December 22, 2009
Angels and Demons
"Who are you?"
"My name is Clarence, and I'm your Guardian Angel. I came down here to save you, Phil."
"Save me?? Save me from what?"
"You've been given a great gift, Phil. You've truly had a wonderful blog. And now I'm going to help you see what a gift you've been given by showing you what the internet would be like if you'd never been born."
"Never been born?! Who said I wished I had never been born?! I just get tired of updating this stupid, penny-ante blog every once in a while, so what? Let me explain something to you, Mr. "Clarence", if that's who you really are, I am an important man. A rich man. Richer than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I can have any woman I want. I can do whatever I want...."
"But, Phil, once I've been given my orders, I can't...."
"Have you ever felt the wrath of the Playaz, Clarence? I know you haven't because there isn't a man or beast that has been left alive to be able to tell about it! If you don't go back to where you came from...."
"I'm sorry, Phil, the decision has been made to teach you a lesson."
"Then I've made a decision of my own, Clarence. I've decided that you will wish you had never been born!"
"AAAHHHH!! Oh God!"
"God won't help you, now, Clarence! You're going to burn...along with the rest of this town."
"No! Stop! How is this possible? I'm already dead...I don't understand how can this be happ- "
"Eat lead, Clarence! Now to take care of unfinished business!"
"Happy New Year to you, Hammer! In Hell!"
"So long, movie house! So long, Emporium! So long, you &%$ old Building & Loan!"
"SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!"
"Well, Joseph, that didn't turn out as well as we hoped. What do we do with Clarence, now?"
"Didn't turn out well? It turned out great! We've finally gotten rid of that bumbling idiot. Send him to Hell."
"Yes, Joseph. Oh -- Merry Christmas, Joseph."
"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too."
Posted by Phil at 1:10 PM
December 13, 2009
"Give me my robe, Phil!"
"I've read about things like this, but I never...."
"Shame on you Phil Braun! I'm going to tell your mother on you!"
"Oh, my mother's way up on the corner over there."
"Then I'll call the police!"
"They're way downtown. They'd be on my side, too. Look, we're both already undressed, so.."
"Then, then, then I'm going to scream!"
"You better believe it!..."
(screeeecch!)
"Phil! Phil!Come on home.
Quick."
"Your blog! It had a stroke!"
"What?!"
"The comments went down suddenly, and nobody's reading it anymore!"
"Mary! Mary, I'm sorry.
I've got to go."
"Come on, Phil. Let's hurry!"
- Did you get tech support?
- Yes. The Geek Squad is there now.
(later)
"I think that's all we'll need you for, Phil, I know you're anxious to make your plane."
"Yes, I have a limosine waiting downstairs."
"I want the Board to know that Phil delayed his trip to Hedonism to help straighten
things out here these past few months."
"Good luck to you at Hedonism, Phil."
- Thanks.
- Good luck! So long!
"Now we come to the real purpose of this meeting...to appoint a successor
to our dear friend, Phil Braun"
"Mr. Chairman, I'd like to get to my real purpose."
- Wait just a minute now. Hammer!? How did you get on this board??
- How I got here isn't important! Besides it's well known the Playaz will do anything to make a buck! I bought my way on this board."
"Therefore, I claim this blog is no longer necessary to this town. So, Mr. Chairman, I make a motion to dissolve this blog immediately and turn its assets and liabilities over
to the receiver."
"Hammer, you dirty, contemptible..."
"I'll wring his neck, so help me, Phil..."
"....it's too soon after Don Knott's death to talk about chloroforming Playaz Ball.com."
"Don Knotts died years ago."
I second Mr. Hammer's motion.
"Very well. In that case, I'll ask the
five Playaz to withdraw."
"But before you go, I'm sure the whole Board wishes to express its deep sorrow. It was their faith and devotion that are responsible for this organization."
"I'll go further than that. I'll say that to the public, Phil Braun was the Playaz Ball blog."
"Oh, that's fine, Hammer, coming from you, considering that your crazy posts probably drove this blog to its grave!"
"This blog was not "mainstream". That's what killed it. Oh, I don't mean any disrespect God rest its soul. This was a blog of high ideals, so-called."
But ideals without catering to the lowest common denominator can ruin a blog. Now, you take this feature here, Larry Holmes..you know, that fellow that sits around all day on his brains in Easton, PA, former boxer you know.
"I happen to know that nobody under the age of 30 has ever heard of him, but he comes here and we're building an entire story line around him as a featured guest star of this blog."
- Why?
- Well, I handled that, Mr. Hammer.
You have all the papers there. His salary, insurance. I can personally vouch for his character.
- A friend of yours, Phil?
- Yes.
"You see, if you shoot pool with some washed up celebrity here, you can come and be a part of the blog."
"What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Phil Braun stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas."
- Now, I say...
- Just a minute. Just a...
Just a minute. Now, hold on, Hammer. You're right when you say we are no savvy bloggers. I know that. Why we ever started this cheap penny-ante website, I'll never know. But neither you nor anybody else can say anything against our character, because our whole life was..Why, in the twenty-five years since me and Uncle Guv'na, and Bon, and Tac and Wayne started this thing, we never once thought of you readers. Isn't that right, Uncle Guv'na? We didn't write to cater to you shiftless mouthbreathers, we did it for us!
But we did help a few people get out of their ruts, Mr. Hammer. And what's wrong with that? Why...here, you are all bloggers here. Who doesn't have a blog, these days?
Just remember this, Mr. Hammer, that this rabble you're talking about...they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, it is too much to have them work and pay and live and die with a half-way unique blog to read? Anyway, we didn't think so. People are the life-blood of the Playaz, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book, we'll die much richer men than you'll ever be."
"I'm not interested in your book Phil. I'm talking about Playaz Ball.com."
"I know very well what you're talking about. You're talking about something you can't get your fingers on, and it's galling you. That's what you're talking about, I know. Well, I, I, I've said too much. I... You're, you're the Board here. You do what you want with this thing. There's j-just one thing more though. This town needs this blog if only to have some place where people can come without crawling to the likes of Throwing Hammers!"
"Sentimental hogwash! I want my motion."
"Oh boy, that was telling him, Phil, old boy. You shut his big mouth. You should have heard him."
"What happened? We heard a lot of yelling."
Well, our blog is being shut down after five years."
"Easy come, easy go."
Here it is.
"Help wanted - Playa."
(limo driver): "You still want me hang around, Phil?"
"Yeah, I'll be right down."
"Hey, you'll miss your plane. You're a week late for Hedonism already. Go on."
- What's going on in there?
- Oh, never mind. Don't worry about that.
Phil!
Phil!
They voted Hammer down. They want to keep it going!"
- Whoopee!
- You did it, Phil, you did it.
"But they got one condition, only one condition."
- What's that?
- That's the best part of it. They've appointed Phil here to continue as Executive Secretary of the blog!
Oh, no! But, Guv'na...
"You can keep him on, Phil. That's all right. As Secretary you can hire anyone you like."
"Now let's get this thing straight. I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to Hedonism! I'm going to get naked and have sex with every woman I can get my hands on! This is my last chance. Uncle Guv'na here, he's your man."
"But, Phil, they'll give it to Hammer otherwise."
I know, I know, he didn't go.
That's right, Clarence. Not only that, but he gave his trip to Wayne, and sent him to Hedonism. Wayne set some kind of world record there.
Yeah, but what happened to Phil?
Phil got older, waiting for one of the other Playaz to take over the blog for him.
Posted by Phil at 11:08 AM
December 8, 2009
Hello, Joseph. Trouble?
Looks like we'll have to send someone down.
A lot of people asking for help for a man named Phil Braun.
Phil Braun..... Yes. Tonight's his crucial night. You're right.
We'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it?
That's why I came to see you, sir. It's that clock-maker's turn again.
Oh, Clarence. Hasn't got his wings yet, has he?
Ever since George Bailey committed that murder/suicide, we've passed him up right along. Because, you know, sir, he's got the I.Q. of a rabbit.
Yes, but he's got a raving drug habit along with a slight sexual addiction. He'll fit right in with Phil.
Joseph, send for Clarence.
You sent for me, sir?
Yes, Clarence. A man down on earth needs our help.
Splendid! Is he sick?
No.
Did he run out of cocaine?
No. Worse. He's discouraged.
At exactly ten forty-five P.M., earth-time, that man will be thinking seriously of throwing away God's greatest gift.
Oh, dear, dear! His blog! Then I have only an hour to dress. What are they wearing now?
You will spend that hour getting acquainted with Philemon P. Braun.
Sir...If I should accomplish this mission...I mean, uh, might I perhaps win my wings? I've been waiting for over two hundred years now, sir...and well, that whole George Bailey thing was kind of embarrassing.
Clarence, you do a good job with Phil and you'll get your wings.
Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
Poor Phil. Sit down.
Sit down?! What are we...
If you're going to help a man, you want
to know something about him, don't you?
- Well, naturally, of course, I...
- Well, keep your eyes open.
- See the town?
- Where? I...I don't see a thing.
Oh, I forgot. You haven't got your wings yet.
Now look, I'll help you out. Concentrate.
Begin to see something?
Hey, who's that?
- That's your problem, Phil Braun.
- An old man?!
No, idiot the other guy with the mustache. The old man he used to work for as a drug mule when he was young.
Something happens here you'll have to remember later on.
"Hold it! Hold it!......I wish old man Gower would owe me a million dollars.....Hot dog!!"
"That's not how it works, Phil!"
"You owe me!"
"(Sigh) whatever...you sure made plenty for me back in the old days, running everything from vicodin to cocaine out of this little pharmacy of mine and selling on the black market."
"I sure miss those days sometimes, Mr. Gower. Remember that kid? The one with the diptheria we accidentally gave heroin to?"
"Boy, do I....too bad he died."
"Yes, but he died happy."
"You okay, Phil? Something on your mind? You only come by here when you're down."
"Ahhh...just thinking. Getting on in years and I'm getting tired. The blogosphere isn't what it used to be."
"Yeah I know. But you still enjoy it, don't you? I mean, what would the world do without your blog?"
"I do enjoy it, Mr. Gower. And I know, people couldn't live without us. But sometimes I feel like our blog is taking up space on the internet that could be better used for more porn. Anyway, I'm thinking I may leave it to one of the other Playaz."
"I understand. Well, Phil, it was good seeing you. I hope I see you again, soon, even if it's in some fourth dimension-alternate universe type deal."
"So long, Mr. Gower."
Posted by Phil at 7:30 PM
November 5, 2009
Shocking discovery! Mysterious "wolf-man" turns out to be Kenny Rogers
In a surprising turn, the Playaz captured the mysterious "wolf-man" who had been lurking in the woods and savaging women who happened upon him, and discovered him to be none other than Kenny Rogers.
Tac was able to subdue the ravenous Rogers shortly after taking aim with his .38 and nearly putting a silver bullet in Kenny's abdomen. Fortunately, Tac suddenly recognized the hirsute country crooner before firing the shot and verified his identity.
Rogers explained that his voracious sexual appetite peaks right around Halloween and the month of October. At that time, Kenny takes on a transformation and feels compelled to take to the nearby woods, scavenging the countryside for wayward women before he pounces from the brush and makes savage love to them. All of his victims stated afterward that their act with Kenny was consensual, and 'wonderful'.
It was after his "capture" that Kenny suddenly transformed from full beard back to a simple goatee.
Kenny stated he will spend the remainder of the year performing a Christmas show in Branson, Missouri.
Posted by Phil at 10:05 PM
October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween! Beware, the mysterious "wolf-man"!
Beware!!!
Posted by Phil at 9:30 AM
October 29, 2009
"Wolf-man" strikes again; Playaz baffled
The notorious "wolf-man", who has been lurking about the nearby forest leapt at a woman once again this evening.
The Playaz have not been able to obtain a very clear description of this creature, and despite extensive searches, have come up empty as to the identity of the man-beast.
However, a recently savaged woman described the wolf-man as terrifying, yet slightly handsome. The night stalker is said to be wearing a blazer, or sport-coat, with the sleeves pushed up, revealing extremely hairy appendages. What areas of the creature that are not covered in hair are described as "tanned". The wolf-man also wears tight fitting trousers.
The search continues. The wolf-man is said to be attracted to women wearing sequined attire and heavy make-up, and if the woman has a particularly lovely singing voice, she is said to be more susceptible to attack.
Posted by Phil at 7:06 PM
October 28, 2009
Playaz investigate mysterious "wolf-man"
The Playaz are investigating reports of a mysterious creature that has been lurking in the foggy woods nearby.
An unknown beast, hirsute in nature, has not been clearly seen by any of its victims. Multiple women have been found savaged by the creature, their clothes torn away and often left in a state of breathless bewilderment, fright, and oddly, titillation.
The Playaz have issued a city-wide man hunt for this "wolf-man" in an effort to capture the creature. While no one knows its present whereabouts, it can often be heard growling out a strangely melodic sound that emanates from the darkened wood.
Posted by Phil at 9:43 PM
February 2, 2009
"Punxsutawney Phil" assassinated
Beloved groundhog "Punxsutawney Phil" was assassinated early this morning shortly after emerging from his burrow to predict the weather as he does each February 2nd.
A bullet shattered the skull of the groundhog, splattering his "inner cirlce" of handlers with it's blood, before the groundhog could make his annual forecast.
Onlookers state they heard the shot come from a nearby belltower.
No arrests were made.
Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM
January 5, 2009
Clintons resuscitate Wayne in Times Square tradition
Bill and Hillary Clinton participated in what has become a New Year's tradition when they resuscitated Wayne from unconsciousness in the heart of Times Square .
The former President and his wife, current New York Senator and expected to be newly appointed Secretary of State, along with New York Mayor Bloomberg performed CPR on Wayne just minutes before midnight among a throng of hundreds of thousands of celebrants ringing in the New Year.
Each year in Times Square, inevitably one of the Playaz is subjected to some form of heart stoppage due to excessive celebration. After several years of this, the mayor decided to invite a special guest each year to revive the Playa who stops breathing.
Wayne had what was believed to be a massive heart attack around 11:58 p.m., at which point the Clintons began chest compressions and alternating breathing air into Wayne's lungs, while the mayor listened for the expected heartbeat.
"5!! 4!! 3!! 2!! 1!!" the crowd shouted, counting pumps along with the Clintons. "5!! 4!! 3!! 2!! 1!!" they repeated until finally Wayne came to, amidst roaring cheers. "Happy New Year!" Wayne shouted, as he resumed his drinking and comet dust ingestion.
(Mark Trail continues his story later this week!)
Posted by Phil at 10:29 AM
December 24, 2008
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Posted by Phil at 10:48 AM
December 16, 2008
Playaz' Christmas party filled with holiday cheer, some waterboarding
The Playaz annual Christmas party was held this past weekend, with party-goers enjoying the decorative gathering in this special season exchanging presents, renewing old friendships, and subject to some torture.
The Playaz Christmas party is a tradition like no other. Guests look forward to the Playaz holiday themed games, such as the kangol exchange, bobbing for solidified comet dust, kill the duck-duck-goose (Bon's favorite), as well as being "waterboarded".
Waterboarding is commonly known as a form of interrogation - and the Playaz put a "Christmas" spin on this "party enhancer" by quizzing guests as to what they bought the Playaz this year for Christmas. Delighted guests often get doused with water for longer periods if their answer does not satisfy the Playaz. It is also required to obtain information from the guests as to the whereabouts of said present.
At such a time when the interviewee has given the Playaz the information they require, they can often be seen excitedly scampering off to retrieve and open their gift (or receive some monetary set-off if the gift is not of appropriate value to the Playaz).
The Playaz state that the guests "suffering" helps them appreciate Christmas and the spirit of giving even more.
Posted by Phil at 3:55 PM
December 10, 2008
Playaz receive $1 billion in 'bailout' money from Congress for Christmas cards
The Playaz brought their proposal before Congress this week to receive up to one billion dollars in U.S. taxpayer money to ensure that they will be able to send out "christmas cards" this year.
Congresswoman Pelosi stated that it was imperative the Playaz receive the money, as the multitude of Americans adversely affected if they did not receive their Playaz' christmas card this year would be devastating.
The Playaz laid out the fee schedule that included printing charges, postage, fuel costs to pick up the cards and deliver them to the post office, and other "miscellaneous" costs associated with the cards that were never specified.
Congress was expected to approve the money, which would be immediately ratified by President Bush. The Playaz requested the money be delivered "in cash".
The cards are expected to be printed at Walgreen's this week, and mailed out sometime before Christmas.
Posted by Phil at 3:29 PM
May 25, 2008
Record box office receipts are rolling in
Be sure and catch our movie this Memorial Day Weekend.
Due to heart attacks and uncontrolled defecation, no one will be seated in the theater for the first 30 minutes of this movie!
Posted by Phil at 4:30 PM
December 27, 2007
A Very Kenny Christmas
The message that Kenny wants to extend to you this Holiday Season is: Kenny is doing very well, thanks.
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas.
Posted by Phil at 11:21 AM
July 2, 2007
Get down to 'Uncle Tac's' Fireworks & Primary Explosives for all your Fourth of July needs
As Independence Day nears, don't spend your holiday without visiting Uncle Tac's "Detonation Station" for all your Fourth of July entertainment needs!!
Tac's is a full service retail outlet that serves to make your Fourth end up with a bang!!
Geared more towards the primary, secondary, and tertiary explosives and less on the "fireworks", Uncle Tac has everything you need to blow up that ditch, dam, shed, abandoned automobile, neighbor's automobile, that is sure to "wow" your friends and relatives this patriotic holiday.
Stock up for your neighborhood extravaganza....Uncle Tac has:
Nitroglycerin
C-4
Trinitroluene (TNT)
Compositions A & B
Tetrytols
Dynamite
Black Powder
Battery Acid
...and much, much more!
Watch your neighbors run for cover when you detonate "Jumbo" for your Grand Finale...and when the smoke clears and the rubble is swept away, you can tell them it was all thanks to "Uncle Tac's"!!
"Jumbo"
Come on down!
Posted by Phil at 4:51 PM
February 13, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day now leave me alone
I had an idea to give you the Playaz' Valentine's Day cards, but instead I decided to get the stomach flu (as did the rest of my family).
Instead, go visit someone else who is less sick and has already prepared Valentine's Day Cards for your entertainment and leave me to wallow in my own filth.
Brandon Bird's Law & Order: SVU Valentines
Posted by Phil at 10:30 AM
December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Update: 12/25/06
Rest in Peace, James Brown.
Posted by Phil at 9:50 PM
December 20, 2006
A Christmas Miracle!
And the Playaz came from the East, bearing gifts of gold, frankinscence, and myrrh to lay at the tomb of the Guv'na, deceased for many months after being run over by Phil with a Ford F-150.
But when they arrived, there was a violent earthquake. And the ghost of Conway Twitty appeared before them. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were very fine, probably silk or something of that nature.
And Conway said to them, "Do not be afraid. For I know you are looking for The Guv'na, who was run over by Phil in Bon's truck. He is not here. He is alive. Go into town where you will see him, giving press interviews."
But the Playaz did not believe. Then they went into town where they saw the Guv'na himself, announcing his miraculous return to E! Entertainment News.
And the Guv'na said to E! "Go and tell the world the good news. And tell those that believe on the Playaz to go out, and drive out demons in our name, and handle snakes; and when they drink the poison, it will not hurt them at all."
And after Guv'na had wrapped his press conference, he and the Playaz were carried up into the VIP Lounge where they drank Cristal with Kenny Rogers, with Larry Holmes sitting at his right side, and signed Christmas cards.
Posted by Phil at 10:39 AM
November 22, 2006
From the Playaz' family to yours
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Posted by Phil at 9:57 AM
July 5, 2006
Playaz dazzle Atlanta with "roman candle" display for Fourth of July
The Playaz put on an Independence Day spectacular this fourth of July with a Roman Candle display that enthralled Atlanta's citizens.
In a show that lasted well over 2 minutes, the Playaz lit and fired the illuminated powder, more commonly referred to as a Roman Candle, into the air until all 10 of the "stars" were dispensed.
A crowd of over 100,000 onlookers gathered near Atlanta's Lenox Square Mall, awaiting the Playaz incredible fireworks show. The Playaz played a Kenny Roger's CD into a microphone to accompany the pyrotechnic extravaganza.
The Playaz concluded the show with a grand finale that featured the lighting of the "snake", which starts as a small black pellet but becomes a growing black ash that produces a "snake-like" effect.
Posted by Phil at 8:54 AM
June 30, 2006
United States of America: Greatest Country On Earth
Only 230 years old and in that time we've: Beat the crap out of England, beat the crap out of Indians, beat the crap out the Spanish & Mexicans, beat the crap out of ourselves, beat the crap out of Germany (twice), beat the crap out of Italy, beat the crap out of Japan, beat the crap out of Korea, almost beat the crap out of Vietnam, made some sweet moolah off of Iraq & Iran, beat the crap out of Iraq, then beat the crap out of Iraq again, and are keeping out the Mexicans with a gigantic fence.
I'm pretty sure we also invented "Tivo", the greatest invention ever.
U.S. is the best, and don't let anyone tell you different.
Have a happy and safe fourth of July, everyone.
Posted by Phil at 7:42 AM
April 14, 2006
Bon captures egg-hiding rabbit in backyard
Bon captured an incredibly large rabbit today that he found sniffing around his backyard.
Bon said aside from the unusual size of the rabbit, he mentioned a most peculiar basket found nearby filled with colorful eggs. Bon believed it belonged to the rabbit somehow, but couldn't understand what a rabbit would be doing with it in the first place.
Bon plans to boil the rabbit along with the newfound eggs and serve it for Easter dinner.
Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM
February 13, 2006
How will you spend your Valentine's Day?
After prolonged hours upon hours of watching the Food Network, this Valentine's Day I will be unwinding in a hot tub with Marcia Cross. How will you be spending yours?
The Guv'na with Jessica Cutler
Tac & Jessica Alba
Bon with one-half of the Olsen Twins (Ashley)
Wayne 'n Halle Berry
Posted by Phil at 9:55 PM
December 24, 2005
On the first day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to meeeee....
Kenny Rogers in a pear tree
Tomorrow..a special message from the former heavyweight champion of the world.
Also, and to no one's suprise, the Playaz have been named the Sexiest Male Bloggers of the Week by Jessica Cutler. Why it took this long is the biggest suprise to anyone.
Update (12/27): Taking a cue from Travis' Christmas Tale from the Throwing Hammers blog, I have created a separate category for the Twelve Days of Playaz Christmas so that you may view them more easily.
Also, since I was generous enough to give you 14 posts in 13 days, I'm taking a bit of a break this week, so while I encourage you to return and post comments and bask in the glory that is the Playaz, there will probably be no new posts until the New Year.
Posted by Phil at 8:32 AM
December 23, 2005
On the second day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
2 turtlenecks
Since it wouldn't be Christmas without a commercial plug, I just wanted to let you guys know I have a new, black t-shirt with a hi-res "Playaz Ball" logo on it in the Playaz Mall - looks pretty good, I think. Check it out.
Posted by Phil at 8:41 AM
December 22, 2005
On the third day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
3 new pipes
For a little extra humor, please check out the ads that The Google has deemed appropriate for our site in the sidebar
Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM
December 21, 2005
On the fourth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
4 Kilos of coke
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM
December 20, 2005
On the fifth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
5 golden scorpion medallions
Be sure to catch the Playaz Christmas Party recap below.
Posted by Phil at 8:56 AM
December 19, 2005
On the sixth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me..
6 gallons of antifreeze
Posted by Phil at 2:31 PM
December 18, 2005
A Very Playaz Christmas
Enjoy the recap of the Playaz Christmas Party.
(Updated 12/19 @ 11:23 a.m. - some new photos added, others replaced with better shots of the same photo)
The 12 Days of Playaz Christmas continued below..
A lovely spread provided by The Guv'na
Our beaver was there, enjoying some m&m's and a cocktail
In attendance:
The Guv'na
Tac
Bon
Wayne (enjoying a cookie)
..and yours truly
The Beaver watches the premier of the Playaz Ball DVD
I have a sweet jumpsuit
The jumpsuit, in all it's Christmas glory
Old friends...laughing...
Wayne & Bon
"Who wants heroin?"
If you can see these spiders, it means you're probably high on heroin right now
Yuletide Playaz
These I'm not sure I can even explain
Two smokes and a cookie
Enjoying a spoonful of 'red-devils'
The photos below represent an early Christmas gift to The Playaz from our "West Coast" fan, Julia, of Save the Ta-Tas. Julia designed these t-shirts that have been worn by the likes of Jessica Simpson and Kate Beckinscale, a portion of the proceeds of these shirts goes towards breast cancer research. Thank you, Juia! I think we look quite classy and stylish in our new t-shirts! Be sure and check out her site.
Posted by Phil at 1:29 AM
On the seventh day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
7 Christmas Kangols
Posted by Phil at 12:31 AM
December 17, 2005
On the eighth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
8 jars of tartar sauce
Party Checklist for tonight:
Guvna's mink
Kangols
Pipes
scorpion medallion
Christmas Pictures for cards
Turtlenecks
jumpsuits
Suits
Beaver
Alcohol
Ta-Tas Tshirts
Silver platter w/ Cocaine
Meat
Cigarettes
alternate DVD player
DVDs
Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM
December 16, 2005
On the ninth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me..
9 Conway Twitty albums
Posted by Phil at 8:04 AM
December 15, 2005
On the tenth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
10 Larry Holmes phone calls
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM
December 14, 2005
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
11 dead geese a-laying lifeless
(click to view the twelfth day of christmas)
Posted by Phil at 8:00 AM
December 13, 2005
The Twelve Days of Playaz Christmas*
On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Playaz gave to me...
12 frivolous lawsuits
* Today begins a series counting down the Twelve Days of Playaz Christmas.
Posted by Phil at 7:55 AM
December 11, 2005
The most coveted invitation this Holiday season
Do not disturb the sexy..
Posted by Phil at 10:29 AM
December 8, 2005
Visit with Santa
Yesterday I took my girls to the local mall for their first ever visit with Santa Claus.
I thought it was going to be a fun, enjoyable experience, but it was anything but.
First, many of the other parents began squawking and complaining to me for reasons unknown to me. Something about being "dressed inappropriately" or something else to that effect. I guess because it was unseasonably warm that day and I decided to take my shirt off. I guess it is considered against the law now. It's still America, isn't it?
That wasn't the real problem. The real problem was when I realized that the Guv'na had passed out (again) underneath Santa's bench and ruined our photo. You can see me in the picture trying to alert the staff that Guv'na was plainly visible under the bench and would someone please get him out from under there.
After The Guv'na was awakened, I asked him what he was doing there in the first place. He said he had wanted to get down there early and be first in line for his kids when the mall opened, and he guessed he had gotten drowsy and had fallen asleep. Needless to say, Guv'na was escorted off the premises by security and his kids never got to see ole' St. Nick. Also, I was asked not to come back next year.
Posted by Phil at 9:41 AM
November 22, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving
The Playaz will be celebrating their Thanksgiving this year just the same as they do each year.
First, Bon will make his traditional trip up to Washington to hide in the White House rose garden, where he will kill the turkey traditionally pardoned by the President of the United States (plus, with the bird-flu going around, Bon does not believe we need to be 'pardoning' any birds from anything).
Once Bon has struck down the bird (this year, Bon is using a boomerang, as he feels it is more "sporting"), the turkey is decapitated, stripped of it's feathers, disembowled, and broiled for hours before Tac serves and carves this delicious bird for his fellow Playaz.
We wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving, and we'll see you all after the holiday!
Posted by Phil at 5:37 PM
November 20, 2005
Christmas cards
We wanted to let you know that Christmas is right around the corner, and to please email us your address if you desire receive the official 2005 Playaz Christmas Card, complete with an authentic signature of each of the Playaz. These cards will not be signed by our secretarial staff as they have been in years' past, but will be personally autographed by us.
Due to the heavy demand, we needed make you aware of this rare offer and to recommend you submit your request early.
*Phil's note: The card will not necessarily be this card. So don't think "oh, I've already seen the Playaz christmas card, why do I want one?" Everyone may get a different card, or the same card, but different from this one. Who knows? It will be crazy!
Posted by Phil at 2:17 PM
July 1, 2005
Hello, old friend
Mmmm....Gentleman Jack Daniels......brownest of the brown liquors.....
What's that? You want me to drink you now?
But it's only 1:00 p.m. on Friday......well, okay.
Looks like my Fourth of July weekend is underway. I hope you readers
have a good weekend. I expect I won't be posting until next week. The
rest of the Playaz will likely be taking it easy until Monday. Manny
plans to do a little much needed yard work with his steam-powered
lawnmower this holiday weekend.
Then, we will be packing our bags and heading to Myrtle Beach for our
perfomance with Sonny James on the Fourth. It is likely a sold-out show by now, but if you ladies stop by Sonny's tour bus, I'm sure Sonny will be more than willing to give you a backstage pass, if you know what I mean.
Well, I have to go and polish off the rest of this Gentleman Jack and
practice up on my washboard.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!
Posted by Phil at 12:55 PM