March 30, 2006

Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks

While Judge Conrad Bain rules it so, and millions of people agree, not everyone is convinced of Bon's innocence.

Asian Mistress sends us this by email today.

While I don't necessarily disagree, I can honestly say that Bon killed Don Knotts with an overdose of comet dust out of caring and love, not out of malice.

Posted by Phil at 1:43 PM | Comments (95)

March 29, 2006

Playaz call upon 'Themis'....Lady Justice

Prosecuting Attorney Ben Matlock: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Larry Holmes: Case closed!
(Wayne whispers something to Larry)
Judge Conrad Bain: Mr. Holmes, do you not wish to call a witness?
Larry Holmes: Uh, yes, your honor. The case is not closed. Not by a longshot. The defense has one witness we would like to call....
Judge Bain: You may call that witness.
Holmes: The defense calls......

....DOCTOR KENNY ROGERS!

(Loud gasps and audible murmuring rise from the gallery and jury box)

(Judge Bain bangs his gavel)

Judge Bain: Order! Order in the courtroom! You may proceed, Mr. Holmes.
Holmes: Thank you, your honor. Dr. Rogers, can you please tell the court why you are here today?
Kenny Rogers: Yes I can. I examined Don Knotts shortly after his tragic death.
Holmes: And would you tell us your diagnosis as to the cause of Mr. Knotts' death?
Rogers: Mr. Knotts died of pulmonary and respiratory difficulties.
Holmes: And what is that you have with you?
Rogers: This? Oh, this is Don Knotts' skull.

Holmes: Mm-hm. And what can you tell us about it.
Rogers: Well, I performed an autopsy on Mr. Knotts, and it revealed several hemorraging areas around the brain from over-toxicity due to drug use.
Holmes: And what did this tell you?
Rogers: .......it was Bon who killed Don Knotts.........
(loud wailing and yelling throughout the court room)
Rogers: .....but Bon did not murder Don, as the prosecution states. Bon killed him out of love.
Holmes: What do you mean?
Rogers: Yes, Mr. Knotts had high levels of comet dust coursing through his body at the time of his death..and that comet dust was provided by Bon.
Holmes: So the gloves they found belonged to Bon? Wayne? Would you show the jury the gloves?

Rogers: No, no. Everyone knows Bon only wears fire-retardant gloves when it comes to narcotics and free-basing. Those gloves belonged to me. I used them to examine Don after his death.
Holmes: But I don't understand? Could you explain to the jury..."why"?
Rogers: Certainly. The comet dust put Don in a completely relaxed and sedated state. Don was simply in too much pain. Bon tried his best to heal Don with the comet dust, as they had with Mr. Wilford Brimley, who is here with us today. But it was simply too late for Don. Bon provided the comet dust to take away that pain. Eventually, the comet dust in Don's brain told the body to stop breathing. It was simply Don's time to go.

There was not a dry eye in the court room. Prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock rose to speak...

Matlock: Your honor, in light of this testimony, the prosecution wishes to drop all charges against Mr. Bon...

Judge Bain: Then this court finds Mr. Bon not guilty of the crime of murder. This court is adjourned!

So all ended well...Bon was found innocent. Larry Holmes successfully defended his first capital murder case with no real legal training. Tim Conway was blacklisted as a racist in Hollywood and would never work again.

Posted by Phil at 8:53 AM | Comments (30)

March 26, 2006

The Trial of the Century continues

Prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock continues to question witnesses in the Don Knotts murder trial:

Matlock: Your honor, I would like to call to the stand my next witness, Shane Tackleberry!
Judge Conrad Bain: Proceed.
Matlock: State your name for the record please.
Tac: Shane Tackleberry.

Matlock: And are you better known as 'Tac'?
Tac: Yes.
Matlock: Mr. Tackleberry, you are quite savvy when it comes to illegal narcotics, aren't you?
Tac: I would like to invoke my 5th Amendment rights at this time.
Matlock: Did the Playaz discover, and do you distribute, a substance known as "Comet Dust"?
Tac: I am invoking my 5th Amendment rights at this time.
Matlock: Are you Bon's supplier of comet dust?
Tac: I am invoking my 5th Amendment rights at this time.
Matlock: Did you once pack a cat with 33 lbs. of comet dust to smuggle overseas?
Tac: I am invoking my 5th Amendment rights at this time.

Wayne: Your honor, it is obvious my client is not going to answer any further questions at this time.

Judge Bain: Mr. Tackleberry, do you plan to invoke the 5th Amendment on every question?
Tac: Yes, your honor.
Judge Bain: Do you wish to continue, Mr. Matlock?
Matlock: I have one more question. Mr. Tackleberry did you give Bon the black gloves and comet dust that killed Don Knotts?
Tac: I am invoking my 5th Amendment priveledges at this time.

(a low murmur is heard throughout the gallery)

Judge Bain: You may step down, Mr. Tackleberry. Mr. Matlock you may continue.
Matlock: At this time your honor I would like to introduce to the court Exhibit "A": a comet-dust covered glove found at Mr. Knotts' bedside at the time of his death.
Judge Bain: It is recorded as Exhibit "A".
Matlock: Your Honor, the prosecution asks Mr. Bon to try on the comet-dust covered glove.
Judge Bain: Larry, do you have any objections?
Larry Holmes: No your honor.

Bon struggles to make the comet dust-covered gloves fit

(gasping from the court gallery)
Larry Holmes: They don't fit!!
Judge Bain: Mr. Holmes, no further outbursts. Mr. Bon you can be seated.
Matlock: Your honor, we ascertain that these comet dust-covered gloves were provided by Mr. Tackleberry to Bon the night Don Knotts was murdered, based on Tim Conway's testimony witnessing the crime.

Posted by Phil at 6:09 PM | Comments (16)

March 23, 2006

Murder was the case that they gave me

Day 1 of Bon's murder trial got off to a rocky start when Judge Bain called a sidebar and reprimanded lead counsel Larry Holmes for wearing a v-neck undershirt to court.

After Wayne explained to Judge Bain that Larry is not familiar with the court's normal protocal, Larry found himself a suit and the trial was underway.

The prosecution's opening arguments claimed that Bon murdered Mr. Knotts based on previous problems in their relationship as evidenced by Don Knotts' frantic 911 call to police, and the fact that the night before Don fell ill and was hospitalized, Bon had found Knotts eating at a Boston Market after Knotts had promised Bon to appear at a "Kenny & Bon's Roasters" grand opening. It was after Knotts' hospitalization that Knotts was found dead shortly after Bon had paid a visit.

Below is a brief summary from the court reports of the trial:

Judge Conrad Bain: Does the prosecution have a witness?
Ben Matlock: We do, your Honor. The prosecution would like to call Tim Conway to the stand.
(audible murmur rises from the gallery)
Matlock: Would you kindly state your name for the record?
Tim Conway: Tim Conway.
Matlock: What is your relationship to the deceased?
Conway: Don and I were friends. We starred together in several films, including The Apple Dumpling Gang, and The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again.
Matlock: And did you see the defendant in Mr. Knotts' hospital room?
Conway: I did.
Matlock: And what did you see?
Conway: I saw the defendant over Mr. Knotts' bed. I hesitated entering the room to see what he was doing. I accidentally bumped into a cart and made noise, and that's when the defendant quickly left the room. When I went in to see what was going on, Don was dead.

After several hours of questioning along these lines, Larry Holmes began his cross:

Larry Holmes: You're nothing but a racist, arent' you?
Conway: What?
Larry Holmes: A racist!
Conway: I am no such thing!
Holmes: You hate black people! You hate them so much that you would do anything to see one of us behind bars, wouldn't you Mr. Conway!

Conway: No! Of course not!
Holmes: You are a racist, Tim Conway, and THAT'S why you are here to testify against my client! Isn't THAT true?!
Conway: No! I mean...he's not even black! He's white!
Holmes: I rest my case!
Wayne: Your Honor, we do not rest our case. Thank you.

Judge Bain: Would like to re-direct, Mr. Matlock?

Matlock: Thank you, Judge Bain. Mr. Conway, what did you find in the hospital room after you discovered Mr. Knotts' was dead?
Conway: A glove.
Matlock: Was there anything suspicious about this glove?
Conway: Yes. I noticed comet dust on the glove.
Matlock: Nothing further, your Honor.

...to be continued.

Posted by Phil at 9:10 PM | Comments (4)

March 22, 2006

Hear ye, hear ye. This court is now in session.

Court proceedings began today as Bon was brought to trial for the murder of Don Knotts.

Judge Conrad Bain will preside over the proceedings.

Bon's legal team will be headed up by former heavyweight champion of the world Larry Holmes. Now, I know what you're thinking. "But Playaz, why Larry Holmes and not Wayne? Isn't Wayne a lawyer?" The answer is, yes, Wayne is a lawyer and of course he is a part of Bon's all-star legal defense team. Wayne is there to guide Larry as to the proper protocol of the court and judicial system.

For example, prior to the beginning of the proceedings, Larry wanted to file a motion for dismissal, customary before most criminal or civil proceedings. However, instead of documenting his motion along with presenting his argument to the judge backing the motion, Larry spent nearly 30 minutes shadow-boxing with the bailiff, and taunting the judge with trash-talk if he did not abide. Wayne explained to Larry what was considered proper court etiquette, and the motion was heard and denied.

But fear not, dear readers. Despite Larry's unfamiliarity with the court room, we are certain his fancy footwork and quick hands along with his quick wit will be able to prove to the jury Bon is innocent.

However, we realize we have our hands full. We learned today the prosecuting attorney is Ben Matlock.

I will update you as best I can as the Trial of the Century develops.

Posted by Phil at 9:00 AM | Comments (27)

March 20, 2006

The Trial of the Century

Posted by Phil at 9:10 AM | Comments (31)

March 17, 2006

"Please think of the real Bon...."

Through the miracle of modern technology, I am blogging to you from Sidekick in my Ford Bronco. I understand that images are beginning to be broadcast on television stations across the country, so I have asked Tac to post them for you here, as I intend to keep our loyal followers informed of what is going on.

"As of this morning, Bon is considered a fugitive of justice."

Download Phil's call to the California Highway Patrol

"As Bon's attorney, I am asking Bon to turn himself in. However, I can absolutely assure the police that Bon does not have a fake beard and is definitely not heading to the airport. Thank you."

To Whom It May Concern:

First, everyone understand. I have nothing to do with Don Knotts' murder. I loved Don; always have and always will. If we had a problem, it's because I loved Don so much.

Recently, Don and I came to the understanding that for now we were best to spend some time apart, at least for now. Despite our admiration for each other, we were different and that's why we mutually agreed to go our separate ways.

Inside, I had no doubt that in the future we would be close friends. Unlike what has been written in the press, Don and I had a great relationship for most of our lives. Like all long-term relationships, we had a few downs and ups. He was great in "Andy Griffith". Then he took the role of "Mr. Furley" in Three's Company. Probably his 'low-point', if you will. But I digress.

I took the heat after the 911 call came out because that's what I was supposed to do. I did not plead no contest for any other reason but to protect our privacy and was advised it would end the press hype.

At times, I have felt like a battered Playa, but I loved Don; make that clear to everyone. And I would take whatever it took to get him to make the movie "Chicken Little 2", even reversing time to bring him back to life when I originally thought he was dead (the first time).

Don't feel sorry for me. I've had a great life, great friends. Please think of the real Bon and not this lost person.

:)

Posted by Phil at 10:17 AM | Comments (112)

March 16, 2006

LAPD issue warrant for Bon's arrest in the death of Don Knotts

The Los Angeles Police announced that Bon has been charged with one count of murder in the death of Don Knotts.

Police Chief William Bratton issued the following statement at a press conference this morning:

"We have contacted the suspect's attorney, Wayne, to let him know that we will be charging Bon with one count of murder in the first degree regarding the death of beloved comedian Don Knotts.

After investigation, interviews of witnesses and the suspect himself, we have concluded there is enough evidence to make this charge. As we all know, Don Knotts was recently hospitalized for medical reasons, and we believe it was there that Bon murdered Mr. Knotts. We found traces of comet dust in Bon's vehicle that matched comet dust found on Mr. Knotts, as well as a comet dust-covered glove we recovered in Mr. Knotts' hospital room.

Days prior to Mr. Knotts hospitalization and death, Mr. Knotts was scheduled to appear at a grand opening of a Los Angeles area "Kenny & Bon's Roasters". Witnesses have stated that Mr. Knotts did not appear, and that Bon became visibly agitated and confrontational. Mr. Knotts, it turns out, was dining at a nearby "Boston Market". Witnesses stated that Bon entered the Boston Market and engaged in a heated argument with Mr. Knotts. We also have evidence of previous domestic issues between Bon and Mr. Knotts via a 911 phone call Mr. Knotts made prior to these events.

Wayne has requested that his client be allowed to turn himself in, which we have agreed, no later than 9 a.m. tomorrow.

Wayne has also issued a motion for a speedy trial, to begin next week. Possibly Monday or Tuesday, and ending later in the week.

We have no further statements at this time."

Wayne issued a statement saying that Larry Holmes will head up the legal team to defend Bon. Wayne also stated that Bon maintains he is innocent of these charges.

"Bon loved Don Knotts. He saved his life. What more evidence do you need than that?" Wayne was quoted as saying.

"Perhaps Bon loved Don too much," Chief Bratton replied when asked about the statement.

Posted by Phil at 10:07 AM | Comments (27)

March 15, 2006

Old 911 call discovered in Don Knotts investigation

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution uncovered an old 911 call made a while back from a frantic Don Knotts. Below is the transcript of that call.

Don Knotts: Can you send someone to my house?
Dispatcher: What's the problem there?
Don Knotts: Bon has just broken into my house and he's ranting and raving outside the front yard.
Dispatcher: Has he been drinking or anything?
Don Knotts: No. But he's crazy.
Dispatcher: And you said he hasn't been drinking?
Don Knotts: No. He's high on comet dust, though.
Dispatcher: Did he hit you?
Don Knotts: No.
Dispatcher: Do you have a restraining order against him?
Don Knotts: No.
Dispatcher: What's your name?
Don Knotts: Don Knotts.
Dispatcher: What's your address?
Don Knotts: (redacted), Los Angeles.
Dispatcher: Okay, we'll send the police out.
Don Knotts: Thank you.

(a short time later, Don calls back)

Don Knotts: Could you get somebody over here now, to...He's back. Please?
Dispatcher: What does he look like?
Don Knotts: He's Bon. I think you know his record. Could you just send somebody over here?
Dispatcher: What is he doing there?
Don Knotts: He just drove up again. Could you just send somebody over?
Dispatcher: Wait a minute. What kind of car is he in?
Don Knotts: He's in a white Bronco, but first of all he broke the back door down to get in.
Dispatcher: Wait a minute. What's your name?
Don Knotts: Don Knotts.
Dispatcher: OK, is he the 'Playa' or whatever?
Don Knotts: Yeah. Thank you.
Dispatcher: Wait a minute, we're sending police. What is he doing? Is he threatening you?
Don Knotts: He's (expletive) going nuts.
Dispatcher: OK. What is he saying?
Don Knotts: Oh, something about some guy I know and hookers, and Jim Nabors and I started this (expletive) before and....
Dispatcher: Um-hum.
Don Knotts: And it's all my fault and "Now what am I going to do, get the police in this" and the whole thing. (sigh) brother.

(Bon is yelling)

Dispatcher: Is he inside right now?
Don Knotts: Yeah.
Dispatcher: OK, just a moment.
Bon: Do you understand me? (inaudible) Jim Nabors is a nothing! A skunk! (inaudible)

Dispatcher: Is he talking to you?
Don Knotts: Yeah.
Dispatcer: Do you think he is going to hit you?
Don Knotts: I don't know.
Dispatcher: What is he saying?
Don Knotts: What else?
Bon: ...I don't give a (expletive) anymore...That wife of his, she took so much for this (expletive)(inaudible)
Don Knotts: Would you please, Bon, Bon, Bon, could you please (inaudible) Please leave.
Bon: I'm leaving with my two (expletive) fists is when I'm leaving. You ain't go to worry about me anymore.
Dispatcher: Is he leaving?
Don Knotts: No.
Bon: You're not leaving when I'm gone. Hey! I have to read this (expletive) all week in the National Enquirer. Her words exactly. What, who got that, who?! (inaudible)
Dispatcher: Are you the only one there with him?
Don Knotts: Yeah, and he's also talking to my, this guy who lives out back and is just standing there.
Dispatcher: Oh, OK. The police should be on the way.

Posted by Phil at 9:50 AM | Comments (21)