October 21, 2008

We don't read the news, we make the news

A loyal reader "B.D. Heath" emailed us from the island where toilets flow backwards, Australia, and sent us the following headline from down under:

Kenny Rogers becomes 'Bionic Man' (Yahoo.au)

Of course, I reminded Mr. Heath that all this transpired two years ago, right here on Playaz Ball in April 2006:

People Magazine soils the good name of Kenny Rogers

Playaz re-build Kenny

Kenny's surgery a success

I suppose news doesn't reach the more primative parts of the world, such as Australia, for some time.

Adds Heath, "Kenny stands for everything our forefathers, convict folk, represent. Honest values and facial plumage that the most down trodden soul can take straight to the bank, even in the toughest economic times. He is quite simply a bionic miracle. -- BD Heath"

Posted by Phil at 10:35 AM | Comments (8)

July 25, 2007

Concerned reader alerts Playaz to potential malfeasance

Dear Bon,

Im not sure you are aware of this and as a long supporter of the Playaz School of Buziness I wanted to share.

A recent assignment took me to Kuala Lumpur where I noted many, and i mean many, Kenny's Roasters sans any reference to Bon in the signage (see Kenny & Bon's signage here).

I had asumed that licencing for Kenny & Bon's roasters would be global and therefore apply to farther flung markets such as Malaysia. By all observations Kenny is cleaning up down here in the absence of the Colonel and his 11 secret 'erbs. And in the absence of Bon.

Kenny's marketing team are also pushing a healthier theme in the chicken which I feel goes outside core values of what Kenny's & Bons's roasters really stands for - more fat, more salt, more calories.

I understand that one must support their CEO but has he ever passed any information to the team regarding the existence of this venture?

I have attached some photos for your reference.

BD Heath
Brand Scientist & Professor of Epicaricacy Studies

Less fat, less salt, less calories...all things the Playaz are against

Surely Kenny could not be guilty of such things. Is this the work of "Nathan's Corp." trying to capitalize on the Playaz name? Or something more sinister???

Posted by Phil at 11:08 AM | Comments (13)

April 16, 2007

And the dance goes on...

Edited: April 18, 2007

As I promised The World, I would keep you updated as I continued desperately to negotiate with my personal friend and Barrister David Lauire and the Citizens International Bank of Nigeria to obtain my rightful inheritance.

You may catch up here:

Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV

Several days had passed with no communications from the Good Barrister. I then received this email from the Citizens Bank:

From:Citizen Bank (citizen_sinternationalbank@yahoo.com)
To: Phil Braun
Subject: THE BANK NEED YOUR ATTN:

Dear Friend.

What is happening to you out there, We have noit heard from you again.

From: Phil Braun
To: Citizen Bank

I must admit, I am getting a bit nervous. I have not heard from Barrister Lauire in a while. Is he on Spring Break?

From: Citizen Bank
To: Phil Braun

Dear friend .

All we want to no now is what is rong with you and Barrister David,Cos Barrister David was here with us on monday last week saying tu are not serious to Claim your late relative fund.

So we desided to stop mailing you.


Managment

Oh No! This did not look good...I decided that despite the fact these people obviously did not know who they were dealing with, I needed to take action myself...and let them know there has been some grave misunderstanding. I then sent concurrent emails to both the bank, and to my good friend Barrister David Lauire:

From: Phil Braun
To: Citizen Bank

Management:

I believe Barrister David to be in error. I was on vacation.

I am a very serious man and have need to claim the Fund.

Could you perhaps intermediate with the Barrister to rectify this situation? What gave him that impression? I only wanted to know with whom I was dealing with.

Phil

From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: April 10, 2007

I have been out of town for a week and never heard back. What is the resolve?

Phil

Hmmm...no reply. I will send another email to Barrister David...

From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: April 14, 2007
Subject: Let's make some money

I believe we are at a stalemate due to a potential language barrier.

Let's refresh our transaction in good faith.

Success! Today, I receive replies from both the bank and Barrister Lauire!

From: Citizen Bank
To: Phil Braun
Date: April 16, 2007

Call this Number so we can talk


234-8083326151

From: David Lauire
To: Phil Braun
Date: April 16, 2007
Subject: BE SERIOUSE.

MY DEAR FRIEND PLS YOU CAN GO NTO HELL FOR ALL I CARE, YOU NOT SERIOUSE

TELL ME ME WHEN YOU ARE SERIOUSE.

DAVID LAUIRE

From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: April 16, 2007

Barrister David:

I am seriouse. Perhaps I should be offend by your offerings to go to Hell, but you call me friend so I must not take offense in this matter.

I am going to call the bank but I have a question. I am not familiar with the workings of the telephone for international calls. They gave me the number: 234-8083326151

This is not like our telephone numbers here where I live. How do I dial this?

Sincerely,

Phil

----------

To: Citizens Bank
From: Phil Braun
Date: April 17, 2007

I am quite concerned about the time difference - it is currently 10:19 a.m Tuesday here - I am under the assumption it is midnight, two days into the future where you reside. Am I correct?

What time do I call?

From: Citzens Bank
To: Phil Braun

Call anytime

To: Citizens Bank
From Phil Braun
Date: April 18, 2007

I have been thinking.

Since it appears Barrister Lauire is not willing to assist me, I feel I may need to involve my own personal counsel since I am inexperienced in conducting inheritance claims of my late Uncle from Canada. His name is Wayne.

Would this be agreeable?

Posted by Phil at 9:31 AM | Comments (183)

March 28, 2007

Reconciled with my Good Friend

edited 3-30-07

I was feeling a little bad about the way I left things with my good friend Barrister David Lauire. I truly did want to make this work. So, I sent him another email.

But before I get to that, if you'd like to catch up, please read:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Yesterday, I sent the following:

From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: Mar 27, 2007

OK - I was a bit nervous before to be quite honest.

I do want to make this transaction, I am just not sure who I am dealing with even though you did send me a photo of your reputable family.

I would like to communicate with you directly.

Phil

The good Barrister then replied...

From: David Lauire
To: Phil Braun
Subject: PLEASE READ YOUR BIBLE (AMOS 3:3) AND GET BACK
Date: Mar 28, 2007

DEAR FRIEND,

I ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT IS WELL NOTED.

FIRSTLY I WILL LIKE YOU TO SEE ATTACHED FILES BELOW SO THAT YOU CAN KNOW THE PERSON YOU ARE DEALING WITH.

SECONDLY THE BANK HAVE GIVEN US FOUR DAYS TO PRESENT THOSE PAPER TO PROOF OUR CLAIM YOU BEEN THE RIGHTFUL NEXT OF KIN TO MY LATE CLIENT.

SIR, ASKED YOU ONCE AGAIN CAN YOU ASSIST WITH US$450 BECAUSE I CAN BE ABLE TO COMPLETE ALL THE BALANCE IF YOU CAN ASSIST BY SENDING THE US$450 SO THAT I CAN PROCEED TO THE FEDERAL HIGH OF JUSTICE HERE IN NIGERIA TO SECURE AND SWEAR AN AFFIDAVIT ON YOUR BEHALF WITH YOUR NAME THAT SHOW TO THE BANK THAT YOU ARE THE RIGHTFUL BENEFACTOR OF MY LATE CLIENT.

HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU WITH DETAILS INFORMATIONS AND A NUMBER I CAN REACH EASILY.

I TRY TO CALL THE NUMBER YOU GAVE TO ME BUT TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE IT ALWAY WENT INTO ANSWERING MACHINE, PLEASE IF YOU WANT TO GET A DIRECT COMMUNICATION WITH ME PLEASE FOR GOD SAKE SEND TO ME A GOOD NUMBER I CAN USE TO REACH YOU OR CALL ME ON MY OFFICE NUMBER BELOW.

+2348051406702

THANKS,
BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE

And look! He attached his "Bar Certificate":

The Citizens Bank has also sent me a friendly "reminder":

Attention: Mr. Phil Braun,

The Above bank is sending you are reminding mail about the transfer of your fund.

Do get back to us with the requested documents so that our Transfer Unit can effect a Swift transfer of your fund before we go for vacation.

Your urgent attention is needed before 3rd, April, 2007.

Best Regards,
Mrs. Grace Chris
Executive Director Citizens International Bank

From: Phil Braun
To: David Lauire
Date: Mar 28, 2007

Dear Friend Barrister,

I am very impressed with your knowledge of the Bible.

You have brought up a point, however, that I must add before we proceed, and that is I do not do business with uncircumcised men (considered "unclean" in my culture). (I Samuel 18:25-27)

Please let me know your status before we proceed.

All My Best,
Phil

Just Added: Ever wonder what a Death Certificate looks like from one of these guys? Here is one that Bon received while communicating with a gentleman named "Eddy Smithint" - I think the "comic sans" font where it reads "Certificate of Death" lets you know it is authentic.

Posted by Phil at 3:15 PM | Comments (11)

March 27, 2007

Quite possibly the final correspondence with Barrister Lauire (but no promises)

Updated below: 3/27/07 11:11 am:

I am breaking down my correspondence, somewhat, to help you keep up.

You can read Part I and Part II here to catch up.

When we last left off from the final correspondence update yesterday, Mr. Lauire was skeptical that it was in his best interests to contact Mr. Larry Holmes.

Today, I received this message from Barrister Lauire regarding my late "Uncle's" wealth.

FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: HURRY UP TIME IS AGAINST US/YOUR PHONE NUMBER
DATE: Mar 27, 2007

Dear friend,

how are you doing?

Well, I do not understand your mail and please do not bit around the bush ok.

I am a man of repute in my country and if you know you are not ready to execute this transaction with please kindly tell me so that I can look for someone to work this out within the next 7bankings as discuss with the Bank board of director this morning.

I told you i need all necessary info about you include your cell number but uptil now no response from you in respect to that.

Note this transaction is a very vital and important transaction and mutual co-operation must be put to enable us acheive this golden field of gold God have showed to us.

I want to know if you are ready to assist with the fees to secure the paper and tell me how much you can afford so that i can know my stands in this tranaction.

remember we have just 6days to get back to the bank and if you know you cannot do anything to speedup this transaction it is better you let it known to me to speed my search for another person.

I awaiting your phone number and how much to can support to get this papers today.

My regards to your family
Thanks,
Barrister David

From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 27, 2007

Dear Barrister Lauire,

I am doing well, thanks. How are you?

I thought my email was rather clear. I do not beat around the bush. In fact, I was recently sued over having an unkempt bush, so this is a matter I do not take lightly.

I have been wanting to give you my phone number, but was embarrassed to say I did not own a phone and could be reached through my good friend Larry Holmes.

The golden field of gold you mention is well within our grasp.

Please go here: http://www.hollywoodiscalling.com/order.php

The phone call is only $29.95 to you. At that point Mr. Holmes will give you all of my information. Please note, he has only 30 seconds to speak to you (no exceptions!). If you need another 30 seconds, an additional $29.95 will be required. (He is also available for birthdays, anniversary calls, etc. for only $19.95)

From that point, I am prepared for you to afford whatever is necessary to get the golden gold.

My family asks me to tell you They Love You.

Phil

FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: HOW MUCH CAN YOU AFFORD TO ASSIST
DATE: Mar 27, 2007

Attention: Mr. Man,

I can see and read your mail. listen am not here to crack joke or play because i have to use my precious time to make this work out.

I asked you for the last time how much can you afford or you drop out from this transaction.

again this transaction is not for childs play or do i look like a kid to you? People like you lose the best of luck in life.

if you know you cannot do this or get a phone number which i will use to communicate with you then you better f*ck off from this important transaction.

Best wishes.

Barrister David

From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 27, 2007 11:11 am

I am no Child, Mr. Lauire!!!!! I am a full grown man with a mustache and many turtlenecks!!!

And I will NOT f--- off from this transaction! NO! I am very lucky and will rightfully claim my inheritance!!

You have gravely misunderstood me, Barrister. I am going to obtain your "precious" phone number and we will settle this right away.

In fact, you are the one who keeps dancing around the question "how much can you afford to assist?" You tell me how much you can afford to assist!?

Thank you, and God bless your family,
Phil

FWD: TO DAVID LAUIRE
From: Phil Braun, 12:36 pm

You may reach me at 800-628-4267

Read Part IV

Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM | Comments (16)

March 25, 2007

Even more further email correspondence (with my good friend Barrister Lauire)

(Updated 3/26/07 4:05 p.m.)

To catch you up on where we left off, I was contacted by Barrister David Lauire (lawyer of great repute and many years experience) regarding a "possible" relative of mine who died horrifically and left $300,000 behind.

Confirming that he was my Uncle Muhammad from Canada, Barrister Lauire and I have been communicating as to how best to transfer the funds to me. My last correspondence was to inform Mr. Lauire I was contacting the bank to get my money!

You can read the full email exchange up to this point by going here.

As I said I would, I contacted the Bank:

From: Phil Braun
To: Citzens International Bank (they have a "yahoo!" address)
Date: Mar 22 2007
Subject: MY BOUNTIFUL RICHES

Dear Bank:

I was instructed by my lawyer, Barrister David Lauire, who has many years experience and is of great repute, to contact you regarding my late Uncle Muhammad (of Canada) and the money he has bequeathed to me.

Please instruct me on what steps I need to take to receive my money. There is a solid gold toilet I have on order and wish to purchase.

Sincerely,
Phil Braun

Yesterday, I received three emails from the Bank! Huzzah! But wait! The bank is asking for "official documents"! "Oh, no", you say! Fortunately, I also received an email from Barrister Lauire, exactly the same time as I received the email(s) from the Bank asking me to update him. Thank Allah! Perhaps he will be able to assist me (see below).

(this email was from the "Citizens International Bank" - I received three of these, with the same message....so it must be important)

FROM: CITIZENS INTERNATIONAL BANK (and what do you know, they are in Nigeria!)
SUBJECT: PROOF OF OWNERSHIP
Date: Mar 24 2007

RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION

Attn: Beneficairy,

With regards to your Application send to us by via e-mail, in respect of your claim as the next of kin of one of our late foreign customer Mr. Tuhair Muhammed who has to be your Brother / Relative.

The Bank authority has checked their files and came in conclusion that your late relative deposited the said amount in our Bank.

We hereby urge you to present the following vital paper to proof your claims as a next of Kin of Late Mr. Tuhair Muhammed

The papers as follows:
1, Death Certificate of Late Mr. Tuhair Muhammed
2, Affidavit of Claim as the Beneficiary of the said amount.
3, Letter of Administrator
4, Certificate of will that show you are the rightful Next of Kin
5, Your private phone and Fax number.
6, A copy of your driver's License or international passport.
With these following Documents provided we can go ahead issuing the Change of Ownership Certificate to you been the rightful owner of the Fund.

Note we can transfer the fund in two ways.

1, By swift transfer your bank account.
2, Delivery to you through diplomatic courier service.

Thanks for your understanding,

Mrs. Grace Chris.
Executive Director

FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: UPDATE ME
DATE: MAR 24 2007

UPDATE ME ON ANYTHING YOU AND THE BANK CONCLUDE.

BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE

(I then hastily sent the following reply):

From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 24, 2007

Thank you for writing. I have received the following from the Bank: (I copied the bank email here)

First, they are under the impression that Tuhair Muhammad is my Brother? We both know damn good and well he is my Uncle!!! Unless it's better for him to be my brother. I have no problem with this.

Secondly, as you see they are asking for the Death Certifiicate, a certificate of will showing that I am, in fact, his next of kin. Obviously we will have to forge these documents. It is the only way Barrister Lauire. We want to "forge" ahead with this transaction, don't we? LOL!!

I assume you will handle these items accordingly. Uncle/Brother Muhammad would have wanted it that way.

Phil

FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
SUBJECT: URGENT ATTENTION NEEDED BROTHER
DATE: Mar 26, 2007

Dear Client Phil,

Please your phone number so that I can call you and explain to you but on phone.

Thanks,
Barrister David Lauire (SAN)

(Phil's note: Funnily, Mr. Lauire sent me three other emails to a "client Luisa"...surely someone else is not claiming to be the relative of my Uncle Muhammad?? He was informing them that he was "short" $650 to file their paperwork. Oh, well - not my concern)

From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 26, 2007

I am but afraid of something I did not tell you. I do not "personally" own a telephone.

I have many sensitive business dealings that preclude me from conversing directly over the phone. Typically, I communicate through my third party, Former Heavyweight Champion of the World Larry Holmes.

If you wish to communicate to Mr. Holmes, I may be able to direct you thusly.

Thank You, Brother
Phil

FROM: DAVID LAUIRE
DATE: Mar 26, 2007

Dear friend,

In respect of your mail to me, I will like to communicate with you so that I know am not dealing with a ghost.

For the prepare of the papers how much can you afford to assist now because time is not in ourside.

Please try to get back to me if you are ready to do this with me or I look for someone.

I will wait for your reply before I decide what to do and how to get this transaction done fast.

Thanks,
Barrister David

From: Phil Braun
Date: Mar 26, 2007

I am chuckling at your reply, because Larry Holmes is no "ghost". He is one of the greatest boxers in American History. He is a personal friend of mine and you may give him the instructions, and I will provide him all of my personal information to give to you. I will give you the details to telephone him at your request.

As for the papers, I am willing for you to afford whatever is necessary to expedite the proceedings.

Thanks in Advance,
Phil

PART III

Posted by Phil at 9:25 AM | Comments (27)

March 19, 2007

Further email correspondence with internet friends

Update! 3/20/07 (add'l correspondence at the bottom of this post)

Fate has once again smiled upon me, and yet another diligent soul has discovered me so that I may inherit riches I so richly deserve.

Let's begin:

From: david lauire (davidlauire1@hotmail.com)
Subject: THANK GOD I HAVE FOUND YOU
Date: Wed, February 28, 2007:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE a personal Advicer to the deceased (Engr Tahir Muhammad) of Canada who died sometime ago.

I am compelled to write you this email for the following reason:-The above named person, who is now deceased, in His Will, left for someone who bears your name his entire Estate and Cash Deposit valued 300,000.00 Pounds.

The truth is that, l do not know if you are the beneficiary or not. For two years now, l have tried effortlessly to locate the name on the will without success hence l have contacted you,Can you please get back to me urgently if you think you are the one or you desire further explanation,get back to me immediately.

If you are the one get back to so that I will tell you what to you and how you can get the money transfer below is the account of Tahir Muhammad.

You are requested to send to me this vital and usefull information below.

Your Contact Address
Your Phone Number #
Your internationat drivers licienc
Your Occupation
Your Age
Your Sex
Website: nwbinteruk.com/uk/
ACCOUNT NUMBERS: 9087893425617
PIN NUMBERS: 20123

I WANT YOU TO CLICK THE LINK BELOW AND GET BACK TO ME URGENTLY.

I look foward to hear from you.

God Bless Us All

BARRISTER DAVID LAUIRE

March 2, 2007, Phil Braun wrote:

I thank God you have found me, too, David.

Yes! I am he of which you have so effortlessly seeked!

Thankfully, I checked this old email address, or else I would never have been able to receive this bounty from Uncle Muhammad of Canada!

Please respond to phil at playazball dot com for ensuing correspondence!

Yes, God Bless Us All,
Phil Braun
phil at playazball dot com

(Thursday, March 8th, Mr. Lauire responds)

My Dear Friend,

Many thanks to you for your urgent response to my mail.

I thank God have found the relative of my late clients.

For the progress and proceeding of your relative fund and estate to be
transfer to you, as I am going to use my law firm to file an application of claim with your name as the beneficiary of the fund.

Secondly I want you to know that there are legal procedures to follow in a situation of this nature, hence we shall strictly abide by the rules and regulation of the processing of this fund transfer so that by the end of it all there won't be any problem to either you or I.

By the way, I am a lawyer of repute with many years of experience so be sure that I know what to do and how to go about this remitance of your late relative fund to you.

I Implore you to keep this in a secret and confidential manner to yourself only. Secondly. We shall be applying legally to the federal high court registry here through a deposed Affidavit.

Remember you will be the one to tell the bank where they will transfer the fund to.

REQUIREMENTS
1. Your full name and Your full address
2. Your private phone and fax numbers
3. Your international passport or driver's license
4. Occupation
5. Age

So that I will go to the Federal High Court to Swear an Affidavit of claim in your favor as the rihgtful next of kin to my late Client Engr Tahir Muhammad which you will send to me as an attachment through email, I will be able to forward every necessary documents to the legal department of the Bank to put claims for the transfer of the said fund into your nominated bank account.

Note with your full co-operation and effort the fund can be transfer in (7)banking days.

There is no risk or Government involvement in this.

I promised to be sending you every necessary document concerning this fund for your perusal as a proof and for your own record and only what I need from you is your maximum co operation, seriousness and your full support so that we can conclude this with out any delays.
Below is the attachment of my late client picture and his estates and my family picture.

Thanks for your cooperation while I wait for your urgent response.

write for more details as regards to this important subject.

Please do feel free to write any time until then good luck.

Yours truly,

Barrister David Lauire (SAN)
Tel:234-806213612

Mr. Lauire also attached photos to the email:

Poor, dead Uncle Muhammad...yep, that's him!

This was labled "family picture"...I guess of the Honorable David Lauire's family, letting me know he is definitely on the up and up

This was titled "real estate" - I assume of my "late" Uncle. Sweet!

Below is my most recent correspondence back to Mr. Lauire:

From Phil Braun, March 19, 2007
No question, that is him, my late Uncle Muhammad.

As you requested, I will keep this confidential. I do have a website - is it OK if I inform others of this glorious news? I will urge them extreme discretion and secrecy in the matter.

Should I give you the information or the bank?

My full name is Philemon P. Braun, and I am a Gentleman of Leisure.

Thank You Barrister Lauire!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Uncle Muhammad!!!!!!!!!!

From: David Lauire
Subject: GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU; SEND YOUR DETAILS TO THE BANKTODAY

Philemon P. Braun,

Thanks for your recent mail to me .

Please do make sure that you send your informations details to the bank because it is the bank that will have to asign their personal lawyer who they can confide on in matters of this nature., and i will also like to have your valid phone number for voice contact .

i await to read from you soonest.

thanks

Barrister David Lauire

from Phil Braun

I, too, am delighted you have heard back from me.

I will contact the bank forthwith with my personal information. I am also 6'4", weigh approximately 215 lbs, and wear a 46 long sport jacket. I don't know how this might come into play, but I thought you might need it.

At some point, we will have to get together so that I might lavish gifts upon you with the $300,000 I will be receiving. We also have copious amounts of comet dust, if you know what I mean.

What exactly happened to Uncle Muhammad? He looks shot up pretty good? Knowing "Uncie Mo", he probably was attempting to execute the Playaz Business Model and did not execute it properly. This happens sometimes.

At any rate, I am off to email the bank.

Good day to you, Barrister Lauire!

Phil

Posted by Phil at 3:34 PM | Comments (9)

July 14, 2006

America, Pt. II: Don't tread on the Playaz

At the behest of Unique Alias, I am posting another session of "Education: Playaz-style" between myself an yet another confused reader before it scrolls off into the archives.

I am also creating another category in our sidebar titled "Fan Mail" as these sessions seem to be becoming more frequent. While this is technically culled from the comments section of our previous post "United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth", I feel it is appropriate for the topic at hand.

In that post, a young fan hailing from the U.K. posted Anonymously (side note: seriously, why 'anonymous'? I mean, even "jeff s" had the guts to email me direct from his office email account at his tuxedo shop with Lord West...can't you at least make up a name?) and was decidedly opposed to my opinions that the U.S. is in fact the Greatest Country On Earth. So, with poor grammar and a hastily prepared diatribe, "anonymous" and I had the following exchange:

when u beat the crap out of the english wernt u all english too! and u had the french , dutch and spanish armies on your side. most of the english were actualy irish and german. can u count being envolved (sic) in WW1 ? and u eventualy joined WW2 when japan and germany declared war on u. u yanks live in a dream world.

Posted by: Anonymous at July 11, 2006 09:25 PM

Anonymous, I would say if it weren't for the U.S. you'd be speaking (insert foreign language: german, japanese, italian, spanish, etc.)...but I'm not sure what to say because that's barely English you're typing.

Americans are not just English settlers. As you say we had Irish, German, etc. in our colonies at the time. We take the best of all cultures, then beat the crap out of whatever remains behind in that culture, because they are inferior.

I'd say we count in WWI, since we basically won it. Yes, we eventually did join WWII when you pansies couldn't get the job done (again), so we did it on two fronts for you.

Don't make us crush you, anonymous! You cannot hide from the USA!

Posted by: Phil at July 11, 2006 09:49 PM

do you seriously think anyone is scared of the USA.

Posted by: Anonymous at July 12, 2006 11:46 AM

The people of Hiroshima & Nagasaki might disagree. If they were alive.

Oh yeah.. your own country won't even take a piss without our say-so first.

Posted by: Phil at July 12, 2006 12:06 PM

when we smashed argentina there were quite a few yank mercenary's helping them out! They were all wiped out by the Royal marines easy . By the way doubt you know this fact but it was the British that gave the Jap army their biggest defeat during WW2 in Burmah. of course dropping bombs on weak civilians is a perfect measure of how brave the USA is, your still doing it today

Posted by: Anonymous at July 13, 2006 01:43 PM

1) Yes - the mighty Argentinians. Which, by the way, we helped you win that one, too - go back and read your history books. The U.S. gave you missiles and machinery that actually worked and Margaret Thatcher herself said without the United States, Britain would have "never gotten back the Falklands". Enjoy your Patagonia sweaters! It was worth it!

2) Burma - when you say "British", you mean "British India", right? Yes this was the biggest Japanese defeat - unless you count the 214,000 we obliterated in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and forced Japan to surrender.

3) You got that right! That's how you win wars. Your country should look into it.

Posted by: Phil at July 13, 2006 02:04 PM

England invented democracy in 1649 thanks to the english civil war , thats long before we inventsd America , Australia , New Zealand , Canada , South Africa , Hong Kong ect

Posted by: Anonymous at July 13, 2006 02:06 PM

i have to admit it would be easier to win this argument if you were french

Posted by: Anonymous at July 13, 2006 02:08 PM

I look forward to seeing who the newly elected King and Queen will be.

I'll tell you what America invented: Business Opportunity. What if I told you that one could strike it rich, simply by posting comments on the internet, just as you're doing now?

Posted by: Phil at July 13, 2006 02:54 PM

I guess if there are any lessons to be learned here it is A) The U.S. is the Greatest Country On Earth, B) If you want to debate the Playaz, you will lose, because we are always right, and C) I would like to meet this young man to discuss a unique business opportunity that can benefit the both of us. If I could just have 5 minutes of your time to discuss our Business Model.

P.S. Unique Alias wanted to add: "someone should tell him that the Greeks invented democracy. You know, on account of the fact that it's from the Greek demos, "people," and kratos, "rule". And also, uhm, well-documented history."

Posted by Phil at 9:23 AM | Comments (5)

June 23, 2006

Fan Mail

Many of you email us from time to time, and we read and reply to each and every email we receive. Friday I received an email from a young man who works at Lord West, a tuxedo rental store as best I can tell. I have decided to share with you this engaging and delightful email from "jeffs".

I have posted them in the order they were exchanged.

Note: The below email contains some partially edited profanity. If you are under the age of 18, please turn off your computer immediately.

From: jeffs
To: playaz@playazball.com
Re: GAY
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 2:26 PM

BOOOOOOO!!! WEBSITE SUCKS C_CK!!!!!!

On 6/23/06, Phil wrote:
(laughing) What??
P.S. Your tuxedos suck c--k.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:13 PM
To: Phil

Tuxedos? Did you go to tuxedos.com ? Ever wear a tuxedo? Or are you to busy running around in gay customes and sh*tty photoshop work? Every Image on your website is sh*t, Looks like someone just picked up Microsoft paint and try to do something with it, Learn some photoshop skills and design skill. Playaz ball, should be homo ball, Looks like a bunch of grown ass men trying to be funny with a sh*tty website, and the name Playaz ball lol ever touch a women besides your ugly ass wife?

On 6/23/06 3:23 PM, "Phil" wrote:
Costumes? Photoshop?

Your tuxedo store is obviously not refined enough to know good taste when they see it. I would never rent one from your store, based on what you've told me here.

As far as women goes: ever hear of "Dian Parkinson"? That should tell you all you need to know.

Our site is serious, and is not designed to be funny.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:35 PM
To: Phil

Store? Rent? This is not a tuxedo store, we handle big names like Ralph lauren, Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis,
Ecko Unltd, and I’m a graphic Designer for this company. We don’t rent. We sell to stores that do rent. Now whats so serious about your site? First look , I though it was couple guys trying to make a funny site called playaz ball. Which I though was a joke. Explain your site because your front page doesn’t do anything if it is a real site. Dian Parkinson, No never heard of her, Well maybe I did, old playboy model. I am sure shes old and washed up now.

On 6/23/06 4:00 PM, "Phil" wrote:

I see, the big names. Well I would love something high-end, like this: Link

I think the ascot is a nice touch, and right up my alley. I am a 46 long. And give me a coat with as many buttons down the front as will fit.

No the site is not funny at all. I think that may be where your confusion and anger have set in. It is five of us, and we report to you on our activities.

As far as the design and your self-proclaimed expertise, here's an idea: Why don't you pay us to do design work to our site to improve it?

And how dare you, sir, declare Ms Parkinson "old and washed up"!! !!!!!!!1!!!one!

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Phil

Lol, I’m only 22, Shes before my time. I don’t know about paying you, but you can pay me to improve your site . Good luck

On 6/23/06 4:16 PM "Phil" wrote:

She could teach you a lesson or two in the ways of love, young man.

You obviously don't understand how our business model works. You may go here for reference: Link

I'm suprised you are only 22.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:35 PM
To: Phil

Well I get the point, I look at everything a certain way, My first impression should be WOW, then I get hooked into it. I seriously though your website was just for fun, I try to be perfect in every aspect in design. Bad designs upset me and I have no clue why. So that’s why I emailed you, Most people don’t email me back but you did so it was pretty funny. I’ll have to look into your site more to understand I guess, But your link did help. Why are you so surprised I’m 22?

On 6/23/06 4:47 PM "Phil" wrote:

Just kidding. I am not suprised.

Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM | Comments (15)

June 6, 2006

Would you be my pen-pal?

As I was wondering how I would celebrate "Seis de Satanás" (6/6/06), I decided to find a new pen-pal (although today everything is done via text messaging or emails).

Yesterday I was reading this, which featured photos of the rock band Lordi. So I thought, "who better to email a letter to on a day such as today than one of these fine gentlemen?"

I decided to email "Kita", the drummer, as drummers are typically the lowest on the rock group food chain (except maybe for keyboardists) and might possibly feel a bit lonely on the evilest of days.

Here is what I sent:

From: Phil Mailed-By: gmail.com

To: kita@lordi.org Date: Jun 5, 2006 2:48 PM Subject: Greetings Kita!

Hello, Kita!

I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I have just recently discovered your band - I assumed most people email Lordi himself, and that the rest of the band-mates do not get as much attention, so I am emailing you!

How are you?

You seem to have an interesting band. I, too, have a "band", if you will, but we do not play instruments. We mainly drink bourbon and do drugs (comet dust and cocaine the drug of choice).

I noticed you are from Finland? I have direct ancestors from Norway - I don't know if the Fins hate the Norwegians or the other way around, but as I see it, we are all Scandanavian brothers, yes?

I also wanted to ask you about playing the drums. Does the armor get in the way? How about the torn-open decaying flesh? It would seem difficult with the work it takes to play drums with the nerve endings being exposed like that - or, perhaps they are dead?

Anyway, I look forward to learning more about Lordi (the band - I still think you're the best).

Best wishes,
Phil

I will let you know if I should receive correspondence back from Kita.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 AM | Comments (27)

March 10, 2006

Emailz

Just as everything the Playaz do is first-class, now our email addresses are too (or, as my mother would call them, our "websites").

Please make note in your address book that our email address is not just changing, but you may now include the personal email address of each individual Playa.

Our general email, that will now be sent to all Playaz when you choose it, is no longer the Yahoo! address but is now playaz@playazball.com (please note: all Playaz will receive the emails sent to this address).

If you want to send an email specifically to a particular Playa, please use the respective addresses below:

phil@playazball.com

wayne@playazball.com

guvna@playazball.com

bon@playazball.com

tac@playazball.com

The addresses are in the sidebar for your convenience. The Yahoo! address will remain active for a while, so don't worry if you still send something there.

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM | Comments (29)

January 19, 2006

We are rich!

Update 1/23: Latest correspondence posted below

You already knew that. But more specifically, we recently received an email straight from the desk of a Mr Suleman Muhamede with the Bank of Africa.

Mr. Muhamede has discovered $33,500,000 of "abandoned" money from one of their foreign clients who tragically died recently. He has no next of kin. Mr. Muhamede has decided that it would be bad for this money to go unclaimed, since it would only revert to the government treasury. So he has wisely chosen us, The Playaz, to assist him in laundering this money in the States for a cut. It is all legal, he assures us. Plus he is with the Bank of Africa, which is the bank for the entire continent of Africa, so you know it must be legit.

Below is the email exchange between me and Mr. Muhamede, starting with the intial contact I received and my replies following:

suleman muhamede (muhamede07@hotmail.com) wrote: From the Desk Of: Mr Suleman Muhamede, Bank of Africa.Burkina faso.

ATTENTION: SIR/MADAM

I REQUEST FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSACTION
I am the manager at the auditing and accounting department of Bank Of Africa
(B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US$33.5.m dollars ( US dollars) in an account that belonging to one of our foreign customer.Who died along with his entire family in Monday, 31 July, 2000 in a plane crash in paris.Please visit this site that is one of the evidence the directors brought in other to swallow
the money at the end of the day,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm"

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this
discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent isbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after fours years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.

Thereafter, I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your desiggnited bank account ,you must apply first to the bank as a relation or next of kin of the deceased with a text of application that i will send to you,so i will ike you to send to me your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application . I will not fail to bring to your
notice this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.

°1)Dear p/s reply this mail.
°2)your tele number...........
°3)your fax number...........
°4)your photo................with your age......

WHEN YOU DO THIS I WILL FORWARD YOU A FORM THAT YOU WILL FILL
AND SEND IT TO BANK.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Suleman Muhamede,
BANK OF AFRICA(B.O.A)

Mr. Muhamede,

This is exactly the type of transaction we are interested in.

My company is Playaz, Inc. We are businessmen. We will take your $33.5 million dollars. However, you do not fully understand the Playaz Business model. We deposit your millions in our multiple off-shore accounts. In return we will give you a crisp $100 bill for entrusting us with your money. We will spend it wisely, I assure you.

Please send us the money as soon as possible.

Thank you for your kind offer. Our personal information is all online.

Sincerely,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede wrote: Dear Phil, Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free.I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully.You don't have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transfered into your account without having any problem.What you have to do is to listen to my guide line untill the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursment of the fund according to the percentages I indicate in my first letter.30% for you,60% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure....telepone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered.For your information I got your email address from an internet when I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you.I strongly beleive that we will work together as partners and get this fund transfered into your account peacefully.Y ou have to undrstand now that don't have much time now so we have to be fast in any thing we are doing to be get intoch to bank informed. May looking at the whole transfer process it might look so difficult to achieve a sucessful result but I tell you that it is not as difficult as you might see it.There will not be any risk or problem after this fund is transfered into your account because i will delete all the files concerning the deceased in our bank after the fund is transferred.This business is involve only you and I.I want to assure you that this business will not cause any kind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally.When this fund is transfered there will be some cover up document's my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired.I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine's back to Burkina-faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming.We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you want to do with it.This business will take us about 14 working days to mature.You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the surpport I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day. Mr Suleman Muhamede. Bellow is the application for the transfer. ========================================================================================================================== ATTN: Dr Adama Compaore The Director of Operations Foreign Remittance Division Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina-faso. EMAIL:bankofafricaa@excite.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF US$33.5 Million US dollars FROM DORMANT ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55.
Please be inform that I wish to transfer the sum of US$33.5 Million US dollars from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as will be detailed below:

BANK NAME: ...........................................
ADDRESS: .............................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................................
BENEFICIARY: .........................................
YOUR PRIVATE FAX NUMBER / YOUR EMAIL
ADDRESS: .........................................
AGE....................................................
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin Mr.Kurt Kahle who died in a Plane crash on Monday, 31 July 2000. He was an Australian national, but resided in Ouagadougou Burkina-faso and owned :

STE BILLINGS SARL
IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

I am his cousin and named next of kin. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated account as shown above.
Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic
problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully,

Mr. Muhamede,

Believe me, you have found the most reliable person on teh internets.

Please allow me to restate our business model: You give us the $33.5 million dollars (we prefer it be delivered in cash, for tax purposes). In return you will receive a newly minted, crisp $100 bill for your trust in the Playaz. "Is this a fair deal?" you ask? Yes!

Here is how you benefit: By delivering us this "found" money, you will supply the Playaz with the funds necessary to continue to entertain you, the entire continent of Africa, and the world. We cannot operate our jets, buy our drugs, our gold medallions, our minks, our Red Lobster dinners, without the generosity of investors like you. You stand to gain by allowing yourself to become one of our investors. Your return will be almost sure wealth as the people you encounter through your future endeavors will most assuredly be impressed by your connection with the Playaz. This will open many doors for you. And don't forget the $100 bill we promised! It will be mailed to you post-haste, after we have received this glorious bounty you are so graciously giving to us.

We will need you to mail the money, in a large box or container of some sort, and mark it "books", or "cheese" or something that won't garner attention. Put the return address from my uncle who lives in Minnesota (I will provide to you upon confirmation). When you mail it, wear a purple bandana and a red izod cardigan and call yourself "Steve".

Also, we have come into a large amount of Comet Dust, from outer space. We are looking for a reliable individual to deliver a large amount of this dust for the purposes of resale. We believe it to be illegal here in the States, but feel that there are no adequate Comet Dust laws in Africa, and would provide a loophole in allowing us to sell it there and for a hefty profit. We would like to deliver to you roughly 100 kilos of comet dust. We will discuss it's street value once you have received it. Then, once you sell it, you will provide us access to the money for retrieval, and in return we will give you a crisp $100 bill.

If this arrangement sounds good to you, we are ready to go!

thanks,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote:
I don't understand you my dear.

OK, forget all that. This might make more sense to you, as our model can be confusing.

First we sell my father's suburban. Then we turn around and buy a bass boat. We take the bass boat out to California and sell it (bass boats in California will sell for nearly double what they will here), turn around and buy a load of "Hula Poppers" (perhaps the best fishing lure on the market), turn around and buy more bass boats, sell those and then buy a Lear jet.

Let me know and we'll get started. Our information is online at www.playazball.com.

Sincerely,
Phil

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: i don't understand all your saying thanks bye

So we'll just wait to hear from you, then.

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT

So it's all settled then.

Mr. Muhamede has since closed his Yahoo! email account. I assume further correspondence will be through the "Bank of Africa"'s Excite.com email account.

Posted by Phil at 6:01 PM | Comments (132) | TrackBack