July 30, 2008

Barack Obama quickly learning Playaz Business Model

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama stood in front of hundreds of students at the University of Chicago Law School and lectured on the Playaz Business Model.

Obama has been feverishly studying the innovative model implemented by the Playaz in preparation for his run at the White House.

Initially, it was reported that previous attempts by Obama to explain the Model were grossly incorrect -- often times Obama would confuse the cash flow system of the Business Model by displaying the cash going to the government, and not the Playaz.

After several beatings, the Playaz have appeared to "correct" the U.S. Senator, and now Obama is practicing explaining the model in the classroom.

"It brings about a great forum of questioning. When is it best to use the Model? Who benefits?" Obama was quoted as saying. "And the answers are 'always', and 'the Playaz'. The answers are always the same."

The Playaz Business Model is based on an enhanced version of the "pyramid scheme", as well as a layered "business fee" that the Playaz add to virtually any business transaction.

"The Playaz are businessmen," continued Obama. "In fact, that's what it says on their card: "Businessman". So I guess they're entitled to their fees, as Tac and Bon quickly pointed out to me following my tutorial session with them," said Obama while massaging a rather large knot on his forehead.

Posted by Phil at 1:39 PM

January 10, 2007

Abscam

To continue from Monday's post, the Playaz are not depressed by the mid-term elections bringing democratic control to Capitol Hill. Back in 1980, the Playaz set up "Abdul Enterprises, Ltd." in an effort to sway favors from various democratic party congressmen, as well as involve them in investment schemes, and going so far as to offer the use of the Playaz' private jet in exchange for their cooperation.

In particular, the FBI captured this video of an unidentified playa speaking with Congressman John Murtha.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me ask you now we're here together, I was under the impression, OK, and I told Wayne we were willing to pay. And OK, I went out and got the fifty thousand. From what you're telling me, OK, you're telling me that's not what, you know, that that's not what you...

MURTHA: I'm not interested in the Playaz Business Model.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: At this point.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: OK.

MURTHA: You know, we do business for a while, maybe I'll be interested, maybe I won't, you know.

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Let me go over the Playaz Business Model with you. You give us the banks where you want the money deposited,

MURTHA: All right, how much money we talking about?

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: Well, you tell me.

MURTHA: Well, let me find out what is a reasonable figure that will get their attention, because there are a couple of banks that have really done me some favors in the past, and I'd like to put some money in....

UNIDENTIFIED PLAYA: First we'll need your bank account numbers to make the deposit, and your social security number. Then, once the money has "cleared", you'll get 35%, just for holding the money for us, which we can't legally claim because of...you know..the government. Because this Nigerian doctor died, and he's my uncle and...well, it's a long story..

MURTHA: OK. My social is 345-51-XXXX, my bank account numbers are as follows....

Naturally, we then cleaned out his bank account, so that ended up really well for us.

Posted by Phil at 8:50 AM

November 6, 2006

"Small Business Owners" Breakfast seminar hosted by Playaz

A cocaine-fueled, Hall of Fame pitcher Phil Niekro captivated a seminar for small business owners, sponsored by the Playaz this past Wednesday at the Cobb Galleria.

Niekro, former knuckle-baller for the Atlanta Braves and keynote speaker, gave an impassioned speech following a doughnut and cocaine breakfast provided by the Playaz, urging the local business men and women in attendance to "crush their opponents" as a way to success.

The 318-game winner was highly animated, raising his voice often and frantically pounding his fists, during his address. He cited examples of his playing days with the Milwaukee and Atlanta Braves as metaphors that could translate into successful business strategies.

"I got beat," Niekro admitted to the audience. "I got beat a lot. But I never let that stop me from getting back up!" Niekro added, the veins in his temples beginning to bulge.

"If I got knocked down, I would say 'You know what? I'm going to keep coming at you until I win!' I remember pitching against Johnny Bench and he hit one of my knuckle balls for a grand slam that wound up costing me the game. But the next time I faced him, I put a fastball right in Johnny's temple and split his skull," said Niekro. "That taught Johnny Bench," he added angrily. "When I was going for that 300th win, I tried and failed 4 times before I won number 300. I was stuck on 299 for so long, I didn't think I'd ever make it. But I kept working, never let my attitude get me down, and I finally won when prior to the game I threatened to kill (Toronto Blue Jay) Jesse Barfield's family if he knocked in any runs that day. Then I beaned him, too."

>"Knucksie" demonstrates his fiery competitive demeanor to one youngster, threatening to smash her in the face with his baseball if she asked one more dumb question

Sweating profusely, Niekro's speech went on for over 4 hours, and ranged in topics from his stance on the designated hitter to his hatred towards the police.

"Phil Niekro was outstanding," the Playaz said afterward. "He was extremely motivating as we expected. Phil's advice on business and on life is perfect with his 'never-quit' attitude. It is the same philosophy the Playaz use towards their business dealings."

"Phil Niekro gave Atlanta business owners a tremendous message," one businessman said. "His advice is that of vengance, and I think it is the best strategy for today's business leaders."

Posted by Phil at 8:37 AM

September 10, 2006

Stephen Hawking proves Playaz Business Model has characteristics of a black hole

Famous physicist and mathemetician Stephen Hawking recently announced that he had proven a theory that the Playaz' Business Model maintained the same characteristics as a "black hole" from outer space.

Hawking stated, "The first indication of a connection between black holes and the Playaz Business Model, came in 1970, with my discovery that the area of the horizon of a black hole, just as the Playaz bank accounts, always increased. There was an obvious analogy with the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which states that entropy, which is a characteristic of a black hole, always increases. But it was Phil, Bon, Guv'na, Wayne, and Tac, who took the bold step, of suggesting their Business Model was actually like the physical entropy, and that it counted the internal states of the black hole, in terms of dollars. I was very much against this idea at first, because I felt it was a misuse of my own shrinking bank account as aresult. If a black hole had a physical entropy, just as the Playaz Business Model had entropy, it would also have a physical temperature. If a black hole was in contact with thermal radiation, it would absorb some of the radiation. If the Playaz were in contact with your wallet or bank accounts, it would absorb the account balance therein. But the black hole would not give off any radiation, since by definition, a black hole was a region from which nothing could escape. And the Playaz would leave behind not a single dollar, as their Business Model was a region from which nothing could escape. If the thermal radiation was at a lower temperature than the black hole, the loss of entropy down the black hole, would be greater than the increase of horizon area. And if the will of the Playaz was to transact business with you, the gain of money into their pockets would be greater than the loss of money through your savings that they had the account numbers for. It is genius, really, and quite an interesting phenomenon."

Hawking, who recently met with the Playaz to discuss and gather data on the Playaz Business Model to help him form his theory, also stated that he has named Tac to be his right-hand man for the next two years to help him plan lectures and draft scientific papers, following a public search for an assistant.

Posted by Phil at 9:05 PM

August 14, 2006

Playaz business model at work

Over the course of the last year, we have tried to teach you the methods and theories of the Playaz Business Model. Today, I would like to give you a few examples of how it works in the real world.

Case study 1

As a result of the new movie Superman Returns, the Kangol Corporation was approached by the producers of the movie to see if they were interested in having their product worn by one of the characters in the movie. Naturally, Kangol wanted the Playaz advice.

Kangol CEO: Playaz, we have been approached by the folk at 'Superman' to have one of our kangols be worn by the Lex Luthor character in the movie. We would like your advice.
Playaz: Of course. Pay us our standard 'business' fee in cash, up front.
Kangol CEO: Okay. Here you are. So, Playaz, do you think this is a good idea?
Playaz: Yes. Thank you, and good day, sir.

Case study 2

Recently two banks, SouthTrust and Wachovia, merged to form one of the largest banks in the South. With the aid of Playaz, Inc., we ensured the transaction went smoothly.

But in this case, the CEO's of the former rival banks can't decide which name to use; SouthTrust or Wachovia?

We were then asked to arbitrate and help them make the right decision. We asked the CEO's to meet the Playaz and we would decide fairly which company should emerge victorious in this debate.

Meeting deep in the Black Forest, in the moutians of the Appalachain, we led the two business leaders to our "Tree Stump of Justice", wherein lived the dreaded Wood Beast.

We explained that each of the CEO's would take successive turns inserting their arms into various openings in the tree stump until the Wood Beast stung one of them. Once the Wood Beast's poison has entered the blood stream of the stung CEO, that CEO would die within a matter of minutes and would therefore decide which name should be used as a result of the corporate merger.

As many of you know by now, the CEO of SouthTrust died and Wachovia is now the banking brand we all recognize as a result of that merger (and The Playaz received a handsome fee for their services).

Posted by Phil at 9:30 AM

February 11, 2006

Playaz Business Model

Some of you continue to be confused by the Playaz Business Model. We've attempted to explain it to our potential business partners, and even a few of our readers have been somewhat in the dark as to how the model works.

So here, for your viewing pleasure, is a visual diagram of the model (thanks to the Guv'na). Please study and memorize it. It will remain linked in the "Categories" section of the sidebar for future reference.

Thank you.

Posted by Phil at 10:16 PM

January 19, 2006

We are rich!

Update 1/23: Latest correspondence posted below

You already knew that. But more specifically, we recently received an email straight from the desk of a Mr Suleman Muhamede with the Bank of Africa.

Mr. Muhamede has discovered $33,500,000 of "abandoned" money from one of their foreign clients who tragically died recently. He has no next of kin. Mr. Muhamede has decided that it would be bad for this money to go unclaimed, since it would only revert to the government treasury. So he has wisely chosen us, The Playaz, to assist him in laundering this money in the States for a cut. It is all legal, he assures us. Plus he is with the Bank of Africa, which is the bank for the entire continent of Africa, so you know it must be legit.

Below is the email exchange between me and Mr. Muhamede, starting with the intial contact I received and my replies following:

suleman muhamede (muhamede07@hotmail.com) wrote: From the Desk Of: Mr Suleman Muhamede, Bank of Africa.Burkina faso.

ATTENTION: SIR/MADAM

I REQUEST FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSACTION
I am the manager at the auditing and accounting department of Bank Of Africa
(B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of US$33.5.m dollars ( US dollars) in an account that belonging to one of our foreign customer.Who died along with his entire family in Monday, 31 July, 2000 in a plane crash in paris.Please visit this site that is one of the evidence the directors brought in other to swallow
the money at the end of the day,
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm"

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this
discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent isbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed bill.

The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after fours years, the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. I agree that 30% of this money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.

Thereafter, I will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to your desiggnited bank account ,you must apply first to the bank as a relation or next of kin of the deceased with a text of application that i will send to you,so i will ike you to send to me your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted. Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application . I will not fail to bring to your
notice this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.

You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.

°1)Dear p/s reply this mail.
°2)your tele number...........
°3)your fax number...........
°4)your photo................with your age......

WHEN YOU DO THIS I WILL FORWARD YOU A FORM THAT YOU WILL FILL
AND SEND IT TO BANK.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr Suleman Muhamede,
BANK OF AFRICA(B.O.A)

Mr. Muhamede,

This is exactly the type of transaction we are interested in.

My company is Playaz, Inc. We are businessmen. We will take your $33.5 million dollars. However, you do not fully understand the Playaz Business model. We deposit your millions in our multiple off-shore accounts. In return we will give you a crisp $100 bill for entrusting us with your money. We will spend it wisely, I assure you.

Please send us the money as soon as possible.

Thank you for your kind offer. Our personal information is all online.

Sincerely,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede wrote: Dear Phil, Thanks for your willingness to assist me in this transaction.I want to assure you that this business is 100% risk free.I give you my words and we are going to conclude this transaction in Good Faith and share the fund peacefully.You don't have to be worried because I will ensure that this fund is transfered into your account without having any problem.What you have to do is to listen to my guide line untill the fund is transferred into your account then I will come over for the disbursment of the fund according to the percentages I indicate in my first letter.30% for you,60% for me and 10% for any expenses you and I may incure....telepone bills and taxes your bank will request when the fund is transfered.For your information I got your email address from an internet when I am looking for a reliable person I will do this business with though I did not know much of you.I strongly beleive that we will work together as partners and get this fund transfered into your account peacefully.Y ou have to undrstand now that don't have much time now so we have to be fast in any thing we are doing to be get intoch to bank informed. May looking at the whole transfer process it might look so difficult to achieve a sucessful result but I tell you that it is not as difficult as you might see it.There will not be any risk or problem after this fund is transfered into your account because i will delete all the files concerning the deceased in our bank after the fund is transferred.This business is involve only you and I.I want to assure you that this business will not cause any kind of problem to you because we are going to do it legally.When this fund is transfered there will be some cover up document's my bank will issue you to show your bank that this fund is legally acquired.I tend to invest some part of this fund in hotel business and also import some agricultural machine's back to Burkina-faso which I will use to set up mechanised farming.We can join together to set up all this investment if you wish but if it is not ok by you then you have to collect your own share and do any thing you want to do with it.This business will take us about 14 working days to mature.You have to give me the benefit of the doubt and give me all the surpport I need in this business and I assure you that we will all smile at the end of the day. Mr Suleman Muhamede. Bellow is the application for the transfer. ========================================================================================================================== ATTN: Dr Adama Compaore The Director of Operations Foreign Remittance Division Bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina-faso. EMAIL:bankofafricaa@excite.com

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION FOR THE TRANSFER OF US$33.5 Million US dollars FROM DORMANT ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55.
Please be inform that I wish to transfer the sum of US$33.5 Million US dollars from Account number $286-41732-55 to a new account as will be detailed below:

BANK NAME: ...........................................
ADDRESS: .............................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ................................
BENEFICIARY: .........................................
YOUR PRIVATE FAX NUMBER / YOUR EMAIL
ADDRESS: .........................................
AGE....................................................
This is the money left behind in your Bank by my deceased cousin Mr.Kurt Kahle who died in a Plane crash on Monday, 31 July 2000. He was an Australian national, but resided in Ouagadougou Burkina-faso and owned :

STE BILLINGS SARL
IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY,
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.

I am his cousin and named next of kin. I wish as the heir apparent to claim and instruct that the above mentioned amount be transferred into my nominated account as shown above.
Please,accept this late application as it was due to family logistic
problems consequent upon his funeral rights. I hope you will expedite action.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours faithfully,

Mr. Muhamede,

Believe me, you have found the most reliable person on teh internets.

Please allow me to restate our business model: You give us the $33.5 million dollars (we prefer it be delivered in cash, for tax purposes). In return you will receive a newly minted, crisp $100 bill for your trust in the Playaz. "Is this a fair deal?" you ask? Yes!

Here is how you benefit: By delivering us this "found" money, you will supply the Playaz with the funds necessary to continue to entertain you, the entire continent of Africa, and the world. We cannot operate our jets, buy our drugs, our gold medallions, our minks, our Red Lobster dinners, without the generosity of investors like you. You stand to gain by allowing yourself to become one of our investors. Your return will be almost sure wealth as the people you encounter through your future endeavors will most assuredly be impressed by your connection with the Playaz. This will open many doors for you. And don't forget the $100 bill we promised! It will be mailed to you post-haste, after we have received this glorious bounty you are so graciously giving to us.

We will need you to mail the money, in a large box or container of some sort, and mark it "books", or "cheese" or something that won't garner attention. Put the return address from my uncle who lives in Minnesota (I will provide to you upon confirmation). When you mail it, wear a purple bandana and a red izod cardigan and call yourself "Steve".

Also, we have come into a large amount of Comet Dust, from outer space. We are looking for a reliable individual to deliver a large amount of this dust for the purposes of resale. We believe it to be illegal here in the States, but feel that there are no adequate Comet Dust laws in Africa, and would provide a loophole in allowing us to sell it there and for a hefty profit. We would like to deliver to you roughly 100 kilos of comet dust. We will discuss it's street value once you have received it. Then, once you sell it, you will provide us access to the money for retrieval, and in return we will give you a crisp $100 bill.

If this arrangement sounds good to you, we are ready to go!

thanks,
Phil & The Playaz

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote:
I don't understand you my dear.

OK, forget all that. This might make more sense to you, as our model can be confusing.

First we sell my father's suburban. Then we turn around and buy a bass boat. We take the bass boat out to California and sell it (bass boats in California will sell for nearly double what they will here), turn around and buy a load of "Hula Poppers" (perhaps the best fishing lure on the market), turn around and buy more bass boats, sell those and then buy a Lear jet.

Let me know and we'll get started. Our information is online at www.playazball.com.

Sincerely,
Phil

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: i don't understand all your saying thanks bye

So we'll just wait to hear from you, then.

Suleman Muhamede (su_mu001@yahoo.com) wrote: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT

So it's all settled then.

Mr. Muhamede has since closed his Yahoo! email account. I assume further correspondence will be through the "Bank of Africa"'s Excite.com email account.

Posted by Phil at 6:01 PM

November 1, 2005

Here is your chance to become rich

Forget real estate, forget stocks, forget the McDonald's Monopoly game. This is your chance to be rich.

Thanks to an idea from reader Travis over at the Throwing Hammers blog, we have decided to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime by holding a little contest.

First, allow me to explain something about the Playaz. We are, of course, rich. Not from any effort or hard work of our own, but through our business model that is Playaz, Incorporated. Playaz, Inc. allows the Playaz to live lavish lifestyles through investors and business associates who wish to give us money in exchange for our business. We are 'business men'. Do you have a some business that requires money to exchange hands for goods or services? Consult with Playaz, Inc. We will take that money, take our share, then pass the remainder of that money to the appropriate party or parties. That's how we do business.

Another example is this website. It is hosted and designed by a very successful international corporation for free. Why? Because this particular company realizes it is simply good business to provide the Playaz with a service based on our demands, and thereby be able to associate themselves with us, which will in turn make them more money (after our cut, of course). Our jets, our beach houses, minks, etc., are all courtesy of an 'angel investor', or venture capitalist, if you will, who provides the Playaz capital in exchange for the Playaz providing themselves with whatever it is we want. This person makes nothing on the return of their investment. That's just how we roll.

BUT, we are willing to do something extraordinary and make you rich, just like us.

We will give you until November 11, 2005 to send to the Playaz your best idea, invention, investment opportunity, etc. You put up all the money. We choose the best idea and then we will feature it on our blog, which will lend the idea instant credibility. If the idea is truly good, as we expect it will, you do all the work to implement the plan which will then make money and we will both share in the profit.

The idea of this contest is for you to come up with an idea that you feel will suit the Playaz, maybe even somehow promote us in the process. Tell us how much money it will cost, and the steps taken to make the idea succeed. Be as creative as you can. Use visual aides if necessary.

Once you've done that, email your idea to playazball1@yahoo.com. We will then vote on the winner and announce it here on our site. You may ask us any questions you have in the comments section below.

Good luck!

Posted by Phil at 9:05 AM