August 3, 2009
Playaz turn in Willy Wonka to FDA for health code violations
Famous chocolatier William "Willy" Wonka was incarcerated for multiple health code violations discovered by the Playaz, who promptly turned him over to the FDA. It is also expected that Wonka will be charged with the murder of up to five people.
Wonka, posing in front of a river once believed to be made of chocolate. The FDA confirmed it to be nothing more than raw sewage.
The Playaz raided Wonka's chocolate factory and made many disturbing discoveries. A "river of chocolate" that flows through the factory was actually composed of liquid feces, where an overweight german child died immediately after attempting to consume what he thought was chocolate before falling into the veritable sewer.
The factory was also teeming with a disturbing species of orange-skinned "oompa loompas", deemed "pests" by the Playaz and quickly exterminated.
Wonka had long been famous for his quote "invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple." The Playaz were quoted as saying the factory was "more like 53% perspiration, 46% fecal matter, 4% pubic hair, and 2% semen." The Food and Drug Administration determined these findings to be true.
Phil points out the enormous amount of 'greenish' pubic hair on the floor of Wonka's factory.
More 'oompa-loompas', dumping out what is believed to be semen inside the factory.
The eccentric candy maker had recently opened his factory to five lucky children, three of whom died (the aforementioned german, one girl who died of severe allergic reaction, another who was incinerated, and an English boy Charlie, who was killed instantly along with his grandfather when an elevator crashed through a glass ceiling), and one who was shrunk and his whereabouts unknown.
Wonka, seen here being led out in handcuffs for multiple health violations with murder charges pending.
Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM
August 25, 2008
Playaz return from Playaz Ball to announce new chain of convenience stores
The Playaz returned to Atlanta on Sunday and held a press conference to announce that they will be unveiling a new brand of convenience stores across the country.
The convenience stores will aptly be titled the "Snack 'N' Piss", where travelers may stop to purchase marked-up food products and relieve one's self along their journey. Feces will require an additional fee.
I am ashamed to say the Playaz did not take many photographs at this year's Ball. I'm quite certain the Playaz smoked far too much comet dust, as we became even more lethargic than was previously thought possible. We did enjoy our new rascal scooters this year, however.
Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM
May 31, 2006
Tac administers comet dust-laced shake to Pat Robertson, giving him 'strength of a full-grown Clydesdale'
Tac proclaims comet dust gave "700 Club" host Pat Robertson the strength of a raging Clydesdale horse capable of leg pressing 2,000 lbs.
A magic shake, containing protein, flaxseed oil, and enough comet dust to cause a 73 year old man to smash through a brick wall, gave Robertson the strength to achieve the age-defying feat.
Tac has cured Wilford Brimley of diabetes with comet dust. Comet dust was also involved in the tragic death of Don Knotts.
Posted by Phil at 2:36 PM
May 30, 2006
Playaz replace water supply with delicious Sunny Delight
5/31: Our servers/comments were down most of yesterday, but are back up and running today. Sorry for the inconvenience.
This weekend, we decided to replace the earth's water system with deliciously refreshing Sunny Delight.
With the turn of a valve, we dumped millions of gallons into area streams, rivers, lakes, and tributaries of the fruit flavored beverage that will alter the hydrologic cycle. Soon, the Sunny D will evaporate into the air forming tangy, vitamin C filled clouds that will rain down Sunny Delight eventually replacing what we know now as "water". Imagine...you will have "Sunny D" running through your taps!
We feel that water is rather bland tasting, and decided to utilize our extensive resources to dump Sunny D into area reservoirs and water systems to the delight of billions of people across the globe (along with a nice kick-back from the Sunny Delight Beverage Corporation :)).
Here is what the new water cycle will look like:
So enjoy a refreshing summer - expect fall and winter months to feature "Baja", and for spring, "Intense Sport" flavors!
Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM
May 2, 2006
The Playaz guide to a healthy diet
Many people ask us, "Playaz, how do you stay so fit, trim, and healthy in appearance?"
The answer is, we eat a specially planned and balanced diet. No, not the daily recommendations given to you by the Food & Drug Administration. I'm talking about a regimented Playaz Diet, guided by our very own Food Pyramid. Take a look:
We find that this diet helps keep the Playaz going around the clock. Whatever calories are built up from the delicious cheetos and doughnuts are soon burned off by the mini-whites and cocaine. And, you will note that the Playaz recommend a liberal scattering of comet dust throughout your day.
Why risk eating vegetables that only put you at risk to the pesticides farmers use? And the cheetos will provide you with all the 'dairy' you need.
So please, stay healthy, America. The Playaz' way.
Posted by Phil at 8:59 AM