Travis and The Guv'na had become friends after a previous mauling, whereby Travis, with the strength of 10 humans, tore off the face of a woman who was thought to have made eye contact with the ape. The Guv'na took in the chimpanzee and befriended him despite warnings from his friends and wildlife authorities.

The Guv'na enjoyed riding high-wheeled bicycles and wearing lavish fur coats. The Guv'na has faced multiple near-death experiences in his lifetime. He was one poisoned by several midgets that administered sweets to the Guv'na that were laced with PCP. He was also run over by Phil when the Guv'na decided to nap beneath the tires of a Ford F-150 truck to stay out of the sun.

The Guv'na came back to life in both of those instances, but he was unable to overcome death at the hands of Travis the Chimpanzee, after having all of his limbs torn from his body, his face ripped off, and was bludgeoned beyond recognition. It was initially believed that the Guv'na was a deceased chimp himself amidst all the blood and fur, until forensics identified him as human.

The coroner was able to identify the Guv'na from the candy cane tattooed on his penis.

Williams was known to have slept with as many women as he had lawsuits. He has been bedridden for over two months after reportedly contracting herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphillis, hepatitises A, B, and C, human papilloma virus, before ultimately being devoured by pubic lice.

Wayne stated prior to death that he would like to leave his lasik-corrected eyes, which now have 20/10 vision, to Moses Malone. Malone had been known to wear goggles during his basketball playing days. It was not clear if they were corrective goggles, or merely for protection.

Wayne's guestbook

Tackleberry, affectionately known as "Tac" to his close friends, leaves behind a wife, multiple mistresses, and an untold number of children, both legitimate and illegitimate.

Tackleberry was most well known as being one of five Playaz. His dealings with the Playaz led to a discovery of 'Comet Dust' - space particles off the tail of a comet - that could be used as a hallucinogenic narcotic. Tackleberry also loved to square dance.

Tackleberry took dance lessons at the Fred Astaire Dance Studios before being asked to leave the school for impregnating each of his dance parnters.

Tackelberry's age was undetermined at the time of death, leaving no dental or medical records behind. Tackleberry was the past president of the Buford-area Jaycees and was also a memeber of the local Masonic Lodge.

Tackleberry enjoyed spending his days polishing his Rolls Royce, and fighting mixed martial arts.

*Condolences may be expressed by signing the guest book (click on the "guestbook" icon below). In lieu of flowers, the Playaz ask that you send them money.

"My name is Clarence, and I'm your Guardian Angel. I came down here to save you, Phil."

"Save me?? Save me from what?"

"You've been given a great gift, Phil. You've truly had a wonderful blog. And now I'm going to help you see what a gift you've been given by showing you what the internet would be like if you'd never been born."

"Never been born?! Who said I wished I had never been born?! I just get tired of updating this stupid, penny-ante blog every once in a while, so what? Let me explain something to you, Mr. "Clarence", if that's who you really are, I am an important man. A rich man. Richer than you'll ever be able to comprehend. I can have any woman I want. I can do whatever I want...."

"But, Phil, once I've been given my orders, I can't...."

"Have you ever felt the wrath of the Playaz, Clarence? I know you haven't because there isn't a man or beast that has been left alive to be able to tell about it! If you don't go back to where you came from...."

"I'm sorry, Phil, the decision has been made to teach you a lesson."

"Then I've made a decision of my own, Clarence. I've decided that you will wish you had never been born!"

"AAAHHHH!! Oh God!"

"God won't help you, now, Clarence! You're going to burn...along with the rest of this town."

"No! Stop! How is this possible? I'm already dead...I don't understand how can this be happ- "

"Eat lead, Clarence! Now to take care of unfinished business!"

"Happy New Year to you, Hammer! In Hell!"

"So long, movie house! So long, Emporium! So long, you &%$ old Building & Loan!"

"SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!"

"Well, Joseph, that didn't turn out as well as we hoped. What do we do with Clarence, now?"

"Didn't turn out well? It turned out great! We've finally gotten rid of that bumbling idiot. Send him to Hell."

"Yes, Joseph. Oh -- Merry Christmas, Joseph."

"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you too."

"Oh, my mother's way up on the corner over there."

"Then I'll call the police!"

"They're way downtown. They'd be on my side, too. Look, we're both already undressed, so.."

"Then, then, then I'm going to scream!"

"You better believe it!..."

(screeeecch!)
"Phil! Phil!Come on home.
Quick."

"Your blog! It had a stroke!"

"What?!"

"The comments went down suddenly, and nobody's reading it anymore!"

"Mary! Mary, I'm sorry.
I've got to go."

"Come on, Phil. Let's hurry!"

- Did you get tech support?
- Yes. The Geek Squad is there now.

(later)

"I think that's all we'll need you for, Phil, I know you're anxious to make your plane."

"Yes, I have a limosine waiting downstairs."

"I want the Board to know that Phil delayed his trip to Hedonism to help straighten
things out here these past few months."

"Good luck to you at Hedonism, Phil."

- Thanks.
- Good luck! So long!

"Now we come to the real purpose of this meeting...to appoint a successor
to our dear friend, Phil Braun"

"Mr. Chairman, I'd like to get to my real purpose."

- Wait just a minute now. Hammer!? How did you get on this board??
- How I got here isn't important! Besides it's well known the Playaz will do anything to make a buck! I bought my way on this board."

"Therefore, I claim this blog is no longer necessary to this town. So, Mr. Chairman, I make a motion to dissolve this blog immediately and turn its assets and liabilities over
to the receiver."

"Hammer, you dirty, contemptible..."

"I'll wring his neck, so help me, Phil..."

"....it's too soon after Don Knott's death to talk about chloroforming Playaz Ball.com."

"Don Knotts died years ago."

I second Mr. Hammer's motion.

"Very well. In that case, I'll ask the
five Playaz to withdraw."

"But before you go, I'm sure the whole Board wishes to express its deep sorrow. It was their faith and devotion that are responsible for this organization."

"I'll go further than that. I'll say that to the public, Phil Braun was the Playaz Ball blog."

"Oh, that's fine, Hammer, coming from you, considering that your crazy posts probably drove this blog to its grave!"

"This blog was not "mainstream". That's what killed it. Oh, I don't mean any disrespect God rest its soul. This was a blog of high ideals, so-called."

But ideals without catering to the lowest common denominator can ruin a blog. Now, you take this feature here, Larry Holmes..you know, that fellow that sits around all day on his brains in Easton, PA, former boxer you know.

"I happen to know that nobody under the age of 30 has ever heard of him, but he comes here and we're building an entire story line around him as a featured guest star of this blog."

- Why?
- Well, I handled that, Mr. Hammer.

You have all the papers there. His salary, insurance. I can personally vouch for his character.

- A friend of yours, Phil?
- Yes.

"You see, if you shoot pool with some washed up celebrity here, you can come and be a part of the blog."

"What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class. And all because a few starry-eyed dreamers like Phil Braun stir them up and fill their heads with a lot of impossible ideas."

- Now, I say...
- Just a minute. Just a...

Just a minute. Now, hold on, Hammer. You're right when you say we are no savvy bloggers. I know that. Why we ever started this cheap penny-ante website, I'll never know. But neither you nor anybody else can say anything against our character, because our whole life was..Why, in the twenty-five years since me and Uncle Guv'na, and Bon, and Tac and Wayne started this thing, we never once thought of you readers. Isn't that right, Uncle Guv'na? We didn't write to cater to you shiftless mouthbreathers, we did it for us!

But we did help a few people get out of their ruts, Mr. Hammer. And what's wrong with that? Why...here, you are all bloggers here. Who doesn't have a blog, these days?

Just remember this, Mr. Hammer, that this rabble you're talking about...they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, it is too much to have them work and pay and live and die with a half-way unique blog to read? Anyway, we didn't think so. People are the life-blood of the Playaz, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they're cattle. Well, in my book, we'll die much richer men than you'll ever be."

"I'm not interested in your book Phil. I'm talking about Playaz Ball.com."

"I know very well what you're talking about. You're talking about something you can't get your fingers on, and it's galling you. That's what you're talking about, I know. Well, I, I, I've said too much. I... You're, you're the Board here. You do what you want with this thing. There's j-just one thing more though. This town needs this blog if only to have some place where people can come without crawling to the likes of Throwing Hammers!"

"Sentimental hogwash! I want my motion."

"Oh boy, that was telling him, Phil, old boy. You shut his big mouth. You should have heard him."

"What happened? We heard a lot of yelling."

Well, our blog is being shut down after five years."

"Easy come, easy go."

Here it is.
"Help wanted - Playa."

(limo driver): "You still want me hang around, Phil?"

"Yeah, I'll be right down."

"Hey, you'll miss your plane. You're a week late for Hedonism already. Go on."

- What's going on in there?
- Oh, never mind. Don't worry about that.

Phil!
Phil!
They voted Hammer down. They want to keep it going!"

- Whoopee!
- You did it, Phil, you did it.

"But they got one condition, only one condition."

- What's that?
- That's the best part of it. They've appointed Phil here to continue as Executive Secretary of the blog!

Oh, no! But, Guv'na...

"You can keep him on, Phil. That's all right. As Secretary you can hire anyone you like."

"Now let's get this thing straight. I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to Hedonism! I'm going to get naked and have sex with every woman I can get my hands on! This is my last chance. Uncle Guv'na here, he's your man."

"But, Phil, they'll give it to Hammer otherwise."

I know, I know, he didn't go.

That's right, Clarence. Not only that, but he gave his trip to Wayne, and sent him to Hedonism. Wayne set some kind of world record there.

Yeah, but what happened to Phil?

Phil got older, waiting for one of the other Playaz to take over the blog for him.

Looks like we'll have to send someone down.

A lot of people asking for help for a man named Phil Braun.

Phil Braun..... Yes. Tonight's his crucial night. You're right.

We'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it?

That's why I came to see you, sir. It's that clock-maker's turn again.

Oh, Clarence. Hasn't got his wings yet, has he?

Ever since George Bailey committed that murder/suicide, we've passed him up right along. Because, you know, sir, he's got the I.Q. of a rabbit.

Yes, but he's got a raving drug habit along with a slight sexual addiction. He'll fit right in with Phil.

Joseph, send for Clarence.

You sent for me, sir?

Yes, Clarence. A man down on earth needs our help.

Splendid! Is he sick?

No.

Did he run out of cocaine?

No. Worse. He's discouraged.

At exactly ten forty-five P.M., earth-time, that man will be thinking seriously of throwing away God's greatest gift.

Oh, dear, dear! His blog! Then I have only an hour to dress. What are they wearing now?

You will spend that hour getting acquainted with Philemon P. Braun.

Sir...If I should accomplish this mission...I mean, uh, might I perhaps win my wings? I've been waiting for over two hundred years now, sir...and well, that whole George Bailey thing was kind of embarrassing.

Clarence, you do a good job with Phil and you'll get your wings.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Poor Phil. Sit down.

Sit down?! What are we...

If you're going to help a man, you want
to know something about him, don't you?

- Well, naturally, of course, I...
- Well, keep your eyes open.

- See the town?
- Where? I...I don't see a thing.

Oh, I forgot. You haven't got your wings yet.

Now look, I'll help you out. Concentrate.

Begin to see something?

Hey, who's that?

- That's your problem, Phil Braun.
- An old man?!

No, idiot the other guy with the mustache. The old man he used to work for as a drug mule when he was young.

Something happens here you'll have to remember later on.

"Hold it! Hold it!......I wish old man Gower would owe me a million dollars.....Hot dog!!"

"That's not how it works, Phil!"

"You owe me!"

"(Sigh) whatever...you sure made plenty for me back in the old days, running everything from vicodin to cocaine out of this little pharmacy of mine and selling on the black market."

"I sure miss those days sometimes, Mr. Gower. Remember that kid? The one with the diptheria we accidentally gave heroin to?"

"Boy, do I....too bad he died."

"Yes, but he died happy."

"You okay, Phil? Something on your mind? You only come by here when you're down."

"Ahhh...just thinking. Getting on in years and I'm getting tired. The blogosphere isn't what it used to be."

"Yeah I know. But you still enjoy it, don't you? I mean, what would the world do without your blog?"

"I do enjoy it, Mr. Gower. And I know, people couldn't live without us. But sometimes I feel like our blog is taking up space on the internet that could be better used for more porn. Anyway, I'm thinking I may leave it to one of the other Playaz."

"I understand. Well, Phil, it was good seeing you. I hope I see you again, soon, even if it's in some fourth dimension-alternate universe type deal."

"So long, Mr. Gower."

I sent Larry an email notifying him that I took issue with the way he ate his potato chips. However, being a man who does not typically engage in conversation with local celebrities, I merely observed him instead of pointing out this flaw in person.

I was disappointed, however, that my email only created mockery and shenanigans from the crew, and my larger message of appropriate potato chip consumption did not seem to get through to Larry.

Listen to my email being discussed during the E-Mail Bucket segment on Rock 100's The Regular Guys Show. (my missive is about one-third of the way into the clip).

Phil emails the Regular Guys

Guv'na dreamed he witnessed a mid-air plane collision.

It was extremely shocking and he immediately called Bon to tell him what he saw.

Upon hearing of the collision, Bon replied, "That's nothing. Jack Lambert is coming out of retirement."

The Playaz have had many memorable Thanksgivings over the years, and one common theme is we are thankful that we are not you.

I spied it from across the room. This envelope perched next to stacks of other forgettable mail....catalogs, bills, collection notices, etc....poised in such a way as to make me notice it. I had hoped it was my copy of the french classic, "Secretaries sans culottes", but no, this was something else. I recognized the return address. Yes, I had been to this place before.

But how did he get my address? Oh, yes. He's been in our mainframe computer. Damn him!

So what in the blue-blazes is it? Since it could certainly be nothing good (cash, narcotics, pornography) I was extremely fearful.

But on the other hand, I am not a very disciplined person, and was determined to find out what was inside.

My special gloves that I typically wear when producing crystal methamphetamine should do the trick.

Anthrax? Nah, too "2001" . He probably had the swine flu and coughed into the envelope before sealing and mailing his sickness straight to my door.

I figured I would run the mystery package through it's paces, subjecting it to lysol disinfectant, tossing it into ceiling fans then ducking, throwing it against a tree, allowing the neighbor dog to sniff it and see if it either dies or tucks its tail between its legs, and even microwaving it.

Ultimately, I decided only one thing to do. Open it.

"Hello! First off, please read the final Throwing Hammers blog post....."

The final Throwing Hammers blog post.....

It's over! The Playaz are victorious! We have outlasted the man. And look, he even signed his name! Probably not his real name...I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to know it was really me who was subjected to the humiliating defeat at the hands of Playaz Ball.

But, I am not without an honorable side. I am, after all, a "gentleman of leisure", and that includes the word "gentleman".

This blog was, for all its faults, not without merit. Often thoughtful (I could rarely understand most of it), often humorous, and very, very lyrical. Like a song, that went on...and on...and on.

I can't help feeling that this is not the last of us. That we will meet again someday.

However, my immediate danger has passed. And there appear to be some CDs enclosed....hmmm....perhaps this is my copy of "Secretaries without culottes", just very discreetly packaged. Either way, be sure and visit Throwing Hammers, if anything to gloat that it is no more. And these words enclosed will find their proper place.

Though I will not forget them. No, I feel I will not forget them.

Tac was able to subdue the ravenous Rogers shortly after taking aim with his .38 and nearly putting a silver bullet in Kenny's abdomen. Fortunately, Tac suddenly recognized the hirsute country crooner before firing the shot and verified his identity.

Rogers explained that his voracious sexual appetite peaks right around Halloween and the month of October. At that time, Kenny takes on a transformation and feels compelled to take to the nearby woods, scavenging the countryside for wayward women before he pounces from the brush and makes savage love to them. All of his victims stated afterward that their act with Kenny was consensual, and 'wonderful'.

It was after his "capture" that Kenny suddenly transformed from full beard back to a simple goatee.

Kenny stated he will spend the remainder of the year performing a Christmas show in Branson, Missouri.

Beware!!!

The Playaz have not been able to obtain a very clear description of this creature, and despite extensive searches, have come up empty as to the identity of the man-beast.

However, a recently savaged woman described the wolf-man as terrifying, yet slightly handsome. The night stalker is said to be wearing a blazer, or sport-coat, with the sleeves pushed up, revealing extremely hairy appendages. What areas of the creature that are not covered in hair are described as "tanned". The wolf-man also wears tight fitting trousers.

The search continues. The wolf-man is said to be attracted to women wearing sequined attire and heavy make-up, and if the woman has a particularly lovely singing voice, she is said to be more susceptible to attack.

An unknown beast, hirsute in nature, has not been clearly seen by any of its victims. Multiple women have been found savaged by the creature, their clothes torn away and often left in a state of breathless bewilderment, fright, and oddly, titillation.

The Playaz have issued a city-wide man hunt for this "wolf-man" in an effort to capture the creature. While no one knows its present whereabouts, it can often be heard growling out a strangely melodic sound that emanates from the darkened wood.