June 17, 2008
Bush pleads with Playaz to increase oil production from their personal oil rig
President Bush met with the Playaz recently at their beachfront Headquarters in Isle of Palms, South Carolina, attempting to persuade the Playaz to increase oil production from their personal oil rig situated just off the beach in front of their home.
In an effort to offset rising fuel costs, Bush specifically asked the Playaz to release approximately one million barrels a day to the general public, despite the Playaz' insistence that the oil is for personal use only.
The Playaz' oil rig, just off the shore at island resort Wild Dunes in the Isle of Palms, SC
The Playaz rig was constructed in 1976, prior to Jimmy Carter's election as President, and primarily is used to gas up their SUV's and private jets (the crude oil is refined in the Playaz' basement).
The Guv'na informed President Bush that the Playaz had very little oil they could spare. The Guv'na excused himself from the meeting, informing Bush that the Playaz were flying to nearby Charleston (roughly a 20 minute drive) for dinner. It is noted that the Playaz "carbon footprint" is roughly the size of five planets (the planets being Jupiter).
It was the second such visit by Bush, who was politely rebuffed in his first meeting as well, when Larry Holmes informed the President that he "best get out of their face".
Posted by Phil at 10:41 AM | Comments (10)
May 9, 2007
Queen Elizabeth tours Playaz' compound before returning to U.K.
Queen Elizabeth II took a private tour of the Playaz compound in South Carolina before returning to Buckingham Palace. The Queen has been visiting the States and was adamant about visiting with the Playaz at their secluded Headquarters as part of her visit.
Dian Parkinson escorts the Queen onto the Playaz compound
The Queen received and personal escort from the Playaz, who showed her their underground bunker which houses their armory of weapons, and even took the Queen for a stroll through their fortress that fronts the beach. It is believed that very few citizens outside the Playaz' circle have ever had such an upclose look at the Playaz secret lair - The Pope being the most notable to attend last year's Playaz Ball.
Guv'na shows the Queen the Playaz selection of weapons
Phil and the Queen exit the rear fortress that surrounds the Playaz Headquarters
The Playaz also gave the Queen a tour of Bon's Cat Testicle Factory, and later joined the Queen at the Kentucky Derby, where they betted on which of the ponies would be the next to wind up in their glue/dog food factory.
Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (13)
April 27, 2007
Playaz offer Fidel Castro $100,000 for track suit
The Playaz sat down with recently recovering Cuban President Fidel Castro and offered the dictator $100,000.00 in U.S. dollars for his red, white, and blue track suit.
Castro has been seen the last several months sporting the track suit. The suit is believed to be an adidas suit from the 1982 era, though whether or not it is a knock-off brand has not been confirmed.
The Playaz prepared a detailed proposal and presented it along with their offer to convice the Cuban leader to part with the suit. While stressing that they were willing to pay top dollar, it was noted that the waistband was distressed from over-stretching, and that the suit would need to be cleaned to remove it's odor of sweat, moth balls, cigar smoke, and a scent that can only be described as being closest to that of 'hot dog'.
Castro listens closely as Bon goes over the Playaz' offer for the track suit in detail
Castro reportedly has 3 business days to consider the offer, and which point he will reply or counter-offer the Playaz. Castro may try to sell the Playaz a Le Coq Sportiff for $25,000.00.
Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM | Comments (11)
October 19, 2006
"Sir..."
"WHAT?!"
"Sir....we've tried the third test. Um, it didn't work. Again."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'IT DIDN'T WORK'?!"
"The 'plutonium' you've been buying..."
"YES, I'VE BEEN BUYING PLUTONIUM FROM MY NEW FRIEND AND TRUSTED COMRADE...SO?"
"It's not plutonium, sir..."
"WHAT? IF IT ISN'T PLUTONIUM THEN WHAT IS IT?"
"Cheddar cheese, sir..."
"WHERE IS THIS TRAITOR?!"
"There he goes, sir...he's flying away in that bi-plane...with your girlfriend."
".......PLAAAAAAYYYYAAAAAAZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Update: MSNBC story
Posted by Phil at 7:46 PM | Comments (15)
October 17, 2006
"Hi there!
What? No, I'm fine.
No, nothing to worry about. We got nukes now.
No, I don't need any help. Have my new trusty friend here.
Very easy on the eyes. Yes. What? Yes, he new here. Just show up about 2, 3 days ago.
I don't know..I guess he just join because I force everyone to. Ha! Ha!!
Huh? No! I trust him! He the one who told me where to buy plutonium!
Don't worry...I have it under control. Okay, goodbye!"
Posted by Phil at 8:29 PM | Comments (10)
October 16, 2006
Operation Shanghai Surprise (in pyongyang)
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (20)
October 3, 2006
China applauds Bon's "Animal Olympics" before feasting on animals
Chinese dignitaries and audience members were treated to a special show of animal athleticism by Bon and the Playaz, featuring weight-lifting chimpanzees, bear gymnastics, and zebra fighting.
Chinese officials in attendance applauded Bon's extravaganza before joining the Playaz at a special invitation dinner where they feasted on the very animals who performed the amazing feats earlier in the day.
The event was nearly marred when Bon got into an altercation with a kangaroo - which was thought to be a boxing exhibition by the patrons in attendance - but was actually a disagreement over the kangaroo's refusal to participate in the long jump competition, which ultimately led to blows between Bon and the kangaroo.
Bon stated that he also wanted to show to the world that he only serves the fittest animals at his restaurants, and not necessarily the fattest or slowest as may have been insinuated by the Elizabeth Taylor article below.
There were several protesters outside the event, outraged by what they called "cruelty to animals". Chinese citizens who were in attendance called the protests "ironic".
Posted by Phil at 9:02 AM | Comments (74)
August 15, 2006
Hugo Chavez presents portrait of Wayne to ailing Cuban dictator
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez presented a canvas portrait of Wayne to the ailing Fidel Castro, regaling him with tales of Playaz Ball to lift the communist dictator's spirits.
"Tell me, Senor Chavez -- how went Playaz Ball '06?" the feeble Castro asked.
"You wouldn't believe it!" exclaimed Chavez. "They has pistoles, and a beaver, and drugs!...it was freakin' hilarious, man!"
"Ohhh..." said a wistful Castro. "I only wish my health had been better and that I could find the strength to access playazball.com to see their antics," he pined. "This portrait you have given me will give me the inspiration to recover, so that I may read more of the Playaz as I lead the Cuban people into the future."
Posted by Phil at 9:35 AM | Comments (26)
July 15, 2006
Phil & Bon arrive at G-8 Summit; seduce world leader's wives
Phil and Bon arrived in St. Petersburg yesterday to the world leader's annual G-8 Summit, for the sole purpose of seducing the leader's wives out of jewels and cash in order to help the Playaz fund the upcoming Playaz Ball.
Bon demonstrates to photographers the Playaz' method for seducing a woman
Phil & Bon approach Lyudmila Putina and Laura Bush...the game is afoot!
Following some small talk and several suggestive tales of romance and adventure, Bon and Phil entice the ladies into their car, explaining that they are unfamiliar with the area and would greatly appreciate their companionship over a candle-lit dinner
Later that evening at their chateau, Bon arouses the ladies with erotic literature
In the morning, First Ladies Putina and Bush discover Bon and Phil have left during the night, absconding with diamond brooches, assorted jewels, and all of their cash. A note smelling of Brut 33 and single roses were reportedly left on each ladies' pillow, apologizing and promising to always remember their night together.
Posted by Phil at 2:41 PM | Comments (34)
July 10, 2006
Pamplona, Spain kicks off 9-day festival with "Running of the Playaz"
The northern Spanish city of Pamplona kicked off their annual festival and countdown to Playaz Ball with it's annual "Running of the Playaz".
This morning, at 8 a.m., the Playaz were let loose from a holding pen onto Santo Domingo Street, at which point they were free to run the .8 kilometer route into the city's bullring where throngs of excited and terrified fans await them.
Typically, thousands of fans of the Playaz run along side trying both to get near the Playaz, yet maintain a safe distance. The size of the crowd, and the unpredictability of the Playaz, adds to the risk involved in the experience.
"Most fans view the Playaz as friendly persons who are rather harmless," one experienced runner was quoted as saying. "But underestimating them can be a fatal mistake," he added.
Fortunately, the 3 minute run resulted in only one serious injury. Playaz fan Steve Skalish was inadvertently gored when he allowed himself to get too close to Bon. Undeterred, Skalish was quoted as saying "it was a great experience, and I'd do it again."
The Playaz are expected to head to Italy sometime next week on the last leg of their European trek before Playaz Ball 2006.
Posted by Phil at 9:04 AM | Comments (16)
June 28, 2006
Playaz to deploy Larry Holmes as 'Human Cannonball' against North Korean missiles
Sounds like Kim Jong-Il is not living up to his end of the bargain any longer.
The U.S. has summoned the Playaz for assistance once again. And once again, we have a solution:
Posted by Phil at 8:55 AM | Comments (25)
June 12, 2006
Playaz continue their war on terror; set their sights on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Despite our successful mission that resulted in the death of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Al-Zarqawi, the Playaz are not resting.
Just because one prominent extremist is dead, that does not mean there won't be others to follow in his footsteps.
That's why the Playaz have vowed to take down the person we suspect is next in line for the throne of terror - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Yes, it may suprise you to hear that, as Jabbar is a beloved NBA legend who once held the career scoring record and won multiple world championships with the Los Angeles Lakers.
But did you know that "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar" is a muslim name? That it was once "Lew Alcindor" before he changed it? Therefore, we must assume "Kareem" is a terrorist...a "sleeper" who toiled silently in the NBA for 20 years with the Lakers and Milwaukee Bucks, biding his time until it was his turn to lead.
But fear not - we have battled Kareem before, and we will do it again. Only this time, he won't live to tell the tale.
We also have our eye on Muhammad Ali.
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (26)
June 9, 2006
Playaz infiltrate lair of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi; ordered U.S. strike
Over the past two weeks, the Playaz managed to successfully infiltrate the tight knit circle of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Once they gained Al-Zarqawi's trust, the Playaz ordered the U.S. Command base to strike, which resulted in the death of Al-Zarqawi and his minions.
The streets erupted in celebration hailing the Playaz, with the Playaz themselves joining in on the celebratory gunfire. The resulting celebrations only killed 3 by-standers with the stray bullets that fell from the sky.
Yesterday, Bon was in Washington to present photos of the deceased Al-Zarqawi.
Bon had taken the photo to The Great Frame Up®, where he selected a tasteful gold frame for the display.
Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM | Comments (28)
April 29, 2006
Hu wanted Bush to label Playaz an 'evil cult'
Chinese President Hu Jintao sought to convince President Bush during their meeting to publicly declare the Playaz an “evil cult” that should be banned, U.S. officials said.
The Playaz, founded by Philemon P. Braun, has changed its posture in recent years from that of a strictly benign, mustachioed swingers group to a political movement that targets the Chinese Communist Party and others who disagree with the Playaz' viewpoints, according to Hu.
We'll get you, Hu. We'll get you if it's the last thing we do...
Posted by Phil at 1:59 PM | Comments (25)
March 6, 2006
Playaz host U.S. President and Indian Prime Minister in New Dehli
The Playaz hosted dinner for President George Bush and India's Prime Minister Manmohan Singh this weekend in New Dehli for a historic meeting between the President and Prime Minister.
Chef Bon and the Playaz served a multi-coursed meal that covered virtually every wild species imaginable.
A look of consternation came over the President and Prime Minister's faces at the platter that lay before them.
"Why do these animals look like they have not even been cooked?" Prime Minister Singh asked reticently. "In fact, they have not even been stripped of their feathers and fur," he added.
"They are a delicacy, Mr. Prime Minister," Bon explained. "They are best served 'fresh', and are to be eaten much like you would a lobster. The skin is to be stripped off prior to consumption...it helps preserve the flavor of the meat that way," he added.
President Bush and Prime Minister Singh remained reluctant to dive into this delicious bounty that lay before them.
Tac explained quietly to President Bush that it would be considered rude not to eat the serving, and an insult to the chef. Tac then added it would be customary to chop off the hands of the offending guests should they refuse to partake.
Bush and Singh then slowly began to strip the feathers and claws off their entrees and bite into the sinewy and very gamey meat. It appeared that P.M. Singh withstood several bouts of dry heaves, and was able to finish his dinner. Bush appeared more enthusiastic about his fare the more he ate.
"Thank you for your kindness, Playaz," Singh said. "After a dinner like this, I wish never to do anything contrary to the wishes of the United States, or the Playaz, to cause you to come to our country ever again. And I mean that as a compliment," Singh added.
"I feel like we treated our special guests very well, and were happy to play some small part in the nuclear talks with India," Wayne said.
Posted by Phil at 9:00 AM | Comments (9)
September 27, 2005
Kenny, Larry reach agreement with Kim Jong Il
Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes recently reached an accord with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il over their stated intent to develop a nuclear program that could involve weapons. In exchange for North Korea's concession to cease further nuclear studies and development of any nuclear weapons program, Kenny, Larry and Kim Jong Il agreed to the following:
- Kenny agrees to perform 3 times per year at the Kim Jong Il Whom We All Love Casino & Resort in beautiful downtown P'yong yang, North Korea.
- Kim Jong Il will be allowed to do his standup act at Dollywood 3 times per year (subject to Kenny obtaining approval from Dolly Parton).
- Larry Holmes agrees to fight a Chinese Panda to the delight of His Highness Kim Jong Il for the Korean Heavyweight Championship no later than December 31, 2005.
All that is needed now is the Playaz' ratification of this agreement for it to be legally binding. Oh, and you're welcome.
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (33)
September 23, 2005
North Korea nuke talks stall; Playaz suggest U.S. send in Playaz' own special envoy
Rest assured, world, the Playaz have sent in the Big Guns to settle this North Korea nuclear nonsense.
To the other 5 countries previously involved:
Put that coffee down. That coffee is for closers.
Posted by Phil at 9:25 AM | Comments (4)
August 4, 2005
Playaz outraged by rising oil prices; challenge the Iron Sheik to steel cage match
The continued rise of crude oil prices have angered the Playaz to the point that they have decided to take action once and for all, and have
challenged the Iron Sheik to a steel cage death match in the upcoming
week.
Bon & Tac will be fighting as "The Rock 'N Roll Express" versus the
Sheik, who is expected to tap Abdullah the Butcher as his tag-team
partner.
The no-holds-barred match will lock the Sheik in a steel cage
surrounding the ring with the Playaz. There will be no "three-count" by the referee. Only a surrender by either the Sheik or the Playaz will determine the victor, and a Playaz victory will mean the Sheik will not only be forced to lower the prices of the Middle East's crude oil supply, but he will also have endure personal humiliation by bowing down to the American flag and kiss the bottom of Bon & Tac's boots before thousands of fans.
"We are sick and tired of those towel-heads raising the price of our
gasoline, and I am personally going to put a stop to it by putting the
Sheik in a figure four while Tac finishes him off with the mandible
claw of death!" shouted a red faced Bon. Bon then began shouting
"U-S-A" to the delight of the fans.
The Sheik, in turn, vowed to make the Playaz crawl like the American
scum that they are before boiling their innards for his own consumption. The Sheik then proceeded to spit on what appeared to be a
copy of the Declaration of Independence.
It is expected that Phil, Wayne, & the Guv'na will be waiting
backstage in case any "funny business" takes place during the match.
Posted by Phil at 10:38 PM | TrackBack
July 6, 2005
London awarded 2012 Playaz Ball
Wayne announced today before millions of people across the globe that London will be awarded the 2012 Playaz Ball.
This is the first time Playaz Ball will take place in a location other
than Charleston, South Carolina, the traditional locale of Playaz Ball
since 2003.
Several countries vied to be named host to the much sought-after event, including the United States (New York City), Spain (Madrid), France (Paris), and Russia (Moscow).
Hundreds of thousands of Brits erupted in celebration at the news,
where they were gathered in the parks, and around televisions and
radios all across London.
It is expected that Playaz Ball will pump millions of dollars into the
British economy. Great Britain's proposal included the construction of
several new venues to accomodate Playaz Ball.
Even England soccer captain David Beckham got into the act. "In 2012, I can take my children to a Playaz Ball which we might never had had the chance to do," he said. "This is such a huge lift for our country." Prime Minister Tony Blair stated that he "couldn't bear to watch" the vote. "This is a momentus day for London," he said.