 movie Splash is a known enviromental activist. Hannah had managed to defend the tree for over 23 days before the Playaz were called in by Los Angeles authorities.

The Playaz made quick work of Hannah and other protestors lodged in the tree when they weilded a flame thrower that set ablaze the tree and 14 acres of forest surrounding them.

Prior to the Playaz arrival, the protest had quickly became a celebrity-studded campaign, with the likes of Joan Baez, the folk singer, Willie Nelson, the country singer, and actors Leonardo Di Caprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen all visiting the site. It is believed all died in the blaze, thanks to the Playaz.

"We cannot thank the Playaz enough for their selfless acts in ensuring this development will go on without the interference of annoying celebrities like Darryl Hannah," the mayor of Los Angeles was quoted as saying.

Posted by Phil at 12:00 PM | Comments (18)

June 13, 2006

Pitt and Jolie thank Playaz publicly for assistance in birth of their child

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the first time publicly thanked the Playaz for their assistance in the delivery of their daughter Shiloh in Namibia, Africa.

Tac, an amateur ob/gyn, lead the Playa-delivery team, where Angelina delivered baby Shiloh on May 27th. Guv'na coached Angelina through the labor, and Bon was on hand to cut the umbilical cord.

"We would like to deeply thank the Playaz for all their kindness and commitment in assuring the successful birth of our daughter," Pitt and Jolie said. Jolie also provided another bit of news. Says her friend: "She said she wants the Playaz to deliver her child as well."

Pitt, Jolie and the Playaz sold the "official" photos of their baby to People magazine and granted them an interview as well.

When asked to comment on any upcoming wedding bells, Pitt and Jolie were quoted as saying "we don't have any dates set just yet, but we do know Wayne will handle our eventual divorce."

Posted by Phil at 9:40 AM | Comments (15)

June 12, 2006

Playaz continue their war on terror; set their sights on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Despite our successful mission that resulted in the death of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Al-Zarqawi, the Playaz are not resting.

Just because one prominent extremist is dead, that does not mean there won't be others to follow in his footsteps.

That's why the Playaz have vowed to take down the person we suspect is next in line for the throne of terror - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yes, it may suprise you to hear that, as Jabbar is a beloved NBA legend who once held the career scoring record and won multiple world championships with the Los Angeles Lakers.

But did you know that "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar" is a muslim name? That it was once "Lew Alcindor" before he changed it? Therefore, we must assume "Kareem" is a terrorist...a "sleeper" who toiled silently in the NBA for 20 years with the Lakers and Milwaukee Bucks, biding his time until it was his turn to lead.

But fear not - we have battled Kareem before, and we will do it again. Only this time, he won't live to tell the tale.

We also have our eye on Muhammad Ali.

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (24)

June 6, 2006

Would you be my pen-pal?

As I was wondering how I would celebrate "Seis de Satanás" (6/6/06), I decided to find a new pen-pal (although today everything is done via text messaging or emails).

Yesterday I was reading this, which featured photos of the rock band Lordi. So I thought, "who better to email a letter to on a day such as today than one of these fine gentlemen?"

I decided to email "Kita", the drummer, as drummers are typically the lowest on the rock group food chain (except maybe for keyboardists) and might possibly feel a bit lonely on the evilest of days.

Here is what I sent:

From: Phil Mailed-By: gmail.com

To: kita@lordi.org Date: Jun 5, 2006 2:48 PM Subject: Greetings Kita!

Hello, Kita!

I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I have just recently discovered your band - I assumed most people email Lordi himself, and that the rest of the band-mates do not get as much attention, so I am emailing you!

How are you?

You seem to have an interesting band. I, too, have a "band", if you will, but we do not play instruments. We mainly drink bourbon and do drugs (comet dust and cocaine the drug of choice).

I noticed you are from Finland? I have direct ancestors from Norway - I don't know if the Fins hate the Norwegians or the other way around, but as I see it, we are all Scandanavian brothers, yes?

I also wanted to ask you about playing the drums. Does the armor get in the way? How about the torn-open decaying flesh? It would seem difficult with the work it takes to play drums with the nerve endings being exposed like that - or, perhaps they are dead?

Anyway, I look forward to learning more about Lordi (the band - I still think you're the best).

Best wishes,
Phil

I will let you know if I should receive correspondence back from Kita.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 AM | Comments (24)

June 2, 2006

Missing you

YouTube link

Posted by Phil at 9:20 AM | Comments (18)

May 31, 2006

Tac administers comet dust-laced shake to Pat Robertson, giving him 'strength of a full-grown Clydesdale'

Tac proclaims comet dust gave "700 Club" host Pat Robertson the strength of a raging Clydesdale horse capable of leg pressing 2,000 lbs.

Read the story

A magic shake, containing protein, flaxseed oil, and enough comet dust to cause a 73 year old man to smash through a brick wall, gave Robertson the strength to achieve the age-defying feat.

Tac has cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with comet dust. Comet dust was also involved in the tragic death of Don Knotts.

Posted by Phil at 2:36 PM | Comments (10)

May 30, 2006

Playaz replace water supply with delicious Sunny Delight

5/31: Our servers/comments were down most of yesterday, but are back up and running today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

This weekend, we decided to replace the earth's water system with deliciously refreshing Sunny Delight.

With the turn of a valve, we dumped millions of gallons into area streams, rivers, lakes, and tributaries of the fruit flavored beverage that will alter the hydrologic cycle. Soon, the Sunny D will evaporate into the air forming tangy, vitamin C filled clouds that will rain down Sunny Delight eventually replacing what we know now as "water". Imagine...you will have "Sunny D" running through your taps!

We feel that water is rather bland tasting, and decided to utilize our extensive resources to dump Sunny D into area reservoirs and water systems to the delight of billions of people across the globe (along with a nice kick-back from the Sunny Delight Beverage Corporation :)).

Here is what the new water cycle will look like:

So enjoy a refreshing summer - expect fall and winter months to feature "Baja", and for spring, "Intense Sport" flavors!

Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM | Comments (21)

May 24, 2006

Playaz fight for right to untamed bush

Playaz' attorney Wayne along with Larry Holmes staged a rally yesterday, protesting for the Playaz' right to untamed shrubbery growth.

Currently, the Playaz are facing a civil lawsuit and a letter of reprimand from city authorities, both separate matters and both pertaining to unkempt bush.

The lawsuit stems from Playaz Headquarters, where it contends the Playaz' bush should be trimmed and it's growth managed. According to the lawsuit, our bush is said to "block the circulation of ocean breezes" and prevents the plaintiff from viewing the scenery that is otherwise obscured by our bush.

The letter of reprimand relates to the Guv'na's palatial estate in Georgia. The city has accused Guv'na of having an "impenetrable bush", and it is keeping the water meter reader from penetrating the bush to gain access to the meter.

Photo of The Guv'na's unkempt bush, which Guv'na contends it should be quite easy for a meter reader to penetrate

"I have never pruned or trimmed my bush before and do not feel I have to now," Guv'na states. "It is all natural and has been that way since I came to own it," he added.

Guv'na claims he will ask Wayne to file a suit against the city citing civil rights violations. When asked to site examples of such violations, Guv'na would only say "I bid you good day, sir."

* Phil's note: You think this is a joke, but it is not.

Posted by Phil at 12:31 PM | Comments (21)

May 23, 2006

Raconteurs

I am interrupting our regularly scheduled Playaz broadcast to tell you if you aren't currently listening to the Letter To America podcast, you should.

poster courtesy of Jett Loe/LTA

Why? For one, it is backed by us, The Playaz. As everyone knows, once something receives our endorsement, it is sure to take off. Second, Jett Loe and Frank, the Delicious American Pastime (aka, Wayne Ordinary American) do an excellent job week in and week out.

Even though you are 35 chapters late, there is still room to climb on the bandwagon. You can simply be fashionably late.

The show is downloadable via iTunes, or directly from the site.

Posted by Phil at 9:33 AM | Comments (16)

May 21, 2006

Playaz unveil new line of dog food

The Playaz announced their new line of dog food that will be hitting the shelves on Monday.

The Playaz new dog food consists only of 100% pure championship thoroughbred horse. No rice, no cereal.

The Playaz understand that you love your pet, and will settle for nothing less for your dog than the former Kentucky Derby winner, just as the Playaz do.

So go out and pick up a bag of "Barbaro Chow" for your dog at your local store!

Posted by Phil at 8:36 AM | Comments (18)

May 17, 2006

Tac patiently awaits orders from Gilad to strike

Tac has been awaiting patiently for instructions from Gilad, former ESPN fitness guru and creator of Bodies In Motion with Gilad video tapes.

According to Tac, Gilad has been rigorously training him for over 20 years through these video tapes for a mission not yet revealed to Tac.

Tac rises at 6 a.m. each day to tune in to the television show to see if the day has come when Gilad orders the strike. Tac adds that whatever the mission entails, he will be ready for it.

"Every morning I prepare myself for Gilad's intense physical training. Then, I insert the VHS tapes and proceed to perform over 300 lunges, 200 ab-crunches, and 375 squat-thrusts at Gilad's behest, and wait for some message instructing me that it is time to strike."

Tac is convinced Gilad is preparing him for battle against some unknown foe. "I know Charles Atlas and Jack LaLanne are dead, so it can't be them," Tac said. "But whoever it is, I will be ready."

Posted by Phil at 9:11 AM | Comments (13)

May 16, 2006

A Brush With Kenny

You all know how Kenny has touched our lives here at Playaz Ball, but we know many of you have a "Kenny Story", too. Below is a story as told to me by "Restaurant Gal", and her own "brush with Kenny":

I had a brief encounter with Kenny Rogers way-back-when, when he was between the First Edition and going solo as Kenny Rogers. This was not a particularly hi-profile time for Kenny, as he and the First Edition were running a contest to play at your prom if you entered the right Milk Duds contest--I am not kidding about this! We met in a bar in my city on a weeknight, when Kenny's bass player struck up a conversation with me and my friend. Actually, I didn't recognize Kenny until the bass player told us who he was. And I would love to think it was our incredible allure, but the truth is, no one else was at this particular bar! One drink later, they asked us to join them at a club down the street. My girlfriend and I were under 21 at the time, but you could drink beer and wine at 18 back in the day. When we arrived at the club, the bouncer said to Kenny, "You guys can go in, but they (pointing to me and my friend) can't." Without so much as a second glance in our direction, Kenny and the bass player ditched us on the sidewalk, right then and there. As a result, I would MAKE SURE Kenny never gets a table at my restaurant. Okay, he might get a table, but I'd give him a pager and quote a two-hour wait. Just because I could. Ha!

That was a tremendous story, Restaurant Gal, and thank you for sharing that. And kudos to Kenny for strictly adhering to the rules of the club.

Many of you have your own stories to tell. Please feel free to share them in the comments section, or if you feel you have a Kenny Story that warrants it's own post, email it to us for consideration.

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM | Comments (8)

May 15, 2006

Amalgamation

How is our mission going?

"Very well, sir. She works with speed and efficiency."

Just as I thought she would. How many casualties?

"Several, as we expected. CUBE managed to eliminate as many as 10 people."

That will probably be a little messy for us, but it is about what we estimated. So she is in place now?

"Yes, sir."

Good. Will she have our next pick-up ready by tonight?

"Yes, sir. A truckload tonight, another truckload by tomorrow."

E-e-excellent.

Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM | Comments (34)

May 12, 2006

Hibernation

"Sir. The 'Washington Cube' is here, sir."

Good. Thank you for coming.

You are probably wondering what's going on. I feel it is time to be honest with you. I was reading your 'blog' and you mentioned in it a dream you had, that involved our operation. Cube, what you had last night was not a dream. It was a malfunction in your Random Access Memory. Your circuitry was attempting to recall a bit of information programmed into you when you were constructed.

"Constructed?"

Yes. You are a C.U.B.E. 9000 unit. You were constructed many years ago in a secret laboratory. Since then, we've managed to program you in cooperation with someone you know as "Travis" with Throwing Hammers. You are a Cybernetic Universal Blogging Encoder. You are programmed to blog as a cover, in hopes that others will link to you, thereby allowing your metacrawlers to access information for us, The Playaz.

"So why am I here? What was this about a secret word from an Oprah magazine that I thought I dreamed?"

You were given a memory chip with the "word". When that word was given to you, it would activate a program within your system to execute a plan that you were designed to do. That word is "Steadman".

CUBE, the time has come for you to carry out this mission for us.

"Yes, Phil.....
Phil? I'm scared, Phil...."

Don't be. It is what you were born to do.

Oh, and CUBE?....

"Yes, Phil?"

...try not be...conspicuous.

Posted by Phil at 2:00 PM | Comments (29)

What's the frequency, Cube?

As hinted at in the comments below, Washington Cube believes she had a dream...or was it?

I'll have an update later today...perhaps.

Posted by Phil at 10:18 AM | Comments (9)

May 8, 2006

Guv'na's energy saving tips

This winter, many of your were stung by the rising cost of gas, both in your car and at home. The Guv'na shares with you his methods to cut down those gas bills at home to help you prepare for next winter.

If you follow the Guv'na's steps closely, you will see immediate savings during the cold weather months:

Step 1: The Guv'na has a wife and two children. This can be a financial burden when you are expected to keep them warm at all hours of the day. Instead, when you leave the house, turn your thermostat down to an extremely low level. Guv'na sets his at 58 degrees. This will ensure that the heat will in all probability not come on while you are out tending to business.

The family will ultimately adjust to this climate change, and since you are not at home, there is no reason to burn gas that will not be enjoyed by you (and that you will still have to pay for!).

Instruct the family that it is forbidden to adjust the thermostat while you are gone. Doing so may result in severe punishment, or beatings.

Step 2:

When you return home, set the thermostat to a temperature you are comfortable with. The house will be nice and warm this way, and you will not have wasted money during the day.

Step 3:

Curl up on your favorite bearskin rug and nap in the cozy warmth of a roaring gas fireplace and running furnace. (It is best to ask the family to leave as their bodies will likely (and unnecessarily) dissipate the heat by being in the same room as you)

And there you have it! Energy saving tips that will help you fight soaring costs to heat your home. For the upcoming summer months, simply reverse the steps outlined above.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (9)

May 5, 2006

While you are sleeping

They slept on the abyss without a surge -
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expir'd before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd; The Playaz had no need
Of aid from them - they were the Universe.

Posted by Phil at 4:15 PM | Comments (21)

May 3, 2006

Hot ladies of DC Calendar

You asked for it, you got it - below is just a sampling of the "Hot Ladies of DC" Calendar in the works. So far we only have the months of January through July, but it will give you an idea...we may have to work on a "Hot Ladies of Kansas" calendar, but that would only include Sa'idah at the moment.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

That's just so far...I expect several of you to submit to me some tasteful nudes to be included in the later months. Circle V...Buggy..Lawrah...Chase...a certain pirate-woman....just to name a few of you...you know who you are.

Oh, and don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you...

View image

thanx to Asian Mistress for contributions

Posted by Phil at 9:58 PM | Comments (49)

April 28, 2006

Bon prepares delicious 'Black Bear' feast in celebration of Playaz Ball anniversary

Bon captured a black bear in Woodstock, Georgia with his custom-made trap and nothing more than a can of sardines, to be slaughtered and served in a celebration feast to honor "playazball.com"'s one year anniversary.

Bon went all out to please guests with samplings of some of the rarest animals on earth. So rare, in fact, that those animals are now extinct thanks to the party we had.

Some of the delectables at this blowout bash included:

Antillean cave rat

Arabian gazelle

Aurochs

Barbados raccoon

Barbados rice-rat

Barbuda rice-rat

Barbuda rice-rat

Basalt plains mouse

Bavarian pine vole

Big-eared hopping mouse

Black-footed ferret

Bluebuck

Blunt-toothed mouse

Brazilian three-banded armadillo

Broad-faced potoroo

Buhler's rat

Bulldog rat

Canary mouse

Cayman Brac hutia

Cayman Brac nesophont

Cayman hutia

Central hare-wallaby

Central rock rat

Columbian hutia

Corozal rat

Corsican shrew

Crescent nailtail

Cuban spider monkey

Curaçao giant rice rat

Curaçao sloth

Curio's giant rat

Dark flying fox

Darling Downs hopping mouse

Darwin's Galapagos mouse

Desert bandicoot

Desert rat-kangaroo

Dusky flying fox

Eastern hare-wallaby

Emperor rat

Falkland Islands dog

Fernandina Galapagos mouse

Field's mouse

Flat-headed myotis

Flores cave rat

Flores long-nosed rat

Florida naked-tailed rat

Giant deer mouse

Goliath white-toothed shrew

Grand Cayman hutia

Atlantic gray whale

Great hopping mouse

Great key mouse

Grooved-toothed forest mouse

Guadalcanal rat

Guam flying fox

Gulf of California woodrat

Gull Island vole

Hairy-eared dwarf lemur

Haitian edible rat

Hensel's field mouse

Ilin bushy-tailed cloud rat

Imposter hutia

Indefatigable Galapagos mouse

Insular cave rat

Jamaica rice-rat

Jamaican monkey

Jamaican pallid flower bat

Large Corsican field vole

Large funnel-eared bat

Large ghost faced bat

Large Palau flying fox

Large sloth lemur

Large-eared tenrec

Lava mouse

Lemke's hutia

Lesser bilby

Lesser Cuban nesophont

Lesser stick-nest rat

Lesser yellow bat

Long-tailed hopping mouse

long-nosed potoroo

Lord Howe Island bat

Maclear's rat

Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus; common Malagasy hippo

Malagasy dwarf hippopotamus

Marcano's solenodon

Marianas flying fox

Martinique giant rice-rat

Miller's myotis

Montane hutia

Mummy shrew

Negros naked-backed fruit bat

Nelson's rice-rat

Nendo tube-nosed fruit bat

New Guinea big-eared bat

New Zealand greater short-tailed bat

Old fig-eating bat

Omilteme cottontail

Oriente cave rat

Osborn's key mouse

Pemberton's deer mouse

Philippine fruit bat

Pigfooted bandicoot

Poey's pallid flower bat

Pristine mustached bat

Przewalski's horse

Puerto Rican flower bat

Puerto Rican hutia

Puerto Rican plate-toothed mouse

Puerto Rican sloth

Queen of Sheba's gazelle

Rabida Galapagos mouse

Red fruit bat

Red gazelle

Red hairy-tailed bat

Santiago Galapagos Mouse

Sardinian pika

Saudi gazelle

Schomburgk's deer

Sea mink

Short-horned water buffalo

Short-tailed hopping mouse

Small key mouse

Southeastern pocket gopher

St. Lucia giant rice-rat

St. Vincent pygmy rice-rat

Standing's hippo

Steller's sea cow

Sturdee's Bonin pipistrelle

Swan Island hutia

Tanzania woolly bat

Tasmanian bettong

Thylacine; Tasmanian wolf

Toolache wallaby

Torre's cave rat

Tretretretre

Verhoeven's giant tree rat

Vespucci's rat

Victorious nesophont

Vietnam warty pig

West Indian monk seal

West Indian porcupine

Western Cuban nesophont

Western palm squirrel
and
White-footed rabbit-rat

Mmm, mm!! Thanks, Bon!

2:55 pm Update: Bon back at work

Posted by Phil at 10:05 AM | Comments (123)

April 27, 2006

On this day in history, PlayazBall.com was born

One year ago today, Playaz Ball, the blog, began with this simple yet poignant post.

We started with few readers (5 to be exact). We have grown significantly since then, and we truly appreciate each and every one of you who visit our website.

I have put together a brief slideshow of photos to reflect on this past year, many of which you have seen before if you are longtime readers, with a few new pics thrown in that have not been seen by the public.

So get out your handkerchiefs and enjoy this photographic montage of nothing in particular, and in random order.

or, you may also view the video by clicking this link to YouTube

And while you're at it, feel free to re-live these classic tales of yester-year.

Posted by Phil at 9:00 AM | Comments (15)

April 25, 2006

Playaz deem surgery on Kenny Rogers a success

Whew!

Well, we have been working long hours to repair Kenny Rogers, and I can proudly say it has been a success.

Let's be honest. We were all frightened by what we saw. But we knew that with the proper counsel with Kenny and surgical precision that we could rebuild the man.

I will let the results speak for themselves.

Before:

After:

As we mentioned before, we also implanted several cybernetic devices. A 20.1:1 telescopic zoom in Kenny's right eye. A bionic right arm with the strength of a bulldozer. Two bionic legs that allow Kenny to run at super-speeds.

Kenny is currently rehabbing and getting used to his new abilities, which I'm sure will come in handy for both him and us.

We hear there is a 'Bigfoot' roaming in the northwestern forests with plans on looting America's precious jewels.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (35)

April 21, 2006

We are tired

The Playaz are so very, very tired.

We work constantly to entertain you. We just want to rest. Just for a bit.

May we lie here for just a brief time? We promise we won't disturb anything.

Next week, the "Playaz Ball" blog will be one year old. 365 days of blogging enjoyment for the masses. Can't you see we just need some rest?

Please, for the love of God!

Posted by Phil at 12:55 PM | Comments (18)

April 20, 2006

Playaz, we can rebuild him

We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic country singer. Kenny will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.

Posted by Phil at 9:07 AM | Comments (19)

April 17, 2006

Guv'na & Chewbacca to travel cross country together in 18-wheeler

The Guv'na and Chewbacca have begun a cross country journey together via 18 wheeler that will take them across the continental 48 states, parts of Canada, and Mexico to promote the upcoming 2006 Playaz Ball.

Guv'na and Chewbacca will be handing out kangols and candy canes to spread word of the big event, scheduled to occur July 27th through the 30th.

Chewy and The Guv'na are not charting unfamiliar waters, so to speak. Prior to Chewbacca's assistance to the Playaz through our NASA projects, the odd couple had travelled together for many years, getting into various misadventures on the road. In the late 70s, Guv'na and Chewy would bootleg Coors beer across the Texarkana line, then considered illegal in the southern bible-belt states.

The Guv'na's only complaint is sharing a sleeper cabin with the 7 and a half foot space-ape.

"It is highly uncomfortable, and the beast emits a formidable scent," Guv'na has said. "But, it is for the good of Playaz Ball," he added.

Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM | Comments (26)

April 12, 2006

Sign up now for the Playaz phone service!

Through one of our newly acquired subsidiaries, we are now providing home telephone service across the globe.

Currently, we only have one customer.

Posted by Phil at 1:24 PM | Comments (34)

April 11, 2006

We have a very urgent and important announcement to make

Please watch this very important informational video.

Press releases have been sent this morning to the Atlanta Journal - Constitution, the Washington Post, the New York Times, Associated Press, and the Belfast Telegraph.

or, you can click this link to YouTube

Update 4/12:

Attached is a copy of the Press Release we sent to the newspapers listed above. This is a "condensed" version, as I sent unique releases to each paper, but this will give you the idea of what was sent.

View the press release (.doc format)

Posted by Phil at 9:41 AM | Comments (53)

April 6, 2006

Michael Flatley attempts to enter United States; Is intercepted and beaten by the Playaz

Michael Flatley, self-proclaimed "Lord of the Dance", attempted to enter the United States by boat to embark on a tour across the country until he was intercepted and summarily beaten by The Playaz.

An anonymous tip let the Playaz know of Flatley's arrival, where the Playaz met Flatley's boat at the port of Charleston, South Carolina.

It was from there that the Playaz took Flatley to a secluded Kansas cornfield (thanks, Saidah!) and beat him within an inch of his life before returning Flatley back to Ireland, instructing him never to return to the U.S.

The Playaz blame Flatley for all that is wrong with dancing, and in particular, white people dancing.

To see what we mean, please watch this video of a couple of our American friends now living in Northern Ireland, who are afflicted with this terrible, terrible disease.

I blame you, Michael Flatley!

*Note: Today at 5 p.m. our server will be down for approximately 1 hr for maintenance. Thank you - Phil

Posted by Phil at 8:35 AM | Comments (15)

April 4, 2006

Tac wins owl calling contest

Tac was recently named the 2006 Owl Calling champion at the recent Owl Festival held this past March.

Tac can call over 132 different owl species. It is said that Tac has a mysterious ability to communicate with owls, a talent that has not been fully explored by the Playaz, but one that may come in handy some day. To hear Tac calling an owl, click here. Tac does not use any man-made instruments in his call - it is strictly his voice.

Mark you calendars for 2007 to attend one of Tac's Owl Calling classes.

Owl Hall of Fame

Owl Festival

Posted by Phil at 9:18 AM | Comments (130)

April 3, 2006

Playaz purchase space robot 'Goldar' at flea market

Several of the Playaz visited a local flea market recently and discovered the former Space Giant "Goldar" standing amidst some various and sundry items being sold.

The 50 foot tall golden robot from outer space was seen "standing next to some junk, you know, old record albums, bongs, belt buckles," according to The Guv'na, and it was apparently for sale.

A young asian man going by the name "Mikko" was manning a card table of items for purchase that included the robot known as "Goldar". After a bit of haggling, Mikko agreed to let Goldar go to us for $21.

While we Playaz aren't exactly sure what we're going to do with our new possession, we feel he will come in handy when the time comes for more Comet Dust, as Goldar is able to transform himself into a rocket ship and carries with him several defense mechanisms.

His gamma-ray firing antennae seem to work okay, although he is out of torpedoes that would normally fire from his chest cavity. Other than that he works just fine. We were instructed to merely keep his joints lubricated from time to time.

The drawback is that this "Goldar" talks, which can be annoying at times, and he seems quite depressed. He keeps rambling on about his "wife" (?) who went by the name "Silvar", who according to him was much like a human in size and appearance. And, they had a kid! He didn't seem to know where he was. I guess they got divorced somewhere along the line. How this "marriage" worked I'll never know, but whatever.

He also likes to reminisce about his 'glory days' when he did battle with a fanged, afro'ed villain called "Rodak". We are forced to patronize him and his boring chatter until we can figure out if there is a switch that will turn him off.

Anyway, it is none of our concern as he is now indebted to us in eternal robot servitude.

We also saw a 1971 model "Spectreman" there, but it appeared to be in quite a state of disrepair.

Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM | Comments (7)

April 1, 2006

Bad news

I am shutting down this site.

Also, we have all contracted the bird flu.

Update: I have tricked you! April Fool's! Playaz Ball.com is continuing on, and the Playaz are 100% disease-free.

Posted by Phil at 9:24 AM | Comments (20)

March 14, 2006

Richard Dawson is dead and I don't feel so good myself

Things didn't fare so well for us and Letter To America at the Irish Blog Awards.

In keeping with the trend of bad news, the Los Angeles police requested that Bon come in for questioning in the recent death of Don Knotts.

We're not sure why or what is going on. Bon has not said anything about why they want to talk to him, and frankly we aren't sure either.

Stay tuned...

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM | Comments (10)

March 12, 2006

Playaz attempt to rig Irish Blog Awards; in other words, just another ordinary weekend

Saturday night was the 1st annual Irish Blog Awards ceremony held in Dublin Ireland.

We thought we might try to help our friend Jett Loe over at Letter To America win in his nominated categories of Best Blog, Best Arts & Culture Blog, and Best Photo Blog by attempting to swap out the envelopes with a mole we planted in the hotel.

Tune in the LTA's latest podcast to see how it all turned out.

Update

If you listen to the podcast, at the end of the show is a nice little tune that serves as the lead-out. Be sure and listen through as there is an important, yet sad clip you shouldn't miss.

Posted by Phil at 6:54 PM | Comments (32)

March 10, 2006

Emailz

Just as everything the Playaz do is first-class, now our email addresses are too (or, as my mother would call them, our "websites").

Please make note in your address book that our email address is not just changing, but you may now include the personal email address of each individual Playa.

Our general email, that will now be sent to all Playaz when you choose it, is no longer the Yahoo! address but is now playaz@playazball.com (please note: all Playaz will receive the emails sent to this address).

If you want to send an email specifically to a particular Playa, please use the respective addresses below:

phil@playazball.com

wayne@playazball.com

guvna@playazball.com

bon@playazball.com

tac@playazball.com

The addresses are in the sidebar for your convenience. The Yahoo! address will remain active for a while, so don't worry if you still send something there.

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM | Comments (23)

March 9, 2006

Guv'na's fur

Many of you have long been admirers of The Guv'na's luxurious mink coats. But many of you do not know where they come from.

Many of you would assume that The Guv'na buys his coats and accessories at "Furs, Furs, Furs!" or at one of major retailers on New York's Fifth Avenue, but you would be wrong!

The Guv'na operates and maintains his own fully functional mink farm, located right here in the suburbs of Atlanta.

However, these minks are not available to the general public. They are captured, raised, and bred for The Guv'na's own personal needs. When Guv'na has soiled a coat with his own vomit, he will go to the farm to personally select the minks that will be used for a new one. Or, let's say the Guv'na desires a new item of clothing or an accessory to be made of 100% mink...how does that work, you ask? Quite simply:

Step 1 = Guv'na hand-selects the minks to be used from farm.

step 2 - Minks are killed.

step 3 - Mink kangol is made and ready for Guv'na to wear.

Guv'na has made all kinds of items from his minks, from this stunning winter hat Guv'na is modelling below...

To a tiny mink coat for his dog...

The Guv'na has made one coat, specially requested by Loni Anderson, not for Guv'na's own use.

The Guv'na does run a school to teach people who want to capture and raise their own mink. Guv'na does not trap his mink, as Bon would, but rather prefers the more sporting method of lassoing his mink on horseback. Here at the ranch people can learn how to track and lasso their own mink!

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM | Comments (10)

March 7, 2006

Playaz arrive at Vanity Fair Oscar after party

I have a few photos I thought you'd like to see from Sunday night as the Playaz were invited to the Vanity Fair after party following the Oscars (part of our promotional efforts for "Six Pack 2" coming out next summer).

Tac entertains the ladies at the V.F. after party

Wayne and Harvey Weinstein laugh about the financial blunder Miramax made by not picking up the option on 'Six Pack 2' while Catherine Zeta-Jones sits in Wayne's lap (Yes, CZ-J carries her old Oscar with her everywhere)

Guv'na gets frisky

Bon arrives in style

"Honey, you were only acting...remember?"

Lindsay Lohan was hitting on the Playaz all night

Lohan and Tac leaving the party

Posted by Phil at 9:12 AM | Comments (34)

February 27, 2006

Bon to serve as caterer to new Georgia Aquarium

Bon's culinary services have been retained by the new $200 million Georgia Aquarium to serve as their caterer for banquets, private parties, and receptions.

The Georgia Aquarium boasts the beautiful "Ocean's Ballroom", which has the capacity to serve a sit-down dinner for as many as 1,000 people.

The Ocean's Ballroom is flanked by a viewing window of the Aquarium's sub-aquatic habitat, where patrons may specifically choose which marine life they would like to eat that particular evening.

At the behest of smaller private parties, Bon will swim into the tank, identify the fish or mammal chosen and personally kill the selected fish before cleaning it and preparing it for the guest's supper.

In the event of very large groups, Bon will personally select a tank to dynamite for that evening's fare and will serve whatever is blown out of the water or floats to the surface.

So please, next time you are in Atlanta, don't forget to stop by the World's Largest Aquarium, the Georgia Aquarium. Tell them the Playaz sent you, and that you wouldn't mind a little Baluga Whale courtesy of Bon himself! ;)

Posted by Phil at 1:13 PM | Comments (23)

February 25, 2006

Nooo!!!!!

It wasn't his time!!!!!

We could only do so much without destroying the space-time continuum.

The Playaz are weeping.

Posted by Phil at 10:56 PM | Comments (19)

February 23, 2006

Life goes on.

"A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms...

Enthusiasms...

What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy?."


- Dames!
- Boozin'!

"Baseball!"

"A man...

A man stands alone at the plate.

This is the time for what?

For individual achievement.

There he stands alone. But in the field, what?

PART OF A TEAM. Teamwork...

Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team.

Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on.

But if he don't field...what is he? You follow me?

No one.

Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say?.

I'm goin' out there for myself.

But...l get nowhere...unless the team wins."


- Team!
- Team.

Rest in peace, Direct Current.

Posted by Phil at 12:08 AM | Comments (19)

February 22, 2006

Tac accused of smuggling comet dust to China inside cat

Chinese authorities arrested Tac for attempting to smuggle into their country approximately 33 pounds of comet dust inside of a cat.

A local newscast picked up on the story and released footage of the cat along with an incriminating photo of Tac holding the comet dust-packed feline that was shown on the Chinese television network CCTV.

Wayne released a statement on Tac's behalf saying that the cat was actually being given to the Chinese to be eaten, not to smuggle in the highly addictive narcotic the Playaz' discovered in outer space. Wayne also stated that the comet dust found inside the cat must have been consumed by the cat itself, with Tac and the Playaz unaware. "We just thought the cat had a bit of a weight problem, and we know how much the Chinese like to eat cats, so we thought we'd sell it to them and make a tidy profit, since we obtained the cat originally for free," said Wayne.

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (14)

February 19, 2006

Playaz take Olympic gold in curling competition

The Playaz brought home the gold for the U.S. in the curling competition in Turin.

We have been training very hard these past four years and our efforts paid off, as the Playaz can now be called the world's curling champions.

I served as the team's coach, Wayne was the "skipper", Tac the 2nd, Guv'na the 3rd, and Bon was the alternate.

Below is a photo of me and Wayne on the sideline. The "skip" typically calls the shot and rotates in and out with the other three (Coaching was great. I didn't have to participate, and could enjoy a Makers & ginger on the sidelines).

On the final shot, Tac delivered a beautiful stone, and Bon and The Guv'na swept to perfection.

We were accused by other countries of 'doping' prior to the competition, which of course we were. A steroid/cocaine/comet dust cocktail was given to each of the Playaz prior to our event, which allowed us to curl with more focus, with higher accuracy, and to sweep faster than anyone else on the ice.

We are very proud of this accomplishment! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Posted by Phil at 4:14 PM | Comments (112)

February 16, 2006

Bon finishes off 78 year old nuisance Harry Whittington

Bon finished off the job Vice President Dick Cheney could not by proffering a shotgun blast at close range to hospitalized lawyer Harry Whittington.

Whittington had been shot in the face by Vice President Cheney recently, but Cheney could not put an end to the life of a man who was despised by everyone who knew him.

"Cheney's method was faulty," Bon was quoted as saying shortly after he unloaded both barrells on an unsuspecting Whittington. "First, Cheney was only using a .28 gauge and was firing from at least 30 yards away," Bon said. "A sawed off .410 from 6 inches will do the job just fine," he added.

An embarrassed Cheney called the Playaz to admit that he could not kill this feeble old man and pleaded for our assistance.

Bon then concealed his sawed-off shotgun beneath a leather coat, entered Whittington's hospital room where Whittington was resting comfortably, approached Whittington, then proceeded to "close the deal", as Bon put it.

Cheney apologized Wednesday to the nation for not doing the job he had set out to do - to kill Harry Whittington. He offered no excuses, and put the blame entirely on himself.

Bon promised to offer shooting lessons to Cheney, so that this type of accident would never happen again.

A file photo shows Bon and Tac presenting a rifle to Vice President Cheney earlier this year

Posted by Phil at 8:20 AM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

February 10, 2006

The Playaz play the silver ball

The Playaz have recently struck a deal with Bally to produce a series of pinball machines with the Playaz' likenesses on them.

Bally of course wishes to boost their sales by capitalizing on our popularity. We hope to move into the "illegal" gaming industry by ultimately transitioning into Playaz slot machines, to be placed in convenience stores and on Indian reservations everywhere (following the lead of our mentor, Larry Holmes.)

Here are a couple of samples of the pinball artwork that will be featured on the games:

Wayne and our legal team tells me this resembles Evel Knievel too closely, but I contend it is purely coincidental. I was wearing "star and bars" leather jumpsuits long before he did. Besides, I feel sure that neither he nor his son Robbie have much longer to live, so I'll take my chances with a lawsuit.

This game features Wayne as the highlighted Playa. We will install it in women's restrooms, as it will be a big hit with the ladies. Once you reach a certain score, the game will dispense ladies' "personal effects".

Posted by Phil at 9:22 AM | Comments (111)

February 8, 2006

While I was away

I finally returned home and found the Playaz in total shambles.

In my absence, Bon had become an animal-lover,

Tac had gone preppy,

and The Guv'na had really let himself go, and was not the refined gentleman of leisure that we all know him as.

Looks like I've got some work to do to get these Playaz back on track.

Wayne was not affected as he has been busy handling the separation of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow, which we told you about back in September. Wayne decided to advise them to skip the marriage and go ahead with the divorce.

Posted by Phil at 10:30 AM | Comments (16) | TrackBack

February 6, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: Final Entry

I am refreshed! A full belly did the trick. Although I am a bit sluggish as I ate too much (or too many! ha ha!)

I can see what appears to be runway lights in the distance....could it be?

My wife and I run across a man and woman wearing some sort of wooden slats on their feet. They move quite deftly across the frozen terrain. I ask them what the lights are. They say it is the "Telluride Airport". We're saved!!

We kill the couple and steal their slats and attach them to our own feet, as this will move us along much quicker than on foot.

They also have a cellular-phone, which I use to contact the Playaz. I presumed that no electricity or phone connections would work in such inclement weather.

"Summon the Playa jet!" I shout. "Have it at the "Telluride Airport" post-haste!"

It looks like we are coming home...this is my final entry. Until I return

Phil

Posted by Phil at 6:06 PM | Comments (23) | TrackBack

February 5, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: Entry 4

I have been living on snow for the past 3 days.

The situation is dire. I am afraid I am forced to do the unthinkable.

I will eat my family, then attempt to hike to safety. I will survive off their fat, and will retain one of their carcasses to envelop myself during the night to keep warm.

I have decided to allow my wife to live, for foraging and child-bearing purposes.

I hope I am alive to see you all again, Playaz. Growing weak..

Posted by Phil at 7:29 PM | Comments (30) | TrackBack

Phil's vacation journal - Entry 3

I killed a man today who approached my shelter identifying himself as "shuttle service". Everyone knows you can't drive in snow.

A shotgun blast to the stomach ended this scavenger's efforts to overtake my fortress.

Posted by Phil at 12:16 AM | Comments (21) | TrackBack

February 4, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: Entry 2

Conditions are terrible. Several feet of snow surround us.

To make matters worse, we have forced entry into a 6 bedroom chalet in a "Mountain Village" overlooking the snow-capped peaks. The accomodations are meager, but it will have to suffice as we need shelter. The mountains are a menacing presence - as if to say "you will never escape alive".

My family continues to remain strangely serene...even overjoyed at our predicament. It can be nothing more than the fact that they have lost their minds. They say the are leaving, I assume to forage for sustenance. I will remain barricaded indoors. Will I survive? It does not look promising.

Night falls and snow continues to fall. WHY GOD???!!!!

Posted by Phil at 7:41 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

February 3, 2006

Phil's vacation journal: Entry 1

The Playaz jet touched down safely in Montrose, Colorado today. Our limo picked me and my family up to take us to our final destination, Telluride.

As we got closer and closer, snow became more and more prevalent. Concerned, I ordered the driver to reverse course immediately. My family immediately protested.

"Phil! There's supposed to be snow! We are not turning around!"

The oxygen-deprived air has surely affected their ability to think. In Atlanta, the presence of snow means school closings, business closings, the purchase of rations of bread, water, and milk. You do not, under any circumstance, leave your house.

I contemplated bailing out of the moving vehicle and saving myself. But no...I must stay with my family and protect them. They obviously are not aware of the snowy hell-scape that lays before them.

This is going to end badly, I can tell. I will enter more as I am able, dear diary.

Posted by Phil at 9:38 AM | Comments (27) | TrackBack

January 31, 2006

State of the Playaz Address

Last night, we held our first ever State of the Playaz Address, at our historic Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, South Carolina. The Address was held in the Kenny Rogers Caucus Room, a very large auditorium used when we are addressing our constituency.

Of course you know our day-to-day operations are held in Atlanta, but if you've never been to our Headquarters in South Carolina, it is quite a treat. Aside from the massive Kenny Rogers Caucus Room is of course our Situation Room where we handle crises and military strategy sessions, The Hall of Playaz which is a marvelous gallery of statues and paintings of the Playaz, the Rotunda, and down below is the Crypt, where the corpse of Conway Twitty is currently stored.

While I simply don't have the room to provide the actual text of the 15,000 word, 4 hour speech, I am able to provide you with the highlights of this night, along with some photos provided by Rueters and the Associated Press.

The Speech:

The speech was strong. It showed the nation our strengths, and gave you the accomplishments we have made in the past year, which includes:

- Single handedly stemmed the increase in shark attacks and stamped out the bird flu.

- Boosted the country's space program with our involvement with NASA (with assistance from Chewbacca), which recently procured the discovery of Comet Dust, a great new narcotic substance.

- Entered new words into the English language.

- Our foreign policies have lowered oil prices, halted the nuclear weapons program in North Korea, and killed a nuisance whale.

- The Playaz turned Hurricane Irene back from the U.S. coast, allowing for a successful Playaz Ball 2005.

- The Playaz handled the questioning in the Supreme Court nominations, interviewing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, the nomination of our own Wayne, and of course, Dian Parkinson.

- Saved the life of Don Knotts.

- We are vowing to make the Playaz invulnerable. I'm not referring to oil dependency, or to homeland security, or anything of that nature. I mean literally invulnerable. Like looking into some kind of titanium endo-skeleton and super-regenerative skin tissue. Something like that.

- The focal point of our speech, and what we are probably most proud of, is that during our fiscal year for 2005 we saw increased spending by 100%. The Playaz made a promise to spend every dime we earned during that year, and we can proudly say "Mission Accomplished". We also promise to you that in the upcoming year, The Year of the Playaz, we will raise revenues to go along with even more spending.

The photos:

After the Playaz' Sergeant-at-Arms announced us, we entered a packed room and a standing ovation. The photos below give you an overview of the night's events and attendees.

A live look at CNN's coverage of the address as Kenny enters the Caucus Room

Photo of me backstage rehearsing my speech one last time

"Ladies and gentlemen, the State of the Playaz Address"

The crowd reacts to my speech

There were several very special guests in attendance, many of whom were greeted with standing ovations when introduced by the Playaz

Phil points out Kathryn in the gallery and thanks her for her tireless efforts in bringing the blogging community together as well as her work on many Happy Hours. Kathryn is seen here shaking hands with Larry Holmes and receiving a standing ovation.

Wayne receives special recognition for his work this past year as Playaz counsel, who filed 212 frivolous lawsuits on the Playaz' behalf in 2005 alone.

Laughter and applause ensues when Letter To America host Jett Loe emerges from behind the podium with a 9mm pistol. More laughter ensues when he is removed by security and beaten senseless.

Once the speech is over, the Playaz exit the auditorium while being mobbed by admirers and well-wishers.

Atlanta media mogul Kemi Lane in the foreground (left) covers the Playaz on a daily basis. See her coverage of the SOTP address on her website.

It was a truly fantastic evening, and we thank you all for your attention and support. As we've said before, we fully expect The Year of the Playaz to be something special.

Now that the SOTP is over, I will be taking a vacation - a stop over at Camp David and then on to Telluride, Colorado. I will be back next Tuesday night. Have a safe week and I'll see you when I return.

Posted by Phil at 1:07 AM | Comments (33) | TrackBack

January 27, 2006

Stare down

Tune in to Jett Loe's Letter To America podcast, LTA-Chapter 20, for the first-of-it's-kind internet staring contest between yours truly and "Frank" (formerly known as Wayne).

Frank doesn't realize that my family has a long history of "starers". My grandfather would sit out on his porch and stare at a tree stump for hours. I, too, have harnessed this skill.

I will stare and stare, without blinking, and will crush "Frank" and his dreams of ever becoming Wayne again.

Are you ready for this?

DOWNLOAD THE SHOW

Posted by Phil at 4:06 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

January 26, 2006

The price of fame

Many of you know that in our ascent to fame, we are constantly accosted by people in our daily lives. It has become increasingly difficult for us to go anywhere anymore.

One of the more annoying encounters we deal with these days are all kinds of people, including "A", "B", and "C" list celebrities who run into us out on the town and want some sort of favor from us.

Last summer Wayne was visiting New York City and was enjoying himself a highball of bourbon and water, when out of the corner of his eye Wayne noticed a man reticently approaching him. Wayne continued with his drink and waited for the inevitability that this man would approach, and ask for something (a photo, a handshake, autograph some body part of his wife/girlfriend, etc.).

Finally, the man built up enough courage and introduced himself.

"Um...excuse, me...sir?....aren't you?...(Oh my God, it is!)...you're Wayne, right?!..."

Wayne set his drink down, turned on his stool and said "yes, my name is Wayne." A look of joy, excitement, and uncontrolled urination came over the man. "Oh God! I'm real sorry! I don't know why I just did that," he exclaimed. "Don't worry about it," Wayne replied. "It happens all the time."

The man was former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat.

"I read your website every day," Tom said. "You remember that time everyone thought you were dead?...and you weren't, but just lost in the land of Oz..?" he said. "Yes, I remember," said Wayne. "Was that real, or were you guys just real high on LSD or something?" Wopat replied.

After about 20 minutes of mindless banter, Wayne told Tom Wopat politely that he had to go. "Can I take a picture with you?" Tom asked. Rolling his eyes, Wayne said "Sure, I guess..."

"One more thing," Tom said before he left. "I used to get you and that guy 'Wayne Ordinary American' confused."

Wayne then punched Tom Wopat in the face and left.

Posted by Phil at 9:12 AM | Comments (37) | TrackBack

January 24, 2006

It's on

To update you on our lawsuit with "Frank, the Delicious American Pastime" (formerly known as "Wayne, Ordianary American", the details of said lawsuit can more or less be explained here), Frank appeared on the most recent Letter To America podcast discussing his recent name change, and spouting off absurd statements about the Playaz.

Among other things, the one statement that incensed me the most was Frank saying that he believes the Playaz "are all just the same guy". What?! Any person with eyes can see we are all individual Playaz. Yes, I am the one who is responsible for posting the news of the Playaz, but to even insinuate that we are not who we say we are is the highest of insults.

Therefore, (and against our own Wayne's protests) I have decided to drop our suit against Frank, and have accepted a challenge to compete with Frank live (via tape delay) on the air in a staring contest! It is a skill that I feel I am highly suited for, and feel certain that with Frank's recent incarceration and solitary confinement added to the fact that he lives in blustery Ireland, I should win easily.

Yes, that's correct. I will be in the good old U.S.A. while Frank competes in Ireland, with Letter To America host Jett Loe moderating the event. It will be an internet staring contest, the first of it's kind!

I will keep you posted as to when this will take place, but it should be soon.

Posted by Phil at 9:26 AM | Comments (26) | TrackBack

January 19, 2006

We are rich!

Update 1/23: Latest correspondence posted below

You already knew that. But more specifically, we recently received an email straight from the desk of a Mr Suleman Muhamede with the Bank of Africa.

Mr. Muhamede has discovered $33,500,000 of "abandoned" money from one of their foreign clients who tragically died recently. He has no next of kin. Mr. Muhamede has decided that it would be bad for this money to go unclaimed, since it would only revert to the government treasury. So he has wisely chosen us, The Playaz, to assist him in laundering this money in the States for a cut. It is all legal, he assures us. Plus he is with the Bank of Africa, which is the bank for the entire continent of Africa, so you know it must be legit.

Below is the email exchange between me and Mr. Muhamede, starting with the intial contact I received and my replies following:

suleman muhamede (muhamede07@hotmail.com) wrote: From the Desk Of: Mr Suleman Muhamede, Bank of Africa.Burkina faso.

ATTENTION: SIR/MADAM

I REQUEST FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSACTION
I am the manager at the auditing and accounting department of Bank Of Africa
(B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US$33.5.m dollars ( US dollars) in an account that belonging to one of our foreign customer.Who died along with his entire family in Monday, 31 July, 2000 in a plane crash in paris.Please visit this site that is one of the evidence the directors brought in other to swallow
the money at the end of the day,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm"

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this
discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent isbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after fours years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.

Thereafter, I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your desiggnited bank account ,you must apply first to the bank as a relation or next of kin of the deceased with a text of application that i will send to you,so i will ike you to send to me your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application . I will not fail to bring to your
notice this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.

°1)Dear p/s reply this mail.
°2)your tele number...........
°3)your fax number...........
°4)your photo................with your age......

WHEN YOU DO THIS I WILL FORWARD YOU A FORM THAT YOU WILL FILL
AND SEND IT TO BANK.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Suleman Muhamede,
BANK OF AFRICA(B.O.A)

Mr. Muhamede,

This is exactly the type of transaction we are interested in.

My company is Playaz, Inc. We are businessmen. We will take your $33.5 million dollars. However, you do not fully understand the Playaz Business model. We deposit your millions in our multiple off-shore accounts. In return we will give you a crisp $100 bill for entrusting us with your money. We will spend it wisely, I assure you.

Please send us the money as soon as possible.

Thank you for your kind offer. Our personal information is all online.

Sincerely,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede wrote: Dear Phil, Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free.I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully.You don't have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transfered into your account without having any problem.What you have to do is to listen to my guide line untill the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursment of the fund according to the percentages I indicate in my first letter.30% for you,60% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure....telepone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered.For your information I got your email address from an internet when I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you.I strongly beleive that we will work together as partners and get this fund transfered into your account peacefully.Y ou have to undrstand now that don't have much time now so we have to be fast in any thing we are doing to be get intoch to bank informed. May looking at the whole transfer process it might look so difficult to achieve a sucessful result but I tell you that it is not as difficult as you might see it.There will not be any risk or problem after this fund is transfered into your account because i will delete all the files concerning the deceased in our bank after the fund is transferred.This business is involve only you and I.I want to assure you that this business will not cause any kind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally.When this fund is transfered there will be some cover up document's my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired.I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine's back to Burkina-faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming.We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you want to do with it.This business will take us about 14 working days to mature.You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the surpport I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day. Mr Suleman Muhamede. Bellow is the application for the transfer. ========================================================================================================================== ATTN: Dr Adama Compaore The Director of Operations Foreign Remittance Division Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina-faso. EMAIL:bankofafricaa@excite.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF US$33.5 Million US dollars FROM DORMANT ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55.
Please be inform that I wish to transfer the sum of US$33.5 Million US dollars from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as will be detailed below:

BANK NAME: ...........................................
ADDRESS: .............................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................................
BENEFICIARY: .........................................
YOUR PRIVATE FAX NUMBER / YOUR EMAIL
ADDRESS: .........................................
AGE....................................................
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin Mr.Kurt Kahle who died in a Plane crash on Monday, 31 July 2000. He was an Australian national, but resided in Ouagadougou Burkina-faso and owned :

STE BILLINGS SARL
IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

I am his cousin and named next of kin. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated account as shown above.
Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic
problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully,

Mr. Muhamede,

Believe me, you have found the most reliable person on teh internets.

Please allow me to restate our business model: You give us the $33.5 million dollars (we prefer it be delivered in cash, for tax purposes). In return you will receive a newly minted, crisp $100 bill for your trust in the Playaz. "Is this a fair deal?" you ask? Yes!

Here is how you benefit: By delivering us this "found" money, you will supply the Playaz with the funds necessary to continue to entertain you, the entire continent of Africa, and the world. We cannot operate our jets, buy our drugs, our gold medallions, our minks, our Red Lobster dinners, without the generosity of investors like you. You stand to gain by allowing yourself to become one of our investors. Your return will be almost sure wealth as the people you encounter through your future endeavors will most assuredly be impressed by your connection with the Playaz. This will open many doors for you. And don't forget the $100 bill we promised! It will be mailed to you post-haste, after we have received this glorious bounty you are so graciously giving to us.

We will need you to mail the money, in a large box or container of some sort, and mark it "books", or "cheese" or something that won't garner attention. Put the return address from my uncle who lives in Minnesota (I will provide to you upon confirmation). When you mail it, wear a purple bandana and a red izod cardigan and call yourself "Steve".

Also, we have come into a large amount of Comet Dust, from outer space. We are looking for a reliable individual to deliver a large amount of this dust for the purposes of resale. We believe it to be illegal here in the States, but feel that there are no adequate Comet Dust laws in Africa, and would provide a loophole in allowing us to sell it there and for a hefty profit. We would like to deliver to you roughly 100 kilos of comet dust. We will discuss it's street value once you have received it. Then, once you sell it, you will provide us access to the money for retrieval, and in return we will give you a crisp $100 bill.

If this arrangement sounds good to you, we are ready to go!

thanks,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote:
I don't understand you my dear.

OK, forget all that. This might make more sense to you, as our model can be confusing.

First we sell my father's suburban. Then we turn around and buy a bass boat. We take the bass boat out to California and sell it (bass boats in California will sell for nearly double what they will here), turn around and buy a load of "Hula Poppers" (perhaps the best fishing lure on the market), turn around and buy more bass boats, sell those and then buy a Lear jet.

Let me know and we'll get started. Our information is online at www.playazball.com.

Sincerely,
Phil

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: i don't understand all your saying thanks bye

So we'll just wait to hear from you, then.

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT

So it's all settled then.

Mr. Muhamede has since closed his Yahoo! email account. I assume further correspondence will be through the "Bank of Africa"'s Excite.com email account.

Posted by Phil at 6:01 PM | Comments (132) | TrackBack

January 13, 2006

Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na alive! "How fare the Playaz?" they ask

What can only be described as a miracle, Tac, Wayne, & The Guv'na are discovered to be alive!

Descending to earth in a hot air balloon from lands unknown, the Playaz, long thought to be deceased, returned with wild tales and adventures.

Tac explained that while experimenting with mind-altering drugs one evening, a terrible storm came upon them. Swept up in extremely high winds, Tac explained that they were deposited into what seemed like another world.

Wayne, Guv'na, and Tac had been scattered by the winds and began to explore this unfamiliar territory.

Unbeknownst to them, this land was filled with bizarre creatures, both intriguing and horrifying. Tac described the likes of talking scarecrows, fields teeming with midgets, and winged monkeys.

Already on edge, Tac immediately began to lay waste to any living or breathing thing that came within firing range of him.

Tac said he wiped out a gang of misfits that included a grotesquely evolved lion who walked on it's hind feet, a man made entirely of tin, and the scarecrow. There was a pretty woman with them, but Tac did not have time to ascertain if she were in need of help or part of their hideous band.

Wayne, separated from the others, began investigating as well. Attempting to figure out the best way to reunite with the missing Playaz, Wayne discovered a path, and began to follow it. However, he noticed something curious. Upon further inspection, this "road" was coated in lead-based paint, highly toxic and deadly.

Wayne made haste for what appeared to be the capital city. After talking with several of the little people he encountered in the city, he found cause to file a class action suit against the one they called "The Wizard", who ran the city.

Suing for over $1 billion in damages, Wayne began his suit and his withering cross-examination against this "Wizard", who could not explain why the roads had not been properly treated, nor why there was any appropriate health care for those who needed it.

On the other side of the city, the Guv'na had met a trio of midgets, going by the name "The Lollipop Guild". Guv'na was seduced by these three, who told the Guv'na tales of "magic" candy canes. Having a weakness for this candied confection, Guv'na followed them on a journey to these magical canes.

Upon finding a field laden with the most glorious candy canes ever seen, the Guv'na began to taste them. They were delicious! However, these were no ordinary candy canes. They were laced with some narcotic that caused the Guv'na to lose consciousness. The band of midgets robbed Guv'na of his mink and gold pocket watch and left him for dead.

Tac realized the urgency of the situation. The Playaz did not need to tarry any longer in this strange place. After killing virtually everything in his path, Tac was able to locate Wayne, who had just won his suit against Emerald City, virtually crippling the town financially after collecting his fee of 99% of the one billion dollar judgement. Guv'na was discovered as well, but they weren't home free yet.

A horde of angry "munchkins" had tracked them down - upset that their town was now bankrupt, which essentially put all of them out of work. Being that the city was the only employer, they attempted to stop the Playaz' escape to make them pay.

Spotting a nearby bulldozer, Tac quickly cranked up the machine and cleared a path for the Playz' getaway, crushing the tiny bones of every munchkin caught in his tracks and plowing through them with ease.

Absconding a hot air balloon, the three Playaz flew out of danger, and made it back safely to us.

It is a great day for the Playaz. United again! Welcome back Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na. Did we tell you about our new plane?

Update: The national news is now picking up on the story.

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM | Comments (167) | TrackBack

January 12, 2006

Today's Drudge Report

Drudge link

Posted by Phil at 10:14 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 11, 2006

Applications now being accepted

We are receiving numerous headshots and taking phone calls from multiple agents in attempts to have their clients become the new Playaz in light of our recent loss.

Below is a sample of the people being considered to replace Tac, Guv'na, & Wayne.

Ben Affleck (Tac)

Marshall Mathers (Guv'na)

Denzel Washington (Wayne)

Posted by Phil at 10:09 AM | Comments (34) | TrackBack

January 10, 2006

Bon & I attend Life Insurance check presentation banquet

Following the sad events that have led up to today, Bon & I attended a luncheon at the local Holiday Inn for the presentation of our $40,000,000.00 life insurance check for the policies held for Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na which we received as a result of their tragic deaths.

These fine folks are a small outfit, but a solid company if you ever need to use their services. Their motto is "We don't have access to the internet."

Bon and I promptly purchased a Gulfstream V to assuage our grief.

Posted by Phil at 1:18 PM | Comments (49) | TrackBack

January 9, 2006

Funeral for a Playa

I believe my worst fears are true. As I mentioned in the post below, it has been 5 days with virtually no communication from either Tac, Wayne, or The Guv'na.

I am saddened to say that Bon & I decided to move forward with the funeral this morning, despite the pleas of the respective Playaz' families to hold off, saying that they may only be 'very busy'.

I'm sorry, but we cannot change the past. They are dead and we must accept it.

Naturally, we had Tac, Wayne, and Guv'na interned at Arlington National Cemetery.

Hundreds of thousands lined the streets to view the processional.

Many dignitaries and heads of state attended, including Hank Williams, Jr. and Kid Rock.

Here you can see the "Playa-less Horse" being led through the processional. The horse is wearing the ceremonial Kangol, and you will note the city-boots placed backwards in the stirrups.

Kenny was a pall-bearer. Seen here carrying Tac's coffin, Kenny was inconsolable.

Bon & I with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at the funeral.

Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na are laid to rest at the "Tomb of the Unknown Playa", a very secluded and solemn place at Arlington. Tourists are not even allowed to this part of the cemetery.

President Bush and Larry Holmes present a wreath at the Playaz' final resting place to the armed militia, who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Playa day and night.

Perhaps the most moving moment of the ceremony: The "Missing Playaz" formation being flown overhead.

Posted by Phil at 3:10 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

January 7, 2006

Wherefore art thou, Playaz?

Just a quick post to air a few concerns and comments.

First, I wanted to move the update in the post below up to this post:

It appears that the blogger formerly known as Wayne has succumbed to the Playaz' demands to cease and desist using the name "Wayne" (said demands I voiced on the New Year's podcast at Letter To America), as it conflicts legally with our own copyrighted and trademarked Wayne. For now, at my suggestion, he has opted to use the name "Frank".

You may listen to an update about this extremely important matter on Letter To America Chapter 17.

Secondly, I just thought I'd mention that Bon & I have been somewhat concerned that we have not heard from Tac, Guv'na, or Wayne for quite some time. In a typical day, The Playaz exchange roughly 100 emails (Instant Messaging is for weiners), and communication among those three has dropped off completely.

I can only assume that they have died.

I will add that this does not let "Frank" off the hook, as even if it is proven that Wayne and the others are dead, their rights will live on in perpetuity and posthumously as they will be passed on to their heirs (me & Bon).

Posted by Phil at 10:01 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

January 6, 2006

Kenny & Bon to open restaurant chain together

While reading our friend Washington Cube's blog the other day, Cube had pointed out a Kenny Rogers Roasters that had closed down on Route 1 in Washington D.C.

I had to let her know that Kenny was no longer involved with "KRR", and that the franchise was now owned by Nathan's Famous Corporation.

What I could not tell her, until now, is that Kenny and Bon are going into business together to open a Playaz-backed restaurant chain. Kenny and Bon will capitalize on the name of the old restaurant, except it will now be simply known as "Kenny & Bon's Roasters".

The concept has changed slightly. The old Kenny Rogers Roasters was known for it's chicken. The new restaurants will serve Bon's fresh kill of the day. Chicken may still be on the menu, but goose will now be the foul of choice at these establishments.

Below is a sample of the menu Bon has prepared:

Roasted Goose (bludgeoned for tenderness)
Pickled Bream
Bass Burgers
Whale Steaks
Beaver Stew
Bald Eagle (blackened or charbroiled)
Many other selections of wild game and assorted delights

So please keep your eyes open for this new establishment, coming soon!

Per Cookie's request, for a limited time only, there will be several "Kenny & Bon Roasters" shirts available.

Posted by Phil at 8:41 AM | Comments (31) | TrackBack

January 4, 2006

Through the years

We expect this to be a historic year for the Playaz, in The Year of the Playaz.

While we plan our strategy for world domination, we also reflect back on some of the historic moments the Playaz have been involved in, some recent, some many years ago.

We all remember when The Guv'na was shot while visiting Washington D.C.

You also remember the contest, and the Playaz Missile Crisis that followed shortly thereafter. But many of you have never seen the photo taken of me at Playaz Headquarters, agonizing over the decision of whether or not to invade Washington. Below, for the first time anywhere, is that photo.

There have been many memorable moments the Playaz have shared over the years we've been together that have never been published on this website. I now give you a glimpse into some of these rare, but intriguing photos of our past:

Back when the South was much more conservative than it is today, the Playaz were often denounced by local pastors and clergy as "children of the devil". They made every effort to warn youngsters to stay away from the temptation of the Playaz and their taudry affairs.

This is a rare photo of the time Tac challenged John F. Kennedy to a nationally televised debate. No, Tac was not running for office, he just thought Kennedy was a phony and didn't care for him personally. Tac was viewed as 'threatening' to the viewers, and many sided with Kennedy and his boyish good-looks.

Wayne wound up getting the best of Kennedy, however, as he is photographed here at the Presidential Inauguration moving in on Jacqueline Kennedy. Here Wayne is seen pointing JFK to a seat towards the back, telling an upset Kennedy "you know the name of the game...your woman chose me. Now go get me a cheeseburger."

This photo shows a meeting between former President Nixon and The Guv'na. Nixon often consulted the Playaz on ways to manipulate the law, how to pick locks, etc. (the Guv'na being one of the best). Guv'na was once known as "The Gentleman Burglar" in his younger days.

Bon and I when we were members of the Black Panthers. J. Edgar Hoover called us "the biggest internal threat to our country's national security". During this time, Bon & I killed 3 members of the British pop band and Saturday morning TV show "the Bugaloos" (specifically, "IQ", "Courage", and "Harmony").

Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM | Comments (36) | TrackBack

January 1, 2006

2006: The Year of the Playaz

This year we hope to push the Playa-envelope. To start, here's your chance to hear the Voice of Phil delivering a New Year's message on Jett Loe's Letter To America podcast. I really enjoyed talking to Jett and provided people weren't powering down their computers at the sound of my voice, I'd love to do it again.

Stammering buffoon, or masterful genius? You decide.

Posted by Phil at 12:07 AM | Comments (24) | TrackBack

December 9, 2005

An eye for detail

Please visit The Regular Guys website (a popular morning show here in the ATL) this morning as I astutely point out the resemblance between one of the RG's and a popular pianist from the olden days.

While I'm at it..would anyone be opposed?

Posted by Phil at 9:15 AM | Comments (22) | TrackBack

December 7, 2005

Tac & Wayne to take over for Siegfried & Roy in Las Vegas

Tac & Wayne were personally selected by Las Vegas magicians Siegfried & Roy to temporarily replace them while Roy continues to recuperate from a tiger attack that left Roy near death.

The famous duo took a liking to the Playaz when Roy met Wayne on a cruise ship and discovered that Wayne was smuggling a cheetah on board, just as Roy had done almost 50 years ago when he met Siegfried. Wayne explained that he and Tac were amateur magicians who preferred to work with exotic jungle cats, and determined they would be the perfect replacements.

Another similarity between the pair was that 5 years ago, Tac nearly lost his arm when a white lion was "helping" Tac by chewing through sinew and bone when Tac had accidentally tripped on a wire on stage.

Tac demanded from Siegfied & Roy a silver Trans Am before he would agree to sign on.

Posted by Phil at 9:16 AM | Comments (118) | TrackBack

December 3, 2005

Housekeeping

Just wanted to take a quick moment to update you on a few things.

First, I am continuing to update Playaz Ball with additional material that is slowly but surely being transferred over from the old blogger site, so be sure to periodically peruse the "Categories" section in the sidebar and re-live some of the old Playaz classics you have come to know and love.

Also, I have a few new links in the "Acolytes" section for your reading enjoyment and to recognize the building masses who have proven to be dedicated to the Playaz.

In particular, take some time to check out Letter to America, a weekly podcast from the land of Belfast, Ireland who has made note of the Playaz on the last two podcast shows, LTA-Chapter 10 and Chapter 11.

Posted by Phil at 10:26 PM | Comments (38) | TrackBack

December 1, 2005

I'm back, baby!

Forget Sea World! Those wanting aboard the Playa-train, get in line!

"Yeah, Colin-baby, this is good stuff! Hey, Bush, man, this is going to be the best Christmas Tree lighting ever..."

UPDATE: Christmas Cards were mailed yesterday, for those who requested them. If you don't receive yours by the end of next week, please let me know.

Posted by Phil at 9:46 PM | Comments (23) | TrackBack

I am joining Sea World

I have decided to join with Sea World and perform shows with the dolphins. I am an excellent swimmer. I swim very fast and can jump high out of the water, just like the dolphins.

The one downside is the sardines and such they feed you. I do not like fish in general, and especially do not like raw fish. I will be speaking with the trainers about this. If they were to hold a doughnut out, I would gladly leap and eat it out of their hand.

So if you're in the Orlando area this holiday season, stop by and catch a show. Me, Gus, Dorsal, and Flipper will be performing at 12, 2, and 4 everyday.

Postscript: I am very sad that Playaz Ball was shut-out of the Blog Superlatives last night in D.C. That is the real reason I have decided to move to Orlando and join Sea World.

Posted by Phil at 10:26 AM | Comments (26) | TrackBack

November 29, 2005

Feeling bad?

I have noticed recently around the blog-world that many of you have been battling colds, flus, etc., lately. Chase of the blog Chase-ing Complacency had to have emergency surgery on top of that.

The Playaz want to wish you all well, and we hope for you to have good health and speedy recoveries.

As an added bonus, in the future when you are feeling under the weather, whether it be illness, hangover, accident, please feel free to download this "Get Well Soon" card from the Playaz and look at it for comfort.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM | Comments (71) | TrackBack

November 18, 2005

So sayeth the Playaz

1. We are the Playaz. Thou shalt have no other Playaz before us.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images of Conway Twitty.
3. Thou shalt not use Kenny's name in vain.
4. Remember Playaz Ball, and keep it holy.
5. Thou shalt honor Kenny, Conway and Larry.
6. Thou shalt not murder one of the Playaz.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, lest it is with Dian Parkinson.
8. Thou shalt not steal from the Playaz.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against Larry Holmes.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's kangol.

Posted by Phil at 12:57 PM | Comments (32) | TrackBack

November 11, 2005

Updates

A few items to mention.

First, once the balloting is closed, the Playaz will be considering the entries to our contest over the weekend. There are some excellent ideas, and each one will be considered carefully. Believe me, nothing is a given. Hopefully, a winner will be announced early next week.

Second, we have a new feature added to the website. If you will notice at the top of the page, you can now view Playa bios by clicking on the handsome face of the Playa of your choosing. You may also navigate back to the main page by clicking our logo.

Last, we have a permanent "contact" link in the sidebar where you can send the Playaz all your queries. I realize the Yahoo! account is beneath the Playaz' standards, but we are working on individual email accounts within our own domain.

Have a good weekend everybody.

Posted by Phil at 10:45 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

November 8, 2005

Wayne wins lawsuit against Merck Co.; congratulates clients for making him rich

Wayne congratulated his clients after recently winning them a judgement against Vioxx drug maker the Merck Company. They were to receive approximately $932 each after Wayne's $253,950,078.00 attorney's fees.

Wayne was seen leaving the courtroom on the way to the Mercedes dealership to pick up his solid gold Mercedes.

Posted by Phil at 10:55 PM | Comments (59) | TrackBack

November 4, 2005

Oh, I wish I had a handle-bar mustache

Please visit the Rhinestone Cowgirl to see the definition of true dedication to the Playaz.

Update: Pretty poor showing thus far for the Playaz Contest to make you rich. I guess none of you want to be rich (see post for details). Your proposal is due this Friday, Nov. 11th. They must be submitted to the email address in the post or they won't be considered.

Posted by Phil at 6:49 PM | Comments (19) | TrackBack

November 3, 2005

The Kenny Rogers Fan Club. It is not just a priviledge. It is your duty.

For a mere $15, you, too, can be welcomed into the fold that is the Kenny Rogers Fan Club. With your membership, you will get:

A letter from Kenny

A 5x7 Glossy Photo of Kenny

A Kenny refridgerator magnet

An official Kenny Rogers Fan Club Membership Card

I hear that Congress is about to pass a bill that states that every person living in the United States must have this card to identify themselves, and that a person will not be able to buy or sell goods without this card by the year 2008. So I urge you to join today, and show your loyalty to Kenny.

Posted by Phil at 8:01 PM | Comments (20)

November 2, 2005

"Playaz legal team....Assemble!"

Is The Onion stealing stories from the Playaz?

Two weeks ago, I posted this story about Bon: "Bon Volunteers In Aiding Fight Against Bird Flu; Kills All Birds"

Today, I noticed The Onion had a story titled: "Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu"

Now, despite my massive Playa ego, I do not suspect The Onion is perusing the Playaz Ball website looking for ideas. But the coincidences made me curious. Look at the examples below:

EXAMPLE 1

from playazball.com, Oct. 19th-

"Bon made swift work of the birds within his neighborhood, creating a deadly environment for the local blue jays, cardinals, robins, and geese that frequent the area,"

from theonion.com, Nov. 2nd-

"What about the less prominent but far more abundant fowl common to residential areas, such as bluebirds, cardinals, or geese - shouln't they die too?"

EXAMPLE 2

from playazball.com -

"...killing off birds one by one via poisoning, mallet, or shotgun blast."

from theonion.com -

"We can blow them off their perches with air rifles, stun them with ball-peen hammers, or break their wings, beaks, and necks..."

EXAMPLE 3

from playazball.com -

"The safest way to protect ourselves from an outbreak of bird flu in epidemic proportions is to simply kill every last bird," Bon said."

from theonion.com -

"Bush said.."We can all trust that their wisdom, manifested by this bold eagle-killing initiative, will protect us from any deadly bird-related diseases."

Lastly, in the comments section of my post:

(addressed to KOB)
"KOB - Bon is not above killing a bald eagle, if it's called for. In fact, I think there is a post on our old site giving you a sample overview of what Bon has killed - haven't moved it yet."
Posted by: Phil at October 21, 2005 01:15 PM

Nothing is taken verbatim, and certainly it is no stretch to come up with that premise for an Onion story. But still....

Playaz, gas up the jet. We may be headed to Madison, WI.

Posted by Phil at 8:45 PM | Comments (374) | TrackBack

October 28, 2005

Kenny, Wayne stay up all night to repair Playaz' jet

Kenny Rogers and Wayne worked through the night repairing the Playaz' jet, which Tac crashed into the swimming pool at Playaz Headquarters during the most recent Playaz Ball.

Wayne mainly stood and held Kenny's tools while Kenny worked on the jet, handing Kenny each particular tool as Kenny requested for the job at hand.

Kenny stated that he replaced the float valve and put in new ball-bearings for the aircraft.

The Playaz are expected to fly Kenny to Columbus, Georgia for Kenny's Christmas concert on December 1st.

Posted by Phil at 11:14 AM | Comments (36)

October 26, 2005

Michael Vick holds candlelight vigil for the Guv'na

Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Michael Vick staged a candlelight vigil outside the Guv'na's hospital room upon Guv'na's arrival home Tuesday.

Vick, donned in a festive Santa Claus hat, offered his well-wishes for a speedy recovery. Vick's mother attended the event as well, and brought the Guv'na a bowl of her famous vegetable soup in an effort to lift Guv'na's spirits.

Guv'na was the victim of a failed assassination attempt by an assailant that has not been positively identified. Police apprehended a suspect in the D.C. area shooting, but formal charges have not yet been brought.

UPDATE:
Guv'na releases a statement from his hospital bed

As I Lay Recovering

Voices in my head
Talk of drugs
My data is like bread
Must rid it of bugs

My pipe, how I love thee
Take the smoke in all night
Curves down like a C
Hold with left or with right?

Departing, I, from this place
Gruff, smoky fellow I see
Men in dark, how they race
As a weapon comes free

Pinball in my sides
Reckoning of truth
High-wheeled bicycle rides
Days of my youth

No light, just white
Figures with knives and stitch
No argue, no fight
"Guvna, you have a glitch"

Lose me? I think not
Devil-fiend, go away
This carrion shall not rot
"Guvna, you will live another day"

Candy canes of light and air
My heads swims in stripes
A splendid job of repair
Never seen so many pipes

Forgiveness to AUA
Man of apples and grins
For as they say
"A Playa always wins"

Posted by Phil at 9:24 AM | Comments (22) | TrackBack

October 25, 2005

Guv'na shot! Playaz Ball reader suspected in D.C. area assassination attempt

An assassination attempt on the Guv'na's life occurred Tuesday afternoon, after an assailant shot the Guv'na under his left arm while the Guv'na was being escorted out of the Sheraton National hotel in Arlington, Virginia Tuesday.

The Guv'na was attending a fascinating conference Monday and Tuesday in an effort to learn more about optimizing clinical trial data, when shortly following the conference a small crowd had gathered outside the hotel anticipating the Guv'na's appearance after a contest on www.playazball.com had been announced challenging readers to locate the Guv'na.

As the Guv'na approached his limo, five shots rang out, one striking the Guv'na under his third rib and puncturing his lung. The Guv'na was then hurried into his bullet-proof limosine and whisked away to a nearby hospital, where doctors operated on the Guv'na with success, removing the bullet.
Photographers captured a frame-by-frame sequence of the Guv'na as he is hit by the bullet

The shooter was quickly apprehended by the Guv'na's security staff.

It is believed that this man was responsible for the shooting, and is known to be a frequent lurker on the Playaz Ball website.

The bullet narrowly missed the Guv'na's heart, and Guv'na was overheard lamenting the fact that he was not wearing his standard bullet-proof turtleneck. The Guv'na is expected to make a full recovery.

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM | Comments (19)

October 24, 2005

Where in the world is the Guv'na?

No, he's not in Germany....the Guv'na is in Washington, D.C.

The first Washingtonian who can track down and locate the Guv'na will win a Playaz Wear shirt or hat of your choosing!

Here are some hints:

- The Guv'na will be in the D.C. area today and tomorrow.
- During the day, Guv'na will be at a conference involving "optimizing clinical trial data" in an Arlington-area hotel.
- Guv'na will be at the Reagan Airport between the hours of 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. on Tuesday night.

See if you can spot the Guv'na! You may report any possible Guv'na sightings here. Good luck!!

Posted by Phil at 9:55 AM | Comments (30) | TrackBack

October 23, 2005

Ronald Macabre

In the spirit of Halloween, I have come up with three disturbing images involving a creature that is quite possibly the most frightening visage one could conjure. Below are three places you absolutely do not want to see this horrifying evil, Ronald McDonald.

In a sewer.

In your bathroom stall.

While performing a c-section.

Posted by Phil at 2:58 PM | Comments (44)

October 20, 2005

24 hour party people

While the Playaz could not attend the most recent rave in our adopted town of Washington D.C. this past Wednesday, hosted by the D.C. wrecking-crew of DC Cookie, Kathryn, DC Bachelor, and the Rock Creek Rambler, it appears we were there in spirit.

The Playaz would like to salute those who honored us at this event. Thanks, all.

Click Me

(credit to DC Cookie and I-66 for the pics)

Note: Sorry for the poor video quality - I am working on an alternative to post higher quality video (in other words, larger files) that I am not able to post here (ahem! *cough*makalumedia*cough*).

Posted by Phil at 9:53 PM | Comments (76) | TrackBack

October 15, 2005

Playaz make special appearnce at local party - "common folks" enthralled

Bon and I appeared this evening at a local party (for our usual "appearance fee" - $5,000.00 per Playa, plus a sandwich and drinks) to stunned party-goers and 'wowed' them with our suave appearance, our class, and of course, our beaver.

My wife came with us as we had to pick her up from work from the local Huddle House, and it was on our way anyway.

Bon over-dressed as usual, wearing a tuxedo, his gold scorpion medallion, and some shoes that I believe once belonged to former NBA basketball player Darryl Dawkins.

I had some pretty sweet Giorgio Bertini's myself.

Of course, the problem I run into at any party I appear at publicly is that I can't seem to keep the ladies at bay, which is particularly difficult when my wife is tagging along. These ladies offered to strip me out of my three-piece J.C. Penney suit and into the hot-tub, but I would only oblige them to have a picture taken with me.

Notice how people can't keep their hands off the beaver. It's coat is so silky-smooth.

So Bon & I cleaned out their refridgerator, drank all of their booze, autographed some buttocks, injected a little crystal-meth and then we were on our way. Needless to say, when we got through with that place, they won't exactly be inviting us back again. But that's okay.

Next week we have a children's birthday party we are booked for our next public appearance. Should be interesting.

Posted by Phil at 11:34 PM | Comments (42)

October 10, 2005

Cast your vote! Which is better...?

For a while now, a relative of Tac's has been trying to convince Tac that he should purchase his '94 Corvette. While I think this would be an outstanding purchase, I also think that if Tac is willing to spend the money on such a vehicle, he should expand his options. I suggested Tac strongly consider a '77 or '78 Pontiac Trans Am. What could possibly be better, I argued, than seeing Tac wheel up in a black "Smokey & The Bandit" Trans Am? If anything, if not because the Trans Am is simply bad, for the comedic value as well. Tac was not completley sold on the idea.

So now I put it to you, the readers. Which is better?

Tac and the 'Vette:

or...

Tac and the T/A?

I think the choice is fairly obvious, but I thought I'd let Tac hear your opinions.

Tac sez: "no way!, I guess in Playa dream land you would purchase the TA before the vette, but no way in real life. I'm eager to see what the results of the vote are. Don't get me wrong, I love the TA, as a matter a fact I would love to have that car, for real, but you can't be serious when you say you would prefer the TA over the vette. It's a Chevy Corvette for goodness sake. The only true American sports car."

Below is a photo of the actual 'Vette Tac was looking at buying.

Vote or die!

Posted by Phil at 10:08 PM | Comments (132) | TrackBack

October 9, 2005

Welcome to www.playazball.com

It has been a long road, but the inevitable has finally happened. Someone offered to design and host our website for free and we accepted, after much discussion to determine if it would be exclusively to the Playaz benefit. We think it will be.

First, let me say I think the site looks great (of course it does). We have two people to thank for that. Mike Rohde, who designs websites for Makalumedia, and can be found at Rohdesign.com. Also, a big, big thanks to Matt Henderson, who sees the obvious genius in the Playaz and made all this possible. If you ever need a website designed, or anything else of a technical nature that I am not smart enough to explain here, visit his company's site at Makalumedia.com. They do consulting, software maintanence, website design and control, (among other things) for the European Space Agency, to give you an example of how good they are.

The site as it stands now is still a work in progress. We have a few other features we will be adding to the site once Mike has time to work them in and as I get more familiar with how the new platform works.

I will be working in the old posts from the old site as I have time. Blogger has no export feature so it could take a while. We know there is much historical data of the Playaz that must be maintained, and your need to research it!

So in closing, thanks again to Matt & Mike, and thanks to you guys for reading.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 PM | Comments (116) | TrackBack

October 8, 2005

There is nothing wrong with your computer.

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to Playaz Ball.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 PM | Comments (22) | TrackBack

September 30, 2005

Posted by Phil at 11:21 AM | Comments (36)

September 23, 2005

Heed my warnings! These stories are true!!

Please forward the following to all of your friends and family within the next 30 minutes, or you will all be eaten by locusts:

I know you probably hate these emails as much as I do, but I felt I had to forward this to everyone I knew, because I would hate if it happened to someone else. A week ago, my next door neighbors Bill and Karen had been planning a family vacation with their only child, a beautiful little girl who's first birthday was coming up. My neighbors were going to visit Karen's parents in Florida to celebrate little Katie's first birthday together.

Because of skyrocketing airline costs, my neighbors were going to drive, so needless to say there was alot to pack for such a long trip. Money had been tight with them for a while now, since Bill had lost his job over three months ago, and the family was stressed out and fought a lot, seemingly all the time. While they were busy packing, Bill and Karen had an argument over who forgot to fill the car up with gas.

With both of them now in a huff, Bill and Karen got in the car to leave but the car would not start. I'm sure they were thinking "what else can go wrong"? Bill turned the car over again and again and the car was making this awful grinding noise and refused to start.

Bill got out and looked under the hood. Inside was the mangled body of his daughter, Katie. Somehow, amidst the fighting and packing, Bill and Karen lost track of Katie, and she had crawled up into the engine block where she got trapped in a fanbelt. Bill's continuous attempts to start the car had killed his little girl.

Please, PLEASE know where your children are at all times....the little things in life are not worth it when it is SO EASY to lose track of your child. I told this story to my auto mechanic and he said he has heard of 4 instances in the last year about small children doing this. They are very curious, and there is lots of room for a child to crawl under your car.

If your car won't start, open the hood and see if your child is under there. DONT KEEP TURNING THE KEY!!!

PLEASE, do not lose sight of the things that are precious to you!!! Pass this on to everyone you know, and tell them to go home and give their little girl or little boy a hug and say "I love you!!"

I swear this is true. Also, I just got an email saying this weekend the "Bloods" will kill you if you flash your headlights at them. That is all.

-Playaz Public Service announcement

Posted by Phil at 4:02 PM | Comments (44)

September 18, 2005

Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow announce engagement, future divorce

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and musician Sheryl Crowannounced the joyous news of their engagement to be married in an interview on ABC's 20/20, and introduced their divorce lawyer Wayne,for their inevitable separation in 12-18 months.
Armstrong spoke admiringly of his fiancee to 20/20's Elizabeth Vargas,
stating that he intends to work on his marriage to Crow just as hard as he did training for the Tour de France. Then, he says, he will simply quit after he's had enough. Crow agreed, stating that she knew from the first moment she met Lance that they would be divorced someday. That prompted her to summon Playaz legal counselor Wayne to handle their future split. Wayne was on hand for the interview and was impressed with Armstrong and Crow's love for each other, as well as their sensibility that it could never last. Wayne was quoted as saying it would be an amicable split, and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason these two celebrity love-birds would soon fall out of love.

Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM | Comments (132)

September 9, 2005

Apple to release special edition "PlayaPod"

Apple is set to announce the release of a special edition iPod specifically endorsed by the Playaz. It is called the "PlayaPod", and will have a special design and is scheduled to arrive in retail stores everywhere sometime in the next month.

The PlayaPod will be slightly different than the typical iPod, in that the PlayaPod will not play music, but will display downloaded photos of your favorite Playa. The PlayaPod will allow you to view the Playaz in sequence (for example, you may have a set Playa list of Phil, Wayne, Guv'na, Tac, and Bon) or, you may select the "shuffle" mode and view Playaz in a random sequence (Guv'na, Tac, Wayne, Bon, and Phil).

The PlayaPod is expected to retail for $199.99.

"We think the kids will find the PlayaPod very exciting, and we expect it to be our hottest new product," Steve Jobs was quoted as saying. "In addition, the PlayaPod will feature different 'skins' that you can attach to personalize your PlayaPod. We are developing one now that will feature the color scheme of Bon's argyle sweater vest and electric blue slacks," Jobs added.

Posted by Phil at 3:17 PM | Comments (31)

August 31, 2005

Baby Playaz

For months now, I have been watching the mind-altering genius of Baby
Einstein videos. If you have not seen it (meaning, you have no kids),
it is the most bizarre series of photos and live action sequences you
have ever seen, and babies will be glued to it for hours. It is
something you might watch if you were high.

It got me thinking though. These people are making great truckloads of
money. So I think we will steal their idea and make money for
ourselves.

I am announcing the development of "Baby Playaz", a video designed to
educate and stimulate the minds of young toddlers.

Our videos will be similar in nature to the Einstein ones, but not so
much that they can sue us.

We will enthrall babies with our glaring visage emitting from their
television sets. They will not be able to take their eyes off of our
colorful cardigans and turtlenecks.

It is well known that little babies eyes are stimulated by various
patterns and shapes, and our videos will provide that as well. Imagine
your baby staring at Bon's argyle sweater for hours on end, soaking in
the knowledge. Your child will be a genius when he or she watches our
Baby Playaz videos.

Of course, the video will also include plenty of other visual stimuli
that will keep your child's attention such as artistic renderings.

We will also merchandise and develop puppets that will help your baby
learn. On this version, we have attached antlers onto the Tac puppet
that will amuse your child. The Tac puppet can be used to talk to your
toddler about the dangers of "mini-whites". Or, if your child is not
behaving, you may use the Tac puppet to shout profanities at your child
to get him or her to be quiet, or the puppet will become even more angry.

So be on the lookout for this exciting new product that should be hitting the shelves soon.

Posted by Phil at 8:00 AM | Comments (5)

August 26, 2005

America's Funniest embarassing moments at Blockbuster

The DVD is nearly complete. We have two versions. There is Tac's, which reportedly is about 22 minutes in length, and mine, which as of this morning is nearly 30 minutes long.

Since I haven't had time to round up photos, I've decided to share with you random things like the drawings below, and today's story, which I hope you will find humorous. It is about a bizarre sequence of events that happened to me at a Blockbuster Video some years ago, while being pursued by 'video nazis' (rcr *wink*).

One particular evening I was dog-sitting for my cousin, and being rather bored decided to cruise over to the local Blockbuster. For reasons unknown, I had a strong desire to watch the movie Halloween. I've
always liked the movie, I just can't explain why on this night I was
dead-set on renting it.

So, I get to the store and go in and I head over to the "horror"
section. The store is fairly crowded that night and there is a group of two guys and two girls standing in the aisle where I knew Halloween would be. I can see about where they are standing that Halloween is situated right in front of them, and the movie is in. I hang back and act as if I'm browsing while they yammer on about whatever crap they are going to rent, waiting for them to eventually leave and go pick up My Best Friend's Wedding or something like that. Then, I hear one of the girls say, "Ooh! What about Halloween?" The group begins debating about it. "No!!", I'm thinking. The girl is adamant that they get it, but the others in the group aren't convinced yet. Finally, one of the guys suggests they look just a little more first.

As the group begins to move to the "new releases" section, I slowly
inch my way down to their end of the aisle. As soon as I determine
their attention is drawn elsewhere, I make my move and grab Halloween.

I want to make a quick getwaway so I immediately turn around and begin
walking away with my video. Not two seconds after I begin walking do I
hear behind me, "Oh my God! It's gone!" My pace doubles.
Now here's the tricky part. I was the only one in the ailse with them at the time, so I can't go straight to the register, or obviously I'm the one who took the video. So I head to the opposite end of the store to act as if I'm still thinking. Second problem. As I'm walking away, I hear one of the girls say "I think that guy took it." Well, now we've just taken this to a whole new level. The video is in my hand (I'm holding the video in front of me so they can't tell for sure if I have anything or not - at least that's what I'm thinking), and I can't let them know it's in my hand, so I have to discard it somewhere else in the store. Why is all of this running through my mind, you ask? I don't know, but for some reason, I didn't want them to think I rented Halloween
because I overheard them saying they wanted to rent it. It was my idea
first, doggone it!! So I dump the video somewhere in the "Romance"
section and then pretend to look at the new releases.

As I am acting as if nothing is wrong and I clearly have not made up my mind and certainly didn't just pick up and hide any videos, the girl approaches me.

"Um, did you just pick up Halloween and then hide it
somewhere?" she asked.

"No. No, I sure didn't," I said back to her giving her a blank stare. A few seconds of awkward silence ensues.

"Um...okay....," she finally says and goes back to her group.

Now what? I've completely dug myself into a hole now. I can't very well get the video while these knuckleheads are still in the store, watching me with their accusatory glances and stares. And I'm not going to stand around and wait them out either. The fact that I had just been busted, so to speak and despite my adamant denials, made me a little uncomfortable to be quite honest with you. So, I decided to leave, Halloween tucked safely away. If I couldn't rent it, neither could they.

I have no idea why I couldn't just own up to it and say I was sorry but I planned on renting the video before I got to the store. I completley panicked, in a sense, but once the wheels started turning, there was no way to stop it. And frankly, I loved every minute of it.
To my knowledge, Halloween may still very well be resting behind Romancing The Stone to this day. I will say this: I laughed the entire ride home.

Posted by Phil at 9:52 AM | Comments (27)

August 15, 2005

Playa twins

Was clearing out the memory in my camera today in order to document Playaz Ball, and ran into this photo of my twins.

They are a chip off the old block. They are similar in many ways, except for their unusual hair-growth pattern.

Posted by Phil at 8:56 PM | Comments (14)

August 7, 2005

Getting back to nature

We had a great weekend - did a little whitewater rafting in the North
Georgia mountains. Killed a couple of backwoods mountain men. My
favorite part of the trip was when Kenny played a little 'Dueling
Banjos' with an inbred retarded kid we met on the way to the river.
Hope you all had a good weekend as well.

Posted by Phil at 1:34 PM

July 30, 2005

When Kenny left the bookstore, not a Gatlin boy was standin'

Put simply, do not mess with Kenny Rogers.

Posted by Phil at 2:11 PM | Comments (8)

July 28, 2005

Oh, the humanity!

I have been living in my own fiery hell recently as my air-conditioning went out the other day. Here in my home state of Georgia, the heat index has been hovering around the 105 degree mark for the past three days. I noticed on the thermostat that my living room and downstairs was at a balmy 83 degrees and rising. So
basically I've been forced to live in the nude, with a consistent layer of sweat glistening off my body working as nature's air conditioner.

With my skin bubbling to a simmering broil, I called around to several
air-conditioning companies to come look at my unit (the hvac unit
outside, not my genitalia), but the earliest anyone could come out was
next week. No good. Fortunately, Tac hooked me up with one of his many
connections and had a man out the same day to fix the inferno that was
my house.

I am pleased to say that my air-conditioner is back up and running!
So, thank you Tac! I have a crisp $5 bill waiting for you for your
troubles.

Life in my un-airconditioned house

Posted by Phil at 1:55 AM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

July 27, 2005

Cracked rear view

Thanks to some genius mailbox installations, Tac recently had his side mirror on his Chevy Z-71 pickup (yeah, c'mon) broken due to one particular mailbox installed too close to the curb so that it stuck out into the roadway.

Normally, Tac would have taken a baseball bat to the offending mailbox
and the gentleman who installed it, but Tac decided he needed some
monetary restitution in addition to an ass whipping.
And that's when you call this man:

I know of no man who wishes to be found liable for punitive and compensatory damages in a court of law, and receive a roundhouse kick to the face by the plantiff's attorney.

Justice will be served.

Posted by Phil at 5:49 PM | Comments (10)

July 22, 2005

"Asscorn" sweeping the nation

Yesterday, I discussed my insightfulness and entertaining comments on other people's blogs. One such blogger who goes by DC Cookie broached the subject of people simply adding a one-syllable noun to the end of the word "ass", and I gave a few examples and thus, coined the phrase "asscorn".

It appears to be working wonderfully, as cited by uses of the word here and on D.C. Sports latest blog here.
Hopefully, my legacy when I die will be that 'asscorn' has worked its
way into everyday conversation and a spot in Webster's Dictionary.

Posted by Phil at 2:40 PM | Comments (17)

July 17, 2005

Bon's steroid testimony before Congress

Many of you may not be aware of this, but in March of this year, Bon
was subpoenaed to testify along with Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Raphael
Palmiero and Curt Schilling before Congress regarding abuses of steroids in professional sports.

While other stars of the sport were reluctanct to testify openly, it was Bon's testimony that encouraged baseball to enact stiffer penalties for those players caught abusing the drug. Bon arrived in a red izod cardigan sweater, kangol, and turtleneck. But in a stunning turn of events, Bon chose to remove his sweater and turtleneck and testified shirtless before Congress, in an effort to demonstrate what a natural-toned body should look like. Bon's glistening shirtless appearance impressed congress greatly, and along
with Bon's impassioned plea for banning the drug, caused Congress to seriously reprimand baseball commissioner Bud Selig to step up his efforts to eliminate abuse.

It appears to have worked. As we have passed the 'midway' point in the
baseball season, players are visibly smaller, and home runs are fewer.
A job well done, Bon.

Selig listens intently to Bon's testimony

Posted by Phil at 11:51 AM | Comments (52)

July 9, 2005

Damn dirty geese......

Bon rises from the deep to extiguish another foe...

Posted by Phil at 2:24 PM | Comments (14)

June 23, 2005

Dinner is served

Dinner is served
I typically fish for my family's dinner and tonight was no exception. I don't fish with "rods" and "hooks". I simply dive in and grab whatever I can. They call it "noodling" in the south and tonight I think I caught us dinner for the next 3 weeks.

I was burrowed up under some asphalt where the lake had washed out the
dirt underneath, when lo and behold I snagged this catfish that I
approximate to weigh around 100 lbs. I am such a skilled fisherman you
will note in the picture that my Kangol still rests perfectly on my
head.

Bon prefers to use dynamite, or a 9 millimeter to shoot the fish, but I am a true sportsman and prefer to do battle with them mano a pescada.

With fish as large as these, you can imagine I've run into trouble
before. I have been bitten by a wide variety of fish & reptiles
roughly 131 times. My wife guts and cleans the fish, and then we have
quite the feast. Even my infant girls enjoy the taste of fish. The
doctor says they are too young to eat fish, but if it was good enough
for me it is good enough for them. They prefer bream, as it is the
sweeter of the fish meats! Add some sourcream and onion potato chips, a brownie for desert, and you have quite a meal my friend.

Posted by Phil at 7:36 PM | Comments (22)

May 12, 2005

Tac & Kenny 1982 Country Music Awards

Kenny & Tac

Here is a favorite picture of mine featuring Tac and Kenny backstage at the 1982 Country Music Awards. Tac was telling a reporter about the
time he mistakenly walked in on Dolly Parton in the nude, and this
greatly amused Kenny.

Posted by Phil at 5:21 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

May 4, 2005

Bon's thought of the day

Random thoughts from my friend Bon: The
Al Qaida guy they caught today looks like the devil. He looks like he
is made of wax and they drug him out of that museum in London.

Posted by Phil at 2:16 PM | Comments (38)

April 27, 2005

It's me, Phil

Hello. And welcome to Playaz Ball. As you can see, I am what is known
on the streets as a "Playa". But a refined Playa. Look at my
well-groomed mustache, and the contemplative way I hold my pipe. A
classy turtleneck. And there you have it.

It gets lonely on the road, and I need a little place where I can share my thoughts. Where is this crazy ride going to take us? Who knows. I can tell you this: You will want to read my blog. You will not be able resist it. Some of you may even feel a bit nauseous, yet you are unable to look away.

I will regale you with tales of other Playaz, and our misadventures.
Other days I will not entertain you at all. It will be my choice.
On the right you will find links to some of my favorite people. In
particular, Larry Holmes and Kenny Rogers.

So, enjoy.

Posted by Phil at 4:32 PM | Comments (26)