January 11, 2007

"We've got spirit, yes we do", by: The Guv'na

I find this a fascinating and yet embarrassing cheer.

One side claims to have spirit and inquires of the other if they do as well. The opposition replies that they too have spirit and asks the other if it is sure that they have spirit. The other responds by reaffirming their original claim to having spirit, followed by a seemingly moot questioning of the opposition's level of spirit.

This continues until one side makes a surprising proclamation to having more spirit than the other. This final claim, which ends the debate immediately, is repeated several times by the most spirited side and routinely goes unchallenged by the other side.

Yet, what is the basis for this claim? No side presents any evidence of spirit other than the simple statement of having it. Rather, it seems that any side can claim - at any time - to have the most spirit.

Given these dynamics, my advice to any group asked of their level of spirit would be an immediate claim of having more, thus ending the debate. Conversely, I would never advise a group to ask another if they have spirit, lest they respond in like manner. If a group would like to express their opinion that they have the most spirit, I would recommend a new cheer that consists simply of "We've got more spirit that you!"

For consultation on topics like this or otherwise, please contact The Guv'na's Consulting Services (a subsidiary of Playaz, Inc.)

Posted by Phil at 11:13 AM | Comments (25)

January 4, 2007

Guv'na reportedly won back soul in fiddle-playing competition with Satan

Following Guv'na's miraculous return from the grave, it was finally revealed how the Guv'na mysteriously resurrected himself from a most certain eternity in Hades.

The Guv'na defeated Satan and won back his soul after a "fiddle duel" brought about from a challenge from Lucifer himself.

Long known to have a weakness to fiddle competitions, particularly against southern gentlemen, Satan approached Guv'na with the promise of a bargain. Engage in a battle of fiddling, whereby a victory by the Guv'na would guarantee not only a golden fiddle, but also the reclamation of his lost soul. A victory by the Devil, however, would result in a lifetime of servitude the Lord of Darkness, plus a Christmas card signed by all the Playaz.

A "heated" exchange ensued....The Devil dragged his bow with his chorus of demons and brought forth an evil hiss. Upon completion of the Devil's fiddle solo, the Guv'na replied "well, you're pretty good old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it's done."

The Guv'na then played the following, in rapid sequence:

Ace Of Spades
Allentown Polka
Angeline The Baker
Arkansas Traveler
Ashoken Farewell
Back Up And Push
Beaumont Rag
Bill Cheatham
Billy In The Lowground
Bitter Creek
Black And White Rag
Black Eyed Suzie
Black Mountain Rag
Blackberry Blossom
Boil Them Cabbage Down
Bonaparte's Retreat
Brilliancy
Bully Of The Town
Calgary Polka
Cattle In The Cane
Champagne Polka
Chancellor's Waltz
Cherokee Shuffle
Chicken Reel
Chinky Pin
Chinquapin
Choctaw
Cincinnati Rag
Clarinet Polka
Cottoneyed Joe
Cottonpatch Rag
Cripple Creek
Cuckoo's Nest
Did You Ever See The Devil, Uncle Joe?
Dill Pickle Rag
Don't Let Your Deal Go Down
Done Gone
Down Yonder
Draggin' The Bow
Durang's Hornpipe
Durham's Bull
Dusty Miller
East Tennessee Blues
Eighth Of January
Festival Waltz
Fiddler's Dream
Fiddler's Waltz
Fifty Years Ago Waltz
Fire On The Mountain
Fireman's Reel
Fisher's Hornpipe
Flop Eared Mule
Forked Deer
Gardenia Waltz
Gaudette Polka
Georgianna Moon
German Waltz
Get Up John
Golden Eagle Hornpipe
Golden Slippers
Goodbye Liza Jane
Goodnight Waltz
Grandfather Polka
Grey Eagle
Hell Among The Yearlings
Herman's Rag
Highland Hornpipe
Home With The Girls In The Morning
Hop Light Ladies
Hotfoot
I Don't Love Nobody
Jack Of Diamonds
Jerusalem Ridge
Jesse Polka
Jolie Blonde
Katy Hill
Kelly's Waltz
Leather Britches
Lee Highway Blues
Liberty
Limerock
Listen To The Mockingbird
Little Beggarman
Lone Star Rag
Lonesome Fiddle Blues
Lonesome John
Lonesome Moonlight Waltz
Lost Highway Blues
Lost Indian
Maidens Prayer
Martin's Waltz
Memory Waltz
Midnight On The Water
Miss Mcleod's Reel
Mississippi Sawyer
Old Joe Clark
Over The Waterfall
Over The Waves
Paddy On The Turnpike
Rachel
Raggedy Ann
Ragtime Annie
Red Haired Boy
Red Wing
Road To Columbus
Rose Of Allenvale
Rose Of Sharon
Roxanna Waltz
Rubber Dolly
Rye Straw
Sail Away Ladies
Sally Ann
Sally Goodin
Sally Johnson
Salt River
Say Old Man
Snow Flake Reel
Soldiers Joy
Soppin' The Gravy
St. Anne's Reel
Star Of The County Down
Stone's Rag
Stoney Point
Sweetheart Schottische
Temperence Reel
Tennessee Wagoner
Texas Schottische
Tom And Jerry
Tugboat
Turkey In The Straw
Twinkle Little Star
Under The Double Eagle
Wagoner
Washington County
Wednesday Night Waltz
Westphalia Waltz
Whiskey Before Breakfast
Wild Fiddler's Rag
and
Year Of Jubilo

The Devil, conceding defeat, granted Guv'na his soul back.

"Devil, just come on back if you ever want to try again," Guv'na said. "But I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

Not being a sore winner, Guv'na gave Satan his mink coat. The Devil asked "Guv'na, does your mink bite?" The Guv'na replied, "No".

Posted by Phil at 10:10 PM | Comments (23)

December 20, 2006

A Christmas Miracle!

And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.

But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.

And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."

But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.

And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."

And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.

Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM | Comments (438)

December 1, 2006

Reminiscing

Go back to a time, if you will...sometime in the 1980’s. A young Phil has just received three new pairs of jeans to wear to school. These jeans, however, are not the normal fair (Levi/Lee, the prevalent jeans of choice for males at my school). They are Wrangler. "Well, I guess Wrangler are as good as any," thinks Phil. He is wrong. Phil is in for the worst heckling he has ever experienced in his life this day.

Donning the jeans, they are instantly recognized as non-Levi/non-Lee jeans. The jingle that made Wrangler popular ("Here comes Wrangler, he's one tough customer, and he knows what he likes when he sees it..(oooh, Wran-gler!)") instantly comes to mind of the Guv’na - a great friend, but a tremendous bastard when he gets hold of something negative. Not only is it sung ad-nauseum, but it catches on around the school to the point where EVERYBODY sings it any time I walk by. It was a hellish school day.

As I get in my car to go home, I announce to my Mom that I will never wear these jeans again and explain the ridicule and torment I went through, primarily at the hands of The Guv'na. Mom is forced to return the jeans and buy me jeans that did not have a catchy theme song (Levi's).

Fast forward a few days. The Guv’na is coming home with Phil to spend the night. My mom must have been harboring some massive resentment towards Guv’na for days because she rips into him almost immediately. "I had to return three perfectly good pairs of jeans yesterday because you made fun of Phil!!", she screamed at Guv'na. Guv’na is stunned and does not know what to say.

Phil never wore those jeans again, and still will not to this day.

Posted by Phil at 9:16 AM | Comments (54)

September 28, 2005

Guten tag, Guv'na!

Manny (aka, The Guv'na) is currently in Germany and sends us his photos from Oktoberfest- I will let Manny tell you about his adventures:

This is where the Guv'na's story begins...

At Oktoberfest, there are these huge tents/buildings for many of the big breweries in Germany. Inside are tons of picnic tables. Many are reserved, but most of them are general admission. What you do is pick a tent, find a table, and flag down a beer maiden. Beers cost 7.50 euros, which is about $9, but they are one liter (usually less though, due to the foam).

Things quickly escalated for the Guvna. At our table was a German marine, who simply could not be convinced that I was not in some branch of the US military. He kept challenging me to various tests of strength. At one point, he had me hoist a full beer above my head for as long as possible. Apparently, he held some record for 12+ minutes. I think I made it two until (luckily) he lost interest. Then came arm wrestling. I don't know if you can tell, but he's about twice my size, so I was going along with whatever he suggested. After my quick loss, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me on the lips for about 10 seconds. This picture was taken immediately after. Note how my eyes are tightly shut. If you could see my mouth, you'd see that I was spitting and choking as well.

This gal needed a nap, I suppose.

This guy sidled up to our table and for two hours never said a word to anyone. I have no idea what he was smoking, but it gave him a very content look. I spoke only these words to him over the course of two hours: "Can I take your picture?"

Getting good....

Posted by Phil at 9:39 AM | Comments (18)

August 17, 2005

'Twas the night before Playaz Ball

Twas the night before Playaz Ball, when all through the house
Not a Playa was stirring, not even a mouse,
The kangols were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Kenny Rogers soon would be there.
The Playaz were nestled all snug in their bed,
While visions of Larry Holmes danced in their heads,
And Bon in his cardigan, and Wayne in his cap,
Tac just settled his head for a long winter's nap...
When out in the bush there arose such a clatter,
Guv'na sprang from the children's bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the white Charleston sands
Gave the lustre of mid-day to the Playaz' multitude of fans,
When, what did our wondering eyes see through the light so dim?,
But a white stretch limo, packed with a cooler full of bream,
With a grey bearded passenger, though surely no codger,
We knew in a moment it must be Kenny Rogers
More rapid than eagles the Playaz they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the Playaz by name:
"Now, Playaz! now, Guvn'na! now Wayne and Tac!
On, Bon! on Phil! the Gambler is back!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
So out to the driveway the Playaz they flew,
With the limo full of tasty bream, and Kenny Rogers too.
Guv'na greeted Kenny, dressed in fur from his head to his foot,
And his mink coat was tarnished with vomit and soot.
A fresh kill of geese Bon had flung in his sack,
And he looked like a true Playa welcoming Kenny back.
Kenny's eyes -- how they twinkled -- his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his chest very hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe the Playaz' held tight in their teeth,
And the smoke it encircled Kenny's head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and in our adulation he did bask,
Though we laughed when we saw him, in his favorite leather mask.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon let Playaz to know we had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He filled our stockings with Gentleman Jack; then turned with a jerk,
Kenny then layed his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney Kenny rose.
He sprang to his limo, to head on his way,
And away he and Larry Holmes drove to meet Diane Parkinson for a 3-way.
But we heard Kenny exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Playaz Ball to all, and to all a good-night!"

Posted by Phil at 10:00 AM | Comments (2)

June 22, 2005

The story of Wayne and the Rascal's crushed scrotum

Once upon a time, in the year 1983, on a particularly sunny school day, class rascal Mark Paschall was severely kicked in the scrotum by a young Wayne with such force that had never been seen before or after by his fellow Playaz.

It appears the animated Paschall, who was known for his ability to
pester others at a level only surpassed by the Guvna himself, had been
badgering Wayne for an undetermined period of time with various antics
such as dancing around, incessant chattering, and general tom-foolery.

An obviously agitated Wayne warned Paschall that any further annoyances would result in a strike to the ball sack. Paschall immediately dismissed this warning as idle talk, only a part of the game Paschall was playing. It was not.

Paschall's loins unprotected, Wayne rared back is right foot and with a mighty boot, caught Paschall squarely on the nutsack. The collision
between foot and testicle was so brutal it had actually caused Paschall to rise off the ground, before crumpling into a heap of blistering pain and nausea. Stunned onlookers could not believe Wayne's follow through on his threat, while some even considered the punishment too severe for the crime. No matter, the deed had been done.

A motionless Paschall remained on the side of the softball field, while other school children continued their play. One classmate was quoted as saying "he may have been a rascal, for his name is Mark Paschall, but really he is a very nice guy."

The End.

Posted by Phil at 5:18 PM | Comments (23)

May 2, 2005

Mr. Sharpton's wild toilet bowl ride

Manny - aka, The Guv'na - travels quite frequently and has seen many interesting things in his travels. He has witnessed the deaths of two prominent civic and business leaders in airports - former Atlanta mayor Maynard Jackson, and former McDonald's CEO Jim Cantalupo.

But the more interesting tale involves Manny's brush with Al Sharpton.
Or rather, Al Sharpton's feces. Manny wishes it were not so much a
"brush with Al Sharpton" but more "handing a toilet brush to Al
Sharpton". I'll let Manny tell the tale:

"I was sitting in first class on a flight when I noticed Sharpton walking the aisle, stretching his legs, I presume. He was dressed in what I assumed was a custom-tailored suit, complete with cufflinks, and strutting like a greyhound that had just humped every b***** in the kennel.

Meanwhile, I've got a guy next to me that had gone to sleep with a full glass of red wine between the two of us. At some point here, Sharpton heads for the latrine. Several minutes later, my seatmate has one of those mid-sleep spasms and knocks the wine in my lap, quickly tinting my crotch a nice shade of burgundy. The flight attendants give me some club soda and I head for the bathroom to salvage my pants. Much to my chagrin, the lav is occupied. A couple of minutes later, out struts Sharpton, leaving a near-visible odor behind him. As I enter the toilet, I can see that the lid is up. Spread across the interior of the toilet bowl are the remnants of Al's poo. It looked like someone had put jello pudding in a Cuisinart. How Al managed to leave such a spray pattern is a mystery to me. I only wish I'd had a camera."

Posted by Phil at 10:01 AM | Comments (18)