February 8, 2007

Playaz may be partially to blame for astronaut Nowak's break-down

OK.

We almost never admit wrong doing, but we may have some culpability regarding Ms. Nowak's Love-Triangle-Meltdown.

Granted, we are still trying to sort through the details. We are hearing different names being tossed around in the media, but I think we, the Playaz, know that our involvement very well may have something to do with Ms. Nowak loading her car with latex gloves, rubber tubing, a mallet, garbage bags, and then strapping on a diaper for the 900 mile drive before her.

It all started innocently enough. First there were the flirtatious glances, as the Playaz and Nowak floated past each other in zero-gravity.

Suddenly, Chewbacca has floated in for a little heavy petting.

And before we know it, we are engaged in an all-out space orgy.

It was not right, I'll admit. NASA's psychological testing showed Ms. Nowak could not handle a full-scale Playaz' love making session in outer space.

I have for you a diagram of the Playaz Sex Pyramid, which shows you the different levels of arousal a woman might experience when involved with the Playaz. Level I is the "experimental" level, typically involving Dian Parkinson and Chewbacca. Level IV, the "Kenny" level, is the point of no return.

Nowak, in her attempts to rise through the pyramid to Level IV, ultimately snapped, and soiled herself as she drove through the night at the thought of Kenny and the Playaz with any other women.

For that, we are sorry.

But for our seductive ways, I make no apologies.

Posted by Phil at 1:20 PM

February 6, 2007

Comet Dust sends astronaut into bizarre love triangle arrest*

You may remember the previous effects that comet dust has had on the lady astronauts.

Well, it appears the comet dust was just too much for yet another female astronaut, Lisa Nowak, who is now under arrest for attempted kidnapping and attempted murder (we aren't sure, but perhaps Ms. Nowak wanted to kill either Captains Kenny Rogers or Larry Holmes, or both, both of whom head the Playaz' space missions?).

The evidence Ms. Nowak was under the influence of comet dust include the following highlights from her arrest. You be the judge:

When an officer found Nowak at a bus stop, she was wearing a different coat, and the officer observed her putting items in a trash can, the police report said. The officer retrieved a wig and a BB gun from the trash can, the report said.

Police found in Nowak's bag a tan trench coat, a new steel mallet, a folding knife with a 4-inch blade, 3 to 4 feet of rubber tubing, large plastic garbage bags and about $600 in cash, the report said.

Nowak acknowledged details of the allegations, according to police, and allowed officers to search her car. There, police found diapers, six latex gloves, directions from Houston to Orlando International Airport, e-mails from the Playaz, a letter indicating how much she loved Kenny and directions to Larry Holmes's home address.

Nowak wore a diaper during the 14-hour drive so that she wouldn't have to stop for bathroom breaks, the report said. Astronauts wear what NASA calls maximum-absorbency garments to collect their waste during space travel.

Sounds exactly like what anyone would do following a 3 day comet dust binge.

Oh....and wearing a diaper so you don't have to stop to go to the bathroom? Now that's dedication, ladies.

*love triangle may or may not include Michael Jordan

Posted by Phil at 2:13 PM

September 26, 2006

NASA astronaut can't hang with Playaz; ingests too much comet dust

Astronuat Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper had to helped to her feet after collapsing at a news conference upon the space shuttle Atlantis's return to Earth following a mission to recover more comet dust.

"Too much comet dust," quipped Tac as he tried to steady the extremely high Piper. "Never get high on your own supply," he added.

Tac steadies Atlantis crew memeber Heidemarie Piper after taking too much comet dust at a recent news conference

The astronauts had returned from yet another mission to recover comet dust from outer space. It was the first mission where NASA sent a combination of it's own team along with Chewbacca and the Playaz.

"We felt like we needed to send part of our own Shuttle crew up with the Playaz, to learn more about how to harvest the comet dust, how to package it, cut it up for redistribution, and learn it's street value. The Playaz won't be around forever. I guess she OD'ed or something on the re-entry. She just couldn't hang with Chewy and the Playaz," a NASA spokesman was quoted as saying.

- Also in the news, Life imitates the Playaz...

Posted by Phil at 10:01 AM

August 20, 2006

Playaz borrow Space Shuttle Atlantis for more comet dust from outer space

The Playaz recently borrowed NASA's Space Shuttle Atlantis to re-stock their declining supply of comet dust.

"We've been using it rather liberally," Bon was quoted as saying. "Plus, we have just reached an exclusive agreement with Wilford Brimley and Liberty Mutual Insurance to supply them with diabetes-curing comet dust, which Liberty will deliver to your door."

Phil challenges Chewbacca to a game of holographic chess while on their mission to space

"It was good to get back into space, helping mankind search for new ways to get high," Tac said before the launch.

Larry Holmes stated that he, too, was looking forward to the follow-up mission and get back behind the wheel of the space craft. "It's been a while, and I needed to shake some of the rust off."

The Playaz, Kenny Rogers, and Larry Holmes, are the only known astronauts in NASA's stock that have little to no knowledge about space, the physics of flying into space, or flying a space craft.

"We trust the Playaz will return the Atlantis safe and sound before our next scheduled mission," a NASA spokesperson was quoted as saying.

Bon guards the replenished supply of comet dust following their return

Posted by Phil at 9:38 PM

January 18, 2006

Ask Dr. Tac: Comet Dust

1. Tac, can you explain to us the benefits of comet dust versus some of the other "street drugs" out there today?

"Comet dust goes undetected by drug sniffing dogs, work place drug screens, etc."

2. Have you discovered the best way to use/ingest comet dust?

"Currently, the best way to ingest comet dust is to allow the dust to be absorbed in the body by placing the dust under the tongue."

3. Is comet dust addictive?

"Absolutely, both mentally and physically."

4. Can one overdose on comet dust?

"No, not really!"

5. What kind of 'high' does one get from comet dust?

"I would compare the high to an opiate based drug high. Very relaxing with no hang over."

Posted by Phil at 8:58 AM

January 16, 2006

NASA space capsule returns to Earth, accomplishes Playaz plan to get high on comet dust

As the first phase of their secret space mission is complete, the Playaz celebrated the return of their un-manned spacecraft "Stardust", after the Playaz' discovery that one can get high on comet dust.

Considered very rare, the NASA capsule collected the comet dust over a course of seven years and billions of miles. The capsule touched down in the desert salt flats yesterday to cheers and jubilation at the Playaz' jet propulsion laboratory, speculating that they had obtained several hundred kilos of comet dust. The Playaz announced a massive party would ensue at their place later that evening.

Tac celebrates with Kenny Rogers upon hearing the news that they had obtained roughly 250 kilos of comet dust, expected to have a 'street value' of roughly $100 - $150 million dollars

The Guv'na explains to the press the scientific importance of this mission. According to Guv'na, comet dust would "blow their minds", and that they plan future manned-missions to space to obtain even more comet dust when this supply runs out. Guv'na added the sales of the current cargo would likely fund the Playaz lifestyle for several more years

Larry Holmes & NASA scientists carefully gather the comet dust collected by the spacecraft, and package it for re-sale.

Posted by Phil at 9:41 PM

October 18, 2005

Playaz consult with Chewbacca on upcoming space mission

The Playaz consulted recently with outer-space wookie Chewbacca to discuss their upcoming space mission, scheduled to occur sometime in 2006.

The Playaz were recently commissioned by NASA to join commander Kenny Rogers and pilot Larry Holmes to embark on a top secret space mission.

It was not clear, however, whether the Playaz were trying to recruit Chewbacca to become a member of their all-star crew. Chewbacca, a technically-savvy 7 and one-half foot space ape, could provide much needed assistance with the advanced space craft, set to be flown by Larry Holmes, as well as provide his skills with laser weaponry should Kenny, Larry, and the Playaz face any dangerous foreign life forms.

"We cannot disclose at this time what exactly is being discussed with the mighty Chewbacca," Wayne was quoted as saying. "However, we can tell you we are heading into uncharted territory, and we just aren't sure of what possible dangers we might face. Larry is a world-class fighter, but he can only do so much with his fists against an alien beast with an incinerator and three arms, and Kenny, great leader as he is, is merely a country musician and actor. Chewbacca has extensive experience not only with repairing hyper-drives, but also with facing a potential hostile enemy," Wayne added.

It is expected that Tac, a certified electrician, would head the engineering aboard the spacecraft, and it is speculated that the Playaz may be interviewing the wookie to determine his potential viability in assisting Tac, and his overall space exploration experience to the secret mission.

"Tac has been late for several meetings," said one Playa who spoke confidentially. "We just want to be sure all of our bases are covered."

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM

August 2, 2005

Discover repair update!: President Bush phones Tac in outer space to find out repair bill for the Discovery

President Bush recently phoned the astronauts aboard the space shuttle Discovery to assure them that everything was being taken care of and that he wished them a safe voyage home.

Then, the President asked one of the crew members if they could put Tac on the phone to discuss the repair invoice the President received for Tac's outerspace work on the Discovery.

Bush was a bit taken aback by the $572 bill. Tac informed the President that there was an $80 "Service Call", and that he replaced a defective circuit breaker, installed a new surge suppressor, and stapled down any loose heat shields ($334 in parts and labor). Bush then asked what was a $158 charge that was written next to something illegible. "Permits," Tac responded.

President Bush then asked if Tac would take a personal check.

Posted by Phil at 2:21 PM

July 31, 2005

Tac sent into outerspace to repair Discovery

NASA recently sent Tac into the Earth's orbit yesterday to repair any damage done to the space shuttle Discovery after concerns that heat shields broken off during the launch may have hit the Discovery's hull.

An IBEW certified journeyman electrician, Tac was NASA's best hope to fix whatever problems the Discovery may be having as a result of the potential damage.

"We needed the best, and with Tac's experience in repairing complicated systems such as circuit breakers, running conduits, pull wire, soldering coax, we feel he is the man we can most trust," says one NASA spokesman.

Tac says he plans to read the space shuttle's Owner's Manual once he arrives to determine how best to repair the shuttle. "It'll be no problem," Tac says.

Posted by Phil at 5:41 PM

July 11, 2005

NASA commissions Playaz, Kenny Rogers & Larry Holmes to lead new space mission

Associated Press (AP) - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has asked Kenny Rogers and Larry Holmes to lead a top secret mission into outer space. Kenny and Larry have reportedly agreed to the mission and have hand-picked the Playaz to be members of their crew.

The Playaz, Kenny and Larry are scheduled to launch sometime in the fall of 2006 to parts of the galaxy unknown.

It is widely speculated as to what this top secret mission will entail. Some reports claim that the Playaz will be seeking out alien life forms. Other reports contend that NASA is sending the crew consisting of the former heavyweight champion of the world and country music legend to lead a new colony on some faraway planet.
The Playaz have refused to divulge how long the mission intends to last, further shrouding the mission in secrecy.

Observers from the notorious Area 51 have spotted the Playaz testing a new "plasma" rocket that travels at greater speeds than today's spacecraft, so fast that it would allow astronauts to travel to Mars in one-third the normal time.

"I'm a gambler by nature," Rogers was quoted as saying. "So I agreed to the mission right away. It took a little coersion to get Larry on board, but once I told him that the Playaz were in, he didn't hesitate," added Rogers.

It is expected that Larry Holmes himself would comandeer the ship, while Kenny and the Playaz would be responsible for manning the navigation systems, various complex computers, engineering, and experimentation.

Posted by Phil at 8:12 PM