September 14, 2009

Playaz incensed Kanye West ruined another classy event during MTV Video Music Awards

The Playaz were still livid following Kanye West's interruption of country music star Taylor Swift's acceptance speech during the always classy and dignified MTV Video Music Awards ceremony.

What was otherwise a delightful evening of refrained, sober reflection of the year's most outstanding Music Videos was ruined once again by the flagrant attempt of the rapper West to shock the music patrons in attendance.

As Miss Swift accepted her award for Best Music Video from the Playaz, West stepped in to take the microphone away, acting in a most unprofessional manner and making a pretentious exhibition over who he believed the rightful recipient of the award should be.

This selfish act interrupted a carefully pre-planned make-out session where Madonna was to appear on stage, rip off the dress of Swift and being to make out with her and the Playaz. By ruining the highlight of the evening's ceremonies, West prevented the staged event from taking place.

West then received a completely unplanned and impromptu beating at the hands of the Playaz backstage.

"We've had enough of Kanye West's shenanigans and sullying the reverent, orderly, and classy show that MTV awards shows are always known for," said the Playaz.

*comments are currently experiencing technical difficulties - Phil

Posted by Phil at 9:59 PM

September 8, 2009

Playaz air episode of "Hee-Haw" for Georgia school children instead of Obama speech

The Playaz, who own a majority of the broadcasting stations in Georgia, opted to air an episode of the classic comedy variety show "Hee-Haw" instead of President Obama's planned speech to the nation's school children.

Georgia area students sat quietly as they prepared for a raucous, uproariously good time from the Kornfield County gang while many other school children were forced to watch a boring speech by a man in a suit saying words that nobody cares about or understands.

The kids were enthralled by such skits as "The Cornfield Jokes", "Pickin' and-a' Grinnin'", "The Naggers" (Gordi Tapp and Roni Stoneman), and were especially excited when they shouted "What's for supper?!" at Grandpa Jones.

Musical numbers by the late Hager Twins and the Hee-Haw Gospel Quartet were included.

"We felt the children learned a great deal today. For example, the sketch involving Junior Samples and Roy Clark as grade-school students, with Minnie Pearl as their befuddled teacher, gave the students an idea of what classroom learning is all about," the Playaz said.

Posted by Phil at 4:45 PM

April 18, 2009

Playaz demand Susan Boyle be banned from future television appearances

The FCC and BBC received angry phone calls from the Playaz recently, demanding that new British sensation and hideous Susan Boyle be banned from any future television appearances.

Susan Boyle, who should never be seen again

The highly unattractive Boyle has appeared on multiple telecasts after singing on the TV show "Britain's Got Talent".

Reportedly, the Playaz stated that while in another room they heard a lovely voice singing over the television. Rushing in to see what they expected would be a scantily-clad teenager, the Playaz aroused state was quickly eliminated when they saw the horrifying image of Ms. Boyle before them.

"This woman need never to appear on television again. In fact, any images of her should be completely removed from all media and I would further request that she remain indoors for the duration of her life," read a statement from the Playaz. "She has made it difficult for us to become even the slightest bit turgid now, as we cannot get her out of our head despite our best efforts."

Posted by Phil at 9:16 AM

November 20, 2008

Playaz embroiled in controversy after comparing Dick Clark to "Hitler"

A recent news conference turned into an epicenter of controversy recently when Phil Braun made comments comparing Dick Clark, the beloved host of "American Bandstand", "Pyramid", and "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve", to Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler.

Phil expressed concerns about the upcoming New Year, and whether or not Clark should be involved in this year's festivities as he has been since 1972. Phil compared Clark's annual show to Nazi Germany's radio broadcasts of the 30's and 40's, whereby the Nazi's propaganda was broadcast and authorized by Hitler himself, in similar fashion to Clark's own "propaganda machine", as Phil described it. "Dick Clark has controlled American airwaves for over 40 years and the content which he allows Americans to view and hear, much the same way Hitler did during the Third Reich," Phil stated. He also compared Ryan Seacrest to Joseph Goebbels, who at the time had many German musicians and songwriters under his influence.

Seacrest with Clark on New Year's Eve, whom Phil compares to Goebbels and Hitler

Phil continued to compare Clark's "TV's Funniest Bloopers" franchise to Hitler's ability to convey to Germans an "offended national pride" by showing all of televisions foul-ups and blunders, thereby embarrassing the American populace into following Clark as an all-powerful dictator-type.

Word spread quickly of Phil's comments, creating a massive backlash from the American people, who generally say they love Dick Clark and many of his broadcasts. Phil has refused to retract his statements or issue an apology to "that drunken lush", referring to Clark. When informed that Clark recently was victim to a stroke, and did not speak that way due to alcohol consumption, Phil excused himself to his parlor without further comment except to add of Clark's "extreme hatred of Jews".

Posted by Phil at 3:09 PM

October 3, 2008

Sensitive to economic conditions, Playaz hold Telethon for themselves

In the midst of a plummeting stock market, failed financial institutions, and soaring gas prices, the Playaz held a fund raising telethon, benefitting themselves.

The Playaz were able to raise approximately eighty-five million dollars, thanks to generous donations made over the course of their prime-time, 24 hour broadcast that was host to a multitude of celebrities and entertainers.

Guest stars Roger Moore, Miss Piggy, and Phil crack up during rehearsals
for one of their planned sketches during the Telethon

Special guests such as Ray Stevens performed, as well as Tony Orlando and the lone living Hager Twin, Jon Hager.

The Playaz present Tony Orlando with the naming of a street after him, conditioned upon Orlando
making a generous donation. After review of Orlando's financial records, the street name was revoked

The phone banks were manned by notables such as President Bush, Dian Parkinson, Fidel Castro, and Queen Elizabeth II, among others.

The Playaz and the entertainers used incredible amounts of narcotics, including 'comet dust', to keep them going for the 24 hours. The show grew increasingly bizarre as the night wore on. At one point, there was a solid 64 minutes of air time devoted to an obviously high Wayne giving a dissertation on Lasik surgery and it's benefits.

However, that did not deter the viewing public into giving the Playaz the money they so adamantly demanded.

Posted by Phil at 3:37 PM

November 6, 2007

Regis Philbin killed after colliding with Guv'na's car; "He just fell from the sky"

Regis Philbin was killed almost instantly earlier today after colliding with the hood of the Guv'na's car in Beverley Hills.

Guv'na reportedly told the police that Philbin "fell from the sky" and landed on the hood, a blow that also severed Philbin's legs.

Police could not explain how this phenomenon could have occurred. "We have never known Philbin to have the power of flight, but perhaps he thought he did and that's what caused this tragedy."

Guv'na will not be charged in the accident.

Posted by Phil at 3:13 PM

May 29, 2007

Playaz mourn death of the great Charles Nelson Reilly

Our Memorial Day weekend got off to a rough start at the news of the death of beloved friend Charles Nelson Reilly.

A man who reached stardom through his many appearances on game shows, and his superb acting in TV show "Love, American Style" and movie classic "Cannonball Run II".

Please find an online guest book somewhere and sign your condolensces for this fine man. CNR, we will miss you.

Posted by Phil at 9:36 AM

May 25, 2007

Blowin' up cats: all the cool kids are doin' it

As a public service announcement, our most recent video "Cat-tastrophe" is being featured on the main page of Super Deluxe (along with several other less important, semi-interesting videos and shorts).

Super Deluxe is a relatively new broadband comedy channel that was launched by Turner Broadcasting (the fine folks who bring you Atlanta Braves baseball and Adult Swim).

So please stop by their site and watch our video again. And again and again. Leave a comment if you like!

Have a great weekend everyone.

(Note: The video is no longer on the main page - you can find it here or here -thanks to Super Deluxe for featuring the vid)

Posted by Phil at 9:32 AM

April 23, 2007

Get a whiff of our hair

Special thanks to Rock Creek Rambler for inventing this fine product.

Posted by Phil at 9:37 AM

February 4, 2007

Kenny Rogers upstages Prince at Super Bowl halftime show

Kenny Rogers 'wowed' the Super Bowl audience when Kenny jet-packed into Dolphins Stadium in Miami, landing just prior to the finale of Prince's halftime performance.

Towards the end of Prince's set, the crowd looked skyward to see Kenny descending upon them unnannounced, where he landed at center stage.

Kenny then stripped out of his jetpack suit to his traditional performance attire of bikini briefs, strapped on a Fender telecaster and ripped into an impromptu duet with Prince that included "Dirty Mind", "Gett Off", "Darling Nikki", and an especially funky "Islands In The Stream".

The FCC blacked out this portion of the Super Bowl performance, deeming it inappropriate for younger viewers, which included Kenny performing a simulated sex act with the Indianapolis mascot.

Posted by Phil at 8:25 PM

January 28, 2007

Battle of the Blog Stars

Tonight! On "Battle of the Blog Stars", your favorite blogging All-Stars "The Playaz" will pit themselves against the "Washington D.C. Blog-Stars" in feats of athletic prowess....

The Playaz, captained by Gabe Kaplan, will compete against various D.C. area bloggers in several 'made-for-tv' events such as the "Tug O' War" and "Canoeing"! Stay tuned!

Now for a word from our sponsor:

OK, we're back!

The Playaz fall behind early in the "Tandem Bicycling" event. Bloggers I-66 and Marci take an early lead before bloggers formerly known as Unique Alias and Rhinestone Cowgirl surge ahead. Their love for each other was channeled into some furious pedaling, defeating the Playaz team of Larry Holmes and Dian Parkinson. A poor decision having the 275 lb. Holmes take on this event. Let's see if they can rebound.

We're on to the swimming competition, where Hammer and the Captain will team with Kathryn and Namaste in this 400m relay event.

Unfortunately, it appears the Playaz relied on an aging Lynda Carter to anchor their relay team, and have lost yet another event, falling behind two events to none.

Kathryn (wearing Playaz-issued see-through bathing suit), "Team Playaz" captian Gabe Kaplan, Kenny Rogers, and Phil share a laugh following the swimming event

In the 100 meter dash, Bon wins handily thanks to performance enhancing steroids, which are actually encouraged in these events.

And we'll be right back after this quick commercial break:

Before the commercial break, the Playaz closed the gap, as we move on to the "Dunking Booth".

Phil entered the tank for the Playaz, taunting Team D.C. with each throw. Hammer is successful in dunking Phil on several occasions, but Team Playaz pulls this one out with the razor sharp-accuracy of Phil Niekro, dunking Team D.C. members repeatedly and even beaning several of the D.C.'ers who were reluctant to re-enter the tank.

With the score all tied, we move to the final event of our "Battle of the Blog Stars" with the Tug-'O-War.

The Playaz have pulled out a secret weapon, with the Cube 9000 serving as anchor for the Playa Team!

With a 15,000 lb. capacity built-in winch, the Cube 9000 easily handles Team D.C. The Playaz win!

Tune in next year when Kathy Lee Crosby joins Team D.C., as new contestants are sure to emerge to try and topple the Playaz!

Posted by Phil at 9:53 PM

November 29, 2006

Bon to replace lead singer of The Wiggles

The hugely popular children's group The Wiggles announced that Bon will be replacing it's lead singer, "the Yellow Wiggle" Greg Page, according to the Sydney Morning Herald.

Page has fallen to serious illness and has been absent from recent performances.

The Australian group announced there would be no major changes to the television show or their concerts. However, it was noted that there have been some immediate differences since Bon has joined the group. The once popular concerts have incorporated a great deal more satanic imagery, including ritualistic simulated "sacrifices" on stage, as well as loud heavy-metal music. Parents report the new show frightens most children and are not sure about Bon's influence on the group.

One Wiggle, wishing to remain anonymous, stated that Bon has introduced hallucinogenic drugs to the group to "get the creative juices flowing". He further stated that Wiggle "Jeff's" narcolepsy is not an act, but actually episodes of that Wiggle passing out from an overdose of drugs supplied by Bon. "The children love to shout "Wake up, Jeff!" whenever this happens, but in reality it all started when we became seriously concerned about Jeff falling unconscious because of Bon's drugs, to where we were screaming at him to wake up. We were legitimately afraid he had died. It's sad, really."

Bon looks forward to reaping the financial windfall from leading the Wiggles, Australia's top earning celebrities.

Posted by Phil at 9:01 AM

November 1, 2006

Rumor persists that Playaz forced Bob Barker's retirement

Bob Barker announced his retirement after hosting The Price Is Right game show for the past 35 years.

The Playaz recently joined Barker to present to him a gift honoring Barker's retirement and his 50th year in television.

A pen set with gold-plated cat testicles was given by the Playaz, acknowledging Barker's tireless work to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.

However, rumors have peristed that the Playaz forced Barker's resignation. Those rumors were fueled by Bon's long standing feud with Barker over his pro-animal stance, and the fact that the gift bestowed to Barker actually came from Bon's own Cat Testicle factory, where the cats are disposed of and the testicles are sent to "Kenny & Bon's" restaurant for consumption.

The Playaz were involved in The Price Is Right prior to Barker's arrival, before being forced out after several games were deemed to be rigged by the FCC.

The Playaz deny there is any rift between them and Barker, and wish him well in his retirement.

Posted by Phil at 1:35 PM

May 17, 2006

Tac patiently awaits orders from Gilad to strike

Tac has been awaiting patiently for instructions from Gilad, former ESPN fitness guru and creator of Bodies In Motion with Gilad video tapes.

According to Tac, Gilad has been rigorously training him for over 20 years through these video tapes for a mission not yet revealed to Tac.

Tac rises at 6 a.m. each day to tune in to the television show to see if the day has come when Gilad orders the strike. Tac adds that whatever the mission entails, he will be ready for it.

"Every morning I prepare myself for Gilad's intense physical training. Then, I insert the VHS tapes and proceed to perform over 300 lunges, 200 ab-crunches, and 375 squat-thrusts at Gilad's behest, and wait for some message instructing me that it is time to strike."

Tac is convinced Gilad is preparing him for battle against some unknown foe. "I know Charles Atlas and Jack LaLanne are dead, so it can't be them," Tac said. "But whoever it is, I will be ready."

Posted by Phil at 9:11 AM

April 3, 2006

Playaz purchase space robot 'Goldar' at flea market

Several of the Playaz visited a local flea market recently and discovered the former Space Giant "Goldar" standing amidst some various and sundry items being sold.

The 50 foot tall golden robot from outer space was seen "standing next to some junk, you know, old record albums, bongs, belt buckles," according to The Guv'na, and it was apparently for sale.

A young asian man going by the name "Mikko" was manning a card table of items for purchase that included the robot known as "Goldar". After a bit of haggling, Mikko agreed to let Goldar go to us for $21.

While we Playaz aren't exactly sure what we're going to do with our new possession, we feel he will come in handy when the time comes for more Comet Dust, as Goldar is able to transform himself into a rocket ship and carries with him several defense mechanisms.

His gamma-ray firing antennae seem to work okay, although he is out of torpedoes that would normally fire from his chest cavity. Other than that he works just fine. We were instructed to merely keep his joints lubricated from time to time.

The drawback is that this "Goldar" talks, which can be annoying at times, and he seems quite depressed. He keeps rambling on about his "wife" (?) who went by the name "Silvar", who according to him was much like a human in size and appearance. And, they had a kid! He didn't seem to know where he was. I guess they got divorced somewhere along the line. How this "marriage" worked I'll never know, but whatever.

He also likes to reminisce about his 'glory days' when he did battle with a fanged, afro'ed villain called "Rodak". We are forced to patronize him and his boring chatter until we can figure out if there is a switch that will turn him off.

Anyway, it is none of our concern as he is now indebted to us in eternal robot servitude.

We also saw a 1971 model "Spectreman" there, but it appeared to be in quite a state of disrepair.

Posted by Phil at 8:48 AM

October 22, 2005

Must see TV

This might become the greatest television show ever.

After you've read that, go to the main page for a sample clip.

Posted by Phil at 4:06 PM

October 3, 2005

The Price Is Right

This is to give you readers a little background on the time that the Playaz' hosted and produced the popular game show The Price Is Right. Prior to Bob Barker's arrival, Bon was the first host of The Price Is Right (the version that you have become familiar with, not the sixties version). Bon was an excellent host, albeit a bit aggressive and quick to anger with some of the dumber contestants. Bon ran a tight ship, and was responsible for many of the innovations that make TPIR popular today. Bon discovered and recruited the models who appeared on the show, knowing that their sex-appeal would boost ratings and help promote the show itself.

Many of you are aware of the Playaz late-night parties with the likes of Dian Parkinson, Holly Hutchinson, Ferrari Ferris, and many other of the fine ladies from TPIR. Well, they were Bon's idea, and were called "Bon's Beauties" before Barker came in riding on Bon's coattails. Wayne was the announcer for the show. Wayne is quite a handsome fellow, but has a notoriously jealous wife. In order to keep peace with his wife at home, who was not fond of the Playaz' carousing with the models on the show, Wayne decided to gain 50 pounds and wear flamboyantly gay clothing in an effort to keep the ladies away, a style that was copied by subsequent announcers after our dismissal.

We invented many of the games that are still played today. This is a picture of the "Playaz Clock Game", in which contestants tried to guess the measurements of certain Playaz within 30 seconds, where Bon would instruct the contestant to guess "higher" or "lower".

When the contestant guessed correctly, the clock would stop and then move on to the next Playa. This game was not a favorite of the network and was quickly cancelled, until the Barker-era came along and the game was simply renamed "Clock Game" where contestants guessed prices of vegetables and whatnot.

We were all fired, however, when it came out that we tried to rig the game by winning prizes for ourself. For three shows straight, either Tac, Manny or myself won as contestants on the show until the network caught on. We were forced to return most of the money, but we did get to keep a Chevrolet Caprice Classic they did not account for.

Another sore spot with the network was Bon's "kill all animals" stance, contrary to Bob Barker's stance on making sure your pets are taken care of by being either spayed or neutered. Thus, it simply didn't work out for us.

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM

September 6, 2005

The "CHiPs" pilot that never was

You were probably not aware of this, but Bon and Tac were originally slatedto appear on the hit television show "CHiPs", which aired from 1977 until 1983.

That's right. Bon was originally cast as officer "John Baker", and Tac
was cast as Sgt. "Joseph Catraire".

The pilot was shot around August of '77, and it looked like the network was going to have a hit on it's hands. But, a couple of things went astray. As many of you know, the character of "Ponch", played by Erik Estrada, was supposed to be a great handball or raquetball player. In the pilot, Ponch and John are playing a game of raquetball when Bon got a little over-zealous and smashed Estrada over the head with his raquet stemming from a dispute in the score.

There was tension on the set ever since. Secondly, Wayne was
negotiating the salaries for Bon and Tac, and Wayne felt Bon and Tac
deserved the same money as Henry Winkler was making in his role as "The Fonz" on Happy Days. Tac and Bon threatened to hold out until their salary demands were met.

Needless to say, the studio execs replaced Bon and Tac with Larry
Wilcox and Robert Pine, and the rest was history.

Posted by Phil at 9:13 PM