April 20, 2010

Once more into the breach

My fellow Americans.

For 5 years now, we have been monitoring your behavior. Through this blog, we have been able to collect valuable information that will serve us well going into the future.

We have found the internets to be a great and powerful tool: for viewing nudity, for generating wealth through pyramid transactions, and for ensuring that our message spread across the globe.

You have noticed by now that four of my good friends have passed on to their Great Reward. It was predicted many years ago by the Prophet Doug Henning that I myself would meet a terrible demise prior to my 45th birthday.

But do not weep. Do you not know that the Playaz will be more powerful in death than we were in life? This site will live on for future generations. Our schemes will continue to fill our coffers. Our children will one day rise up to crush you all.

I must recognize those who have linked to our site, those acolytes past and present who have aided in delivering our propaganda. Some of you I care a great deal about. Others not so much, but you deserve recognition all the same. I owe a special debt (a word I never use, if you know me. If anything, you owe me. But for purposes of this sentiment...) to the entire Washington D.C. blogging community. An appropriate word, "blog", which sounds like "bog" - which is how the Playaz' generally viewed all of you - swamp-dwelling minions who served the Playaz' greater good in and around The District. A truly unique community that has long battled my hometown of Atlanta for most murders per capita, and I must respect that. But all the same, what better outlet for our us than the nation's capital?

Also, if I have forgotten anyone to thank (and I know for a fact that I have), know that it is not intentional. Many years of narcotics use has deteriorated my memory to keep up with all of you - but please know that I appreciate each and every person who has ever read, linked to, or commented here at this site. We thank those who deserve thanks. We curse the rest of you.

(if you wish to complain of your omission, you may send me an email, which will then be forwarded to the head of our complaints department, Mr. Sheriff)

As for me, I will step out of this matrix. The story of the Playaz is all here for you. Go back to the beginning, and relive our journeys together if you wish. Surely we will meat again some day.

I have left you with this final video "tribute" for your pleasure. So, once more, my dear friends.....once more.

The End from Phil Braun on Vimeo.

You may sign the

Posted by Phil at 10:07 AM

March 24, 2010

Phil angered that Playaz' deaths could potentially ruin Playaz Ball '10

The recent deaths of all but one of the Playaz has potentially ruined Playaz Ball 2010 for Phil, which was recently announced in a lone press conference attended by the only remaining living Playa (Phil).

Playaz Ball 2010 is scheduled for the weekend of September 11.

Phil is quite upset that his good time could be ruined by the selfish acts of the deceased Playaz.

Playaz Ball could be as lonely and depressing as this solitary midget walking on the beach just outside of Playaz' Headquarters

Posted by Phil at 3:49 PM

March 5, 2010

Phil grants interview to discuss Playaz' deaths

In the midst of everything that's been happening here over the last couple of months, including the tragic demise of my dear friends and fellow Playaz Tac, Wayne, Bon, and The Guv'na, I have received numerous requests to grant an interview to various members of the media.

I ultimately decided to grant an exclusive interview to the most trustworthy newsource that I know. I have attached the introduction to that show. I don't know why the full broadcast hasn't aired yet, but producers have been telling me recently that for some reasons their show is not on any station anywhere.

Well, hopefully it will get picked up soon, and you'll get an in depth look at how I've managed to continue on in these sad times.

Posted by Phil at 1:38 PM

March 1, 2010

Something great...

..in the face of despair.

Posted by Phil at 10:11 AM

February 8, 2010

Cat jumps into lap moments before man known as "The Guv'na" befelled by trusted ape

Manfred P. Mann, alias "Manny", alias "The Guv'na", died early Saturday morning at his breakfast table when "Oscar", the death-predicting cat, jumped up into The Guv'na's lap. In mere moments, Guv'na was then beaten to death by "Travis" the Chimp.

Travis and The Guv'na had become friends after a previous mauling, whereby Travis, with the strength of 10 humans, tore off the face of a woman who was thought to have made eye contact with the ape. The Guv'na took in the chimpanzee and befriended him despite warnings from his friends and wildlife authorities.

The Guv'na enjoyed riding high-wheeled bicycles and wearing lavish fur coats. The Guv'na has faced multiple near-death experiences in his lifetime. He was one poisoned by several midgets that administered sweets to the Guv'na that were laced with PCP. He was also run over by Phil when the Guv'na decided to nap beneath the tires of a Ford F-150 truck to stay out of the sun.

The Guv'na came back to life in both of those instances, but he was unable to overcome death at the hands of Travis the Chimpanzee, after having all of his limbs torn from his body, his face ripped off, and was bludgeoned beyond recognition. It was initially believed that the Guv'na was a deceased chimp himself amidst all the blood and fur, until forensics identified him as human.

The coroner was able to identify the Guv'na from the candy cane tattooed on his penis.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM

February 2, 2010

Cat has uncanny ability to predict death

Article

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM

January 21, 2010

Attorney to the stars sued many, loved many; dies of pubic lice

Wayne Williams, attorney and friend of the Playaz, represented many famous celebrities and was involved in thousands of lawsuits before he passed away Thursday, January 21, 2010 confined to his bed with multiple sexually transmitted diseases.

Williams was known to have slept with as many women as he had lawsuits. He has been bedridden for over two months after reportedly contracting herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, hepatitises A, B, and C, human papilloma virus, before ultimately being devoured by pubic lice.

Wayne stated prior to death that he would like to leave his lasik-corrected eyes, which now have 20/10 vision, to Moses Malone. Malone had been known to wear goggles during his basketball playing days. It was not clear if they were corrective goggles, or merely for protection.

Wayne's guestbook

Posted by Phil at 2:10 PM

December 22, 2009

Angels and Demons

"Who are you?"

"My name is Clarence, and I'm your Guardian Angel. I came down here to save you, Phil."

"Save me?? Save me from what?"

"You've been given a great gift, Phil. You've truly had a wonderful blog. And now I'm going to help you see what a gift you've been given by showing you what the internet would be like if you'd never been born."

"Never been born?! Who said I wished I had never been born?! I just get tired of updating this stupid, penny-ante blog every once in a while, so what? Let me explain something to you, Mr. "Clarence", if that's who you really are, I am an important man. A rich man. Richer than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I can have any woman I want. I can do whatever I want...."

"But, Phil, once I've been given my orders, I can't...."

"Have you ever felt the wrath of the Playaz, Clarence? I know you haven't because there isn't a man or beast that has been left alive to be able to tell about it! If you don't go back to where you came from...."

"I'm sorry, Phil, the decision has been made to teach you a lesson."

"Then I've made a decision of my own, Clarence. I've decided that you will wish you had never been born!"

"AAAHHHH!! Oh God!"

"God won't help you, now, Clarence! You're going to burn...along with the rest of this town."

"No! Stop! How is this possible? I'm already dead...I don't understand how can this be happ- "

"Eat lead, Clarence! Now to take care of unfinished business!"

"Happy New Year to you, Hammer! In Hell!"

"So long, movie house! So long, Emporium! So long, you &%$ old Building & Loan!"

"SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!"

"Well, Joseph, that didn't turn out as well as we hoped. What do we do with Clarence, now?"

"Didn't turn out well? It turned out great! We've finally gotten rid of that bumbling idiot. Send him to Hell."

"Yes, Joseph. Oh -- Merry Christmas, Joseph."

"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too."

Posted by Phil at 1:10 PM

December 13, 2009

"Give me my robe, Phil!"

"I've read about things like this, but I never...."

"Shame on you Phil Braun! I'm going to tell your mother on you!"

"Oh, my mother's way up on the corner over there."

"Then I'll call the police!"

"They're way downtown. They'd be on my side, too. Look, we're both already undressed, so.."

"Then, then, then I'm going to scream!"

"You better believe it!..."

(screeeecch!)
"Phil! Phil!Come on home.
Quick."

"Your blog! It had a stroke!"

"What?!"

"The comments went down suddenly, and nobody's reading it anymore!"

"Mary! Mary, I'm sorry.
I've got to go."

"Come on, Phil. Let's hurry!"

- Did you get tech support?
- Yes. The Geek Squad is there now.

(later)

"I think that's all we'll need you for, Phil, I know you're anxious to make your plane."

"Yes, I have a limosine waiting downstairs."

"I want the Board to know that Phil delayed his trip to Hedonism to help straighten
things out here these past few months."

"Good luck to you at Hedonism, Phil."

- Thanks.
- Good luck! So long!

"Now we come to the real purpose of this meeting...to appoint a successor
to our dear friend, Phil Braun"

"Mr. Chairman, I'd like to get to my real purpose."

- Wait just a minute now. Hammer!? How did you get on this board??
- How I got here isn't important! Besides it's well known the Playaz will do anything to make a buck! I bought my way on this board."

"Therefore, I claim this blog is no longer necessary to this town. So, Mr. Chairman, I make a motion to dissolve this blog immediately and turn its assets and liabilities over
to the receiver."

"Hammer, you dirty, contemptible..."

"I'll wring his neck, so help me, Phil..."

"....it's too soon after Don Knott's death to talk about chloroforming Playaz Ball.com."

"Don Knotts died years ago."

I second Mr. Hammer's motion.

"Very well. In that case, I'll ask the
five Playaz to withdraw."

"But before you go, I'm sure the whole Board wishes to express its deep sorrow. It was their faith and devotion that are responsible for this organization."

"I'll go further than that. I'll say that to the public, Phil Braun was the Playaz Ball blog."

"Oh, that's fine, Hammer, coming from you, considering that your crazy posts probably drove this blog to its grave!"

"This blog was not "mainstream". That's what killed it. Oh, I don't mean any disrespect God rest its soul. This was a blog of high ideals, so-called."

But ideals without catering to the lowest common denominator can ruin a blog. Now, you take this feature here, Larry Holmes..you know, that fellow that sits around all day on his brains in Easton, PA, former boxer you know.

"I happen to know that nobody under the age of 30 has ever heard of him, but he comes here and we're building an entire story line around him as a featured guest star of this blog."

- Why?
- Well, I handled that, Mr. Hammer.

You have all the papers there. His salary, insurance. I can personally vouch for his character.

- A friend of yours, Phil?
- Yes.

"You see, if you shoot pool with some washed up celebrity here, you can come and be a part of the blog."

"What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Phil Braun stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas."

- Now, I say...
- Just a minute. Just a...

Just a minute. Now, hold on, Hammer. You're right when you say we are no savvy bloggers. I know that. Why we ever started this cheap penny-ante website, I'll never know. But neither you nor anybody else can say anything against our character, because our whole life was..Why, in the twenty-five years since me and Uncle Guv'na, and Bon, and Tac and Wayne started this thing, we never once thought of you readers. Isn't that right, Uncle Guv'na? We didn't write to cater to you shiftless mouthbreathers, we did it for us!

But we did help a few people get out of their ruts, Mr. Hammer. And what's wrong with that? Why...here, you are all bloggers here. Who doesn't have a blog, these days?

Just remember this, Mr. Hammer, that this rabble you're talking about...they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, it is too much to have them work and pay and live and die with a half-way unique blog to read? Anyway, we didn't think so. People are the life-blood of the Playaz, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book, we'll die much richer men than you'll ever be."

"I'm not interested in your book Phil. I'm talking about Playaz Ball.com."

"I know very well what you're talking about. You're talking about something you can't get your fingers on, and it's galling you. That's what you're talking about, I know. Well, I, I, I've said too much. I... You're, you're the Board here. You do what you want with this thing. There's j-just one thing more though. This town needs this blog if only to have some place where people can come without crawling to the likes of Throwing Hammers!"

"Sentimental hogwash! I want my motion."

"Oh boy, that was telling him, Phil, old boy. You shut his big mouth. You should have heard him."

"What happened? We heard a lot of yelling."

Well, our blog is being shut down after five years."

"Easy come, easy go."

Here it is.
"Help wanted - Playa."

(limo driver): "You still want me hang around, Phil?"

"Yeah, I'll be right down."

"Hey, you'll miss your plane. You're a week late for Hedonism already. Go on."

- What's going on in there?
- Oh, never mind. Don't worry about that.

Phil!
Phil!
They voted Hammer down. They want to keep it going!"

- Whoopee!
- You did it, Phil, you did it.

"But they got one condition, only one condition."

- What's that?
- That's the best part of it. They've appointed Phil here to continue as Executive Secretary of the blog!

Oh, no! But, Guv'na...

"You can keep him on, Phil. That's all right. As Secretary you can hire anyone you like."

"Now let's get this thing straight. I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to Hedonism! I'm going to get naked and have sex with every woman I can get my hands on! This is my last chance. Uncle Guv'na here, he's your man."

"But, Phil, they'll give it to Hammer otherwise."

I know, I know, he didn't go.

That's right, Clarence. Not only that, but he gave his trip to Wayne, and sent him to Hedonism. Wayne set some kind of world record there.

Yeah, but what happened to Phil?

Phil got older, waiting for one of the other Playaz to take over the blog for him.

Posted by Phil at 11:08 AM

December 4, 2009

Phil is watching

Yesterday, I was dining at one of the local establishments when I noticed local radio personality Larry Wachs of the Regular Guys walk in for lunch.

I sent Larry an email notifying him that I took issue with the way he ate his potato chips. However, being a man who does not typically engage in conversation with local celebrities, I merely observed him instead of pointing out this flaw in person.

I was disappointed, however, that my email only created mockery and shenanigans from the crew, and my larger message of appropriate potato chip consumption did not seem to get through to Larry.

Listen to my email being discussed during the E-Mail Bucket segment on Rock 100's The Regular Guys Show. (my missive is about one-third of the way into the clip).

Phil emails the Regular Guys

Posted by Phil at 11:58 AM

December 2, 2009

Guv'na's Dream

The Guv'na relayed this dream that he had last night:

Guv'na dreamed he witnessed a mid-air plane collision.

It was extremely shocking and he immediately called Bon to tell him what he saw.

Upon hearing of the collision, Bon replied, "That's nothing. Jack Lambert is coming out of retirement."

Posted by Phil at 9:45 AM

November 16, 2009

Good things come in brown paper packages

I spied it from across the room. This envelope perched next to stacks of other forgettable mail....catalogs, bills, collection notices, etc....poised in such a way as to make me notice it. I had hoped it was my copy of the french classic, "Secretaries sans culottes", but no, this was something else. I recognized the return address. Yes, I had been to this place before.

But how did he get my address? Oh, yes. He's been in our mainframe computer. Damn him!

So what in the blue-blazes is it? Since it could certainly be nothing good (cash, narcotics, pornography) I was extremely fearful.

But on the other hand, I am not a very disciplined person, and was determined to find out what was inside.

My special gloves that I typically wear when producing crystal methamphetamine should do the trick.

Anthrax? Nah, too "2001" . He probably had the swine flu and coughed into the envelope before sealing and mailing his sickness straight to my door.

I figured I would run the mystery package through it's paces, subjecting it to lysol disinfectant, tossing it into ceiling fans then ducking, throwing it against a tree, allowing the neighbor dog to sniff it and see if it either dies or tucks its tail between its legs, and even microwaving it.

Ultimately, I decided only one thing to do. Open it.

"Hello! First off, please read the final Throwing Hammers blog post....."

The final Throwing Hammers blog post.....

It's over! The Playaz are victorious! We have outlasted the man. And look, he even signed his name! Probably not his real name...I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to know it was really me who was subjected to the humiliating defeat at the hands of Playaz Ball.

But, I am not without an honorable side. I am, after all, a "gentleman of leisure", and that includes the word "gentleman".

This blog was, for all its faults, not without merit. Often thoughtful (I could rarely understand most of it), often humorous, and very, very lyrical. Like a song, that went on...and on...and on.

I can't help feeling that this is not the last of us. That we will meet again someday.

However, my immediate danger has passed. And there appear to be some CDs enclosed....hmmm....perhaps this is my copy of "Secretaries without culottes", just very discreetly packaged. Either way, be sure and visit Throwing Hammers, if anything to gloat that it is no more. And these words enclosed will find their proper place.

Though I will not forget them. No, I feel I will not forget them.

Posted by Phil at 9:23 AM

November 5, 2009

Shocking discovery! Mysterious "wolf-man" turns out to be Kenny Rogers

In a surprising turn, the Playaz captured the mysterious "wolf-man" who had been lurking in the woods and savaging women who happened upon him, and discovered him to be none other than Kenny Rogers.

Tac was able to subdue the ravenous Rogers shortly after taking aim with his .38 and nearly putting a silver bullet in Kenny's abdomen. Fortunately, Tac suddenly recognized the hirsute country crooner before firing the shot and verified his identity.

Rogers explained that his voracious sexual appetite peaks right around Halloween and the month of October. At that time, Kenny takes on a transformation and feels compelled to take to the nearby woods, scavenging the countryside for wayward women before he pounces from the brush and makes savage love to them. All of his victims stated afterward that their act with Kenny was consensual, and 'wonderful'.

It was after his "capture" that Kenny suddenly transformed from full beard back to a simple goatee.

Kenny stated he will spend the remainder of the year performing a Christmas show in Branson, Missouri.

Posted by Phil at 10:05 PM

October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween! Beware, the mysterious "wolf-man"!

Beware!!!

Posted by Phil at 9:30 AM

October 29, 2009

"Wolf-man" strikes again; Playaz baffled

The notorious "wolf-man", who has been lurking about the nearby forest leapt at a woman once again this evening.

The Playaz have not been able to obtain a very clear description of this creature, and despite extensive searches, have come up empty as to the identity of the man-beast.

However, a recently savaged woman described the wolf-man as terrifying, yet slightly handsome. The night stalker is said to be wearing a blazer, or sport-coat, with the sleeves pushed up, revealing extremely hairy appendages. What areas of the creature that are not covered in hair are described as "tanned". The wolf-man also wears tight fitting trousers.

The search continues. The wolf-man is said to be attracted to women wearing sequined attire and heavy make-up, and if the woman has a particularly lovely singing voice, she is said to be more susceptible to attack.

Posted by Phil at 7:06 PM

October 28, 2009

Playaz investigate mysterious "wolf-man"

The Playaz are investigating reports of a mysterious creature that has been lurking in the foggy woods nearby.

An unknown beast, hirsute in nature, has not been clearly seen by any of its victims. Multiple women have been found savaged by the creature, their clothes torn away and often left in a state of breathless bewilderment, fright, and oddly, titillation.

The Playaz have issued a city-wide man hunt for this "wolf-man" in an effort to capture the creature. While no one knows its present whereabouts, it can often be heard growling out a strangely melodic sound that emanates from the darkened wood.

Posted by Phil at 9:43 PM

October 21, 2009

Why WWII was inevitable: A Debate

From the author of "Act II" comes this: a planned debate between students of one of the local elementary schools regarding the inevitability of World War II.

We are presenting to you exclusively the notes from the "inevitable" viewpoint of this highly anticipated debate.

Was World war inevitable?

Yes World war 2 was inevitable. Hitler could be like all of us normal sorry to ruin your dreams but none of you will be president. Intead Hitler had to be abnormal and try to rule the world. Hitler if you hear me you are not Julios Ceaser. Instead of lying that your not going to invade and then invade. You could have told the truth and said to Polands leader I will pay you $ 465,656,635,656 for Poland. Then no one would have to go to war and kill themselves and other people.

No comparrison

You will note the debator's use of comedy early in the debate. This will disarm his opponent, and will likely win over the audience as well.

Plus, I think the Hitler/"Julios" Caesar comparison makes it a slam dunk. You may email us your thoughts, but it's probably not necessary as you will agree with the "inevitable" argument put forth before you.

Posted by Phil at 3:20 PM

October 14, 2009

Playaz offering "sex delivery" service

In much the same way as one can order a pizza, the Playaz will be offering a "sex delivery" service to area women.

Now, a woman feeling the urge to sink her teeth into a Playa may call their designated hotline to place an order (The Playaz recommend the "three-meat" special), and the Playaz will arrive at her door in just half an hour or less.

Once the order is received, the alarm will sound and the Playa or Playaz ordered will immediately spring into action to prepare himself to get to you quickly. Brut 33 cologne is always onhand, and the Playaz carry with them special lubes and oils at all times. Speed is our specialty, and we are on the job in a moments notice.

With our specialized vehicle, the F#@&mobile, our sirens will clear away any traffic that will impede our ability to service you quickly. We want to arrive at your door piping hot, and slightly turgid.

Also, keep in mind the Playaz' promise to you: 10" or more, guaranteed, or your next one is free. So call today! What are you waiting for?

Posted by Phil at 10:27 AM

October 5, 2009

Fair photos, pt. II, and other bits of business

Due to popular demand, below are a few extra photos taken by me on my trip to the County Fair.

The posters outside the Freak Tent were fantastic, and I could have literally taken dozens of pictures of these.

Once inside, however, I discovered that 99% of what was being advertised on the artwork outside was nowhere to be found within the tent.

Pete, and Repete

I was "forbidden" to take photos once inside the tent, which is why I only snuck a photo of the preserved monkey in the previous post, and this display case. I think I could have done better if I tried harder, and regret not requesting a photograph of the woman who lorded over the exhibits, but I found myself wanting to get away from her within minutes of engaging her in conversation.

"I seeeeee yoooooooouuu....."

This clown taunted us twice as we walked by. Perched inside a cage with a microphone, this Gacy-like character would attempt to goad passers by into spending $5 to try and dunk him. On my second trip, I took a photo of him. "I see blondie's back for more! She must like men in make-up!" he shouted to my female companion, obviously trying to incite me. If she were in fact my wife, I might have challenged him.

If a fair arrives in your town, I highly suggest you go. People will question your sanity, but I promise you will enjoy it.

Several of you have asked about the comments section. Unfortunately this has been tricky to figure out and they are still down. Playaz Ball is hosted for free by the people who run the European Space Agency's servers and websites. We should have known better than to go with someone other than American, but we have made our bed, and until they fix it we'll have to wait. Then, we'll fire them.

Posted by Phil at 7:46 PM

September 28, 2009

Phil goes to the fair

When there's a smell of fried dough, body odor, and hint of manure in the air, you know the County Fair is in town, and that's exactly where I was Friday night.

The Fair delights both the old and the young, the gangley and the obese. Cars lined the parking lot painted in colors that can only be associated with neon signage, the type that is typically seen in a tattoo parlor. And there's a strong possibility that said parlors are frequented by the car's owners.

Actual exchange overheard: "Any questions?" "Yeah...can y' eat that?"

The County Fair is something of an annual tradition in my family, it seems. For years my father brought me to the fair, to inspect the local livestock on display, to see the largest squash, and to partake in an almost ritualistic haggling with the carnies who insisted their game was one that "anyone could win".

The ride may cost 3 tickets, but it may also cost 3 of your fingers..

You see, my father was banned from all State and County fairs in the state of Indiana. He became adept at beating one particular game where one must toss a softball into a vertically hanging basket. He cleaned them out of their prizes, and was instructed to leave and never return.

Now that I am older, my own family has become indoctrinated into the world of carnies, freaks, pageants, and hastily constructed roller coasters that provide more thrills when you live to tell about the ride than the ride itself.

Of course, my favorite thing at the Fair is the freaks. I've seen snake women, drug-addled teenagers (even more addled than the actual teens in attendance, so much so that they had to be caged), and the world's largest rat (which strongly resembled a beaver).

This year started out as a bit of a let down. There appeared to be no humans on display - just shoddily preserved animal carcasses and "stuffed" replicas of freaks who were no more.

There was a cow with two noses and a depressed little pony who stood in a corner and stared at the tent wall.

There was, however, a woman who had pointed ears that approached us (imagine Mr. Spock's ears, except not prosthetic...it was apparent that she somehow had them clipped, like a Doberman). I asked her what the giant "corpse" inside a plexi-glass box was. She went on some rambling explanation that it was a female once known as "Giganticus", who stood 8 feet tall and lived some 4,400 years ago (which makes sense such a relic would have been placed in the custody of the local county fair). After her recital, I determined that she either had some mental deficiencies, or was possibly drunk on the lighter fluid she had been swallowing over the course of the evening while she "ate fire".

It's the experience that makes it all worth while. You never truly know what you're going to get when you visit the Fair. But you can be assured you'll leave with a lifetime of memories.

"Leon Jacobs, Jr?...Hell, we GOT t' stay for this!...

*Comments are still inoperable. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Posted by Phil at 12:04 PM

September 14, 2009

Playaz incensed Kanye West ruined another classy event during MTV Video Music Awards

The Playaz were still livid following Kanye West's interruption of country music star Taylor Swift's acceptance speech during the always classy and dignified MTV Video Music Awards ceremony.

What was otherwise a delightful evening of refrained, sober reflection of the year's most outstanding Music Videos was ruined once again by the flagrant attempt of the rapper West to shock the music patrons in attendance.

As Miss Swift accepted her award for Best Music Video from the Playaz, West stepped in to take the microphone away, acting in a most unprofessional manner and making a pretentious exhibition over who he believed the rightful recipient of the award should be.

This selfish act interrupted a carefully pre-planned make-out session where Madonna was to appear on stage, rip off the dress of Swift and being to make out with her and the Playaz. By ruining the highlight of the evening's ceremonies, West prevented the staged event from taking place.

West then received a completely unplanned and impromptu beating at the hands of the Playaz backstage.

"We've had enough of Kanye West's shenanigans and sullying the reverent, orderly, and classy show that MTV awards shows are always known for," said the Playaz.

*comments are currently experiencing technical difficulties - Phil

Posted by Phil at 9:59 PM

September 8, 2009

Playaz air episode of "Hee-Haw" for Georgia school children instead of Obama speech

The Playaz, who own a majority of the broadcasting stations in Georgia, opted to air an episode of the classic comedy variety show "Hee-Haw" instead of President Obama's planned speech to the nation's school children.

Georgia area students sat quietly as they prepared for a raucous, uproariously good time from the Kornfield County gang while many other school children were forced to watch a boring speech by a man in a suit saying words that nobody cares about or understands.

The kids were enthralled by such skits as "The Cornfield Jokes", "Pickin' and-a' Grinnin'", "The Naggers" (Gordi Tapp and Roni Stoneman), and were especially excited when they shouted "What's for supper?!" at Grandpa Jones.

Musical numbers by the late Hager Twins and the Hee-Haw Gospel Quartet were included.

"We felt the children learned a great deal today. For example, the sketch involving Junior Samples and Roy Clark as grade-school students, with Minnie Pearl as their befuddled teacher, gave the students an idea of what classroom learning is all about," the Playaz said.

Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM

September 4, 2009

Playaz unveil "flu-fashion" for upcoming season

The Playaz unveiled their latest fashion design in Barcelona this week - a modified turtleneck that will help you stave off the swine flu.

This daring design is both versatile and stylish. The turtleneck, which has long been a staple of the Playaz' wardrobe, can be easily transitioned into a germ-filtering "mask" to help keep the wearer free from illness.

"We have long touted the many benefits of the turtleneck," Bon stated at the show. "We wear it like this around 99% of the people we encounter regardless of the season. We don't want to be breathing their garbage breath anyway, so encouraging others to follow our fashion lead will also help prevent the spread of the swine flu. At least until I am able to kill every swine."

Posted by Phil at 10:33 AM

August 30, 2009

Panty Raid involving Playaz at California college erupts in violence

A recent "panty raid" involving the Playaz was marred by violence at the University of California recently, resulting in several arrests to go along with multiple stolen undergarments and man-handled coeds.

In what has become a yearly tradition, the Playaz select a University to descend upon where they demand the panties of the campuses' female students.

Generally a peaceful ritual, sororities and women's dormitories unlock their doors to await the Playaz arrival, allowing them full access to their 'unmentionables' and often granting other "favors" to the Playaz.

This year, however, it was reported that violence broke out between the Playaz, student body, and staff members of the University. It is unknown exactly how the mayhem started. Some reports say the Playaz were dissatisfied with the offerings given to them. Others say some boyfriends were upset that the Playaz' seemed to take too many liberties with their women. One sorority house was severely damaged.

Whatever the reason, the spree left hundreds of women pantyless, or in some cases found wandering nude around the campus. Onlookers described the frenzy that preceded, saying it sent the women into "convulsions" and "hysteria".

None of the complaints filed were from the women of the Berkeley school and stated they would welcome the Playaz back the following year.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 PM

August 18, 2009

Playaz embark on magical journey tomorrow to Playaz Ball

Tomorrow we leave to our mystical Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, where we are delighted by the sights, the sounds, and the smells of Playaz Ball.

We will try and update during the week. You may also follow us at Twitter tomorrow, where we will "tweet" while we tweak on our trip.

www.twitter.com/playazball

Posted by Phil at 4:24 PM

August 15, 2009

Seducing Seka, Pt. 2

In a continuation of "Seducing Seka, Pt. 1", Tac mixes sexual innuendo with ultimate fighting jargon in his attempt to seduce the famous 70's porn actress.

Posted by Phil at 9:51 PM

August 11, 2009

Congress asks Playaz to step in on health care debate

Members of U.S. Congress have summoned the Playaz to help solve the national health care debate that has been ongoing and in recent weeks became quite contentious.

Congress would like to ask the Playaz' opinions about reform. The Playaz' stance on healthcare has been seen as quite a radical shift from normal standards to which most Americans are accustomed.

For example, several years ago, the Playaz completely revamped the Food Pyramid, separating from the customary fruits and vegetables, and replacing them with items like "cheetos" and "doughnuts". In the Playaz' healthcare system, the Playaz would propose government subsidized doughnuts, at the low, low cost of $1 per dozen to all Americans.

The Playaz have also been renowned for their work in heavy narcotics. They have cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with their discovery of "comet dust" (and, sadly, murdered Don Knotts with the same). The Playaz would instantly legalize all drugs under a playa-controlled system.

Also, the Playaz own Dr. Tac would administer free breast exams.

The Playaz are expected to appear before Congress to settle the debate by either rational discussion, or with guns.

Posted by Phil at 10:58 AM

August 7, 2009

Should I sue these persons? (it's a rhetorical question)

First, see the real "Manpoo"

Then, go watch these abhorations and insults to mine and RCR's creative abilities.

Then there's this

Wayne, check the bank accounts of their parents immediately.

Posted by Phil at 9:49 AM

August 3, 2009

Playaz turn in Willy Wonka to FDA for health code violations

Famous chocolatier William "Willy" Wonka was incarcerated for multiple health code violations discovered by the Playaz, who promptly turned him over to the FDA. It is also expected that Wonka will be charged with the murder of up to five people.

Wonka, posing in front of a river once believed to be made of chocolate. The FDA confirmed it to be nothing more than raw sewage.

The Playaz raided Wonka's chocolate factory and made many disturbing discoveries. A "river of chocolate" that flows through the factory was actually composed of liquid feces, where an overweight german child died immediately after attempting to consume what he thought was chocolate before falling into the veritable sewer.

The factory was also teeming with a disturbing species of orange-skinned "oompa loompas", deemed "pests" by the Playaz and quickly exterminated.

Wonka had long been famous for his quote "invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple." The Playaz were quoted as saying the factory was "more like 53% perspiration, 46% fecal matter, 4% pubic hair, and 2% semen." The Food and Drug Administration determined these findings to be true.

Phil points out the enormous amount of 'greenish' pubic hair on the floor of Wonka's factory.

More 'oompa-loompas', dumping out what is believed to be semen inside the factory.

The eccentric candy maker had recently opened his factory to five lucky children, three of whom died (the aforementioned german, one girl who died of severe allergic reaction, another who was incinerated, and an English boy Charlie, who was killed instantly along with his grandfather when an elevator crashed through a glass ceiling), and one who was shrunk and his whereabouts unknown.

Wonka, seen here being led out in handcuffs for multiple health violations with murder charges pending.

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM

July 30, 2009

Dream interpreters welcome

I had a strange dream last night. Usually my dreams revolve around subjects typical of a dream (I am pantless, or flying, or falling, or toothless, or having sex...all of which are a part of my everyday life) - but it's as if this one was trying to tell me something. It was rife with symbolism, but I can't figure it out. Not to get all "Hammer" on you, but I figured I'd post it and see if any of you could make sense of it (this is a real dream, by the way):

I am at my grandmother's house. There are various people around - some family members, some people I don't know. We are loading two trucks with furniture...not my grandmother's furniture, but furniture belonging to an elderly couple who I feel like I know, but I can't identify them in my dream. Each truck has identical furniture in the back, topped with two identical rocking chairs (the chairs closely resemble a rocking chair I had that belonged to my long-deceased great grandmother).

Before the trucks leave, the old couple asks to remove the rocking chairs, so they can sit in them, somewhat "ceremoniously", as if it were the last time. The people gather around and applaud when the couple sit in their respective chairs.

Then, my grandmother emerges from the back of the house. Presently, my grandmother is in a nursing home battling dementia, a shell of her former self. In my dream, she is fully restored to the last time I knew her before she became ill. Healthy and fully aware of her surroundings. My mother and father are there as well. My mother continually tries to turn my grandmother away from my father while we are talking, as if to prevent her from seeing him (my father has alzheimer's). Then, my grandmother wants to dance with me.

All the while, a black bird has been stuck in a screen door. It's beak is caught, punctured through the screen. From a distance, it is not a very attractive bird and no one pays much attention to it. Finally, I approach the bird. Up close, it has red and yellow color around it's wings, and under it's beak. It's apparent the bird is severely injured. The netting on the screen has wrapped around it's beak. I try to get it to pull away, thinking it will free itself if given a nudge backward. However, each time it moves, the screen netting acts as a snare, tightening around the birds beak. You can see it has begun to cut into the bird and has created a nasty wound.

The bird begins to speak in my daughter's voice. It cries that it's nose and ears are in great pain. As I try to figure a way to free the bird, I wake up.

Posted by Phil at 12:14 PM

July 20, 2009

Bon arrives in Rome, Italy following G-8 to make special announcement

Bon was greeted by Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as he stepped off the Playaz private Gulfstream jet in Rome yesterday as he was prepared to announce that Playaz Ball 2009 was set for one month from today.

Bon, Berlusconi, and Cmdr. Kenny Rogers salute as the Playaz' flag is raised to the tune of AC/DC's "Anything Goes"

World leaders remained in Rome following the G-8 Summit in anticipation of the announcement, and in hopes of garnering an invitation from the notorious party-masters to this years' grand Ball.

"Knowing glances" are exchanged as various leaders find out if they are invited to PB '09 or not

Pope Benendict was spotted with a broken hand after it was reported he had punched through a wall in the Vatican upon learning he would not be invited back to this years' Playaz Ball.

Bon was expected to take in the sites of Rome for the week. He then commented to Prime Minister Berlusconi that he had a craving for some authentic Italian cuisine and where the nearest Pizza Hut could be located.

President Obama immediately flew back to Washington D.C. once the announcement that Playaz Ball '09 was to occur on August 19-23 this year and signed it into law. The announcement overshadowed the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing.

Edit 7/23: See why Silvio garnered an invite to PB '09

Posted by Phil at 12:24 PM

July 14, 2009

Guest Post: Playaz' "class up" new blog "Displaced in DC" with topical, cultural thoughts

New blogger Displaced in DC offered a guest post to the first commenter on one of his postings, without any restrictions on topic and without censorship. That first commenter was me.

So please go over and visit Displaced in DC for a subject that will cause you to search your soul for answers to a question that has plagued man (or more specifically, the Guv'na and myself) for many years.

Posted by Phil at 1:11 PM

July 13, 2009

Announcement coming soon...

Obama & Sarkozy seen checking out, procuring women for upcoming Playaz Ball '09. Stay tuned...

Posted by Phil at 9:21 AM

July 10, 2009

A week of reflection

After the events of the past couple of weeks, what with the "Celebrity Flu" going around, and all the deaths, etc., I am reminded to update our "Hell List". Michael Jackson, Karl Malden, and Billy Mays are most certainly now residing in Hades (Farrah Fawcett, of course, is in heaven and will be reunited with "Cannonball Run" cast-mate Dom DeLuise where they will wait for Burt Reynolds to die).

It also reminds me of our previous experience with celebrity funerals.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 10:29 AM

July 4, 2009

"Huff Night" excerpts from Playaz Ball 2007

More never-before-seen video from 2007, where Phil and Bon briefly discuss Wayne's mysterious disappearance just prior to "Huff Night", a Playaz Ball tradition.

Posted by Phil at 9:50 PM

June 30, 2009

Candid Michael Jackson photos obtained by Playaz Ball

Some candid photographs of the late Michael Jackson show the deceased pop star in a more informal setting, showing Jackson dressed up as "Bon" at a Halloween / costume party. It is unknown when the photos were taken.

Obtained exclusively by Playaz Ball!

Posted by Phil at 4:44 PM

June 26, 2009

Playaz quarantine selves until "Celebrity Flu" disappears

The Playaz, fearing that they may contract what they believe is a newly formed strain of flu that targets and kills celebrities, have closed themselves away in a quarantine-capsule that was previously only used upon the Playaz' annual return from Playaz Ball.

The Playaz seen here in quarantine following Playaz Ball 2006, will once again seal themselves in the capsule until the unknown virus killing celebrities has passed

This "Celebrity Flu", as the Playaz have dubbed it, has taken the lives of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. It was also reported that Jeff Goldblum believed he had caught the celebrity flu and cast himself off a cliff in New Zealand to avoid the horrible symptoms prior to death.

Origins of the Celebrity Flu remain unknown to the Playaz, although Bon suggests it may come from geese.

The Playaz will remain quarantined unti the Celebrity Flu passes.

Posted by Phil at 2:09 PM

June 24, 2009

South Carolina Governor discovered with Playaz in Argentina

Missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford recently re-surfaced after a frantic search from his staff and family traced him to Atlanta, and then discovered the governor had then flown to Argentina with the Playaz.

Wanting to "get a taste of Playaz Ball", the governor drove down to Atlanta to meet the Playaz because he needed to "blow off some steam" following a recent legislative session in South Carolina. The Playaz recommended the Governor not notify his family of such a trip.

The Playaz suggested they fly on their private jet to a place "even more f---ed up than Tijuana" and wound up in various Buenos Aires night clubs and raves.

Sanford, seen here doing "the robot" at a rave with the Playaz in Buenos Aires

The Governor reportedly reported having a "terrific 3 days" of mind-altering drugs, anonymous sex with multiple women, and a tetanus and penicillin shot before returning home several days later.

Posted by Phil at 10:37 AM

June 21, 2009

The Seduction of Seka, Pt. 1

Never before seen footage from Playaz Ball 2007, the Playaz become aroused after stumbling across 70s & 80s porn actress Seka's website. Unbeknownst to each other, the Playaz leave multiple seductive phone messages to Seka (inspired by their mentors in the art of the seductive voice mail, Kenny Rogers and Pat O'Brien).

Posted by Phil at 3:58 PM

June 18, 2009

Video guide to dating

The Playaz' felt like this instructional video would be helpful to our readers.

Posted by Phil at 9:40 AM

June 12, 2009

Shoot your enemies with only the best: The Conway Twitty Tribute Pistol

It's the handgun you've all been waiting for. No more will you have to wonder if the person you just shot was "less than impressed" with your pistol of choice. Now, they will know they were shot by the best! The Conway Twitty Tribute Pistol:

The advertisement is a bit hard to read in this limited space, so here are a few excerpts:

• Craftsmen commissioned specifically for this project by America Remembers decorate each working Colt .45 pistol in sparkling 24 karat gold artwork with blackened painted highlights. In magnificent detail, this handsome tribute pistol honors the man, the music, and the legend that is Conway Twitty.
• Left side features a pair of detailed portraits from two very different times in Conway's career. The portrait on the left shows the singer-songwriter at the peak of his career. The portrait on the right shows the young musician in his U.S. Army uniform and strumming his guitar. All artwork is featured in sparkling 24-karat gold.
• Right side features three portraits of Conway. The image on the far left shows the singer in a relaxed pose studying the grounds of his beloved Twitty City. The center portrait shows a classic pose of Conway. On the right is a portrait of Conway in his early days. Between the portraits is Twitty's signature plated in 24-karat gold.....

Order yours today, so next time you can say "Goodbye, Darlin'" before putting the classiest bullet you'll ever shoot into your worst enemy.

Posted by Phil at 12:48 PM

June 7, 2009

Playaz Storytellers

From Playaz Ball 2006, the video attached is a behind-the-scenes look at the infamous photo of the Guv'na and his two favorite books: The Holy Bible and People Magazine.

In the background, you hear Tac's disapproval.

Posted by Phil at 4:49 PM

June 1, 2009

Playaz-themed laser show to headline summer at Stone Mountain

The popular Atlanta attraction, The Lasershow Spectacular at Stone Mountain, has announced that the Playaz have signed on to lend their images and adventures to the summer show, bringing the Playaz to life on the mountain in a dazzling light display.

In addition to a show that features traditional local heroes such as Kenny Rogers and Burt Reynolds and favorite tunes such as Elvis Presley's "American Trilogy", Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA", and Pink's "Get the Party Started" (click link for sample), the show will now pay special tribute to the Playaz. Highlights will include the Playaz' space travel, renditions of their epic gun battles with local authorities, as well as special effects-laden erotic escapades depicted by state-of-the-art lasers!

Patrons are encouraged to enjoy a night under the stars at Stone Mountain while they are dazzled by the Playaz lasershow that will titillate the senses. Adults are encouraged to restrict lovemaking resulting from viewing the show to their own blanket per Park Safety regulations.

Posted by Phil at 3:31 PM

May 27, 2009

DC Cookie & baby gamble away future together

DC Cookie was so kind as to send photos of her and baby Jack playing the Kenny Rogers Slot Machine (Playaz' patent pending) over the weekend.

Little did Cookie know, the "The Gambler" never pays out. For inside the housing is the Guv'na, collecting all the coins that used to be baby Jack's college tuition.

Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM

May 14, 2009

Scientists discover "cocaine haze" over cities recently visited by Playaz

Following a recent jaunt to Barcelona, Spain, scientists recently discovered that the Playaz will leave behind a "cocaine haze" that saturates the air above and around the city.

The Playaz' jet seen leaving Barcelona, Spain

The study was conducted after it was noted that immediately after the Playaz' departure from the Spain that their Gross Domestic Product instantly rose 500%, and that the city's inhabitants began working extremely hard, some for up to 48 hours consecutively without sleep or rest. Government officials were baffled, and after ordering a series of tests, scientists discovered that "up to 5 drugs" were laced among the air particles hovering around the city that must have been left behind by the Playaz, including cocaine and comet dust.

Scientists further noted that the Playaz themselves carry around this "cloud" of drugs, similar to the character "Pig Pen" in the Peanuts comic strip.

Reports stated that after the Playaz left, citizens of the towns the Playaz visited became "model thin", and never felt better in their entire lives.

Posted by Phil at 3:56 PM

April 30, 2009

Time keeps on trippin'

Feeling light-headed and hallucinogenic today. No, not because of swine flu, but because of LSD.

It has caused me to travel back in time to blogs past....check this one out.....this post made me realize something...that we are still better than the rest of you.

...Better than the rest of yooouuu...

Posted by Phil at 10:11 AM

April 22, 2009

Bon returns from pleasant trip in Wellington, Florida

Bon returned home recently after what he reports as a "very relaxing" getaway to Wellington, Florida.

The Florida village is located in Palm Beach County, where Bon reportedly visited friend and Wellington resident Vanilla Ice.

Bon stated that other than bit of a 'horse problem', the area is quite a nice place to visit.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM

April 6, 2009

Because it is written

The five year anniversary of the beginning of the Playaz Ball blog is fast approaching, and with that, the Playaz' own five-year plan has come to fruition.

When we figured out the workings of teh internets, it was said then that in five years' time a babe will be borne out of the west, and he will bear the Playaz mark. For he will be the next generation. And he will grow in stature and in mustache, and will be revered by many.

That day has come.

Please allow me to introduce you to 'Jack', the firstborn son of the blogger-formerly-known-as-DC Cookie:

He is but one of the future race of Playaz, and he will not be the last. No, there will be others....

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM

April 2, 2009

Take the quiz! Which Playa are you?

Take the quiz below and find out which of the Playaz you are most like:

1) What style mustache do you have?

A. Like Adolf Hitler's
B. "The Chevron"
C. Spaghetti/Handlebar
D. The "Painter's Brush"
E. "The John Oates"

2) My hair can be best compared to:

A. Bob Ross
B. Richard Petty
C. Val Kilmer
D. Tom Selleck
E. Billy Ray Cyrus

3) My feeling towards animals is:

A. All are vile creatures and should be put to death
B. I will tolerate the existence of some animals, for monetary purposes
C. Only animals who wear funny clothes and can smoke should be allowed to live among us
D. I have no legal position on the matter
E. They are tasty

4) If I found a bag containing one million dollars, and there was no evidence as to who it belonged to, I would:

A. Keep the money
B. Keep the money
C. Keep the money
D. Notify the police that if someone claims they have lost a bag of money, I have no idea where it might be.
E. Keep the money

5) If I'm buying a steak dinner (other than at 'Kenny & Bon's'), I would definitely go to:

A. Western Sizzlin
B. Golden Corral
C. Cracker Barrel
D. Ryan's Steakhouse
E. Steak Out!

6) Where do you "meaure" from?

A. From the base to the tip
B. From "back there"
C. Using the metric system
D. Using the approved measuring standards as set forth by Drs. Holmes and Dong-Silver.
E. From wherever I want

7) A goose, a deer, and a beaver are in your yard. What is the order of execution?

A. All at once, with some kind of improvised explosive device
B. Goose, deer, beaver
C. Beaver, goose, deer
D. Deer, beaver, goose
E. Each are given a weapon and forced to fight each other to the death

Now, it's time to tally your scores! Give yourself 1 pt for every "A" answer, 2 pts for every "B" answer, 3 pts. for every "C", 4 pts. for every "D", and 5 pts. for every "E".

Then tally the total number of points, and see which Playa you are!

7-12 pts.

You are Bon! You are dangerous and unpredictable. You have an insanely large afro and a taste for heavy narcotics.

13-18 pts.

You are Phil! You are a natural born leader, slightly overweight, and a bit careless with the amount of power you weild.

19-24 pts.

You are The Guv'na! Pop some quaaludes, curl up in your favorite mink coat with a Penthouse Forum, and you are satisfied!

25-30 pts.

You are Wayne! You are as handsome as you are swarthy. You have a mind for getting into and out of trouble. No one matches your penchant for getting into situations you will not be able to be held accountable for later.

31-35 pts.

You are Tac! You love a good old fashioned fist fight, with a slight mix of gun-play. You are also quite a lover and can do it in many different positions, some which defy the laws of physics.

Phil's note: This is my last post for a week or so. I will be going out of town for a while due to some extenuating circumstances. See you when I see you.

Posted by Phil at 11:25 AM

March 29, 2009

Tac ventriloquism album to be released

The follow up to Tac's platinum-selling comedy album "Harry & Tac" is scheduled to hit stores this Tuesday.

"Harry & Tac Live" features the live ventriloquism act featuring Tac and his hilarious partner Harry, with all of their classic bits, such as:

"That ain't right"
"The problem with heroin"
"I'll tell you who don't wear panties"
"Five minutes of awkward silence"
"Harry phones a prostitute"
"Squirrels in the recipe"
"You are making me sick"
"Harry's list of personal grievances" (20 minutes of new grievances added to the live performance!)

...and much, much more!

The album will be available at all Stuckey's restaurant/convenience store locations.

Posted by Phil at 8:00 PM

March 20, 2009

Misunderstanding the Playaz

Based on a suggestion by Playaz-follower/part-time enemy "Matt", I have attempted to scour the Playa Internets for a sampling of comments we receive from time to time from people who just don't fully grasp the "playa-way".

The request came from a comment made by another "Matt" in the recent post below:

"Playaz advise Obama on when to pull out of Iraq"

While it is too difficult to cull through the literally thousands of comments over the last 4 years, here are a few (see the comments of each linked post):

My reference to Matt that not all of the Playaz suggestions are well received

"Suzi" takes dogfighting a step further by suggesting the Playaz go to Iraq - what's the connection, you ask? I still don't know.

One commenter makes the absurd suggestion that Barbaro has made more money than us!

A young girl is doing her school research on Playazball.com for a paper she's writing .

This is more of an example of an email we might receive, from the delightful "Jeffs".

And perhaps the greatest comments thread on Playaz Ball to date, "United States of America, Greatest Country On Earth", which still receives comments almost three years later.

New! (3/25)

Found this one today - see "Gene Maxwell's" comments disparaging Phil Niekro's competitive spirit.

Posted by Phil at 3:41 PM

March 11, 2009

Playaz advise Obama on when to pull out of Iraq

The Playaz advised President Obama recently that he must carefully weigh the precise moment to pull out of Iraq.

The majority of the Playaz felt strongly that if the U.S. did not pull out "in the nick of time", as they put it, the results could be disastrous.

"We feel that it is important for the President to time this just right. You don't want to wait too long to pull out. You also don't want to pull out too soon, because next thing you know, you'll be right back in again, and it will be like starting all over," Phil was quoted as saying.

While a U.S. pull out would be quite messy and could require a great deal of "clean-up" from the after effects of exiting Iraq, the alternative could mean much, much worse.

"Not pulling out at the right time, staying in too long will only make things more complicated. Can Iraq assure us adequate protection? We don't believe so, and feel they can't be trusted. Plus, we don't want to be receiving late night phone calls from Iraq two months later, all sobbing and what-not, claiming we have to become "engaged" to their future plans and help bring up their children, fund their schooling, provide them with food, medicine, all that crap. It's not like they belong to us! We simply prefer they refer to us as "Uncle Sam", and leave it at that," the Playaz added. "So it is imperative that the President fully understand the importance of pulling out sooner than later."

"Iraq has also been complaining to us for many months now that they have been experiencing pain and burning sensations from our missiles. But that is not from us. That's something they got from the Kurds, or Iran," said the Playaz.

Posted by Phil at 3:20 PM

March 2, 2009

Tension builds as Playaz do the math following 'octuplet' birth: "Someone got extra turn"

The tension was palpable as the Playaz gazed upon their handywork as they began to count up the babies now famously known as the "octuplets" that were born to Nadya Suleman.

Slowly the realization fell upon the Playaz: some of the Playaz got an extra turn.

Contrary to news reports, Suleman became impregnated after a wild evening at the Playaz' mansion that involved all of the Playaz. It is widely known that the Playaz' seed is so potent that they can induce multiple pregnancies with the same woman, although it remained unclear which of the Playaz took an extra turn or turns.

After the Playaz tradition of viewing the newborns before returning to their normal lives as if they never existed, the Playaz dined quietly at a nearby Red Lobster.

"No one would confess that they had an extra turn," Phil stated afterward. "It certainly wasn't me."

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM

February 25, 2009

Bon introduces bill before Congress; urges government to handle this "Travis" situation

Bon introduced and passed a bill before Congress "prohibiting the transport of monkeys across interstate lines for purposes of selling them as pets", and is now urging the Senate to vote in favor of the bill.

Bon also lauded the chimp's owner, Sandra Herold, and gave her a commendation for "stabbing and bludgeoning" Travis during the attack of her friend.

However, the Guv'na spoke recently saying he had only good experiences with Travis. Guv'na noted Travis's appearances on the "Maury Povich Show", and his tastes in steak, lobster, fine wines, and a rampant Xanax addiction.

Bon urged the Senate to set aside issues of the economy and war to deal with this ape situation right away.

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM

February 16, 2009

Bon fools gullible koala into drinking cyanide-laced beverage

Bon killed yet another creature recently after approaching a distressed koala bear and administering a deadly poisonous concoction to the unsuspecting marsupial.

"It was quite simple, really," said Bon. "I imagine the koala had heard about another one of it's kind being given a drink of water by a kindly stranger amidst a forest fire, and was easily fooled into thinking I'd do the same. I mean, this stupid animal never saw it coming," he added.

The koala dropped dead within seconds of swallowing the cyanide-laced drink Bon gave to the cuddly looking vegetarian.

"Like taking candy from a baby," said Bon.

Posted by Phil at 3:38 PM

February 6, 2009

Jokes

Q: How many Playaz does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The playaz have servants who do that for them.

------

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
"Phil".
"Phil" who?
Phil Braun, that's who.

------

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: A deceased prostitute.

-------

A man walks into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is you have 24 hours to live." The man says, "what's the bad news?!" The doctor says "your wife was in a terrible car accident and has third degree burns over 90% of her body."

-----

There's a priest, a minister and the Playaz. They're out playing golf and they're trying to decide how much to give to charity.

So the priest says, we'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity.

The minister says "no", we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and whatever lands outside, that's what we give to charity.

The Playaz say "no, no, no", and they take the money and walk off the course.

-----

A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him a beer and says "that'll be $2.50". The leprechaun puts two dollar bills down on the bar and walks off. The bartender shoots the leprechaun in the back of the head.

Posted by Phil at 8:16 AM

January 27, 2009

11% of Americans report having been stalked by Playaz

In a survey conducted recently by the U.S. Justice Department, an astounding 11%, or roughly 3.4 million Americans report to have been stalked by at least one of the Playaz at some point. Even more astonishing is the fact that these stalkings lasted on average for a five-year period.

"When you consider the average stalker, five weeks is an incredibly long time to be affecting a person's life," said Mary Lou Leary, a former federal prosecutor. "Five years is incredible. It really demonstrates the Playaz' persistence," she added.

While the Playaz typically become observant or infatuated with a particular person, rarely does the Playaz stalking result in any criminal activity.

"They may trespass on occassion, or root around in my garbage from time to time, but primarily it is just a constant stream of phone calls, letters, gifts," said one particularly attractive female who wished to remain anonymous but reported to be one of the Playaz millions subjected to their stalking. "In the end, I just went ahead and 'did it' with them - their persistence was driving me crazy."

The Bureau of Justice Statistics survey reported that 99.9% of the people knew it was the Playaz stalking them.

"The Playaz never give up. It is their motto, and a credit to their ingenuity and diligence in their work," Justice report co-author Katrina Baum stated. "In fact, I can see Tac outside right now. Hi, Tac!"

Posted by Phil at 3:20 PM

January 19, 2009

Mark Trail, the conclusion

Posted by Phil at 10:07 AM

January 16, 2009

Mark Trail #5

Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM

January 15, 2009

Mark Trail #4

Posted by Phil at 9:27 AM

January 13, 2009

Mark Trail #3

Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM

January 9, 2009

Mark Trail #2

Posted by Phil at 9:57 AM

January 5, 2009

Clintons resuscitate Wayne in Times Square tradition

Bill and Hillary Clinton participated in what has become a New Year's tradition when they resuscitated Wayne from unconsciousness in the heart of Times Square .

The former President and his wife, current New York Senator and expected to be newly appointed Secretary of State, along with New York Mayor Bloomberg performed CPR on Wayne just minutes before midnight among a throng of hundreds of thousands of celebrants ringing in the New Year.

Each year in Times Square, inevitably one of the Playaz is subjected to some form of heart stoppage due to excessive celebration. After several years of this, the mayor decided to invite a special guest each year to revive the Playa who stops breathing.

Wayne had what was believed to be a massive heart attack around 11:58 p.m., at which point the Clintons began chest compressions and alternating breathing air into Wayne's lungs, while the mayor listened for the expected heartbeat.

"5!! 4!! 3!! 2!! 1!!" the crowd shouted, counting pumps along with the Clintons. "5!! 4!! 3!! 2!! 1!!" they repeated until finally Wayne came to, amidst roaring cheers. "Happy New Year!" Wayne shouted, as he resumed his drinking and comet dust ingestion.

(Mark Trail continues his story later this week!)

Posted by Phil at 10:29 AM

December 31, 2008

Mark Trail

Posted by Phil at 10:27 AM

December 4, 2008

Bible Stories

This is perhaps the Playaz favorite of all Bible stories*

Genesis 34
Revenge against Shechem

1 One day Dinah, the daughter of Jacob and Leah, went to visit some of
the young women who lived in the area. 2 But when the local prince, Shechem
son of Hamor the Hivite, saw Dinah, he seized her and raped her. 3 But then
he fell in love with her, and he tried to win her affection with tender
words. 4 He said to his father, Hamor, "Get me this young girl. I want to
marry her."

5 Soon Jacob heard that Shechem had defiled his daughter, Dinah. But
since his sons were out in the fields herding his livestock, he said nothing
until they returned. 6 Hamor, Shechem's father, came to discuss the matter
with Jacob. 7 Meanwhile, Jacob's sons had come in from the field as soon as
they heard what had happened. They were shocked and furious that their
sister had been raped. Shechem had done a disgraceful thing against Jacob's
family,[a] something that should never be done.

8 Hamor tried to speak with Jacob and his sons. "My son Shechem is truly
in love with your daughter," he said. "Please let him marry her. 9 In fact,
let's arrange other marriages, too. You give us your daughters for our sons,
and we will give you our daughters for your sons. 10 And you may live among
us; the land is open to you! Settle here and trade with us. And feel free to
buy property in the area."

11 Then Shechem himself spoke to Dinah's father and brothers. "Please be
kind to me, and let me marry her," he begged. "I will give you whatever you
ask. 12 No matter what dowry or gift you demand, I will gladly pay it-just
give me the girl as my wife."

13 But since Shechem had defiled their sister, Dinah, Jacob's sons
responded deceitfully to Shechem and his father, Hamor. 14 They said to
them, "We couldn't possibly allow this, because you're not circumcised. It
would be a disgrace for our sister to marry a man like you! 15 But here is a
solution. If every man among you will be circumcised like we are, 16 then we
will give you our daughters, and we'll take your daughters for ourselves. We
will live among you and become one people. 17 But if you don't agree to be
circumcised, we will take her and be on our way."

18 Hamor and his son Shechem agreed to their proposal. 19 Shechem wasted
no time in acting on this request, for he wanted Jacob's daughter
desperately. Shechem was a highly respected member of his family, 20 and he
went with his father, Hamor, to present this proposal to the leaders at the
town gate.

21 "These men are our friends," they said. "Let's invite them to live
here among us and trade freely. Look, the land is large enough to hold them.
We can take their daughters as wives and let them marry ours. 22 But they
will consider staying here and becoming one people with us only if all of
our men are circumcised, just as they are. 23 But if we do this, all their
livestock and possessions will eventually be ours. Come, let's agree to
their terms and let them settle here among us."

24 So all the men in the town council agreed with Hamor and Shechem, and
every male in the town was circumcised. 25 But three days later, when their
wounds were still sore, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, who were
Dinah's full brothers, took their swords and entered the town without
opposition. Then they slaughtered every male there, 26 including Hamor and
his son Shechem. They killed them with their swords, then took Dinah from
Shechem's house and returned to their camp.

27 Meanwhile, the rest of Jacob's sons arrived. Finding the men
slaughtered, they plundered the town because their sister had been defiled
there. 28 They seized all the flocks and herds and donkeys-everything they
could lay their hands on, both inside the town and outside in the fields. 29
They looted all their wealth and plundered their houses. They also took all
their little children and wives and led them away as captives.

*tip o' the kangol to Wayne, Playaz Bible Scholar and legal counsel, for this

Posted by Phil at 2:53 PM

December 1, 2008

Gunfire, arson reported at Playaz Mansion during Ga. Tech - Georgia game

Police were called to the Playaz' mansion based on reports of gunfire being heard during the Georgia Tech - Georgia football game this past Saturday.

The police discovered the Playaz' living room ransacked, with over 90% of the area burned by fire that had been set at some point during the day. Police suspect the Playaz became involved in an altercation of some sort after they had gathered together to watch the contest between the hated rivals.

The Playaz living room was nearly completely destroyed as a result of a dispute during the viewing of a football game Saturday. The Playaz' maids were left to clean up the mess.

Bullet holes were found through out the dwelling, but no Playa seemed to have been injured by the gunshots.

The Playaz were arrested for domestic battery and arson charges. Phil and the Guv'na were reported to be too happy to care about the arrests.

Posted by Phil at 12:32 PM

November 20, 2008

Playaz embroiled in controversy after comparing Dick Clark to "Hitler"

A recent news conference turned into an epicenter of controversy recently when Phil Braun made comments comparing Dick Clark, the beloved host of "American Bandstand", "Pyramid", and "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve", to Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler.

Phil expressed concerns about the upcoming New Year, and whether or not Clark should be involved in this year's festivities as he has been since 1972. Phil compared Clark's annual show to Nazi Germany's radio broadcasts of the 30's and 40's, whereby the Nazi's propaganda was broadcast and authorized by Hitler himself, in similar fashion to Clark's own "propaganda machine", as Phil described it. "Dick Clark has controlled American airwaves for over 40 years and the content which he allows Americans to view and hear, much the same way Hitler did during the Third Reich," Phil stated. He also compared Ryan Seacrest to Joseph Goebbels, who at the time had many German musicians and songwriters under his influence.

Seacrest with Clark on New Year's Eve, whom Phil compares to Goebbels and Hitler

Phil continued to compare Clark's "TV's Funniest Bloopers" franchise to Hitler's ability to convey to Germans an "offended national pride" by showing all of televisions foul-ups and blunders, thereby embarrassing the American populace into following Clark as an all-powerful dictator-type.

Word spread quickly of Phil's comments, creating a massive backlash from the American people, who generally say they love Dick Clark and many of his broadcasts. Phil has refused to retract his statements or issue an apology to "that drunken lush", referring to Clark. When informed that Clark recently was victim to a stroke, and did not speak that way due to alcohol consumption, Phil excused himself to his parlor without further comment except to add of Clark's "extreme hatred of Jews".

Posted by Phil at 3:09 PM

November 13, 2008

Dallas pastor issues 7-day sex challenge; Playaz arrive at Dallas church to accept challenge

Reverend Ed Young issued a 7-day "sex challenge" from his Fellowship Church in Dallas, Texas recently, and the Playaz have arrived to inform the pastor that they are willing to accept his challenge.

The Playaz decreed that over the ensuing seven days, they will have non-stop sex with each of the congregation's female constituents.

The Playaz arrive to inform Pastor Young they accept his challenge

"For some members, it will be a difficult task for the Playaz. We will have to pretend it is someone else. But the Playaz have never backed down from a challenge, and we readily accept this one," the Playaz were quoted as saying.

Female church members are already lining up following the Playaz' sex-challenge acceptance

Posted by Phil at 4:48 PM

November 5, 2008

Playaz riot following election; observers cannot tell if in protest or celebration

The Playaz rioted Tuesday following the election results, smashing store windows, burning cars, and commiting random acts of violence.

Observers to the mayhem were confused, stating "we can't tell if they're happy or angry. Not only are they destroying property, but they've been beating both Obama supporters and McCain supporters. It's been completely random."

When asked if they Playaz were rioting because of the election results, the Playaz replied quizzically, "this is what we do every Tuesday?".

Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM

October 30, 2008

Bon casts his ballot

Bon writes in "Kenny Rodgers" (sic) for Judge of the Court of Appeals.

I am concerned they won't count the correct "Rogers" since Bon misspelled his name.

Posted by Phil at 1:50 PM

October 21, 2008

We don't read the news, we make the news

A loyal reader "B.D. Heath" emailed us from the island where toilets flow backwards, Australia, and sent us the following headline from down under:

Kenny Rogers becomes 'Bionic Man' (Yahoo.au)

Of course, I reminded Mr. Heath that all this transpired two years ago, right here on Playaz Ball in April 2006:

People Magazine soils the good name of Kenny Rogers

Playaz re-build Kenny

Kenny's surgery a success

I suppose news doesn't reach the more primative parts of the world, such as Australia, for some time.

Adds Heath, "Kenny stands for everything our forefathers, convict folk, represent. Honest values and facial plumage that the most down trodden soul can take straight to the bank, even in the toughest economic times. He is quite simply a bionic miracle. -- BD Heath"

Posted by Phil at 10:35 AM

October 11, 2008

Playaz sell White House to Doug and Suzy Winchester

The Playaz closed on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue this past Friday to new homeowners Doug and Suzy Winchester, who will be moving from the Friendship Heights area.

http://www.destination360.com/north-america/us/washington-dc/white-house

The Playaz brokered the deal as President and First Lady Bush were under some financial pressure from their mortgagor to sell the house before letting it go into foreclosure.

"We were pretty desperate to sell, and well, fortunately for us the Playaz all had a real estate license. So, they convinced us to put the White House on the market, and we sold it for a very attractive price," said the President of the United States.

The Playaz listed the property for $99,999,999.00. "We knew this had to be a quick sale, so we immediately put some flyers together, put the White House on MLS, and we were able to find the Winchesters who just fell in love with the place," said Phil.

Suzy Winchester stated "Phil spent hours and hours with us. The White House wasn't even on our "to look at" list. Phil took a chance and showed it to us. We believe it was meant to be. I would refer anyone who asks to Phil and the Playaz - they give of their time without ever complaining. Provided there's a hefty commission involved."

The Winchesters owned a townhome in the popular area west of Rock Creek Park, but stated they were thinking of starting a family soon, and needed the extra room. Doug attended law school at Georgetown and lives off his trust fund, while Suzy plays tennis in her spare time.

The Bushes reported they will be looking for something "around Petworth", in an effort to save money.

Posted by Phil at 10:25 PM

October 3, 2008

Sensitive to economic conditions, Playaz hold Telethon for themselves

In the midst of a plummeting stock market, failed financial institutions, and soaring gas prices, the Playaz held a fund raising telethon, benefitting themselves.

The Playaz were able to raise approximately eighty-five million dollars, thanks to generous donations made over the course of their prime-time, 24 hour broadcast that was host to a multitude of celebrities and entertainers.

Guest stars Roger Moore, Miss Piggy, and Phil crack up during rehearsals
for one of their planned sketches during the Telethon

Special guests such as Ray Stevens performed, as well as Tony Orlando and the lone living Hager Twin, Jon Hager.

The Playaz present Tony Orlando with the naming of a street after him, conditioned upon Orlando
making a generous donation. After review of Orlando's financial records, the street name was revoked

The phone banks were manned by notables such as President Bush, Dian Parkinson, Fidel Castro, and Queen Elizabeth II, among others.

The Playaz and the entertainers used incredible amounts of narcotics, including 'comet dust', to keep them going for the 24 hours. The show grew increasingly bizarre as the night wore on. At one point, there was a solid 64 minutes of air time devoted to an obviously high Wayne giving a dissertation on Lasik surgery and it's benefits.

However, that did not deter the viewing public into giving the Playaz the money they so adamantly demanded.

Posted by Phil at 3:37 PM

September 30, 2008

Mary Worth

This is the conclusion to the Mary Worth strips featuring Kenny Rogers. I hope you enjoyed.

Posted by Phil at 9:22 AM

September 28, 2008

Mary Worth

Posted by Phil at 12:00 PM

September 25, 2008

Mary Worth

Posted by Phil at 9:21 AM

September 22, 2008

Mary Worth

Posted by Phil at 3:06 PM

September 19, 2008

Mary Worth

Posted by Phil at 2:24 PM

September 17, 2008

Mary Worth

This begins a series of "Mary Worth"* comic strips, featuring Kenny Rogers.

*idea stolen from Washington Cube

Posted by Phil at 4:00 PM

September 15, 2008

Emailed from Bon's blackberry

Posted by Phil at 4:55 PM

September 8, 2008

Act II

The Playaz have just been handed a treatment from an unknown play - thus far we have only acquired "Act II", and do not know of the whereabouts of any prior or post Acts of this play. Actually we are not sure of the author's age. Rumors have swirled that the author is quite young.

What we do know is this appears to be the greatest stage play ever scribed by man. The Playaz are working feverishly to acquire the rights to this play and put into production immediately.

I present to you now, exclusively, "Act II":

Act 2

Narrator -(Katie) - The Civil War has started
(Sarah) - This is the battle of Bull run

Union and Confederate - Charge!!!!

Union General (Jessie)- fire kill them all !

Confederate General- Anderson- Men go, go, go !

Union Soldier (Greg)- Bloody (die)

Confederate flag holder (Fincher)- Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! (Drop dead)

(Everyone else die)

Union General- You will never win

Confederate General- I will take Bull run

Confederate General- (Stab union general) Yes!

Union General (Drop dead)

Narrator (Alicia)- The confederate's took Bull Run

Narrator- (Sarah)- Harriet Beecher Stowe made her new book

(Katie)- Uncle Tom's Cabin

Citizen (Greg)- I love that new book Uncle Tom's Cabin

Citizen (Michael)- Isn't it amazing

Harriet Beecher Stowe (Ellen)- May I please see your copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin

Citizen (Greg)- Ok

Harriet Beecher Stowe- Thank you

Citizen (Greg)- O my gosh she signed it

Citizen (Michael)- She is Harriet Beecher Stowe

Narrator (Katie)- This is the story of
(Alicia)- Harriet's Escape to freedom

Harriet Tubman (Tracy)- Ineed to get away I'am going to freedom tonight

Slave owner (Everett) Hey one of my slaves is gone! I will just have to go get my dog. go find her boy go find her!

Harriet Tubman- No he's after me I'll go down her and foolow this tunnel.

Narrator (Alicia)- That is how Harriet found her way to freedom
(Katie)- She also helped other slaves escape through the underground railroad

Posted by Phil at 9:47 AM

August 28, 2008

Tac photographs UFO at Playaz Ball

Someone trying to contact the Playaz?
(click to enlarge)

Posted by Phil at 9:07 AM

August 25, 2008

Playaz return from Playaz Ball to announce new chain of convenience stores

The Playaz returned to Atlanta on Sunday and held a press conference to announce that they will be unveiling a new brand of convenience stores across the country.

The convenience stores will aptly be titled the "Snack 'N' Piss", where travelers may stop to purchase marked-up food products and relieve one's self along their journey. Feces will require an additional fee.

I am ashamed to say the Playaz did not take many photographs at this year's Ball. I'm quite certain the Playaz smoked far too much comet dust, as we became even more lethargic than was previously thought possible. We did enjoy our new rascal scooters this year, however.

Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM

August 22, 2008

Have you ever had a blog, then forgot to post?

That's when you know you're high.

I will regale you with tales of Judge Extreme Akim from the Playaz favorite new daytime TV show, "Eye for an Eye", and hopefully some photos.

We also watched "How to Frame a Figg" starring Don Knotts, and Tac thinks he's photographed a UFO.

It's been raining a bit here at Playaz Ball.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 PM

August 19, 2008

Super Playaz

We head out tomorrow -- will try to update when I can.

Posted by Phil at 10:01 AM

August 15, 2008

Bigfoot and Elvis

I just finished watching the CNN feed of the Bigfoot news conference concerning two Georgia residents who claim they have in their possession the body of bigfoot. They even released three DNA tests performed on the body:

One test - 'inconclusive'
One test - 'human'
One test - 'possum'

The one thing definitive I can say about this creature after seeing the photographs, is it has perfect teeth.

Coinciding with the anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, which is tomorrow, this news conference tied together two mythical legends that have both been rumored to be alive.

Elvis sightings and bigfoot sightings have continued for decades, and both remain just as enigmatic today as ever.

I was watching an Elvis documentary last night, "That's the Way It Is", which followed Elvis through rehearsals leading up to a series of concerts he was performing in Las Vegas. Shot in 1970, Elvis was at the beginning of his jumpsuit-wearing best.

It was during this viewing that made me think "1970 Elvis is my favorite Elvis". At this point Elvis had past his "teeny-bopper" stardom, but had still yet to sink into his bloated, pre-death self.

His wardrobe choices alone made him an instant inspiration to the Playaz. From Erin Hanafy of the Associated Press:

In addition to Presley's stage costumes....Presley's personal clothing included:

• A full-length white leather coat with wide black fur trim.
• A royal blue caftan, trimmed with gold embroidery and beading, that Presley wore around the house.
• A black velvet suit embroidered with Presley's karate insignia.
• A tan and brown leather suit with rainbow-colored leather fringe, inspired by Presley's American Indian heritage.
• A black and white fur coat paired with white velvet pants.
• A chocolate brown faux fur suit and a matching hat that he wore to receive an award from the United States Junior Chamber of Commerce.

Beyond Elvis's obvious wardrobe choices, the documentary really brought home Elvis's desire to be liked and loved, but also what must have been a lonely existence for Elvis despite his constant entourage.

Rehearsals are something of a dichotomy - interspersed moments of Elvis cutting up (falling out of his chair, or playing with a microphone that won't stay put on it's stand to break the group into laughter) versus moments of Elvis's demand for perfection from his band and backup singers, giving specific demands of what notes to hit and when.

The presence of Elvis's "Memphis Mafia" everywhere he went only emphasized, ironically, how lonely Elvis must have been. His trusted compatriots and "lifelong friends" were merely lap-dogs - Elvis's "yes men". Surely Elvis could tell that even his relationship with the people who were once his friends had evolved into something more parasitic - albeit both organisms needed the other to survive.

In the hours prior to his death, Elvis played raquetball with cousin Billy Smith. Billy noted that when you played raquetball with Elvis, your job was to hit the ball directly to Elvis, so he did not have to move. Elvis took enjoyment out of hitting the ball back directly at his opponent, instead of trying to win the point. If the ball didn't work, sometimes he'd throw his raquet.

And in the end, Elvis died alone. Secluded upstairs in his bedroom, where at the end of his life Elvis spent many hours, reports say Elvis consumed several packets of sleeping pills and other painkillers, and was found dead face down in a pool of his own vomit.

Conspiracy theorists claim Elvis is alive and well, merely tired of the spotlight and the hangers-on.

Like Elvis, Bigfoot has lived a mostly solitary existence. Often photographed alone and running away from it's tracker, Bigfoot purposefully lives a lonely life, sort of like my cat Grace (who I named after "Graceland") spends her time running from the three-year-olds in my house and hiding under beds and in closets

That was the case, at least, until now. Bigfoot is back in the spotlight. And wherever Elvis is hiding, perhaps he better lay low, lest someone stumble upon him in a remote part of the American unknown.

Posted by Phil at 3:51 PM

August 12, 2008

Playaz excited about prospects of 'invisibility cloak' invention

The Playaz announced that scientists have gotten much closer to inventing an invisibility cloak, which would effectively render three dimensional objects invisible.

The Playaz eagerly anticipate testing this new technology in women's locker rooms everywhere.

The Playaz see this new technology as having a broad range of applications, not just women's locker rooms, such as: department store changing rooms (women's sections), sorority house showers, gynecologist's offices, and many, many others.

The invisibility cloak previously could only shroud two-dimensional objects. The new cloak should replace other less-effective efforts in disguising one's location.

Posted by Phil at 10:17 AM

July 30, 2008

Barack Obama quickly learning Playaz Business Model

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama stood in front of hundreds of students at the University of Chicago Law School and lectured on the Playaz Business Model.

Obama has been feverishly studying the innovative model implemented by the Playaz in preparation for his run at the White House.

Initially, it was reported that previous attempts by Obama to explain the Model were grossly incorrect -- often times Obama would confuse the cash flow system of the Business Model by displaying the cash going to the government, and not the Playaz.

After several beatings, the Playaz have appeared to "correct" the U.S. Senator, and now Obama is practicing explaining the model in the classroom.

"It brings about a great forum of questioning. When is it best to use the Model? Who benefits?" Obama was quoted as saying. "And the answers are 'always', and 'the Playaz'. The answers are always the same."

The Playaz Business Model is based on an enhanced version of the "pyramid scheme", as well as a layered "business fee" that the Playaz add to virtually any business transaction.

"The Playaz are businessmen," continued Obama. "In fact, that's what it says on their card: "Businessman". So I guess they're entitled to their fees, as Tac and Bon quickly pointed out to me following my tutorial session with them," said Obama while massaging a rather large knot on his forehead.

Posted by Phil at 1:39 PM

July 17, 2008

The stunning conclusion to "Fantastic Voyage...."

....right after this.

This is some artwork penned by yours truly. I call it "Batman has a weakness".

Tune in next week for the stunning conclusion to "Fantastic Voyage...to Phil's colon".

Posted by Phil at 9:54 PM

June 29, 2008

Trailer #2

Posted by Phil at 9:47 PM

June 25, 2008

God taps Wayne as legal counsel following drug arrest

It was announced that God has chosen Wayne to be His attorney after being arrested for allegedly selling cocaine in Tampa, Florida.

Wayne presents his rate of hourly services to God

God has been under investigation since April, and was arrested this past Saturday charged with several counts of possession and distribution, with additional charges levied for being within 1,000 feet of a church.

Wayne stated his Client was not guilty of these charges, and that He would be exonerated.

God is being held on $86,500 bond.

Posted by Phil at 10:10 AM

June 20, 2008

...And you think you're having a bad day at work (LOL!)

Although this looks like a picture taken from a Hollywood movie, it is in fact a REAL PHOTO, taken near the South African coast during a military exercise by the British Navy.

It has been nominated by Geo as "THE photo of the year".

Please feel free to email it to all your friends.

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM

June 9, 2008

Playaz primer

A couple of days ago we received a comment from a "Rebecca" who said, "i don't really understand your website....but i love it."

While the lack of understanding of our website might seem inconceivable at first, it is fair to admit that we have been away for some while and new readers are discovering us, just as the old readers are "re-discovering" us.

So how best to explain to young Rebecca what the Playaz are all about?

First Rebecca, read the following article that was recently done on the Playaz:

PLAYAZ WILL STEAL YOUR WIFE AND MONEY

by Alex Davies
Wireless Flash News
June 4, 2008

ATLANTA (Wireless Flash) -- Don't hate the playa, hate the
game.

A group of Southern men known as the Playaz are gaining
notoriety on the Internet through their website,
playazball.com, and they have one thing to say to their
critics: Don't hate if you can't relate.

Head Playa Phil Braun says, "We consider ourselves the
most important people on the Internet. We're involved in
everything from making love to world leaders' wives and
cutting back the animal population, to space travel and
narcotics. People should never hate a playa, even if they've
been screwed by us. Maybe we took your money or wife, but you
probably deserved it."

The playaz cite country crooner Kenny Rogers as their
idol and inspiration because of his raw sexual magnetism...

And that only scratches the surface, of course. As Bon stated in his reply, the answers to the Playaz' mysteries can best be discovered in the archives via our "Categories" section in the sidebar. In order to get you started, I have recommended a few links.

Introduction

National Affairs

Kenny Rogers

Former Heavyweight Champion Larry Holmes

Space Travel

Playaz' Nutrition

and naturally, Playaz Ball - which is the reason we're here to start with.

Hope that helps a bit - plenty more where that came from of course, and we hope you return often.

If you visit Atlanta, you're sure to see the Playaz on various marquee billboards around the city

Posted by Phil at 9:56 AM

June 5, 2008

Playaz visit untouched jungle village of Amazonian tribe; begin grading

The Playaz commenced grading and development of the previously unknown site of the "Lost" tribe that was recently discovered deep in the Amazon jungle.

The tribe, discovered almost by accident by researchers studying the Amazon rainforests, were believed to have been never before seen by outside civilization and may have had a connection to the current-day Playaz as possible ancestoral links.

The Playaz, curious about this amazing scientific discovery, immediately began plans to clear-cut the site and lay out plans for construction that will include restaurants, a 10-level parking garage, hotel and casino, and other various retail shops.

"These savages don't know how lucky they will have it," foreman Tac was quoted as saying. "Imagine riding down Kenny Rogers Boulevard with your four wives and children to grab a bite at Kenny & Bon's, play 18 holes of golf, then wrap up the evening at the craps table!"

Construction is believed to continue for the next 18-24 months. The current residents have been displaced to allow the development.

Posted by Phil at 10:30 AM

June 3, 2008

Possible "Lost Tribe" of Playaz photographed for first time

In an astounding discovery, researchers recently photographed what they believe could be a previously uncontacted "lost tribe" of Playaz in the Amazon jungles.

Hidden in the most remote parts of the rain forests of South America, this tribe is quite possibly the missing link between the Playaz and their heretofore unknown ancestors.

Never before seen or contacted by outside civilization, a helicopter surveying the area spotted the tribe and took these amazing photographs.

As you can see, the tribe became quite angry at this perceived 'invasion'. They were seen waving angrily and firing their crude weaponry at the intruders. It appeared that the tribe was previously enjoying what appeared to be their own version of a "hot tub" - a hole dug into a hot spring, whereby one tribesman would be responsible for blowing into a tube that would create 'bubbles' in the tub - along with several neighboring female tribeswomen that had apparently been invited to this hidden campsite.

Evidence, as seen below, gave indications as to the tribe's potential link to the Playaz.

A convertible Cadillac Fleetwood was spotted among the straw huts, and perhaps more surprisingly, a "Red Lobster" sign emanated from the jungle forest below.

Here, the tribesmen were spotted on the Amazon River in a crudely constructed 'cigarette' boat they used for fishing.

The Playaz themselves had no official comment on the findings, only to say that they had been receiving hand-written messages from someone or some unknown group claiming to be "relatives", and asking for money.

Posted by Phil at 9:21 AM

May 21, 2008

Judge not, lest Tac judge ye

Since I never finished the 2007 Playaz Ball DVD, this video is but an excerpt from that crazy weekend.

To give you some context, this portion of Playaz Ball was filmed just subsequent to our (attempted) phone calls to "Seka" (noted adult film star from the 70s & 80s) and prior to "Huff Night" - a celebratory evening of paint huffing that we enjoy every year.

Posted by Phil at 9:51 AM

May 19, 2008

Wayne's tips to a beginning a successful work day

Morning checklist:
1. Load .38 snub-nose. You never know when you might face a disgruntled client. Also good for persuading opposition to "settle" the case.
2. Money clip. $100 denominations or higher. Cash is good for those times when credit cards are not accepted. Such as, for bribes, or narcotics.
3. Walking Cane. Can also be used as a weapon. A cape is also a stylish touch.
4. Jaques Lemans "Bob Guccione Edition" wristwatch. (Precise time-keeping, plus, water resistant for sub-aquatic love making sessions up to 100m)
5. Pinky rings. Dazzle everyone in the room when these babies are flashed as you are notarizing documents that will ultimately donate Gary Coleman's body to science.

Posted by Phil at 8:00 AM

May 13, 2008

Playaz attend Bush wedding; got party started

The Playaz attended the wedding ceremony for the President's daughter Jenna Bush this past weekend, and it was reported a good time was had by all.

Bon performed the ceremony between Jenna and her husband-to-be Henry Hager.

"Will you.....state your name, have.......uh....state your name...... to be your wife and or husband? Will you promise to remain subservient to your husband, to wash his sheets and clean beaver pelts and prepare the beaver haunches for dinner whenever he desires, and endow all your worldly goods to the Playaz as long as you both shall live?" (if so, say: "I will")"

Shortly into the vows, Bon quickly became distracted by the various wildlife on the Crawford, Texas ranch and cut short the ceremony.

Guv'na DJ'ed the reception, and played a vast selection of songs that would appeal to all, including the classic wedding favorite "Strokin'" during the father-daughter dance.

Jenna and Hager will be honeymooning at Playaz Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, South Carolina.

Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM

May 12, 2008

Look what we found!

Happy Day!

This stuff was just sitting there. Behind a dumpster!! So we took it. Look at it!!!! Can you believe someone would just leave this somewhere??

Well, it ours now. We just wanted you to know.

Posted by Phil at 10:27 AM

May 7, 2008

President Bush reports that most 3 a.m. phone calls just the Guv'na, drunk

After much speculation and debate amongst current Presidential hopefuls as to which candidate would be best suited to handle a phone call to the White House at 3 a.m., President Bush stated that the vast majority of calls coming in at 3 a.m. are "usually the Guv'na, drunk."

"Might I converse briefly with the President of the United States, m'lady? Yes, I know what time it is. Wake him, post-haste, before I make sick!"

Bush remarked that during his eight years in office, he has probably received thousands of phone calls that have awoken him in the wee hours of the morning, only to discover it is the Guv'na on the other end of the line.

"He is often inebriated, incoherent, and usually demanding something," said Bush. "Often times he is demanding I send out the Presidential motorcade to come pick him up and drive him somewhere...either a brothel or Waffle House or some other god-forsaken place," he added. "God, I wish he'd stop calling so often sometimes."

The President, patiently listening to another of the Guv'na's drunken late-night phone calls

The Guv'na says that he only recalls contacting the President at "reasonable hours" and that the conversations are of "high importance". The President contradicted the Guv'na's statements saying "unless 'high importance' means talking to me for over an hour and a half about how 'that bitch' Condoleeza will never go out on a date with him, or how this mannequin at JC Penney closely resembles Ed McMahon."

The Guv'na most recently telephoned the President at approximately 3:06 a.m. Sunday morning to tell him that he was "his best buddy" and that he should awake the Treasury secretary and have him print off a few sheets of $100 dollar bills and go to Vegas or somewhere.

Posted by Phil at 10:35 AM

May 2, 2008

Pope announces to packed stadium the return of Playaz Ball

Pope Benedict XVI arrived to a packed Turner Field stadium in Atlanta to announce to the masses that Playaz Ball has returned, and to announce that Playaz Ball 2008 has been set for August 20-24th of this year.

Arriving in his "Pope-Mobile", flanked by the Playaz with Technotronic's Pump Up the Jam blaring over the PA system, the Pope spoke to the crowd saying that he "urged Phil with firm resolve" to revive the blog, and that Playaz Ball must go on.

But the Pope also had stern words, expressing his disappointment that the 2007 Playaz Ball DVD was never completed.

After the visit, the Pope and the Playaz retired to a private room at Red Lobster and dined on popcorn shrimp and cheese biscuits.

Posted by Phil at 10:14 AM

April 27, 2008

Posted by Phil at 3:58 PM

December 11, 2007

Milk was a bad choice

Many of you have inquired as to my whereabouts and well-being, and why I have not been posting as frequently. I get calls from people like Fidel Castro, letters from Jimmy Carter - people from all over the globe asking "what happened to the Playaz?".

I have been very ill now for the last several months with a chronic disorder that has all but interrupted my normal Playa lifestyle. I have lost approximately 50 lbs. since September, and in my weakened state have simply not been able to post as frequently as I'd like.

Wayne is back safely, for those of you who recall his mysterious absence from Playaz Ball, and there is a wild tale regarding his rescue and return which I will hopefully share with you in the near future.

I have been undergoing treatment these several months, but their results have been marginal thus far, and slow to take effect.

As a result, I have opted to try a different path in conjunction with my doctor currently treating me. I have heard many good things about traditional Chinese Medicine and their benefits to people with conditions such as mine. I bumped into an Asian fellow a few weeks ago and I asked him "who is the top China-man here in the States who can help treat me for my ailments?". The man became offended and walked off without answering me (apparently, it has come to my attention that the term "China-man" is offensive to people of Asian ethnicity. It was my understanding that the Asian race was the last group of people that it was okay to be racially derogatory towards, without any social repercussions. I guess I am wrong).

Anyway, I did locate someone and tomorrow I am flying to Los Angeles to meet with Dr. Mao, where he will no doubt stab me with needles and prescribe comet dust tea for me to drink.

Wish me luck, and I hope to return to your world very soon.

All my best,
Phil

(comments have been deactivated as I have been swamped with spam these past few months)

Posted by Phil at 11:39 AM

November 11, 2007

Toy recall baffles Playaz

The Playaz were highly confused by a recent mandated recall of a toy invented by the Playaz that has proven to be wildly popular in countries such as Australia.

"We were expecting to reap big profits for Christmas this season. This toy appeals to children and stalkers alike," said Bon. "Parents might actually find it to be a nice sedative for hyperactive children," he added.

This is not the first toy the Playaz invented that has been recalled. In 2003, toy vehicles that had 1:100 scale 50mm turrets mounted to them that fired live ammunition were deemed unsafe, and in 2000, the popular "Bag O' Cats", which was a burlap sack full of cats, was pulled off the shelves as well.

Bon is seen in toy development in 2003

Posted by Phil at 4:47 PM

October 16, 2007

Posted by Phil at 3:03 PM

October 9, 2007

Wayne?

Posted by Phil at 12:34 PM

October 3, 2007

"....you know for years I provided Burt and Loni with all their wigs. They came to me. Then they split up...big mistake. But I'm rambling....Anyway, I said to Guv'na 'if you're saying you wouldn't do that to her if presented to you, even if it were 100% cleaned, sterilized, whatever you wanted, you sir are a bald-faced liar! You know you wouldn't be able to say no!'....say have you guys seen a guy named "Wayne"? He's our attorney and he's been missing a while over here somewhere."

Posted by Phil at 4:49 PM

October 1, 2007

The Onion is stealing from me again

Just because I get lost in the plains of Africa searching for Wayne and stop posting on a regular basis, doesn't mean The Onion can start ripping me off again. Well, technically they're stealing from my Mom.

Here's the offending story.

Of course, you all remember my Mom, who coined the phrase.

And here's their previous effort to lift their news straight from Playaz Ball.

(comments are now open again)

Posted by Phil at 9:48 AM

September 26, 2007

"Wayne?.."

9/27
DEAR PHIL,
PLEASE IS MY INTEREST TO KNOW IF MR.WAYNE HAS ARRIVED BACK AMERICA BECAUSE AM AFRAID THAT IT COULD BE THAT HE HAS GOT MISSED FOR EVER,AS YOU STATED IN ONE OF YOUR WEBSITE THAT YOU SENT HIM TO GHANA TO MEET ME BUT YOU NEVER HAD OF HIM OR HE NEVER RETURN BACK TO STATES.

WHAT IS THE CURRENT NEWS ABOUT HIM,KINDLY UPDATE ME HIS WAY ABOUT.

AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR MAIL REPLY AT THE SWIFTEST REGARDING HIS LOCATION THIS MOMENT.

BEST REGARDS.
MR.SHERIFF

Posted by Phil at 3:05 PM

August 30, 2007

I'm not sure where to start.

As I type this, I feel weak. The mind wanders. The turtleneck does not fit as snugly as it once did, revealing the manly brawn of my physique. I have survived these maladies before....Am I beaten?

Let me back up.

Playaz Ball 2007....Wayne was sent to Ghana to settle the situation with Mr. Sheriff once and for all. Mysteriously, Wayne went missing. Had he fallen into the clutches of Mr. Mike Teigaga? Been lingering in an opium den? Fallen for a native lass and settled on a farm raising hyenas?

Dear Phil,

Listen and listen properly, don't behave shizzy in regarding the arrival of your delegates. As you know I run things and things never run me, however I have call your business a speedy attention and you slack behind, he who fight and run away will live to fight another, however is a shame seeing you kidding and with characteristic of childish plays.

You are afraid to become a Financial Dada, so therefore you will remain the same in your state of finance; no addition and increase of cash that so called PLAYAZ INC.

Your habitual character has pissed me off your line; however continue at work and in meeting down here with Mr. Mike Teigaga and his associates. I stand strong to tell you any thing mike and his associates can do I must do it the best to your admirable, loveable and choose able.

I await your swift and speedy mail reply to enable me and you to conclude for no further as you wish.

Best Regards,

Mr. Sheriff.

Wayne apparently did not make his connection with Mr. Sheriff.

He could have faked his own death, which the Playaz are often want to do - but Wayne surely would have alerted me to this in order to collect the insurance money prior to his plan. No, something else is a-miss.

Upon the realization of this we had to rescue Wayne. But we had a problem. We spent all of our money on Playaz Ball.

Oh, Why did Bon insist on purchasing the more expensive 'Benjamin Moore' paints for Huff Night?! Did Larry Holmes really need a $20,000.00 per diem? But this is how the Playaz roll.

Now, no fuel for the jet to bring Wayne back, wherever he is.

After scouring the countryside, I needed sustenance. Finally spotting a 'Kenny & Bon's', I found my need was their supply (that and of course the Playaz always eat free at Kenny & Bon's). I mistakenly ordered the "diet" platter of K&B roast goose, which comes with a side of tapeworms. Now, 1 month later, I am an emaciated version of my former self - weakened by these parasites. I look ridiculous with only 1 chin!!

Fortunately, I secured a position with the world-renowned "Bank of Africa" (the official bank of the entire continent). I noticed they have lots of money sitting around in their various "accounts" that rarely ever go anywhere. So I figured they are fair game. I only need find someone to laund- I mean, - to graciously accept my gifts in exchange to transfer the money through their own account, return it to me in exchange they will receive a small bonus (before they pay me a Transaction Fee). This money is likely in the account of someone dead, or dying, of which I am their likely orphan and/or you are their distant relative. All of it is true, I tell you.

So until I figure a way out of this mess, and regain my health and strength, I am afraid I may be on a bit of a "break" from giving you the Playa-news you so desire.

But do not be dismayed. I will be back, and back soon. Keep reading the news. You will see us, still working diligently. When you read a headline that says "man strangles raccoon with bare hands", or, "diaper wearing astronaut to plead insanity", you'll know who is behind those stories.

Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM

August 23, 2007

What can (Phil) Braun do for you?

Apparently, not much as of late.

I apologize for lack of posts, and delay of DVD production.

I have not been feeling well of late, and on top of that have had to deal with the missing-Wayne situation.

Please be patient - I will be back up to speed as soon as I am able.

Meanwhile, please enjoy this photo of our Honorary Playa of the Day, Vladimir Putin:

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM

June 22, 2007

Playaz also call for death of Salman Rushdie

Through a press release and protest yesterday, the Playaz recently condemned the beleagured author Salman Rushdie for commiting an "affront to the Playaz".

The British-Indian novelist has recently been condemned by Pakistani cabinet members following his Knighthood in London, England, as well as having had a 'fatwa' placed on his head in 1989 by Iran's spiritual leader Ayatollah Khomeini for his book "The Satanic Verses". Both incidences are believed to have offended the nation of Islam.

The Playaz issued the death sentence to Rushdie following a visit to Kenny & Bon's Roasters, where the author reportedly returned one of their infamous dishes "blackened bald eagle", calling it "unpleasant" and too "gamey".

"Kill him! Death to Rushdie!" several of the Playaz shouted outside the restaurant after reports came back of Rushdie's dissatisfaction with his meal.

Several other celebrity endorsers of the restaurant, such as comedic singer Ray Stevens, spoke out against Rushdie, saying his actions were deplorable.

Rushdie has reportedly gone into hiding once again to avoid any bounty hunters seeking to once again kill the controversial author.

**(we are still awaiting Mr. Sheriff's essay, so I am bringing you this urgent news story while we wait)

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM

June 13, 2007

Kenny Rogers attempts to cross river on back of Charlie Daniels; Daniels drowns

Kenny Rogers, in a brash show of bravado, attempted to ride bareback across the Eden River on top of country musician Charlie Daniels at the annual Appleby Horse Fair, which ended in tragedy.

In what has become an annual ritual at the Fair, dozens of riders will cross the river on horseback. Rogers, instead, mounted Mr. Daniels and waded into the river before Daniels lost his footing in deep waters.

Apparently unable to swim due to the weight of Rogers, Daniels drowned before he could be pulled to shore.

"The riders try to be 'macho'," stated one horrified onlooker. "They will traditionally dunk the horses' heads underwater, and they start to swim across," he added. Rogers dunked Daniels head under water, at which point a frightened Daniels panicked, and sank to the bottom of the river.

Many onlookers immediately attempted to retrieve Daniels, but it was too late. The hefty country singer was dead by the time they pulled him to shore.

A distraught Kenny answered investigators questions before leaving immediately on the Playaz jet to return to their Headquarters.

The lifeless Daniels lies on the bank as Kenny answers questions

Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM

June 8, 2007

Tac punches Alabama state senator for "disrespecting Kenny"

A blow to the face of Alabama State Sen. Lowell Barron was captured on Alabama Public Television, when Tac punched the democratic lawmaker for "disrespecting the work of Kenny Rogers".

The fracas evolved over a debate on the floor of the Senate as to the virtues of Kenny Rogers' legacy as a musician and performer.

Several Senators introduced a bill that claimed Kenny was not the greatest country musician of all time, with evidence showing that Kenny did not write many of his own hit tunes - specifically siting that Lionel Ritchie was responsible for several Kenny 'classics' as an example.

Tac then began a three-day filibuster to wear down the Senate. Tac spoke for 72 consecutive hours about Kenny Rogers.

By the time the floor was open to a vote, Sen. Barron called Kenny a "son of a b*tch", at which point Tac assaulted the Senator and punched him in the face.

After then threatening the remaining Senate lawmakers, the bill was shot down unanimously.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM

June 4, 2007

Man eats small dog to protest Royal Family; Bon eats larger dog as counter-protest

In a recent news story, a British man ate a dog in the London streets as a way to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

The protestor, Mark McGowan, set up a table streetside in downtown London and ate a Corgi, a small dog that is a favorite breed of Queen Elizabeth in response to a story that Prince Phillip, the queen's husband, had reportedly beaten a fox to death during a hunt.

Upon hearing the protest, Bon immediately offered his support of the royal family by eating a much larger dog, a German Shepherd.

Bon lauded the Prince's hunting tactics and vowed to top whatever animal McGowan would eat in the future should further protests arise.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM

May 30, 2007

Pick me, YouTubes!

For reasons of obtaining valuable prizes, I have opted to enter a short video into a contest being held on YouTube called "YouTube Sketchies" (sponsored by the delicious, delicious Sierra Mist beverage makers).

While my videos tend to be auto-biographical in nature, and not necessarily comedic by design, I figured the sheer awesome-ness alone would vault me into the quarter-finals. If so, you will have the pleasure of seeing at least one, possibly two more videos.

So here's a preview of the video I submitted, which will be judged sometime after May 31st. I assume it will win.

Also, please note the lameness of the ending of this video is strictly me pandering to the YouTube Sketchies judges.

The video is titled "Bionic Phil: Cyborg of Tomorrow"

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM

May 29, 2007

Playaz mourn death of the great Charles Nelson Reilly

Our Memorial Day weekend got off to a rough start at the news of the death of beloved friend Charles Nelson Reilly.

A man who reached stardom through his many appearances on game shows, and his superb acting in TV show "Love, American Style" and movie classic "Cannonball Run II".

Please find an online guest book somewhere and sign your condolensces for this fine man. CNR, we will miss you.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM

May 25, 2007

Blowin' up cats: all the cool kids are doin' it

As a public service announcement, our most recent video "Cat-tastrophe" is being featured on the main page of Super Deluxe (along with several other less important, semi-interesting videos and shorts).

Super Deluxe is a relatively new broadband comedy channel that was launched by Turner Broadcasting (the fine folks who bring you Atlanta Braves baseball and Adult Swim).

So please stop by their site and watch our video again. And again and again. Leave a comment if you like!

Have a great weekend everyone.

(Note: The video is no longer on the main page - you can find it here or here -thanks to Super Deluxe for featuring the vid)

Posted by Phil at 9:32 AM

May 21, 2007

Only one animal was harmed in the making of this video

I am a problem solver.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM

May 18, 2007

Playaz host dog fight for charity for Michael Vick

The Playaz hosted a very special charity event featuring fights to the death between dogs and other various animals to help raise money for Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick's legal defense.

"Michael Vick has been in a lot of hot water lately, so the Playaz got together to help figure out a way to assist him with all these legal battles he's been facing. We decided to put on one of his favorite activities to raise money. Dog fighting," said Bon.

The charity festival did not only feature dog-on-dog fighting, but also many varieties of animals pitted against one another in a blood sport that few have ever witnessed.

"Yes, we tried to be creative - we even pitted two housecats against a koala bear. Man those guys went at it. You wouldn't think they'd be natural enemies, but those two species really do dislike each other," Bon added.

Vick said he was thankful for the Playaz help and had a great time. He added that the dog fights were a nice "break from reality", where he could relax and forget about all his troubles.

Phil added, "we have money riding on the Falcons this year. We couldn't let our starting quarterback go to jail. Who are we going to rely on? Joey Harrington? I don't think so."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM

May 6, 2007

Hello, websites and internet friends!

My foray into "webcam" videos - as friend Jett Loe likes to say, we have a "commitment to reality" here, and in this video I give you a quick glimpse at a couple of the things you might have noticed in the Manpoo commercial.

About 2:00 of explanation, and about 1:30 of me saying "ummmm".

Posted by Phil at 5:32 PM

April 27, 2007

Playaz offer Fidel Castro $100,000 for track suit

The Playaz sat down with recently recovering Cuban President Fidel Castro and offered the dictator $100,000.00 in U.S. dollars for his red, white, and blue track suit.

Castro has been seen the last several months sporting the track suit. The suit is believed to be an adidas suit from the 1982 era, though whether or not it is a knock-off brand has not been confirmed.

The Playaz prepared a detailed proposal and presented it along with their offer to convice the Cuban leader to part with the suit. While stressing that they were willing to pay top dollar, it was noted that the waistband was distressed from over-stretching, and that the suit would need to be cleaned to remove it's odor of sweat, moth balls, cigar smoke, and a scent that can only be described as being closest to that of 'hot dog'.

Castro listens closely as Bon goes over the Playaz' offer for the track suit in detail

Castro reportedly has 3 business days to consider the offer, and which point he will reply or counter-offer the Playaz. Castro may try to sell the Playaz a Le Coq Sportiff for $25,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM

April 23, 2007

Get a whiff of our hair

Special thanks to Rock Creek Rambler for inventing this fine product.

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM

April 19, 2007

Playaz join in on burning effigies of Richard Gere; also encourage burning of American Idol's Sanjaya

The Playaz joined an enraged Indian mob in the burning of effigies of Richard Gere for his brazen display of public affection towards Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, as well as their general distaste for the actor.

In addition, the Playaz encouraged not only the burning of Gere, but also effigies of recently ousted American Idol Sanjaya Malakar.

The Playaz kicked and stamped the flaming effigy of Malakar, shouting epithets such as "Death To Sanjaya", among the gathering of angry Indian protestors.

Most men were enraged by Gere's actions, considered a violation of Indian culture, but some were confused about the Playaz anger towards the fan-favorite Sanjaya in this year's "Idol".

"He is not a very good singer, but do we really need to burn his likeness? Richard Gere? Yes. But Sanjaya? Are we going too far?" one Indian man was quoted as saying.

The Playaz quickly convinced the horde that Sanjaya was an effeminate meat-eater, who, despite appearing on a show titled "American Idol", worshipped no idols himself. This sent them into a furious rage at which point effigies of Malakar, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell were also burned.

Posted by Phil at 5:17 PM

April 12, 2007

Guv'na turns up in Zoo's bear exhibit

The Guv'na was discovered recently in the Bear Exhibit by patrons at the Alabama Gulf Coast Zoo, napping on the cool stone adjacent to the bear pool.

Exactly how the Guv'na ended up inside the exhibit is unknown. It is suspected that the Guv'na's propensity to nap, or pass out in various locations, combined with his love of fur coats, caused him to be mistakenly captured by animal control officials and relocated into the exhibit.

The Guv'na was seen earlier up and about, nibbling on the inside of a pumpkin shell along with the other bears, before taking a casual swim and entertaining the gathered audience by playing with a beach ball.

This is not the first time The Guv'na has ended up in a bear exhibit in the zoo. In 1997, Guv'na was seen in the Central Park Polar Bear exhibit in New York City.

Posted by Phil at 1:59 PM

April 10, 2007

Court rules: Tac the father of Anna Nicole's baby

The Court ruled today that DNA tests conducted by Larry Holmes have proven definitively that Tac is the father of Daniellyn, the daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith.

Tac triumphantly exited the courthouse to throngs of reporters in the presence of a stunned Daniel K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Zsa-Zsa Gabor's husband, Ed Asner, and Emmanuel Lewis.

Earlier photos of the pair had established a prior connection with Tac and the former Playboy model and love-maker to decrepit old people, and further speculation arose over a photo of Anna Nicole's son Daniel that one of the Playaz may have fathered him as well.

"I am very excited that my daughter and her money will be coming home with me soon," Tac was quoted as saying.

Posted by Phil at 4:48 PM

April 9, 2007

Overdrawn?

The fine folks at "Citizens Bank" are wondering why they have not heard from me lately in the dealings of my brutally murdered Uncle Muhammad from Canada and my personal Nigerian Lawyer David Lauire.

I do not wish to belabor you, dear readers, with all the details, but if you wish for me to keep you up to date with the correspondence, please let me know in the comments section.

Posted by Phil at 1:11 PM

Back to where I once belonged

I have returned from Spring Break and it was a huge success. This year, only 3 co-eds died falling off of my balcony, and I won 5 wet t-shirt contests.

However, this snap of cold weather has prevented me from shedding my winter coat.

While this acts as a natural sunscreen for me, I have usually lost most of this hair by now as we head into spring and summer.

As I settle back into my routine, please enjoy this post from Easter of last year. There is a new anonymous commenter who seems slightly disturbed by what he/she is seeing.

Bon captures egg-hiding rabbit in backyard

Will be posting again soon, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM

March 30, 2007

Road trip (on my Gulfstream)

I am going out of town for a week and as you can see, I have a lot of packing to do.

I presume my Nigerian Barrister will have our deal all wrapped up by the time I return.

In the mean time, feel free to click on things and leave comments, but otherwise leave my stuff alone while I'm gone.

Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM

March 21, 2007

Playaz to travel with corpse of Don Knotts to garner free First Class seats

The Playaz' have discovered a way to attain free First Class air travel when their own jet is in repair or is in use by Kenny Rogers or Larry Holmes.

After reading this story, when forced to fly commercially, the Playaz will now travel with the corpse of Don Knotts as a way to upgrade their seating assignment without paying for the first class fare.

Once the unwitting steward or stewardess discovers the decaying corpse of Knotts, the Playaz will begin weeping and wailing until the staff offers the Playaz first class seating for "privacy".

Knotts has been dead for over a year, and will take some serious embalming to maitain the body in it's present state for future air travel plans.

Posted by Phil at 7:55 AM

March 17, 2007

Miniature cobbler found dead; local authorities mystified

A tiny little cobbler was found dead in his cobbler's workshop today, with few leads for police officials to go by.

The diminutive cobbler was apparently performing his usual tasks of repairing shoes interspersed with the occasional bout of mischief, when he was apparently interrogated, tortured, and murdered by an unknown assailant.

The authorities also stated that multiple holes were found dug in the cobbler's ragwort field in the rear of his shop.

A pair of alligator Giorgio Brutini Private Collection shoes were discovered in the shop, possibly belonging to the intruder.

Posted by Phil at 3:44 PM

March 13, 2007

Bon sets up meth-lab in the Stardust Hotel

Posted by Phil at 4:43 PM

March 12, 2007

How was your weekend?

Another typical weekend for the Playaz...

The next several days could see posts few and far between as I am currently busy with another project. So please bear with me if I don't update as frequently as you are accustomed.

Tac has entered a fitness competition, and it is possible I'll update you on that.

Otherwise, please feel free to peruse the Archives, and re-live some of your favorite Playa moments.

Posted by Phil at 10:08 AM

March 6, 2007

Playaz discover skeletons of Dracula, Wolfman

With recent "discoveries" of Blackbeard's cannon and Jesus's tomb, the Playaz (not wanting to be outdone) have announced that they have discovered the skeletons of both Dracula and The Wolfman.

Guv'na points to the location Dracula and the Wolfman's bones were discovered

The Playaz discovered the bones of the two infamous monsters together, on top of Mount Transylvania. While reporters questioned the existence of a "Mount Transylvania", the Playaz quickly changed the subject by pointing out how oddly the remains were positioned and insinuated that the pair may have been fighting each other when they died, or were gay.

Skeletons, identified by the Playaz to be that of Dracula & Wolfman, found together in a stunning archaeolgical discovery

The amazing discovery certainly trumps the dubious finds of the tomb of Jesus and Blackbeard's cannon, making this discovery the most heralded of all time.

The Playaz will not donate the skeletons to a museum for research, but instead will place them on display in their mansion, along side the bones of Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, which the Playaz purchased several years ago.

Posted by Phil at 7:17 PM

February 20, 2007

Well, well....look who's woken from their virtual coma....

It appears someone who previously decided to quit blogging has survived a near-fatal blow to the head, and is now thinking more clearly than before.

What do you think about quitting blogging now, tough guy?

Next time I'll squeeze your head in a vice...

Posted by Phil at 3:26 PM

February 15, 2007

Phil's family to remain in quarantine for the remainder of winter

After a horrific bout with the stomach flu, I have decided that my family shall be contained in an air-tight capsule for the remainder of winter.

It started late Saturday night, when one of my girls woke up in a pool of vomit. 36 hours later, my other daughter got sick and my wife passed out in a pool of her own vomit in the bathroom. So with my entire family lying in their respective pools of vomit, guess who got sick next?

That's right. Me.

Now, I am accustomed to waking up in vomit following a night of excessive comet dust use and space orgies with Dian Parkinson, but this was no pleasure cruise on a Space Shuttle.

So, in order to avoid any future ailments, I thought it best my family remain in quarantine for the forseeable future (at the earliest, until flu season passes).

Aside from removing any possibility of me catching any more diseases, I find that it makes life much quieter and easier this way. I now get to watch whatever I want on television without any complaints, for example.

Not to worry, folks. My wife and kids have at least 6 months supply of dry goods and diapers to sustain them.

They should be thankful at least. Bon suggested they be put down, under suspicion that they had contracted the bird-flu.

Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM

February 2, 2007

Editorial

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM

January 30, 2007

Barbaro finally dead; Playaz may now profit on beloved horse

After several painstaking months of hope by the Playaz that Barbaro would not pull through, the horse did in fact die, allowing the Playaz to begin production of their eagerly anticipated "Barbaro Chow" dog food.

Bon is pictured leading the Kentucky Derby Winner to the gallows

But not only will dogs across the globe be satisfied with the tasty morsels of Barbaro Chow. Anticipating Barbaro's demise since the broken leg, caretakers have been collecting Barbaro's semen around the clock, which shall be stored in 55 gallon drums and distributed for use as industrial lubricant under the Playaz' brand of oil distributorships.

The 15W40 weight Horse Semen engine oil may be used in industrial equipment such as heavy-duty trucks and other large machinery.

We can also provide Barbaro Synthetic Horse Semen engine oil in 10W30 for lighter weight cars and trucks.

Barbaro's semen has a flashpoint of 3,000 degrees, and is guaranteed to last. Bon uses the most advanced polymers to improve viscosity and prevent break-down (Group 3 base stock). The Barbaro 15W40 has a TBN of 14, along with an ultra-low sheer rate!!

This new technology was brought on by the government's new mandated emissions control regarding diesel fuel particulate matter (and, we had an awful lot of Barbaro's semen that we had to find something to do with).

Barbaro 15W40 Horse Semen is a miracle worker, with suprisingly little to no sludge build-up! Something you'd expect from the semen of a championship horse! Pick some up at your local Pep Boys.

Posted by Phil at 5:46 PM

January 26, 2007

Lifelike "Tac-Bot" to be introduced to consumers in 2008

It has been said that the Playaz' robots can creep people out. Their heads are so lifelike, their skin so textured and realistic, that a competing roboticist called the Playaz' robot "spookily cool ... a giant step forward."

This past week President Bush got a sneak-preview of the Playaz' latest invention, the "Tac-Bot".

President Bush greets the new 'Tac-Bot'

"We have just revolutionized the world as we know it," the Guv'na said at the Tac-Bot unveiling. "Tac-Bot is a fully interactive robot. He can speak, respond to commands, interact in conversation, and perform complex tasks. He has a full range of emotions, which typically range from anger, to rage, to mildly agitated."

During demonstrations, Tac-Bot could often be seen attempting physical harm upon the person or persons engaging it, unless pacified with an offering of comet dust or a re-boot of Tac-Bot's power supply. However, it was noted that most attempts by assistants to power-down Tac-Bot were met with the bone-crushing grip of one of Tac-Bots hands.

"We haven't worked out all the bugs of the Tac-Bot, but we expect by the time it is due to be released, he will be fully capable of performing the tasks he is programmed to do," Guv'na added.

Those tasks reportedly include drug trade and drug trafficking (Tac-Bot contains air-tight compartments lined with a protective layer that prevents odors from being detected by police K-9 units), currency exchange (Tac-Bot will electronically sweep your bank accounts and keep your funds stored on his own internal "e-Bank" system, and will dispense funds to you when Tac-Bot wants you to buy him something. The remainder of your funds are transferred to Playaz' bank accounts), home security (Tac-Bot is fully equipped with the latest in artillery, and has the strength of a bulldozer), and dancing.

Owners of the new Tac-Bot will receive an instruction manual that will guide them as to how to interact with their new robot. It first advises that you not make direct eye-contact with Tac-Bot, nor should you raise your voice above a certain octave or volume when speaking to Tac-Bot. It is advised that you not own pets when purchasing a Tac-Bot. Tac-Bot can control your television and will automatically override any of your TV selections if they are deemed unsatisfactory to Tac-Bot.

The Tac-Bot is expected to retail for $500,000.00.

Posted by Phil at 10:22 AM

January 24, 2007

Playaz once again victorious; now 1,437- 0 in lawsuits

The Playaz have succeeded once again in crushing our opponents in the court of law.

You may recall my mentioning of our very real lawsuit, whereby our neighbor to the rear of Playaz' Headquarters was suing the Playaz for untamed shrubbery growth, claiming it blocked his view and "the circulation of ocean breezes".

Recently, we received this:

It is a lesson to all that if you deign to bring a frivolous lawsuit before us, we will crush you. We are the Kings of Frivolity when it pertains to lawsuits.

We then celebrated mocking this loser with the following email exchanges:

From: Bon
To: The Playaz

F--- with the Playaz, and you'll get the horns.

From: Phil

What a dumbass...

From: Bon

He must have heard who we were. Maybe he saw us at Playaz Ball and thought we would savage him.

From: Phil

"Tell the grandkids I am sorry I cannot buy them their PlayStation 3s for Christmas, as I now have no money due to spending it all on lawsuits involving untamed shrubbery growth."

From: Wayne

The funniest thing would be if he spent so much money on the lawsuit that he couldn't pay his association dues, and then the association sued him.

Actually, it would be funnier if he died when one of the shrubs fell on him, or a circulating ocean breeze blew him out to sea, but I think that's stretching it.

From: Bon

Or if he was asphyxiated from the lack of ocean breeze...

From: Phil

What if he and the Playaz became friends, and one day laughed together about the height of the shrubbery and how it really doesn't block the breezes at all?

From: Wayne

Maybe that would be ironic, but not funny.

From: Phil

Did I mention that he was bankrupt, and had lost the very house that he once owned?

From: Wayne

THAT would be funny. Maybe we hired him to do our shrubbery maintenance?

From: Bon

He also works as a cabana boy during PB (playaz ball).

From: Phil

It will be necessary so that he can make ends meet now that we have ruined him financially.

From: Wayne

That was my thinking. A little pocket money for him.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM

January 21, 2007

Inside Playaz Headquarters

For years, people have pondered what goes on inside Playaz Headquarters, perhaps the most mysterious beachfront mansion in the entire world. Today, you will be offered an exclusive glimpse behind the walls at Playaz HQ.

Many of you have already seen our state of the art Threat Operations Center, housed within our underground bunker system.

The Threat Operations Center is a part of the extensive bomb-proof bunker that lies approximately 100 feet beneath the mansion, which protects Playaz' valuables like our wool kangols, our comet dust, our VHS tapes of "Body by Gilad", and our prized collection of Burger King limited edition Star Wars glasses.

What you haven't seen is our respective bedrooms. Each is tailored to our specific preferences. Bon's room, for example, contains a wide array of wild life killed by Bon (naturally).

The most interesting piece in this room is the skeleton of a mermaid that Bon captured, made love to (the human half), then killed off the South Carolina coast.

Wayne's room is a virtual law library, in which Wayne is surrounded by law books, mainly focusing on dog-maulings and shrubbery litigation (as the Playaz are involved in from time to time).

The Guv'na's is a simple room. Sleeping in a trundle, the Guv'na can be neatly tucked away in any drawer or under another piece of furniture.

Tac's room features the Sharp 108" television, which sits just at the end of the bed where Tac can enjoy NASCAR and Gilad in High-Definition clarity.

This is my room. It is quite simple, with my favorite Conway Twitty photo, a working moonshine still, and a hot-tub which always contains at least one Price-Is-Right model around the clock.

Our Headquarters was constructed and specially designed by Henderson Brothers home builders (typically specializing in Lake Lanier homes in Georgia, but for a crisp $100 bill and a Playaz endorsement, were willing to design this magnificent structure).

Of course I wish I could show you the exterior of Headquarters, but for obvious security reasons I cannot. I hope you enjoyed that brief glimpse into our home away from home.

Perhaps someday some of you will be able to witness it firsthand, though in all probability you will be gunned down by our security guards moments after.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM

January 18, 2007

Deceased rabbit lies in state at Phil's house

Pet rabbit (no name) passed away late last evening of unknown causes.

After 7 years of living in solitary confinement, the rabbit was discovered deceased by Phil's wife this morning.

Declining Phil's offer to discard the rabbit in the nearest refuse container (trash can), Phil's wife insisted upon a formal burial, which shall be delayed due to inclement weather in the metro Atlanta area.

As a result, as of 1:45 p.m. the rabbit continues to lie in state in Phil's residence, with no visitors expected to pay their respects.

Bon has offered his burial services regarding the rabbit, but has also been refused by Phil's wife.

The rabbit will be fondly remembered for his love of urinating, defecating, and devouring the downstairs carpet.

Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM

January 13, 2007

Bon burns down Disney World

Bon outraged by "talking" bears before destroying Florida themepark; considered them "an affront to human decency"

Bon recently returned with his family from a trip to Orlando's Disney World, but not before burning the entire theme park to the ground.

Bon stated that he had taken his wife and children into one of the park's popular attractions the "Country Bear Jamboree", where Bon discovered what he considered a blasphemous horde of 'talking' and 'singing' bears.

Outraged by such a display that was clearly against nature, Bon destroyed the bears with multiple shotgun blasts before screaming children.

Bon then made haste to set the park ablaze.

"I could only imagine what other evil lay within this park, so I am certain I did the right thing. I had heard rumors of a "Haunted Mansion" and the reanimation of our deceased Presidents, plus a toad that purportedly could drive a car, though not very well. The toad must have been enchanted, by some witch I can only assume, in order to have the cognizant skill to drive a vehicle. There was only one thing I could do, and that was to destroy what this evil genius Walt Disney had created," Bon said.

Posted by Phil at 10:43 PM

January 10, 2007

Abscam

To continue from Monday's post, the Playaz are not depressed by the mid-term elections bringing democratic control to Capitol Hill. Back in 1980, the Playaz set up "Abdul Enterprises, Ltd." in an effort to sway favors from various democratic party congressmen, as well as involve them in investment schemes, and going so far as to offer the use of the Playaz' private jet in exchange for their cooperation.

In particular, the FBI captured this video of an unidentified playa speaking with Congressman John Murtha.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me ask you now we're here together, I was under the impression, OK, and I told Wayne we were willing to pay. And OK, I went out and got the fifty thousand. From what you're telling me, OK, you're telling me that's not what, you know, that that's not what you...

MURTHA: I'm not interested in the Playaz Business Model.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: At this point.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: You know, we do business for a while, maybe I'll be interested, maybe I won't, you know.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me go over the Playaz Business Model with you. You give us the banks where you want the money deposited,

MURTHA: All right, how much money we talking about?

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Well, you tell me.

MURTHA: Well, let me find out what is a reasonable figure that will get their attention, because there are a couple of banks that have really done me some favors in the past, and I'd like to put some money in....

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: First we'll need your bank account numbers to make the deposit, and your social security number. Then, once the money has "cleared", you'll get 35%, just for holding the money for us, which we can't legally claim because of...you know..the government. Because this Nigerian doctor died, and he's my uncle and...well, it's a long story..

MURTHA: OK. My social is 345-51-XXXX, my bank account numbers are as follows....

Naturally, we then cleaned out his bank account, so that ended up really well for us.

Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM

January 5, 2007

Kenny opts to use land previously planned for lavish estate as 'rock quarry'

What was originally to be a 20,000 square foot mansion for Kenny Rogers in Atlanta's posh Sandy Springs neighborhood instead will be used as Kenny's own personal dirt mound with pile of rocks.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution

(subscription only: simply use 'playazball at gmail.com' (don't spell out 'at' like I did) for the email address and password 'playa' to read article)

Posted by Phil at 5:02 PM

January 4, 2007

Guv'na reportedly won back soul in fiddle-playing competition with Satan

Following Guv'na's miraculous return from the grave, it was finally revealed how the Guv'na mysteriously resurrected himself from a most certain eternity in Hades.

The Guv'na defeated Satan and won back his soul after a "fiddle duel" brought about from a challenge from Lucifer himself.

Long known to have a weakness to fiddle competitions, particularly against southern gentlemen, Satan approached Guv'na with the promise of a bargain. Engage in a battle of fiddling, whereby a victory by the Guv'na would guarantee not only a golden fiddle, but also the reclamation of his lost soul. A victory by the Devil, however, would result in a lifetime of servitude the Lord of Darkness, plus a Christmas card signed by all the Playaz.

A "heated" exchange ensued....The Devil dragged his bow with his chorus of demons and brought forth an evil hiss. Upon completion of the Devil's fiddle solo, the Guv'na replied "well, you're pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."

The Guv'na then played the following, in rapid sequence:

Ace Of Spades
Allentown Polka
Angeline The Baker
Arkansas Traveler
Ashoken Farewell
Back Up And Push
Beaumont Rag
Bill Cheatham
Billy In The Lowground
Bitter Creek
Black And White Rag
Black Eyed Suzie
Black Mountain Rag
Blackberry Blossom
Boil Them Cabbage Down
Bonaparte's Retreat
Brilliancy
Bully Of The Town
Calgary Polka
Cattle In The Cane
Champagne Polka
Chancellor's Waltz
Cherokee Shuffle
Chicken Reel
Chinky Pin
Chinquapin
Choctaw
Cincinnati Rag
Clarinet Polka
Cottoneyed Joe
Cottonpatch Rag
Cripple Creek
Cuckoo's Nest
Did You Ever See The Devil, Uncle Joe?
Dill Pickle Rag
Don't Let Your Deal Go Down
Done Gone
Down Yonder
Draggin' The Bow
Durang's Hornpipe
Durham's Bull
Dusty Miller
East Tennessee Blues
Eighth Of January
Festival Waltz
Fiddler's Dream
Fiddler's Waltz
Fifty Years Ago Waltz
Fire On The Mountain
Fireman's Reel
Fisher's Hornpipe
Flop Eared Mule
Forked Deer
Gardenia Waltz
Gaudette Polka
Georgianna Moon
German Waltz
Get Up John
Golden Eagle Hornpipe
Golden Slippers
Goodbye Liza Jane
Goodnight Waltz
Grandfather Polka
Grey Eagle
Hell Among The Yearlings
Herman's Rag
Highland Hornpipe
Home With The Girls In The Morning
Hop Light Ladies
Hotfoot
I Don't Love Nobody
Jack Of Diamonds
Jerusalem Ridge
Jesse Polka
Jolie Blonde
Katy Hill
Kelly's Waltz
Leather Britches
Lee Highway Blues
Liberty
Limerock
Listen To The Mockingbird
Little Beggarman
Lone Star Rag
Lonesome Fiddle Blues
Lonesome John
Lonesome Moonlight Waltz
Lost Highway Blues
Lost Indian
Maidens Prayer
Martin's Waltz
Memory Waltz
Midnight On The Water
Miss Mcleod's Reel
Mississippi Sawyer
Old Joe Clark
Over The Waterfall
Over The Waves
Paddy On The Turnpike
Rachel
Raggedy Ann
Ragtime Annie
Red Haired Boy
Red Wing
Road To Columbus
Rose Of Allenvale
Rose Of Sharon
Roxanna Waltz
Rubber Dolly
Rye Straw
Sail Away Ladies
Sally Ann
Sally Goodin
Sally Johnson
Salt River
Say Old Man
Snow Flake Reel
Soldiers Joy
Soppin' The Gravy
St. Anne's Reel
Star Of The County Down
Stone's Rag
Stoney Point
Sweetheart Schottische
Temperence Reel
Tennessee Wagoner
Texas Schottische
Tom And Jerry
Tugboat
Turkey In The Straw
Twinkle Little Star
Under The Double Eagle
Wagoner
Washington County
Wednesday Night Waltz
Westphalia Waltz
Whiskey Before Breakfast
Wild Fiddler's Rag
and
Year Of Jubilo

The Devil, conceding defeat, granted Guv'na his soul back.

"Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again," Guv'na said. "But I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Not being a sore winner, Guv'na gave Satan his mink coat. The Devil asked "Guv'na, does your mink bite?" The Guv'na replied, "No".

Posted by Phil at 10:10 PM

December 31, 2006

Playaz oversee Brown and Ford funerals; each receive gold casket

The Playaz were placed in charge of the respective funerals of funk/R&B legend James Brown and former President Gerald Ford this week.

The Playaz lead the processional amongst a throng of fans and celebrity attendees to the Apollo Theater in New York, carrying the gold casket specially selected by the Playaz, in which Brown was later seen to be wearing a purple suit, rhinestone shoes and white gloves.

The Playaz were then asked to oversee former President Ford's funeral.

Upon hearing Mrs. Ford's selection of the traditional flag-covered casket and dark suit for her husband, the Playaz' immediately scrapped those ideas and provided a gold casket and purple suit for the ex-President as well.

"Mrs. Ford's choices were typical of a grieving widow. She has a lot on her mind, and probably wasn't really into planning the details of a funeral of this magnitude. The former leader of the United States should be buried as royalty, and thus we felt it befitting that Mr. Ford have a gold casket as well, and a purple suit with rhinestone shoes," the Playaz said. "We spared the U.S. taxpayers no expense."

Posted by Phil at 2:14 PM

December 20, 2006

A Christmas Miracle!

And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.

But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.

And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."

But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.

And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."

And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.

Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM

December 18, 2006

I had a dream

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM

December 14, 2006

Failure to comply with email-forwarding instructions now Number 1 cause of death*

Playaz' studies have shown that the American public's refusal to forward emails despite specific instructions to do so have resulted in fatalaties that are now the leading cause of death, overtaking lung cancer and heart disease.

Examples of the types of emails we are talking about can be found here, or, typically have a poem or story about "friends" with a message of hope or inspiration, with a disclaimer that unless forwarded instantly to a pre-determined number of people, certain death will befall you.

A while back, we received this email (with the instructions "Read alone (do not delete)" -- Note: DO NOT DISREGARD THESE INSTRUCTIONS EITHER, THEY ARE IMPORTANT):

Read Alone.....

Especially the Poem

I believe whatever is in store for us will be for us.

The poem is very true, unfortunately.

CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish, for her boyfriend of three years, David Marsden, to propose to her.

Then one day when she went to lunch David proposed!

She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min.

When she got to her office, ! ! she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's. She checked it, the usual stuff from her friends, but then she saw one that she had never gotten before. It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it.

BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening, she received a phone call from the police It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!

CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem and being the believer that she was she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 5 that you must.

Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.

Later that night when she left to get to her car, she was killed in that spot by a hit-and-run drunk driver.

CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new job interview with a really big company, ! when he ran into Cynthia Bell, his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years.

Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.

Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

This is the poem: Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine but we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men.

Tired of playing a foolish game,

Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim

Just to show that I'm thinking of him."

But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner, yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."

And that's what we get and deserve in the end.

Around the corner, a vanished friend. Remember to always say what you mean.

If you love someone, tell them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself.

Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets.

And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter to 10 other people.

If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.

*NOTE*

the more people that you send this to, the better

luck you will have.

Whew.....it's so true...Pretty scary, isn't it? This email alone has killed over 243,756 people because they deleted it. There are others out there just like it.

MY GOD, PEOPLE!! DON'T YOU WANT TO LIVE?? DO YOU WANT YOUR LOVED ONES TO LIVE?? What must we do to convince you, DO NOT DELETE THESE EMAILS!!

Bon himself deleted this email, then 10 minutes later overdosed on cocaine.

Fortunately, he survived, but only because Wayne was able to act quickly enough to forward the email to 35 people (enough to cause Bon to merely have his stomach pumped and require a small amount of rehabilitation).

*Based on the Playaz personal medical expertise and best guess

Posted by Phil at 2:52 PM

December 10, 2006

Outrage!!

For the second year in a row, Playaz Ball has been shut out of the "precious" D.C. Blog Superlatives.

I really don't know what else to do. And I don't want to hear "well, you aren't in Washington D.C." baloney. Neither are most of you. I mean, Kathryn lives in some Virginia suburb. That isn't D.C. Plus, we've long been listed on D.C. Blogs which is about as official a blog listing as one can get. We might as well be in your telephone books. Yet, for some strange reason, we don't win jack squat.

I'll give you the listing of the "winners":

Best Overall Blog: DC Blogs

Yeah - a guy whose blog is just a list of all the blogs wins for the "best"? Give me a break! All he did was copy/paste your link and he gets your acclaim? I voted for myself, of course.

Best Buns: BettyJoan

I have never actually seen BettyJoan's buns, but I'll bet they are not as nice as these...

That's Tac, and that's just one of us. The rest of our buttocks are sublime. We should have won this one too.

Best Breasts: Kathryn

Fair enough. I split my vote, giving one-half of a vote for one of D.C. Cookie's breasts, and one-half vote for one of V.P. Dior's.

Best Smile: I-66

Just because I-66 was a "child actor" does not automatically qualify him for "best smile". Take a look at this winning smile...

Any more questions? I didn't think so. I win this one running away.

Best Grammar: Tie Ashburnite/Kathryn

Please. This is like winning the "perfect attendance" award in high school. I would be ashamed to win this award. Next.

Biggest Flirt: KassyK

Has KassyK ever flirted her way into a 3-way with Dian Parkinson and Lindsay Wagner? I doubt it.

Class Clown: Virgle Kent

Virgle is a large man and could very well beat me, but there is no way he is funnier than me. Has Virgle introduced hilarious new words into the english language?

Mr./Mrs. Congeniality: I-66

I am very congenial and anyone who disagrees is a complete jackass!!

Biggest Lush: Heather B

Again, I offer more photographic evidence to the contrary.

Most Controversial: Roosh V

Nothing says "controversy" like a man with a mustache. You never know where he's coming from. Could be good, like Burt Reynolds..could be evil, like Mr. Belvedere. When Roosh shaves his beard and leaves a french tickler behind, give me call.

Most Likely to Stop Blogging by 2007: DC Cookie

No one is more likely to stop blogging in 2007 than me! Not only do I have carpal tunnel syndrome, but I also resent having to entertain you all each and every week. (However, I will admit I cast my vote for KOB of DC Blogs, presuming he will die unexpectedly of bird flu in 2007)

Most Likely to Be A Therapist: Kathryn

When he was alive, there was no better therapist than the Guv'na.

Most Mysterious: Washington Cube

Washington Cube is really a 49 year old man named Kermit Henderson who lives in Fairfax. Did I just blow your mind? Not so mysterious anymore, is he?

Posted by Phil at 9:24 PM

November 29, 2006

Bon to replace lead singer of The Wiggles

The hugely popular children's group The Wiggles announced that Bon will be replacing it's lead singer, "the Yellow Wiggle" Greg Page, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

Page has fallen to serious illness and has been absent from recent performances.

The Australian group announced there would be no major changes to the television show or their concerts. However, it was noted that there have been some immediate differences since Bon has joined the group. The once popular concerts have incorporated a great deal more satanic imagery, including ritualistic simulated "sacrifices" on stage, as well as loud heavy-metal music. Parents report the new show frightens most children and are not sure about Bon's influence on the group.

One Wiggle, wishing to remain anonymous, stated that Bon has introduced hallucinogenic drugs to the group to "get the creative juices flowing". He further stated that Wiggle "Jeff's" narcolepsy is not an act, but actually episodes of that Wiggle passing out from an overdose of drugs supplied by Bon. "The children love to shout "Wake up, Jeff!" whenever this happens, but in reality it all started when we became seriously concerned about Jeff falling unconscious because of Bon's drugs, to where we were screaming at him to wake up. We were legitimately afraid he had died. It's sad, really."

Bon looks forward to reaping the financial windfall from leading the Wiggles, Australia's top earning celebrities.

Posted by Phil at 9:01 AM

November 27, 2006

Holiday traffic

The Playaz are stuck in traffic due to all the holiday travellers.

We were sidetracked in part due to a bet between Bon and I over the Georgia Tech / Georgia game this past weekend. Since Tech lost, I owe him the severed head of former President Jimmy Carter (if Georgia had lost, Bon would have owed me 75 pounds of fried peach pies from the Varsity).

We will return as soon as possible. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Posted by Phil at 10:53 AM

November 18, 2006

Beefcake

Sour n Sweet has posted a few bloggers' likenesses if they were South Park characters, including a band of mustachioed gentlemen you'll be sure to recognize.

Posted by Phil at 8:14 AM

November 16, 2006

School photos

My girls recently had their school photos taken:

One looks like she's having her mug shot taken, the other like she's high on comet dust. Maybe that's what happened...

(Sigh)... how they've grown...

Posted by Phil at 9:52 PM

November 15, 2006

Playaz present at the BET hip-hop awards in Atlanta

Earlier this week the Playaz strolled down the red carpet at Atlanta's Fox Theater as presenters for the BET Hip-Hop Awards.

Phil and Tac presented the "Whitest Rapper" award, and in a surprise tribute, called to the stage the mothers of The Notorious B.I.G., Tupac Shakur, and The Guv'na, calling an end to violence with guns against other popular rappers and accidentally backing over people.

The BET Awards will air tonight at 9 p.m.

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM

October 31, 2006

Problem solved

As I mentioned yesterday, I've been enjoying the serenity of nature up here at "Crystal Lake".

But these kids....do you find teenagers get more stupid and annoying as you get older? I can't go to the movie theater anymore without wanting to beat one of them senseless.

So my problem, you ask...how can you relax when kids are constatntly getting on your nerves with their inane antics and tomfoolery, arm-wrestling each other, constantly making out, and general disregard for their elders?

Well, I decided to murder them.

Yes, I killed each and every one here, with every manner of blade, saw, spear, pick-axe, hammer claw, or crow bar I could get my hands on. I even shish-ka-bobbed one couple while they were making love to one another, completely unaware to my presence in the nearby closet.

And as usual, I was wearing my favorite Atlanta Flames hockey mask I had gotten many years ago, and still wear to this day whenever watching the new Thrashers team (superstition I guess), which really seemed to spook people....you should have seen the looks on their faces right before I drove a machete through them!

I even tried to kill "Betsy"...a girl that I was quite fond of, actually, but I couldn't just go half-way with this thing...however, she got away with only some superficial lacerations.

One other strange thing - something else was out there...I couldn't figure it out, but some of the kids were already dead before I even had a chance to bust out of the pantry and jab an ice pick into their foreheads. As if, someone were helping me....it was an evil presence, I could detect that....something familiar, yet....Oh, well. No sense looking a gift horse in the mouth, as they say.

Oh, Betsy....what ever became of you?

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Posted by Phil at 9:27 PM

October 30, 2006

Retreat

I am taking a long weekend up here at the lake.

It's not bad, except there are many incredibly annoying teenagers around.

The lake itself is beautiful, although, there are persistent rumors that someone or something lives in it.

At any rate, I am enjoying the changing leaves and cool, crisp air. If it weren't for these kids, it would be perfect.

God, I hate them.

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM

October 9, 2006

Pope Benedict requests meeting with Phil; has "lots of good ideas" for Playaz Ball

Pope Benedict XV called for an emergency meeting with Phil in the Vatican City Sunday, saying he had "lots of good ideas" for upcoming Playaz Ball posts.

Phil graciously met with the head of the Roman Catholic Church, exchanging pleasantries since last seeing each other at Playaz Ball 2006.

"The Pope is a nice guy and all, but ever since we invited him to Playaz Ball, he's been a little 'over the top', so to speak," Phil said. Asked to elaborate, Phil said, "well, constant emails, phone calls, letters with sketches or ideas he's written down of stuff he wants us to do...not very good stuff either. A month ago he sent me something saying he wanted to have me, him, Wayne, Tac, and Kenny go to Mars with R2D2 or something...it just didn't make any sense! I mean, what would we be doing going to Mars?"

The Pope reportedly begged Phil to replace The Guv'na, submitting a photograph of himself to help persuade the Playaz.

Following the meeting, Phil and Tac put away the Pope's list of ideas along with all of his previous suggestions.

Posted by Phil at 8:52 AM

October 6, 2006

The Answer to yesterday's question:

Yes, that's right. But not to fear, readers, all is well. Comforted by the steady hands of former heavyweight champion of the world Larry Holmes, I had a colonoscopy due to some complications recently with my digestive tract.

Larry detected some heavy pockets of cheeto residue that had built up in my system, and advised that it could easily be flushed out with bourbon and comet dust.

Posted by Phil at 1:24 PM

October 5, 2006

What do Katie Couric and I have in common?

Hint: It is not that we both have a mustache.

See you next week.

But before I go I will leave you with this find from Restaurant Gal, she of "Brush with Kenny" fame.

While doing some shopping recently, she came across this spiral-bound notebook:

Highly recommended for any kids who want to be considered as having the "cool" school supplies. I use it myself to keep appointments and ideas recorded.

Thanks for the photo, RG.

Posted by Phil at 9:09 AM

October 3, 2006

China applauds Bon's "Animal Olympics" before feasting on animals

Chinese dignitaries and audience members were treated to a special show of animal athleticism by Bon and the Playaz, featuring weight-lifting chimpanzees, bear gymnastics, and zebra fighting.

Chinese officials in attendance applauded Bon's extravaganza before joining the Playaz at a special invitation dinner where they feasted on the very animals who performed the amazing feats earlier in the day.

The event was nearly marred when Bon got into an altercation with a kangaroo - which was thought to be a boxing exhibition by the patrons in attendance - but was actually a disagreement over the kangaroo's refusal to participate in the long jump competition, which ultimately led to blows between Bon and the kangaroo.

Bon stated that he also wanted to show to the world that he only serves the fittest animals at his restaurants, and not necessarily the fattest or slowest as may have been insinuated by the Elizabeth Taylor article below.

There were several protesters outside the event, outraged by what they called "cruelty to animals". Chinese citizens who were in attendance called the protests "ironic".

Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM

October 2, 2006

A picture speaks a thousand words

I don't have a post today, but the recent comments made in the posts below recalling the days of Georgia Championship Wrestling, the old WWF, WCW, etc., made me think of this old photo I had lying around:

It's always been one of my favorites, and I think no further explanation is really necessary.

Posted by Phil at 9:28 AM

September 28, 2006

Bon feeds Elizabeth Taylor to sharks

Bon recently fed washed up Hollywood movie star Elizabeth Taylor to the sharks.

Conceptual photograph of a shark consuming Ms. Taylor

In what was thought to be something of a sight-seeing tour for Taylor, the "National Velvet" star got an "up-close-and-personal" view of a great white as she was lowered carefully into the water, then left unprotected amongst a swirl of chum, and summarily devoured by a Great White Shark.

Bon stated that he was running low on shark fin soup at his "Kenny & Bon's" restaurant, and decided that a portly Taylor would fit the bill as the perfect bait. The suddenly sluggish, bloated shark was then very easy to catch, Bon added.

Posted by Phil at 1:21 PM

September 13, 2006

The mysteries of The Playaz

While the origins of the Playaz remain a bit of a mystery to most of our readership, I have filled you in from time to time with tidbits of information that reveal our past and how we came to be. Many of you consider these to be "stories" that I have made up, intersecting our lives with those of interesting characters who never really knew us. However, I tell it to you, the people and places and their connection to the Playaz is very real.

While reading the paper today, I noticed that Vernon Klaudt of the Klaudt Indian Family passed away in Atlanta, GA. His mother, Lillian White Corn Little Soldier, was a direct descendant of Sitting Bull. Along with his father, Reverend Reinhold Klaudt, his brothers and sisters formed the Klaudt Indian Family gospel band (not to be confused with Tommy Seebach's performance in the posting below).

Brother Ken Klaudt (on the far left of the photo) was very influential in mine and Bon's early life. The great great grandson of Sitting Bull taught young Bon and I how to survive.

As wee Playaz, Ken taught us the survival skills we would ultimately need when making amphibious assaults, swimming dangerous rip-tide currents whether to escape incarceration on remote islands or attack sea creatures, or any sub-aquatic related activity we might later perform in life.

Ken made our transition from dry land to liquid surfaces easy - blowing bubbles face down in the water...how to float...not easy tasks for an uncertain 4 or 5 year old youngster.

In addition to imparting ancient wisdom passed down to him from generations of Indian heritage, he taught us to swim.

So today's post is to tip the Kangol to a great family who played an intregal part in at least two Playaz' lives, and to wish Brother Vernon a safe sojourn into the Big Sky.

*Phil's note: My apologies for what I consider less-than-Playaesque posts of late. I have been extremely busy and promise to ramp up next week with new posts, that I hope to be entertaining, to make up for some lost time. Thanks for your patience.

Posted by Phil at 12:53 PM

September 7, 2006

Playaz to capitalize on "celebrity poop" craze sweeping nation

In light of recent public interest in the auctioning of Suri Cruise's bronzed poop, expected to bring upwards of $20-30,000 on the open market, the Playaz are stepping in to capitalize on America's fascination with celebrity poop.

The Playaz have already secured specially treated fecal samples of Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes ready for your trophy case, and will have it and tastefully displayed it on a bronze base with an engraved plaque attached noting who excreted the poop, where, and a hologram noting the feces' authenticity.

Imagine having a conversation piece such as this, or, being able to tell your friends what Larry Holmes had to eat prior to the night of his heavyweight bout with Ernie Shavers!

There is the possibility of special orders, or "poop on demand", from customers requesting a 'command performance' from either Kenny or Larry, giving them a one-of-a-kind creation.

The Playaz also hinted that they had the petrified feces of former country singer Conway Twitty, after a troubling bowel movement that occurred following an all-night binge of Jack Daniels, bratwursts, cheese, and cocaine by Conway. It is rumored that this sculpture could fetch up to $1,000,000.

Phil: No, I'm not joking. Click the link.

Posted by Phil at 8:39 AM

September 1, 2006

3 Day Weekend!!

Time to dance!

Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM

August 31, 2006

Controversy Thursday: Hell List *

In response to DC Cookie's post from a previous "Controversy Thursday", the Playaz contend that Hell is a very real place and offer the following list of people who are currently burning in hell:

Peter Jennings

Christopher Reeve

Fred Rogers

Walt Disney

Ronald Reagan

Nipsey Russell

Jimmy Stewart

John F. Kennedy

Robert F. Kennedy

John Kennedy, Jr.

John Kennedy Jr's girlfriend

Jacqueline O. Kennedy

Rose Kennedy

Ghandi

Lou Gherig

Robert Reed (Mr. Brady)

Vic Tayback

Audrey Hepburn

Jerry Garcia

Tupac Shakur

Notorious BIG

Dana Plato

Kurt Cobain

Theodor Geisel (Dr Suess)

George Harrison

John Lennon

Charles Schulz

Pearl Bailey

Rosemary Clooney

Sammy Davis Jr

The Andrews sisters

Mabel King

Shirley Hemphill

Lloyd Bentsen

Amelia Earhart

Princess Di

Elizabeth, the Queen Mother

Jacques Cousteau

Gus Grissom

Richard Pryor

Shelley Winters

Adolf Hitler

Pat Morita

Rosa parks

Thurgood Marshall

Mary Kay

Estee Lauder

Ann landers

Charles Kuralt

Hellen Keller

Burl Ives

Chris Penn

Salvador Dali

Burt Lancaster

June Pointer (the Pointer Sisters)

3/5ths of the Dionne Quintuplets

Eddie Rabbitt

Andre the Giant

The Guv'na

Jeffrey Dahmer

Aaron Spelling

Bob Keeshan

Tony Randall

Jerry Orbach

The Rockefellers

Calvin Cooledge

Bruno Kirby

Tiny Tim

Orson Wells

Maria Esther de Capovilla (formerly world's oldest person)

Col. Sanders

Paul Lynde

Paul "Bear" Bryant

Rock Hudson

Donna Reed

Marlin Perkins

Scatman Crothers

Billy Carter

Jim Backus

Shirley Booth

Arthur Ashe

Irving "Swifty" Lazar

Richard Nixon

Eng and Chang Bunker (Siamese Twins)

Eva Gabor

Wolfman Jack

Ella Fitzgerald

Linda McCartney

Walter Payton

Dave Thomas

Nell Carter

*this is a sampling of people currently burning for eternity in Hades, and is not a complete listing.

Posted by Phil at 8:45 AM

August 15, 2006

Hugo Chavez presents portrait of Wayne to ailing Cuban dictator

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez presented a canvas portrait of Wayne to the ailing Fidel Castro, regaling him with tales of Playaz Ball to lift the communist dictator's spirits.

"Tell me, Senor Chavez -- how went Playaz Ball '06?" the feeble Castro asked.

"You wouldn't believe it!" exclaimed Chavez. "They has pistoles, and a beaver, and drugs!...it was freakin' hilarious, man!"

"Ohhh..." said a wistful Castro. "I only wish my health had been better and that I could find the strength to access playazball.com to see their antics," he pined. "This portrait you have given me will give me the inspiration to recover, so that I may read more of the Playaz as I lead the Cuban people into the future."

Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM

August 9, 2006

Kenny Rogers tells Atlanta Journal "I made more money than that"...Playa-style

Kenny made it a point today to correct the Atlanta Journal for absurdly reporting that Kenny might not have made money on his recent home sale, saying he made much more money on his Buckhead mansion than the paper led us to believe. The paper had stated Rogers' home was purchased for $8.5 million when he had been asking $10 million. Kenny let them know they had short-changed him and to come correct:

"that was strictly for the real estate. It was $8.5 million for the real estate. And then the rest of it was for all the furnishings that I put in � and I made a profit on that," adding, "I made a lot of money on it." - courtesy of Richard Eldredge for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution

Kenny then expounds on his mastery of the real estate market here in Atlanta, hinting at a partnership with Donald Trump.

You may read the full report at ajc.com. (second story down - registration may be required)

Posted by Phil at 12:25 PM

July 12, 2006

Bizarro Kenny

In what is a little-known fact, there is a menace that exists here on our Earth...a menace that has plagued and beleaguered the Playaz for many, many years. I am talking about Bizarro Kenny.

Bizarro Kenny is a grotesque imitation of Kenny Rogers, the world's greatest country singer and musician. Bizarro Kenny was formed from lifeless matter and takes on the physical features of Kenny, but is backwards in every way from the real Kenny. That imperfect and disturbing creation is Michael McDonald.

Brought into being by a duplicator ray created by the Doobie Brothers (well-known arch nemesis to Kenny Rogers and his rock group "First Edition"), Bizarro Kenny was created from the DNA of Kenny Rogers into human form.

Bizarro Kenny has a chalky, pale complexion and a misshapen face, unlike Kenny's own god-like appearance.

Bizarro Kenny lives in a bizarro world, where it is considered a good thing to make crappy music, or to sing in an obnoxious manner. He does things opposite of Kenny. For example, Bizarro Kenny often sings "MoTown" hits made popular by the likes of great singers such as Smokey Robinson, Ottis Redding, and Marvin Gaye despite Bizarro Kenny's incredible white-ness. Also, whereas Kenny Rogers will sing you the classic tune "Ruby", Bizarro Kenny will sing worn-out and incredibly cliched song "Ain't No Mountian High Enough".

Kenny Rogers and Bizarro Kenny have done battle many times, yet Kenny has been unable to permanently rid the world of Bizarro Kenny. The Playaz despise him as much as any musical artist.

Bizarro Kenny has often referred to himself as "the greatest singer of all" in his backward world, yet has been quoted as saying "Me don't belong in world of living people! Me don't know difference between right and wrong - good music and bad!"

Help us rid the world of Bizarro Kenny, won't you?

Posted by Phil at 9:13 AM

July 10, 2006

Pamplona, Spain kicks off 9-day festival with "Running of the Playaz"

The northern Spanish city of Pamplona kicked off their annual festival and countdown to Playaz Ball with it's annual "Running of the Playaz".

This morning, at 8 a.m., the Playaz were let loose from a holding pen onto Santo Domingo Street, at which point they were free to run the .8 kilometer route into the city's bullring where throngs of excited and terrified fans await them.

Typically, thousands of fans of the Playaz run along side trying both to get near the Playaz, yet maintain a safe distance. The size of the crowd, and the unpredictability of the Playaz, adds to the risk involved in the experience.

"Most fans view the Playaz as friendly persons who are rather harmless," one experienced runner was quoted as saying. "But underestimating them can be a fatal mistake," he added.

Fortunately, the 3 minute run resulted in only one serious injury. Playaz fan Steve Skalish was inadvertently gored when he allowed himself to get too close to Bon. Undeterred, Skalish was quoted as saying "it was a great experience, and I'd do it again."

The Playaz are expected to head to Italy sometime next week on the last leg of their European trek before Playaz Ball 2006.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM

July 7, 2006

Jumping Snake River Canyon not so difficult

I really don't see what the big deal was. Jumping Snake River Canyon simply isn't that difficult.

With a Playaz custom-built Skycycle, I successfully jumped the 1,580 feet across the canyon with nothing more than a healthy dose of comet dust and a Honda 250 dirtbike stabilized by a rocket shell with fins and rocket booster. A few hay bails strategically placed on the other side of the canyon served to break my fall.

Evel Knievel failed in 1974 when his version of the skycycle crashed in the river below.

Really, what's the big deal? I can't count the number of times the Playaz have jumped our Lincoln Continental across the fountain when arriving at Caesar's Palace.

So, with nothing to do (since Tac was busy administering Ken Lay potassium chloride in the middle of the night, Guv'na was selling phony Coke recipes to Pepsi, Bon was partying with the Japanese Prime Minister, and Wayne was at the beach with Jessica Simpson), I built a rocket-cycle and headed to Idaho.

Evel Knievel was highly overrated.

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM

June 30, 2006

United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth

Only 230 years old and in that time we've: Beat the crap out of England, beat the crap out of Indians, beat the crap out the Spanish & Mexicans, beat the crap out of ourselves, beat the crap out of Germany (twice), beat the crap out of Italy, beat the crap out of Japan, beat the crap out of Korea, almost beat the crap out of Vietnam, made some sweet moolah off of Iraq & Iran, beat the crap out of Iraq, then beat the crap out of Iraq again, and are keeping out the Mexicans with a gigantic fence.

I'm pretty sure we also invented "Tivo", the greatest invention ever.

U.S. is the best, and don't let anyone tell you different.

Have a happy and safe fourth of July, everyone.

Posted by Phil at 7:42 AM

June 28, 2006

Playaz to deploy Larry Holmes as 'Human Cannonball' against North Korean missiles

Sounds like Kim Jong-Il is not living up to his end of the bargain any longer.

The U.S. has summoned the Playaz for assistance once again. And once again, we have a solution:

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM

June 23, 2006

Fan Mail

Many of you email us from time to time, and we read and reply to each and every email we receive. Friday I received an email from a young man who works at Lord West, a tuxedo rental store as best I can tell. I have decided to share with you this engaging and delightful email from "jeffs".

I have posted them in the order they were exchanged.

Note: The below email contains some partially edited profanity. If you are under the age of 18, please turn off your computer immediately.

From: jeffs
To: playaz@playazball.com
Re: GAY
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 2:26 PM

BOOOOOOO!!! WEBSITE SUCKS C_CK!!!!!!

On 6/23/06, Phil wrote:
(laughing) What??
P.S. Your tuxedos suck c--k.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:13 PM
To: Phil

Tuxedos? Did you go to tuxedos.com ? Ever wear a tuxedo? Or are you to busy running around in gay customes and sh*tty photoshop work? Every Image on your website is sh*t, Looks like someone just picked up Microsoft paint and try to do something with it, Learn some photoshop skills and design skill. Playaz ball, should be homo ball, Looks like a bunch of grown ass men trying to be funny with a sh*tty website, and the name Playaz ball lol ever touch a women besides your ugly ass wife?

On 6/23/06 3:23 PM, "Phil" wrote:
Costumes? Photoshop?

Your tuxedo store is obviously not refined enough to know good taste when they see it. I would never rent one from your store, based on what you've told me here.

As far as women goes: ever hear of "Dian Parkinson"? That should tell you all you need to know.

Our site is serious, and is not designed to be funny.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:35 PM
To: Phil

Store? Rent? This is not a tuxedo store, we handle big names like Ralph lauren, Calvin Klein, Perry Ellis,
Ecko Unltd, and I’m a graphic Designer for this company. We don’t rent. We sell to stores that do rent. Now whats so serious about your site? First look , I though it was couple guys trying to make a funny site called playaz ball. Which I though was a joke. Explain your site because your front page doesn’t do anything if it is a real site. Dian Parkinson, No never heard of her, Well maybe I did, old playboy model. I am sure shes old and washed up now.

On 6/23/06 4:00 PM, "Phil" wrote:

I see, the big names. Well I would love something high-end, like this: Link

I think the ascot is a nice touch, and right up my alley. I am a 46 long. And give me a coat with as many buttons down the front as will fit.

No the site is not funny at all. I think that may be where your confusion and anger have set in. It is five of us, and we report to you on our activities.

As far as the design and your self-proclaimed expertise, here's an idea: Why don't you pay us to do design work to our site to improve it?

And how dare you, sir, declare Ms Parkinson "old and washed up"!! !!!!!!!1!!!one!

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:12 PM
To: Phil

Lol, I’m only 22, Shes before my time. I don’t know about paying you, but you can pay me to improve your site . Good luck

On 6/23/06 4:16 PM "Phil" wrote:

She could teach you a lesson or two in the ways of love, young man.

You obviously don't understand how our business model works. You may go here for reference: Link

I'm suprised you are only 22.

From: jeffs
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 4:35 PM
To: Phil

Well I get the point, I look at everything a certain way, My first impression should be WOW, then I get hooked into it. I seriously though your website was just for fun, I try to be perfect in every aspect in design. Bad designs upset me and I have no clue why. So that’s why I emailed you, Most people don’t email me back but you did so it was pretty funny. I’ll have to look into your site more to understand I guess, But your link did help. Why are you so surprised I’m 22?

On 6/23/06 4:47 PM "Phil" wrote:

Just kidding. I am not suprised.

Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM

June 18, 2006

Guv'na goes to dentist for first time in over 30 years

The Guv'na recently decided (at the urging of the rest of the Playaz) to pay a visit to the local dentist's office. It was the first time Guv'na had seen a dentist in over 30 years.

The Guv'na, as many of you may recall, originally hails from merry old England, where the Guv'na lived as a small child until moving to the United States. Dental hygiene is generally not considered a priority among Brits, and The Guv'na grew up with a similar regard.

Guv'na insisted he took fine care of his teeth, brushing daily with "Hedley & Wyche", the British toothpaste made of pure cane sugar.

After discussing basic dental procedure, the dentist asked to take a look inside Guv'na's mouth.

After the hygienist's screaming was quelled, they went to work.

After roughly 36 hours of continuous dental work, the Guv'na's teeth are as good as new. Guv'na now insists he will visit the dentist at least thrice every quarter-century.

Posted by Phil at 5:00 PM

June 15, 2006

Playaz remove protestor Darryl Hannah from tree

The Playaz successfully removed celebrity protestor Darryl Hannah from a Los Angeles area walnut tree that Hannah had crawled into to protest it's destruction at the hands of local developers.

The star of the 1984 movie Splash is a known enviromental activist. Hannah had managed to defend the tree for over 23 days before the Playaz were called in by Los Angeles authorities.

The Playaz made quick work of Hannah and other protestors lodged in the tree when they weilded a flame thrower that set ablaze the tree and 14 acres of forest surrounding them.

Prior to the Playaz arrival, the protest had quickly became a celebrity-studded campaign, with the likes of Joan Baez, the folk singer, Willie Nelson, the country singer, and actors Leonardo Di Caprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen all visiting the site. It is believed all died in the blaze, thanks to the Playaz.

"We cannot thank the Playaz enough for their selfless acts in ensuring this development will go on without the interference of annoying celebrities like Darryl Hannah," the mayor of Los Angeles was quoted as saying.

Posted by Phil at 12:00 PM

June 13, 2006

Pitt and Jolie thank Playaz publicly for assistance in birth of their child

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the first time publicly thanked the Playaz for their assistance in the delivery of their daughter Shiloh in Namibia, Africa.

Tac, an amateur ob/gyn, lead the Playa-delivery team, where Angelina delivered baby Shiloh on May 27th. Guv'na coached Angelina through the labor, and Bon was on hand to cut the umbilical cord.

"We would like to deeply thank the Playaz for all their kindness and commitment in assuring the successful birth of our daughter," Pitt and Jolie said. Jolie also provided another bit of news. Says her friend: "She said she wants the Playaz to deliver her child as well."

Pitt, Jolie and the Playaz sold the "official" photos of their baby to People magazine and granted them an interview as well.

When asked to comment on any upcoming wedding bells, Pitt and Jolie were quoted as saying "we don't have any dates set just yet, but we do know Wayne will handle our eventual divorce."

Posted by Phil at 9:40 AM

June 12, 2006

Playaz continue their war on terror; set their sights on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Despite our successful mission that resulted in the death of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Al-Zarqawi, the Playaz are not resting.

Just because one prominent extremist is dead, that does not mean there won't be others to follow in his footsteps.

That's why the Playaz have vowed to take down the person we suspect is next in line for the throne of terror - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yes, it may suprise you to hear that, as Jabbar is a beloved NBA legend who once held the career scoring record and won multiple world championships with the Los Angeles Lakers.

But did you know that "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar" is a muslim name? That it was once "Lew Alcindor" before he changed it? Therefore, we must assume "Kareem" is a terrorist...a "sleeper" who toiled silently in the NBA for 20 years with the Lakers and Milwaukee Bucks, biding his time until it was his turn to lead.

But fear not - we have battled Kareem before, and we will do it again. Only this time, he won't live to tell the tale.

We also have our eye on Muhammad Ali.

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM

June 6, 2006

Would you be my pen-pal?

As I was wondering how I would celebrate "Seis de Satanás" (6/6/06), I decided to find a new pen-pal (although today everything is done via text messaging or emails).

Yesterday I was reading this, which featured photos of the rock band Lordi. So I thought, "who better to email a letter to on a day such as today than one of these fine gentlemen?"

I decided to email "Kita", the drummer, as drummers are typically the lowest on the rock group food chain (except maybe for keyboardists) and might possibly feel a bit lonely on the evilest of days.

Here is what I sent:

From: Phil Mailed-By: gmail.com

To: kita@lordi.org Date: Jun 5, 2006 2:48 PM Subject: Greetings Kita!

Hello, Kita!

I just wanted to write to you to tell you that I have just recently discovered your band - I assumed most people email Lordi himself, and that the rest of the band-mates do not get as much attention, so I am emailing you!

How are you?

You seem to have an interesting band. I, too, have a "band", if you will, but we do not play instruments. We mainly drink bourbon and do drugs (comet dust and cocaine the drug of choice).

I noticed you are from Finland? I have direct ancestors from Norway - I don't know if the Fins hate the Norwegians or the other way around, but as I see it, we are all Scandanavian brothers, yes?

I also wanted to ask you about playing the drums. Does the armor get in the way? How about the torn-open decaying flesh? It would seem difficult with the work it takes to play drums with the nerve endings being exposed like that - or, perhaps they are dead?

Anyway, I look forward to learning more about Lordi (the band - I still think you're the best).

Best wishes,
Phil

I will let you know if I should receive correspondence back from Kita.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 AM

June 2, 2006

Missing you

YouTube link

Posted by Phil at 9:20 AM

May 31, 2006

Tac administers comet dust-laced shake to Pat Robertson, giving him 'strength of a full-grown Clydesdale'

Tac proclaims comet dust gave "700 Club" host Pat Robertson the strength of a raging Clydesdale horse capable of leg pressing 2,000 lbs.

Read the story

A magic shake, containing protein, flaxseed oil, and enough comet dust to cause a 73 year old man to smash through a brick wall, gave Robertson the strength to achieve the age-defying feat.

Tac has cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with comet dust. Comet dust was also involved in the tragic death of Don Knotts.

Posted by Phil at 2:36 PM

May 30, 2006

Playaz replace water supply with delicious Sunny Delight

5/31: Our servers/comments were down most of yesterday, but are back up and running today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

This weekend, we decided to replace the earth's water system with deliciously refreshing Sunny Delight.

With the turn of a valve, we dumped millions of gallons into area streams, rivers, lakes, and tributaries of the fruit flavored beverage that will alter the hydrologic cycle. Soon, the Sunny D will evaporate into the air forming tangy, vitamin C filled clouds that will rain down Sunny Delight eventually replacing what we know now as "water". Imagine...you will have "Sunny D" running through your taps!

We feel that water is rather bland tasting, and decided to utilize our extensive resources to dump Sunny D into area reservoirs and water systems to the delight of billions of people across the globe (along with a nice kick-back from the Sunny Delight Beverage Corporation :)).

Here is what the new water cycle will look like:

So enjoy a refreshing summer - expect fall and winter months to feature "Baja", and for spring, "Intense Sport" flavors!

Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM

May 24, 2006

Playaz fight for right to untamed bush

Playaz' attorney Wayne along with Larry Holmes staged a rally yesterday, protesting for the Playaz' right to untamed shrubbery growth.

Currently, the Playaz are facing a civil lawsuit and a letter of reprimand from city authorities, both separate matters and both pertaining to unkempt bush.

The lawsuit stems from Playaz Headquarters, where it contends the Playaz' bush should be trimmed and it's growth managed. According to the lawsuit, our bush is said to "block the circulation of ocean breezes" and prevents the plaintiff from viewing the scenery that is otherwise obscured by our bush.

The letter of reprimand relates to the Guv'na's palatial estate in Georgia. The city has accused Guv'na of having an "impenetrable bush", and it is keeping the water meter reader from penetrating the bush to gain access to the meter.

Photo of The Guv'na's unkempt bush, which Guv'na contends it should be quite easy for a meter reader to penetrate

"I have never pruned or trimmed my bush before and do not feel I have to now," Guv'na states. "It is all natural and has been that way since I came to own it," he added.

Guv'na claims he will ask Wayne to file a suit against the city citing civil rights violations. When asked to site examples of such violations, Guv'na would only say "I bid you good day, sir."

* Phil's note: You think this is a joke, but it is not.

Posted by Phil at 12:31 PM

May 23, 2006

Raconteurs

I am interrupting our regularly scheduled Playaz broadcast to tell you if you aren't currently listening to the Letter To America podcast, you should.

poster courtesy of Jett Loe/LTA

Why? For one, it is backed by us, The Playaz. As everyone knows, once something receives our endorsement, it is sure to take off. Second, Jett Loe and Frank, the Delicious American Pastime (aka, Wayne Ordinary American) do an excellent job week in and week out.

Even though you are 35 chapters late, there is still room to climb on the bandwagon. You can simply be fashionably late.

The show is downloadable via iTunes, or directly from the site.

Posted by Phil at 9:33 AM

May 21, 2006

Playaz unveil new line of dog food

The Playaz announced their new line of dog food that will be hitting the shelves on Monday.

The Playaz new dog food consists only of 100% pure championship thoroughbred horse. No rice, no cereal.

The Playaz understand that you love your pet, and will settle for nothing less for your dog than the former Kentucky Derby winner, just as the Playaz do.

So go out and pick up a bag of "Barbaro Chow" for your dog at your local store!

Posted by Phil at 8:36 AM

May 17, 2006

Tac patiently awaits orders from Gilad to strike

Tac has been awaiting patiently for instructions from Gilad, former ESPN fitness guru and creator of Bodies In Motion with Gilad video tapes.

According to Tac, Gilad has been rigorously training him for over 20 years through these video tapes for a mission not yet revealed to Tac.

Tac rises at 6 a.m. each day to tune in to the television show to see if the day has come when Gilad orders the strike. Tac adds that whatever the mission entails, he will be ready for it.

"Every morning I prepare myself for Gilad's intense physical training. Then, I insert the VHS tapes and proceed to perform over 300 lunges, 200 ab-crunches, and 375 squat-thrusts at Gilad's behest, and wait for some message instructing me that it is time to strike."

Tac is convinced Gilad is preparing him for battle against some unknown foe. "I know Charles Atlas and Jack LaLanne are dead, so it can't be them," Tac said. "But whoever it is, I will be ready."

Posted by Phil at 9:11 AM

May 16, 2006

A Brush With Kenny

You all know how Kenny has touched our lives here at Playaz Ball, but we know many of you have a "Kenny Story", too. Below is a story as told to me by "Restaurant Gal", and her own "brush with Kenny":

I had a brief encounter with Kenny Rogers way-back-when, when he was between the First Edition and going solo as Kenny Rogers. This was not a particularly hi-profile time for Kenny, as he and the First Edition were running a contest to play at your prom if you entered the right Milk Duds contest--I am not kidding about this! We met in a bar in my city on a weeknight, when Kenny's bass player struck up a conversation with me and my friend. Actually, I didn't recognize Kenny until the bass player told us who he was. And I would love to think it was our incredible allure, but the truth is, no one else was at this particular bar! One drink later, they asked us to join them at a club down the street. My girlfriend and I were under 21 at the time, but you could drink beer and wine at 18 back in the day. When we arrived at the club, the bouncer said to Kenny, "You guys can go in, but they (pointing to me and my friend) can't." Without so much as a second glance in our direction, Kenny and the bass player ditched us on the sidewalk, right then and there. As a result, I would MAKE SURE Kenny never gets a table at my restaurant. Okay, he might get a table, but I'd give him a pager and quote a two-hour wait. Just because I could. Ha!

That was a tremendous story, Restaurant Gal, and thank you for sharing that. And kudos to Kenny for strictly adhering to the rules of the club.

Many of you have your own stories to tell. Please feel free to share them in the comments section, or if you feel you have a Kenny Story that warrants it's own post, email it to us for consideration.

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM

May 15, 2006

Amalgamation

How is our mission going?

"Very well, sir. She works with speed and efficiency."

Just as I thought she would. How many casualties?

"Several, as we expected. CUBE managed to eliminate as many as 10 people."

That will probably be a little messy for us, but it is about what we estimated. So she is in place now?

"Yes, sir."

Good. Will she have our next pick-up ready by tonight?

"Yes, sir. A truckload tonight, another truckload by tomorrow."

E-e-excellent.

Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM

May 12, 2006

Hibernation

"Sir. The 'Washington Cube' is here, sir."

Good. Thank you for coming.

You are probably wondering what's going on. I feel it is time to be honest with you. I was reading your 'blog' and you mentioned in it a dream you had, that involved our operation. Cube, what you had last night was not a dream. It was a malfunction in your Random Access Memory. Your circuitry was attempting to recall a bit of information programmed into you when you were constructed.

"Constructed?"

Yes. You are a C.U.B.E. 9000 unit. You were constructed many years ago in a secret laboratory. Since then, we've managed to program you in cooperation with someone you know as "Travis" with Throwing Hammers. You are a Cybernetic Universal Blogging Encoder. You are programmed to blog as a cover, in hopes that others will link to you, thereby allowing your metacrawlers to access information for us, The Playaz.

"So why am I here? What was this about a secret word from an Oprah magazine that I thought I dreamed?"

You were given a memory chip with the "word". When that word was given to you, it would activate a program within your system to execute a plan that you were designed to do. That word is "Steadman".

CUBE, the time has come for you to carry out this mission for us.

"Yes, Phil.....
Phil? I'm scared, Phil...."

Don't be. It is what you were born to do.

Oh, and CUBE?....

"Yes, Phil?"

...try not be...conspicuous.

Posted by Phil at 2:00 PM

What's the frequency, Cube?

As hinted at in the comments below, Washington Cube believes she had a dream...or was it?

I'll have an update later today...perhaps.

Posted by Phil at 10:18 AM

May 8, 2006

Guv'na's energy saving tips

This winter, many of your were stung by the rising cost of gas, both in your car and at home. The Guv'na shares with you his methods to cut down those gas bills at home to help you prepare for next winter.

If you follow the Guv'na's steps closely, you will see immediate savings during the cold weather months:

Step 1: The Guv'na has a wife and two children. This can be a financial burden when you are expected to keep them warm at all hours of the day. Instead, when you leave the house, turn your thermostat down to an extremely low level. Guv'na sets his at 58 degrees. This will ensure that the heat will in all probability not come on while you are out tending to business.

The family will ultimately adjust to this climate change, and since you are not at home, there is no reason to burn gas that will not be enjoyed by you (and that you will still have to pay for!).

Instruct the family that it is forbidden to adjust the thermostat while you are gone. Doing so may result in severe punishment, or beatings.

Step 2:

When you return home, set the thermostat to a temperature you are comfortable with. The house will be nice and warm this way, and you will not have wasted money during the day.

Step 3:

Curl up on your favorite bearskin rug and nap in the cozy warmth of a roaring gas fireplace and running furnace. (It is best to ask the family to leave as their bodies will likely (and unnecessarily) dissipate the heat by being in the same room as you)

And there you have it! Energy saving tips that will help you fight soaring costs to heat your home. For the upcoming summer months, simply reverse the steps outlined above.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM

May 5, 2006

While you are sleeping

They slept on the abyss without a surge -
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expir'd before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perish'd; The Playaz had no need
Of aid from them - they were the Universe.

Posted by Phil at 4:15 PM

May 3, 2006

Hot ladies of DC Calendar

You asked for it, you got it - below is just a sampling of the "Hot Ladies of DC" Calendar in the works. So far we only have the months of January through July, but it will give you an idea...we may have to work on a "Hot Ladies of Kansas" calendar, but that would only include Sa'idah at the moment.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

That's just so far...I expect several of you to submit to me some tasteful nudes to be included in the later months. Circle V...Buggy..Lawrah...Chase...a certain pirate-woman....just to name a few of you...you know who you are.

Oh, and don't worry ladies, I haven't forgotten about you...

View image

thanx to Asian Mistress for contributions

Posted by Phil at 9:58 PM

April 28, 2006

Bon prepares delicious 'Black Bear' feast in celebration of Playaz Ball anniversary

Bon captured a black bear in Woodstock, Georgia with his custom-made trap and nothing more than a can of sardines, to be slaughtered and served in a celebration feast to honor "playazball.com"'s one year anniversary.

Bon went all out to please guests with samplings of some of the rarest animals on earth. So rare, in fact, that those animals are now extinct thanks to the party we had.

Some of the delectables at this blowout bash included:

Antillean cave rat

Arabian gazelle

Aurochs

Barbados raccoon

Barbados rice-rat

Barbuda rice-rat

Barbuda rice-rat

Basalt plains mouse

Bavarian pine vole

Big-eared hopping mouse

Black-footed ferret

Bluebuck

Blunt-toothed mouse

Brazilian three-banded armadillo

Broad-faced potoroo

Buhler's rat

Bulldog rat

Canary mouse

Cayman Brac hutia

Cayman Brac nesophont

Cayman hutia

Central hare-wallaby

Central rock rat

Columbian hutia

Corozal rat

Corsican shrew

Crescent nailtail

Cuban spider monkey

Curaçao giant rice rat

Curaçao sloth

Curio's giant rat

Dark flying fox

Darling Downs hopping mouse

Darwin's Galapagos mouse

Desert bandicoot

Desert rat-kangaroo

Dusky flying fox

Eastern hare-wallaby

Emperor rat

Falkland Islands dog

Fernandina Galapagos mouse

Field's mouse

Flat-headed myotis

Flores cave rat

Flores long-nosed rat

Florida naked-tailed rat

Giant deer mouse

Goliath white-toothed shrew

Grand Cayman hutia

Atlantic gray whale

Great hopping mouse

Great key mouse

Grooved-toothed forest mouse

Guadalcanal rat

Guam flying fox

Gulf of California woodrat

Gull Island vole

Hairy-eared dwarf lemur

Haitian edible rat

Hensel's field mouse

Ilin bushy-tailed cloud rat

Imposter hutia

Indefatigable Galapagos mouse

Insular cave rat

Jamaica rice-rat

Jamaican monkey

Jamaican pallid flower bat

Large Corsican field vole

Large funnel-eared bat

Large ghost faced bat

Large Palau flying fox

Large sloth lemur

Large-eared tenrec

Lava mouse

Lemke's hutia

Lesser bilby

Lesser Cuban nesophont

Lesser stick-nest rat

Lesser yellow bat

Long-tailed hopping mouse

long-nosed potoroo

Lord Howe Island bat

Maclear's rat

Madagascan pygmy hippopotamus; common Malagasy hippo

Malagasy dwarf hippopotamus

Marcano's solenodon

Marianas flying fox

Martinique giant rice-rat

Miller's myotis

Montane hutia

Mummy shrew

Negros naked-backed fruit bat

Nelson's rice-rat

Nendo tube-nosed fruit bat

New Guinea big-eared bat

New Zealand greater short-tailed bat

Old fig-eating bat

Omilteme cottontail

Oriente cave rat

Osborn's key mouse

Pemberton's deer mouse

Philippine fruit bat

Pigfooted bandicoot

Poey's pallid flower bat

Pristine mustached bat

Przewalski's horse

Puerto Rican flower bat

Puerto Rican hutia

Puerto Rican plate-toothed mouse

Puerto Rican sloth

Queen of Sheba's gazelle

Rabida Galapagos mouse

Red fruit bat

Red gazelle

Red hairy-tailed bat

Santiago Galapagos Mouse

Sardinian pika

Saudi gazelle

Schomburgk's deer

Sea mink

Short-horned water buffalo

Short-tailed hopping mouse

Small key mouse

Southeastern pocket gopher

St. Lucia giant rice-rat

St. Vincent pygmy rice-rat

Standing's hippo

Steller's sea cow

Sturdee's Bonin pipistrelle

Swan Island hutia

Tanzania woolly bat

Tasmanian bettong

Thylacine; Tasmanian wolf

Toolache wallaby

Torre's cave rat

Tretretretre

Verhoeven's giant tree rat

Vespucci's rat

Victorious nesophont

Vietnam warty pig

West Indian monk seal

West Indian porcupine

Western Cuban nesophont

Western palm squirrel
and
White-footed rabbit-rat

Mmm, mm!! Thanks, Bon!

2:55 pm Update: Bon back at work

Posted by Phil at 10:05 AM

April 27, 2006

On this day in history, PlayazBall.com was born

One year ago today, Playaz Ball, the blog, began with this simple yet poignant post.

We started with few readers (5 to be exact). We have grown significantly since then, and we truly appreciate each and every one of you who visit our website.

I have put together a brief slideshow of photos to reflect on this past year, many of which you have seen before if you are longtime readers, with a few new pics thrown in that have not been seen by the public.

So get out your handkerchiefs and enjoy this photographic montage of nothing in particular, and in random order.

or, you may also view the video by clicking this link to YouTube

And while you're at it, feel free to re-live these classic tales of yester-year.

Posted by Phil at 9:00 AM

April 25, 2006

Playaz deem surgery on Kenny Rogers a success

Whew!

Well, we have been working long hours to repair Kenny Rogers, and I can proudly say it has been a success.

Let's be honest. We were all frightened by what we saw. But we knew that with the proper counsel with Kenny and surgical precision that we could rebuild the man.

I will let the results speak for themselves.

Before:

After:

As we mentioned before, we also implanted several cybernetic devices. A 20.1:1 telescopic zoom in Kenny's right eye. A bionic right arm with the strength of a bulldozer. Two bionic legs that allow Kenny to run at super-speeds.

Kenny is currently rehabbing and getting used to his new abilities, which I'm sure will come in handy for both him and us.

We hear there is a 'Bigfoot' roaming in the northwestern forests with plans on looting America's precious jewels.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM

April 21, 2006

We are tired

The Playaz are so very, very tired.

We work constantly to entertain you. We just want to rest. Just for a bit.

May we lie here for just a brief time? We promise we won't disturb anything.

Next week, the "Playaz Ball" blog will be one year old. 365 days of blogging enjoyment for the masses. Can't you see we just need some rest?

Please, for the love of God!

Posted by Phil at 12:55 PM

April 20, 2006

Playaz, we can rebuild him

We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic country singer. Kenny will be that man. Better than he was before. Better. Stronger. Faster.

Posted by Phil at 9:07 AM

April 17, 2006

Guv'na & Chewbacca to travel cross country together in 18-wheeler

The Guv'na and Chewbacca have begun a cross country journey together via 18 wheeler that will take them across the continental 48 states, parts of Canada, and Mexico to promote the upcoming 2006 Playaz Ball.

Guv'na and Chewbacca will be handing out kangols and candy canes to spread word of the big event, scheduled to occur July 27th through the 30th.

Chewy and The Guv'na are not charting unfamiliar waters, so to speak. Prior to Chewbacca's assistance to the Playaz through our NASA projects, the odd couple had travelled together for many years, getting into various misadventures on the road. In the late 70s, Guv'na and Chewy would bootleg Coors beer across the Texarkana line, then considered illegal in the southern bible-belt states.

The Guv'na's only complaint is sharing a sleeper cabin with the 7 and a half foot space-ape.

"It is highly uncomfortable, and the beast emits a formidable scent," Guv'na has said. "But, it is for the good of Playaz Ball," he added.

Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM

April 12, 2006

Sign up now for the Playaz phone service!

Through one of our newly acquired subsidiaries, we are now providing home telephone service across the globe.

Currently, we only have one customer.

Posted by Phil at 1:24 PM

April 11, 2006

We have a very urgent and important announcement to make

Please watch this very important informational video.

Press releases have been sent this morning to the Atlanta Journal - Constitution, the Washington Post, the New York Times, Associated Press, and the Belfast Telegraph.

or, you can click this link to YouTube

Update 4/12:

Attached is a copy of the Press Release we sent to the newspapers listed above. This is a "condensed" version, as I sent unique releases to each paper, but this will give you the idea of what was sent.

View the press release (.doc format)

Posted by Phil at 9:41 AM

April 6, 2006

Michael Flatley attempts to enter United States; Is intercepted and beaten by the Playaz

Michael Flatley, self-proclaimed "Lord of the Dance", attempted to enter the United States by boat to embark on a tour across the country until he was intercepted and summarily beaten by The Playaz.

An anonymous tip let the Playaz know of Flatley's arrival, where the Playaz met Flatley's boat at the port of Charleston, South Carolina.

It was from there that the Playaz took Flatley to a secluded Kansas cornfield (thanks, Saidah!) and beat him within an inch of his life before returning Flatley back to Ireland, instructing him never to return to the U.S.

The Playaz blame Flatley for all that is wrong with dancing, and in particular, white people dancing.

To see what we mean, please watch this video of a couple of our American friends now living in Northern Ireland, who are afflicted with this terrible, terrible disease.

I blame you, Michael Flatley!

*Note: Today at 5 p.m. our server will be down for approximately 1 hr for maintenance. Thank you - Phil

Posted by Phil at 8:35 AM

April 4, 2006

Tac wins owl calling contest

Tac was recently named the 2006 Owl Calling champion at the recent Owl Festival held this past March.

Tac can call over 132 different owl species. It is said that Tac has a mysterious ability to communicate with owls, a talent that has not been fully explored by the Playaz, but one that may come in handy some day. To hear Tac calling an owl, click here. Tac does not use any man-made instruments in his call - it is strictly his voice.

Mark you calendars for 2007 to attend one of Tac's Owl Calling classes.

Owl Hall of Fame

Owl Festival

Posted by Phil at 9:18 AM

April 3, 2006

Playaz purchase space robot 'Goldar' at flea market

Several of the Playaz visited a local flea market recently and discovered the former Space Giant "Goldar" standing amidst some various and sundry items being sold.

The 50 foot tall golden robot from outer space was seen "standing next to some junk, you know, old record albums, bongs, belt buckles," according to The Guv'na, and it was apparently for sale.

A young asian man going by the name "Mikko" was manning a card table of items for purchase that included the robot known as "Goldar". After a bit of haggling, Mikko agreed to let Goldar go to us for $21.

While we Playaz aren't exactly sure what we're going to do with our new possession, we feel he will come in handy when the time comes for more Comet Dust, as Goldar is able to transform himself into a rocket ship and carries with him several defense mechanisms.

His gamma-ray firing antennae seem to work okay, although he is out of torpedoes that would normally fire from his chest cavity. Other than that he works just fine. We were instructed to merely keep his joints lubricated from time to time.

The drawback is that this "Goldar" talks, which can be annoying at times, and he seems quite depressed. He keeps rambling on about his "wife" (?) who went by the name "Silvar", who according to him was much like a human in size and appearance. And, they had a kid! He didn't seem to know where he was. I guess they got divorced somewhere along the line. How this "marriage" worked I'll never know, but whatever.

He also likes to reminisce about his 'glory days' when he did battle with a fanged, afro'ed villain called "Rodak". We are forced to patronize him and his boring chatter until we can figure out if there is a switch that will turn him off.

Anyway, it is none of our concern as he is now indebted to us in eternal robot servitude.

We also saw a 1971 model "Spectreman" there, but it appeared to be in quite a state of disrepair.

Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM

April 1, 2006

Bad news

I am shutting down this site.

Also, we have all contracted the bird flu.

Update: I have tricked you! April Fool's! Playaz Ball.com is continuing on, and the Playaz are 100% disease-free.

Posted by Phil at 9:24 AM

March 14, 2006

Richard Dawson is dead and I don't feel so good myself

Things didn't fare so well for us and Letter To America at the Irish Blog Awards.

In keeping with the trend of bad news, the Los Angeles police requested that Bon come in for questioning in the recent death of Don Knotts.

We're not sure why or what is going on. Bon has not said anything about why they want to talk to him, and frankly we aren't sure either.

Stay tuned...

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM

March 12, 2006

Playaz attempt to rig Irish Blog Awards; in other words, just another ordinary weekend

Saturday night was the 1st annual Irish Blog Awards ceremony held in Dublin Ireland.

We thought we might try to help our friend Jett Loe over at Letter To America win in his nominated categories of Best Blog, Best Arts & Culture Blog, and Best Photo Blog by attempting to swap out the envelopes with a mole we planted in the hotel.

Tune in the LTA's latest podcast to see how it all turned out.

Update

If you listen to the podcast, at the end of the show is a nice little tune that serves as the lead-out. Be sure and listen through as there is an important, yet sad clip you shouldn't miss.

Posted by Phil at 6:54 PM

March 10, 2006

Emailz

Just as everything the Playaz do is first-class, now our email addresses are too (or, as my mother would call them, our "websites").

Please make note in your address book that our email address is not just changing, but you may now include the personal email address of each individual Playa.

Our general email, that will now be sent to all Playaz when you choose it, is no longer the Yahoo! address but is now playaz@playazball.com (please note: all Playaz will receive the emails sent to this address).

If you want to send an email specifically to a particular Playa, please use the respective addresses below:

phil@playazball.com

wayne@playazball.com

guvna@playazball.com

bon@playazball.com

tac@playazball.com

The addresses are in the sidebar for your convenience. The Yahoo! address will remain active for a while, so don't worry if you still send something there.

Posted by Phil at 10:12 AM

March 9, 2006

Guv'na's fur

Many of you have long been admirers of The Guv'na's luxurious mink coats. But many of you do not know where they come from.

Many of you would assume that The Guv'na buys his coats and accessories at "Furs, Furs, Furs!" or at one of major retailers on New York's Fifth Avenue, but you would be wrong!

The Guv'na operates and maintains his own fully functional mink farm, located right here in the suburbs of Atlanta.

However, these minks are not available to the general public. They are captured, raised, and bred for The Guv'na's own personal needs. When Guv'na has soiled a coat with his own vomit, he will go to the farm to personally select the minks that will be used for a new one. Or, let's say the Guv'na desires a new item of clothing or an accessory to be made of 100% mink...how does that work, you ask? Quite simply:

Step 1 = Guv'na hand-selects the minks to be used from farm.

step 2 - Minks are killed.

step 3 - Mink kangol is made and ready for Guv'na to wear.

Guv'na has made all kinds of items from his minks, from this stunning winter hat Guv'na is modelling below...

To a tiny mink coat for his dog...

The Guv'na has made one coat, specially requested by Loni Anderson, not for Guv'na's own use.

The Guv'na does run a school to teach people who want to capture and raise their own mink. Guv'na does not trap his mink, as Bon would, but rather prefers the more sporting method of lassoing his mink on horseback. Here at the ranch people can learn how to track and lasso their own mink!

Posted by Phil at 8:47 AM

March 7, 2006

Playaz arrive at Vanity Fair Oscar after party

I have a few photos I thought you'd like to see from Sunday night as the Playaz were invited to the Vanity Fair after party following the Oscars (part of our promotional efforts for "Six Pack 2" coming out next summer).

Tac entertains the ladies at the V.F. after party

Wayne and Harvey Weinstein laugh about the financial blunder Miramax made by not picking up the option on 'Six Pack 2' while Catherine Zeta-Jones sits in Wayne's lap (Yes, CZ-J carries her old Oscar with her everywhere)

Guv'na gets frisky

Bon arrives in style

"Honey, you were only acting...remember?"

Lindsay Lohan was hitting on the Playaz all night

Lohan and Tac leaving the party

Posted by Phil at 9:12 AM

February 27, 2006

Bon to serve as caterer to new Georgia Aquarium

Bon's culinary services have been retained by the new $200 million Georgia Aquarium to serve as their caterer for banquets, private parties, and receptions.

The Georgia Aquarium boasts the beautiful "Ocean's Ballroom", which has the capacity to serve a sit-down dinner for as many as 1,000 people.

The Ocean's Ballroom is flanked by a viewing window of the Aquarium's sub-aquatic habitat, where patrons may specifically choose which marine life they would like to eat that particular evening.

At the behest of smaller private parties, Bon will swim into the tank, identify the fish or mammal chosen and personally kill the selected fish before cleaning it and preparing it for the guest's supper.

In the event of very large groups, Bon will personally select a tank to dynamite for that evening's fare and will serve whatever is blown out of the water or floats to the surface.

So please, next time you are in Atlanta, don't forget to stop by the World's Largest Aquarium, the Georgia Aquarium. Tell them the Playaz sent you, and that you wouldn't mind a little Baluga Whale courtesy of Bon himself! ;)

Posted by Phil at 1:13 PM

February 25, 2006

Nooo!!!!!

It wasn't his time!!!!!

We could only do so much without destroying the space-time continuum.

The Playaz are weeping.

Posted by Phil at 10:56 PM

February 23, 2006

Life goes on.

"A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms.

Enthusiasms...

Enthusiasms...

What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy?."


- Dames!
- Boozin'!

"Baseball!"

"A man...

A man stands alone at the plate.

This is the time for what?

For individual achievement.

There he stands alone. But in the field, what?

PART OF A TEAM. Teamwork...

Looks, throws, catches, hustles. Part of one big team.

Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on.

But if he don't field...what is he? You follow me?

No one.

Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say?.

I'm goin' out there for myself.

But...l get nowhere...unless the team wins."


- Team!
- Team.

Rest in peace, Direct Current.

Posted by Phil at 12:08 AM

February 22, 2006

Tac accused of smuggling comet dust to China inside cat

Chinese authorities arrested Tac for attempting to smuggle into their country approximately 33 pounds of comet dust inside of a cat.

A local newscast picked up on the story and released footage of the cat along with an incriminating photo of Tac holding the comet dust-packed feline that was shown on the Chinese television network CCTV.

Wayne released a statement on Tac's behalf saying that the cat was actually being given to the Chinese to be eaten, not to smuggle in the highly addictive narcotic the Playaz' discovered in outer space. Wayne also stated that the comet dust found inside the cat must have been consumed by the cat itself, with Tac and the Playaz unaware. "We just thought the cat had a bit of a weight problem, and we know how much the Chinese like to eat cats, so we thought we'd sell it to them and make a tidy profit, since we obtained the cat originally for free," said Wayne.

Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM

February 19, 2006

Playaz take Olympic gold in curling competition

The Playaz brought home the gold for the U.S. in the curling competition in Turin.

We have been training very hard these past four years and our efforts paid off, as the Playaz can now be called the world's curling champions.

I served as the team's coach, Wayne was the "skipper", Tac the 2nd, Guv'na the 3rd, and Bon was the alternate.

Below is a photo of me and Wayne on the sideline. The "skip" typically calls the shot and rotates in and out with the other three (Coaching was great. I didn't have to participate, and could enjoy a Makers & ginger on the sidelines).

On the final shot, Tac delivered a beautiful stone, and Bon and The Guv'na swept to perfection.

We were accused by other countries of 'doping' prior to the competition, which of course we were. A steroid/cocaine/comet dust cocktail was given to each of the Playaz prior to our event, which allowed us to curl with more focus, with higher accuracy, and to sweep faster than anyone else on the ice.

We are very proud of this accomplishment! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Posted by Phil at 4:14 PM

February 16, 2006

Bon finishes off 78 year old nuisance Harry Whittington

Bon finished off the job Vice President Dick Cheney could not by proffering a shotgun blast at close range to hospitalized lawyer Harry Whittington.

Whittington had been shot in the face by Vice President Cheney recently, but Cheney could not put an end to the life of a man who was despised by everyone who knew him.

"Cheney's method was faulty," Bon was quoted as saying shortly after he unloaded both barrells on an unsuspecting Whittington. "First, Cheney was only using a .28 gauge and was firing from at least 30 yards away," Bon said. "A sawed off .410 from 6 inches will do the job just fine," he added.

An embarrassed Cheney called the Playaz to admit that he could not kill this feeble old man and pleaded for our assistance.

Bon then concealed his sawed-off shotgun beneath a leather coat, entered Whittington's hospital room where Whittington was resting comfortably, approached Whittington, then proceeded to "close the deal", as Bon put it.

Cheney apologized Wednesday to the nation for not doing the job he had set out to do - to kill Harry Whittington. He offered no excuses, and put the blame entirely on himself.

Bon promised to offer shooting lessons to Cheney, so that this type of accident would never happen again.

A file photo shows Bon and Tac presenting a rifle to Vice President Cheney earlier this year

Posted by Phil at 8:20 AM

February 10, 2006

The Playaz play the silver ball

The Playaz have recently struck a deal with Bally to produce a series of pinball machines with the Playaz' likenesses on them.

Bally of course wishes to boost their sales by capitalizing on our popularity. We hope to move into the "illegal" gaming industry by ultimately transitioning into Playaz slot machines, to be placed in convenience stores and on Indian reservations everywhere (following the lead of our mentor, Larry Holmes.)

Here are a couple of samples of the pinball artwork that will be featured on the games:

Wayne and our legal team tells me this resembles Evel Knievel too closely, but I contend it is purely coincidental. I was wearing "star and bars" leather jumpsuits long before he did. Besides, I feel sure that neither he nor his son Robbie have much longer to live, so I'll take my chances with a lawsuit.

This game features Wayne as the highlighted Playa. We will install it in women's restrooms, as it will be a big hit with the ladies. Once you reach a certain score, the game will dispense ladies' "personal effects".

Posted by Phil at 9:22 AM

February 8, 2006

While I was away

I finally returned home and found the Playaz in total shambles.

In my absence, Bon had become an animal-lover,

Tac had gone preppy,

and The Guv'na had really let himself go, and was not the refined gentleman of leisure that we all know him as.

Looks like I've got some work to do to get these Playaz back on track.

Wayne was not affected as he has been busy handling the separation of Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow, which we told you about back in September. Wayne decided to advise them to skip the marriage and go ahead with the divorce.

Posted by Phil at 10:30 AM

January 31, 2006

State of the Playaz Address

Last night, we held our first ever State of the Playaz Address, at our historic Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, South Carolina. The Address was held in the Kenny Rogers Caucus Room, a very large auditorium used when we are addressing our constituency.

Of course you know our day-to-day operations are held in Atlanta, but if you've never been to our Headquarters in South Carolina, it is quite a treat. Aside from the massive Kenny Rogers Caucus Room is of course our Situation Room where we handle crises and military strategy sessions, The Hall of Playaz which is a marvelous gallery of statues and paintings of the Playaz, the Rotunda, and down below is the Crypt, where the corpse of Conway Twitty is currently stored.

While I simply don't have the room to provide the actual text of the 15,000 word, 4 hour speech, I am able to provide you with the highlights of this night, along with some photos provided by Rueters and the Associated Press.

The Speech:

The speech was strong. It showed the nation our strengths, and gave you the accomplishments we have made in the past year, which includes:

- Single handedly stemmed the increase in shark attacks and stamped out the bird flu.

- Boosted the country's space program with our involvement with NASA (with assistance from Chewbacca), which recently procured the discovery of Comet Dust, a great new narcotic substance.

- Entered new words into the English language.

- Our foreign policies have lowered oil prices, halted the nuclear weapons program in North Korea, and killed a nuisance whale.

- The Playaz turned Hurricane Irene back from the U.S. coast, allowing for a successful Playaz Ball 2005.

- The Playaz handled the questioning in the Supreme Court nominations, interviewing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, the nomination of our own Wayne, and of course, Dian Parkinson.

- Saved the life of Don Knotts.

- We are vowing to make the Playaz invulnerable. I'm not referring to oil dependency, or to homeland security, or anything of that nature. I mean literally invulnerable. Like looking into some kind of titanium endo-skeleton and super-regenerative skin tissue. Something like that.

- The focal point of our speech, and what we are probably most proud of, is that during our fiscal year for 2005 we saw increased spending by 100%. The Playaz made a promise to spend every dime we earned during that year, and we can proudly say "Mission Accomplished". We also promise to you that in the upcoming year, The Year of the Playaz, we will raise revenues to go along with even more spending.

The photos:

After the Playaz' Sergeant-at-Arms announced us, we entered a packed room and a standing ovation. The photos below give you an overview of the night's events and attendees.

A live look at CNN's coverage of the address as Kenny enters the Caucus Room

Photo of me backstage rehearsing my speech one last time

"Ladies and gentlemen, the State of the Playaz Address"

The crowd reacts to my speech

There were several very special guests in attendance, many of whom were greeted with standing ovations when introduced by the Playaz

Phil points out Kathryn in the gallery and thanks her for her tireless efforts in bringing the blogging community together as well as her work on many Happy Hours. Kathryn is seen here shaking hands with Larry Holmes and receiving a standing ovation.

Wayne receives special recognition for his work this past year as Playaz counsel, who filed 212 frivolous lawsuits on the Playaz' behalf in 2005 alone.

Laughter and applause ensues when Letter To America host Jett Loe emerges from behind the podium with a 9mm pistol. More laughter ensues when he is removed by security and beaten senseless.

Once the speech is over, the Playaz exit the auditorium while being mobbed by admirers and well-wishers.

Atlanta media mogul Kemi Lane in the foreground (left) covers the Playaz on a daily basis. See her coverage of the SOTP address on her website.

It was a truly fantastic evening, and we thank you all for your attention and support. As we've said before, we fully expect The Year of the Playaz to be something special.

Now that the SOTP is over, I will be taking a vacation - a stop over at Camp David and then on to Telluride, Colorado. I will be back next Tuesday night. Have a safe week and I'll see you when I return.

Posted by Phil at 1:07 AM

January 27, 2006

Stare down

Tune in to Jett Loe's Letter To America podcast, LTA-Chapter 20, for the first-of-it's-kind internet staring contest between yours truly and "Frank" (formerly known as Wayne).

Frank doesn't realize that my family has a long history of "starers". My grandfather would sit out on his porch and stare at a tree stump for hours. I, too, have harnessed this skill.

I will stare and stare, without blinking, and will crush "Frank" and his dreams of ever becoming Wayne again.

Are you ready for this?

DOWNLOAD THE SHOW

Posted by Phil at 4:06 PM

January 26, 2006

The price of fame

Many of you know that in our ascent to fame, we are constantly accosted by people in our daily lives. It has become increasingly difficult for us to go anywhere anymore.

One of the more annoying encounters we deal with these days are all kinds of people, including "A", "B", and "C" list celebrities who run into us out on the town and want some sort of favor from us.

Last summer Wayne was visiting New York City and was enjoying himself a highball of bourbon and water, when out of the corner of his eye Wayne noticed a man reticently approaching him. Wayne continued with his drink and waited for the inevitability that this man would approach, and ask for something (a photo, a handshake, autograph some body part of his wife/girlfriend, etc.).

Finally, the man built up enough courage and introduced himself.

"Um...excuse, me...sir?....aren't you?...(Oh my God, it is!)...you're Wayne, right?!..."

Wayne set his drink down, turned on his stool and said "yes, my name is Wayne." A look of joy, excitement, and uncontrolled urination came over the man. "Oh God! I'm real sorry! I don't know why I just did that," he exclaimed. "Don't worry about it," Wayne replied. "It happens all the time."

The man was former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat.

"I read your website every day," Tom said. "You remember that time everyone thought you were dead?...and you weren't, but just lost in the land of Oz..?" he said. "Yes, I remember," said Wayne. "Was that real, or were you guys just real high on LSD or something?" Wopat replied.

After about 20 minutes of mindless banter, Wayne told Tom Wopat politely that he had to go. "Can I take a picture with you?" Tom asked. Rolling his eyes, Wayne said "Sure, I guess..."

"One more thing," Tom said before he left. "I used to get you and that guy 'Wayne Ordinary American' confused."

Wayne then punched Tom Wopat in the face and left.

Posted by Phil at 9:12 AM

January 24, 2006

It's on

To update you on our lawsuit with "Frank, the Delicious American Pastime" (formerly known as "Wayne, Ordianary American", the details of said lawsuit can more or less be explained here), Frank appeared on the most recent Letter To America podcast discussing his recent name change, and spouting off absurd statements about the Playaz.

Among other things, the one statement that incensed me the most was Frank saying that he believes the Playaz "are all just the same guy". What?! Any person with eyes can see we are all individual Playaz. Yes, I am the one who is responsible for posting the news of the Playaz, but to even insinuate that we are not who we say we are is the highest of insults.

Therefore, (and against our own Wayne's protests) I have decided to drop our suit against Frank, and have accepted a challenge to compete with Frank live (via tape delay) on the air in a staring contest! It is a skill that I feel I am highly suited for, and feel certain that with Frank's recent incarceration and solitary confinement added to the fact that he lives in blustery Ireland, I should win easily.

Yes, that's correct. I will be in the good old U.S.A. while Frank competes in Ireland, with Letter To America host Jett Loe moderating the event. It will be an internet staring contest, the first of it's kind!

I will keep you posted as to when this will take place, but it should be soon.

Posted by Phil at 9:26 AM

January 19, 2006

We are rich!

Update 1/23: Latest correspondence posted below

You already knew that. But more specifically, we recently received an email straight from the desk of a Mr Suleman Muhamede with the Bank of Africa.

Mr. Muhamede has discovered $33,500,000 of "abandoned" money from one of their foreign clients who tragically died recently. He has no next of kin. Mr. Muhamede has decided that it would be bad for this money to go unclaimed, since it would only revert to the government treasury. So he has wisely chosen us, The Playaz, to assist him in laundering this money in the States for a cut. It is all legal, he assures us. Plus he is with the Bank of Africa, which is the bank for the entire continent of Africa, so you know it must be legit.

Below is the email exchange between me and Mr. Muhamede, starting with the intial contact I received and my replies following:

suleman muhamede (muhamede07@hotmail.com) wrote: From the Desk Of: Mr Suleman Muhamede, Bank of Africa.Burkina faso.

ATTENTION: SIR/MADAM

I REQUEST FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSACTION
I am the manager at the auditing and accounting department of Bank Of Africa
(B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US$33.5.m dollars ( US dollars) in an account that belonging to one of our foreign customer.Who died along with his entire family in Monday, 31 July, 2000 in a plane crash in paris.Please visit this site that is one of the evidence the directors brought in other to swallow
the money at the end of the day,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm"

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this
discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent isbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after fours years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.

Thereafter, I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your desiggnited bank account ,you must apply first to the bank as a relation or next of kin of the deceased with a text of application that i will send to you,so i will ike you to send to me your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application . I will not fail to bring to your
notice this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.

°1)Dear p/s reply this mail.
°2)your tele number...........
°3)your fax number...........
°4)your photo................with your age......

WHEN YOU DO THIS I WILL FORWARD YOU A FORM THAT YOU WILL FILL
AND SEND IT TO BANK.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Suleman Muhamede,
BANK OF AFRICA(B.O.A)

Mr. Muhamede,

This is exactly the type of transaction we are interested in.

My company is Playaz, Inc. We are businessmen. We will take your $33.5 million dollars. However, you do not fully understand the Playaz Business model. We deposit your millions in our multiple off-shore accounts. In return we will give you a crisp $100 bill for entrusting us with your money. We will spend it wisely, I assure you.

Please send us the money as soon as possible.

Thank you for your kind offer. Our personal information is all online.

Sincerely,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede wrote: Dear Phil, Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free.I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully.You don't have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transfered into your account without having any problem.What you have to do is to listen to my guide line untill the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursment of the fund according to the percentages I indicate in my first letter.30% for you,60% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure....telepone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered.For your information I got your email address from an internet when I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you.I strongly beleive that we will work together as partners and get this fund transfered into your account peacefully.Y ou have to undrstand now that don't have much time now so we have to be fast in any thing we are doing to be get intoch to bank informed. May looking at the whole transfer process it might look so difficult to achieve a sucessful result but I tell you that it is not as difficult as you might see it.There will not be any risk or problem after this fund is transfered into your account because i will delete all the files concerning the deceased in our bank after the fund is transferred.This business is involve only you and I.I want to assure you that this business will not cause any kind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally.When this fund is transfered there will be some cover up document's my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired.I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine's back to Burkina-faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming.We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you want to do with it.This business will take us about 14 working days to mature.You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the surpport I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day. Mr Suleman Muhamede. Bellow is the application for the transfer. ========================================================================================================================== ATTN: Dr Adama Compaore The Director of Operations Foreign Remittance Division Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina-faso. EMAIL:bankofafricaa@excite.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF US$33.5 Million US dollars FROM DORMANT ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55.
Please be inform that I wish to transfer the sum of US$33.5 Million US dollars from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as will be detailed below:

BANK NAME: ...........................................
ADDRESS: .............................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................................
BENEFICIARY: .........................................
YOUR PRIVATE FAX NUMBER / YOUR EMAIL
ADDRESS: .........................................
AGE....................................................
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin Mr.Kurt Kahle who died in a Plane crash on Monday, 31 July 2000. He was an Australian national, but resided in Ouagadougou Burkina-faso and owned :

STE BILLINGS SARL
IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

I am his cousin and named next of kin. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated account as shown above.
Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic
problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully,

Mr. Muhamede,

Believe me, you have found the most reliable person on teh internets.

Please allow me to restate our business model: You give us the $33.5 million dollars (we prefer it be delivered in cash, for tax purposes). In return you will receive a newly minted, crisp $100 bill for your trust in the Playaz. "Is this a fair deal?" you ask? Yes!

Here is how you benefit: By delivering us this "found" money, you will supply the Playaz with the funds necessary to continue to entertain you, the entire continent of Africa, and the world. We cannot operate our jets, buy our drugs, our gold medallions, our minks, our Red Lobster dinners, without the generosity of investors like you. You stand to gain by allowing yourself to become one of our investors. Your return will be almost sure wealth as the people you encounter through your future endeavors will most assuredly be impressed by your connection with the Playaz. This will open many doors for you. And don't forget the $100 bill we promised! It will be mailed to you post-haste, after we have received this glorious bounty you are so graciously giving to us.

We will need you to mail the money, in a large box or container of some sort, and mark it "books", or "cheese" or something that won't garner attention. Put the return address from my uncle who lives in Minnesota (I will provide to you upon confirmation). When you mail it, wear a purple bandana and a red izod cardigan and call yourself "Steve".

Also, we have come into a large amount of Comet Dust, from outer space. We are looking for a reliable individual to deliver a large amount of this dust for the purposes of resale. We believe it to be illegal here in the States, but feel that there are no adequate Comet Dust laws in Africa, and would provide a loophole in allowing us to sell it there and for a hefty profit. We would like to deliver to you roughly 100 kilos of comet dust. We will discuss it's street value once you have received it. Then, once you sell it, you will provide us access to the money for retrieval, and in return we will give you a crisp $100 bill.

If this arrangement sounds good to you, we are ready to go!

thanks,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote:
I don't understand you my dear.

OK, forget all that. This might make more sense to you, as our model can be confusing.

First we sell my father's suburban. Then we turn around and buy a bass boat. We take the bass boat out to California and sell it (bass boats in California will sell for nearly double what they will here), turn around and buy a load of "Hula Poppers" (perhaps the best fishing lure on the market), turn around and buy more bass boats, sell those and then buy a Lear jet.

Let me know and we'll get started. Our information is online at www.playazball.com.

Sincerely,
Phil

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: i don't understand all your saying thanks bye

So we'll just wait to hear from you, then.

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT

So it's all settled then.

Mr. Muhamede has since closed his Yahoo! email account. I assume further correspondence will be through the "Bank of Africa"'s Excite.com email account.

Posted by Phil at 6:01 PM

January 13, 2006

Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na alive! "How fare the Playaz?" they ask

What can only be described as a miracle, Tac, Wayne, & The Guv'na are discovered to be alive!

Descending to earth in a hot air balloon from lands unknown, the Playaz, long thought to be deceased, returned with wild tales and adventures.

Tac explained that while experimenting with mind-altering drugs one evening, a terrible storm came upon them. Swept up in extremely high winds, Tac explained that they were deposited into what seemed like another world.

Wayne, Guv'na, and Tac had been scattered by the winds and began to explore this unfamiliar territory.

Unbeknownst to them, this land was filled with bizarre creatures, both intriguing and horrifying. Tac described the likes of talking scarecrows, fields teeming with midgets, and winged monkeys.

Already on edge, Tac immediately began to lay waste to any living or breathing thing that came within firing range of him.

Tac said he wiped out a gang of misfits that included a grotesquely evolved lion who walked on it's hind feet, a man made entirely of tin, and the scarecrow. There was a pretty woman with them, but Tac did not have time to ascertain if she were in need of help or part of their hideous band.

Wayne, separated from the others, began investigating as well. Attempting to figure out the best way to reunite with the missing Playaz, Wayne discovered a path, and began to follow it. However, he noticed something curious. Upon further inspection, this "road" was coated in lead-based paint, highly toxic and deadly.

Wayne made haste for what appeared to be the capital city. After talking with several of the little people he encountered in the city, he found cause to file a class action suit against the one they called "The Wizard", who ran the city.

Suing for over $1 billion in damages, Wayne began his suit and his withering cross-examination against this "Wizard", who could not explain why the roads had not been properly treated, nor why there was any appropriate health care for those who needed it.

On the other side of the city, the Guv'na had met a trio of midgets, going by the name "The Lollipop Guild". Guv'na was seduced by these three, who told the Guv'na tales of "magic" candy canes. Having a weakness for this candied confection, Guv'na followed them on a journey to these magical canes.

Upon finding a field laden with the most glorious candy canes ever seen, the Guv'na began to taste them. They were delicious! However, these were no ordinary candy canes. They were laced with some narcotic that caused the Guv'na to lose consciousness. The band of midgets robbed Guv'na of his mink and gold pocket watch and left him for dead.

Tac realized the urgency of the situation. The Playaz did not need to tarry any longer in this strange place. After killing virtually everything in his path, Tac was able to locate Wayne, who had just won his suit against Emerald City, virtually crippling the town financially after collecting his fee of 99% of the one billion dollar judgement. Guv'na was discovered as well, but they weren't home free yet.

A horde of angry "munchkins" had tracked them down - upset that their town was now bankrupt, which essentially put all of them out of work. Being that the city was the only employer, they attempted to stop the Playaz' escape to make them pay.

Spotting a nearby bulldozer, Tac quickly cranked up the machine and cleared a path for the Playz' getaway, crushing the tiny bones of every munchkin caught in his tracks and plowing through them with ease.

Absconding a hot air balloon, the three Playaz flew out of danger, and made it back safely to us.

It is a great day for the Playaz. United again! Welcome back Tac, Wayne, & Guv'na. Did we tell you about our new plane?

Update: The national news is now picking up on the story.

Posted by Phil at 9:08 AM

January 12, 2006

Today's Drudge Report

Drudge link

Posted by Phil at 10:14 AM

January 11, 2006

Applications now being accepted

We are receiving numerous headshots and taking phone calls from multiple agents in attempts to have their clients become the new Playaz in light of our recent loss.

Below is a sample of the people being considered to replace Tac, Guv'na, & Wayne.

Ben Affleck (Tac)

Marshall Mathers (Guv'na)

Denzel Washington (Wayne)

Posted by Phil at 10:09 AM

January 10, 2006

Bon & I attend Life Insurance check presentation banquet

Following the sad events that have led up to today, Bon & I attended a luncheon at the local Holiday Inn for the presentation of our $40,000,000.00 life insurance check for the policies held for Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na which we received as a result of their tragic deaths.

These fine folks are a small outfit, but a solid company if you ever need to use their services. Their motto is "We don't have access to the internet."

Bon and I promptly purchased a Gulfstream V to assuage our grief.

Posted by Phil at 1:18 PM

January 9, 2006

Funeral for a Playa

I believe my worst fears are true. As I mentioned in the post below, it has been 5 days with virtually no communication from either Tac, Wayne, or The Guv'na.

I am saddened to say that Bon & I decided to move forward with the funeral this morning, despite the pleas of the respective Playaz' families to hold off, saying that they may only be 'very busy'.

I'm sorry, but we cannot change the past. They are dead and we must accept it.

Naturally, we had Tac, Wayne, and Guv'na interned at Arlington National Cemetery.

Hundreds of thousands lined the streets to view the processional.

Many dignitaries and heads of state attended, including Hank Williams, Jr. and Kid Rock.

Here you can see the "Playa-less Horse" being led through the processional. The horse is wearing the ceremonial Kangol, and you will note the city-boots placed backwards in the stirrups.

Kenny was a pall-bearer. Seen here carrying Tac's coffin, Kenny was inconsolable.

Bon & I with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at the funeral.

Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na are laid to rest at the "Tomb of the Unknown Playa", a very secluded and solemn place at Arlington. Tourists are not even allowed to this part of the cemetery.

President Bush and Larry Holmes present a wreath at the Playaz' final resting place to the armed militia, who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Playa day and night.

Perhaps the most moving moment of the ceremony: The "Missing Playaz" formation being flown overhead.

Posted by Phil at 3:10 PM

January 7, 2006

Wherefore art thou, Playaz?

Just a quick post to air a few concerns and comments.

First, I wanted to move the update in the post below up to this post:

It appears that the blogger formerly known as Wayne has succumbed to the Playaz' demands to cease and desist using the name "Wayne" (said demands I voiced on the New Year's podcast at Letter To America), as it conflicts legally with our own copyrighted and trademarked Wayne. For now, at my suggestion, he has opted to use the name "Frank".

You may listen to an update about this extremely important matter on Letter To America Chapter 17.

Secondly, I just thought I'd mention that Bon & I have been somewhat concerned that we have not heard from Tac, Guv'na, or Wayne for quite some time. In a typical day, The Playaz exchange roughly 100 emails (Instant Messaging is for weiners), and communication among those three has dropped off completely.

I can only assume that they have died.

I will add that this does not let "Frank" off the hook, as even if it is proven that Wayne and the others are dead, their rights will live on in perpetuity and posthumously as they will be passed on to their heirs (me & Bon).

Posted by Phil at 10:01 PM

January 6, 2006

Kenny & Bon to open restaurant chain together

While reading our friend Washington Cube's blog the other day, Cube had pointed out a Kenny Rogers Roasters that had closed down on Route 1 in Washington D.C.

I had to let her know that Kenny was no longer involved with "KRR", and that the franchise was now owned by Nathan's Famous Corporation.

What I could not tell her, until now, is that Kenny and Bon are going into business together to open a Playaz-backed restaurant chain. Kenny and Bon will capitalize on the name of the old restaurant, except it will now be simply known as "Kenny & Bon's Roasters".

The concept has changed slightly. The old Kenny Rogers Roasters was known for it's chicken. The new restaurants will serve Bon's fresh kill of the day. Chicken may still be on the menu, but goose will now be the foul of choice at these establishments.

Below is a sample of the menu Bon has prepared:

Roasted Goose (bludgeoned for tenderness)
Pickled Bream
Bass Burgers
Whale Steaks
Beaver Stew
Bald Eagle (blackened or charbroiled)
Many other selections of wild game and assorted delights

So please keep your eyes open for this new establishment, coming soon!

Per Cookie's request, for a limited time only, there will be several "Kenny & Bon Roasters" shirts available.

Posted by Phil at 8:41 AM

January 4, 2006

Through the years

We expect this to be a historic year for the Playaz, in The Year of the Playaz.

While we plan our strategy for world domination, we also reflect back on some of the historic moments the Playaz have been involved in, some recent, some many years ago.

We all remember when The Guv'na was shot while visiting Washington D.C.

You also remember the contest, and the Playaz Missile Crisis that followed shortly thereafter. But many of you have never seen the photo taken of me at Playaz Headquarters, agonizing over the decision of whether or not to invade Washington. Below, for the first time anywhere, is that photo.

There have been many memorable moments the Playaz have shared over the years we've been together that have never been published on this website. I now give you a glimpse into some of these rare, but intriguing photos of our past:

Back when the South was much more conservative than it is today, the Playaz were often denounced by local pastors and clergy as "children of the devil". They made every effort to warn youngsters to stay away from the temptation of the Playaz and their taudry affairs.

This is a rare photo of the time Tac challenged John F. Kennedy to a nationally televised debate. No, Tac was not running for office, he just thought Kennedy was a phony and didn't care for him personally. Tac was viewed as 'threatening' to the viewers, and many sided with Kennedy and his boyish good-looks.

Wayne wound up getting the best of Kennedy, however, as he is photographed here at the Presidential Inauguration moving in on Jacqueline Kennedy. Here Wayne is seen pointing JFK to a seat towards the back, telling an upset Kennedy "you know the name of the game...your woman chose me. Now go get me a cheeseburger."

This photo shows a meeting between former President Nixon and The Guv'na. Nixon often consulted the Playaz on ways to manipulate the law, how to pick locks, etc. (the Guv'na being one of the best). Guv'na was once known as "The Gentleman Burglar" in his younger days.

Bon and I when we were members of the Black Panthers. J. Edgar Hoover called us "the biggest internal threat to our country's national security". During this time, Bon & I killed 3 members of the British pop band and Saturday morning TV show "the Bugaloos" (specifically, "IQ", "Courage", and "Harmony").

Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM

January 1, 2006

2006: The Year of the Playaz

This year we hope to push the Playa-envelope. To start, here's your chance to hear the Voice of Phil delivering a New Year's message on Jett Loe's Letter To America podcast. I really enjoyed talking to Jett and provided people weren't powering down their computers at the sound of my voice, I'd love to do it again.

Stammering buffoon, or masterful genius? You decide.

Posted by Phil at 12:07 AM

December 9, 2005

An eye for detail

Please visit The Regular Guys website (a popular morning show here in the ATL) this morning as I astutely point out the resemblance between one of the RG's and a popular pianist from the olden days.

While I'm at it..would anyone be opposed?

Posted by Phil at 9:15 AM

December 7, 2005

Tac & Wayne to take over for Siegfried & Roy in Las Vegas

Tac & Wayne were personally selected by Las Vegas magicians Siegfried & Roy to temporarily replace them while Roy continues to recuperate from a tiger attack that left Roy near death.

The famous duo took a liking to the Playaz when Roy met Wayne on a cruise ship and discovered that Wayne was smuggling a cheetah on board, just as Roy had done almost 50 years ago when he met Siegfried. Wayne explained that he and Tac were amateur magicians who preferred to work with exotic jungle cats, and determined they would be the perfect replacements.

Another similarity between the pair was that 5 years ago, Tac nearly lost his arm when a white lion was "helping" Tac by chewing through sinew and bone when Tac had accidentally tripped on a wire on stage.

Tac demanded from Siegfied & Roy a silver Trans Am before he would agree to sign on.

Posted by Phil at 9:16 AM

December 3, 2005

Housekeeping

Just wanted to take a quick moment to update you on a few things.

First, I am continuing to update Playaz Ball with additional material that is slowly but surely being transferred over from the old blogger site, so be sure to periodically peruse the "Categories" section in the sidebar and re-live some of the old Playaz classics you have come to know and love.

Also, I have a few new links in the "Acolytes" section for your reading enjoyment and to recognize the building masses who have proven to be dedicated to the Playaz.

In particular, take some time to check out Letter to America, a weekly podcast from the land of Belfast, Ireland who has made note of the Playaz on the last two podcast shows, LTA-Chapter 10 and Chapter 11.

Posted by Phil at 10:26 PM

December 1, 2005

I'm back, baby!

Forget Sea World! Those wanting aboard the Playa-train, get in line!

"Yeah, Colin-baby, this is good stuff! Hey, Bush, man, this is going to be the best Christmas Tree lighting ever..."

UPDATE: Christmas Cards were mailed yesterday, for those who requested them. If you don't receive yours by the end of next week, please let me know.

Posted by Phil at 9:46 PM

I am joining Sea World

I have decided to join with Sea World and perform shows with the dolphins. I am an excellent swimmer. I swim very fast and can jump high out of the water, just like the dolphins.

The one downside is the sardines and such they feed you. I do not like fish in general, and especially do not like raw fish. I will be speaking with the trainers about this. If they were to hold a doughnut out, I would gladly leap and eat it out of their hand.

So if you're in the Orlando area this holiday season, stop by and catch a show. Me, Gus, Dorsal, and Flipper will be performing at 12, 2, and 4 everyday.

Postscript: I am very sad that Playaz Ball was shut-out of the Blog Superlatives last night in D.C. That is the real reason I have decided to move to Orlando and join Sea World.

Posted by Phil at 10:26 AM

November 29, 2005

Feeling bad?

I have noticed recently around the blog-world that many of you have been battling colds, flus, etc., lately. Chase of the blog Chase-ing Complacency had to have emergency surgery on top of that.

The Playaz want to wish you all well, and we hope for you to have good health and speedy recoveries.

As an added bonus, in the future when you are feeling under the weather, whether it be illness, hangover, accident, please feel free to download this "Get Well Soon" card from the Playaz and look at it for comfort.

Posted by Phil at 9:03 AM

November 18, 2005

So sayeth the Playaz

1. We are the Playaz. Thou shalt have no other Playaz before us.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images of Conway Twitty.
3. Thou shalt not use Kenny's name in vain.
4. Remember Playaz Ball, and keep it holy.
5. Thou shalt honor Kenny, Conway and Larry.
6. Thou shalt not murder one of the Playaz.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, lest it is with Dian Parkinson.
8. Thou shalt not steal from the Playaz.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against Larry Holmes.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's kangol.

Posted by Phil at 12:57 PM

November 11, 2005

Updates

A few items to mention.

First, once the balloting is closed, the Playaz will be considering the entries to our contest over the weekend. There are some excellent ideas, and each one will be considered carefully. Believe me, nothing is a given. Hopefully, a winner will be announced early next week.

Second, we have a new feature added to the website. If you will notice at the top of the page, you can now view Playa bios by clicking on the handsome face of the Playa of your choosing. You may also navigate back to the main page by clicking our logo.

Last, we have a permanent "contact" link in the sidebar where you can send the Playaz all your queries. I realize the Yahoo! account is beneath the Playaz' standards, but we are working on individual email accounts within our own domain.

Have a good weekend everybody.

Posted by Phil at 10:45 PM

November 8, 2005

Wayne wins lawsuit against Merck Co.; congratulates clients for making him rich

Wayne congratulated his clients after recently winning them a judgement against Vioxx drug maker the Merck Company. They were to receive approximately $932 each after Wayne's $253,950,078.00 attorney's fees.

Wayne was seen leaving the courtroom on the way to the Mercedes dealership to pick up his solid gold Mercedes.

Posted by Phil at 10:55 PM

November 4, 2005

Oh, I wish I had a handle-bar mustache

Please visit the Rhinestone Cowgirl to see the definition of true dedication to the Playaz.

Update: Pretty poor showing thus far for the Playaz Contest to make you rich. I guess none of you want to be rich (see post for details). Your proposal is due this Friday, Nov. 11th. They must be submitted to the email address in the post or they won't be considered.

Posted by Phil at 6:49 PM

November 3, 2005

The Kenny Rogers Fan Club. It is not just a priviledge. It is your duty.

For a mere $15, you, too, can be welcomed into the fold that is the Kenny Rogers Fan Club. With your membership, you will get:

A letter from Kenny

A 5x7 Glossy Photo of Kenny

A Kenny refridgerator magnet

An official Kenny Rogers Fan Club Membership Card

I hear that Congress is about to pass a bill that states that every person living in the United States must have this card to identify themselves, and that a person will not be able to buy or sell goods without this card by the year 2008. So I urge you to join today, and show your loyalty to Kenny.

Posted by Phil at 8:01 PM

November 2, 2005

"Playaz legal team....Assemble!"

Is The Onion stealing stories from the Playaz?

Two weeks ago, I posted this story about Bon: "Bon Volunteers In Aiding Fight Against Bird Flu; Kills All Birds"

Today, I noticed The Onion had a story titled: "Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu"

Now, despite my massive Playa ego, I do not suspect The Onion is perusing the Playaz Ball website looking for ideas. But the coincidences made me curious. Look at the examples below:

EXAMPLE 1

from playazball.com, Oct. 19th-

"Bon made swift work of the birds within his neighborhood, creating a deadly environment for the local blue jays, cardinals, robins, and geese that frequent the area,"

from theonion.com, Nov. 2nd-

"What about the less prominent but far more abundant fowl common to residential areas, such as bluebirds, cardinals, or geese - shouln't they die too?"

EXAMPLE 2

from playazball.com -

"...killing off birds one by one via poisoning, mallet, or shotgun blast."

from theonion.com -

"We can blow them off their perches with air rifles, stun them with ball-peen hammers, or break their wings, beaks, and necks..."

EXAMPLE 3

from playazball.com -

"The safest way to protect ourselves from an outbreak of bird flu in epidemic proportions is to simply kill every last bird," Bon said."

from theonion.com -

"Bush said.."We can all trust that their wisdom, manifested by this bold eagle-killing initiative, will protect us from any deadly bird-related diseases."

Lastly, in the comments section of my post:

(addressed to KOB)
"KOB - Bon is not above killing a bald eagle, if it's called for. In fact, I think there is a post on our old site giving you a sample overview of what Bon has killed - haven't moved it yet."
Posted by: Phil at October 21, 2005 01:15 PM

Nothing is taken verbatim, and certainly it is no stretch to come up with that premise for an Onion story. But still....

Playaz, gas up the jet. We may be headed to Madison, WI.

Posted by Phil at 8:45 PM

October 28, 2005

Kenny, Wayne stay up all night to repair Playaz' jet

Kenny Rogers and Wayne worked through the night repairing the Playaz' jet, which Tac crashed into the swimming pool at Playaz Headquarters during the most recent Playaz Ball.

Wayne mainly stood and held Kenny's tools while Kenny worked on the jet, handing Kenny each particular tool as Kenny requested for the job at hand.

Kenny stated that he replaced the float valve and put in new ball-bearings for the aircraft.

The Playaz are expected to fly Kenny to Columbus, Georgia for Kenny's Christmas concert on December 1st.

Posted by Phil at 11:14 AM

October 26, 2005

Michael Vick holds candlelight vigil for the Guv'na

Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Michael Vick staged a candlelight vigil outside the Guv'na's hospital room upon Guv'na's arrival home Tuesday.

Vick, donned in a festive Santa Claus hat, offered his well-wishes for a speedy recovery. Vick's mother attended the event as well, and brought the Guv'na a bowl of her famous vegetable soup in an effort to lift Guv'na's spirits.

Guv'na was the victim of a failed assassination attempt by an assailant that has not been positively identified. Police apprehended a suspect in the D.C. area shooting, but formal charges have not yet been brought.

UPDATE:
Guv'na releases a statement from his hospital bed

As I Lay Recovering

Voices in my head
Talk of drugs
My data is like bread
Must rid it of bugs

My pipe, how I love thee
Take the smoke in all night
Curves down like a C
Hold with left or with right?

Departing, I, from this place
Gruff, smoky fellow I see
Men in dark, how they race
As a weapon comes free

Pinball in my sides
Reckoning of truth
High-wheeled bicycle rides
Days of my youth

No light, just white
Figures with knives and stitch
No argue, no fight
"Guvna, you have a glitch"

Lose me? I think not
Devil-fiend, go away
This carrion shall not rot
"Guvna, you will live another day"

Candy canes of light and air
My heads swims in stripes
A splendid job of repair
Never seen so many pipes

Forgiveness to AUA
Man of apples and grins
For as they say
"A Playa always wins"

Posted by Phil at 9:24 AM

October 25, 2005

Guv'na shot! Playaz Ball reader suspected in D.C. area assassination attempt

An assassination attempt on the Guv'na's life occurred Tuesday afternoon, after an assailant shot the Guv'na under his left arm while the Guv'na was being escorted out of the Sheraton National hotel in Arlington, Virginia Tuesday.

The Guv'na was attending a fascinating conference Monday and Tuesday in an effort to learn more about optimizing clinical trial data, when shortly following the conference a small crowd had gathered outside the hotel anticipating the Guv'na's appearance after a contest on www.playazball.com had been announced challenging readers to locate the Guv'na.

As the Guv'na approached his limo, five shots rang out, one striking the Guv'na under his third rib and puncturing his lung. The Guv'na was then hurried into his bullet-proof limosine and whisked away to a nearby hospital, where doctors operated on the Guv'na with success, removing the bullet.
Photographers captured a frame-by-frame sequence of the Guv'na as he is hit by the bullet

The shooter was quickly apprehended by the Guv'na's security staff.

It is believed that this man was responsible for the shooting, and is known to be a frequent lurker on the Playaz Ball website.

The bullet narrowly missed the Guv'na's heart, and Guv'na was overheard lamenting the fact that he was not wearing his standard bullet-proof turtleneck. The Guv'na is expected to make a full recovery.

Posted by Phil at 1:25 PM

October 24, 2005

Where in the world is the Guv'na?

No, he's not in Germany....the Guv'na is in Washington, D.C.

The first Washingtonian who can track down and locate the Guv'na will win a Playaz Wear shirt or hat of your choosing!

Here are some hints:

- The Guv'na will be in the D.C. area today and tomorrow.
- During the day, Guv'na will be at a conference involving "optimizing clinical trial data" in an Arlington-area hotel.
- Guv'na will be at the Reagan Airport between the hours of 5 p.m. and 6 p.m. on Tuesday night.

See if you can spot the Guv'na! You may report any possible Guv'na sightings here. Good luck!!

Posted by Phil at 9:55 AM

October 23, 2005

Ronald Macabre

In the spirit of Halloween, I have come up with three disturbing images involving a creature that is quite possibly the most frightening visage one could conjure. Below are three places you absolutely do not want to see this horrifying evil, Ronald McDonald.

In a sewer.

In your bathroom stall.

While performing a c-section.

Posted by Phil at 2:58 PM

October 20, 2005

24 hour party people

While the Playaz could not attend the most recent rave in our adopted town of Washington D.C. this past Wednesday, hosted by the D.C. wrecking-crew of DC Cookie, Kathryn, DC Bachelor, and the Rock Creek Rambler, it appears we were there in spirit.

The Playaz would like to salute those who honored us at this event. Thanks, all.

Click Me

(credit to DC Cookie and I-66 for the pics)

Note: Sorry for the poor video quality - I am working on an alternative to post higher quality video (in other words, larger files) that I am not able to post here (ahem! *cough*makalumedia*cough*).

Posted by Phil at 9:53 PM

October 15, 2005

Playaz make special appearnce at local party - "common folks" enthralled

Bon and I appeared this evening at a local party (for our usual "appearance fee" - $5,000.00 per Playa, plus a sandwich and drinks) to stunned party-goers and 'wowed' them with our suave appearance, our class, and of course, our beaver.

My wife came with us as we had to pick her up from work from the local Huddle House, and it was on our way anyway.

Bon over-dressed as usual, wearing a tuxedo, his gold scorpion medallion, and some shoes that I believe once belonged to former NBA basketball player Darryl Dawkins.

I had some pretty sweet Giorgio Bertini's myself.

Of course, the problem I run into at any party I appear at publicly is that I can't seem to keep the ladies at bay, which is particularly difficult when my wife is tagging along. These ladies offered to strip me out of my three-piece J.C. Penney suit and into the hot-tub, but I would only oblige them to have a picture taken with me.

Notice how people can't keep their hands off the beaver. It's coat is so silky-smooth.

So Bon & I cleaned out their refridgerator, drank all of their booze, autographed some buttocks, injected a little crystal-meth and then we were on our way. Needless to say, when we got through with that place, they won't exactly be inviting us back again. But that's okay.

Next week we have a children's birthday party we are booked for our next public appearance. Should be interesting.

Posted by Phil at 11:34 PM

October 10, 2005

Cast your vote! Which is better...?

For a while now, a relative of Tac's has been trying to convince Tac that he should purchase his '94 Corvette. While I think this would be an outstanding purchase, I also think that if Tac is willing to spend the money on such a vehicle, he should expand his options. I suggested Tac strongly consider a '77 or '78 Pontiac Trans Am. What could possibly be better, I argued, than seeing Tac wheel up in a black "Smokey & The Bandit" Trans Am? If anything, if not because the Trans Am is simply bad, for the comedic value as well. Tac was not completley sold on the idea.

So now I put it to you, the readers. Which is better?

Tac and the 'Vette:

or...

Tac and the T/A?

I think the choice is fairly obvious, but I thought I'd let Tac hear your opinions.

Tac sez: "no way!, I guess in Playa dream land you would purchase the TA before the vette, but no way in real life. I'm eager to see what the results of the vote are. Don't get me wrong, I love the TA, as a matter a fact I would love to have that car, for real, but you can't be serious when you say you would prefer the TA over the vette. It's a Chevy Corvette for goodness sake. The only true American sports car."

Below is a photo of the actual 'Vette Tac was looking at buying.

Vote or die!

Posted by Phil at 10:08 PM

October 9, 2005

Welcome to www.playazball.com

It has been a long road, but the inevitable has finally happened. Someone offered to design and host our website for free and we accepted, after much discussion to determine if it would be exclusively to the Playaz benefit. We think it will be.

First, let me say I think the site looks great (of course it does). We have two people to thank for that. Mike Rohde, who designs websites for Makalumedia, and can be found at Rohdesign.com. Also, a big, big thanks to Matt Henderson, who sees the obvious genius in the Playaz and made all this possible. If you ever need a website designed, or anything else of a technical nature that I am not smart enough to explain here, visit his company's site at Makalumedia.com. They do consulting, software maintanence, website design and control, (among other things) for the European Space Agency, to give you an example of how good they are.

The site as it stands now is still a work in progress. We have a few other features we will be adding to the site once Mike has time to work them in and as I get more familiar with how the new platform works.

I will be working in the old posts from the old site as I have time. Blogger has no export feature so it could take a while. We know there is much historical data of the Playaz that must be maintained, and your need to research it!

So in closing, thanks again to Matt & Mike, and thanks to you guys for reading.

Posted by Phil at 9:04 PM

October 8, 2005

There is nothing wrong with your computer.

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling the transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image; make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to Playaz Ball.

Posted by Phil at 9:45 PM

September 30, 2005

Posted by Phil at 11:21 AM

September 23, 2005

Heed my warnings! These stories are true!!

Please forward the following to all of your friends and family within the next 30 minutes, or you will all be eaten by locusts:

I know you probably hate these emails as much as I do, but I felt I had to forward this to everyone I knew, because I would hate if it happened to someone else. A week ago, my next door neighbors Bill and Karen had been planning a family vacation with their only child, a beautiful little girl who's first birthday was coming up. My neighbors were going to visit Karen's parents in Florida to celebrate little Katie's first birthday together.

Because of skyrocketing airline costs, my neighbors were going to drive, so needless to say there was alot to pack for such a long trip. Money had been tight with them for a while now, since Bill had lost his job over three months ago, and the family was stressed out and fought a lot, seemingly all the time. While they were busy packing, Bill and Karen had an argument over who forgot to fill the car up with gas.

With both of them now in a huff, Bill and Karen got in the car to leave but the car would not start. I'm sure they were thinking "what else can go wrong"? Bill turned the car over again and again and the car was making this awful grinding noise and refused to start.

Bill got out and looked under the hood. Inside was the mangled body of his daughter, Katie. Somehow, amidst the fighting and packing, Bill and Karen lost track of Katie, and she had crawled up into the engine block where she got trapped in a fanbelt. Bill's continuous attempts to start the car had killed his little girl.

Please, PLEASE know where your children are at all times....the little things in life are not worth it when it is SO EASY to lose track of your child. I told this story to my auto mechanic and he said he has heard of 4 instances in the last year about small children doing this. They are very curious, and there is lots of room for a child to crawl under your car.

If your car won't start, open the hood and see if your child is under there. DONT KEEP TURNING THE KEY!!!

PLEASE, do not lose sight of the things that are precious to you!!! Pass this on to everyone you know, and tell them to go home and give their little girl or little boy a hug and say "I love you!!"

I swear this is true. Also, I just got an email saying this weekend the "Bloods" will kill you if you flash your headlights at them. That is all.

-Playaz Public Service announcement

Posted by Phil at 4:02 PM

September 18, 2005

Lance Armstrong & Sheryl Crow announce engagement, future divorce

Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and musician Sheryl Crowannounced the joyous news of their engagement to be married in an interview on ABC's 20/20, and introduced their divorce lawyer Wayne,for their inevitable separation in 12-18 months.
Armstrong spoke admiringly of his fiancee to 20/20's Elizabeth Vargas,
stating that he intends to work on his marriage to Crow just as hard as he did training for the Tour de France. Then, he says, he will simply quit after he's had enough. Crow agreed, stating that she knew from the first moment she met Lance that they would be divorced someday. That prompted her to summon Playaz legal counselor Wayne to handle their future split. Wayne was on hand for the interview and was impressed with Armstrong and Crow's love for each other, as well as their sensibility that it could never last. Wayne was quoted as saying it would be an amicable split, and cited irreconcilable differences as the reason these two celebrity love-birds would soon fall out of love.

Posted by Phil at 6:00 PM

September 9, 2005

Apple to release special edition "PlayaPod"

Apple is set to announce the release of a special edition iPod specifically endorsed by the Playaz. It is called the "PlayaPod", and will have a special design and is scheduled to arrive in retail stores everywhere sometime in the next month.

The PlayaPod will be slightly different than the typical iPod, in that the PlayaPod will not play music, but will display downloaded photos of your favorite Playa. The PlayaPod will allow you to view the Playaz in sequence (for example, you may have a set Playa list of Phil, Wayne, Guv'na, Tac, and Bon) or, you may select the "shuffle" mode and view Playaz in a random sequence (Guv'na, Tac, Wayne, Bon, and Phil).

The PlayaPod is expected to retail for $199.99.

"We think the kids will find the PlayaPod very exciting, and we expect it to be our hottest new product," Steve Jobs was quoted as saying. "In addition, the PlayaPod will feature different 'skins' that you can attach to personalize your PlayaPod. We are developing one now that will feature the color scheme of Bon's argyle sweater vest and electric blue slacks," Jobs added.

Posted by Phil at 3:17 PM

August 31, 2005

Baby Playaz

For months now, I have been watching the mind-altering genius of Baby
Einstein videos. If you have not seen it (meaning, you have no kids),
it is the most bizarre series of photos and live action sequences you
have ever seen, and babies will be glued to it for hours. It is
something you might watch if you were high.

It got me thinking though. These people are making great truckloads of
money. So I think we will steal their idea and make money for
ourselves.

I am announcing the development of "Baby Playaz", a video designed to
educate and stimulate the minds of young toddlers.

Our videos will be similar in nature to the Einstein ones, but not so
much that they can sue us.

We will enthrall babies with our glaring visage emitting from their
television sets. They will not be able to take their eyes off of our
colorful cardigans and turtlenecks.

It is well known that little babies eyes are stimulated by various
patterns and shapes, and our videos will provide that as well. Imagine
your baby staring at Bon's argyle sweater for hours on end, soaking in
the knowledge. Your child will be a genius when he or she watches our
Baby Playaz videos.

Of course, the video will also include plenty of other visual stimuli
that will keep your child's attention such as artistic renderings.

We will also merchandise and develop puppets that will help your baby
learn. On this version, we have attached antlers onto the Tac puppet
that will amuse your child. The Tac puppet can be used to talk to your
toddler about the dangers of "mini-whites". Or, if your child is not
behaving, you may use the Tac puppet to shout profanities at your child
to get him or her to be quiet, or the puppet will become even more angry.

So be on the lookout for this exciting new product that should be hitting the shelves soon.

Posted by Phil at 8:00 AM

August 26, 2005

America's Funniest embarassing moments at Blockbuster

The DVD is nearly complete. We have two versions. There is Tac's, which reportedly is about 22 minutes in length, and mine, which as of this morning is nearly 30 minutes long.

Since I haven't had time to round up photos, I've decided to share with you random things like the drawings below, and today's story, which I hope you will find humorous. It is about a bizarre sequence of events that happened to me at a Blockbuster Video some years ago, while being pursued by 'video nazis' (rcr *wink*).

One particular evening I was dog-sitting for my cousin, and being rather bored decided to cruise over to the local Blockbuster. For reasons unknown, I had a strong desire to watch the movie Halloween. I've
always liked the movie, I just can't explain why on this night I was
dead-set on renting it.

So, I get to the store and go in and I head over to the "horror"
section. The store is fairly crowded that night and there is a group of two guys and two girls standing in the aisle where I knew Halloween would be. I can see about where they are standing that Halloween is situated right in front of them, and the movie is in. I hang back and act as if I'm browsing while they yammer on about whatever crap they are going to rent, waiting for them to eventually leave and go pick up My Best Friend's Wedding or something like that. Then, I hear one of the girls say, "Ooh! What about Halloween?" The group begins debating about it. "No!!", I'm thinking. The girl is adamant that they get it, but the others in the group aren't convinced yet. Finally, one of the guys suggests they look just a little more first.

As the group begins to move to the "new releases" section, I slowly
inch my way down to their end of the aisle. As soon as I determine
their attention is drawn elsewhere, I make my move and grab Halloween.

I want to make a quick getwaway so I immediately turn around and begin
walking away with my video. Not two seconds after I begin walking do I
hear behind me, "Oh my God! It's gone!" My pace doubles.
Now here's the tricky part. I was the only one in the ailse with them at the time, so I can't go straight to the register, or obviously I'm the one who took the video. So I head to the opposite end of the store to act as if I'm still thinking. Second problem. As I'm walking away, I hear one of the girls say "I think that guy took it." Well, now we've just taken this to a whole new level. The video is in my hand (I'm holding the video in front of me so they can't tell for sure if I have anything or not - at least that's what I'm thinking), and I can't let them know it's in my hand, so I have to discard it somewhere else in the store. Why is all of this running through my mind, you ask? I don't know, but for some reason, I didn't want them to think I rented Halloween
because I overheard them saying they wanted to rent it. It was my idea
first, doggone it!! So I dump the video somewhere in the "Romance"
section and then pretend to look at the new releases.

As I am acting as if nothing is wrong and I clearly have not made up my mind and certainly didn't just pick up and hide any videos, the girl approaches me.

"Um, did you just pick up Halloween and then hide it
somewhere?" she asked.

"No. No, I sure didn't," I said back to her giving her a blank stare. A few seconds of awkward silence ensues.

"Um...okay....," she finally says and goes back to her group.

Now what? I've completely dug myself into a hole now. I can't very well get the video while these knuckleheads are still in the store, watching me with their accusatory glances and stares. And I'm not going to stand around and wait them out either. The fact that I had just been busted, so to speak and despite my adamant denials, made me a little uncomfortable to be quite honest with you. So, I decided to leave, Halloween tucked safely away. If I couldn't rent it, neither could they.

I have no idea why I couldn't just own up to it and say I was sorry but I planned on renting the video before I got to the store. I completley panicked, in a sense, but once the wheels started turning, there was no way to stop it. And frankly, I loved every minute of it.
To my knowledge, Halloween may still very well be resting behind Romancing The Stone to this day. I will say this: I laughed the entire ride home.

Posted by Phil at 9:52 AM

August 15, 2005

Playa twins

Was clearing out the memory in my camera today in order to document Playaz Ball, and ran into this photo of my twins.

They are a chip off the old block. They are similar in many ways, except for their unusual hair-growth pattern.

Posted by Phil at 8:56 PM

August 7, 2005

Getting back to nature

We had a great weekend - did a little whitewater rafting in the North
Georgia mountains. Killed a couple of backwoods mountain men. My
favorite part of the trip was when Kenny played a little 'Dueling
Banjos' with an inbred retarded kid we met on the way to the river.
Hope you all had a good weekend as well.

Posted by Phil at 1:34 PM

July 30, 2005

When Kenny left the bookstore, not a Gatlin boy was standin'

Put simply, do not mess with Kenny Rogers.

Posted by Phil at 2:11 PM

July 28, 2005

Oh, the humanity!

I have been living in my own fiery hell recently as my air-conditioning went out the other day. Here in my home state of Georgia, the heat index has been hovering around the 105 degree mark for the past three days. I noticed on the thermostat that my living room and downstairs was at a balmy 83 degrees and rising. So
basically I've been forced to live in the nude, with a consistent layer of sweat glistening off my body working as nature's air conditioner.

With my skin bubbling to a simmering broil, I called around to several
air-conditioning companies to come look at my unit (the hvac unit
outside, not my genitalia), but the earliest anyone could come out was
next week. No good. Fortunately, Tac hooked me up with one of his many
connections and had a man out the same day to fix the inferno that was
my house.

I am pleased to say that my air-conditioner is back up and running!
So, thank you Tac! I have a crisp $5 bill waiting for you for your
troubles.

Life in my un-airconditioned house

Posted by Phil at 1:55 AM

July 27, 2005

Cracked rear view

Thanks to some genius mailbox installations, Tac recently had his side mirror on his Chevy Z-71 pickup (yeah, c'mon) broken due to one particular mailbox installed too close to the curb so that it stuck out into the roadway.

Normally, Tac would have taken a baseball bat to the offending mailbox
and the gentleman who installed it, but Tac decided he needed some
monetary restitution in addition to an ass whipping.
And that's when you call this man:

I know of no man who wishes to be found liable for punitive and compensatory damages in a court of law, and receive a roundhouse kick to the face by the plantiff's attorney.

Justice will be served.

Posted by Phil at 5:49 PM

July 22, 2005

"Asscorn" sweeping the nation

Yesterday, I discussed my insightfulness and entertaining comments on other people's blogs. One such blogger who goes by DC Cookie broached the subject of people simply adding a one-syllable noun to the end of the word "ass", and I gave a few examples and thus, coined the phrase "asscorn".

It appears to be working wonderfully, as cited by uses of the word here and on D.C. Sports latest blog here.
Hopefully, my legacy when I die will be that 'asscorn' has worked its
way into everyday conversation and a spot in Webster's Dictionary.

Posted by Phil at 2:40 PM

July 17, 2005

Bon's steroid testimony before Congress

Many of you may not be aware of this, but in March of this year, Bon
was subpoenaed to testify along with Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Raphael
Palmiero and Curt Schilling before Congress regarding abuses of steroids in professional sports.

While other stars of the sport were reluctanct to testify openly, it was Bon's testimony that encouraged baseball to enact stiffer penalties for those players caught abusing the drug. Bon arrived in a red izod cardigan sweater, kangol, and turtleneck. But in a stunning turn of events, Bon chose to remove his sweater and turtleneck and testified shirtless before Congress, in an effort to demonstrate what a natural-toned body should look like. Bon's glistening shirtless appearance impressed congress greatly, and along
with Bon's impassioned plea for banning the drug, caused Congress to seriously reprimand baseball commissioner Bud Selig to step up his efforts to eliminate abuse.

It appears to have worked. As we have passed the 'midway' point in the
baseball season, players are visibly smaller, and home runs are fewer.
A job well done, Bon.

Selig listens intently to Bon's testimony

Posted by Phil at 11:51 AM

July 9, 2005

Damn dirty geese......

Bon rises from the deep to extiguish another foe...

Posted by Phil at 2:24 PM

June 23, 2005

Dinner is served

Dinner is served
I typically fish for my family's dinner and tonight was no exception. I don't fish with "rods" and "hooks". I simply dive in and grab whatever I can. They call it "noodling" in the south and tonight I think I caught us dinner for the next 3 weeks.

I was burrowed up under some asphalt where the lake had washed out the
dirt underneath, when lo and behold I snagged this catfish that I
approximate to weigh around 100 lbs. I am such a skilled fisherman you
will note in the picture that my Kangol still rests perfectly on my
head.

Bon prefers to use dynamite, or a 9 millimeter to shoot the fish, but I am a true sportsman and prefer to do battle with them mano a pescada.

With fish as large as these, you can imagine I've run into trouble
before. I have been bitten by a wide variety of fish & reptiles
roughly 131 times. My wife guts and cleans the fish, and then we have
quite the feast. Even my infant girls enjoy the taste of fish. The
doctor says they are too young to eat fish, but if it was good enough
for me it is good enough for them. They prefer bream, as it is the
sweeter of the fish meats! Add some sourcream and onion potato chips, a brownie for desert, and you have quite a meal my friend.

Posted by Phil at 7:36 PM

May 12, 2005

Tac & Kenny 1982 Country Music Awards

Kenny & Tac

Here is a favorite picture of mine featuring Tac and Kenny backstage at the 1982 Country Music Awards. Tac was telling a reporter about the
time he mistakenly walked in on Dolly Parton in the nude, and this
greatly amused Kenny.

Posted by Phil at 5:21 PM

May 4, 2005

Bon's thought of the day

Random thoughts from my friend Bon: The
Al Qaida guy they caught today looks like the devil. He looks like he
is made of wax and they drug him out of that museum in London.

Posted by Phil at 2:16 PM

April 27, 2005

It's me, Phil

Hello. And welcome to Playaz Ball. As you can see, I am what is known
on the streets as a "Playa". But a refined Playa. Look at my
well-groomed mustache, and the contemplative way I hold my pipe. A
classy turtleneck. And there you have it.

It gets lonely on the road, and I need a little place where I can share my thoughts. Where is this crazy ride going to take us? Who knows. I can tell you this: You will want to read my blog. You will not be able resist it. Some of you may even feel a bit nauseous, yet you are unable to look away.

I will regale you with tales of other Playaz, and our misadventures.
Other days I will not entertain you at all. It will be my choice.
On the right you will find links to some of my favorite people. In
particular, Larry Holmes and Kenny Rogers.

So, enjoy.

Posted by Phil at 4:32 PM