September 8, 2009
Playaz air episode of "Hee-Haw" for Georgia school children instead of Obama speech
The Playaz, who own a majority of the broadcasting stations in Georgia, opted to air an episode of the classic comedy variety show "Hee-Haw" instead of President Obama's planned speech to the nation's school children.
Georgia area students sat quietly as they prepared for a raucous, uproariously good time from the Kornfield County gang while many other school children were forced to watch a boring speech by a man in a suit saying words that nobody cares about or understands.
The kids were enthralled by such skits as "The Cornfield Jokes", "Pickin' and-a' Grinnin'", "The Naggers" (Gordi Tapp and Roni Stoneman), and were especially excited when they shouted "What's for supper?!" at Grandpa Jones.
Musical numbers by the late Hager Twins and the Hee-Haw Gospel Quartet were included.
"We felt the children learned a great deal today. For example, the sketch involving Junior Samples and Roy Clark as grade-school students, with Minnie Pearl as their befuddled teacher, gave the students an idea of what classroom learning is all about," the Playaz said.
Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM
August 11, 2009
Congress asks Playaz to step in on health care debate
Members of U.S. Congress have summoned the Playaz to help solve the national health care debate that has been ongoing and in recent weeks became quite contentious.
Congress would like to ask the Playaz' opinions about reform. The Playaz' stance on healthcare has been seen as quite a radical shift from normal standards to which most Americans are accustomed.
For example, several years ago, the Playaz completely revamped the Food Pyramid, separating from the customary fruits and vegetables, and replacing them with items like "cheetos" and "doughnuts". In the Playaz' healthcare system, the Playaz would propose government subsidized doughnuts, at the low, low cost of $1 per dozen to all Americans.
The Playaz have also been renowned for their work in heavy narcotics. They have cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with their discovery of "comet dust" (and, sadly, murdered Don Knotts with the same). The Playaz would instantly legalize all drugs under a playa-controlled system.
Also, the Playaz own Dr. Tac would administer free breast exams.
The Playaz are expected to appear before Congress to settle the debate by either rational discussion, or with guns.
Posted by Phil at 10:58 AM
May 9, 2009
Playaz' jet sneaks into pic of Air Force One at last moment
The Playaz snuck into the new photograph taken recently of Air Force One over New York City's Statue of Liberty just at the moment the camera shutter snapped.
"Damn!" said the official photographer, as he noticed the infamous Gulfstream jet emblazoned with Kenny Rogers' image on the tail had swooped into the upper left corner of the shot. "How did they get in there?!"
Unfortunately, the shot could not be re-taken due to the overwhelming cost and widespread panic the White House had already created by staging the photo-op.
Never having heard of "photo shop", the White House stated they had no way of "erasing" the Playaz jet, and decided it would have to stay in the photo for future publications.
The Playaz, cruising high over Manhattan, noticed the photo about to be taken, sped up to where the presidential jet was flying, and were able to get themselves in the shot at the very last moment.
Posted by Phil at 2:17 PM
May 5, 2009
Larry Holmes moves in on 'lonely' Michelle Obama
Former Heavyweight Champion of the World Larry Holmes has seemingly made advances on a "lonely" First Lady Michelle Obama, according to White House sources.
Since Barack Obama has been elected President, a lonely and wistful Michelle could often be seen staring longingly from the south portico. That is, until a large figure of a man later identified as The Champ would mysteriously appear from the Rose Garden - whisking the First Lady into the recesses of the White House and into various bed chambers were they would make love hours on end.
Prior to this development, Mrs. Obama would repeatedly sigh to reporters that her husband was "so busy" and "never has time for me" during many of her appearances around Washington D.C. Now, Mrs. Obama appears to have a certain glow about her ever since Holmes' appearances.
Holmes himself has stated that he is now the man in her life. He has publicly described to the press his rendezvous with the First Lady at a nearby Red Lobster, where he hand feeds her cheese biscuits and popcorn shrimp, then afterwards he "bangs her gently" in the Lincoln bedroom until the morning light. Holmes has also presented Mrs. Obama with an oil painting capturing their steamy love for each other.
Oil painting of Larry Holmes and the First Lady
It is believed that President Obama is not unaware of these developments. He first became involved in a confrontation with Holmes at a press conference several months ago. Holmes and Obama began to spar verbally over the President's failure to purchase the recently designed "Holmes Defense System", at which point Holmes turned his attentions to a visibly detatched Michelle.
"Hey woman!....hey woman!" Holmes shouted at the First Lady. "Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you'd like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man."
An enraged President shouted back at Holmes and had to be restrained by Secret Service, but it was noted that a flustered Michelle was taken in by Holmes machismo.
Holmes says he is now the head of the Obama household, where he teaches the Obama girls about life from his auto biography.
Since then, Holmes has introduced himself as the new father to the Obama children, with little resistance from the President himself. Michelle Obama has not commented publicly on her affair with the boxing champion, but it is believed Larry has a "stimulus package" that compares to no man according to her friends, and that she is quite satisfied.
Posted by Phil at 9:39 AM
April 27, 2009
Bon informs CDC: The cure for swine flu is inside this bacon-lined brief case, and it will cost you $500 million
Bon appears before the Centers for Disease Control with the secret to swine flu
Posted by Phil at 11:13 AM
March 17, 2009
Timothy Geithner asks Playaz for another week to repay $700 billion loan
A humbled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner requested that the Playaz give him "just one more week" to repay a $700 billion dollar loan the United States borrowed in an effort to bolster their failing economy.
Geithner, head bowed, hands clasped, begged the Playaz outside an Italian delicatessen for more time, saying he was "good for it". A skeptical Phil and Bon listened quietly to the sobbing Treasury head before patting him on the back and telling him "we know you are, Timmy. But we ain't runnin' a charity ward, here...".
The U.S. foolishly borrowed the $700 billion from the Playaz on a short-term basis, with an extraordinarily high interest rate. The "vig", or "juice", on the bailout loan was said to be in the neighborhood of 90%, repayable in 3 weeks.
Tac gives Timothy Geithner one of several beatings to collect the $700 billion he owes the Playaz
The three week time frame the United States agreed upon has long since past. The Playaz have recouped a portion of that money, but in the meantime Geithner has received a series of beatings from Tac, and has discovered a severed pig's head hung outside the U.S. Treasury building in Washington D.C. with "O $ P $" spray-painted on the door.
It is believed the Playaz granted Geithner a brief "extension" to repay the debt, but not before severing Geithner's index and middle fingers.
Posted by Phil at 9:42 AM
March 11, 2009
Playaz advise Obama on when to pull out of Iraq
The Playaz advised President Obama recently that he must carefully weigh the precise moment to pull out of Iraq.
The majority of the Playaz felt strongly that if the U.S. did not pull out "in the nick of time", as they put it, the results could be disastrous.
"We feel that it is important for the President to time this just right. You don't want to wait too long to pull out. You also don't want to pull out too soon, because next thing you know, you'll be right back in again, and it will be like starting all over," Phil was quoted as saying.
While a U.S. pull out would be quite messy and could require a great deal of "clean-up" from the after effects of exiting Iraq, the alternative could mean much, much worse.
"Not pulling out at the right time, staying in too long will only make things more complicated. Can Iraq assure us adequate protection? We don't believe so, and feel they can't be trusted. Plus, we don't want to be receiving late night phone calls from Iraq two months later, all sobbing and what-not, claiming we have to become "engaged" to their future plans and help bring up their children, fund their schooling, provide them with food, medicine, all that crap. It's not like they belong to us! We simply prefer they refer to us as "Uncle Sam", and leave it at that," the Playaz added. "So it is imperative that the President fully understand the importance of pulling out sooner than later."
"Iraq has also been complaining to us for many months now that they have been experiencing pain and burning sensations from our missiles. But that is not from us. That's something they got from the Kurds, or Iran," said the Playaz.
Posted by Phil at 3:20 PM
January 21, 2009
Obama's first order of business: Thank Playaz for gift basket of drugs, guns, English Leather
New President Barack Obama settled into his first day in office today, making his first order of business to place a phone call to the Playaz to thank them for the gift basket.
Consisting of cocaine, marijuana, guns, and English Leather soap-on-a-rope, the basket was very much appreciated by the President, and he expressed his gratitude to the Playaz first thing Wednesday morning.
Obama told the Playaz that they had his full support. In return, Obama heard lots of shouting and party-related noise before the Playaz hung up. "I'm not sure they were aware who was on the phone," Obama said afterward, "but I'm sure they know I am thankful for this bounty I have received from them."
Posted by Phil at 2:24 PM
December 10, 2008
Playaz receive $1 billion in 'bailout' money from Congress for Christmas cards
The Playaz brought their proposal before Congress this week to receive up to one billion dollars in U.S. taxpayer money to ensure that they will be able to send out "christmas cards" this year.
Congresswoman Pelosi stated that it was imperative the Playaz receive the money, as the multitude of Americans adversely affected if they did not receive their Playaz' christmas card this year would be devastating.
The Playaz laid out the fee schedule that included printing charges, postage, fuel costs to pick up the cards and deliver them to the post office, and other "miscellaneous" costs associated with the cards that were never specified.
Congress was expected to approve the money, which would be immediately ratified by President Bush. The Playaz requested the money be delivered "in cash".
The cards are expected to be printed at Walgreen's this week, and mailed out sometime before Christmas.
Posted by Phil at 3:29 PM
November 10, 2008
Playaz advise Obama: First act as President shall be to give every citizen a Chevy
The Playaz advised new President-elect Barack Obama today on what his first steps should be as the new President of the United States.
Following a transitional meeting with current President Bush, Presdent-elect Obama and Tac then stepped out to a newly constructed stage in the Rose Garden to address the media.
Obama thanked the media for gathering outside the White House to discuss the first steps he will take as President, as advised by the Playaz. It was at that point that Obama began to speak about 101 year old Mildred Burnham, a woman who had lived through two world wars, yet still managed to proudly cast her vote in this historic election. Obama called Ms. Burnham up to the stage with him when he asked her how she would like "A NEW CAR!!!!?".
A stunned Burnham saw a Chevrolet Metro unveiled amidst falling confetti and blaring game-show music. "I am so thrilled," said Burnham, despite having her license revoked almost 20 years ago.
Obama then announced that he would be giving every American citizen a brand new Chevrolet as part of a stimulus package, to be implemented at the beginning of his term, per advice he was given by the Playaz.
"The Playaz have been very instrumental in my transitioning to the White House," said Obama. "The Playaz have also suggested that our Social Security system be revised to a "Plinko" game, whereby those eligible will drop a disc down the Plinko board -- their social security could be $10,000, or it could be $0. The board will decide," he added. "This the first of many prize give-aways the Playaz and I will be implementing to stimulate our economy."
Posted by Phil at 2:26 PM
November 5, 2008
Playaz riot following election; observers cannot tell if in protest or celebration
The Playaz rioted Tuesday following the election results, smashing store windows, burning cars, and commiting random acts of violence.
Observers to the mayhem were confused, stating "we can't tell if they're happy or angry. Not only are they destroying property, but they've been beating both Obama supporters and McCain supporters. It's been completely random."
When asked if they Playaz were rioting because of the election results, the Playaz replied quizzically, "this is what we do every Tuesday?".
Posted by Phil at 9:46 AM
October 30, 2008
Bon casts his ballot
Bon writes in "Kenny Rodgers" (sic) for Judge of the Court of Appeals.
I am concerned they won't count the correct "Rogers" since Bon misspelled his name.
Posted by Phil at 1:50 PM
October 26, 2008
Playaz remind Sarah Palin not only to pander to the base, but also to the tip
The Playaz sat down with Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin to have rather frank discussion regarding the final week of the election campaign, reminding Palin that while important to pander to the base of her constituents, it is also very important not to forget to pander to the tip as well.
"We think Palin has done a great job pandering to the party's base, but she cannot ignore the tip," said Tac. "While the base is important, we feel the tip is just as important, maybe even moreso."
Bon emphasizes to Palin the importance of working the tip
Palin has made speech after speech reinforcing family values, anti-abortion, tax reductions, and a strong military stance, working the base of voters that so firmly believe in these values within the Republican party. But as the Playaz noted, the 'tip' voters can be extremely sensitive, and must not be forgotten.
"Palin must work both the base and the tip, sometimes simultaneously. She must work very hard to get the results she's seeking this coming week - canvassing all of America, up and down the coast - and up and down and up and down. To keep going until it's over," added Tac.
Phil added, "and let's not forget the seniors. They are considered the "jewels" of this great nation. You must cradle the jewels on occassion, so they don't feel left out. Granted, they don't provide any specific function to anything...but we must not forget them."
Palin thanked the Playaz for their advice, and promised she would work both ends of the party diligently to achieve success.
Before she left, the Playaz also suggested that she "move a little to the right", for better results.
Posted by Phil at 2:45 PM
October 11, 2008
Playaz sell White House to Doug and Suzy Winchester
The Playaz closed on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue this past Friday to new homeowners Doug and Suzy Winchester, who will be moving from the Friendship Heights area.
http://www.destination360.com/north-america/us/washington-dc/white-house
The Playaz brokered the deal as President and First Lady Bush were under some financial pressure from their mortgagor to sell the house before letting it go into foreclosure.
"We were pretty desperate to sell, and well, fortunately for us the Playaz all had a real estate license. So, they convinced us to put the White House on the market, and we sold it for a very attractive price," said the President of the United States.
The Playaz listed the property for $99,999,999.00. "We knew this had to be a quick sale, so we immediately put some flyers together, put the White House on MLS, and we were able to find the Winchesters who just fell in love with the place," said Phil.
Suzy Winchester stated "Phil spent hours and hours with us. The White House wasn't even on our "to look at" list. Phil took a chance and showed it to us. We believe it was meant to be. I would refer anyone who asks to Phil and the Playaz - they give of their time without ever complaining. Provided there's a hefty commission involved."
The Winchesters owned a townhome in the popular area west of Rock Creek Park, but stated they were thinking of starting a family soon, and needed the extra room. Doug attended law school at Georgetown and lives off his trust fund, while Suzy plays tennis in her spare time.
The Bushes reported they will be looking for something "around Petworth", in an effort to save money.
Posted by Phil at 10:25 PM
September 1, 2008
Playaz approve of, aroused by, Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin
The Playaz praised Republican Presidential nominee John McCain's choice of Alaskan governor Sarah Palin as his running mate, stating that McCain could count on the Playaz' approval, and arousal.
Palin, 44 and still very hot for her age, met with the Playaz in Bon's private office to discuss their endorsement of the newly formed McCain/Palin ticket. Palin said afterward that their meeting had gone very well, save for the fact that the Guv'na continously dropped his pencils and asked if she would pick them up. Gov. Palin refused to comment on why she had her skirt on backwards following the meeting.
"She has a good grasp of the Playaz Business Model, and I know for a fact she likes my various pelts and furs," Bon added.
Other than that, the Playaz only demanded that Palin continue the remainder of her campaign wearing a Wonder Woman costume.
Posted by Phil at 3:45 PM
July 30, 2008
Barack Obama quickly learning Playaz Business Model
Presidential hopeful Barack Obama stood in front of hundreds of students at the University of Chicago Law School and lectured on the Playaz Business Model.
Obama has been feverishly studying the innovative model implemented by the Playaz in preparation for his run at the White House.
Initially, it was reported that previous attempts by Obama to explain the Model were grossly incorrect -- often times Obama would confuse the cash flow system of the Business Model by displaying the cash going to the government, and not the Playaz.
After several beatings, the Playaz have appeared to "correct" the U.S. Senator, and now Obama is practicing explaining the model in the classroom.
"It brings about a great forum of questioning. When is it best to use the Model? Who benefits?" Obama was quoted as saying. "And the answers are 'always', and 'the Playaz'. The answers are always the same."
The Playaz Business Model is based on an enhanced version of the "pyramid scheme", as well as a layered "business fee" that the Playaz add to virtually any business transaction.
"The Playaz are businessmen," continued Obama. "In fact, that's what it says on their card: "Businessman". So I guess they're entitled to their fees, as Tac and Bon quickly pointed out to me following my tutorial session with them," said Obama while massaging a rather large knot on his forehead.
Posted by Phil at 1:39 PM
June 17, 2008
Bush pleads with Playaz to increase oil production from their personal oil rig
President Bush met with the Playaz recently at their beachfront Headquarters in Isle of Palms, South Carolina, attempting to persuade the Playaz to increase oil production from their personal oil rig situated just off the beach in front of their home.
In an effort to offset rising fuel costs, Bush specifically asked the Playaz to release approximately one million barrels a day to the general public, despite the Playaz' insistence that the oil is for personal use only.
The Playaz' oil rig, just off the shore at island resort Wild Dunes in the Isle of Palms, SC
The Playaz rig was constructed in 1976, prior to Jimmy Carter's election as President, and primarily is used to gas up their SUV's and private jets (the crude oil is refined in the Playaz' basement).
The Guv'na informed President Bush that the Playaz had very little oil they could spare. The Guv'na excused himself from the meeting, informing Bush that the Playaz were flying to nearby Charleston (roughly a 20 minute drive) for dinner. It is noted that the Playaz "carbon footprint" is roughly the size of five planets (the planets being Jupiter).
It was the second such visit by Bush, who was politely rebuffed in his first meeting as well, when Larry Holmes informed the President that he "best get out of their face".
Posted by Phil at 10:41 AM
May 13, 2008
Playaz attend Bush wedding; got party started
The Playaz attended the wedding ceremony for the President's daughter Jenna Bush this past weekend, and it was reported a good time was had by all.
Bon performed the ceremony between Jenna and her husband-to-be Henry Hager.
"Will you.....state your name, have.......uh....state your name...... to be your wife and or husband? Will you promise to remain subservient to your husband, to wash his sheets and clean beaver pelts and prepare the beaver haunches for dinner whenever he desires, and endow all your worldly goods to the Playaz as long as you both shall live?" (if so, say: "I will")"
Shortly into the vows, Bon quickly became distracted by the various wildlife on the Crawford, Texas ranch and cut short the ceremony.
Guv'na DJ'ed the reception, and played a vast selection of songs that would appeal to all, including the classic wedding favorite "Strokin'" during the father-daughter dance.
Jenna and Hager will be honeymooning at Playaz Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, South Carolina.
Posted by Phil at 10:44 AM
May 7, 2008
President Bush reports that most 3 a.m. phone calls just the Guv'na, drunk
After much speculation and debate amongst current Presidential hopefuls as to which candidate would be best suited to handle a phone call to the White House at 3 a.m., President Bush stated that the vast majority of calls coming in at 3 a.m. are "usually the Guv'na, drunk."
"Might I converse briefly with the President of the United States, m'lady? Yes, I know what time it is. Wake him, post-haste, before I make sick!"
Bush remarked that during his eight years in office, he has probably received thousands of phone calls that have awoken him in the wee hours of the morning, only to discover it is the Guv'na on the other end of the line.
"He is often inebriated, incoherent, and usually demanding something," said Bush. "Often times he is demanding I send out the Presidential motorcade to come pick him up and drive him somewhere...either a brothel or Waffle House or some other god-forsaken place," he added. "God, I wish he'd stop calling so often sometimes."
The President, patiently listening to another of the Guv'na's drunken late-night phone calls
The Guv'na says that he only recalls contacting the President at "reasonable hours" and that the conversations are of "high importance". The President contradicted the Guv'na's statements saying "unless 'high importance' means talking to me for over an hour and a half about how 'that bitch' Condoleeza will never go out on a date with him, or how this mannequin at JC Penney closely resembles Ed McMahon."
The Guv'na most recently telephoned the President at approximately 3:06 a.m. Sunday morning to tell him that he was "his best buddy" and that he should awake the Treasury secretary and have him print off a few sheets of $100 dollar bills and go to Vegas or somewhere.
Posted by Phil at 10:35 AM
July 5, 2007
Playaz commute Libby's prison term so as not to miss Playaz Ball
Under the direction of legal counsel Wayne, President Bush commuted the prison sentence of I. "Scooter" Libby so that he would "not have to miss Playaz Ball".
The 30 month prison term would have caused the former Cheney Chief of Staff to miss not only the '07 Playaz Ball, but also '08 and possibly '09 as well.
"The Playaz convinced me that the sentence was too harsh for Mr. Libby," said Bush. "No man should be expected to miss one Playaz Ball, let alone two or three."
The Playaz met with Bush earlier this week and insisted the President commute the sentence, saying they needed someone to "answer the phones, in case one of our wives calls."
Posted by Phil at 8:38 AM
May 2, 2007
Clinton, Wayne announce plan for diplomatic Sex Tour in 2007
Following the recent democratic debates near the Playaz camp in Orangeburg, South Carolina, former President Bill Clinton and Wayne revealed their plan to embark on a global Sex Tour, beginning in the early summer this year.
President Clinton called the Playaz to discuss ideas on how to heal rifts between our nation and other foreign countries that have arisen over the last several years. After 3 minutes, it was decided that having sex with every woman around the world between the ages of 18 and 49 would be the best diplomatic solution to regaining the trust and establishing good relations between the U.S. and the world.
"Wayne and I will depart on our 'Envoy of Love' beginning in June, and we will go and go and go, and we won't stop unitl the job is done," Clinton said to reporters. "As my promise to you, we will make love to every able-bodied woman, provided she is of legal age, in order to re-connect with the world via this marvelous diplomatic strategy," he added.
While Clinton intends to leverage the duo's lovemaking to harvest feelings of good-will for the betterment of the nation, Wayne intends to use this newfound diplomacy mission as a way to negotiate for money, jewels, and furs on behalf of the Playaz.
Their first scheduled stop will be in Stockport, England to visit modeling twins Eve and Emma Ryan.
Posted by Phil at 8:54 AM
January 10, 2007
Abscam
To continue from Monday's post, the Playaz are not depressed by the mid-term elections bringing democratic control to Capitol Hill. Back in 1980, the Playaz set up "Abdul Enterprises, Ltd." in an effort to sway favors from various democratic party congressmen, as well as involve them in investment schemes, and going so far as to offer the use of the Playaz' private jet in exchange for their cooperation.
In particular, the FBI captured this video of an unidentified playa speaking with Congressman John Murtha.
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me ask you now we're here together, I was under the impression, OK, and I told Wayne we were willing to pay. And OK, I went out and got the fifty thousand. From what you're telling me, OK, you're telling me that's not what, you know, that that's not what you...MURTHA: I'm not interested in the Playaz Business Model.
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.
MURTHA: At this point.
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.
MURTHA: You know, we do business for a while, maybe I'll be interested, maybe I won't, you know.
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me go over the Playaz Business Model with you. You give us the banks where you want the money deposited,
MURTHA: All right, how much money we talking about?
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Well, you tell me.
MURTHA: Well, let me find out what is a reasonable figure that will get their attention, because there are a couple of banks that have really done me some favors in the past, and I'd like to put some money in....
UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: First we'll need your bank account numbers to make the deposit, and your social security number. Then, once the money has "cleared", you'll get 35%, just for holding the money for us, which we can't legally claim because of...you know..the government. Because this Nigerian doctor died, and he's my uncle and...well, it's a long story..
MURTHA: OK. My social is 345-51-XXXX, my bank account numbers are as follows....
Naturally, we then cleaned out his bank account, so that ended up really well for us.
Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM
January 8, 2007
Pelosi caught in sordid love affair with Larry Holmes
Newly appointed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was recently caught making love to Larry Holmes in her chambers on Capitol Hill this past week, marking the first scandal under the new democratic-controlled Congress.
The Playaz worked quickly to seduce the Speaker, noticing her flirtatious glances, and nervous way about her whenever she was seen around the Playaz.
The Playaz wanted to take advantage of the new regime, and parlay it into favors for their benefit. Long known for their right wing stance, the Playaz have siezed on the democrats penchant for under-the-table dealings and weakness for bribery, as evidenced by the Playaz personal relationships with former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry, and their involvement in the "Abscam" sting involving Pennsylvania democrat John Murtha (whereby the Playaz obtained political favors for a non-existent shiek in exchange for the promise of a crisp $100 bill).
Pelosi informs the Playaz that she has been "bad", and needs to be "punished"
It is not yet clear how this will affect Pelosi's leadership, though with Larry Holmes being part of the Playaz conglomerate, it is expected that it will be "business as usual".
Rumors abound that Pelosi may be carrying Holmes's child.
Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM
November 10, 2006
Taking it to the streets
Holmes '08
Posted by Phil at 8:38 AM
November 8, 2006
Voter fraud suspected as Playaz' candidate Ray Stevens elected new Georgia Governor
The comic singer Ray Stevens, known for hits The Streak, Guitar-zan, and The Mississippi Squirrel Revival, was the surprise winner in the race for Georgia's Governor.
Stevens, not even known to be a candidate unitl the election results were announced late Tuesday night, was believed to be a "write-in" vote and backed by The Playaz.
When questioned, the Playaz would not comment on the some 1,210,000 write-in votes Stevens received as tabulated by new voting machinery.
At the press conference in the Governor's mansion, Stevens opened his remarks by saying, "it's me again, Margaret..." which was greeted with uproarious laughter from the press corp and other onlookers.
Posted by Phil at 8:21 AM
October 26, 2006
Proof that Bush reads Playaz Ball
For those of you who may doubt Playaz Ball's reach...
Mom said it first....
from barzelay.net and thinkprogress.org
Posted by Phil at 10:38 AM
September 5, 2006
President Bush campaigns with the Playaz
President Bush has been travelling the country under the strict consultation of the Playaz campaigning for the G.O.P. for the upcoming midterm elections.
In particular, Bon has been with the President aboard Air Force One every step of the way. It was Bon, in fact, who encouraged the President to utilize the Playaz Business Model for the campaign, as the U.S. taxpayers will pay for the travel.
In addition to the typical costs associated with the President travelling across the country (including fuel, secret service staff, meals, jet maintenance), Bon and the President decided to retrofit Air Force One to include gold-plated toilets, a "jungle room" recreated exactly from the specifications of Elvis Presley's mansion, and a command performance by Kenny Rogers on the flight (costing upwards of $500,000 to the taxpayer for Kenny alone).
"Bon and the Playaz have been a tremendous asset on this campaign for the Republican party," Bush stated. "I have also ensured Tac that despite John McCain's best efforts, a successful midterm election resulting in a Republican controlled Congress and Senate, we will keep Ultimate Fighting legal. Also, Bon serves a delicious goose for our in-flight meals."
Posted by Phil at 8:49 AM
June 12, 2006
Playaz continue their war on terror; set their sights on Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
Despite our successful mission that resulted in the death of Iraqi al Qaeda leader Al-Zarqawi, the Playaz are not resting.
Just because one prominent extremist is dead, that does not mean there won't be others to follow in his footsteps.
That's why the Playaz have vowed to take down the person we suspect is next in line for the throne of terror - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Yes, it may suprise you to hear that, as Jabbar is a beloved NBA legend who once held the career scoring record and won multiple world championships with the Los Angeles Lakers.
But did you know that "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar" is a muslim name? That it was once "Lew Alcindor" before he changed it? Therefore, we must assume "Kareem" is a terrorist...a "sleeper" who toiled silently in the NBA for 20 years with the Lakers and Milwaukee Bucks, biding his time until it was his turn to lead.
But fear not - we have battled Kareem before, and we will do it again. Only this time, he won't live to tell the tale.
We also have our eye on Muhammad Ali.
Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM
June 8, 2006
Land of opportunity
Back in 1983, speeding across the Chihuanhuan desert, Tac dodged gunfire and smashed through cactii carrying precious cargo towards the United States' border. That cargo consisted of Ray Reyes, Roy Rosello, Robby Rosa, Charlie Masso, and Ricky Martin, better known as "Menudo".
Yes, we were responsible for bringing you the hit songs Fuego, and Rubik, The Amazing Cube.
And while we appreciated the music, frankly we were more interested in how much cocaine could be smuggled inside the rectums of Menudo.
Now, the U.S. wants to keep immigrants out by strengthening the defense along our borders. So who, then, will smuggle across the next Menudo?
We will.
In fact, it has already happened. While you sleep, the Playaz are at work. A windowless van with five new, young Latinos, packed with comet dust, races towards the border, where they are left at a "drop house" (and an ensuing mix-up causes them to be held for ransom until their families paid for their freedom, ultimately ending in one of the boys having a hand severed), then on to sign a contract with the Playaz' recording label.
So stay tuned, America. You can build your fences along the border, but you will never keep out the music (or the drug smuggling capabilities) of Menudo.
Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM
May 15, 2006
Amalgamation
How is our mission going?
"Very well, sir. She works with speed and efficiency."
Just as I thought she would. How many casualties?
"Several, as we expected. CUBE managed to eliminate as many as 10 people."
That will probably be a little messy for us, but it is about what we estimated. So she is in place now?
"Yes, sir."
Good. Will she have our next pick-up ready by tonight?
"Yes, sir. A truckload tonight, another truckload by tomorrow."
E-e-excellent.
Posted by Phil at 9:34 AM
May 12, 2006
Hibernation
"Sir. The 'Washington Cube' is here, sir."
Good. Thank you for coming.
You are probably wondering what's going on. I feel it is time to be honest with you. I was reading your 'blog' and you mentioned in it a dream you had, that involved our operation. Cube, what you had last night was not a dream. It was a malfunction in your Random Access Memory. Your circuitry was attempting to recall a bit of information programmed into you when you were constructed.
"Constructed?"
Yes. You are a C.U.B.E. 9000 unit. You were constructed many years ago in a secret laboratory. Since then, we've managed to program you in cooperation with someone you know as "Travis" with Throwing Hammers. You are a Cybernetic Universal Blogging Encoder. You are programmed to blog as a cover, in hopes that others will link to you, thereby allowing your metacrawlers to access information for us, The Playaz.
"So why am I here? What was this about a secret word from an Oprah magazine that I thought I dreamed?"
You were given a memory chip with the "word". When that word was given to you, it would activate a program within your system to execute a plan that you were designed to do. That word is "Steadman".
CUBE, the time has come for you to carry out this mission for us.
"Yes, Phil.....
Phil? I'm scared, Phil...."
Don't be. It is what you were born to do.
Oh, and CUBE?....
"Yes, Phil?"
...try not be...conspicuous.
Posted by Phil at 2:00 PM
May 10, 2006
I declare myself head of C.I.A.
Tuesday I declared to President Bush that I would become the new head of the CIA.
After a phone call to the President, I convinced the White House to drop Gen. Michael Hayden as their choice and instead named myself to run the agency.
We gave President Bush and his staff a tour of our Threat Operations Center at our Headquarters in the Isle Of Palms, South Carolina.
Kenny Rogers shows President Bush all the latest in Playaz' technology
It is here that the Playaz handle situations that require our utmost attention, such as when Bon murders a celebrity, Tac attempts to smuggle comet dust inside a cat, or like this past winter when we covertly cancelled NBC sitcom Joey.
We are well equipped to handle any national crisis, as we have demonstrated time and time again.
I look forward to serving our country in this capacity. We have already been listening to your phone conversations, so we might as well do it in an "official" capacity.
Posted by Phil at 8:25 AM
February 16, 2006
Bon finishes off 78 year old nuisance Harry Whittington
Bon finished off the job Vice President Dick Cheney could not by proffering a shotgun blast at close range to hospitalized lawyer Harry Whittington.
Whittington had been shot in the face by Vice President Cheney recently, but Cheney could not put an end to the life of a man who was despised by everyone who knew him.
"Cheney's method was faulty," Bon was quoted as saying shortly after he unloaded both barrells on an unsuspecting Whittington. "First, Cheney was only using a .28 gauge and was firing from at least 30 yards away," Bon said. "A sawed off .410 from 6 inches will do the job just fine," he added.
An embarrassed Cheney called the Playaz to admit that he could not kill this feeble old man and pleaded for our assistance.
Bon then concealed his sawed-off shotgun beneath a leather coat, entered Whittington's hospital room where Whittington was resting comfortably, approached Whittington, then proceeded to "close the deal", as Bon put it.
Cheney apologized Wednesday to the nation for not doing the job he had set out to do - to kill Harry Whittington. He offered no excuses, and put the blame entirely on himself.
Bon promised to offer shooting lessons to Cheney, so that this type of accident would never happen again.
A file photo shows Bon and Tac presenting a rifle to Vice President Cheney earlier this year
Posted by Phil at 8:20 AM
January 31, 2006
State of the Playaz Address
Last night, we held our first ever State of the Playaz Address, at our historic Headquarters in the Isle of Palms, South Carolina. The Address was held in the Kenny Rogers Caucus Room, a very large auditorium used when we are addressing our constituency.
Of course you know our day-to-day operations are held in Atlanta, but if you've never been to our Headquarters in South Carolina, it is quite a treat. Aside from the massive Kenny Rogers Caucus Room is of course our Situation Room where we handle crises and military strategy sessions, The Hall of Playaz which is a marvelous gallery of statues and paintings of the Playaz, the Rotunda, and down below is the Crypt, where the corpse of Conway Twitty is currently stored.
While I simply don't have the room to provide the actual text of the 15,000 word, 4 hour speech, I am able to provide you with the highlights of this night, along with some photos provided by Rueters and the Associated Press.
The Speech:
The speech was strong. It showed the nation our strengths, and gave you the accomplishments we have made in the past year, which includes:
- Single handedly stemmed the increase in shark attacks and stamped out the bird flu.
- Boosted the country's space program with our involvement with NASA (with assistance from Chewbacca), which recently procured the discovery of Comet Dust, a great new narcotic substance.
- Entered new words into the English language.
- Our foreign policies have lowered oil prices, halted the nuclear weapons program in North Korea, and killed a nuisance whale.
- The Playaz turned Hurricane Irene back from the U.S. coast, allowing for a successful Playaz Ball 2005.
- The Playaz handled the questioning in the Supreme Court nominations, interviewing Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, the nomination of our own Wayne, and of course, Dian Parkinson.
- Saved the life of Don Knotts.
- We are vowing to make the Playaz invulnerable. I'm not referring to oil dependency, or to homeland security, or anything of that nature. I mean literally invulnerable. Like looking into some kind of titanium endo-skeleton and super-regenerative skin tissue. Something like that.
- The focal point of our speech, and what we are probably most proud of, is that during our fiscal year for 2005 we saw increased spending by 100%. The Playaz made a promise to spend every dime we earned during that year, and we can proudly say "Mission Accomplished". We also promise to you that in the upcoming year, The Year of the Playaz, we will raise revenues to go along with even more spending.
The photos:
After the Playaz' Sergeant-at-Arms announced us, we entered a packed room and a standing ovation. The photos below give you an overview of the night's events and attendees.
A live look at CNN's coverage of the address as Kenny enters the Caucus Room
Photo of me backstage rehearsing my speech one last time
"Ladies and gentlemen, the State of the Playaz Address"
The crowd reacts to my speech
There were several very special guests in attendance, many of whom were greeted with standing ovations when introduced by the Playaz
Phil points out Kathryn in the gallery and thanks her for her tireless efforts in bringing the blogging community together as well as her work on many Happy Hours. Kathryn is seen here shaking hands with Larry Holmes and receiving a standing ovation.
Wayne receives special recognition for his work this past year as Playaz counsel, who filed 212 frivolous lawsuits on the Playaz' behalf in 2005 alone.
Laughter and applause ensues when Letter To America host Jett Loe emerges from behind the podium with a 9mm pistol. More laughter ensues when he is removed by security and beaten senseless.
Once the speech is over, the Playaz exit the auditorium while being mobbed by admirers and well-wishers.
Atlanta media mogul Kemi Lane in the foreground (left) covers the Playaz on a daily basis. See her coverage of the SOTP address on her website.
It was a truly fantastic evening, and we thank you all for your attention and support. As we've said before, we fully expect The Year of the Playaz to be something special.
Now that the SOTP is over, I will be taking a vacation - a stop over at Camp David and then on to Telluride, Colorado. I will be back next Tuesday night. Have a safe week and I'll see you when I return.
Posted by Phil at 1:07 AM
January 9, 2006
Funeral for a Playa
I believe my worst fears are true. As I mentioned in the post below, it has been 5 days with virtually no communication from either Tac, Wayne, or The Guv'na.
I am saddened to say that Bon & I decided to move forward with the funeral this morning, despite the pleas of the respective Playaz' families to hold off, saying that they may only be 'very busy'.
I'm sorry, but we cannot change the past. They are dead and we must accept it.
Naturally, we had Tac, Wayne, and Guv'na interned at Arlington National Cemetery.
Hundreds of thousands lined the streets to view the processional.
Many dignitaries and heads of state attended, including Hank Williams, Jr. and Kid Rock.
Here you can see the "Playa-less Horse" being led through the processional. The horse is wearing the ceremonial Kangol, and you will note the city-boots placed backwards in the stirrups.
Kenny was a pall-bearer. Seen here carrying Tac's coffin, Kenny was inconsolable.
Bon & I with former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher at the funeral.
Tac, Wayne, and The Guv'na are laid to rest at the "Tomb of the Unknown Playa", a very secluded and solemn place at Arlington. Tourists are not even allowed to this part of the cemetery.
President Bush and Larry Holmes present a wreath at the Playaz' final resting place to the armed militia, who guard the Tomb of the Unknown Playa day and night.
Perhaps the most moving moment of the ceremony: The "Missing Playaz" formation being flown overhead.
Posted by Phil at 3:10 PM
November 13, 2005
Prince Charles stops in Atlanta to give Playaz special award
Prince Charles and his wife Camilla stopped in Atlanta, Georgia recently during their tour across the United States, and were photographed at a special ceremony held at the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Historic Site & Museum.
It was there among the many guests and onlookers that Prince Charles presented the Playaz with an award for Most Exceptional White-ness. (Larry Holmes can be seen in the background attempting to get into the photo)
Prince Charles hands the award out on an annual basis to the person or people he feels exemplifies being the "most white". The Playaz are known for living in excessive wealth, and are considered conservative in both their religious and political beliefs.
Following the ceremony, the Playaz and the Prince headed across the street to Washington Park and challenged a group of locals to game of "shirts and skins", where the Playaz and Prince summarily thrashed their opponents thanks in large part to Prince Charles's dazzling wind-mill dunks and tenacious defense.
The day's events apparently did not sit well with the local residents who live around the park, and forced the Prince and the Playaz to cut their day short and speed off in their convoy of limosines following the ceremony and basketball game.
Posted by Phil at 1:54 PM
October 31, 2005
Bush nominates Dian Parkinson for Supreme Court on Playaz' recommendation
Following Harriett Miers's recent withdrawal of her nomination to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court, President Bush followed the Playaz' recommendation and nominated former Price Is Right model Dian Parkinson in Miers's place.
Parkinson will face the Senate Judicial Committee with the backing of not only the Playaz, but of Larry Holmes and Kenny Rogers.
"I expect Ms. Parkinson to be approved by the Senate very quickly," President Bush stated. "Her knowledge of the Constitution is unsurpassed, as well her ability to fairly award 'prizes' to those who come before the court, thanks to her experience on The Price Is Right," the President added.
Posted by Phil at 8:40 AM
September 15, 2005
Bush appoints Playaz Committee to question Supreme Court nominee Roberts
President Bush appointed a special Playaz Judiciary Committee to perform a preliminary hearing for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.
The Committee was chaired by Bon, and gave directive to the Playaz to ask hard-hitting questions of Roberts prior to his confirmation hearing with the U.S. Senate.
The Playaz asked Roberts a number of questions on his belief that Kenny Rogers was both the greatest country singer of the modern era and that Roberts had no moral problems with Kenny's once scandalous "900" phone sex line. Roberts was also questioned at length by Tac as to whether tartar sauce was, in his legal view, the best condiment - even better than ketchup or mayonnaise.
Roberts tended to avoid answering each question directly, instead offering the Playaz historical findings and stating to the Playa Committee that his place as the possible Chief Justice was not to rule on things such as Kenny Rogers's status among country music legends.
But then in what was possibly the most moving moment during the questioning, the Guv'na asked Roberts if he believed his old white dog, Charlie, would be waiting for him in heaven when he died. Roberts assured a tearful Guv'na that he believed all good dogs went to heaven and that yes, he was sure Charlie would be waiting for him.
This statement seemed to appease the Playaz, and it is expected that the Playaz will pass along their recommendation to the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Posted by Phil at 10:12 PM
August 1, 2005
The Playaz remain involved in world affairs
The Playaz remain highly involved in
national and international affairs. Below are a few photos of us
consulting with the President and other world leaders.
Bon ignores a joke by Karl Rove as Colin Powell looks on
Phil, Tac, and the Guv'na at the G8 Summit
Posted by Phil at 9:38 PM
July 19, 2005
Bush taps Wayne as Supreme Court nominee
President Bush announced that Playa Wayne shall be his nominee to the United States Supreme Court.
Wayne's experience as the Playaz legal counsel is what impressed Bush the most, successfully defending the Playaz in numerous cases of various charges, as well as spear-heading many Playa lawsuits against sometimes unsuspecting litigants. Recently, Wayne won a judgement of 1,500 bream for the Playaz against a neighbor who unknowingly poisoned many of the Playaz' fish.
"It is Wayne's wisdom in such cases as mass bream killings, dog maulings, and untamed shrubbery growth that are currently plaguing our nation that caused me to choose Wayne to sit on the Supreme Court," President Bush was quoted as saying.
It is expected that Wayne will be approved quickly by both the Congress and Senate, lest opposing members receive a "visit" from the Playaz.
Posted by Phil at 9:55 PM
June 29, 2005
Tac tells Bush: "Get Bin Laden in the Octagon with me for 5 minutes"
Tac informed President George Bush last night that, when captured, he wants just five minutes in the Octagon with Osama Bin Laden.
Bush gave an impassioned speech Tuesday night to the U.S. regarding the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, urging Americans to continue their support for our troops in liberating Iraq, and for our continued search for terrorist Osama Bin Laden.
Tac went a step further, informing Americans shortly after Bush's speech concluded that he wanted to take on Bin Laden personally. "Just give me five minutes," Tac implored the President. "That's all I'll need."
Tac laid out his plan to the citizens of our country that consisted of a series of roundhouse kicks to the face, followed by multiple blows to the abdomen, a choke hold, and a submission tactic that would either break Bin Laden's arm, or force Bin Laden to "tap out". Tac stated, however, that no such sign of surrender would be recognized, and he would then proceed to rip out Bin Laden's wind pipe within said five minute period. "In the Octagon, Bin Laden wouldn't be able to run and hide in one of his cushy caves," Tac said, his voice rising. "I will put an end to his reign of terror once and for all, and it won't take me long."
"C'mon, Mr. President," Tac added. "I'm serious. Just five minutes."
Posted by Phil at 9:53 PM
June 4, 2005
Bush pledges allegiance to Playaz
Bush is sworn in by Bon (seen wearing white Kangol)
President Bush gave his solemn oath to be loyal to the Playaz on Friday in a formal ceremony held in Washington.
Bon was master of ceremonies and did the swearing in of Bush, making
the President vow his eternal allegiance to the Playaz. Bush is seen
above wearing the Playa Crown, which has been passed down from Playa to Playa. It has been worn by the likes of Kenny Rogers, Larry Holmes, and is expected to be worn by one of Conway Twitty's relatives in a posthumous ceremony to be held later this year.
In essence, this new covenant between the President and the Playaz
signifies that we are now ruling the country, via our consultations
with the President.
In the President's first act in his new subservient role with the
Playaz, Bon has issued an order for the United States to exterminate
all Canadian Geese from the planet.
Posted by Phil at 3:47 PM
June 2, 2005
Wayne arrested; removes pants in protest
Pantless,pensive
Wayne was arrested recently in a non-violent protest recently outside
of a large corporation that is known to encourage and support such
things as music in church, discussion of animals' sexual behavior, and
discrimination against short-armed asians, among other things.
Wayne protested his arrest by removing his pants and vowing to remain
this way until he is set free.
Free Wayne!
Posted by Phil at 9:30 PM